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Silence	By : kimbk Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Rammstein Views: 1909 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not know any members of Rammstein. This is purely a work of fiction: it does not intend to reflect any aspect of the members' lives and I do not make any profit from this work.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Author's Note: So here I am with the second installment in this long fic of mine. This chapter was not a huge bundle of laughs to write mainly because it's... erm, not too funny for one thing, and it's pretty heavy filler material. Even I'll acknowledge that. Filler is not fun to write for anyone.
The other members of the band are detailed here, although I've only really gone into much in-story characterization with Paul and Flake. I hope to have made Paul as hilarious as he is in real life. Flake... not sure, but I actually really like him and I really wanted that to show in the text.
Please don't flame me about Caron Bernstein. I will not ruthlessly demonize her as if she was the harpy from hell because she wasn't and isn't. Neither her nor Richard are saints in this fic (I must reiterate that this is a work of fiction), but everything has two sides, and I'm going to try to make both of them sympathetic. This is a Till/Richard fic, but the marriage did happen in real life and that needs respecting. If Caron or Richard come off as too much a villain in this, I will rectify it both here and the next chapter, because that is honestly not my intention at all.
Rammstein's songs will from now on be heavily referenced and played through in Richard's POV, but it's not going to verge on songfic standards. I hope you will enjoy this fic and if you liked it - please review! I've decided to make this fic a six-parter, so there are four more parts to come.
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Richard sits by himself by a windowsill in his house and grins at his own reflection on the glass. 'Sehnsucht' has been getting rave reviews from Germany and abroad, along with stirring up a fine load of controversy in the wake, and he couldn't be happier. That is exactly what the band revels in, not counting all the accusations about Nazism that they've gotten; those, they've all laughed off publicly. Perhaps they can respond to those so-called critics and their misaimed white supremacist fans in the next album, calling them out both for being so ignorant and close-minded. It'd certainly be very satisfying.
Nearly five years on, and the guitarist can't exactly believe their success even now. Fame has found them all so suddenly that they're still not sure how to react to it. But they've been managing well, not getting into too much trouble within their personal lives and still managing to be prominent and sensational. Just the right balance. Out of all six of them, none of them have lost their heads completely over the sudden wave of popularity and fame. It's working, the guitarist thinks, and every time he thinks that he feels pride for all of them swelling up inside him. They've worked together absolutely perfectly despite the (comparatively few) bumps in the road now and then. He wouldn't have managed it without his bandmates, they've been utterly fabulous. Richard is aware that this makes him sound like some gushing, immature member of a boy band and stifles a laugh. Next time an interview comes along, he might give his responses in that sort of style just for kicks.
Still, it is true, they have been fantastic to work with. He leans against the glass and lets his mind wander to all of them; might as well do that while he's waiting, it's better than smoking or drinking.
Olli is the first person that Richard got to join the project in its infancy, and he's always been a damn good sport about it for sure. For being the youngest member of the band, and not getting a very prominent spot onstage, he's gained a huge amount of respect. It might be something to do with his height; he towers over everyone in the band, making him just as imposing as the lead singer but in a different way altogether. Olli is a very slim man, wiry and almost entirely taut muscle, compared to the more bulky and solidly built Till. He's also a very quiet person, barely speaking even when just amongst the other band members, and Richard knows that this is because he can be rather shy sometimes. But within this silence resides a surprisingly soulful personality, and he sometimes goes and sits next to Till when he's writing, contributing occasional suggestions that are more often than not accepted and incorporated into the lyrics. The singer also prefers to have a bassline along with a new set of lyrics before he even reveals the contents of his notepad to others, so he and the bassist are very often found together, collaborating and sometimes laughing about the most minor things. Richard smiles and admits to himself that Olli is truly quite endearing. It's not surprising that he's very fond of him, considering at one point he, Olli and Schneider lived together and they were genuinely no strangers to each other even before any of this happened.
Schneider, along with the bassist, also joined up very early. Richard was admittedly quite nervous at first about his presence, knowing that he would replace Till as drummer, though it would be hyperbole to state that he was more nervous about the whole thing than Schneider himself was. Till was older than the man and even though they were acquainted and neither were at all malicious by nature, there could have been resentment involved. The first meeting between him and Till as members of Rammstein, however, went so well that Richard hasn't doubted their relationship since. The two still aren't quite as close as Olli is to Till, for example, and there is certainly a little bit of rivalry going on; but it was Till who approved the man's choice of nickname ('Doom') first and they consult each other most often when discussing sets. Logical, really - Till is at the very front and Schneider is at the very back, so between them they have the best overall point of view around the stage. Despite his apparent aloofness, he's settled in very well into the atmosphere of the band, being very attached to Paul in particular and putting in all he can for every performance. Certainly admirable. It was between him, Till, Richard and Olli that Rammstein was first created; but they wouldn't have been complete without two others.
Paul joined them surprisingly late; but he was enthusiastic about the band's potential after he had listened to their four demos. He's quite possibly the most cheerful man in the band, quite a contrast between the stoic Till or even his own persona on stage where he constantly maintains a deadpan stare. Richard also swears to himself that Paul can read minds somehow, he has a truly incredible ability to maintain balance between two or more people and ease tensions whenever they arise. He's the mediator of the six, being perhaps more in control of his emotions than any of them; it's not to say that he doesn't have his own share of problems in life, but he always manages to see the humour in it.
"Paul is a plain name," he'd stated over a few beers only a couple of weeks ago, in high spirits and chuckling about it. "plain as dirt. I sometimes wonder if I'd have been considered different and doubly fitting for Rammstein if I'd kept my old name! But no. I don't think I would ever go back to using that one. I'd have to be on the run for that, and even then it'd be a horrible idea."
"Not even if we promoted you to lead guitarist in celebration of your unique and original name?" Till had joked, winking at Richard and making all three of them burst into laughter.
"Not even if you demoted Risch," Paul had leant back while taking a swig from his stein, giggling. "what the hell kind of name is Heiko. Seriously."
But despite his stage persona and infamous dislike of his original name, he doesn't have a single bit of malice in him, and Richard is grateful that he is there for all of them. Nearly four years on and he is still bright and cheerful as ever with a worldview reminiscent of a young boy despite being almost as old as Till. No, Paul was never and still isn't any trouble.
Surprisingly, the bandmate that Richard's had the most problems with in the past is not Till but Christian Lorenz (preferred name Flake, seeing as he hates his birth name like almost everybody in the band). He's perhaps the strangest member of the band from appearance alone, being so tall and skinny and looking quite out of place with his keyboard amongst the rest. But the bottom line is that Rammstein's style would not have deviated from the common fare had it not been for Flake, and the man is so sophisticated and eloquent that one can't help but respect him. From the beginning, he kept on insisting that he didn't belong in their chosen genre of music, he was a keyboardist and what could someone like that contribute to a metal band, no matter how many times he tried to persuade the man that his ability was precisely why he was wanted. It took Till and Schneider taking Flake aside one night (in an early example of collaboration between the two), buying a few drinks between them, and later singing a few songs for the man to cave in and agree to joining the band. He and Till have struck up a special sort of friendship since then; they can't be physically any more different, but they share surprisingly similar outlooks in life and they sit together with Olli and discuss lyrics all the time. Flake always keeps on insisting that when he stops feeling like his contributions will mean anything, he will leave Rammstein; everyone always responds with the same thing, that there will be no more Rammstein if even one of them leaves, and hearing this always seems to please the keyboardist in a curious way.
It's in all those little ways that Till has done his part for Rammstein's chemistry. Richard didn't expect him to contribute half as much as he ended up contributing at this point - it's not even as if the man is particularly talkative or good with people, but it is he rather than anyone else who's doing the most to keep the band together, all the while not even actively trying. 'Team player' doesn't exactly describe Till, and neither does 'self-concerned'. Till is concerned with what benefits all six of them collectively the most at that precise moment in time, he is also immensely talented at judging those things, and that's really just the end of it. Richard might have put together the band in the first place, but the singer keeps it going as the frontman, and he's quite happy to acknowledge that. Richard is snapped out of his thoughts when a large black car drives up to his door, five men with instruments and amps in hand disembarking from it, and he rushes out to open the door and greet his bandmates with a smile. This is how things should be.
-----
Which, in turn, directs the subject to their live performances.
'Unconventional' and 'bizarre' don't even begin to cover it. With some of the ideas the singer comes up with, Richard wonders if Till ever stays awake for days on end just to devise those stunts in his head. Fire in its many forms is simply the beginning; everyone in the band has to be playing an instrument or singing into a mic that's on fire at least once, for every single performance. It's not a rule by any means, but by this point it's not a Rammstein show anymore if that doesn't happen. All of this is supervised mostly by Till, who's a licensed pyrotechnician now, and they all know enough about it to play around with it as much as they want on stage.
Richard loves it, being so close to the warmth, his vision blurring and distorted into beauty whenever he looks at the audience past their pyrotechnics. Everyone in the band has embraced this love of fire wholeheartedly, but none quite as readily as Till. who desires flames for the sensation of it tickling his skin, actually burning through the top layer of his flesh and giving him the most delectable high mixed with the pain. Finding out that the older man was a masochist for fire was one of the most enlightening and amusing moments of Richard's life. Sometimes one of them will catch Till repeatedly swiping a finger quickly through the lit flame of a candle and laughing almost childishly at himself, which is always worth a chuckle amongst them.
But even without fire, they've done some very off-the-wall things. This is where Flake comes in; it'd be an insult to leave him out of this particular discussion. For someone who appears to be uptight about so many things, when it comes to insane stunts he operates pretty much on the same wavelength as Till. It is usually him who gets the short end of the stick when it comes to their stage shows, but the singer always makes sure that he isn't offended by anything. But the list of what apparently doesn't offend Flake makes for an extremely surprising read: he's been crowd-sailing on a rubber boat dozens of times, has partaken in some bizarre dances onstage (which are actually the most dangerous stunts of all, because of everything else going on there), is usually pushed about by one or more of them - and to top it off, he's been kissed and faux-sodomized by Till. All without much complaining.
The kiss was an odd one, a one-time thing - they'd been playing a normal gig and weren't getting an overwhelming response, so Till had simply run up to Flake, grasped his face in both hands and had kissed him right on the lips. The crowd sufficiently excited by this, both of them had just gone right back to performing as if nothing had ever happened. Richard does feel a rather uncomfortable sensation coiling up deep inside him whenever he thinks of that kiss, even though the singer had apologized to Flake for it after the gig and was forgiven very easily in turn. He doesn't quite understand why it bothers him that much, but nothing has been said of it since from either one of them, and he's really not one to talk.
More importantly, their most infamous stunt takes place whenever they perform 'Bück Dich', and that goes right back to Flake and Till. A song with strong beats and very suggestive lyrics, very much in the style of Rammstein, but for a long time all of them had been completely stumped as to how to present the song onstage and make it interesting at the same time. They'd gone through many revisions and new additions during the planning of their 'Sehnsucht' tour, having one session after another, working things out a little more every time but never managing to come up with show-stopping ideas for that one song.
"Why don't..." Till had thrown up his hands, sinking back on his chair during one of those countless sessions. "I've got it. Why don't I just... pretend to sodomize the hell out of Flake with a dildo. It fits with the lyrics, no messing around with symbolism there. We've been thinking about this for weeks and I honestly can't think of anything better."
Paul's jaw had dropped at the suggestion, and Schneider in particular had looked shocked. But nothing could have prepared them for Flake's reaction.
"Sounds fun, actually," the keyboardist had said nonchalantly, rubbing his chin. "but that alone is probably just pure offensive and even plainly illegal depending on where we are. Why just have a dildo, when we can have one that... shoots a jet of liquid for three minutes straight? That probably puts it safely beyond offensive and makes it a performance, don't you agree?"
"We'll get to work," Till had responded (considerably perked up by this rare approval) and the two men had dismissed the meeting immediately afterwards, looking very pleased with themselves and completely ignoring the shock and bemusement on the others' faces. True to their word, the two had developed that idea to make it presentable, and thus another controversy was added to Rammstein's record.
The first few times, it had not gone too well because of the choice of liquid rather than anything else - milk had turned out to be a terrible choice because whilst in the hose and under stage lighting it proved to have too much of a persistent odor. "This is the worst idea you guys have ever had," Paul had cried backstage after one such incident, nearly in tears, having had full exposure to the odor for nearly two hours because of his stage position. "you're never doing that again unless you come up with something else. That was terrible. You're both terrible. You twisted bastards. How do you two even sleep at night."
Powdered milk was just as horrible, if not even worse, of an idea because it clogged up the hose completely. Finally Flake had decided on a mixture of anise liquor and water because it 'smelled far better' - a remark delivered in a dissonantly calm tone, but considering the infamy of the stunt (despite all their efforts, it even got Till and Flake both arrested while they were in the US), there was really no sense in questioning it by that point. None of this would have worked without Till and Flake's odd chemistry on the stage. It helps that the singer is an almost completely different person when he's performing live, glowering at the audience and aggressively stalking his way around the stage. He's a raw beast, wild, unrestrained, terrifying - and at the same time insanely alluring. The fans can't get enough of him.
But Till's true virtue is behind all of that. It's in the way that he reverts into the more down-to-earth, quiet Till backstage while still managing to entertain his fans. It's in the way that he ran forwards to save a section of the front row of the audience when a burning stage prop fell on them in 1996, all the while calling out (pretty calmly for the situation, too) for the rest of them to keep on playing. Richard thinks about how he'd rejoined them at the end of the song and had finished on an epic climax, and immediately proceeded to drop the macho facade and call out to the fans: "Alles da?" If not for that accident and Till's courage, they wouldn't be playing with fire so extensively in their concerts now.
Nevertheless, it still took Richard a major contest, having four professional demos recorded and making two full albums with Rammstein before he realized that Till has an amazing gift of stillness. Forget his stage persona, forget his arguably questionable sanity when it comes to their stunts, even his relationship to everyone else in the band. It is impossible to fully see the man that is Till with pictures and recordings of their gigs, interviews or backstage meetings with fans. No, Till is best represented when he is simply sitting by his desk, working on his poetry, a sight that Richard only seldom sees himself. The singer is ever so quiet in times like those, breaking his silence only to murmur something to himself or tap out the metre of a poem to test its flow - this is a silence comparable to his pre-Rammstein days, when he weaved baskets and communicated with his expressions and simple gestures more than speech.
Listening to Till's voice is a wonderful experience, but seeing the man so quiet and in harmony with his surroundings is a different kind of sublime altogether. There is somehow more beauty to his voice when he's been voluntarily withholding it for a while. Because he knows this, and no one else has quite realized yet, Richard is quite honored and he grows to near idolize the man deep inside his heart. The fans might see a ferocious sex god, the other four members of Rammstein might see a rather hilariously outlandish man, but for the guitarist Till is his highly-expressive, soulful and even quite sweet best friend and he wouldn't have it any other way.
Until 1999, this is how things are between them. But then Richard gets married to who he thinks is the answer to all of his problems, and Till ceases to approach him in response. He doesn't notice at first, but the lingering absence of the older man eventually gets to him; whilst unrelated to Till in general, it isn't very long before everything spirals out of control.
-----
It comes to him as naturally as anything at the start. His feelings for Till have been manifesting as simply appreciation and gratitude since 1994, for being by his side all those years - he still feels ecstatic whenever they're performing live and the older man touches him, or when he's writing a song and thanks Richard for his input, but he certainly doesn't think that it's anything more than that. If Till's feelings towards Richard are similar he shows it even less. So when Richard first meets Caron Bernstein he is convinced that she is the woman for him, and he falls very quickly into what he thinks is romantic love, desire with substance and reason. The wedding follows after months of serious dating - he even composes the music for it beforehand with a light heart and an utter conviction that this is what he's looking for. The downfall is even more cruel because his life is very smooth-sailing during the next couple of years, both in marriage and within the band. He simply never sees the storm coming.
The third album that any band produces is always the best that they will make. Unfortunately, the burn-out afterwards will also always be the roughest period that said band will ever experience. This is a very important lesson that the guitarist learns when they finish making 'Mutter', their third album and one that is far superior to their previous two. He doesn't recall 'Mutter' being a very difficult album to make, but the entire band has put so much soul into producing it, that by the time it's out they've barely got any more spirit left in them. This is where all their insecurities start showing through, where the cracks begin to appear on the surface. It is Flake who suggests that they should probably take a break from everything for a while after they're done touring, maybe for six months or a year and see what they feel like afterwards - his suggestion is still heavily underlined with his usual cynicism towards how long the band could potentially last, which does slightly irritate Richard, but there's really no denying that it's a sensible idea. They need to recharge their batteries, as such. In retrospective, it was very considerate of the keyboardist to come up with this suggestion before tensions boiled over; in some of the years to come, they aren't quite as lucky.
But Richard isn't really thinking of the future of Rammstein during their year off. Everyone else seems to be having a fairly good time, with Paul in particular spending time with family and travelling everywhere. They still occasionally arrange meetings and practice their songs but it's hardly a regular or a necessary thing; all six of them get to know each other as friends and real people all over again rather than focusing on their professional relationships within the band. At least, Richard would do so more often if he hadn't relocated to the United States with his wife. It's by no means a bad decision, he genuinely loves the country and he is fluent enough in English to live comfortably there, but he's barely three months into the hiatus when his relationship with Caron starts breaking apart without him having the slightest clue to why.
She becomes more and more suspicious of him, always accusing him of being out of the house too often. Richard tries to respond logically to this by telling her that this is honestly not the case, because he's taking the year off, but this doesn't seem to make her feel any better - rather, it seems to fuel her suspicions even more. At first he just tells himself that Caron must have been upset with him because he was gone so long. What wife wouldn't be? But the more it goes on, the more ridiculous it seems until he starts thinking that perhaps logic isn't his wife's strong point, as horribly misogynistic as that sounds. It's incredible, the kinds of things that Caron disapproves of. She doesn't like him cluttering the house with his guitars, she doesn't like him 'not being around for his daughter enough', and even though he's putting in the minimal amount of effort possible towards for the band to please her, it's not quite enough. But it's not until she starts passive-aggressively criticizing other members of the band itself that Richard starts actively losing his patience with her; what exactly Till's mohawk or the conversations he has with Paul about guitar stands over the phone has to do with their marital relationship, he has absolutely no idea. But he's provoked enough by it that he starts reacting out of pure spite before long, purposefully refusing to occupy the same room as Caron and shutting himself in the practice room for hours when he should be in bed with her.
None of this solves anything, but it makes him feel triumphant for a little while. It's a hollow pleasure. In return she starts leaving without so much as a word, returning without explanations hours or even a full day after. They haven't properly confronted each other on it, but it's a time bomb waiting to go off.
You didn't like how things were because I wasn't around half the time, but now that I am, you say that you don't like that either? Make up your goddamned mind, woman!
A proper fight breaks out one morning when he's meant to have Till and Schneider (both in vacation near the area) over at his house for a drink and some casual practice; Caron storms out of the house and he knows that she won't be back until perhaps the next day. All the better to greet his guests with, he thinks bitterly - he's gathered that she's very opposed to him bringing his work home, whatever sense that makes, and she's especially sensitive whenever he even talks about his bandmates. She spectacularly exploded when he'd informed her that a couple of them would actually be turning up on their doorstep. Now that she's made herself scarce, and Khira Li's at school, Richard has the entire house to himself. It's the ideal situation: his daughter certainly doesn't mind whenever anyone in the band comes over (she now calls Till 'uncle', and while the man's never commented on it, the way he kneels down to say hello to her and smile gives his feeling on the matter away) and they don't need to force themselves to keep on topic with Caron hovering over them like a hawk. It's all good. So why he's so utterly angered by the whole thing is beyond his understanding.
"When did you become so unhappy, you little bastard?" he whispers to himself. "when did you start hating your own wife so much?"
He is disturbed when he can't even begin to figure out an answer.
Till is the first to arrive at the house while the guitarist is busy mindlessly demonizing his wife and himself in turn. He immediately notices that something is wrong with the way that the younger man greets him, how he looks a little off somehow, despite the two not having seen other for a couple of months. In classic Till fashion he skips all the small talk and directly asks him why he 'looks as if he wants to stab something in the face' as Richard leads them both into where he keeps all his guitars, amps and music stands.
"Caron and I had a fight," the younger man says as he glares down at his guitar. The instrument needs tuning so he gets to work - he's still absolutely furious, and it shows in the aggressive way that he swipes his fingers across the strings. The dissonant untuned sounds that he's producing do not help his mood. "damned woman. Won't give me a break. Asking me why I'm away so much with the band, as if it wasn't obvious from the beginning that it would be like this! I wouldn't be so bothered about this if she didn't move onto you after that, though."
Till raises an eyebrow, looking up from examining a guitar. "She did?"
"She told me to get my priorities straight, basically. 'Till's just a singer in the band, that's all', she said - I don't even know why we're still together. I really don't, when she's so unsupportive of what I'm doing. She always wants to tear out my throat about everything."
Looking back on it, he's not sure what he hoped to gain from telling this story to the older man. But whatever he was expecting, it's certainly not a look of disapproval from Till. "You know, I sometimes think you're forgetting a vital component of married life, Risch. Don't you care?"
"About what?"
"Caron," Till says, irritated. "human being. You might not like her sometimes, Kruspe-Bernstein, but she is your wife and don't you think she deserves more respect? She could be the most annoying woman in the world but it's not as if she's trying to eat you alive, here. Caron needs to be listened to every now and then. Why not try that instead of just arguing? At this rate, it's not going to be the only fight that you'll get into with her."
Richard bristles at this remark. The older man is right, Caron is his wife and she deserves respect as such. Sure, she isn't quite the person he thought she was - she isn't Till - but the singer himself turned out to be quite different in the end as well. But nevertheless he'd thought perhaps Till might understand a bit more, considering how he's also been married before and how he's always been there for Richard. He certainly didn't foresee a stern telling-off. A part of him is impressed at the other's integrity and the other part just wants to shake him extremely hard by the shoulders and shout at him.
"But you aren't just a vocalist, Till," he shoots back. "you're more than that. Caron is a human being, yes, but you're one too," God forbid, a truly incredible human being indeed, he wants to say, but holds back on that part. The other proceeds to acknowledge this comment by ignoring it completely.
"You're missing the point. And it's not exactly as if she was wrong, Risch."
"But I don't like it when you say things like that! You're an actor - a poet - the frontman of Rammstein amongst all the other things you've done! What the hell is wrong with you?"
Till sighs and rubs his forehead. "This is really not something that you can solve by simply refusing to accept it," he says resignedly, and leaves the room without another word. Richard stares at his back as the door shuts, and at least shows the sense to put his guitar down before picking up an unfolded music stand and hurling it against the wall. It hits the wall with a loud clanging noise and crashes down to the floor, having become partially unfolded by the impact. Richard gives it a couple of kicks for good measure, unaware that he is actually snarling. How dare he, he screams in his mind as he sits back down on the chair, breathing hard and feeling rage and adrenaline coursing through his veins while trying to calm himself down. How dare he just walk out on me, and especially after acting as if my marital life was any of his goddamned business-
There's no point in getting himself even more worked up. It's enough that Caron's angered him that morning, and being hurt by Till being his bluntly-honest self isn't going to help. There really isn't much reason for him to be so riled up towards the singer anyway, he's just trying to give good advice, and besides Richard is sure that all this thumping and throwing random objects around the room isn't going to improve his opinion of the guitarist. So he takes a deep breath, forcing himself to exhale slowly, before picking up the music stand and setting it upright. He keeps breathing in and out slowly until he feels calm enough to move around a little more; he gets up, fetches a portable CD player/radio from the corner because it's the only thing in the room that he feels like he can handle without breaking it, and starts untangling the cords. While actually listening to something isn't the priority, the act of positioning it on the floor and plugging it into the wall socket makes him feel as if he's actually managed something productive, and that makes him feel a little better. He sits in front of it and gives it a small dust down, admiring his handiwork.
But there's no point in having a CD player that is plugged in and ready to use if he's not going to use it, is there? Richard checks to see if there's a CD in there, finding that there is: 'Herzeleid', their first album. Sure, why not. He pushes the tray back in and presses 'play'; he could let it play from the beginning, but the first track isn't quite doing it for him, so he skips through the songs mindlessly until he finds one that he feels like listening to.
"Be- wahret- "
Ah. Perfect.
Richard leans back, supporting himself with both arms, hands pressed flat against the floor. It's a fitting song for what he's going through, for sure. It's a pretty unusual song even for their standards, and not really the best song to perform at concerts, but he's always quite liked it. He taps his fingers to the rhythm, gazing rather blankly at the CD player as he loses himself in his thoughts.
"...vor- Herz- leid!"
Everyone had been going through a degree of heartache in the band when they'd first formed, so naturally they had all decided that their collective suffering would be worked into their first album. Hardly more morbid than the average band's first output, but with Till's unique perspective towards love and the rest of the band pitching in with their own experiences, the album became both a personal and publicly-appealing hit. It's a common phenomenon, certain bands all over the world thinking of their earlier efforts as immature and even disowning them in some cases, but they certainly aren't going to find shame in that one anytime soon. It was appropriate then, and it's certainly appropriate now, probably more than ever for the guitarist. Richard tells himself that he's not being very logical about Caron - it's really not as if he's the only one who has ever suffered some degree of woe in a marriage. Why is he victimizing himself?
"Denn- kurz- ist- die- Zeit-"
He thinks about all the misery she puts him through, but he doesn't often consider the pain he must be putting her through. And even though he thinks that it's terrible, what he's doing - somehow he's having genuine problems conciling that to himself. How can he feel so detached from what he's doing to his own wife?
"die- ihr- bei- sammen- seid!"
Richard chews on his lip, feeling strange. He's been married to Caron for more than a couple of years now, quite safely past the initial 'honeymoon' period where it had seemed like nothing would ever go wrong. Khira Li quite likes Caron, even though they will likely not progress beyond simply stepmother and stepdaughter (and that's a different convoluted story altogether), and that aspect of his life is still somewhat normal. Nevertheless, Richard tries to trace certain events back to where things started to go sour; he can't pinpoint it exactly, but her resentment seems to have stemmed from the beginning of their 'Mutter' tour. Just about the time where Richard began touring again with the band and would be absent from the house most of the time. It's all beginning to make some sort of sense, but the guitarist for the life of him can't comprehend why it took so long for her to realize this and why she started resenting him for it, when he made it very clear from the start that he couldn't exactly be a family man in the traditional sense of the word. Being a model, it wasn't as if she was in a superior position to begin with when it came to family matters.
"...sie- wie- Minuten- euch- Schei-nen...!"
He glances at the CD player, frowning. Quite honestly, it doesn't feel like mere minutes to him. Till claims that time spent with a true love would go by far too fast for anyone to bear; well, if that's the case, he certainly can't wait to feel like he's reached that stage for sure. Right now every second he spends with Caron feels like an agonizing eternity, and it's not long before one of them breaks the tension and hell breaks loose. The honeymoon period was good while it lasted, and it certainly lasted for a blissfully long time, but it's actually somewhat spectacular how things have fallen apart within a single year. Caron is hardly home nowadays, even though he took the year off to be with her and Khira Li, and whenever she's home it's not long before she or Richard leaves again. And he quite frankly can't wait for those times to come along so that he can be left in peace.
"Her-ze-leid!"
That is not a good thing.
"Her-ze-leid!"
Richard shudders and pushes away the thoughts in his head. He directs his attention towards the song instead, staunchly refusing to associate it with his own marital troubles and focusing on Till's voice. 'Herzeleid' is not the best track in the titular album, but he'd be damned if Till's vocals in it weren't some of his finest. Apart from the unusual style of the song - completely lacking an intro, instead launching straight into Till's aggressive vocals - it's also one that shows off the singer's grasp on the German language very well. His elocution is good, a near flawless theatrical German with magnificently rolled 'r's and 'ch's growled at the back of his throat. It's also a very straightforward song by Till's standards, with his intentions spelled out as clearly as anything in the lyrics. No fooling around with metaphors there (although metaphors certainly aren't a bad thing), just simple brutal honesty.
"...der- Zwei- sam- keit!"
How Till manages to be so fluid with words is anyone's guess. The guitarist manages a small smile at hearing his favourite word in the song; 'zweisamkeit', the counterpart to 'einsamkeit'. Two and one. 'Togetherness' and 'loneliness'. Very different things, but - as Richard will note, referring to his own situation - both just as misery-inducing as one another. Absolutely sublime. The man is a maestro. A six-feet-four-inches tall pyromaniac maestro who's most certainly a little crazy, revels in pain and gives completely unwanted yet incredibly sensible advice. Richard actually lets out a small chuckle at that.
The song is finished; Richard doesn't feel completely better, but at least it was cathartic. He keeps pressing 'next', but really he's more interested now in pondering whether he should continue tuning his guitar and maybe invite Till back in for an apology. He's also thinking about perhaps calling Caron after Till and Schneider leave, just to check when she's coming home and just to tell her that he still loves her very much. His contemplations are rudely interrupted when an intro of church bells suddenly start playing from the CD player; Richard flinches and hurriedly slams the 'eject' button before it can play any further, the room falling silent after the initial click of the CD tray popping loose.
It can't have played for longer than five seconds. But Richard was five seconds too late to shut it off; against his will, the song keeps going inside his head, playing out the tale of a deranged man and his deceased beloved. 'Heirate Mich' was always far more about Till's own heartache and rather disturbed thoughts about the whole situation than anything else, spun with a generous dose of gruesome, but Richard admittedly has never put too much thought into the meaning of the song. Rather, all he can think about now is how they used to perform it live, and how he'd always thought of it as their song; he doesn't need to look any further than 'Live Aus Berlin' to see their interaction during that song faithfully preserved there. Every performance he would go to Paul first - depending on the older guitarist's mood, he would either completely ignore the singer or show extreme affection for him. Till would then crawl over to Richard and snuggle against his waist while growling 'marry me!' into the mic, and Richard would always reciprocate by gleefully pulling him close and singing along with him.
It's all coming back to him. Richard clutches at his head, rubbing at his temples and trying to get a grip on himself, but it's easier said than done. He thinks back to when they had released the first video of their performances that would become 'Live Aus Berlin' - Till had simply found it utterly hilarious how it pretended that the performance of 'Bück Dich' had never existed, and for a long time that was all anyone in the band remembered it for. But when it came to editing the actual footage that they had shot, Richard had looked them over personally once, and when they got to the extended section of 'Heirate Mich' he'd peered in close - and (much to his surprise and pleasure) saw that while Till and he had been singing together, the singer had gained a truly blissful grin on his face afterwards. This discovery had filled him with much cheerfulness and he'd smiled for days afterwards, prompting the entire band to ask about it at some point (he'd always answer 'Nothing, I'm just happy, that's all!' and scoot away before he started grinning like a maniac all over again). But he'd also had the pleasant feeling throughout that period that Till had known perfectly why, and had informed him of this by throwing the guitarist secretive, mischievous glances every now and then.
But why had he been so happy in the first place? Hell, why had Till been so happy back that night in 1998? Even back then Richard hadn't asked himself those questions, so why they're all coming now, he has absolutely no idea. He wonders if Till's smile had just been an act for the stage and is surprised at how violently his mind rejects that thought, almost as if he's disturbed by the idea of Till's affection for him not being rooted in reality. Of course the singer cares for him, it'd be ridiculous to think otherwise, but at the same time it wouldn't be too far-fetched for that one little smile of Till's to have been an act. The older man's done much more sensational things onstage, it's genuinely not something worth being bothered about. He's done much more to Flake.
As much as Richard tells himself that, though, he is very much bothered. He's not at all soothed by the adjacent realization that he's reacting far more emotionally towards one single moment with Till than to his entire relationship with his wife, either. As he's trying to make sense of all this, there is the rustle of something sliding under the door. Richard gets up for a look, recognizing that it's a folded note with Till's handwriting spelling out his name. At this he inhales sharply, his mind suddenly filled with dread and racing with a myriad of possibilities; there's a voice shouting don't look, don't read it, you get rid of that thing right now in his head, but almost mechanically he reaches for it with trembling fingers and picks it up.
Schneider says that he will be a little late, but he'll be here by two o'clock. I'm going for a walk and some lunch and will return around the same time. I hope you will feel better soon.
PS: Remember that you and Caron are beyond just being 'together'. Be good to her so that it will last.
- Till
Just as he finishes the note, there is the click of the front door closing from outside. That's all it takes before Richard completely and utterly freaks out.
Of course he's aware that he's in a room with his prized guitars and other instruments that would cost hundreds and maybe thousands to replace if he broke them in a fit of rage. So he at least has the presence of mind to run outside and slam the door shut behind him, frantically rushing to the kitchen and grabbing himself a half-empty bottle of whiskey that he hurriedly downs and throws against the wall as his breakdown kicks in. It harmlessly bounces off the surface and comes to rest on the carpet, but he's beyond caring as he actually lets out a raw scream of pure horror and starts throwing whatever is at his reach across the kitchen. It's not an extended panic attack the way it happens in films, in the sense that he stops completely within a minute because his throat is raw from screaming, but his head is pounding so hard that he actually feels sick and faint and he needs to sit down. Richard sinks onto the floor and stares ahead with wild eyes; he's not even managed to break that many things, most of the objects that he's thrown having landed on the carpet or not being breakable in the first place. Two teaspoons and one of his sets of keys are amongst those objects, closest to his reach, and he numbly picks them up with shaking fingers and stares at them, lying on his palms. He's broken an expensive china mug that Caron likes, though, and has chipped the edge of a plate, but that's about it.
He was listening, a voice in Richard's mind screams. Till was just outside the door all along, listening to me listening to his voice. He's figured out everything, otherwise he wouldn't have left the house with such a note to show for it. He knows everything. He knows me. He knows.
Without really knowing what he is doing or what's going on, Richard hoists himself up on his feet and heads towards the large kitchen cabinet where he gets out a dustpan and brush. He cleans up the mess and shoves it into the bin; if Caron finds out about her broken mug, she'll have another round of ammunition to rile him with. Best to get rid of it and pretend he doesn't know a thing - at least, he thinks that until he realizes that she'll blame him anyway, with or without visible proof. Khira Li certainly didn't do it, for one, and that leaves only him as the possible culprit, because Caron most definitely left the mug on the table before she left. She might even start blaming Schneider or Till for it; it won't be the first time she's complained about them, It's really not as if she approves of either of them very much, and especially not the singer. Despite his breakdown, Richard still finds himself defensive at the thought - not Till, he wants to shout to her, don't start on Till, none of this is his fault, stop being such a hag. Then he's brought back down to earth, reminds himself that Caron hasn't done anything, and just decides that he'll confess to it when she comes home instead of letting things ever escalate to that point. Better he take the blame than the older man, because it was Richard's fault and it might be good for him to actually admit to being wrong for once.
Richard suddenly feels very tired. He looks at the clock; half past twelve. Another hour and a half before Till will come back with Schneider in tow. It's strange to think that it's still early noon, and that Till was in the house with him barely ten minutes ago; he feels a knot clench in his heart when he thinks of the singer and how he was driven out of the house less than an hour after arrival all because Richard couldn't keep his problems to himself. Why is he driving away everything good in his life?
He staggers to the bedroom and collapses on the bed that him and Caron share, letting out an exhausted groan. He buries his face into the pillows; they smell of his own faintly smoky scent, mingled with Caron's sweet light perfume. He used to find that perfume ever so pleasant, but he can't feel anything for it now. No, all he can think about is that one memory, a long time ago, when he had spent a night at Till's house - the latter had been weaving a basket just for him, and they'd managed to have a little heart-to-heart, eventually falling asleep together on the couch. He remembers being pressed against the other's chest, inhaling his warm, slightly dusty musk, which had been such an unexpectedly comforting scent that Richard could imagine it for days afterward. Even now he can close his eyes and recreate it in his mind if he focuses hard enough. Memories flood his mind yet again, and by this point Richard is so disheartened that he just lies there and lets it happen. He remembers how their hands brushed, just for that one moment, when Till had handed over that basket. How Olli and Till went out for a spontaneous photo trip one day, and had returned drunk and giggling with rolls of film depicting nothing much in particular. How he had helped the singer edit some of his lyrics, dozens of times, whether they were used for songs or not - because the older man would give him nods of approval and sometimes comment on a literary technique or two, keeping their conversations interesting.
How Till had gazed at him in his suit with a vacant and almost sad expression at his wedding, and yet had sincerely wished him and Caron happiness, making an eloquent speech and toasting them. How, since after their wedding, Till has been avoiding him onstage in favour of Paul or Flake. This is true - the band no longer performs their song live anymore, with the only comment on it being that they can't have a redundant setlist. Fair enough, but this means that Till no longer nuzzles into Richard's waist nor sings with him into the same mic. But he's become more fond of 'torturing' Flake for sure, just randomly slapping him around or seemingly abusing him in the middle of songs - this really just translates to the keyboardist getting more of Till's attention, especially seeing as the two laugh it off after every performance and the singer never goes beyond what Flake can tolerate. Even Olli probably gets more interaction with the older man when they perform live. Suddenly the image of Till kissing Flake rises too clearly in his mind for comfort, and it is with considerable effort that he pushes it away. Richard knows that he might just be extrapolating things, but whatever all of this means, he feels utterly abandoned and that's one thing he's certain of. He and Till have crossed over at the wrong time and place - the older man was closest to him when Richard was at the position to appreciate it the least, and now the reversal has happened. Now it's the singer who thinks it courtesy to leave him alone in his bitterness while he thinks of the other's lyrics and how they suddenly seem to have been written to specially address his situation.
Was Till attempting to communicate with him through his songs for all of those years?
'Heirate mich...'
Richard feels as if he's about to start crying, but he's far too old to do so and expect it to get him anywhere. He tries to muster up the tears anyway, hoping that the act itself might calm him down a little, but the tears have dried up a long time ago. Meanwhile the knot in his chest tightens further, Till's haunting vocals echoing in his mind, driving him insane with guilt and hurt and desperation. So the guitarist does the next thing he can think of, and buries his face into his hands, digging his fingers into the skin while letting out a frustrated, tearless sob and wishing that he were dead.
You've been wrong about everything all this time.
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