If I Never Knew You

The first day with the Pythons was a lot of fun. There were some disagreements, but she kept quiet and just sat in awe of the others, with John stating, “You’re awfully quiet, that’s not like you.” She had to recover quickly and said, “Still a little out of sorts, you guys can handle it,” and it was enough to appease John. In her other life, when she did community theater, she developed much of her direction on her own, which the director loved. She did most of her writing for the comedy troupe she had. No doubt, if she had been in Monty Python all along, she would have fought with them just like they did amongst themselves, but right now, she just wanted to absorb it all.

            At the pub, everyone was chatting happily. Then she saw Graham order his 3^rd drink. She knows his alcoholism was a problem, and at this point, nobody else knew yet, but in her later years in life, with all she was dealing with, she was a textbook problem drinker. Not quite an alcoholic, but she was getting damn close to it. But there were nights when she was lying in bed drunk, watching Monty Python videos. She often wished she could have a drink with Graham; it was the only reason she started drinking gin. Graham's drink of choice. She was a casual margarita girl. She figures she will try to slow down and will help Graham, too, but tonight wasn’t that night. She perks up and says, “Hey Graham, let’s have a drinking contest.” “What would I get if I win?” “I’ll clean your house for a week.” Honestly, she probably does that anyway, despite hating to clean, because it is Graham Chapman. “That is a deal I will take, madam. Let’s go.” She finished her drink to tie with Graham, and they both started on a 3rd drink together, then a 4th, then a 5th, and that was it. Graham won by 2 drinks, and he didn’t need 2 more.

            Graham wasn’t done; he got up, drunk, grabbed her hand, and started singing "Auld Lang Syne." For all Graham knew, it was New Year's Eve. She already felt dizzy, but it was Graham Chapman, she didn’t want to lose this moment, it beats when she drinks alone in bed, weeping to a rewatch of his memorial service. She started singing just as loud, “For all acquaintance um…AULD LAND SYNE!” They twisted and spun, and she fell on top of him. She drunkenly said, “Oh, why didn’t I wish to come back as a man?” Then she froze. She was the only one who knew she was placed in this time period, that she wasn’t from this world. How was she going to explain what she just said? But Graham said, “I wish you were too, pray tonight maybe you will grow a large schlong and you come to my flat.” “What about David?” “Let him join.” Right, she thought, he’s drunk. She could tell him anything. Terry Jones picked her up. “Come on, love, I think you need to call it a night.” “But I wanna stay with Graham.” “I think he needs to call it a night, but John can handle him; let me get you home.” She said in a baby voice, she forgot she does that when drunk, “No, I stay with Graham!”

            Graham snapped, “Let her stay!” Terry seemed upset, “Fine, she can stay over with you, but she really shouldn’t drink anymore. You got that doctor!” “Fine, we’ll eat salami.” She secretly hoped that wasn’t a euphemism; maybe he is the type of drunk that will sleep with anybody while he’s drunk, but she’s pretty sure David would put a stop to it. According to Graham's autobiography, he seems to have slept with other people while on the road. But no notes on whether they were an open couple or if they ever had liaisons at his house. She decided if that were a possibility, she'd better do her best to say no.

            At Grahams, they drunkenly played charades, fucking up the game; only David could play competently. He was a sweetheart, and she was happy Graham had someone so wonderful to look out for him and to quickly grab a trash can whenever he thought Graham was going to throw up. Tomorrow, she was going to hunt for some dominoes so she could one day play him and beat him. Graham smiled at her, and her heart fluttered. Gay or not, he is such a handsome man. He drunkenly asked, “Are your tits real? I always wanted to ask!” David snapped at Graham, but she laughed it off. “Very real, it’s the bra pushing them up; if they weren’t real, I wouldn’t choose slightly saggy.” “NO BRA!” Graham tried to take it off, but David restrained him. She didn’t want to disappoint, so she undid it herself. “Now,” Graham said, “Throw it over the balcony! Be liberated!” She did as told, and Graham followed eagerly to watch. She gave the best drunk toss she could muster, and it fell on the head of a man. “Oh shit!” She gasped, and both ducked. She peeked over, and he was gone. “He’s gone.” Graham grabbed her hand and ran inside before stumbling, laughing wildly. “That was fucking brilliant.” She was so happy that she made Graham laugh.

            She was so happy at his home, all she had was her mother's shrill voice scolding her for getting drunk; she used to long for a drunk buddy. After a while, her friends stopped taking her drunk calls, but there was Graham, being everything she would want on a drunk night. They were interrupted by a phone call. David seemed annoyed, “whose bloody calling at this hour?” He went to the phone and, after pleasantries, said, “Yes, she’s fine, she’s throwing her bra at strangers, but she’s fine, what? Calm down, no Graham tried…my god, will you calm down. Alright, Alright.” “Patricia, it’s Terry he wants to speak to you.” “Gilliam or Jones.” “Right, Jones.” She, with very wobbly steps, made it over to the phone. “WHAT?!” “Don’t what me, I’m worried if Graham is treating you right.” “We are playing charades.” “And how did you lose the bra?” “Oh, Graham tried to take it off.” “What, why?! Don’t tell me when he’s drunk, he likes women.” “No, I think he was just trying to be a menace, but I can do it on my own, and I threw on a man's head.” “Love, you can’t act that way. What if you got in trouble for indecency or littering?” She started to get upset, “Come on, you’re ruining the moment.” “I’m worried about you. I never saw you this drunk, and Graham isn’t the best caretaker. Do you need me to come get you?” “No, I-“ just then Graham grabbed the phone and hung up, then took it off the hook, “party pooper.”

            She felt bad for Terry but couldn’t help but laugh. Graham, slurring his words, said, “I need to sleep!” “You both do.”  Said David, she seized a chance, “Can I sleep in bed with Graham…" Pwease,” The baby voice was back. David didn’t put up a fuss, as there was no real threat, and it would probably be best if she weren’t on a couch she could easily roll off of. He helped her to bed and lay her next to Graham.

            He drunkenly put an arm around her. She never wanted to break this embrace and just pretended for a moment he wasn’t gay and that this was something more. She looked at him with his eyes closed; he seemed so peaceful, and she teared up. She stroked his cheek, so soft. She gave him a small kiss on the lips, and he giggled. She breathed deeply and repeated quietly to herself, “gay, gay, gay.” She thought she would try something else. “Hey Graham.” “Yup.” Even though it didn’t matter, given his state, she thought it best to lie. “Sometimes I have vivid dreams, and some come true. I dreamt you would die young from cancer. Look, we both should slow down on the drinking, but really we should slow down on the smoking too.” In her past life, she started smoking from a pipe because of Graham; she was already a smoker, but got one to listen to his autobiography and calls it her “Graham Chapman.” She starts to tear up, “The dream was so vivid, like I was living a whole life where the world lost you, I don’t want to feel that again, please Graham, don’t die.” Graham, in a sultry voice, says, “I won’t.” He heard her, but there was a seriousness in his voice, as if he understood, but she also knew, per his autobiography, that he was more likely to forget this conversation. Then Graham kissed her forehead. His kisses are so soft, and he quietly said, “I promise.” She couldn’t help but cry. She put her arm around him and buried her face in his chest. She had no idea how she could save him, but she made a vow she would at all costs.

            The next day, they both, very hungover, got lectured by surly John and Eric, and they went through torture trying to act out sketches. But she smiled at him during one of them, and he winked at her.