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Dangerous Play	By : scarecrowslady Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > D Views: 2474 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction. Ergo: not real or factual. I do not know D (or any other jrock band) and I am not gaining profit from this!

Chapter List
- 19
- 20
Thanks to Asp for the lyrics. This is fanfiction, not real, for free enjoyment!
Well, here it is, the completion of something that took me way to long to be legal, but that's life for you. I've had to do some growing up myself as I enter my career work in earnest. (For those interested, teaching English overseas.) As such, such beauties as this, were left on the wayside, but now that I got a staycation this year, I was able to enjoy some free time finishing an original novel and this work. I hope you enjoy the ending, such as it is. It's been a real journey for Asagi in this story. I hope that all of you enjoyed this peek into a life of redemption.

Chapter 20: Where You Belong

“Say, all you little fellows Don´t you know where you belong,

Come down here in my cellar, Dance with me and join my song.”
The days stretched into weeks and then months. The summer days trickled as slowly as a dried up fountain - the minutes and hours passing by, bearing new responsibilities and challenges and joys. Bright in the sky, the sun filtered down through the green leaves on the trees, the warm air slightly humid buzzed with the violins of cicadas and the high piccolo of crickets. It was a time of growth and enchantment.
Asagi's warm summer days passed making phone calls, writing and composing songs, organizing the set lists, the MCing, the studio reservations, the strategic marketing planning sessions and the slowly increasing opportunities to perform. As the year passed on, D's popularity grew inch by inch, fan by fan – as the band members worked hard, struggling to carve out a niche in the constantly shifting market. Visual kei was not the most popular industry in Japan – but it was unique, it was indefinable. It was change.
He understood that – even as he prayed that their family would stay together. It made him feel like a pot calling a kettle black, when he gently pulled a bottle - out of Sin's grip, or took Ruiza home early before the small young man drunk himself into a coma. He could feel it in those moments – a sense of just barely managing to stay in control of a wave that was too powerful to comprehend. A tenuous grasp on reality as it was – minute by minute – it morphed into something else.
Who was he?
Staring at himself in the mirror, fiddling with the edges of his costume, looking over his lyrics sheets, Asagi wondered what was really there. The mirror before him showed a thin, white-faced Asian male trying to pass off as an androgynous being. His red contacts glittered unnaturally.
Who was he?
To his fans, he was their gorgeous idol. To his band-mates, a friend and confidante. A hard-working coworker. To his reverend, the irregular parishioner. To his children, Mie and Donna, a loving father. He hoped. Just thinking of his cats, yet alone for a week, Asagi wondered if his pets were lonely. They had been with him through thick and thin – constant, uncritical friends.
Was the cat-sitter doing her job? At least, I'll know tonight, Asagi thought with a small smile. Tonight, I'll be able to go home, put up my feet and maybe watch a film. Tomorrow morning, once I get the cats, we'll be able to have a nice relaxing time together... That would be nice... He glanced to his right where Ruiza was getting up from his pre-performance stretches to start on his last cigarette. One too many, Asagi thought with a sigh.
Later that evening, as they struggled out of their tight outfits, grabbed a quick shower and staggered home, Asagi felt a moment of true content. Even though he knew that his band mates were probably going to go out on the city - or even worse, sit alone with the bottle.
"Ruiza," he said.
The blond turned and looked back at his friend in surprise.
"Hm?"

"What are you doing tonight?" Asagi asked.

"Dunno," Ruiza shrugged. "Not sure yet. You?"

"I guess I was going to head home..."
Awkward pause.
"Have fun with that," Ruiza smiled quickly before turning away.
Rena was waiting at the door with a quick smile - not quite a leer plastered over his face. He nudged the shorter guitarist and laughed.
"Hey - you should've invited him - he might have been angling for some alone time!"

"In your dreams," Ruiza snorted. "Let's go. Sin, you coming?"
Asagi brushed past Rena, ignoring the light squeeze on his arm. With Rena around, getting Ruiza by himself was rather difficult. And judging by the invitation in Rena's eyes sometimes, Asagi knew that there was one road he wasn't willing to travel down. Deep in thought, the vocalist nearly ran over Sin who was lounging outside, obviously waiting for him.
"Hey."

"You aren't with Ruiza?" asked Asagi.

"Will be soon."

"Ah."

"Which is what I wanted to talk about..."

"Hm?"

"I was talking with family the other day..." Sin paused.
Asagi's head jerked up at the serious tone which Sin rarely used. After a moment, he motioned to a iron and wood bench nearby. The two sat down – Sin staring blankly forward - Asagi staring at Sin. Between them the silences was filled by a few lone crickets chirping in the neatly clipped hedges which lined a nearby park.
"Something happened..."

"No... well... maybe yes - I don't know - it's just that - I have to go back home for a while."

"So you need time off?" asked Asagi.

"I don't know. There're some things I need to work out - not just family. This business - it gets to you... You know what I mean."

"Yeah..."
Asagi leaned back and for a moment wondered when he too would be able to face his family - to return back to the small town which he had grown up in. Overlooking the sea, nestled in the mountains - he could see the familiar streets in his minds eye - his mother at the door - his father sitting inside, reading a newspaper or glaring at the TV...
Father...
"So... I gotta go," Sin finally said. "Soon."

"I will be sorry to see you go - your place will be difficult to fill."

"Not really. There'll always be someone else."

"That – Sin - I was glad to have you in our band - and to see you leave will be hard..."

"Yeah..." Sin shifted. "It's gonna be tough on Rui-chan. You'll look after him, won't you?"

"As much as I can," Asagi nodded.

"He's kinda... I don't know... dealing with things - and it's going rough... and I know that you are in a difficult position and all - but..."

"I'll keep both eyes on him," Asagi promised. After a moment. "So what's next for you?"

"A trip back to my home town... and then... well... we'll see. I may never be able to come back again. I don't know. Depends on what kind of projects will be available."
Asagi nodded, suddenly feeling like all energy had been leeched out of him. What had his thoughts been about change... something good, something bad... Something that is and cannot be predicted - but we can only struggle on to overcome what comes our way. Like a tidal wave... picking up the pieces... We're going to have to start looking for a new crew member right away. Thank goodness Rena can hang around for a while at least... unless he does something stupid...
The next morning, as he picked up his cats from the cat-sitter, the vocalist still considered the whole problem. He had called a meeting for later on in the day, which everyone had promised to show up for. Letting the cats out of the carrier once he arrived home at the quiet apartment, Asagi sat down on the ground and scratched behind his pets' ears. The silent room filled with the faint purr-purring, after a few seconds.
"Mie... what are we going to do, huh?" he asked the cat.
Mie looked at him with the gravity of homeless man. Asagi couldn't help but smile. This cat definitely had character - just looking at Mie could cheer him up. Mie always seemed to say, "Hey, buddy, just take it all easy, y'know?"

Donna mewled, nudging his elbow and he turned to his other child and chuckled. Looking into Donna's eyes always made Asagi feel loved. There was an endearing quality about Donna's mew – it reminded him of himself. A sensitive man who understood the meaning of abuse... A survivor who basked in each glorious moments of love and freedom.
“Do I look like I have four arms, Donna? Here...” Asagi began to scratch both purring cats slowly, deep in thought. “I guess things are going to be okay, as long as we stick together..." Asagi sighed. "Why can't we stick together forever? Why do people have to leave...."
Mie placing his paws on Asagi's thighs leaned up to nuzzle his hand. Asagi's fingers had to work double-time.
"You guys are getting greedy," he chuckled. "What if you guys get a new sibling? What then? I won't have both hands free all the time, you know." He glanced at the time and rose. "Have to go now, Mie, Donna. But I'll be back. No worries."
Dark eyes seemed to follow him accusingly.
"Promise," Asagi smiled. "I'm not going to leave you so easily..."
Too bad, he thought, it couldn't be the same for others.

-0-0-0-
"You're leaving?" Ruiza's eyes widened incredulously. "But - we just only started - we could -"

"I'm sorry, Ruiza," sighed Sin. "It got complicated back home - you know how it is with my younger brother... I'm not too happy either..."

"This is shit!"

"Ruiza, I'm sure Sin has very good reasons - family is family, after all."

"Huh..." Rena shrugged. "Family is family - sure - but now we gotta get someone to replace Sin - and that's not easy. He's a talented guy."

"I'm sure there are others out there," Sin shook his head.

"We'll look - we will find the right one," Hiroki agreed slowly. "But we can still be sad that you are leaving."

"My thoughts exactly," Asagi agreed. "But we have to understand that Sin has to make this decision... and we will wish him the best, right, Ruiza?"
The blond nodded slowly, but Asagi could see that this news was hitting the short guitarist a little harder than he thought. I guess they had bonded to a certain extent over the bottle, he mused. And the singing. In the end, they probably had a shared anxiety over my problems and now... Ruiza will have to realize he used Sin as a crutch... in a subconscious kind of way...and I am not sure if I can fill the place he wants me to fill...
"We'll miss you," Ruiza nodded. He sniffed suspiciously. "Especially your bad karaoke singing."

"I wasn't THAT bad!" Sin scoffed offended.

"Well... maybe not as bad as Kisaki..."
They all laughed then, breaking the tension a bit.
"Speaking of karaoke," Asagi suggested, "We can celebrate our memories this weekend - with karaoke and dinner... Hiroki and Rena... you should join us as well - and hear about Sin back in the early days."

"Ahhhh... those good ol' days, when I was a youngster," Sin's voice croaked like an old man. "When we had to perform for six hours straight... hopped up on garlic injections."

Ruiza snorted. Asagi chuckled.
"That's almost not funny," the vocalist shook his head. "Although, sometimes, I think I was only able to stay on my feet because my veins were filled with caffeine drinks... Remember that one time Sin chugged two cans and was basically twirling all night?"

"Yeah," Ruiza laughed. "Kisaki was all like 'You're sleeping in his room tonight, Ruiza!'... and I was like 'What's new about that?'... and you remember Shion ended up having to stay with Sin - and fell asleep in the chair upright with cotton balls in his ears!"
Sin's face was red with embarrassment, while Asagi laughter subsided to manic giggles. Ruiza was howling, Rena pointed a finger at Sin and guffawed. Hiroki smiled and laughed politely.
"Obviously I should have been there..."

"Yes..." Asagi's laughter subsided. "Good times. Good memories."

"Good memories?" Sin asked outraged. "You should talk. Remember those cookies? I nearly died!"

"Never eat Asagi's cookies," Ruiza agreed, doubling up even more with laughter. "Unless - unless - "

"You have a death wish," ended Sin, gasping for breath.
It was Asagi's turn to blush bright red.
"At least I was trying!"

"You should have given up even thinking about it! Kisaki was all pissed - but Asagi was kinda cute..."

"Did he wear a flowery apron?" asked Rena.
Hiroki smacked the bassist.
"He's your boss, idiot. Stop it."

"Stop what?" Rena asked innocently.

"You know what."
Asagi's giggling subsided and he cocked an eyebrow at the two men. Rena glared at Hiroki and sniffed.
"It's nothing. I wasn't thinking anything."

"Hm... So, Asagi, we'll wrap up Sin's departure with a farewell concert then - in a week's time?"

"Works for me," Sin nodded, getting serious.
Ruiza's laughter died away, and he sighed gustily.
"We'll have to do auditions. Again."

"Hm..." Hiroki tilted his head. "I think I might have some friends from S to M free since it disbanded a short while ago... There were a few good guitarists there... one had had his own band before then and sang in it... it would give Asagi back up for his performances... I'll talk to them at any rate... and when we put out word for audition, we don't have to ask so many people..."

"Would be nice," agreed Asagi. "I would hate to waste time listening to sixty people when I could be arranging business matters which always seem to be looming over my shoulder... So then we are agreed?"
Ruiza shrugged, looking unhappy, "I guess. I don't know who could replace Sin though..."

"You'd be surprised," Sin said, squeezing Ruiza's shoulder, knowing that the guitarist must feel like he was on a roller-coaster of emotions. "Think of a chance to increase your friendships... and find another kindred spirit."

"Hmmm..." Ruiza didn't seem convinced.

"You'll also have a right to decide," Asagi agreed. "Since you are my partner."
Ruiza nodded slowly. "Right... well... let's talk practically how this is going to work out... you're saying you'll leave in the next couple weeks... Friday or Saturday or Sunday?"

"Which means..."

"Which means that we'll need to plan the farewell party the next day - make it a nice place with lots of booze and good food."

"Sure," Asagi said hesitantly. "And we'll need to start looking at some of our contacts and put out word we're in need of a guitarist."
The short blond nodded absently. Asagi had a feeling his friend wouldn't find it as easy to let Sin go.
-0-0-0-

Sin left with a bang. The fans felt the sadness - as did Ruiza. Asagi, however, kept his focus on the future. It helped that Rena and Hiroki, both newer members, could also help. Hiroki had already found a friend to step in for a short time. In fact, the young man had been about to contact Hiroki - he had been a fan of D's work even for such a short time. It reminded Asagi of the young roadie, Tsunehito.
How many people we can only imagine support us and carry us forward to our dreams? He mused lazily one night as he stared at the heavily scribbled lyrics which were balanced precariously on the edge of his bathtub. In the warm wet heat, he considered the lines, humming a light tune which might end up going with it. I hope Ruiza doesn't forget that... we are all in it together - whether we leave or not - our hopes continue forward. Ruiza and I... we share the dream, such as it is.
Far away, he could hear the sounds of cars passing to and fro along the busy streets. Closer, the loud meows of Mie... and Donna, sharpening her claws no doubt on his couch instead of the post. He sighed. I need to get their claws cut... Which can only mean... A relaxing spa with Daddy... And a far away ring. His cellphone. Frowning, Asagi, clutching the edges of the bathtub, clambered out slowly. Somewhere deep down, he hoped he wouldn't make it. The ringing stopped. Asagi, mid-reach for a towel, paused. Then it rang again.
Images flashed through his mind. It's Mother – maybe Father had a heart attack... or... Leaving the towel behind, he lunged forward, flinging the door open and scrabbling along the bedsheets until he found his cell. Something happened to Kimiko... my sister could have been in a car accident... or Ruiza finally did something stupid while he was drunk...
“Hello,” he said.

“Good evening,” a calm, female voice replied. “Am I speaking to...” Pause. “Asagi?”
Asagi. Good. It wasn't family... Shit.
“Yes. Speaking.”
I'm standing naked talking to some lady, Asagi's eyes darted around – but he knew that trying to pull on his clothes wasn't going to make the conversation any easier. Besides, it's not like she can see you, idiot. Idiot man.
“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“I am calling on the behalf of Tanaka Hideyuki.”

“Tanaka Hideyuki?” Asagi squinted in thought, mind working furiously.
Ruiza? I think he said something about his family name...
“Is he short with blonde hair?”

“Yes. A call for an ambulance was placed earlier by an unknown person who became concerned with Tanaka-san's unresponsiveness when he fell unconscious at a club.”

“Ruiza... oh no...”
Asagi threw his clothes on the bed and, pulling out his underwear, he awkwardly began to pull them on over his feet.
“From your card and photo in his wallet, we ascertained that the only person to call would be you –“

“I would like the address of your hospital please,” Asagi interrupted the woman.
Ten minutes later, after scribbling the address down on the back of a receipt, Asagi threw on his clothes, grabbed his keys and ran out the door. Time seemed to crawl as he slumped back in the taxi which bore him onward through the traffic – staring up at the ceiling wondering how it came to this.
It's my fault, he sighed. I should have watched over him. Kept an eye on him – especially since Sin left, things must be so hard for him... What was I thinking?
You weren't thinking, Asagi, another part of him sniffed. It's always about your pain and what you've been going through. How do you think Ruiza felt? Watching you debase yourself? You know how he felt about you...
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Asagi shook his head.
Ruiza is a grown up. He needs to take care of himself.
Yes, but, you are also his friend. You're supposed to CARE.
It seemed like forever until he arrived at hospital entrance. Paying his fair, Asagi drifted into the white, clean hospital uncertainly. Once upon a time, he had wanted to work in a place like this... His lips quirked up at the image of himself wearing a white coat complete with stethoscope.
Of course, things never work out the way we plan, he smiled bitterly. Kisaki taught me that important lesson... and now... Ruiza...
In fifteen minutes, he was sitting by Ruiza's bed, holding his friend's hand, staring at the unmoving, silent face of the normally vivacious guitarist. The nurse's stream of information passed over his head in a blur – disconnected sentences like “alcohol poisoning” and “...everyone knows they shouldn't mix alcohol with drugs!”
Two days later, when the sun rose, and his friend finally stirred muzzily. Asagi jolted awake and blearily gazed at Ruiza's scrunched up face as the young man slowly came to consciousness.
“A-As-Asagi?” he croaked out.
Immediately, Asagi pulled out a lukewarm bottle of water and, hand behind Ruiza's head, helped his friend get a sip of water. Once Ruiza settled back with a tiny, weary sigh, Asagi relaxed a little, concern wrinkling his brow.
“Wh-what are you doin' here...” Ruiza groaned. “Whe-where...”

“In a hospital,” Asagi blinked a few times, telling himself that now was NOT the time for histrionics. But it was difficult – especially after such a long wait in the hospital. “You.. I'm so sorry... I should have gone with you – this wouldn't be happening if I was thinking about myself all the time and not talking to you –“

“Wha-?”

“You... don't remember?”

“I remember having a few drinks too many... nothing...” Ruiza turned away and then shook his head slowly. “I – I can't remember... I can't... last night... what did...”

“It's over, it's over, happened... two nights ago...” Asagi leaned forward to take his friend's hand. “Don't worry – we'll work it out. They – they said – you drank too much... and maybe... took a drug of some kind... and fell unconscious... so – you – ah... are going to have to stay in here for a week or more... and then... you'll have to go into a clinic or something... they think rehab... they said... you...”

“They told you about the drugs...” Ruiza said bitterly. He shut his eyes and turned away. “Scold me. Yell at me, Asagi. You know I deserve it.”

“Why – what...” Asagi shook his head. “No. I could never do that.”

“Really.”

“Of course, I couldn't. Me? It'd be like... the pot calling the kettle black.”

“What...”

“Never mind. I mean... look at what I just came out of... the scars on my back...”

“Are just like the scars on my liver?” Ruiza raised an eyebrow at his dark-haired friend. “Is what you mean?”

“Maybe,” Asagi laughed a little then. “Listen... did I ever tell you about Donna?”

“Donna? Your cat?”

“Yes... you... remind me a lot of Donna... not just you... myself also... and... perhaps all around the world there are people like him.”

“Let me guess, Donna was a crack cat?”

“No,” Asagi shook his head, trying not to laugh.

“Chronic kleptomaniac?”

“No... he... I found him on the side of the road – scrawny – and weak – and so afraid – but so tired, he couldn't even hiss at me. Maybe he gave up on life there – and when I took him up in my arms, I knew that, well, I just had to take him home.” Asagi ignored a mumbled 'you would' from Ruiza. “Later on, after... after... after Kisaki... I realized that there are times in our life when we make so many mistakes, we end up like Donna – on the side of the road, so to speak.” Asagi mumbled and hung his head. “We end up so hurt by what we've done – what others have done to us – we can't find life in ourselves anymore. We can't even pick ourselves up.”
Ruiza turned his head to look at the bent head of his friend. Asagi plucked at his sleeves awkwardly, his voice low and slow. The blond guitarist had a feeling that the soft-hearted man was trying to hold back tears.
He would cry...
In response, Ruiza squeezed Asagi's hand encouragingly. The vocalist raised slightly damp eyes and smiled softly.
“But...” Asagi continued on, voice a little stronger. “I believe there is Someone who always picks us up.”

“God?” Ruiza asked, remembering Asagi praying in the church.

“Yes.”

“I don't believe in God...” Ruiza stirred. “At least, not really.”

“It's okay,” Asagi shrugged. “For you, it could be... us.... our small family. Sin, Hiroki... myself... we're here at your side. You aren't alone – we can understand because I'm sure, if we are all honest with ourselves, we've come to this point once before in our lives... right?”

“I'm sorry, Asagi...” Ruiza broke down then, tears running down his face. He hadn't expected this. “For... for causing so-so much trouble... D... oh Kami... what about the band... without me, there's going to be a gap – and –“

“It's okay,” Asagi reassured his friend. “We'll figure it out. For a month or two, we can find some stand ins.”

“A-a-a month?” Ruiza shook his head. “But.. D... it will...”

“Forget D. Think about yourself... you need... you need help, Ruiza,” Asagi shook his head. “The doctors think you can turn back now and get things into control... I really, really... hope... you will consider taking rehab... it would... help... I think.”

“I'll think about it.”

“Thanks.”
Pause.
“Donna...” Ruiza's eyebrows came together in a frown. “... is male?”

“Ahhhh....” Here, Asagi blushed. “When I was fostering the cat – trying to find the original owners – I thought he was, well, a she.... and called her – him – Donna but much later...”

“Didn't you think that about Mie as well?”

“Ahhh... well... that was...”

“You really need to brush up on your biology, Asagi. Just lift up the tail for goodness sake...” Ruiza smiled sleepily and then drifted off in the warm silence. When he woke up, Asagi was gone, but a bouquet of roses scented the room sweetly.

-0-0-0-
Settling back on his couch, Asagi stretched and sighed contentedly. Along the top of his couch, Donna snoozed. At his feet, on the couch's end, Mie batted at his toes playfully. On his chest, the newest edition to his family, Chimi-chan, curled up napping. A Ghibli was on – and head propped up on his favourite pillows, humidifier humming in the corner, Asagi laid back and enjoyed the sleepy silence of his home. It was a new couch – a nice deep red – and matched quite nicely with his rose-patterned curtains, rose-patterned carpet (newly installed) and rose-patterned lamp covers (sent by his mother to the horror of his father).
Now, I just need to get in that claw-footed dining table I saw in the catalogue, Asagi thought, and of course, there are the wardrobes... It'd be nice to get something matching...
A month and a half had passed without Ruiza. Once the blond had been removed from the hospital, the young guitarist decided a change of scenery was need. With Asagi's help, he found a well-established clinic. When Asagi found time between gigs, the dark-haired vocalist (sometimes accompanied by Hiroki) would come to visit and talk about the small band they had formed. Ruiza responded well to rehab – but it was Asagi's visits (full of updates and anecdotes) that were most encouraging.
Asagi recounted with relish – and a little hesitation – the first time Hiroki found some fill-ins for the musicians they had lost. A young musician by the name of Tetsu, who wouldn't be able to stay long-term, but was willing to help them out with a few gigs for some side money.
“We are thankful for your help,” Asagi had said, bowing slightly. “I hope we can work well together.” But his eyes were fixed on the second guitarist.
An electric guitarist who had some proficiency in singing and bass, apparently. Auburn hair, a confident smile and easy athletic grace. Not visibly muscled like Hiroki, but lean and wiry. Full of nervous energy. His audition was full of twirls, head-banging and vivacious gestures.
Asagi's face had turned read remembering the weight of those fingers on his ribs. The warmth, which he knew, lay in those hands – the passion of those lips. That night was cherished – even though he never talked about it. It had, in an unspoken kind of way, been the spark for Asagi's fire of independence.
And the spark has returned temporarily, Asagi bit his lip uncertainly. Only as a substitute for Ruiza... but... it's going to be difficult performing with him... with... that... always in the back of my head...
“I'm Hide-zou,” the guitarist bowed, his sparkling eyes never leaving Asagi's. “I'm pleased to meet you.”

“Asagi,” the vocalist replied, chest tight.

“I've been to a few of D's concerts in the past month,” Hide-zou was saying. “As always, I find myself impressed by the quality and thought which go into the productions... I hope I can more than meet your needs, when Tetsu-san can't.”

“Hide-zou is willing to substitute whenever,” Hiroki added cheerfully. “He's got more free time, I guess, seeing as his other band just disbanded – and as you noticed, his singing isn't so bad –“ Here, Hide-zou frowned in mock injury and self-deprecation. “So he could back you up on your vocals.”

“You've given it some thought... I see...”

“Sorry... Just thought you'd like someone who could record both guitars for our songs – if we are to put out an album, that is. And he can play bass... if Rena ever decides to jump ship, that is.”

“I'm not 'jumping ship' any time soon,” Rena sniffed, then paused thoughtfully. “Maybe one day.... but... it all depends on things...” He grinned at Asagi, who suddenly decided to glare at the music stand next to him.

“Never mind,” Hiroki rolled his eyes.

“No, no. It's reasonable. I am... more than willing to have Hide-zou-san join as a substitute and stand-in bass player,” Asagi said, stressing the 'san', trying to squash how impressed he was with Hide-zou's many talents. His eyes could barely meet Hide-zou's.

“Just Hide-zou,” the electric guitarist smiled.
Damn.
“Hide-zou,” repeated Asagi, uncomfortably.
Rena was nodding agreeably and whispering with Tetsu about guitar strings. As his glance swept from Hide-zou to Asagi, noting the long glance between them, Hiroki shifted uneasily. Before disappearing into rehab, Ruiza had given him a low down on how Asagi had been screwed over (literally) by their old bassist and manager – so extra caution was needed for the gentle-hearted man.
He's an adult, Hiroki's brow wrinkled. It's not like he's a kid. If he doesn't like Hide-zou, he can always toss him out. Although, I hope not... the brat is actually good at what he does... and out of the rest of us, he seems to have been around music all of his life...
Later on that night, Asagi found himself outside the small studio they met at regularly – face to face with Hide-zou. Glancing around the small square and street, as if expecting some friends to pop out of the park's hedges or out from behind the potted trees, Asagi realized that the guitarist was indeed waiting for him.
“I'm... surprised... to see you... I thought... I'd never see you again...” Asagi said, trying to keep calm.

“I'm not,” Hide-zou said carefully, eyeing the man before him.
Pause. Then, the guitarist added:
“I've been waiting for this opportunity, really... after Syndrome's break up... that night at the party.”
Asagi tensed.
Hide-zou sighed, “I heard rumours about shit hitting the fan and all that... but... when I heard about D, I felt so excited. Forget the gossip – it is amazing that you can finally have the chance to show the world what you have to offer.”

“What do I have to offer?”

“Hope... generosity... a faith in people...”

“Generosity.”

“I felt you were a kind person that... one night... a generous person who never thinks about himself...”

“I can be very selfish,” Asagi said, gravely.

“We all have our moments.”

“True.”
Pause.
“About that night...” Asagi finally added, cautiously.

“The most wonderful night of my life...” Hide-zou caught sight of Asagi's face, tensed with obvious distress. “I'm not joking....”

“I know... it's just...”

“You're going to tell me there are going to be no repeats.”

“Yes...” Asagi glared at his feet. “I'm... sorry...”

“It's okay.”

“If you don't want this – you can walk away...”

“No. I'll sign the contract – this is a chance of the life time – to go further than I ever went before... our night together was... mind-blowing... but... I can learn to... understand...”
Asagi's head rose as Hide-zou's hands clasped his shoulders.
“We will find our way – as we see fit,” Hide-zou smiled softly. “Screw expectations.”

“Yeah,” Asagi breathed a rattling sigh of relief. “Exactly.”
And so, somehow, Asagi found himself surrounded with a surprising team. The roadies brought a fervour to the set – no matter the circumstances surrounding Ruiza's absence – and the fans kept coming event after event.
Night of the Children, it was called. Following a vampire theme. Asagi had a few ideas about that – and Ruiza, cigarette-less, watching his friend regale him with an ageless tale of a half-vampire prince and his resurrected father, wondered if he would ever be cured of Asagi. And Asagi wanted to redo a version of Alice. Already the vocalist had begun writing a story about a girl called Alice – and as Ruiza read the first drafts, he realized that Asagi's inner world was so vast and varied. The future was wider than the horizon which stretched before him...
Of course, when Asagi excitedly showed him photos of his new attempts at home deco, Ruiza found it hard to refrain from laughing outright – and tried to hide his hilarity with a fit of coughing which caused Asagi to go into a flurry of anxious questions about his health.
-0-0-0-
Time passes on. The summer cicadas give way to the autumn noises of rain and wind and falling leaves and the scritch-scratch of metal rakes pulling across dead grass. Grey, gloomy clouds scud overhead, promising a cold winter... and Asagi dug out his favourite scarves and stocked up on his throat lozenges and medicines in preparation. The common cold: a vocalist's eternal bane.
Ruiza left rehab one particularly blue-grey day, feeling a better man. Leaving the plain door of the comfy country clinic, riding the local bus to the small train depot, Ruiza wondered if this feeling of newness and green grass and turning new leaves was something subconscious in every newborn baby's mind.
Maybe not...
Arriving in Tokyo, Ruiza hailed a cab and immediately returned to the studio to find Hiroki, Rena, Hide-zou and Asagi practising a new song. When his blond head popped in, a cry rose up. Asagi darted forward to hug his friend and swing the short guitarist around. Hiroki slapped Ruiza on the back painfully, congratulating the man. Then, Asagi was back in the mix, scolding Ruiza for lying about his release date. They had apparently planned to meet him outside the building with some confetti and such like.
Ruiza smugly grinned at them. Rena gave him the third finger and winked at him – and Ruiza nodded in return easily. Out of the band, Rena had found it most difficult to visit him, but Ruiza felt no ill-will. Only people like Asagi could find solace in the silences of nature. It wasn't for everyone.
Hide-zou nodded quietly, obviously feeling a little awkward, but within minutes he was cracking jokes, imitating a monkey and then his favourite historical character, Toshikawa. His impression of Asagi high on caffeine was equally comical. Later on, Ruiza watched Hide-zou flirt like a girl with the bartender, tipsy on vodka and rum – while fending off advances from Rena to Hiroki's smirking delight. Ruiza stuck to a Coke, glad for Asagi's unspoken support. The vocalist had gone for Sprite. Instead, they sat and talked about the future. Talked about Asagi's stories and how Tetsu seemed to be too busy for D recently. Asagi had a bad feeling.
Two days later, D began again. Asagi's 'bad feeling' crystallized when Tetsu called with bad news. Previous commitments – which left the group with an event coming up and no guitarist. And there it was – the eternal question. Who was going to replace Sin? Hide-zou raised a hand and volunteered for the next event cheerfully. Ruiza grinned and gave the younger man a thumbs up.
Sin was right, he thought. Who we are – it is something that is always in flux. Sometimes that can be scary – but if it means we grow up, grow out – expand our horizons, be willing to meet the new happinesses that life has in store for us... it's a good thing, right? Like Hide-zou... I wouldn't have met him if Sin hadn't left... and Rena... and... D itself.... born out of the ashes of Syndrome... still, it doesn't make change any easier.
Leaving the show house in the dark hours of eleven o'clock, the band members of D were quieter than normal after a live. It had been a good night for everyone – but now, Ruiza and Asagi were in the throes of decision-making.
“Tetsu was great,” Asagi sighed, staring out of the windshield of the van. “It's too bad, he couldn't be with us tonight. Not that, we aren't thankful for your work, Hide-zou-san,” he added quickly. “I think the girls really like you – which is always a plus.”
Hide-zou smiled quickly at Asagi who went back to staring out of the window shield. It was starting to rain again, the small drops of water flecking the glass like small diamonds. There was something about Asagi's tense shoulders that seemed to betray a tension about the vocalist. Some kind of memory, perhaps. He glanced at Ruiza inquiringly. The blond guitarist shrugged.
“It's always hard to retrain a person to fit D,” Asagi added vaguely, wondering when everyone was going to tell him to stop behaving like an ass. “Our image is... very specific...”
Hiroki at the wheel nodded sympathetically. It always sucked to lose good staff. He glanced back in the rear view mirror at Hide-zou who was now staring out the window, feeling more awkward. Rena was poking the guitarist in the side, and jerking his head toward Asagi more obviously. Ruiza gave Hide-zou an encouraging smile.
“Well, you knew from the start that he wasn't going to be able to stay,” Hiroki said, reasonably. “There are other guitarists out there. Better ones...”

“True...”

“Asagi...” Ruiza paused and then faltered.
A slight cough. Then, Hide-zou's voice broke the silence hesitantly.
“Asagi-san, how about me?”
-0-0-0-
Months later....
"It's going well," Ruiza yawned lazily, throwing down a music critic's journal. "Who would've thought?"

"I expected as much," Asagi replied repressively. "It's why we chose it. That can only mean one thing."

"I know... Now that Rena's gone, we're gonna need that addition more than ever. Hide-zou can do either bass or electric, so it doesn't matter which, really."

“I prefer electric,” Hide-zou put in. “Look for a bassist. There are tons of good ones out there.”

“I don't want good,” Asagi said. "And even then, we've not had anything really good come up yet -"

"Someone will show up - they always do,” Ruiza said stubbornly.

"It can't just be anyone."

"No?"

"Of course not - if we are serious about going major, then we've got to get someone just as serious."
Hide-zou's eyes drifted between the two arguing men. Although he had great respect for Ruiza-san, his admiration of the dark vocalist was even more obvious. There was something about Asagi that was untouchable. Ever Since that night, I've wanted to be here... It looks like more than ever, we need to stand together. At his side.
When Asagi spoke of going major, Hide-zou had a very clear vision of what it would look like.
Yes. It will happen. Asagi-san said so.
Hiroki grinned, catching Hide-zou's eye and winked.
"Listen," Hiroki sighed. "We got a bunch auditioning this week. Let's look at each one of them as objectively as we can - and see where we go from there. Okay?"

"Whatever," Ruiza shrugged. "I just want us to be get going on this."

"Carefully. I don't want us messing up -"

"There's no such thing as messing up," Ruiza sighed.

"There is," Asagi said, in a hard voice, jaw jutting.

"If you mean, messing up as in crawling back to him for help," Ruiza stood up. "I'd die before admitting anything like that - before even considering that as an option."
Asagi didn't reply to the rebuke. His eyes never left his clenched hands.
“There's that roadie...” Hide-zou said finally. “The crazy bassist. And he loves loli as well... so there's that angle as well... If we wanted D to have a loli-chan for those kinds of fans...”

“Tsune-chan?” Asagi's eyebrow rose.

“Never heard him? He's good. Been in a few bands as well... so... it's not like he's had no experience. Listen... I'll get him to go to the audition. You watch. He'll blow away the competition.”
Later on that week, Asagi gave a private prayer of thanks for Hide-zou and his insights. The guitarist was right.
As usual... Well, he ought to know, seeing as he is used to lead a band and understands the importance of a solid bass and good inter-personal relationships... Asagi smiled. I wonder if he ever realized that Tsunehito understands the heart of D... and it shows in his music... From now on, if we carry each other onward, there is no where for D to go but upwards... up and out beyond even the castles in the sky which we build...
-0-0-0-
Months later....
Leaving the room, still wearing his Alice costume, Asagi felt his giddiness ebb away at the sight of Kisaki standing in the hallway. Straightening a bit, Asagi nodded, feeling more than ever, the weight of Kisaki's stare. The bassist had never returned after that night in the park – but sometimes, after a panel in Shoxx or Fool's Mate, Asagi would get an email or a telephone message of congratulations.
Behind him, he knew that Ruiza was pulling Hide-zou back, not wanting to make a scene. Asagi shook his head.
Really, how long as it been? Years... they say time heals all wounds... but I guess... some things always remain... sore and awkward...
“Just wanted to say 'hi', since I was in the area.”

“Thank you, Kisaki,” Asagi replied calmly. “I'm glad to see you well. With a new band, as well, I saw.”

“Yes. Been to one of our concerts?”

“No.”

“Ah. Pity.”

“Hm.”

“Gackt asked after you.”

“He did?”

“I know how much you loved – love – his singing. I told him you had your own band now... Suggested he try to get out to see you.”

“I see,” Asagi said blankly, mind scrambling trying to figure out this new Kisaki.

“No need to get all thankful,” Kisaki said sarcastically.

“Sorry... I'm just...”

“I've got someone new.” The bassist said abruptly. “You?”

“That's personal.”

“I thought I cured you of immaterial modesty.”

“Regressed.”
Pause.
“Well...” Kisaki smiled brightly. “Now that you're all here... We can take a photo together?”
A photo was taken with the rest of D and as the band dispersed to pack up their things, Kisaki lingered, eyes never leaving Asagi's face. Asagi found himself wanting to stare at his feet, at his hands, at the wall – anywhere but Kisaki – but he steeled himself, with firm jaw.
Kisaki smiled, eyes never missing the details of the man he had, in spite of himself, cherished and repudiated.
“I can never forget you – even when I'm with... him... When I see you here, it is amazing how time has only brought you into sharp relief in my memory. You're like wine, Asagi. Did you know that? You just get... better with time...”
Asagi looked away at that, feeling perturbed at the thought of Kisaki remembering him in any sort of capacity. He glanced back at his ex-lover, ex-boss, ex-band mate, ex... ex-torturer... and sighed.
“I'm not lingering on memories,” he said evenly. “I'm moving on.”

“He – she – doesn't make you feel like fire,” Kisaki whispered, drawing close to Asagi, his breath soft on the vocalist's cheek.

"Doesn't burn me either,” Asagi replied softly, eyes meeting Kisaki, for a moment allowing the man inside.
There was serenity and contentment and happiness. Kisaki knew it for what it was – what he had searched for so desperately. In the end, Asagi couldn't share it. It was as it always was. His problem. His burden. His devil.
“Goodbye, Asagi,” Kisaki's light kiss on Asagi's warm lips received no response. “Good luck.”

“I hope your path is smooth and you reach the place you search for,” Asagi nodded solemnly.
Kisaki turned and left with a jaunty wave (it lacked energy – but one could hardly be blamed for that!) and Asagi watched him go with a heavy heart. He hoped that whatever Kisaki failed to find in him would one day come.
"So you let it happen again," Ruiza noted sardonically, at his side. As usual.
“Watching?” Asagi said archly. “I think you are a voyeur in the making, Rui-chan.”

“Don't change the subject. He kissed you. Again.”
"Yeah... Last time..."
"You always say that... It never is..."
"No..."
That night, curled up with his cats, Asagi replayed the conversation over and over again in his head. Was there any way to say things differently? What could he have said to ease Kisaki's aching heart... nothing. Nothing...
As he drifted away, the vocalist wondered if Kisaki would ever find what he was looking for. He felt so blessed and comforted. Asagi knew, now, more than ever what his life was – a walk through a garden of roses. Yes, in a way... he was Alice. Music was his key. And no matter how often he tried to hide, no matter how often he battled with himself and his fears, no matter how often the darkness inside him threatened to overwhelm him with dark memories, Asagi knew that he wasn't alone.
With that welcoming thought, he welcomed the night and the new day.
- 19
- 20
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