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On fire	By : Kat1975 Category: Individual Celebrities > Gerard Butler Views: 7043 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know Gerard Butler. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 20
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- 22
Chapter 21 - Exposed

Preface

~
It is quite amazing how one intense feeling has the power to superimpose another. But although a feeling can be overlaid, it will not disappear if it has impacted us enough to touch our soul.

When we don’t even realise that it still lurks beneath the surface, an occurrence, even an inconspicuous one will make it resurface with new vigour in its whole negative or positive power and we human beings oh so humbly subdue to its potency.

Strangely and sadly enough, a weakness inside most of us dictates that we favour to keep what is negative alive with more arduousness than the positive, which we let all too easily erode and weaken when we really should put all effort into sustaining it in its full glory.
~

Gerry opened the door to his Hampstead apartment and Tamsin felt her heart beat high in her throat as she took the first tentative step over the threshold of his private domain.. The fact that his mobile had kept ringing without a break since he had turned it on, did not exactly help to make her feel better.

“Well that’s it” he said with a shrug after he had shown her around the rooms that exuded masculinity with predominantly dark, tasteful furniture, expensive Hi-fi components and a huge plasma TV on his living room wall. “Feel at home” was the imprecise instruction before he pushed the play button on his agitatedly blinking answer phone and was obviously oblivious to her uneasiness.

**

Tamsin wandering around feeling slightly lost for a while, before she picked up a book and entered the living room just as his phone rang once more. He smiled apologetically at her from the sofa. Tamsin returned his grin, waving the book in her hand “I’ll leave you to your calls and go read a bit in your study” while thinking to herself that Gerry’s study had about the size of her whole tiny apartment!

Although Gerry picked up the call, he quickly said to the person on the other end “hold on for a sec will ya?” and then addressed her with one hand extended towards her “come here babe and stay with me…” and then added in a whisper “please”.

So she lay with her head in his lap and read, while he talked and talked. Soon she put down the book and felt like a cat on its owners lap. There was the feeling of Gerry’s warm, steady hand that stroked over her head and ran its fingers through her hair and his pleasant voice that provided the mollifying backdrop to her dozing off.

**

Something tickled Tamsin’s nose and when it would not stop she tried to shoo it away with her hand, hitting her own nose quite hurtfully. Gerry laughed and then had to explain, “No I did not laugh at you Ma…nothing…really. You sure you want to come to the airport cause I can take a taxi? Alright, great. See you tomorrow then!”

She yawned and looked at Gerry who grinned “Glad it’s not only me who keeps falling asleep on your sofa all the time! Fancy some food? I’m starving!”

“Hmmmmm…yeah…guess so” she stretched in an attempt to wake up thoroughly and chase away the dizziness.

“Need some help waking up?” Gerry inquired with a cheeky grin before he kissed her deeply and soon put his tongue enthusiastically to use. Then his phone rang again and caused Gerry to throw himself against the pillow behind his back shouting at the top of his lungs “Aaaargh!”

Not much later though, they sat in the Base on Hampstead High Street and were enjoying their dinner. Tamsin smiled at him looking up from her plate “So you’re going to visit your parents in Scotland before you cross the ditch?” “Yeah I’ll be at my parent’s for two nights and then fly out to New York. From there I can’t even remember where I’ll be going let alone what my schedule is” Gerry laughed.

Then the look on his face changed abruptly as he questioned her with a challenging look that made his face look tense “you’re not asking whether I’ll be calling ya? Or tell me how much you’ll miss me and that I should not go?”

Although this caught her completely by surprise, Tamsin kept her cool although she felt that this was not quite the joke he tried to make out of it “Gerry, I’ll certainly miss you and be happy if you call, but I have a faint feeling that begging you needily to call me every night will not do the trick. Eh? And how can I say you should not go when it’s part of your job? See…you wanted to be accepted for who you are and that’s part of you so I will have to get used deal with it.”

Dropping that specific topic Gerry still kept inquiring with a strange undertone in his voice “So you’re not dissapointed that I don’t take you with me to my parents?”
Tamsin could not help but feel confused and tested by him “No I am not really disappointed because we only met a short time ago and I know you have a stressful trip ahead of you. So yeah, I perfectly understand that you want some time alone with your parents! What is this anyway? This feels more like a police interview than the one we had this morning!”

Gerry realised that he indeed had been trying her unconsciously without even knowing what for. Suddenly he felt deflated when seconds ago he had been fully alert and working towards something he was insecure about what it actually was.

“I’m sorry honey…I…ah, just forget it”. Although he had managed to stop smoking for nearly two weeks, the urge to have a fag was so strong now that he all but jumped up even before he had finished his dish.

“Sorry I really need a smoke…I’ll be back in a moment” and Tamsin only then took notice of the fact that he had not been smoking lately and felt bad for her inattentiveness. Gerry in the meanwhile pinched a fag in record time off a fellow smoker and paced in front of the door staring at the pavement and inhaling deeply until he felt calmness spread through him.

When he felt a hand on his back he spun around “Gerry are you alright?” Not sure whether he was or not he replied nonetheless with what was supposed to be an easy laugh “yeah…I’m fine”. He carefully avoided Tamsin’s eyes and she just knew that it would be of no use to push him for the truth “come on then Gerry…let’s go home…I’ve paid”

The hollow click of the key turning in the door and the low creaking noise of it opening widely was unnaturally audible in the heavy silence between the two. “I need to pack my things…if you want to go to bed already…” Tamsin glanced at her watch and it was only half past ten, but she guessed that the best she could do was leave him alone for a while although she was completely clueless as to what was causing his sudden detachment.

But the gaping distance she sensed between them was so great, that she felt chilled to the bone on the warm summer night. How was it possible that the day had felt so right, that their being together had finally been without tension or problems and now, only a few hours later everything was going so wrong?

Maybe he felt loathing for her stupidity of manoeuvring herself into such a dangerous situation in Rye, which only thanks to him had ended fortunately. All the ridiculous events in between their one night stand and the weekend down South had probably caused him to reconsider and she had probably fooled herself in starting to believe in some kind of bond between them.

A lump in her throat grew rapidly and the devil in her head sneered at her “why would he want to be in a relationship with a stupid cow like you? He can have almost every woman and there are certainly more beautiful, intelligent and funnier ones around than YOU!” and there was no strength in her to fight the demon inside that continued to shout abuse at her.

She turned off the lights in that big foreign bed, as emptiness and capitulation spread all through her like a malignant tumour. Later when Gerry entered the room he turned on the light for only a moment, in which she pretended to be asleep. Even before Gerry was lying beneath the duvet, she already knew that he would not come to her side of his bed to hold her body close to him this night. But even with a troubled mind she finally fell asleep.

**

Words were travelling through a thick, oblique haze, fragmented and incomprehensible. They were groaned out with difficulty from a person clearly in distress. The fog slowly started to dissolve and coevally the words, though mumbled, became more distinct.

As Tamsin slowly drifted out of a deep, dreamless sleep she was without orientation at first, but quickly realised that it was Gerry who groaned and mumbled.

It was hard to understand what he muttered, so deeply was he caught in sleep and the bowels of the nightmare that was a reality only to him. After listening to the words he seemed to mumble in black despair, he seemed to dream about an agonising loss he was about to experience.

Not knowing how to react she kept silent, feeling like an unwanted intruder. Was it true that one is not to disturb the dreaming? Not even if they suffer from what is to them a baneful reality under the dark blanket of sleep?

With great reluctance Tam refrained from turning on the light. She extended her hand and when it came into contact with Gerry’s back she lightly stroked along his spine to help force his demons away. But he continued his thrashing and moaning and his pleas grew in their desperation.

Her heart hurt in sympathy for his agony, but the moment she decided to turn the light on and gently wake him, she heard a voiceless gasp beside her that made her freeze. He breathed heavier than normal, but obviously suppressed it as much as possible.

A moment later she felt his weight leave the mattress and heard how he departed the now silent and dark room.

Should she let him be alone? Would he stab her heart by sending her away if she went after him? In spite of all the fear and doubts, a sudden determination made her turn on the light and get out of bed, since no matter how great the potential for hurt was, her care for him was greater.

A warm light reached out from the living room and provided a lead for her on the otherwise dark hallway. Silently and reluctantly Tamsin entered the living room to find Gerry sitting on the sofa. His head was lying on the backrest and his eyes were closed.

Still wordless she sat down next to him and only when her weight dented the dark leather, his eyes snapped open and his head flew up. Without thought she verbalised her worst fears “please don’t send me away Gerry!” He opened his mouth and closed it again. After a moment he calmly said “I just can’t sleep, I’m fine…I’ll read for a bit. Go back to bed…it doesn’t make sense that both of us stay awake just cause I can’t sleep.”

“Gerry, I don’t know what has happened and all I know is that you are a million miles away from me although we’re sitting on the same sofa. I won’t even ask what I have done because I probably cannot make it right again…but don’t try to tell me you are fine when you are not!”

Tears started to violently fight their way to the surface and there was no battling them “can you imagine how much it hurt me to lie next to you and listen to your moaning and thrashing? I don’t know why you don’t want me close to you anymore, but I sure know that your pushing me away hurts like hell!”

After hesitating for a moment she continued “I don’t want to make that all about me, because what I care about right now is that you are alright, but you don’t seem to want me to care about you anymore or maybe you never wanted it.”

Tamsin looked at Gerry’s unreadable expression and then looked away feeling more defeated by his silence and motionlessness than anything else. Tears were falling from her chin, but this time there was no hand brushing them away.

Gerry was only slowly able to loosen the cold grasp his nightmare had on him. He felt Tamsin’s presence close to him even without looking at her and felt how anger hit him with a pang. Why did she not leave him alone, why could he not have a moment of peace, why did she think he was weak and vulnerable when he was not!

Although fighting the urge to shout, he said in a low voice “listen, maybe it is better if you go home now. I’ll order you a taxi and pay for it. I’ll probably get some work done since I cannot sleep anyway”. Gerry knew full well that she was not stupid and would take his words for what they were, a gentle shove out of the door for no reason other than that he did not want her around.

Tamsin felt slain by his reaction. Defeat, sadness, pain and a whole avalanche of emotions she did not even care to name, but which were nonetheless crushing her under their combined weight.

Without hope she just gave up, nodding at his words and not able to look him in the eye. She got up and slowly walked towards the door. But then she felt something else, something strong resurge from the ashes of her bashed self-esteem.

There was a stubborn, strong will to fight for what was worth fighting for, even with the overwhelming possibility of defeat looming over her like an all consuming dark cloud. Tamsin raised her head reluctantly at first, then turned with more determination, followed her footsteps back and faced Gerry with a braveness she had no idea had been lurking inside her all the time.

“Gerry, you can send me away, but don’t fob me off with reasons we both know are excuses and excuses only. If you want to get rid of me I can’t stop you, but I won’t allow you to drive me away in a manner that allows you to tell yourself that I was the one who left you!”

Her voice had lost all its unsteady shakiness “I don’t want to leave and I don’t want to end this now we have finally got our act together. No-one can know what will become of us, but I want to find out because you have become important to me and I care about you! Hell this is difficult for me too you know! I can’t even remember when or if ever I told a guy that I really care for him!”

After a deep breath she continued “Gerry you told me that I need to learn to trust in my friends, open up to them and let them help me if I need them. Now you are doing what I was so afraid of…you are pushing me away after I have opened up and trusted you” and there her voice started to trail off “I feel like you are stabbing my heart…the heart I really desperately tried to protect from you. I have been hurt too often Gerry…”.

Word by word, sentence by sentence her words made Gerry’s defences crumble just as the strongest protective barrier caves in, when the weak spot in its construction design has been hit repeatedly.

He sunk onto the sofa, head hanging low and all his anger gone he was alone in a confusing, raw place at 3 a.m. in the morning, the time when we all are at our most vulnerable with our guards less strong than at most other hours of the day.

Tamsin walked back to the sofa, sat down next to him and put one hand lightly onto his shoulder. When Gerry did not move away, but left his head hanging low, she did neither move nor speak.

After a while of feeling his shoulders move ever so slightly he lay down onto his side and she felt his head rest heavy in her lap. In the process of him shifting position she saw a heart-wrenching expression of sadness on his face, that had never been there before.

She stroked over his head and ran her hand through his short hair for what felt like a long time, until he started to talk. Talk about all the things he had locked away so securely. He told her about his nightmare that had him lose his family, he told her of his father who had been taken away from him just as they had become friends after all that had happened when he was younger.

He talked about the feeling of doubt and guilt when he had grown up without his father. He told her how he had believed that he might have been the one who drove him away in the first place and how he had been alone with that feeling as he had not dared to talk about it.

Finally he admitted that he had been afraid to lose her too at some stage, just like he had lost others before her and how parting now would be less hurtful than later.

Only when the first rays of the early sun shone like a beacon for a new beginning through the window, they were done telling each other of the lonely places they both had been caught in at times and admitted to the moments when life seemed worth not as much as it should.

Just as living through these times and fighting their way back out of them had made them stronger in the end, sharing these stories and feelings with the other further strengthened them and their budding relationship.

The also realised that dragging these experiences and emotions out of the shadows in which they kept lurking, ever ready to uncontrollably resurface at some unknown trigger, somehow put them into perspective and slashed their influence on them.

With the sun that shooed away the rest of the shadows, came back their ability to smile. Hearts full of raised hopes they finally got up and Gerry who had travelled the whole distance from wanting to get rid of her to wanting to be as close as possible, wrapped both arms around Tamsin and pressed her against him, one hand around her back and the other cradling her head and stroking her hair.

She felt that same desire to be close to him, but in sharp contrast it had not abandoned her beforehand. As they walked back to his bedroom, he turned and offered her his hand, which she gladly took. As they lay spooned together Gerry whispered into her ear “all I want right now is to fall asleep next to you and then wake up next to you…even if it’s for an hour only”

Tamsin smiled and lifted his hand that was covered by hers to her mouth to kiss it gently. When his alarm woke them only a short time later they groaned in conjunction and then laughed.

Turning in his arms with a grin, she snuggled against his warm chest and felt safe in his embrace. “Babe…” Gerry whispered into her ear, his warm breath tickling her skin and his voice was thick with emotion “I want to make love to you before I have to leave…but I understand if you don’t want to”.

Sensing that this time it was Gerry who needed to overlay all those emotions of last night, she looked into his eyes which told her so much that was left unspoken and kissed him slowly and reassuringly.

They already knew each others body well enough to not hesitate in their actions and this was no time for further exploration, so they instead tried to tie in where they had left off in their last night in Rye. There was much need to make amends and both were so eager to get reassurance, eager to please and satisfy the other.

More time that they could afford was spent on honest kisses and what we humans crave for most urgently, the simple touch of another human. When Gerry gently entered her, the only importance of this act lay in being as close as possible and recover their unity.

Their gentle, silent rhythm was hardly giving away that they did not only lie in each others arms. When Gerry came, he did not moan but instead gave her a love bite on her neck. Tamsin joined him a little later when he, still buried inside her, helped her to completion with his fingers.

As he felt her body reach its climax under his touch, he kissed her urgently and deeply, continuing to stroke her until her body went limp in his arms. Not wanting to withdraw from her he kept completely still as if by this he could force time to stop and let the necessity to leave pass by.

After a long, content silence in which they both inevitably thought about the emotional rollercoaster ride of the last days, Gerry finally said thoughtfully with an ironic undertone “we are both such drama queens that it’s hard to say who’s emotionally more messed up when it comes to relationships…”

Understanding his need to further erode the power of the darkness inside, Tamsin giggled at his joke no bystander would find even remotely funny considering the drama they had left behind in the darkness of the night.
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On fire