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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
I had a betareader for this chapter - kampffussel :) Thank you so much! ^^
Also, I need to warn you – this chapter is going to be ANGSTY and DEPRESSING!!! Don’t like that kind of stuff, then don’t read it! :))) OK, my work is done, I have warned you :) Now to the chapter 2 :)))
CHAPTER 2
--- 2010 January 24 ---
“Beer maybe?”
“Naaaaah, I can’t, I’m driving.”
“Your loss” Die grins and takes out only two bottles and hands one to Toshiya, while I get tea. I take the cup and start playing with it, looking down at the green liquid inside. A few moments pass in silence and I finally lift my head to look at the couple in front of me.
Toshiya and Die both look at me curiously, clearly aware that I didn’t come here just to have a cup of tea.
“So… where’s Kyo?” Toshiya asks, looking me in the eyes.
“Home, I guess. I finished work earlier today, so I used the free time to come here.”
“And Kyo doesn’t know?” Toshiya asks, though it looks as if he already knew the answer. I just nod a bit and smile sheepishly.
“So what’s up?” Die asks, looking a bit curious and worried now.
“It’s nothing really… I just…” I sigh and rub my temples with my fingers. I feel frustrated and a bit angry at myself that I came here with my problems, but there’s really nowhere else I could turn to. They are the only ones I trust enough to tell what’s bothering me and the only ones who could understand my problems at all.
They both wait for me to speak and I sigh yet again.
“It’s Kyo’s parents. They’re making our life difficult.”
Especially my life, but I don’t want to complain and be pitied. That’s not what I came here for.
“It’s a bit complicated… His father basically repudiates him as his son and his mother, whenever we see her, is all hysterical and always tries to talk Kyo into leaving me.”
I take a sip from the cup just to give myself time to gather my thoughts and make them more coherent.
“The both of you are together for a long time. I wanted to ask you… I mean, does anyone else except me, Kyo and Shinya know about your relationship? Like your parents? How is it for you two?”
Toshiya and Die exchange their glances and I wait now. I just thought that maybe they could give me some advice. Because I myself just don’t know what else to do. I feel cornered and the only solution to this problem seems to be the only one I could never accept.
“Well, with my parents it was pretty much easy” Toshiya starts slowly. “I started to feel different for the same sex when I still was a teenager. I had my issues and a hard time of dealing with this new experience, and somewhere along that my mom got to know that by accident. I don’t even know how I let that happen, cause I always was very careful.
Well, to cut the long story short, that was the main problem when I was still in school and when I understood that I liked to swing both ways, my parents had to accept that as well. My mom learned to live with that and my dad gradually learned to accept it.
So when Die appeared, it was not already an issue of me liking guys, it was already an issue of what kind of person Die was. We’ve been to visit my parents together a few times and they like Die, so we’re quite alright with my family.”
I smile and can’t help but feel jealous for them a bit right now.
“Die was so nervous the first time we went for the weekend!” Toshiya laughs. “But I just told him to keep the jokes down and the rest will be ok.”
“It wasn’t as bad as I expected” Die laughs.
“And what about your parents?” I ask Die.
“Aaah, well… It wasn’t as easy as with Totchi’s folk” Die sights and suddenly all the laughter dies down.
“Die’s parents’ reaction was… different” Toshiya sighs and sips his beer.
“It’s as if we have a silent agreement in our family” Die speaks, not letting Toshiya do all the talking, especially the unhappy one. “My father knows I’m gay, but he pretends I am not. This is the only way he can accept that. And my mom still sometimes starts the talk of how I should finally settle down and get myself a family.”
Die’s smile on the lips seems bitter and on his face I see the same emotions I recently have. The bitterness over the fact that you cannot change the existing situation. Even if you wish you could.
“Though at least my brother is cool about that. He visited us in Tokyo and he really likes Toshiya. I think he has gay friends and it’s just not that important for him. After all, I make up for him by being a famous rock star and he used to boast to his friends about that a lot.”
Die chuckles and smiles bitterly again.
“I think my parents tolerate my sexual orientation to some extent only because of that. I am not a failure, I have money, I am famous and a public person, so me being gay becomes a somewhat less horrible thing for them.”
“They visited Die some time ago and I met them as a band mate” Toshiya says silently, suddenly looking as if he was bothered by something. “And…”
Toshiya falls silent and smiles somewhat sadly.
“And when the two of us were left alone with them for some time, I hinted to them of our relationship” Die fills in.
“Yeah… you’re not that smooth with things like that, Die. I would never trust you again to deliver some delicate news to people.”
Die looks a bit embarrassed for a moment and only smiles apologetically to Toshiya. It’s clear that they’ve had conversations about that already many times and ‘I’m sorry’ was repeated more than once.
“Well, I can only say that since then Die’s parents look at me as if I was some kind of a two-headed monster. They don’t really like me, but they don’t terrorize us. They just pretend I don’t exist and Die has no love life whatsoever.”
I sigh and push the tea aside.
“They’re not even half as bad as Kyo’s parents are.”
“What exactly happened, Kaoru?” Toshiya asks, clearly interested to know.
“Kyo’s mother dropped by unannounced and basically offered me money to disappear from Kyo’s life.”
“Wow, that’s… harsh!” Die shouts.
“And it’s always like that. They openly show how much they don’t like me.”
Huh, don’t like me. More like hate me with all their hearts.
“They are really hypocritical” Toshiya frowns. “I mean, what about Kyo? Kyo is also gay, or at least bi, or whatever he is... Why is it alright for him to be this way and for you already not OK? It’s as if you didn’t exist, Kyo would be straight.”
“Sometimes it feels like that. As if I was the only source of the problem.”
“Come on, cheer up, Kaoru!” Die pats me on the back friendly. “I’m sure they won’t be this assertive all the time. They will give up eventually.”
“I know, but this is just so tiring…”
For a few moments only silence is heard and I sigh loudly. Even with the way Die’s parents behave, I feel jealous. I wish all of them would just fuck off and left me and Kyo in peace. That would already be like heaven.
“And what about your parents, Kaoru?” Toshiya asks carefully.
I shrug, not really sure myself what to tell him.
“They’re not happy that I live with Kyo now, but they don’t try to impose their opinion on me. I don’t really know… We even spent Christmas and New Year with them and they were OK with Kyo being there with me, but after I moved in with Kyo they started showing more displeasure than before. Since then I haven’t seen them and now I really don’t want to. I’m afraid that they will start the same bullshit as Kyo’s parents.”
“It doesn’t sound like that” Die muses. “I think you should really try visiting them more often and just give them a chance to see how happy you are with the choice you made. And they might even like Kyo.”
“Might even like Kyo?” I repeat, razing my eyebrows. “What do you mean by that?”
Toshiya tries hard not to snigger too loudly and Die cringes in his seat.
“Well you know, Kyo’s got not the easiest character and he usually seems to be cold and unsocial to strangers. And... Oh, you know what I mean!”
“Kyo is always polite and nice with my parents!” I cross my hands on the chest defending my lover. “That never was a problem!”
“Yeah, OK, sorry!” Die lifts his hands in defense and looks even more embarrassed.
“Do they not like Kyo’s past?” Toshiya asks gently and I smile at him, nodding a bit.
“They saw how Kyo was when his mind was not right, and they in the end supported my decision to take care of him. But then Kyo started to recover and then they didn’t understand why I still wanted to be with him.”
“You know, Kaoru, I really believe things will work out for both of you” Toshiya says, looking convinced. “Your parents doesn’t sound that bad, they just need some more time. And Kyo’s parents… I really think they will give up after some time. You just have to prove them you really want to be together and nothing will ever change that.”
Die nods to all Toshiya said and somehow it really makes me feel somewhat relieved. They also had problems, though perhaps not even half as bad as my and Kyo’s ones, but still. I just have to get a grip on myself. Everything’s going to be fine.
“Thanks guys. I just really needed for somebody from aside to tell me how the situation looks. I don’t want to tell Kyo what his mother has offered me. It would just upset him and he would end up having a fight with her yet gain.”
“Of course” Toshiya nods.
“How is he?” Die asks. “Is his health stable finally?”
“Well… he still has nightmares sometimes, but they aren’t that bad anymore, so I guess I could say he’s fine. Though he still needs tranquilizers sometimes. And he still is too much depressed for my liking. I really want him to start thinking about a job and the future, but he seems to still live in a kind of fairy land where money isn’t needed and lovers don’t have to go to work. He still feels very insecure and is very clingy. Doesn’t go out by himself that much. But I guess compared to what his condition used to be, I shouldn’t be so concerned.”
“Hmmm… Maybe he just needs more time. We don’t even know what he had to go through, so who we are to judge how much time he needs to forget all of that” Toshiya says silently.
“Kyo will never forget all of it” I say and my voice sounds harsh, but I don’t care. They have no idea what Kyo’s been through. And I’m not about to tell them.
Silence falls between us and at that moment I understand just what a bit gap opened between me and Kyo and the rest of our band mates. We still share a lot of what is going on in our lives, but now the three of them are on the different side from where I stand. And if they would as much as try to say something against Kyo, I would fight them without thinking twice.
My phone rings and the atmosphere in the room changes. Toshiya and Die immediately relax and I pick up my mobile to see who’s calling me.
“It’s Kyo” I smile at the screen. “Please keep silent, I don’t want him to know I visited you with these questions.”
They both nod and I accept the call, not wanting to make Kyo wait longer.
“Hey, Kyo-kun!”
“Kaoru?” just from that one word Kyo’s voice sounds strange to me and I get worried immediately.
“Is everything alright, Kyo?”
“Are you already coming home?”
“Yes, I’m on my way. What happened? What’s wrong, Kyo?”
“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just… it’s stupid, I know it is, but I just want you to come back home as soon as you can.”
I stand up and start walking to the hall. Die and Toshiya follow, also looking worried. They heard my part of the conversation and it was enough to understand something was not right.
“It’s nothing, Kaoru, really. I just… there was some guy starring at our kitchen windows in the morning and I think I just saw him a few minutes ago again, starring at our front yard, and I just…”
“It wasn’t that man, was it?” I whisper, feeling really scared now.
“N-no, it wasn’t h-him. I saw the face and it was just some guy, but I just… I know it’s stupid, Kaoru, but I’m scared now!”
“Just lock the doors and go upstairs. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”
“Okay, please hurry.”
“I will.”
I shut my phone and put the shoes on.
“Is everything all right?” Toshiya asks, looking somewhat scared.
“Yeah, it is. Kyo just doesn’t feel safe now when he’s alone, even at home. I’m going now. Thanks for everything, guys. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
When they close the door behind me, I almost run down the corridor to the elevator and then to the parking lot.
I know it’s nothing dangerous and real, but Kyo’s condition could have never been measured physically. It was all in his head. And I really don’t want Kyo to start having panic attack while he was alone.
He didn’t have one for a long time now and I really don’t like this. But I hope I would arrive home to find him a bit scared and frustrated, but nothing more serious.
It’s been years since Kyo was found wondering in the streets somewhere many miles away from Tokyo. But we still feel the consequences. And it still affects our lives. Kyo’s life and mine.
Perhaps the consequences will never fully go away.
***
Kyo hands me the glass and I put it on the kitchen table. Kyo still grasps the bottle with pills in his hand and I can’t help but worry about him. I hope the pills will start working soon and he will calm down noticeably.
“Feeling better?” I ask and Kyo nods a bit, still looking worried and a bit not like himself.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru. I know I made a scene for nothing, but I just got really scared…”
“Don’t be stupid, Kyo. I’m not angry. Whatever it is that worries you, always tell me. I mean it.”
He nods still looking a bit worried and embarrassed.
“Come on, let’s go to the bedroom. It’s already late, so we can just watch TV for some time and relax.”
“OK.”
Kyo carefully puts the bottle with pills in a cupboard and turns to me.
“Did you lock the doors?”
“Yes, I did. I also checked the balcony door to the garden and closed all the windows. So there’s no need to worry, you can relax now, Kyo.”
We go to the bedroom and I close the curtains. Kyo is already taking off his clothes. His movements are slow, as if he would need time to think over every move he makes. I didn’t even notice how I started watching him. After I closed the curtains, the room sinks in dusk and Kyo’s body becomes of a darker shade, looking somewhat sharper. He’s short and now skinny. He wanted to get back in shape and started to work out, gave up eating all that was fatty and high in calories. Now he looks almost like I remember him.
Drop-dead gorgeous.
He got more tattoos and now his hands look a lot different. They are almost all covered in ink now. And somehow I find it really sexy. He still wants more and I would object, but I know it’s pointless. He’d still do the way he wants.
Kyo takes off his sweater and is now stepping out of his pants. His back is turned to me, so I still stare at him. The muscles on his back, the pale skin, black ink covering both hands, spiky blond hair, firm ass.
Kyo turns to look at me and immediately notices that something’s off. He looks at me questioningly, raising his brows.
I force myself to move and come closer to him. I don’t even want to watch some crappy show on TV. I want Kyo. I always want only Kyo. I know I tell him I love him almost every day, but that’s only the truth. And I can’t help but want him all the time. It’s just that sometimes I think ‘Do I look desperate and clingy to him?’. He never told me he loves me, even though I know I am the only really important person in his life now. Maybe one of the two, I shouldn’t forget his sister, I guess…
But today I’m not going to start a fight with him over this. Tonight I want to spend the time being close to him. Maybe making love to him if he is up for that.
Kyo looks up and smiles to me when I take his hand and push him towards the bed.
“What?” he asks, smiling. He already looks much calmer to me. I hope it will stay like that for the rest of the night.
I push him down on the bed and make him lie down. He looks up at me, smiling slightly, as if trying to mock me and ask whether I’m really thinking I could get my way with him.
“I’d be pleased if you would just lie here and be sexy” I say, smirking.
Kyo crosses his hands and puts them under his head, starring at me. Waiting for my next move.
I quickly get rid of the sweater, my pants and socks and climb on the bed straddling him. Kyo just keeps smiling, watching my every move.
“I always said you’re gorgeous” I whisper and lower myself down to kiss him. Kyo puts his hands over my neck and pushes me closer to him.
“Kaoru” he almost purrs. “Are you horny again?”
“Yeah…”
Kyo lets out a small laugh and kisses me again. This time a bit slower and deliberately. I press my hips to his body to let him feel my need growing bigger and bigger.
“I want you, Kyo” I whisper in his ear.
“I know” Kyo says, sounding almost cocky. “I know...”
This time his voice is just tender and soft. I guess he finally starts feeling the effect of the pills.
“I want you too” he says silently, tracing his fingers over my naked back almost sensually. A shiver runs down my body from this touch and I press up to him tighter.
“Can I make love to you, Kyo?”
He keeps silent for a moment, but then nods slowly. He still sometimes feels uncomfortable with being on the receiving end. Sometimes he’s all for it and loves it. But sometimes, like today, he feels hesitant and reluctant to be at the bottom. It’s not that he doesn’t like it, it’s just that he feels a bit scared every time we do it like this. And I always try to be extra careful in the beginning. But then when he’s all hot and panting and hard and turned on, then it always is great. It’s just the beginning that’s awkward. Even if I am the one at the bottom.
This time though I also hope that sex will distract him and help him forget about what happened today. Kyo needs to relax.
I lean down and brush my lips over his ones lightly. His lips are moist and warm. I love the feeling of my lips on his bottom lip, touching it just the slightest and feeling his whole body react to it – a shiver runs down from his head to toes and Kyo closes his eyes in anticipation.
I finally kiss him, not wanting to torture him anymore.
He responds to my kisses by pressing back to me, tightening his hold on me, pressing me closer to him desperately. It is very silent tonight. I can only hear our kisses and Kyo’s sharp little breaths he takes in between them. And the shuffling of the sheets underneath us.
My hands travel on their own down Kyo’s sides and stop on his thighs. I start stroking them slowly, very close to his cock, but not really touching it. It always makes him desperate for my touch if I do this long enough.
I feel Kyo’s hands on my back now. He has a light grip on me and after some more time I feel it loosen up even more until his hands slide down my sides, fall on the bed and stay resting there.
Kyo pushes back his head and I hear him sigh.
I draw back to look him in the face.
“What’s wrong, Kyo?” I try to ask him gently. He looks almost sad now and I immediately feel worried.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru. But I just can’t get it up.”
He looks embarrassed after he utters these words and I automatically look down. I am rock hard and Kyo’s dick is flat and tiny looking and simply pathetic compared to mine.
I hear myself sigh despite my own will and roll off of Kyo to lie next to him.
“It’s OK” I mutter, though a feeling of frustration creeps into me. I really am all horny and want a release so bad. But I know Kyo’s not doing this on purpose, so I have to just accept things how they are. It’s not the first time after all when Kyo can’t get exited. And I can’t really blame him.
It’s just that… sometimes my sex life is non-existent. Kyo has too many times when he can’t get it up. And by now I know it’s not normal and it is something we should be worried about. But Kyo refuses to see a doctor over this matter. He still hopes it will all work out on its own with time.
And I will of course wait and hope for the best.
It’s just that today I was craving for closeness so bad and I’m not going to get any.
“You’re disappointed” I hear Kyo’s voice beside me and it is so sad and weak that I immediately want to smack myself for being so stupid. I should have covered up my disappointment better.
I turn to look him in the eyes and try to force out a reassuring smile.
“Well, I’m just horny, Kyo. But that’s really not the end of the world.”
I hate how he still feels so insecure when sex is concerned. And how he still has little panic attacks like the one today. I wish he would already be fine. I wish he didn’t have any more problems and fears. I wish he would just say some crude remark to me then grin and fuck my brains out.
But I must finally admit the truth. Kyo is never going to be the same as he was. I know it. But even then I hope I am wrong. Though all the evidence is right in front of my eyes and they all tell me only one truth. The truth I don’t really like.
Sometimes when this happens Kyo just blows me to make up to me, but I usually never ask for that myself. Only if Kyo offers to do it himself. I don’t want to pressure him with anything when it comes to sex, so I simply don’t ask.
I feel Kyo cuddle up to my side. He buries his head between my arm and my hand and puts his hands on my torso carefully, though barely touching it with his fingers as if he would be afraid. I feel him tremble a little as if he was cold or crying.
So no blowjob for me as well tonight.
I curse myself immediately.
I am so selfish. Kyo just had a scare of his life today, thinking the shithead kidnapper came back, and here I am, wanting only to fuck him or get a blowjob from him.
I wish I wasn’t this selfish. But it’s hard not to be when I’m this horny.
Though I can forgive myself these thoughts only because however badly I would want to have sex, I would never ever try to force Kyo into anything he didn’t want. Not even a relatively innocent blowjob.
I can’t help but sigh and close my eyes for a moment, trying to will the boner in my boxers go away.
I put a hand over Kyo and push him closer to me, then grab the blanket and cover us both as much as I can reach. The bitter disappointment still lingers, but I try to force these thoughts out of my head.
It is a catch 22 situation, really.
Or, more or less, it is similar to it.
I am horny and want Kyo badly, but I won’t ever make a move if Kyo doesn’t want me to. And I know he doesn’t want me to most of the time. But Kyo needs me to encourage him and initiate the intimate moments between us, because otherwise we wouldn’t have any of those at all. But as I don’t want to force Kyo into anything that is uncomfortable for him, I barely ever try pushing him at all.
Thus this leaves me almost always not satisfied at all.
And even if I want it badly, so badly that sometimes I can barely hold myself back, I never say a word to him. What would he feel if I told him I hate how we are rarely intimate with each other? What should he say if I told him I want him badly, that I just want to turn him over and fuck him blind? If he doesn’t want it himself, but did it only just to please me, would I become any different from that degenerated bastard that held him captive?
No, I wouldn’t. I’d sink as low as him. I’d hurt Kyo. And for what? For sex?
A snort comes out from my lips involuntarily.
No, I am not going to ever do any of that. I’m horny, so what? It is a pain in the ass, being constantly horny to the point that sometimes it hurts. And being disappointed with your sex life most of the time is also no fun. But I am not going to ever tell Kyo any of that and hurt him, make him think he needs to please me, that he needs to attend to my physical needs.
Because he doesn’t. And I am a better man than to make him feel guilty and obliged to have sex with me.
But suddenly I hear a sob escape from Kyo’s lips and I turn to look at him. A few tears are running down his cheeks and he starts pushing back from me, looking so bewildered.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask and try to tighten my hold on him and not to let him escape me. Kyo tries to turn his head away from me and not to look at me.
And finally it clicks. Perhaps he misinterpreted the snort I let out by accident and now thinks I was sarcastic.
“Hey, come on, look at me” I try to make him face me again. “Kyo, I was speaking seriously. It’s OK, it really is.”
Kyo calms down somewhat, but I see how much effort it takes him to do that. Most of these emotions and sensitivity tonight are the cause of the drugs he drank. They make Kyo’s panic attacks go away, but he becomes extra sensitive and hard to talk to. I already know how it works, so this is no surprise to me. But still, I hate seeing him so emotionally shaken.
I draw him even closer to my naked chest. It feels comforting to feel him pressing up to me finally instead of trying to pull away.
“How can it be ok? I always push you away, I almost never want to make love to you… And I know you need it, but sometimes I just can’t force myself to bear with it and just do it…”
“God, Kyo! What are you saying?! Don’t you ever do anything you don’t want! Haven’t you got tired of me repeating the same thing over and over again? Kyo, you don’t owe me and you don’t have to do anything to repay me – including sex! When will it sink in your thick head?”
Kyo keeps silent and I sigh. I can’t be mad at him even if he talks nonsense like that sometimes.
“Let’s just rest tonight, OK? You’re already overly sensitive because of the drugs. But they will help you sleep well and it will all look a bit different in the morning. You’ll see.”
Kyo nods and I kiss him on the head. I reach for the lamp on the bedside table and turn it off.
“Goodnight, Kyo-kun.”
“Night.”
For some time I listen to his breathing and try to focus my thoughts on anything else except the boner in my boxers. This is just so damn familiar. Me trying to fall asleep while my cock tortures me and begs for attention.
But as always, I finally fall asleep somehow.
***
I wake up to find the bed beside me empty. I stretch and go to the bathroom. After doing the usual routine of taking a piss, cleaning my teeth and having a shower, I go out feeling refreshed and much better.
Mornings always come and yesterday’s problems always don’t seem so difficult anymore.
I go to the kitchen and find Kyo sitting there, cuddled up in a thick bathrobe with a cup of coffee in front of him.
“Morning” I smile to him.
“Morning” Kyo mumbles back to me, not even lifting his head to look at me.
“For how long are you already up?”
Kyo shrugs his shoulders slightly. Shit, why on earth is he still in such a bad mood today? I thought that after a good night’s sleep he’d be fine again. But he seems to still be sad over something.
I sit in front of him, deciding we have to talk it over.
“What’s wrong Kyo?”
He sighs silently and finally lifts his eyes to look at me.
“We can’t go on like this anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I start to think that it was a mistake to move in with you.”
“What?!”
Is he fucking serious?
“I woke up early in the morning and couldn’t fall asleep again, so I stayed up, thinking about things… And the only conclusion I could come up with is that it is not fair for you. I am holding you back. I can’t even have sex with you. Whenever I do, you have to work hard to turn me on. And I’m beginning to fear it will never change.”
I open my mouth to protest but Kyo beats me.
“And it’s not only about sex, Kaoru, of course not! I think it’s unfair for you to live with me when you say you love me so much and I… and I only want to be with you because I need you… and the safety that your presence provides…”
There is nothing I can say now. All reason left me, all coherent thoughts escaped my mind right that instant Kyo said these words.
“I’m starting to think I’m using you, being cruel to you, I…”
Kyo grips the cup in his hands to direct his frustration somewhere. He lowers his head and stares at the table now.
“I don’t want you to ever go… But… I’m so sick of living in this constant fair. I’m afraid that that man will seek for me again and find me, and bring me back to the nightmare I had to live in and I won’t even be able to die unless he lets me. I’m afraid you will get tired of me – of the constant lack of money and absence of sex, of my parents always terrorizing you and yours being disappointed in you. I want this life I have now so much, but after yesterday I understood that it’s not as perfect as I thought it was.
Maybe I just need you to feel safe, maybe I just need your presence in order to be able to live normally. Because now even the slightest things make me panic. And if it weren’t for you, I’d be soon going back to the madhouse…
Kaoru, I just… I’m just so fucking tired of everything…”
I feel my eyes fill up with tears, but I don’t let them escape.
Will this ever going to end? Will we ever be happy?
“Kyo…” I start, but my voice cracks and I stop for a moment. “Kyo, don’t say any of that ever again. Please… I love you more than anything in this world. So don’t tell me you don’t want me in your life anymore. Don’t you do that to me.”
I shake my head while speaking and my voice sounds shaky and dry.
I never thought he’d be having thoughts like that ever again. I never thought we’d be talking about this yet one more time.
“But Kaoru, what good do you get out of this?”
He lifts his eyes and they pierce right into the depths of my soul.
“I get all I ever wanted, Kyo” I state this as firmly as I can. “I get you. And all that comes together with that is fine by me as long as I have you.”
“It’s not that simple, Kaoru” Kyo shakes his head, but I can see that I’m getting through to him bit by bit.
“Kyo, what would you really feel if I said you are right and just moved out? Would you be happy then? Would you?”
“It’s not about me, Kaoru, it’s about you.”
“Cut the bullshit, Kyo! I’m asking you what would YOU feel? Do you really want me to pack my things right now and be gone from your life forever? Would that make you happy?”
He shakes his head frantically, looking scared all of a sudden.
“Then why do you say stupid shit like that, Kyo?! Why would you say any of that when you know how much I love you?!”
“But you’re not happy…”
“Did I ever tell you that?! Did I?!”
Kyo shakes his head again and I feel bad for making him scared, but I have to get to him, I have to make him see reason. Because he’s just being all confused again. Confused because just yesterday he thought the man came back to get him. And I’m not going to let this fear ruin what we have now.
“No I didn’t, because I am happy! I have you, Kyo! I love you, I need you so badly! And don’t you ever doubt that! Because nothing else is as important for me as you, got it?!”
Kyo nods slightly, looking so miserable that I simply can’t make myself shout at him anymore. I get up and go to him, kneel in front of him and take his tattooed hands in mine. I lift one of them, the tattoo-free hand to my lips and kiss the fingers one by one. And with each kiss Kyo’s face becomes softer and sadder.
And full of love to me.
Whatever he says, I know he loves me. He just never says that out loud.
“Kyo, you see, you want to be with me, you need me. And I don’t think you’d still want me in your life if you didn’t love me even a little. So stop speaking that nonsense! Yes, you need me, but you also want me. If you hated somebody, you wouldn’t make yourself live with him even if you needed that person’s presence badly. Do I make sense to you?”
Kyo nods and a few tears escape his eyes.
“Hey, there’s no need to cry.”
I wipe away the wet tracks with my hand and smile to him.
“You make me happy, Kyo, really. The only thing I lack is too little sex with you, but it’s not like I don’t get any at all! So I’m OK with that, I swear, Kyo!”
So what if there is some lie in what I tell him. I wouldn’t ever do anything differently. I wouldn’t ever tell him how badly my body craves for his when he can’t give all I want by choice. So I have to be fine with what I get from time to time.
And I have to be strong for both of us.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru…” Kyo chokes out and I hug him now, let him burry his face in my chest, let him finally let out all his frustration by crying in my shirt. I hold him while his body shakes in my arms, until he calms down.
“I’m sorry” Kyo whispers again, but this time his voice sounds stronger and calmer. “I don’t know what came over me. I don’t want you out of my house… our house… out of my life…”
“I know.”
Kyo wriggles out of my arms and looks me in the eyes.
“Kaoru, I do… I do love you” he whispers, looking me right in the eyes.
I feel my breath stuck in my throat, my mouth getting dry and raspy, my heart suddenly starting to beat in my chest like crazy.
“I want you to know that. Whatever I say, I do have this feeling for you, not only the need to have you to feel safe.”
I nod, showing I understand him, but right now I still can’t say anything to him.
“Perhaps if I never went missing, we never would have gotten together… Perhaps I would have told you I was sorry that I couldn’t respond to your feelings and hoped you’d get over me sooner. I never thought of you that way before…
But I got attached to you, needed you in order to survive, needed you like air. And now I just can’t imagine my life without you. I know it’s not nearly what you need and I’m really sorry for that. I wish I saw earlier what a wonderful person you are. I wish I fell in love with you back then.
But now it is what it is. I know you love me more than I do, and it makes me feel so guilty…”
“No, don’t ever feel bad because of that” I tell him. “Kyo, your feelings to me aren’t inferior, they aren’t weaker or less important. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t even bother giving a shit of how I feel. You wouldn’t defend me so fiercely against your parents. You wouldn’t feel bad for thinking you hurt me.”
“You’re wrong, Kaoru.”
“No I am not. And you know it.”
And the way I say it, it sounds final.
Kyo looks at me and smiles slightly.
“And I love you too, Kyo” I say and kiss him.
I’m glad it’s over. I’m glad he told me what thoughts he had and not just let them get rooted in his brain.
I’m glad he finally admitted out loud he loved me.
I’m so fucking happy right now.
“Why are you smiling?” Kyo asks.
“Because I love you, Kyo. I love you so much!”
“You’re just being silly. Who would want to love me anyway? I’m useless.”
“I hope nobody else would want to love you ‘cause now you’re mine. Useless or not, you’re all mine.”
And I’m so happy to see Kyo finally smiling at me. Or actually, he beams at me hearing my last remark and plants a kiss on my lips carefully.
Now I think we’ll need to see his doctor again, to get some pills from depression or something like that. Maybe to see the psychologist again.
But we’ll be fine. We already are fine. It’s just that the road to recovery is long. Too long. And perhaps it will never end.
We just have to learn to live with that.
TBC
I hope all of their conversations weren’t confusing. I think they would still have many issues, and Kyo would still have to deal with his insecurities, especially when for a moment he thought the kidnapper came back. And the sex part would definitely be a problem which would need time to be solved.
I’m not 100% happy with this chapter, but… I don’t know >_< I’m not so sure I made all the right decisions, but… Well, I hope it’s not too bad >_<
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White Nights