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Infatuation	By : Firithfalaswen Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Panic! At The Disco Views: 998 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Panic! At the Disco. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
The deal:
Ryan is normal font
Brendon is bold font
.-

Ch 2: If it's only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?

After the meet and greet, we all trudged onto the bus. I buried myself inside my bunk so I could be alone, but mostly it was to think about what had just happened at the venue.
Fuck, I’m an idiot.

The look on Firith’s face when we’d finished… I thought she hated me. I should have gotten the hint when she follows Bren’s command to join us so easily. Now she just looked confused. And I was hiding because I was just as confused as she was, maybe more. What Brendon and I had, it was good. There’s no one who gets me like him, and we’re the closest of friends, I guess it just came naturally to have him as my lover. But things were getting so complicated. Sighing, I fell back onto my pillows and covering my face.

I heard the girls talking, their voices muffled, and I knew they were together in Kris’ nearby bunk. I strained to hear what they were talking, knowing full well that it was Brendon and I, but I just couldn’t make it out. I hadn’t meant to act like what happened didn’t mean anything to me, but it was just so weird.

I realized I couldn’t let Firith think I did and went to step out of bed, when Bren hopped in.

"Hey you..." I said softly lying beside Ryan with a smile, he wasn't so smiley though. "Why the long face?" I asked stroking his face softly.

"I don't know..." Ryan sighed, lying back on the pillows. "I can't stop thinking that I made a mistake."

"Pfft! Mistake? We just boned 2 hot girls and you're getting all emo on it?" I said amused and he rolled his eyes at me.

"Two girls who work for us and that we have to see everyday. I didn't... I didn't want her...them to think I did that a lot." I watched him look away and sighed, petting his hair.

"You're still crushing on her, aren't you?"

"I thought she hated me. And then this..." He shrugged looking sad.

"Aawww, baby..." I said, hugging him close. "Oh well, I guess part of this is my fault too: I invited her in."

"I'm confused, Bren..." Ryan spoke quietly, fidgeting with his fingers. "And it isn't going to be easy getting back to normal."

"Girls are a fucking headache. We better put this little episode behind us, don't you think?" I said trying to calm him down, cupping his face. But he just looked back at me biting his lip.

"I don't know if I can..." Damn his insecurity. I raised an eyebrow and smiled again.

"You'll make it... is not as hard as it looks. Besides, we'll still have each other, as corny as that sounds." I hugged him close again leaning down to kiss him. Normally we'd lay there and make out for a while, but now, he just let our lips meet briefly and as soon as the girls giggled, he pulled away nervously. I groaned and rolled over my back. "Fine, I'll let you think this over."

I made my way out of his bunk and to the front of the bus, getting my regular Red-bull and lying on the couch to watch some random TV movie Jon was watching. But my thoughts were still with the boy back there. We were friends, best friends, relationship that evolved naturally to what we were now. Though we couldn't get it a proper name. The thing is we made each other happy.

I wonder if she could do the same...

I sighed again after he was gone. I swear Brendon was just as exhausting ad confusing as any girl I’d ever been with. Partly because I think he’s just as confused as me. Ok, maybe a little less. Getting comfy on my pillow, and suddenly feeling very lonely, I turned to my side and just lie there. I needed to talk to her. Hopefully she’d want to talk to me too.

A good few hours passed by. And the motion of the bus along with being just plain tired had lulled me to sleep. I was woken up by someone cursing after dropping something loudly on the table up front. Staggering, I got up and went to the bathroom, then headed into the front lounge, where I saw her sitting there. Laptop in front of her at the table, nursing coke can and totally oblivious to my presence.

I stood there watching her, ready to chicken out and crawl back into my fortress before she saw me. I heard Jon in the back lounge, laughing and talking. To his girlfriend of course, and I felt a pang of jealousy rip through me. Not that I wasn’t happy with Bren, but maybe being with him wasn’t exactly what I wanted… The thought frightened me beyond belief. I knew Brendon was a manwhore, but he was also my best friend, which made what we had amazing. I just didn’t know if I wanted to risk being hurt again.
With another sigh, I went to turn on my heel when I felt her eyes boring into the back of my head.

“You need something?” She asked me in a sleepy voice, rubbing at her eyes. I turned slowly to face her, biting and licking my lip. She looked unhappy. That’s when I knew, I wanted to try and make her smile.

I was fairly asleep when a loud crash made me jump awake and hit my head on the upper bunk. I cursed silently, rubbing the sore spot and burying my head back in the pillow, lying there till it was obvious I wasn't sleeping any longer. Ryan's soft steps made their way to the front of the bus and I couldn't help but peek my head out of the curtain just to see him stuck at the entrance of the front lounge. I sighed and rolled my eyes at him, betting my head he'd chicken out before talking to Firith.

I wondered if I should go there and save him myself, but as I rolled out of my bunk I collided with no other than Kris. I smirked.

"Well, hello there, miss..."

"Hi..." She said back with an awkward smile. "Do you need something while I'm up?"

"No... I can get myself to the kitchen." I smiled sweetly to her again. "Now if you join me..." I suggested looking into her eyes, putting my best innocent face. Kris chuckled and looked away for a moment, then back at me.

"Lead the way..." I smirked and grabbed her hand lightly, walking her to the front. The low murmur coming from the table halted as we passed besides Ryan and Firith. I ignored it and opened the minifridge.

"Want anything?" I asked Kris who looked over at the couple.

"Um, yeah, a coke." I got my red bull and a coke for her, smiling sweetly as I handed it to her.

"Here you go... " After she took the can from me, I fell on the couch. She hesitated before sitting awkwardly by my side.

"So, you wanted to talk to me?"

"Well, actually yeah. I think is better if we talk about it." I said, shooting a glance at Ryan who was facing the table and Firith who was looking away. Both of them aware of what I was saying. "I mean... I don't want you to feel weird for what happened, you know?"

"Okay..." Kris chuckled and glanced at Ryan. "I think I get it. And besides, there's no harm in a little fun, right?" It was her turn to smirk now. I knew there was something I really liked about this girl.

"No harm at all, honey." I said gulping down my drink. "Maybe some people should be reminded of that." I saw Ryan flinch slightly at my words, but I focused on Kris, tracing her arm with my finger. "So... no awkwardness?"

"No... no awkwardness." She answered with a bright smile that I mimicked.

This was going good. I got a chick and my boy. Call me greedy, but to me, that's as good as it gets.

I tried my best to ignore Brendon, who was so obviously flirting. Maybe even for my benefit. Instead I tried to focus on talking to Firith, who sat uncomfortable in front of me. It took me minutes to concentrate hard enough to figure out what to say to her. Mostly because I didn’t want to sound like some blubbering idiot, and partly because I didn’t want her to bite my head off. After another moment of watching Brendon molest Kris’ arms, I cleared my throat and licked my lips.

“Are you…are you okay?” I asked, for lack of anything else to begin our conversation with.

She looked at me, bit her lip, and finally answered, “Yeah…” Pause. “You?”

I pressed my lips together hard and shook my head. I was the farthest thing from okay. “I wanted to say something to you… Firith, I don’t want you thinking… I don’t know, “ I sighed. “I just don’t do that sort of thing a lot.”

Still looking at me, she cleared her throat. “What exactly? Sneaking around with Brendon? Or inviting random girls to join you?”

I flinched at her words and sighed again, glancing out of the window. “Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. But no, I don’t invite random girls to have sex with me and my best friend, and you aren’t random.” I lowered my voice before continuing. “And with Bren… It’s complicated.” I admitted it without really admitting it. She nodded in understanding.

“How long…” she stopped and shook her head. “No, I don’t wanna know.” She sighed and went back to clicking the keys of her laptop.

“This isn’t easy for me either, you know? I thought you hated me.” I looked up at her and back down again, holding my breath for her reaction.

“I don’t hate you, Ryan. Far from it actually, but-- you’re with Brendon.” She answered quietly, making my heart flutter. I looked over to the charming little manwhore who was chatting happily with Kris. And he didn’t seem too worried about me.

“Does Brendon look like he’s attached to anyone?” I asked, nodding in their direction. “It’s just… complicated.”

Firith looked over towards Brendon, following my eyes and whispered, “Still makes you… You know… Gay.”

I groaned. I wasn’t gay. In fact, I really didn’t know what I was.

“I’m not…” I paused, and lowered my voice tone even lower. “Tell me, did it feel like you were with a gay guy when you were with me? And…” I trailed off, taking a deep breath to try and gain the courage to do what I told myself I was going to do. I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers, kissing her sweetly and tenderly, then pulled back to whisper against her lips. “Do I kiss you like a gay guy?”

She froze and began to stammer. “N-no..”

It was cute. And here I was thinking I was the only nervous wreck… She stared at my lips, biting down on her own and I caught Brendon out of the corner of my eye watching us with a raised eyebrow just before I kissed her softly again.

Kris and I stared at the other couple sharing that gentle kiss. I pressed my lips together, feeling an uncomfortable twitch at the pit of my stomach. For some reason, I had to stop what was happening in front of me. So I stood up and grabbed Ryan's shoulder and pulled him away from Firith, taking him to the back of the bus.

"Bren, what do you think you're doing?" He said snatching himself from my grasp and giving me a funny look.

"Okay, what was that?" I asked crossing my arms, probably looking like a jealous girlfriend.

"What do you mean what was it? It was a kiss..." Ryan scratched his head as his words trailed off, looking away. I stared at him.

"So you're like, going to be with her now?" I tried to keep my volume as low as possible.

"I--" Blink. "I don't know what's going to happen Bren." He sighed before speaking again quietly. "You knew I liked her before..." It was my turn to sigh as I rubbed my face.

"What about us, then, Ryan?" I stared at him again. "If it was ever an us." I knew there never was quite an us as a couple. But I still had to ask.

"...I didn't realize we were an 'us'." He said looking back at me and biting his lip.

"I didn't either." I stroked his cheek softly. "But we work together. We're good together. Are you willing to risk that for her?"

Okay, guilt should not be a feeling. It might have sounded like I was worried about him, but the thing is I was covering my own ass. Wanting him to be my secure move every time. I bit my lip trying to maintain my expression, looking at his confused face. He shook his head.

"I don't know. But I have to try anyway. Besides, you didn't look too worried about me."

"But I am worried about you!" I cupped his face now, though I was trying to convince myself more that him. "You know I like to flirt around and we've never had a problem with that before. And it works cause you know I wouldn't hurt you... ever!"

"I know, I know." He sighed looking back at me and taking my hands away from his face. He swallowed and lowered his voice. "But if you can have your fun then so can I."

I smiled. "Sure you can, baby..." I leaned in, planting a small kiss on his lips. "Cause those girls are pretty fine if you ask me." I giggled and kissed him again, the nut on my stomach slowly untangling, thinking of the fun we were about to have.

Rolling my eyes at Brendon, I moved back to the front of the bus slowly. The truth was, I told him whatever I could to keep him calm. I didn’t want him ruining whatever it was that I had going for me. And I sure didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. Biting my fingernails, I sat back down beside Firith, who was still typing away on her laptop.
With another glare in Brendon’s direction, and a clear of my throat, I spoke softly.

“Sorry about that,” I shrugged. I saw her body stiffen and I inwardly groaned. Whatever progress I might have been making with her was definitely slighted by Bren’s little stunt.

She shrugged and mumbled, her eyes unmoving from the screen. “Whatever…”
This wasn’t going to be easy.

“So now you’re going to shut me out?” I asked, trying to read her expression effortlessly. She sighed and stole a glance at me.

“It’s just… weird.”

“I know…” Boy did I ever know. “It’s just…” I stopped and sighed yet AGAIN, watching her eyes before looking down to my hands. “Maybe I can explain it better another time.”

She stared at me, completely void of emotion. “And why not now?” She questioned.

“I want to be in… in private.” I explained, looking around the room. If we weren’t alone, I’d have to worry about Brendon’s prying eyes and ears.

“Oh,” She replied. “Okay.”

We sat in silence for another minute, and I decided to leave her with her thoughts. I sure was anxious to get back into my bunk with my own. “Well I just wanted you to know that I’m not going to act any differently after what happened earlier…” I was struggling with my words, sorting out what I needed and what I wanted to say in my head. “Maybe we can get breakfast together in the morning?” I waited for her answer, gnawing on my bottom lip in a nervous habit.

She gave a small smile, biting her lip in the exact same way. “I’d like that.”

I grinned happily, I intended on showing her a good time, and maybe even tell her more about the relationship between Brendon and I. I wanted to be completely honest.

“Well, sleep tight then.” I leaned over slightly, wanting to kiss her so badly, but I decided not to at the last minute, and just sat there, smiling like an idiot. Firith swallowed and gripped my face, kissing me tenderly.

“Night…” She whispered.

I was shocked, but decided not to take time to question her, especially since I’d been aching to kiss her since our lips first met. I placed my lips to hers again sweetly, caressing her cheek with the back of my hand.

“Night.” I said, getting up and leaving her there. I glanced back a few times on the way to my bunk, even catching her eyes once or twice.

Sliding into my bunk, I sighed and clutched my pillow, thinking about my past relationships. And the heartache that went along with them.

Damn Ryan, what are you doing?

I lied in my bunk a while later, making sure everyone else was in bed and hopefully asleep. Damn Firith who took forever to go to bed! Well, it wasn't a secret to anyone that she was insomniac, so I waited enough to make sure she was asleep too before sneaking out of my bunk and into Ryan's one. He was still awake and rolled over to me.

"Hey. Can't sleep?" He whispered.

"Not really..." I hugged him. "What's keeping you up?"

Ryan smiled "I dunno really. Must be the nap from earlier." I chuckled and nuzzled his neck.

"Liar..."

"Okay. I'm caught." He chuckled.

"So, what is it?" I asked looking at him. He shook his head and caressed my face, avoiding my eyes.

"Nothing..." He said evasively.

"Ryan... don't lie to me. I know you too well already. I know something is bothering you."

"I don't want to do this, Bren." He traced a finger over my lip as he bit his own. "I don't want to talk. Or get into this now." I smiled and gave him a little reassuring kiss.

"Okay..." I simply said, hugging him and kissing him again softly. Ryan bit his lip, smiled and kissed me back. I felt him being a little awkward, but I knew exactly how to make him relax.

I kissed him a little harder, wrapping my arms on his waist, pulling him closer to me and deepening the kiss. Ryan sighed and responded to it, groaning .

"Bren..." I kissed his neck, sliding my hands under his shirt before pulling it off. "You want to do this now?"

I chuckled and looked at Ryan. "You don't?"

"Yeah. Yeah... I do." He gave in, kissing me a little harder now, throwing my own shirt away. I smiled and pulled away taking his hand, silently guiding him out of his bunk. I saw him give a nervous little glance at the back of the bus before following me into the bathroom, locking the door behind us.

The rest of our clothes were pulled out in mere seconds, never breaking the heated kiss we were into now. Our cocks rubbing and teasing, making me want him even more. I wrapped my hand around his swollen member, stroking him, gaining a deep groan and a few thrusts into my hand. I smirked and walked back, till my back was leaning on the wall, then pushed him away. Ryan stared at me, his chest heaving as I reached for my jeans and retrieved a little bottle, already too familiar for both of us. Ryan smirked now and took the bottle from me, slathering himself on the content.

I bit my lip, looking at him expectantly. Only a few seconds later I was pinned against the wall, being pounded away by my skinny little boy, who was hitting that right spot every time. I pulled his hair, pressing my lips against his to keep the sounds as down as possible. His mouth fell from mine as he buried his face on my neck and I knew he was close. That's how well I know him. Still clinging to him, I threw my head back, biting my lip, choking all moans and gasps.

"R-rya-n." I stammered as my own peak crept upon me, making me sink my teeth in my lips right before shooting in between the two of us, followed half second later by Ryan, who chose my neck as the biting place.

Both stood there trying to catch our breaths for awhile, then cleaning ourselves and getting dressed again. For some reason no words where exchanged and I didn't wanna break the silence in case anyone could hear us. As quietly as we came into the bathroom, we walked out.

As Ryan and I shared our last little quiet kiss, we heard noises of something falling in the kitchenette. Startled, both made our way to the front door and peeked in, being caught in the act. Ryan pressed his lips together and I just stared blankly as Firith looked at us coldly and walked past us to the bunk area.
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Infatuation