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The Moon	By : theProphet Category: Dir en grey > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 1373 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I don't know Dir en grey and make no money from this.

Chapter List
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~ ~ ~ 24 hours ~ ~ ~

I step out of the gate and squint my eyes from the bright sun. The next second somebody grabs me and hugs me tightly and I can hear my mother sobbing in my half-deaf ear.
“My baby… Tooru…”
I hug her back half-heartedly.
It’s not that I’m not happy to see her. It’s just that it’s too hard. It’s too hard to see her so devastated, to see my farther tearing up, though trying not to show that, my little sister completely scared and sad, looking as if she was escorting me to my own funeral.
Which in a way was exactly just that.
I had my 24 hours to say goodbyes. Which, if anyone asked me, was a cruel way to torture.
After all, they said ‘to say goodbye to your family’, not ‘part until the next time you see them’.
Because I most probably won’t be seeing them ever again.

~ ~ ~ 22 hours and 48 minutes ~ ~ ~

Looking at the things in my house makes me as lost as never before.
They said I can take a few things. But what the hell should I take? What might I want to have with me for the next four years? My CDs? My poem books? My porn magazines? My clothes? My expensive furniture?
All I can think of is photos. I take out most recent photo album and select a few photos of my parents and sister, then a few of my closest friends. Of course, Daisuke is amongst them - I take some of my favorite photos with him and then a pile of pictures with my band members. And with him amongst everyone else…
My eyes fall upon a thick black leather notebook lying on the table. I got it as a birthday present from him. It’s still blank, I didn’t have the heart to write in it. I take the notebook in my hands and touch the crumbly surface with my fingers. For a moment I just freeze, thinking about the moment he handed this to me, smiling sincerely and wishing me all the best.
Who knew that just in a few months all the best would turn out to be the possible worst ever…
I gulp the sickly tasting lump in my throat and blink, willing the tears away.
I can’t think of anything else to take. I don’t need any things. I would gladly give the entire house with all the shit inside it away in exchange for my freedom.
I sigh deeply and my hand with the notebook in it falls down to my side.
The only thing that I know for sure after these two months is that my participation in the program is unquestionable. The Emperor’s secretary took his time to talk to each of the future crew members individually and he didn’t beat about the bush. Any my unwillingness in any form will result in severe consequences for my family and even closest friends.
He didn’t hide the fact that me being chosen was no accident. They needed a well known public figure, but the one who wouldn’t be widely loved like sweet and lovable Miyavi. They needed somebody known, but not really loved by the entire nation, somebody who would be a good example that not even the celebrities could escape the Emperor’s will. Everyone was obliged to surrender to the will of the Emperor – whether a beggar or a rock star, there was no difference.
And just on the whim of a bitch fate, I happened to be the one of the celebrities they chose for the ‘lottery’.
I take the photos scattered on the table and put them inside the notebook carefully.
For a moment I try to think of what else I could take, but I just really don’t care.
There is just one more thing though…
I go to my bed and open the drawer of the table. Inside it, under a pile of some tissues lies a photo of him naked, with his hands lifted, drying his hair with a small white towel.
I took this photo with my cell after a show, when we were sharing the hotel room and he was too tired after the numerous shows and drunk from the after-party. He just didn’t care that I was in the same room or simply didn’t even notice me in his drunken state. I hesitated just for a second, then quickly took out my cell and while he was still standing and tiredly scrubbing at his hair, his back turned to me, I took a picture.
I spent many nights after that looking at it and fantasizing about him, masturbating while watching the picture. It was just him from the back, but it was as close as I could get to his naked body.
I look at the picture that is so private and should belong only to me. If I want to have it with myself, I will have to show them. Not even piss in my urethra will be left unchecked before boarding. There is nothing private for me anymore.
I put the picture amongst all others and grasp the notebook in my hand.
The house feels empty and cold, but I still feel numbing pain just thinking of never coming back here.
Two months was all it took for me to understand my situation fully and to accept it.
As much as I hated it, as much as I wanted to scream and claw my way back home, beating unconscious anyone who stood in my way, I knew there was no way back for me. As much as I wanted it to be a fucked up terrible nightmare, I was going to live in it for the rest of the time I still got left.
And from what I got to know, I don’t have that much time left.
Unless I get lucky and stubborn and my body will be able to endure all of the work that will be thrust upon me, and my mind will be able to cope with loneliness and complete isolation from any living beings.
Soon after they took me in and the training started, I just shut out any thoughts about my situation and any feelings. They were not helping me and I will still have to do it. So all I could do was just to pick myself up and go through it. If not for my sake, then for the wellbeing of my family and friends. Because not only my life was at risk at this point.
But coming back home made the zombie-like person that I have become come back to life and feel again.
And the only thing I feel now is that I don’t want to do that. I want to stay home. Desperately.
I feel weak in my legs suddenly and sit down.
Pictures of the plans of the station rise in front of my eyes, narrow and dirty tunnels and pipes, unstable, hot and unreliable. Easy to get blocked, hard to clean. Rocky pale surface of the Moon, cold and uninhabited, deadly dangerous, but profitable to my country and the Emperor. And endless lonely hours.
I have made my peace with what is happening, because I have no other choice. But it still hurts so much even thinking about it. I’ve never felt so much pain in my chest, such strong pain that it would even stop me breathing for precious long seconds.
For the past two months I have absorbed the information, undergone the training, obediently did all I was ordered mindlessly, as if my mind was detached from my body. As if all of that was happening was just a bad dream and I would soon wake up from it. It was the only way I could deal with that.
But now I just can’t fool myself anymore. The time has almost run out. The last hours on Earth are ticking by too quickly.
I take in a shuddering breath and force myself to stand.
My parents and my sister are waiting for me in the living room with a lawyer. I have to sign my testament just in case. The rest of the things will be taken care of for me.
After that…
I guess I will try to enjoy the last precious hours left with my family.

~ ~ ~ 14 hours and 18 minutes ~ ~ ~

My mother does her best to try and convince me and everyone else that all is going to be fine and I will be coming back home in four years. She even manages to force out a sincere smile when I say to her that I will be given the opportunity to receive a video call once a month from one person.
I know she will be the first I’ll see up there.
My sister doesn’t leave my side for a moment.
It’s getting harder and harder to make peace with my fate.
The less hours are left for me, the more I want to stay.
I want to stay home so badly…

~ ~ ~ 4 hours and 2 minutes ~ ~ ~

Of the three of my best mates, Daisuke was the one who openly cried for me as if seeing me for the last time. And I was the one who tried to laugh it off and say ‘but we’ll be seeing each other in four years’ time’. Of course, he didn’t buy it. My lie was written all over my face.
He hugged me tightly and with all my body I felt a desperate need to stay. I was leaving behind too much.
No, actually, I was leaving behind everything I had, apart from a handful of photos and one notebook.
I don’t feel I deserve this cruel torture.
I didn’t do anything to deserve it.

~ ~ ~ 2 hours and 43 minutes ~ ~ ~

The moment I saw them, my eyes fell on him for longer than on the rest of my band mates. They all looked distressed, holding back their true emotions.
Toshiya was the first one to break the spell. He ran up to me and hugged me tightly. I was even surprised by how much his whole body screamed of pain he was feeling.
But I didn’t have time to comfort him or anyone else.
My eyes fell only on Kaoru.
“Can we talk for a minute?” I asked him silently, but in the emptiness of the studio my voice sounded harsh, raspy and loud.
Kaoru startled for a second and looked at me surprised, but nodded. I walked in another room and he followed, closing the door behind us. He looked questioningly at me and I faltered for a second.
But this was no win situation. I just couldn’t leave without telling him, without letting him know, without giving it a chance, because later I most probably won’t have another one.
I closed the distance between us and looked him in the eyes. He has a kind face. He might be goofy and playful if he wanted, but serious and reliable as well. I loved him for so many things. He was the first one I fell in love with.
“Kaoru…”
I looked him in the eyes, probably naively trying to see the same feelings for me in his eyes. But his eyes were only full of sorrow.
“Kaoru, I’m in love with you.”
I say it for the first time in my life out loud. And to him on top of that.
“I’ve been in love with you for too long… and I…”
The shock and disbelief on his face doesn’t make it easier for me to do this.
“It hurts so much to know I won’t be seeing you again… for so long…”
Kaoru still keeps starring at me, dumbstruck, but finally some color gradually comes back to his face.
“I wanted to tell you that, because… because I might not have another chance to do that… ever…”
I feel my voice cracking up finally and I just lower my head. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t fight for myself anymore. I don’t see any point in that.
I turn to leave, but Kaoru as if only now recovering from shock, grabs my arm and stops me. He then pushes me in his arms and hugs me.
I feel my whole body relax, my legs finally give in and I slump on the ground heavily. Only because Kaoru has a hold on me I don’t just fall down. He sits down with me on the ground as well still hugging me tightly. I put my head on his chest and stare at the wall in front of me.
All I can feel now is pain.
“I love you so much, Kaoru…” my lips barely move, a tear runs down my cheek, but he keeps holding me in his arms.
“Kyo” he finally says, his voice shaky. “I’ll be waiting for you, I promise.”
I wriggle in his arms and turn to look him in the face. He looks deeply saddened and distressed.
“You will?” I ask.
“Yes” he nods.
“I love you” I whisper.
“I love you too, Kyo.”
He lowers his head and kisses me on the lips gently. It feels so wonderful, but the kiss is short-lived. Kaoru kisses me ever so gently and draws back.
“I will be waiting, so don’t you ever give up. Promise me you will come back home. Promise!”
I nod.
“No, say it, Kyo. Promise me!”
“I promise.”
And I’ll give anything to keep this promise.
There’s nothing more I want now.
~ ~ ~ 37 minutes ~ ~ ~

We walk side by side at the beach, listening to the waves.
My mother keeps holding my hand in hers, not letting go. My farther keeps glancing at me every other second. My little sis just keeps silent. Even though she is scared, she believes most strongly than anyone else that I’ll be coming back.
And now there is one more person believing I will.
Kaoru.
Why is it only just now that I got to know about your feelings to me? We lost so much precious time…
I feel the heavy notebook in the pocket of my jacket with your picture in it.
Even if I’ll be forced to hand it over to the officer in charge, it will be worth it. I’m sorry, Kaoru, that people will see that picture, but I need it with me.
I look at the sky above, at the moon, looming over my head.
When the Emperor became one and only unquestionable power in Japan I didn’t care and I wasn’t even aware of the changes - they didn’t happen over night – and I was too young to understand anything or to even care.
But at some point, slowly, the absolute power of the Emperor became unquestionable. People who thought otherwise didn’t live a long and happy life. In other words, they didn’t live that long after protesting at all.
When men were started to be selected nationwide for the position in the Moon station and announced publicly on the evening news every four years, I didn’t really care. I never felt at risk.
I guess I was just that ignorant.
That, perhaps, was my only mistake.
But even if I knew what absolute power the Emperor held in his hands, I was nothing compared to him. I could have never bought my way out of this position that I’m in now. And I have nothing else to offer.
Only my body as a work force on the Moon.
Only my whole life.

~ ~ ~ 0 minutes ~ ~ ~

I take a few steps and climb inside the car.
I take the last look at my parents and my sister.
A last quick look at the sea.
Then they shut the door and start the engine.
And I am finally taken away from everything I have.
My lips contort into a grimace while I try to force them closed into thin line, biting the inside of the lower lip.
I’ve never felt this lonely and helpless in my whole life.
And this scared.

TBC

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The Moon