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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

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Disclaimer: this is the work of fiction. Don't own DEG and don't make any money from this.

Shinya looked at his former band mates and smiled a bit. They didn’t really change much. Toshiya kept the same haircut that he had for the Code of Vulgar[ism] tour – short, straight and black. Kaoru also kept the same black color and the same haircut – simple, straight, a bit longish hair. Only Die got rid of all the red shades and kept his hair natural black. Shinya’s hair was still long, with the same red strands from back then. He was the only one to proceed with the so called stage-look. He liked it, but felt perhaps it was time to let go and welcome new changes. Perhaps just to cut his hair short and not color it anymore.
They barely looked like four men in music business. Of course, they disguised themselves, because sometimes the media still bothered them. But they also dropped all the visual-kei style – no more fancy clothes even on their free time. They were just four ordinary-looking, stylish guys, with sunglasses and caps on, sitting outside the café with beer bottles, smoking and enjoying the late hours of the evening.
But the atmosphere was tense. Shinya shifted uncomfortably in his seat and shrank back a bit. He never got used to the silence between then, he never got used not to hear jokes from Die any more, or Toshiya’s laughter. Whenever they met, it always gave him the feeling that they have just left the funeral. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to say.
Kaoru looked worse than when he last saw him almost two months ago. He was pale, looked dead tired and tortured. Kyo’s disappearance was draining him out. And it worried Shinya a lot, because Kaoru wouldn’t listen to anyone, wouldn’t make peace with what have happened. He still believed that Kyo was alive.
Shinya never liked to think about it, but he had accepted it many months ago. The only explanation that he found believable was that Kyo was really dead. Something happened and now his body was lying in a place where nobody ever crossed by. Kyo’s photos were all over the newspapers and magazines and TV for months and months. Surely people would have noticed him walking around with his spiky hair, his tattoos on his hands. But nobody ever saw him or anyone that at least looked like him. So there was no way that Kyo would be alive for more than a year without any money. He would be naive and stupid to believe that Kyo was still alive, as much as it hurt him to think this way.
He knew Die and Toshiya also didn’t believe that Kyo could still be alive. They wanted him to be, but the facts just were against them. They both had also made peace with that a long time ago.
Only Kaoru refused to accept the truth. He tortured himself with thoughts of where Kyo was now, what happened to him and how to find him. How to bring him back.
Shinya lifted the glass to his lips and tasted his beer.
He could understand and justify Kaoru’s recent behavior though. Toshiya overheard Kaoru’s confession to Kyo that night when he came looking for them to tell them that the bus will soon leave. And when Kyo disappeared and Kaoru fell into depression and apathy, Toshiya turned to Shinya and Die for help, telling them what he knew.
Kaoru was in love with Kyo. And he was suffering the most when Kyo disappeared.
But it has been dragging for too long. It’s been over a year now and Kaoru still held on his feelings for Kyo. And it was ruining his life. He was ruining his life by not accepting that Kyo was gone, that Kyo was dead and he had to move on.
“I’m dating someone” Shinya said suddenly, without really thinking first.
Toshiya raised his eyebrows and Die’s hand stopped midway to his mouth, with the cigarette lightly grasped between his two fingers. Only Kaoru showed no surprise or interest in this peace of news.
“I’m only saying this because I think of proposing her and I just want you not to be surprised when you’ll get invitations to the wedding.”
They were still silent and Shinya shrugged his shoulders in response to the still surprised looks on his friends’ faces. At least the atmosphere changed a bit now. He felt more relaxed and easy.
“Aren’t you a bit rash, Shinya?” Toshiya asked, looking concerned.
“No, I don’t think so” Shinya shrugged. “We’ve been dating for almost two years now and I really want to move on with our relationship. Her parents are very old-fashioned, so she won’t move in with me unless we marry. And when I sat down and really thought about it, I made a conclusion that I want to be with her. She is the ideal girl for me.”
“Well, then I’m glad for you” Die said and Toshiya nodded. Kaoru just lit himself a cigarette and still remained silent.
“Are you planning on having children?” Toshiya asked.
“No! At least not now!” Shinya almost shuddered. “I don’t feel mature enough for children yet. And she, luckily, isn’t obsessed with them either.”
Die snickered.
“I can’t really imagine you with children, Shinya. You’re still like a goofy nerdy kid to me!”
Shinya glared at Die, but as even Kaoru smiled at hearing this comment, he let it go. The atmosphere finally was almost normal between them.
“So how it feels to be working with Yoshiki-san, Shinya?” Toshiya asked and Shinya beamed immediately.
“It’s great! I do my best and he always compliments me. I learned how to work with him and it’s getting easier and easier. Though Yoshiki-san is a very demanding person and always wants things to be done perfectly. It’s hard for me to handle the stress sometimes. But otherwise it’s all good.”
Shinya was helping Yoshiki to produce a new band and it took a lot of time and efforts from Shinya, but he was very happy. He couldn’t have dreamed of a better job after they disbanded.
“How about you two?” Shinya asked Die and Toshiya. “When we will be able to buy the first single of your new band?”
“Ah, it’s still several months away” Toshiya sighted and smiled. “The band doesn’t even have a name yet. We’re moving forward very slowly, but things are progressing and that’s most important.”
“We still don’t forgive you for not taking the place of the drummer, Shinya!” Die laughed.
“But you’ve already found the drummer, haven’t you?”
Die nodded.
“Yeah… He’s fine.”
“Die doesn’t like him” Toshiya laughed.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not you!”
Shinya glared at Die disapprovingly.
“And also he can’t tease him, because the drummer is even crazier than Die!” Toshiya laughed and got a nudge from Die in the shoulder.
“Nah… he’s cool. But it’s just not you, Shin-chan” Die smiled and Shinya tried to answer the smile but failed. He felt a sudden wave of sadness wash over him.
The best times ever were when they were in Dir en grey. And these times were over for good. Shinya didn’t want to be in any other band, so as he by a lucky chance met with Yoshiki and was offered to help him produce one of the two bands he had, he happily agreed without even thinking about it. It was the best choice for him. The best option.
Die and Toshiya for some reason decided to take a chance and risk at creating a new band. They had a new drummer and a new singer and started anew. Their debut still was bound to come and Shinya really hoped they would succeed. But just thinking about the four of them taking different paths was sad.
“What about you, Kaoru?” Toshiya suddenly asked. “Have you already found a job?”
Kaoru just shook his head and Toshiya frowned.
“But you have at least some plans, haven’t you?”
“Not really…”
“Kaoru, it’s not healthy to sit at home and just do nothing” Shinya tried reasoning with him, his voice gentle. “You have to move on.”
“I have enough money to live on for several years by doing nothing. I don’t see why I should look for a job if I don’t want to.”
Shinya bit his lower lip trying to make himself stop from commenting. He tried talking to Kaoru already many times, but Kaoru didn’t even want to hear anything at all. It was pointless to talk to him at this point. Shinya silently decided that he’d ask Yoshiki for help. Maybe he knows a place where Kaoru could work. Maybe he could do something, anything that would keep Kaoru’s mind off the current situation and gradually he would be back on track. Kaoru was one of those workaholics, so given the opportunity he would soon be emerged in his work in spite of his unwillingness to do anything at all.
But for now Shinya decided to keep silent. There was no point in trying to talk some sense in Kaoru. Not yet.
Die and Toshiya frowned, but also kept silent. They were in no position to tell Kaoru what to do with his life even if they wanted. It was too obvious for them that Kaoru still grieved for Kyo. Still missed him badly. Still had hopes for things coming back as they used to be.
“I’m thinking of hiring a private detective” Kaoru said in a low voice, almost as if he was talking to himself.
“Kaoru, that’s… that’s not really the best idea…” Shinya started, but Kaoru cut him off.
“What the fuck do you know?! I thought all of you were better friends than this! But it’s so easy for you to just forget he ever existed and move on with your lives!”
Toshiya stood up so suddenly, that the chair fell down. He looked furious and didn’t care that people around them were eyeing their group with curiosity. His hands turned into fists, shaking with anger.
“What do you know what we feel, Kaoru?” Toshiya uttered through gritted teeth, so that only those around him could hear. “He was our friend! We loved him! If we move on with our lives it doesn’t mean that we don’t give a damn about him any more! We DO! We miss him badly! I miss him badly! If I don’t wallow in depression and try to enjoy my life, it doesn’t mean I forgot him! Because I didn’t! I DIDN’T!”
He threw a nasty glare at Kaoru, then grabbed his bag and turned to leave. Die hurriedly fished some money from his bag for his and Toshiya’s drinks and stood up as well.
“See you later, guys” he said and hurried after Toshiya, who was still visible among the people in the street.
Kaoru supported his head with his hand and looked down at the table. Shinya sighted and tried to compose himself. They didn’t know how to talk with each other any more. They fell apart easily.
“I’m sorry” Shinya heard Kaoru say. “I know you care about him… I just…”
“It’s ok, Kaoru” Shinya sighted. “You don’t need to explain yourself. We’re all stressed out… But Kaoru, we all love Kyo, and we all care about him. You’re not alone in this.”
Kaoru nodded slowly and finished his almost burnt-out cigarette. They finished their drinks in silence and parted. What more was there to talk about? Kaoru wouldn’t listen. Shinya didn’t have a lot of patience to try and convince him of finally moving on.
So they parted with barely saying a goodbye to each other.

***

It’s been a year, five months and thirty-six days.
I should really force myself to clean the apartment again. It’s so messed up. Dirt all over the floor, fast food boxes and wrappings scattered everywhere, stacks of old newspapers and magazines scattered in every room on the floor, unwashed dishes, and smelly dirty clothes.
But I cannot care less. What’s the point?
It’s his birthday in eleven days. He’ll turn twenty-nine. Twenty-nine years old.
I’ll be thirty-one just one day after his birthday.
I don’t understand when I got so old. It feels like the days of fooling around on the stage and just hanging out with him were hundreds of years ago. Sometimes I get scared I would forget how it felt to be around him, to talk to him and just watch him.
I almost know by hard all our DVDs and other stuff that was ever filmed. I know I’m torturing myself by watching him, but not seeing him at least in this way is even harder. I can’t go through the day without looking through his pictures, watching him laugh in some interview or listening to his voice singing his sad lyrics.
I miss him badly.
And I refuse to believe that he’s dead. He can’t be.
Please, God… Let him come back home… let him live a bit more…

***

It’s been a year, five months and forty-seven days.
The day of his birthday is like a blurry dream to me. I drank so much starting early in the morning that I couldn’t remember at what point did I finally stop and just fell on the sofa to sleep.
I woke up hearing the most irritable noise on earth. My mobile phone was ringing again. It was past midnight already. The day of my fucking birthday.
The phone stopped ringing and I sat up, trying to remember what the hell was I doing.
Oh yeah, drinking.
I stand up somehow and head to the kitchen. I still have a lot of booze in the fridge. Lately it’s all I can find there, but I’m not complaining.
I take a bottle of wine and open it, then head back to the living room. On my way I trip over a stack of magazines on the floor and almost break my neck by falling hard on the floor. But the bottle doesn’t break. Thankfully.
I finally find myself sitting on the sofa and drink directly from the bottle.
Where the fuck are my cigarettes?
After what seems like an eternity I finally find them under the table together with the lighter. When I inhale my first portion of heavenly smoke, my mobile rings again.
I don’t even know where it is. It sounds like it’s here, in the living-room with me, but I can’t see it.
And it’s not like I want to talk to anybody right now. I don’t give a shit if somebody wants to wish me a fucking happy birthday.
It’s not happy. It won’t ever be.
Soon my vision gets so unfocused I can’t even see the edge of the table. I just hear how the bottle hits the floor and my booze fills on the floor. I think I can hear the phone ringing again. I don’t know. All I can see is Kyo in one of his crazy haircuts, ready for the show. He’s smiling to the camera and I can’t help but grasp the picture tightly in my hand.
But somehow Kyo’s face gets distorted and starts to change. He starts to look more and more like Shinya. Like a very confused, agitated Shinya on Prozac or something.
“Wake up! Wake up, damn it! Kaoru!”
“Nhh…” I manage to utter and try to make my eyes open. The light is too bright. Is it morning already?
I feel somebody lifting me, making me sit, then stand. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to stay here… right here…
I finally manage to open my eyes and almost puke as I see the floor spinning around me like mad. Somebody lets go of me and I fall down in an uncomfortable position. Then the ice-cold water hits me. I think I screamed something, or perhaps cursed like mad and tried to get away, but strong hands held me in place and made me endure this torture.
“Enough…” I sputter through the water in my mouth. “I’m f-freezing alr-r-ready!”
The water ceases to run and I open my eyes slowly. Shinya’s face appears in front of me and I try to focus on him. What the hell is he doing here? How did he get in? Did I forget to lock the door again yesterday?
“Kaoru, do you hear me?”
I nod. It still takes too much effort to talk.
“Kaoru, it’s Kyo. It’s Kyo…”
I look at him puzzled. Shinya’s eyes are almost mad with emotions. There are so many of them in his eyes that I don’t understand how to read them. I just stare at him, waiting for him to continue.
“They found him! Kyo’s alive! They found him!”
I must be still asleep. I thought I heard Shinya say that Kyo’s alive and that he’s finally back. But Shinya keeps looking at me with so many emotions in his eyes that I start to believe I’m not asleep really.
“Shinya, are… are you serious? Really?” I hear myself ask, my voice alien even to my own ears. Shinya just nods, tears threatening to escape his eyes any second now.
“They found him yesterday morning, wondering around in the streets of a small town not far from Kobe. He’s in the hospital now. Please, put yourself together, sober up and let’s go.”
I try to stand up, but my legs give in and I fall down again. For a moment I just sit there, all drenched in ice-cold water, already freezing. But the only thing that I can feel now is disbelieve and immense fear.
Is it really the truth? Can it be really happening?
I hear Shinya let out a sob right next to me and turn to look at him. His face is in his hands, he’s obviously crying. I touch his shoulder with my trembling fingers and Shinya turns to look at me.
I can’t even make a sound, but Shinya understands. He understands it all.
He hugs me tightly and cries. Partly from stress, partly from shock and partly from joy. I just sit there, holding him, still afraid that it all might be a dream.

TBC
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Blurry Days