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Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.	By : Semichan Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1403 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Title : Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.
Author : Semichan
Pairing (s) : Toshiya x Shinya

A/N : Second chapter. This one's concentrating on Shin and Totch 's relationship mostly. Also, Kyo-kun's introduced ! ^^

Chapter~2

- You don't wanna get up ?
Shinya asks me another time, arms folded on his chest, looking rather upset. I sigh deeply, closing my eyes and clutching the blanket tighter around me. I said earlier I didn't wanna get out of bed but apparently, he doesn't understand my tongue.
- I'm tired Shinya.
- And I'm fucking exhausted.
I open my eyes and look up at him. He almost never swears usually.
- What's wrong ? I raise an eyebrow.
- I've been out every night that week and I couldn't sleep for more than 72 hours in a row ! He starts off and uncrosses his arms.
- Can you explain why I'm the one who's awake ? Who's been making breakfast and still is up despite the fact I've been all alone the whole morning cause you just can't get your lazy ass out of this stupid bed ?!
Damn, this is unexpected. I frown and come in a sitting position in my so called stupid bed, sighing once more before speaking.
- Listen Shin, I …
- I don't care, Toshiya. He cuts me off and I scowl again. What the hell is happening ? Since when I've got a wife at home?
- I know you've been earning quite much money since you've been staying home all week but…
- I can give you some.
- I don't need your pity. He shakes his head, and I frown even more than before. Really, I'm starting to wonder what the fuck is going on in my supposed to be boyfriend's head. The fact he'd been staying at mine an entire week already is kind of a big deal and now what ? He's telling me off !
- You're acting weird today, really. I shake my head also. He stays completely silent and I hesitate a second, but follow my speech nonetheless.
- If I offer you some cash it's not because I'm pitying you. I've never been pitying you and I won't, never. I finally get out of my bed a bit awkwardly, stretching slightly.
- Seems like we don't have the same sense of pity then.
He looks down and put his hands on his hips uneasily, biting his lower lip after a second or two. I sigh another time and walk to him, taking him in my arms a bit gawkily, somehow forcing him to come closer to me in the process. He lets out a feeble sigh also and quickly comes to encircle my waist with both of his arms.
- I'm leaving tomorrow.
I arch a brow and back off a little to look at him. I first thought of responding "already?" But that would be kinda inappropriate considering he's been staying here more than 7 days.
- Ah. I just mumble, taking him in my arms again and putting my head on his right shoulder.
- Thanks for the whole week. He says patting my back a few times.
I can't help but scowl. Really, not only a minute ago he was aggressing me cause I hadn't been doing much of anything with him; save for having sex; and now he's thanking me. I realize I'm really not seeing him much. Cause we never are seeing each other more than a day, or even more rarely 2, an -entire- week… That's long for the type of relationship and feelings we have towards one another.
He suddenly loosens his grip on me and I raise my head up from his shoulder to look at him. He immediately kisses me on the lips, rather furtively, as if he's fearing I could reject him. I won't of course, never, but he certainly doesn't see me the way I really am. And I'm pretty sure he thinks exactly the same about me.
I hold him a bit tighter and crush my lips on his, engaging him in a longer and deeper kiss. He doesn't wait long to respond and almost instantaneously settles his hands on each sides of my face.

~

- What the hell do you think you're doing Totchi ?! You haven't been coming to the college at all this week ! What's going on ?
- I've been sick. I answer with annoyance, wanting to throw my phone at the other end of the room now. I said earlier I didn't have any friend save for Shinya… I actually forgot to mention the only person that's the least bit taking interest in my life : Kyo-kun. If friendship does exists, then I suppose he would be my best friend. Cause yeah, Shinya isn't exactly a friend considering I got him laid thousands of times already.
- 'Sick' ? Again ? My friend says, sounding suspicious.
- Yes. I answer and nod to myself .
- For an entire week ? I'm not completely dumb you know.
- Oh really ?
- You're not funny !
- I'm just joking Kyo…
- That was mean this time.
I know he's pouting now, but I don't wanna spend hours and hours talking with him on the phone like that, moreover when it's in the middle of the night that he's calling me. Really, 2 in the morning ! He couldn't have been calling during the week if he really was worried ? That's not even logical !
I sigh and speak once more, exasperation clear in my voice.
- That's all ? Nothing more to say? I can sleep now ?
- I'm just trying to take some news Toshiya… He sighs too.
- Then take them in the morning or during the day so that I would at least be awake…
- I couldn't call you today and I didn't want to wait tomorrow ! A whole week without any news that's pretty surprising from you so yes, sorry for caring !
I stay thinking for a short while, reconsidering his words.
- Anyway, I've been having some hard times that week but don't worry I'll be back soon, ok?
I absolutely haven't been having any problems that week but well, he doesn't need to know it. Kyo doesn't even know I'm playing prostitute when I need a bit of money so pretty difficult to explain him in details how my last past days have been like.
- I would like to see you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow ? I widen my eyes. Since when Kyo's caring that much ?
- Why not ?
- I don't know Kyo… I bring my free hand to my forehead and close my eyes as I try visualizing how the upcoming day is supposed to be made of. Well, Shinya's leaving tomorrow… But when ? I didn't even ask him. In fact, as we've been making love almost the whole afternoon and that he went out around 8 to spend the night in the streets …I really didn't think of asking him the little time we've been together today.
- I can come to yours if you can't go out.
- No ! I respond a bit hurriedly, widening my eyes once more. He absolutely can't come over. That's out of discussion. There's a little silence at the other end of the phone, and I know he's wondering why I've just been that categorical.
- Um… What about you come to the campus a bit then ? Kyo asks sounding unsure.
- No problem, but I don't know when I'll have time to pay you a visit, I…
- You're doing something precise tomorrow ?
- Err…
As I'm thinking of an answer that wouldn't sound too secretive or weird, the door of my bedroom slowly opens and Shinya shyly peeks in, smiling uneasily when he sees me awake in the bed. I quickly smiles back and take word again, deciding to make a small compromise and offer my friend to follow this conversation tomorrow.
- Listen Kyo-kun, I… I'm tired now, can we continue talking in the morning ?
- Oh, um… Sure, I'll let you sleep then… He answers visibly puzzled.
- Thanks.
- Sorry for having been waking you up, ne…?
- Nevermind. I smile a bit. He then says me goodbye and hang up. I put my phone to the side randomly and look up at the frail man standing next to me now, slightly dishevelled and seemingly worn out.
- I'm completely drained. Shinya smiles tiredly, looking down at his feet.
- Come here. I offer him my arms and he nods, sitting on the bed and coming to hug me rather lovingly, sighing when he does so. I sigh too, more discreetly though, starting to stroke his back to sooth him. I know he's feeling awfully bad right now and that he probably just wanna burst out crying, but he would never do that. He rarely cries, at least not in front of me. He must be crying a lot when he's alone though. Cause he absolutely can't stand this way of life. Of course I don't like it either, I suppose nobody really does, but I accepted it, somehow. And he didn't. At all. Probably because he's younger, I don't know… Shinya started selling his body when he still was highschool , while I started it just in University. He told me that after quite a while. When I first asked him when he started doing this, he didn't answer me. I had to wait like almost a year for him to tell me he started it much more earlier than me. I started at 18, he started at 15. I was so shocked to hear that. Since then, I always wonder how he's feeling when he's having sex, no matter who with; me included. Being introduced to sexuality that way, it's kinda terrible. I know that personally, if I'd been having my first sexual intercourse that young with someone I didn't know, and most of all in the middle of a street at night, I would have been going crazy, and knowing me, I even would have thought of suicide. Really, this already is extremely hard to hold when you're heterosexual, but having sex with much more older men when you're fifteen, that's horrible.
He told me he absolutely had no clue what sexuality was at that time; his mother never told him how it really worked and the only thing he was sure of, was that he was attracted by men even if he didn't know how it all was like. Of course, he wasn't completely stupid and knew what a sexual act was basically, but wasn't as informed as other people of his age.
About the way his life turned out, really, I don't know how he went to do that kind of stuff. From what he told me, his mother wasn't really nice to him but I don't get how it could lead someone to prostitution.
After a minute or so, I stop caressing his back and force him to look at me. He silently obeys and try a timid smile.
- You ok ?
- It's alright. He nods and deposes a quick kiss on my lips.
I softly kiss him back and take him in my arms again. After a few seconds of silence of us both, I let out a feeble sigh and speak once more.
- Wanna take some rest ?
Shinya nods still in silence, eyes slightly half lidded. He really looks tired. I bring my right hand to his cheek and gently stroke it.
- Maybe I'll take a shower. He suddenly says and get up, straightening his skirt.
- Go ahead. I nod and let him walk out of the room. If it wasn't Shinya that was in front of me right now, I would have refused. Taking a shower that late; or that early actually; that's kinda noisy since all is silent and still, mostly for the neighbouring apartments actually, but I can't refuse that to someone who's been almost raped for god knows how many hours in a row.
I slowly lay back in my bed and put the blanket over my shoulders, holding it to me tightly. I sigh.
I can't bear the single idea of going out at night to do what Shinya just did again. Really, I'm accustomed to it; and that's sad; but that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it.
Thanks god I'm not a shopping addict, I would have spent what Kaoru gave me in record time. If Shinya had been earning such an amount of money he would already be ruined by that day though. That's maybe why he's working more than me; he just can't help buying everything he wants to have.
We don't go shopping that often together, but each time I've been with him, I was totally stunned by his way of acting. There's 2 situations where he isn't shy : first is when it's sex related, second is when he's in a shop. He even is quite showy, to speak the truth. He seemingly doesn't realize it can be kinda embarrassing for a woman to have a 18 year old man in the same department as her asking his friend what kind of panties he should buy this time. Same thing for other clothes also, so. He's buying skirts, girlish shirts, shoes, and makeup without wondering even a single second about the reaction people would get seeing a boy taking that kind of things. Obviously, that's my point of view and honestly, I 'm not even sure Shinya's seen as a boy when he goes out. He looks frighteningly feminine whatever clothes he chooses to wear, and I actually must be the only person to be awkward when we're out. Pretty funny when you consider I'm dressing up the same way and buying the same stuff but well. I'm far more discreet than him and barely say a word, this way I'm sure not to be recognized. Cause I can't even say how many times Shinya had been glaring at once he'd been opening his mouth to speak. Numerous persons won't even pay attention to him the least bit when he would be looking at women's clothes, but each time he turns to me to ask what I think of this or that article of clothing, people widen their eyes and literally ogle at him. He apparently doesn't realize it, and that's probably better, or maybe he's just way too used to those reactions and doesn't mind.

Only 10 minutes later or so, I hear the door of the room open again and I turn to look at the person entering. He didn't bother drying his hair and just fastened a towel around his waist, completely wet. I raise a brow and speak.
- You're not going to sleep all drenched Shin ?
- I'm too lazy to even dry myself correctly. He smiles awkwardly and shyly come to sit on the side of my bed, trying not to wet the sheets and the blanket.
- You can't go to bed like that ! I answer and decide getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and take another towel.
I'm back a few seconds later with the wanted object, walking to Shinya and reaching to put the towel on his head to dry his hair even a tiny bit before he crawls into bed with me. I don't wanna sleep on a soaked pillow.
- I can do it alone. Shinya mutters and brings his hands to his head, trying to grasp the clothe.
- Just let me… I mumble and start drying his hair quite fast.
He winces slightly at my quite rough movements but doesn't add a thing and slowly repositions his hands on his thighs.
- I have to be home for midday.
He suddenly says after a quite long silence. I look at him a bit startled, but stay silent. Well, that answers the question I didn't have time to ask him.
- My mother wants to see me.
This time I can't help but let out a surprised "Huh?" , frowning. He nods at my reaction and lowers his head.
- What's going on ? I ask, keeping on drying his hair.
- I don’t really know. Family-related I suppose.
- You're gonna have fun ! I respond ironically.
- I know. He sighs and crosses his arms on his chest somehow annoyingly.
- Sorry for my stupid sense of humour.
- Very stupid indeed.
- Don't be harsh, it's almost 3, I'm tired…
- That's not a reason to be that sarcastic.
- I'm always sarcastic ! I chuckle and he shakes his head with a small smile.
- Anyway… He speaks again; I really don't look forward to this. The last thing I needed was to see my family…
- What's wrong with your family …? Save for your mom of course. I quickly add before he could answer.
- I don't know my family.
He looks up at me and I frown.
- Pardon ?
- I mean, I do know the members of my family but someway, I'm not close to anybody and I never talk with them, so…
- They're not trying to know you even the least bit ?
- Not really. Most of the stuff they tell me consists of various "you should cut your hair, you look like a girl" and or "I thought your mother told me she had a son !" you know…
- Oh… I grimace a bit at the words. This is not really pleasant to be surrounded by that kind of persons, undeniably.
- But I can't come up with something like "If I keep my hair long it's actually because I have to look like a girl!" ; cause they would go "Why ??" and then me " Cause I'm a prostitute of course !"
I laugh softly and shake my head. He smiles a bit sorrowfully now, looking at his knees without saying a word. Inside of him I'm sure he would like to tell such things to his family so that he could be relieved, somehow, but that would also be the end of any kind of contact he could have had with his so called family also. My life maybe is a real mess, but his certainly is even more chaotic than mine.
- Well, I think it'll be ok for tonight. I say as I remove the towel from his head and let it fall to the ground carelessly. I'll take care of that tomorrow.
- Thanks. He mumbles and bring his left hand to his hair to see if it's not too wet.
As I get under the blanket once more Shinya stands up and walk around the bed to come to lie next to me on the other side of it. He quickly unfastens the towel that is still around his waist and furtively try to dry his chest and neck slightly, then his legs, and the following second he's settling himself under the blanket, not coming too close to me though.
- You can come closer . I whisper.
- I don't wanna wet the whole bed …
- Then come and wet me ! I laugh a bit at the weirdness of the sentence.
He laughs too and eventually gets a little closer, rather awkwardly. I take him in my arms and try not to frown too much as I realize he's still pretty wet indeed, but put that to the side for the moment.
- Before midday, so, ne ?
He nods.
- You're going by train ?
- Yes. He nods again.
- Do you want me to…
- Don't bother.
I just nod at the response I got, looking elsewhere.
- Ne, Totchi… He suddenly brings a hand to my face and starts stroking my cheek.
I look back at him and let out a small "Hm?", waiting for him to follow.
- Would you mind… Making love one last time before I go ?
I blink a few times before shaking my head negatively, then hold him even tighter to me to kiss him. He kisses me back instantaneously and places the hand that was resting on my cheek to my neck. We stay rather still and silent for a minute or so, not really deepening our kiss, and then we slowly separate, looking at each other.
- How do you want to …
- I'm too tired to ride you. He cuts me off, shifting to lie on his back and bringing me with him.
I awkwardly get on top of him and kiss him once more, furtively. Of course he's tired. He just spent the major part of his night being fucked. I don't even grasp why he still wants to have sex after that. Personally, I can't; really; I'm way too tired or completely disgusted of sex when I come back home after such a night. That will be something we would never have in common. His bravery. And his way to separate things also. He differentiates what he lives as a prostitute with his real private life, and somehow I just cannot. Even though I perfectly know it's not a single thing, I connect the two, someway, and it kinda spoils my life. Cause I realize I'm always comparing, even if I do succeed on forgetting the inexistent emotional part of my 'job'. It's stupid, really, but I can't help myself.

~

Shinya left four days ago now. We're on the 15th of December. I'm still not going out at night to do what I should do, I somehow try taking a break as long as what Kaoru gave me would allow me to.

I came back to the University. Kyo was happy to see I did what I promised. For once. He won’t stop being glued to me since Monday. That's weird cause I'm not used to be accompanied like that all day. We sometimes see each other during our spare time and all but rarely.
I've the horrible feeling of my world changing from A to Z recently. I, for once, fucked with a normal person, who paid me extremely generously without complaining; Shinya's now talking as much as normal persons do and seem to be considering our relation like a real one; the only person I could think of as a friend starts wondering about me and wants to see me more…Really, what the fuck is that ?
- Something on your mind ? Kyo nudges my arm discreetly and I turn to him, probably looking a bit confused. He frowns.
- No. Why do you ask ? I whisper lowly as I don't want to bring attention on us. Of course I absolutely haven't been following the class but well. Better do like I'm doing so even a little.
- You look preoccupied.
- I just had a bad night. False. I slept like a baby. But I'm not gonna bring rather sordid topics in the middle of classes. Poor little Kyo. He wouldn't understand.
He slowly nods twice at my response, obviously not believing me.

It's midday, and for some unknown reason, the small blonde puff of hair that is my friend is still here, with me. If he wanna know what's really on my mind he can wait at least for the next 5 years again…
- Where are we going ? He asks and I raise a brow, looking at him.
- I don't know… That's you that's following me. I was planning on heading home.
- Head home ? He blinks.
- Yeah.
- What about classes ?
- I just have two little hours of classes this afternoon, I thought it was Ok to skip them for once… I sigh as I justify myself somehow, earning a light chuckle from him.
- "For once" ? You've been skipping school for an entire week Toshiya…
- And so what ? Don't I deserve a bit of rest sometimes ? Of course I do; but he doesn't know why I would do so though. He must think I'm so pretentious.
- We all do.
- Just do like me then !
- Can I come over ?
- What ? I stop dead in my tracks. No way he's coming to my apartment.
He stops walking also, looking a bit surprised by my, I know, actually rather surprising reaction. That's here I realize I can't really say no and that yes, I'm in a really desperate situation now. I look down for a second and sigh.
- Just don't mind the mess then, Ok ? I say and he nods with a smile.
Damn, I'm definitely dead.

- I didn't know you were living here… Just next to Shinjuku…You're wealthy ! He says with wide eyes and I can't help but scowl. I'm far from wealthy, really. I even wonder how I've been able to get this apartment anyway, no matter how small it is, there's a living, a kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. Pretty much yes. Someone of my age really can't pay for that kind of stuff. Live in Tokyo nowadays anyway, that's impossible, really. At least when you're a student without a real job, that's more than just hard.
I don't answer anything to his sentence and quickly make him visit the apartment, then we come to the kitchen and sit.
- I really didn't think I could find you in Shinjuku, really… He says smiling, seemingly impressed by it all.
I let out a somehow bitter chuckle. 'You can find me in Shinjuku with no problem Kyo. You just have to come at night…'
- What's funny ? He asks, looking a bit perturbed.
I look up.
- Nothing. It's just that, well…
- What ?
- Actually, I'm not wealthy at all, I don't want you to think that. I'm not some spoiled brat you know. I admit a bit uncomfortably. I really don't wanna talk of my private life with him but seems that after all these years I'll finally have to tell him a bit of it. I actually would never grasp why he didn't ask anything. Never asked to come over. Save for today. Ah and last week too I forgot. But these were the first times, really. Maybe he always knew there would be kind of a distance between us, I don't know.
- You have a part time job ?
- Kinda. I mumble, eyes down. Here we are, he's gonna ask me what I'm doing.
- What do you do ?
And then I fall silent. I'm a good liar when it comes to have the other person on the phone and the likes but when they would be in front of me… That's another thing.
He raises a brow at my rather long and unjustified silence, but don't ask. He just waits.
- That's … Err…How to say… 'Damn, why didn't I just made up something ?'
- What ? You don't wanna tell me ?
- No, that's not that, but… I stop in mid sentence and sigh, deeply. I already know all my efforts I put to hid my real life for the past few years are over by now but don't wanna spit everything out right now. I'm not forced to explain it all even if he knows I'm really hiding things.
- You're doing something… Illegal ? He tries, unsure, making random signs with his hands nervously.
'Weird, my own stress is dyeing on him.' I think as I eventually look up at him.
- Well…
- You're not into drugs, are you ? He then asks sounding anxious.
- No, no; I'm not ! I shake my head resolutely. 'Damn I don't wanna scare him to death just because of this !'
- This is… A bit difficult to explain, Kyo…
- What are you doing Totchi ?
- I … I lower my glance on my knees once more, feeling extremely weak all of a sudden.
- Tell me damnit; that can't be that terrible !
I smile sorrowfully at that. That's so strange; little Kyo, always thinking nothing really bad could happen around him… He's older than me, and probably more mature, depending on the subjects of course.
I shake my head a little feeling my eyes watering slightly, not even registering when I wipe the tears off my cheeks after.
- What's the matter ? Kyo says worriedly, standing up from his chair to come closer to me, putting his hands on my shoulders somehow hesitantly.
- Huh ? I look up at him and curse myself mentally when realizing I'm currently crying. I try wiping all my tears quickly and smile, but miserably fail as I feel my eyes becoming all watery the following seconds.
- What's wrong ?
- I'm alright. I wave one hand slightly and he sighs a bit angrily, kneeling next to me as I've been lowering my head once more.
- Right yeah, I'm crying every time I'm feeling great too. Kyo answers a bit sarcastically and I roll my eyes, taking a deep breath before speaking.
- Please, this is already hard basically so…
- But what ? You're gonna tell me or what ?
I pause a bit to think and finally, after some seconds close my eyes, finally deciding to tell everything. That's gonna be tough though.
- Well… Just to… To start off I'm… I'm gay.
He looks at me disbelievingly for a short while, not saying anything, then adverts his eyes uneasily.
- And um… Somehow… There's a reason why I chose to live there.
- What ? He asks in a whisper, looking confused.
- You know what they say about Shinjuku… I mumble not looking at him anymore, somewhat hoping Kyo could be innocent enough not to put 2 and 2 together and just not understand. But that's impossible of course.
There's a short moment of silence where he's thinking about what I just said and then he realizes, his eyes widening when he does so. He's gawking at me now, not seeming able to form words anymore. I look back in silence, feeling more tears finding their way past my eyes. How did I came to bring this topic up in the first place ? I'm really going crazy. Telling such things to a friend that barely knows you, that's not just stupid, that's inconsiderate.
- You're … Prostituting yourself ? Kyo suddenly gets out of his mute phase, looking utterly shocked.
God how I want to say him I'm not. It was just a joke, I'm kidding… Only I'm not. It hurts even more to see the face he's making than knowing I spit it all out. My pride didn't even get hurt. It's my heart that is aching. If only I realized it sooner. All those times something bad happened I thought it was my pride that was saving all up. But it actually was my heart. Shattered and wounded heart. How stupid I am, really. To think I could keep this inside forever.
The first occasion I have to say everything I just do without even caring if it would shock the person in front of me or if it's really worth telling them.
- Toshiya, answer me. Kyo speaks again, as he stands up.
I lock my eyes with his and after a while slowly nods feeling some other tears running down my already wet cheeks. He widens his eyes once more and bring both hands to his head, holding it firmly.
- What the … Damn, Toshiya !
- I'm sorry… I mutter and he looks at me in disbelief another time.
- "Sorry" ?! What for ? You're realizing what you're telling me ?! You're prostituting yourself Totchi ! I can't … I…! Fuck ! Kyo sighs in a mix of annoyance and worry, walking to the small window and taking support on the windowsill.
I remain looking at his back in silence, not knowing what to do.
- Since when ?
- Huh?
- Since when you're doing this ?
- About a year and a half.
He stays silent at that. Not even a single comment. That's even worst. Facing silence, that's horribly frustrating.
- You know, I… It's not deliberate, I…
- I know. He sighs and turns to face me again. He remains silent for a minute then speaks once more. Of course it's not deliberate…. He looks down. I understand why you can live in an apartment now.
- It's not what you think. I immediately answer. I'm not…I… I didn't pay this apartment with what I earned by doing … Well I didn't come here because of that. Actually I still can't pay for it, so…
He looks at me suspiciously now.
- In fact, um… Last week, I stayed home a bit cause I earned, err… Kind of a lot of cash and well…I wanted to stay in bed a bit and you know; sleep in my bed for a while since I wouldn't be able to do it for too long…
The more I'm explaining everything to Kyo the more he looks like he wants to run away and really, I'm at a total loss now. Should I carry on or just stop ?
- You want me to help you a bit ?
- What ? I frown. This surely is unexpected.
- Don't know, I can give you some money… He says looking down, walking to me a bit awkwardly.
- No, I'm fine really, don't worry. I shake my head no.
- I don't know what to tell you, Totchi… I'm kinda lost. He admits with a small nervous smile.
- I tell you, don't worry. I'm more than used to this now, ok ?
- I wasn't expecting such a thing to happen. Kyo shakes his head and discreetly wipes his eyes with the tip of his fingers, obviously not wanting to cry in front of me.
I smile a bit apologetically and stand up, hesitantly taking him in my arms. He luckily doesn't push me away and even hugs back, holding me tight.

~

Kyo stayed the whole day. Actually, I offered him to stay the night also. Somehow we didn't realize it was around 11 already when we stopped talking to eat a bit and well, he couldn't head to the campus alone at that time. I didn't really want him to go anyway.

We talked the entire day. About a lot of stuff. Various stuff. I told him about Shinya, Kaoru… He said he never ever saw him at the college, or maybe he just didn't know he was called Kaoru. Though I think someone Pink-headed might be pretty easy to recognize, so he just probably truly never saw him.

We went to bed around midnight. I wasn't really tired, but he was and well, I didn't know what I could possibly do save from offering him to sleep here considering the day he's been having.
Because of me, Kyo had a rather weird day, moreover a really tiring and disconcerting one. He absolutely had no clue what my life was like until this very day and so, yeah, such an amount of information all of a sudden, that's a bit too much.
- I get why you didn't want me to come over and such… last week… Kyo mumbles eyes closed and I jump a little. I thought he was sleeping.
- I'm upset…
- Huh ? I arch a brow.
- I'm a bit sorry it was all because of that.
- What ? I frown. He really shouldn't engage new conversations when he's just about to fall asleep, that's incomprehensible.
- I mean, well…I would have preferred you didn't want me to come over for another reason than because you were hiding your life. He says slowly opening his eyes, though not looking at me.
- I'm sorry. I respond, not finding anything more appropriate.
He waits a little and I know he's gonna speak once more; but he seems to be hesitating.
- Well, um… Can I ask something ?
- Go on.
- Private ?
I nod. We're now far from having a reason to act shy towards each other so, well, better he just asks whatever comes to his mind if he wanna. He probably won't never shock me with anything anyway.
- You're… You've been attracted by boys … Since a long time ?
Ah, I wasn't expecting that.
- Um… Well… I don't really know. I answer in all earnest. Probably since I'm a teenager… As far as I remember I've never been into girls. I shake my head slightly.
- Ok. He nods, head down.
I frown a bit. What is he trying to get out of that ?
- What's the matter ? I ask as he keeps his head lowered, looking rather uncomfortable.
- Actually, um…
- What ?
- It's just that…I…
- You're not ok with it ? I ask a bit unsure, arching an eyebrow.
- No, that's not it ! Kyo says now looking at me. I'm… I absolutely don't have any problem with that… He adds after a short pause, a bit flushed.
- What's the matter then ? I ask a second time.
My friend stays silent for a while, apparently pondering on what to say, and sigh a little before speaking once more.
- In fact, um… Maybe you'll find that weird but I've always been… He stops abruptly and I now am sure of what he's gonna tell me. Oh gosh. Kyo is gay.
- You're gay ?? I can't help but ask, eyes wide.
He somehow backs off and widens his eyes also, seemingly lost now. Maybe I've been a bit too blunt.
- In fact, uh… He looks down. Not really but…
- Not really ? I chuckle nervously.
- Well, to speak briefly I've never been with a boy but I'm not against the idea…
I'm speechless now. I can't take my eyes off of him. As I try to figure out what this all could mean and why he's telling me such a thing he shifts a little in the bed and gets closer, then take word again.
- I just… Wanted to tell, that's all. Don't see anything personal in it.
Ok, now I'm supposed not to see anything personal in it that's exactly the opposite I'm thinking of. If he just didn't say that I wouldn't have been doubting. Now the more I think of it all the more I realize my best friend's maybe trying to tell me he wanna do something with me. Please someone help me, this is all getting fucking scary.
- Ok. I just nod, not very sure of my response though. I'm quite not feeling ok right now but well.
A long silence takes place and he lowers his head once more, cheeks a bit red. I sigh mentally and suddenly feel a great urge to take him in my arms and tell him I'm sorry. Sorry for what ? I don't even know ! He's too cute, that's unfair.
- So you… You're too shy to try anything out, that's it ? I try following up the conversation to somehow cheer him up a bit. Better take it positively after all.
- Kinda. He mumbles.
- You never did anything ? Even just… Simple stuff ?
- No. He shakes his head no, eventually looking up at me.
- Why ?
He frowns.
- Well… I don't really know. Maybe I thought that… Um…How to say…
He pauses and seems to try finding the good words to explain himself.
- What ? I say softly, not wanting to cut him off or something.
- Actually I always thought it wasn't good you know …
- Huh ?
- I mean the fact I could be…Gay. Kyo says not without efforts, the words apparently being extremely difficult to pronounce for him.
If he's already having problem with the simple idea of himself possibly being homosexual this isn't gonna be a part of pleasure, really.
- So you… Can't accept it ?
- I don't know.
- What are you trying to tell me Kyo ? I ask somehow bluntly. We aren't going to beat about the bush for hours.
- I… He suddenly looks down and blushes a little. …I actually don't really know.
Damn, that's so unlike him to act this way.
- What ? You're telling me you're gay or not ?
- I'm not very sure.
- You know what to do to have your answer right ? I raise a brow, smiling a little.
- Eh ? He frowns.
- Just give it a try.
- Of course… He says realizing, sounding uneasy.
- And I can't help you with that. I shake my head a bit.
Kyo falls silent and stays looking at me for a rather long time, earning a slight scowl from me.
- What's wrong ?
- Um… I was wondering if you…Actually could have helped me…With that.
- Kyo… This is my time to lower my glance on the sheets, letting out a light but nervous chuckle at the same time. 'This is not happening, please… I can't deal with that right now !'
- It's just an idea… I'm not asking you to do something … My friend burbles awkwardly and I can't help but sigh, tensely though.
- I can't do that Kyo…
- Why ? He whispers shyly.
- We… You're my best friend Kyo, not a potential lover… I answer lowly and difficultly, feeling kinda self-conscious all of a sudden.
- I know, I know. He says firmly nodding his head and I look up, a bit confused.
- What?
- I don't wanna…I mean I'm not asking you to go out with me or something…
- Oh… I let out as I realize what he's actually really trying to tell me since some minutes now. Damn, he wants me to be his try out. This is… I'm a bit embarrassed, Kyo…
- I'm sorry. He mumbles and falls silent once more.
And here we are, now I'm feeling guilty. This is horrible, really; I just have to look at him to change my opinion.
- Come here. I offer him my arms and he raises his head to look at me, blinking.
I gesture my arms a little and he awkwardly gets closer, hesitantly putting an arm around my waist while seating himself against me. I settle my arms around him also and stays looking at his face for a while in silence before slowly reaching to depose a small kiss on his lips. He briefly presses his lips against mines before I pull away, looking down when our eyes meet again.
- Have an idea now ? Or wanna try some more to be sure ? I whisper somehow knowing what kind of response I would get as he didn't back off and even was ready to kiss back.
- A bit of both. He mutters with a bashful smile, alternating between looking at me in the eyes and staring into nothingness . He really is too shy.
I get closer to his face once more and mesh my lips with his softly, one of my hands coming to his cheek to stroke it. I feel his arm tightening a bit around me and he moans discreetly, kissing me back tenderly. After a minute or so I break our kiss, keeping on stroking his cheek slowly with my thumb not to cut everything off too abruptly.
He looks at me uncomfortably, all flushed and a bit trembling. He obviously is damn nervous and worried, but not only that.
- You're hard…? I whisper shifting a little and pressing our bodies closer to emphasise my words, somehow.
He blushes even more and lowers his glance, loosening his grip on me.
- Hey… I take him in my arms once more and tighten my grip, trying to have him looking at me, even for a short while. Don't be ashamed, ne…
- I'm so sorry. He mumbles shaking his head, still not looking at me.
- What for ? Be happy, now you have a real response to your question ! I try, smiling a bit. I'm not really sure he would be truly happy to be 'gay' but well. That's what I've been understanding basically, so…
He keeps his gaze locked into nothingness, not saying anything anymore. Ok, maybe I've been offending him a tad bit.
- I'm not angry Kyo…
- Ok. He nods uneasily.
I remain silent looking at him for a minute or so, pondering on what could be the best thing to do right now. Holding him to me like that probably is making him even more uncomfortable considering the state he currently is in but well. I just feel like hugging him right now.
As none of us seem to wanna add anything for the moment I suddenly decide to make a move and bring my left hand that was resting on his waist down his hip, then hesitantly continue to his thigh and start stroking lightly.
He looks up at me, confusion evident in his eyes. I look back a few seconds and reach to kiss him once more, not finding anything better to somehow distract us both from what I'm currently going to do. He kisses back almost immediately and starts stroking my back softly. My hand come from his thigh to his groin slowly and I massage his hard-on through his pants, earning a few shy moans from him. He fondles my lower lip with his tongue gently and I open my mouth to let him explore me, letting out a groan as I feel one of his hands coming to my crotch. 'This is so weird. We aren't supposed to act like that, we shouldn't be making out… We're friends damn it !' As hard as I am trying to follow my thoughts I keep on kissing and stroking him, all the while wondering how far I'm going to go. Well, seeing that I'm now hard too… 'Suppose I'm gonna be more than regretful tomorrow. 'Once again…' Damn, I'm such a weak person.
I suddenly decide slipping my hand in his pants and grab his erection quite firmly, making him whimper slightly. He stops caressing me and stands still, kissing me a bit more feverishly as I start rubbing my hand over his shaft quite fast.
Not long after I break our kiss, panting a little, but surely not as much as him. He's quite flushed again and can't stop letting out small, muffled moans, apparently feeling a bit awkward. I settle on averting my eyes and keep on stroking him at the same pace, wanting it over as soon as possible.
Kyo's hand that was staying still on my crotch since a while now moves to my hip and I can't help but look up at him. His eyes are now closed and he keeps his mouth shut, probably trying not to just moan out loud and let himself go completely. Well, this is quite understandable, after all.
I reach out to find his lips again, wanting to have some kind of contact. I perfectly know I won't be getting anything tonight so better try to find a way to enjoy myself even a little. He opens his eyes for a second when feeling my lips on his and he instantaneously starts moving his over mines. This time we kiss rather languidly, taking the occasion to really get pleasure from the feeling now that we actually kissed a few times already. The first and short part of true excitation is gone and we now can act a bit more deeply, if I might say. The problem is, that somehow, in the back of my mind, I still know that's with a friend I'm currently sharing all that. My best friend even. And that's not good; not at all…
- I'm gonna come …! Kyo abruptly breaks off our kiss, throwing his head back a little.
I stay looking at his face, wanting to see his expression when he comes. And a few seconds later he does with a small whimper, eyes shut firmly and lips slightly parted. This isn't enough to make me come but sadly, that just got me harder; if possible. 'And here comes another frustrating night…' I sigh mentally and remove my hand from his pants, shifting in the bed to lie on my back and grab a box of tissues on the bedside table. I quickly wipe my left hand and glance at my friend briefly. To my surprise he's looking at me, panting quite hard with a still visible blush on his face. I hand him the tissues and he nods, grabbing the box and awkwardly cleaning himself, not knowing what to do with the now dirty tissue. I take it from his hand and get out of bed to put it in the trashcan along with mine; then come back to the bed, lying down and putting the blanket up my shoulders. Kyo looks at me a bit weirdly and I raise a brow, taking word.
- What ? I whisper.
- Um…Aren't you…
- Hard ? I ask directly, knowing the detail probably struck him even a tiny bit when I got out of bed.
- Yes. He nods.
- Actually yeah but well, don't mind that.
- What ? He says a bit surprised and I can't help but smile.
- I'll calm down sooner or later. I chuckle and he frowns. I know he probably doesn't get why I'm not asking anything of him but well. This is my way of thinking, that's all. I don't -absolutely- need to receive when I give. I'm way too accustomed to give without receiving anyway…
- You don't want me to… You know… He mutters uneasily, making random signs with one hand while speaking.
- You don't have to, really. I shake my head with a smile. I don’t want him to feel forced just because I did that to him.
- …What if I want to ?
I widen my eyes a bit. Well… What now ? I lower my glance and think for a while, trying to find a proper response to that.
I suddenly feel the blanket being pulled away from me and I frown, looking on my right to see my friend shifting in the bed and almost getting on all four, getting closer to me and grabbing the hem of my pyjama pants, starting to pull them down.
- Wait, Kyo --
- Just let me… He cuts me off and pulls my pants down past my thighs.
This time that's me that is blushing slightly. Being exposed like that, moreover to a friend, that's a bit disturbing.
Kyo positions himself closer to me once more and grab the base of my length with his right hand, taking a lick at the tip at the same time. I moan quite loud and close my eyes, one hand fisting on the bed. 'Damn, this isn't supposed to be like that…Stop him before you wont able to think straight anymore !'
- Kyo, stop that … I mutter, opening my eyes with difficulty, closing them immediately once more when he starts taking me in his mouth without giving me any kind of answer.
- Kyo… I groan, instinctively bringing my right hand to his head, clutching his hair and somehow forcing him down.
Ok, my will isn't really strong… I must admit it. Moreover I haven't been given a blowjob in ages and I'm not really against the idea, even though that's Kyo that is gonna do it.
He doesn't complain at my hand in his hair and even do what I wordlessly asked him to do, taking as much of my length he can into his mouth. I slowly open my eyes again, just as he starts bobbing his head up and down leisurely, making a few soft noises.
- You don't have …To do that, Kyo… I somehow mumble; contradicting myself by letting out a quite loud moan again.
Of course he doesn't answer and just keeps on sucking, applying a bit more of pressure with his lips. I groan once more and clench my eyes shut, difficultly trying to find out what I really wanna do right now, without much success due to my lack of concentration. Should I just let go ? Or stop it all …? I damn know I'm not gonna stop him ever but somewhat, I can't help but wonder.
Kyo lets out some muffled moans also and speeds up his pace a little. That's weird; he seems pretty skilled for someone who "never tried anything", like he said. I knew a lot of persons who were supposed to be experienced and weren't even as half good as him at doing this.
Really, someone who never ever gave a blowjob to anyone before isn't that sure of himself and precise. Am I stupid or is he actually just a big liar ? Whatever; I let him do. We'll talk of that later on. I suppose.
Just when I'm about to open my eyes again he suddenly takes me all the way in, earning a loud moan from me; my back arching a little as he did also.
- Kyo ! I groan throwing my head back, grasping his hair tighter.
He hums softly In response, bringing his head up slowly and starting to move up and down once more. He really is too skilled. Not clumsy enough. Too confident. That's not normal !
I finally open my eyes to look at him and can't help but feel a slight blush forming on my cheeks at the sight. Damn, I just jerked him off and he's doing this to "thank" me. It's another thing, really… That's one step higher actually. One big step even, considering Kyo's my best friend and that he isn't even sure he's gay. Well, I suppose he kind of has an idea now or he wouldn't be in my bed sucking me like that. Really, that's the quickest change of sexual orientation I've ever seen in my whole life !
- Kyo-kun… I moan again, my eyes fluttering shut once more as I let out a somehow needy sigh.
I loosen my firm grip on his hair and bring my hand down the back of neck to stroke it tenderly, wanting to show him I'm loving every second of it all even if my groans might have been some kinds of frank clues.
He moans a bit as an answer and concentrates on his task; gradually earning more and more louder whines and whatnots from me as minutes pass by. I'm not long to reach my peak then and I let out a, weirdly enough, small discreet whimper, coming within my friend's mouth. To my surprise Kyo swallows it all and even licks me clean, seemingly not feeling the least bit self-conscious about it. Not even a single little hint of blush on his cheeks. How fucking weird is this ?!
I blink a little as I recover from my orgasm as fast as I can; cause I do am feeling awkward and nervous now. I immediately pull my pants back up when he shifts on the bed to lie down next to me, grabbing the blanket also to cover myself.
- How was it ? Kyo asks in a whisper, propping himself up on a elbow to look at me.
- Good. I nod, feeling my cheeks heating once again. ….Very good. I nod a second time and he giggles a little at my reserve.
- Well… It's fine then ? He asks with a small smile and I nod again.
- Sorry for my reaction but I… I'm a bit perturbed right now… I smile back.
- I'm sorry too. He looks down.
- What for ? I whisper.
- I don't know what has gotten into me, really…
- The God of blowjobs, probably.
He laughs.
- What ?
- This was like … I pause and try to think of the better; and most of all proper; thing to say. …So confident for a person… Like you. I finish, looking on my right with hesitation. This all feels overly odd.
- Like me ? He arches an eyebrow.
- I mean, uh… For someone that doesn't know what his sexual preferences are…
- Oh… He looks down in realization. So… So that was really good ?
- Kinda. I chuckle a bit uneasily.
A little silence takes place and he looks up after a while, visibly trying to voice his thoughts into words.
- Ne…
- Hm ?
- Can I … He stops his sentence and moves a bit in the bed to get closer to me; shyly placing an arm around my waist.
I wait a second and instinctively bring my right arm behind and around his neck. He smiles fondly and put his head on my chest, closing his eyes and sighing.
- Can I stay like that for the night ? He asks despite the way I welcomed him a second earlier and I nod, smiling too.
- No problem, Kyo…

TBC…

Semichan's comments : End of second chappy. *sigh* I didn't realize there were so many dialogs in this one until I re-read it O.o. So, Shinya gone, Kyo's gay… That's wonderful. XD Anyway, tell me what you think of this ! Thx for reading ! ^_~
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Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.