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So Cold	By : willjames52 Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Kelly Clarkson Views: 7114 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. I do not profit monetarily from this work. I don't know Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.

Chapter List
- 1-So Cold
- 2-Ch 2
- 3-Ch 3
- 4-Ch 4
- 5-Ch 5
- 6-Ch 6
- 7-Ch 7
- 8-Ch 8
- 9-Ch 9
- 10-Ch 10
- 11-Ch 11
- 12-Ch 12
- 13-Ch 13
- 14-Ch 14
- 15-Ch 15
- 16-Ch 16
- 17-Ch 17
- 18-Ch 18 pt 1
- 19-Ch 18 pt 2
- 20-Ch 19
- 21-Ch 19 pt 2
- 22-Ch 20
- 23-Ch 21
- 24-Ch 22
- 25-Ch 23
- 20
- 21
- 22
Sorry it's so long in between updates, but school has not let up any. This is an extra long update though, so I hope that makes up for the wait.

Ch 19 Pt 2

Carrie wiped her brow and smiled as Kelly rattled on about the different horses that they had just looked at in the stalls. She could barely remember all the names Kelly had told her, much less which horse Kelly was talking about now, but she enjoyed the way the talk gave Kelly something else to focus on other than Jeanne and Jason. “So what you’re saying is that the horse is just as strange as you?”

Kelly playfully smacked Carrie’s shoulder and then walked a little closer to her girlfriend. “Look who is talking.” She took Carrie’s hand in her own and considered what should be next on the tour. She had already shown Carrie most of the house, the little studio that her and her friends had worked on in the basement, and she had just finished showing Carrie all of her animals. “Did you want to ride or something?” Kelly wanted to show Carrie the rest of the property, but she didn’t want to give her family any opportunities to encroach on her time with Carrie.

“I’d like to do that at some point.” Carrie nodded her head as she glanced down at their joined hands. It was a little too hot for her to be comfortable walking around holding Kelly’s hand. She wouldn’t mention the feeling though since showing her around had taken Kelly’s mind off of earlier. The meal Jeanne had cooked for them, and stayed through to talk with them, had been nice. Jeanne had laid off the more personal questions, and she had been able to relax; her girlfriend had been quiet and moody though until Jeanne’s departure. “I’m liking this whole tour thing. I dunno why the heck you’ve stayed in Nashville when you could have been here.”

Kelly laughed at Carrie’s joke and began to lead them back towards the house. “Yeah, I can’t imagine why either. I mean it’s not like there was this great girl there or anything.” She glanced sideways at Carrie to see what kind of reaction the other girl would have. She still wanted to talk about the fact that Carrie had called them girlfriends, but she was nervous after the way her mom had behaved. Kelly mumbled about her mother’s stupid jokes about calling out Carrie’s awkwardness and tried not to think about how she wanted to let out some of her annoyance on Jason.

Carrie ignored the first comment of Kelly’s, but she couldn’t pretend she didn’t hear Kelly mumble about it being Jason’s fault that Jeanne had shown up unannounced. “Hey, come on now, it wasn’t Jason’s fault.” Carrie tugged on Kelly’s hand and quit walking so that Kelly would also. She tilted her head to the side when Kelly refused to look at her. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I think meeting your mom went really well. Yeah,” Carrie blushed and looked down at the ground for a second as she tried to forget the horrible name babbling she had suffered from. “I wish I had known, and I know you do too, it went well though, so let’s just let it go. Okay?”

Kelly hugged Carrie because she wasn’t sure that she could speak at the moment without pouting. She did wish that the circumstances had been different. She hadn't wanted her mom to meet Carrie until Carrie was completely comfortable with the idea of them. “I’m okay. I’m just upset I guess because it could have gone badly.” Kelly let her head rest on Carrie’s shoulder as she loosened her grip and leaned a bit more against Carrie. “I shouldn’t think about what could have happened if it had freaked you out, but that was on my mind when we saw my mom. This Ashley thing, and us being so new… it makes me upset because my mom didn’t stop to think about how meeting her might have been too much for you.”

Even though Kelly hadn’t said anything specific, it was obvious to Carrie that Kelly’s fear hadn’t just been for her. Carrie hugged Kelly tighter for a moment while she tried to think of the right words to ease Kelly. “I might have lost my head for like a second, but I wouldn’t have gone back home or anything.” She waited a beat for Kelly to say something, although she continued with her reassurances when it became clear that Kelly needed more. “I like your family. Jason and I get along great. Your mom is, well, not nice exactly, but she was only teasing us. I like her. I’ve thought about how it would be something to see, the three of you all in the same room together.”

Kelly lifted her head so that she could see if Carrie was just placating her. Carrie was smiling, still holding her; that made Kelly return the look with a small smile of her own. “It’s something all right. Especially once we’ve all had some alcohol. Christmas is a trip, let me tell you.” Kelly wasn’t about to mention how crazy holidays with her family could be just yet. She could still remember the disastrous hayride they had decided to go on after a few drinks one Christmas. “Is now the time to tell you that none of us are gonna be able to leave without having some kind of dinner together?”

Carrie laughed and hugged Kelly a little tighter. “Perfect time to tell me.” She let go of Kelly, and then joined their hands together again. “I like it. I want us to all have dinner the night before we leave.” Carrie resolutely nodded her head once as she began to walk again. She did think it would be fun, even if Jeanne decided to tease them again. “It’ll be nice. I miss getting to do stuff like that with my family. For the record though, I’d like it best if this dinner will be the only other time we see them in the next few days.” Carrie licked her lips as she held in a sigh. She had missed her mother’s birthday, and getting to see her family, but she couldn’t have gone. She didn’t want to lie to her family, and she couldn’t see how she could have faked being fine.

Kelly happily agreed and lightly swung their hands as the trek back continued. It took her a minute to realize that Carrie wasn’t speaking any longer. She didn’t expect Carrie to make jokes all the time, although she thought that the younger girl would joke some more. Kelly thought back on the conversation and tried to figure out what had changed Carrie’s mood. She thought that her own reply had been upbeat enough, and she had grinned when Carrie joked about not seeing her family until the end of their stay. Kelly almost rolled her eyes when she realized what had changed. “Care?”

Carrie turned her head towards Kelly and looked at her curiously. “Yeah? Did you think of something else to show me?” She wouldn’t mind seeing the rest of Kelly’s place, although she hoped that they could take a car because even though it was getting later, the sun was still out and bright.

“Are you worried about your family?” Kelly watched Carrie because she could be wrong. For all she knew, Carrie could be upset that she hadn’t brought up the whole girlfriend thing. She thought that the talk about families had been the turning point in their conversation though. “You can tell me if I’m wrong, or to back off, it’s just that you got really quiet all of a sudden.”

Carrie looked away from Kelly, out at the land, so that she didn’t have to see the other girl’s face when she answered. “Like what? I always worry about them.” She knew what Kelly had asked her, but she didn’t want to talk about how she was worried over how her family would react to the changes in her life, to Kelly. Carrie felt bad that her family’s reaction was such a big thing when Kelly had told Jason and Jeanne about them. Kelly was always looking out for her feelings.

Kelly didn’t know if she should stop because she was wrong, or if she should go on since Carrie had given such a noncommittal answer. “We kinda talked about how you didn’t know what to tell your sisters, and I can see how that would go for all of your family.” Kelly knew she was right when Carrie refused to meet her gaze. “We can totally have dinner with my family whenever you want; and I’m sure my mom will tell you everything she thought when I came out to her. It’s…”

Carrie took the opportunity to try to stop the conversation. She didn’t want to think about all the ways her family could take the news. “Kelly, it’s okay. I want to have dinner with your mom, but you don’t need to talk about this. This- this, we’re supposed to be having fun and spending time with each other, not worrying.” Carrie wouldn’t lie and tell Kelly that she wasn’t worried, though that didn’t mean she wanted to get into the matters that worried her.

Kelly kind of felt like a jerk for pouting that her mom had wanted to meet Carrie so much. If she hadn’t been so caught up in her own feelings and insecurities, she would have been more careful about their talk of family. “No, it’s fine, Carrie. Trust me; my mom will tell you the story anyway, but if you ask her about what she thought, she’ll be serious. I know it’s scary to think about telling your family about us. Maybe they won’t be jumping for joy at first, but they’ll come around though, like my mom did.” Kelly mentally cursed herself out when she saw Carrie’s posture stiffen. “I’m not pushing or trying to make us more serious than we are. I’m only saying all this because, well, you’re my girlfriend and you’re upset.” Kelly winced and decided that they had to have the girlfriend talk at the next convenient time, hopefully, before she tried to reassure Carrie again.

Carrie debated how to reply for a few moments, although she continued with their walk to the house. She wanted to keep their conversation simple. They hadn’t come out to Kelly’s place to get into everything; they had left so that they could spend some solid quality time together. Carrie cleared her throat as she did her best to push the thoughts about her family out of her mind. “You’re allowed to worry about me, you know? I know I can get into my head, but I don’t want you ever feeling bad for asking me how I feel. I’m all right though, so no worries.” Carrie looked at Kelly to see how her answer had gone over; unfortunately, it looked like she still had convincing to do. “Why did you backtrack like that, about the girlfriend thing? You are my girlfriend, aren’t you? I’m gonna be pretty upset if you’ve got some other girl on the side.”

If she hadn’t just completely fucked up her attempt to reassure Carrie, Kelly would have made a smartass comment. “I’m trying to be a good girlfriend. Stuff like that doesn’t come easily to me. Cut me some slack if I say retarded things or misread your silences.” She actually thought she was pretty good at reading Carrie, although Kelly did remember how she had thought Carrie was upset about her being a lesbian. Kelly shut her eyes at how she had been so melodramatic.

Carrie knew she could easily turn the conversation back to their banter from earlier. She felt like she shouldn’t though after she had gone out of her way to avoid answering Kelly about her family. “I know, Kel. I was just teasing you.” Carrie dropped Kelly’s hand so that she could slip her arm around the brunette’s waist. “Jason’s mentioned a few things about the way you treat me. Spending a lot of time with me, wanting to be around me when I’m not around, the calls… I feel the same way, so I’ll never tease you about caring for me.”

“Jason told you?” Kelly stopped walking and stared at Carrie. She didn’t know that she wanted to hear what her brother had said about her past relationships. She wanted to reassure Carrie about coming out, not scare the girl off because of her past. “Like what exactly?” Kelly didn’t think that she was a bad girlfriend, however she knew that she had personality traits that made it difficult on her relationships. Of course with her luck, Jason had decided to tell Carrie about her girlfriends, if the short relationships could be counted that seriously anyway. Kelly searched Carrie’s face for any signs of concern; it was one thing for Carrie to know she was laid back, but it was a different matter altogether if Carrie thought she would eventually stop putting effort into their relationship. “When did you guys talk about my relationships?”

Carrie kept her arm around Kelly’s waist, even though she wanted to bite her lip or curse that she had unintentionally gotten Jason in trouble. He had said that she couldn’t tell Kelly about their talks. “He was trying to reassure me that he was cool with us. He said that he likes us because you’re happy; and the calls and the like were the things he mentioned to me.” Carrie didn’t know how to take Kelly’s mixed expression, so she continued to try to get Jason out of trouble and to smooth over everything. “Kelly, he didn’t say anything bad. The only thing similar to that was that he thinks you were a bonehead when you flirted with a girl at a party, but we weren’t together then. I really think he was trying to just reassure me.”

Kelly blinked a few times as she tried to figure out what girl she had flirted with that Jason knew about; it kinda sucked that her brother thought she would do that when she was with Carrie. “Are you talking about that time after our first date?” Kelly knew she shouldn’t hold on to the comment, but she wanted to know. “Because I haven’t flirted in forever, that’s just not me. I told you that when you told me about your exes.” Kelly thought that Carrie knew that she didn’t mess around with people’s feelings, otherwise, Carrie wouldn’t be with her now. She would have to hurt Jason though if he had put any doubts into Carrie’s head.

Carrie briefly nodded before she leaned in and softly kissed Kelly. “It doesn’t matter what he thinks though, because I know we weren’t together when it happened. You know he thinks that we’ve been together since like the moment you got to Nashville.” Carrie smiled and slipped her other arm around Kelly. “Aw, come on, I totally saw the beginning of a smile.” She struggled not to laugh when Kelly shook her head and smiled. “I’m sorry that I didn’t correct him. I just didn’t know what to say. Does it matter anyway that he thinks you flirted? I mean he must think I’m a big ol’ baby for keeping us a secret for so long.” Carrie knew her words weren’t wholly truthful; she only wanted to make Kelly feel better.

“He doesn’t think that.” Kelly took a deep breath to give herself a moment. She knew that it would only be fair if she told Carrie about her past relationships even though Carrie didn’t have any doubts about her. It was a conversation they needed to have anyway, and she thought that it was the right time to share her coming out experiences with Carrie, since the younger girl did doubt that matter. “If there’s one thing about Jason that I will never doubt, other than that he loves me, it’s that he would never judge you for keeping us a secret. He was there for me when I came out, he could have been a total jackass, but he wasn’t. When I lost friends, he was there. He-” Kelly stopped for a second as her eyes watered a little at the memories. Jason could occasionally be a huge pain in the ass, but he and Ashley had always been there to support her. She knew Jason would do the same for Carrie.

“I know Jason likes me. I’m just really horrible at being funny today.” Carrie hugged Kelly harder when the other girl told her to stop kidding around. She was relieved that Kelly wasn’t upset with Jason, but she also wanted to hold Kelly and stop the conversation. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it, Kel. Let’s get inside and talk later.” Carrie rubbed Kelly’s back with one of her hands, even though Kelly did look more in control than a few moments ago. She would feel like a jerk if Kelly cried. “You have an amazing family, and you are so great, just so special, Kelly. I know that. We don’t have to get into this right now if you don’t want to; I want us to just have a good time.”

Kelly didn’t agree with Carrie; she thought that they did need to talk about it right now, especially if Carrie was worried about the Underwoods’ reactions. “We should talk now about all of this and our families.” Kelly pulled away from Carrie and took the other girl by the hand. She led them over to a nearby tree so that they could sit in the shade while she composed her thoughts. She didn’t pay much attention as they took a seat underneath the tree; she just tried to figure out a way to simplify a complicated thing, so Carrie could see that it wouldn’t be a huge deal in the long run. Her problem was that it was a huge deal; it was why she kept saying the wrong things to Carrie. She wished that she could lie and say that no one would have a problem with them dating, and that Carrie wouldn’t lose any friends, but she couldn’t. She also couldn’t not say anything when she knew that Carrie was the type of person that needed a frame of reference, her experiences, to decide where and when it would be okay for Carrie to tell people.

Carrie picked at the grass near her feet while Kelly thought. She wouldn’t try to put off the conversation, although she didn’t want to talk about it at all. Part of her wanted to learn more about Kelly, but there was a bigger part of her that didn’t want to know if it had been hard on Kelly to come out. She didn’t want to think about losing her family or friends, and it pissed her off that she felt that way at all. She wasn’t a kid anymore. She was a famous singer who people depended on for their jobs. She hated feeling like she could lose everything in a moment. Carrie tour out a patch of grass and glared at it for a moment. She knew that it shouldn’t matter what other people thought, but it did matter. The press was nothing, but she wasn’t the kind of person that could ignore what her family and friends thought of her.

Carrie let the blades of grass fall out of her hand as she blocked out all the things she didn’t want to think about. She reached out to pull some more grass and thought about Ace. She missed him. She didn’t know what she had been thinking when she had decided to leave her dog with Matt for so long. She knew Ace would ten times worse about begging for people food when she got home. As she dropped the grass, Carrie remembered why she had left Ace; he would so get lost chasing a ball on Kelly’s land. She stared at the open space and was struck by the silence around her; from Kelly. It hit Carrie at that moment that Kelly was taking their talk very seriously, and that she needed to do the same. “Tell me when you realized you liked girls.” Carrie had never asked Kelly the question; she thought it was a good starting point though.

Kelly was grateful that Carrie had asked a question because her mind had already gone off in ten different directions to start the conversation. She wouldn’t have started with when she had figured out she was gay, but if that was what Carrie wanted to hear… Kelly straightened up and brushed off some grass that had gotten onto the leg of her pants. “It wasn’t like I just suddenly realized I liked girls one day. I never really thought about guys or girls if I’m being honest. I was always more interested in singing than in boyfriends or school.” Kelly didn’t want to talk about her childhood, especially with the way Carrie was watching her, but it was part of the story. “Singing was my dream. I was convinced that if I could get out of Texas and make it singing, then I wouldn’t need someone since I would be happy. I know that’s dumb, but at the time that was how I felt. I thought,” Kelly paused for a moment as she remembered her high school days. “All my friends in high school had boyfriends, and I didn’t. I didn’t get it when they talked about their boyfriends like it was life or death if they couldn’t meet up with them or whatever. The only way I could relate to that was when I thought about never getting out and singing. I literally thought that if I didn’t leave I would just be like all of them, getting married within a few years of graduating, having kids soon after; and I wasn’t going to do that. I already saw what that did to my family.”

Carrie didn’t say a word as Kelly spoke. She knew the basics about Kelly’s childhood; partly from news, some from Kelly, so she didn’t want to interrupt. She did wonder how it all fit into Kelly being a lesbian, because other than the not dating boys thing, she wasn’t sure how it all worked. Carrie debated if she needed to let Kelly know that she wasn’t following the seemingly unrelated topics. She wouldn’t say that the way Kelly talked confused her, usually it was the way that Kelly jumped from topic to topic that confused her. “So you believed that you needed to leave Texas so that what happened to your parents wouldn’t happen to you?” When Kelly nodded at her, Carrie felt a little more confident and spoke up again. “And you weren’t dating because of that and it would only stop you from leaving if you got involved with someone?”

Kelly half-heartedly smiled at Carrie’s logical deductions. She wanted to tell Carrie that the other girl was only partially right, but the fact that Carrie was thinking through the emotions she had experienced made her hold back. “Yeah, that was one of the main reasons I would tell people when they asked me why I didn’t date really. Everyone knew how much I was into music so it wasn’t too strange that I wasn’t as into boys.” As Carrie considered her words, Kelly smiled at the cute look of consternation that creased the blonde’s brows. She knew Carrie would put it all together, and she liked that by stopping every so often, that Carrie could draw conclusions and relate it to the younger girl’s own experiences with guys.

“But really it was because you don’t like guys?” Carrie hesitantly broached her assumption since Kelly had clarified the random information about the older girl’s childhood. “But you didn’t know that because you hadn’t dated?” Carrie wanted to get to the part of the story where Kelly was attracted to someone, or when Kelly had told people about being a lesbian, because she could barely handle her own questions about her sexuality, let alone figure out Kelly’s.

“Partly.” At the time, Kelly hadn’t really thought about why she didn’t date; she really had thought it was because she wanted to be a singer so badly. “I didn’t know that though until years later.” She wanted to mention that Ashley, and some of her older friends, had thought that her lack of dating in high school made sense once she had come out; it had been easy for them to see it years later. It hadn’t been so easy for Kelly to see though. “I went out to California after high school to try to break into the business, and during that time I did date. None of my relationships lasted long because of my jobs and, well, I didn’t really know what I was doing for awhile.”

Carrie leaned back on her hands while she listened to Kelly talk about the first few relationships. The pairings sounded like any other first attempts at dating. The only weird thing about the start of Kelly’s dating life was that it began later than most other people. Carrie watched Kelly and thought about her own experiences before she reached college. She had dated, and she honestly thought that most of her boyfriends had been good guys. “It’s funny to think about that when you were just starting out, I was already looking for the kind of person that I knew I wanted.” Carrie wouldn’t say that she had dated around, but by Kelly’s standards for their ages, she was the more experienced one.

Kelly grinned at Carrie’s claim; it was funny to hear Carrie so amused by the blonde’s maturity. “I guess I should be glad that you couldn’t find that person, and not laugh because you already knew what kind of person worked for you romantically.” Kelly chuckled to herself, though she became serious again when Carrie reached out and held her hand. “I guess the next big thing was after Idol?” She thought it over for a moment to try to remember if she was forgetting anything important, although she self-consciously laughed when Carrie stared at her. “What?”

“Are you saying that you didn’t have a serious relationship until after you were like twenty?” Carrie was too surprised to try to figure out how old Kelly must have been exactly. “Really?” When she was twenty, Carrie had dated three men seriously. Even with Kelly beginning to date a few years late, it still seemed like a long time to Carrie. “I don’t get that. Is that part of the lesbian thing?”

Kelly tried not to frown at Carrie’s word choice. She knew her girlfriend didn’t mean anything. She reminded herself that it was a good thing Carrie asked her the questions. “I’d like to say that it was because part of me realized I like girls, but it wasn’t really.” Kelly cleared her throat when the shocked look on Carrie’s face didn’t change. “I’ve always been focused on my singing, Carrie. So I didn’t see the sense in dating when I got more out of working towards my dream. Especially after Idol, I mean I was trying to figure out what to do, the last thing on my mind was finding a guy.”

Carrie hadn’t noticed at first, but she realized that she had said something wrong when it became clear that Kelly was avoiding eye contact. “Hey.” Carrie moved closer and held onto Kelly’s hand a bit more strongly. “I didn’t mean anything. You know how it is, people expect for us to get married young. It’s just throwing me for a loop. Tell me about your serious relationships. I can’t wait to hear how you handled those and your career.” Carrie was interested in spite of the fact that she already knew how those went. Kelly’s late teens and early twenties differed from her own, so she was curious to see if the difference held true.

Kelly had to smile at the easy joke about their job and dating. She still felt like Carrie didn’t understand where she was coming, and that meant that she would have to be more open about her experiences. “Well, it wasn’t until I met a guy that was,” Kelly paused for a moment as she tried to think of a way to describe probably her most positive influential relationship with a guy. She had loved him in a way, but it hadn’t been the right way. “He was so into music. He could do it all.” Kelly had to smile when she remembered being serenaded with an original song by her boyfriend. “We clicked instantly about music, and I just wanted to be around him, to tell him all things I thought about singing that my friends don’t understand. And he got it; he knew what I felt. I remember thinking, okay, this is what everyone’s been talking out about when they meet a guy and talk about how great he is and that instant connection.”

Carrie pursed her lips so that she didn’t smile. She was happy to see that Kelly was smiling again, but she couldn’t get happy over some guy that Kelly had dated because obviously it hadn’t ended well; it couldn’t have because of Kelly’s sexuality. Carrie didn’t want to think about how much it must have hurt Kelly to lose someone who had come so close to sharing something special with the other girl. “So it was good? I mean, it sounds like you met someone who was pretty perfect for you.”

“Yeah, it was good. He is a really great guy.” Kelly looked down at the ground remorsefully; the guy and she weren’t friends any longer. She didn’t blame him for their lack of friendship though; he had deserved more than she could give him. “Graham got it when I needed time on my own, because he needed the same with his music. We would see each other when we had breaks in our schedule… he was great, he never pushed me when I would retreat. He just… he was really understanding about my fears because of my parents, just everything.” Kelly took a deep breath and reminded herself that even though she had hurt him, it had been for the best. He never would have been happy with her, and she hadn’t been able to let him in completely.

Carrie waited for Kelly to continue; she needed Kelly to talk again because she had a feeling she knew how the relationship had ended after the way Kelly had described Graham. She watched Kelly for a couple seconds, and then she had to speak. She couldn’t let Kelly get upset over something that was over. “He loved you.” Carrie didn’t voice her thoughts, that Kelly hadn’t been in love. She had noticed it when Kelly had spoken of retreating; it was something about Kelly’s dating life that she could understand easily thanks to Jason.

Kelly looked up at Carrie’s statement; she wondered if there was something wrong with her that she hadn’t realized the same. She knew that there was no way she could have realized her feelings weren’t as strong as his; whether it was because of her inexperience or the fact that there was no way she could have fallen in love with him, it still made her wish that she had figured out her feelings. “He was in love with me, but I wasn’t in love with him. I thought I was. I thought we were supposed to be able to talk like friends, be able to be apart for long periods of time and be fine with that, I was wrong though. It was almost a year into our relationship when everything started to fall apart. Graham wanted us to spend more time together, and I didn’t understand why the distance was bothering him. We started to fight when we did find time together. I would want to go write or go out with friends, and he would want to cuddle or make love. Finally, it got to the point where he said things needed to change, that he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life being an after thought when he wanted us to be more-”

Carrie’s eyes went wide when she realized why Kelly looked so sad. “He wanted to get married?” She couldn’t believe that the guy had wanted to marry Kelly, but she also couldn’t believe that he had given up. When it had come down to it, she had gone for it with Kelly despite her uncertainty; so she could understand the marriage thing, but she still couldn’t quite believe that Kelly’s first boyfriend had wanted to marry her. It was practically the relationship Kelly had tried to avoid from the start. She could see Kelly breaking up with Graham because of the marriage thing, add in the gay thing… “Is that what made you realize you liked girls?”

Kelly wished that she had figured it out then, it probably would have made the break up hurt less. “Not exactly. I freaked. I told him that he was moving too fast, that I was only twenty two and I was just starting out in my career, that I was happy with what we had. He said it wasn’t enough and that he was in love with me. We fought about everything, and it made me see that even though I liked being with him, that there was something missing. I felt so bad for him. But it also made me wonder what I was doing dating. How was I supposed to be with someone if I was scared of ending up in a relationship like my parents’? I began to wonder what was wrong with me because according to all my friends we were perfect together.” Kelly laced her fingers through Carrie’s and stared at their hands. She knew she could be messing up her chances with Carrie, or she could be sharing information that Carrie needed to put everything into perspective. “We broke up, and I felt bad, I did, but not like I should have. I was relieved because by that point I was happy to have the pressure gone.”

Carrie was confused by the pressure comment for a second, but it didn’t take her long to relate it back to Kelly’s unwillingness to date. “I’m sorry.” She wasn’t sure what to say really. Carrie knew that Kelly wouldn’t have been happy, but she could see that Kelly was upset with how the relationship had ended. “I don’t think- Kelly, he took a big risk, but think about what it says about you, about how he felt for you.” Carrie reached out and brushed back some of Kelly’s hair so that she could see the other girl’s face. She just needed to touch Kelly, to reassure her girlfriend in some way since she knew Kelly was only talking about all of this for her. “He loved you enough to tell you how he felt. People can say that you have issues with relationships, but he thought he could tell you. That’s huge. Your first serious relationship was, well it sounds like you made up for lost time, but you were there enough for him to feel like he could take that chance. It was just unfortunate that you didn’t feel the same.” Carrie felt her heart drop a little when Kelly teared up. “No, no, that was a compliment. The only reason you couldn’t is because you’re gay. I mean, that’s not bad.” Carrie pulled Kelly close and wrapped her arms around the brunette. “Whether you knew or not at that point, you loved him enough to break up with him.”

“It’s not that simple and you know it.” Kelly hid her face against Carrie’s shoulder. She didn’t want to cry; she felt like she could cry about the situation all over again though, and it sucked. “I hurt him. I hurt him so much that he can’t be friends with me. And the worst part is that I didn’t figure it out then, and when I did figure it out, I couldn’t tell him because he was still so hurt.” Kelly lost it and began to cry when Carrie said that maybe she could tell him now. She had thought about contacting her ex; it just seemed silly and selfish to interrupt his life when he had moved on from her. Kelly voiced her thoughts while Carrie comforted her; it felt good to tell someone about the guilt she felt whenever she thought about her ex.

Carrie held Kelly and stroked the brunette’s hair until Kelly calmed down. If she didn’t count Tony and Bryan, she hadn’t dated jerks, but she couldn’t say that she had ever felt badly about when her past relationships had ended. “It’s all right. Graham’s a good guy right? I’m sure he’s fine now.” Carrie continued to reassure Kelly until the shorter girl’s tears stopped completely. “You remember that movie you made me watch? The one with the princess and the boy that loved her?”

Kelly sniffled and pulled back from their embrace so that she could see Carrie’s face. “What does that have to do with this?” Kelly wiped her eyes, and then she hugged Carrie again. She didn’t feel like crying any longer because of Carrie, although she really hoped her girlfriend wasn’t about to joke.

Carrie couldn’t believe what she was about to say, but she was pretty sure she needed to say it for Kelly. “They loved each other. They battled against all those obstacles, and in the end, they got to be together. Think of the break up like that. Your ex might have been sad over the end of your relationship, but now he can find the girl who is his true love. Maybe he’s already found her, Kelly. He could be really happy, and that’s because of you.” Carrie felt incredibly stupid for saying something so sappy, at least she did until Kelly smiled and looked at her hopefully.

Kelly just stared at Carrie for the unexpected words. Logically she knew that what Carrie said was right; there was no way that her ex hadn’t moved on already, it had been years after all. She hadn’t thought that Carrie would say it in such a nice way though, or that the blonde would even think of referencing the movie. “I can’t believe you said that, or that you’re not trying to play it off on the fact that you hated the movie so much it’s stuck in your head.” Kelly glanced down for a second so that she could take Carrie’s hand in her own, but then she immediately looked at her girlfriend. “You’re right, and I swear I don’t cry every time I think of him, it’s just hard to talk about that time in my life every now and then.”

“I know, it’s- it’s all of this, thinking when you realized you like women, how much you went through and,” Carrie could understand how upset Kelly had been, and still was sometimes apparently, because she felt the same currently. She didn’t cry a lot, but there were times when she just wanted to find a quiet corner and cry until her brain stopped working. “I get it. I get that you feel guilty over him because you feel like you could have handled it better. I feel like that. I feel like I should be doing more, that I should be telling my friends about us.”

The situations weren’t quite the same, but Kelly was glad that at the very least Carrie would think about coming to her now when it all got to be too much. “That’s not what I want. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I’m telling you all of this so that you know I’ve been through the same thing. I promised I would be here for you, and I will be. I know it’s all fucked up right now. I know you’re scared of losing everyone, that you already lost people you thought were friends because of your career, but it was different with them. You could tell yourself that you didn’t need them in your life because they weren’t really your friends. You can’t do that with family or real friends. It’s not going to be all right one day. You’re not going to wake up with the answers… but you’ll have me.”

Carrie could barely meet the earnest gaze directed at her, though she did because she wouldn’t turn away. She wanted to get up and run back to Kelly’s house, anything to get away from the loving look Kelly was giving her. Everything made sense; the looks from the other girl, their closeness, but it scared her that she could become so upset by seeing Kelly distraught. Carrie hated that she could barely stop herself from saying that she loved Kelly. The timing was wrong, they weren’t ready, she wasn’t ready. Carrie let go of Kelly’s hand and quickly moved so that she was sitting behind Kelly. She swallowed back the inclination to answer the questioning looks Kelly had given her, and then she wrapped her arms around Kelly from behind. “I want to hear the rest. I need to hear it; I want to know you better.”

Kelly didn’t question Carrie’s seating change; she just leaned back and let herself rest against the taller girl. She didn’t need an acknowledgment of her promise because she was positive that there was no doubt in Carrie’s mind any longer. “Like I said, when we broke up I felt terrible, but I was glad to have the pressures of a relationship off of me. I started to think about what I was doing with my life, and I realized I just wanted to spend time with my friends and work on my music.” Kelly started to play idly with Carrie’s fingers as she thought about some of the fun times. “It was probably eight months or something after Graham that my friends started to encourage me to date again. It was my own fault really since I didn’t even try to hide that I was happy to be single. It was like I was right back in high school. People were asking why I wasn’t upset, and if I wasn’t upset why didn’t I want to date? It was all just really… hard. I ignored it though, and just tried to have fun.”

Carrie folded her hands on Kelly’s stomach and let her chin rest on top of Kelly’s head. “The thing about your parents wasn’t a good enough reason anymore?” She had her share of friends that had been with her since college, and while her career caused them to be separated, it didn’t mean that she forgot about her friends’ issues. Carrie could see how Kelly’s friends would try to get the brunette to face the fear, especially once Kelly had been in a serious relationship for over a year. “How many times did they try to set you up?”

Kelly momentarily laughed at Carrie’s question because it was accurate. “Too many times, so I started going out with guys again. Their questions stayed with me though, and I would end the relationships if the guy didn’t get fed up with my schedule first. I either didn’t think about the guys, or I just spent most of my time wondering why I didn’t feel anything for them.” Kelly thought about the countless times she and her friends had gone out to clubs; she had watched people, tried to find a guy that she found attractive, and just plain forgot about the times she had admired a girl instead of a guy on the outings. “My friends were satisfied that I was trying, but really I was dating the guys because it wasn’t the guys that I checked out at clubs, it was the girls.”

Carrie wanted to move so that she could see Kelly’s face, but she didn’t want to interrupt the story now. “Like check out, check out? Or more like you wanted to experiment?” Carrie couldn’t count the number of times she had seen two girls making out at a sorority or frat party on her hands. She hadn’t participated in any of the said make out sessions, but she knew that a night of alcohol could end up with interesting results.

“It was more like I was noticing them. At first it was the clothes, and then it was the way a girl danced.” Kelly wanted to roll her eyes at her obliviousness, although it wasn’t like she had been raised to think that admiring a girl was wrong. “I didn’t think anything of it, you know. How many times in high school did you wish that you could have hair like a girl you knew?” Kelly craned her neck so that she could see Carrie; she wanted an answer. She wasn’t trying to make any connections to Carrie’s past, she just wanted to point out that she hadn’t been aware at the time.

“Uh, a couple times, I guess? I don’t know. I mean, yeah, you know when another girl is pretty or dressed well, but I never checked out girls.” Carrie playful frowned when Kelly grinned at her. “Isn’t this supposed to be about you? Tell me about these girls you were noticing while dancing with those poor boys that never stood a chance.” She did want to know since she hadn’t thought about how good looking Kelly was until after she had realized she had feelings for her girlfriend.

Kelly laughed at Carrie’s impatience and tried to remember where she had been at in her story. “Right, checking out girls. I really didn’t think anything of it, like most people wouldn’t at first, I imagine. I was never afraid to dance with my friends, but they were my friends, so there weren’t any weird feelings going on there. I think the first time I gave it any thought was when a girl came on to me in a club. Like it had happened before then, but I hadn’t been questioning myself before… and she was hot.” Kelly giggled as Carrie laughed at her. She had purposefully paused to make it funnier for her girlfriend. “Hush, I know you like the guy talk, but we’re trying to be serious.”

“Aye, aye.” Carrie chuckled quietly and kissed Kelly’s cheek when the older girl laughed at her cheap crack. She had a really funny joke about how the scenario Kelly was describing to her sounded pretty familiar; she didn’t want to get hit though, so she kept it to herself.

Kelly pulled one of Carrie’s hands from her stomach and held onto it despite the fact that she could still feel Carrie chuckling. “Anyway, it was just the right time I guess. She asked me to dance, and I don’t know what it was exactly about her, if it was her confidence or what, but I did go dance with her. We ended up dancing most of the night. It was fun, much more fun than when I danced with guys or friends, but I just put it down to me having one too many drinks.” Kelly lightly slapped Carrie’s leg when Carrie laughed at her. “I’m trying to be serious here.”

“I’m sorry, but if you knew how many times I’ve heard a girl say that, you would understand why I’m laughing.” Carrie might not have had any clubs to go to when she had lived in Checotah, or gone to many during her college years; however, her softball and sorority parties seemed to have been on the same level. “I had friends on the softball team who were straight, but when we would have parties, there was always one of them who would end up making out with a girl and claim that it was because they drank too much.”

Kelly didn’t know how Carrie hadn’t realized that she had feelings for girls before her. “Unless you are about to tell me that you were one of those girls, I really think we should get back to my story.”

Carrie chuckled and hugged Kelly tightly for a moment, unable to keep her comment to herself this time. “You’d love that wouldn’t you.”

“Carrie!” Kelly smacked Carrie’s leg again for the comment. “Matt’s not even here and you’re acting like this is a total guy convo.”

“Okay, okay.” Carrie took a deep breath and reminded herself that she had to quit joking around. “I’ll be good, no more comments. I want to hear about you and the girl you danced the night away with.”

Kelly took Carrie’s hand in her own again once she was sure the other girl wouldn’t make another joke. “All right, but you’re going to be disappointed because nothing happened with her. I went home with my friends. Although after that night I did start to notice girls more often. I didn’t know what to think. I thought maybe I was curious. I didn’t do anything about it though because I couldn’t even get dating a guy right, so there was no way I was going to announce to everyone that I thought I might like girls. I kept the thoughts to myself and continued to date a guy every now and then. They kept coming back to me though, and I didn’t want to figure out what it all meant. I ended up dating the guy that cheated on me.”

Carrie frowned at the idea of someone cheating on Kelly. She hoped that this guy was the catalyst for Kelly figuring out the gay thing, because she didn’t know if she could sit through the story if it wasn’t. “Guys suck. I don’t care if you already told me that you had someone cheat on you, I still don’t like it. If I ever run into him, he better run fast.”

Kelly turned around and cupped Carrie’s face with one hand. “You’re so sweet, but no.” She snickered when Carrie grumbled, although she hurriedly kissed Carrie’s pout before the blonde could make another overprotective comment. “He’s an ass, so there’s no need to get all cocky, and trust me it’s not like I’d have ever gone back to him, even if I was straight.”

Carrie kept her mouth shut because she knew Kelly wouldn’t like her response. She might not want to get revenge on her exes who had cheated, that didn’t mean that she thought it wasn’t all right to stick up for her friends, or Kelly. “Whatever, tell me about your jackass ex.” The jackass ex that she would so go ask Jason about, Carrie silently amended her sentence. Jason would be all for telling her about this guy.

“He’s a musician, kinda cute. We had the music thing going on, so I decided to go out with him. I thought that he’d be the perfect boyfriend. He was around enough for to keep my mind of my growing attraction to girls, but not enough to make me feel trapped. Turns out that wasn’t a good thing.” Kelly was tempted to turn around to see the look on Carrie’s face since the grip around her stomach had tightened with her last sentence. She didn’t though, she squeezed Carrie’s hand and continued before they could get off track again. “I found out he had gotten back with his ex, that the last three months that we were together he had been dating her, just a bunch of stuff I don’t want to get into.” The only reason she didn’t want to get into the details was that she knew Carrie would get pissed, and she didn’t want to spend the night trying to get Carrie back into a good mood like she’d had to do after the thing with Hayden.

“I was angry that he had cheated on me and strung me along, obviously because I wrote songs about it; the thing was that was all I felt. I wasn’t hurt that he liked this other girl better. I wasn’t upset at all like I had been when Graham and I broke up.” Kelly pushed Carrie’s arms away from her so that she could turn around and face Carrie completely. She wanted to be able to see into Carrie’s eyes when she talked about the rest. “I was like, what the hell was I doing with him? Why was I wasting my time when there were people I had actually been attracted to out there? I wouldn’t say I was afraid about liking girls, but after him, I wasn’t going to go out with anybody until I figured what it was that I wanted.”

Carrie nodded her head a couple times; she had done the same thing after her first few boyfriends. “And that’s when you let yourself figure it out?” She didn’t think that she was being presumptuous at all. If anything, she thought that she was reacting very well since she still wanted to find Jason and get the info on this guy. “How long after did you tell Jason and Ashley?”

Kelly absently let her hand rest on Carrie’s knee as she considered how much to tell. “I didn’t tell them until I was sure. I mean when I told them, I said that I thought I was a lesbian, but that was only because I wasn’t sure about coming out.” When Carrie just gave her a confused look for her answer, Kelly knew that she would have to get into the more hurtful details. “I had already gone out with two girls before I told them; they weren’t anything serious, just a few dates. I just wanted to be sure in case I lost either of them.” Kelly looked down at the space in between them as she waited for some kind of reaction from Carrie. She had a feeling that their conversation wasn’t going to be sidelined by jokes any longer.

Carrie knew she was supposed to say something, and she wanted to do so, however this was what she had wanted to avoid the entire time. She really thought that what she had admitted earlier should count for this part of their conversation. “You didn’t lose them though. Ashley is being dumb right now, but you haven’t lost her.” Carrie wasn’t about to talk about her doubts after everything that Kelly had told her. She felt like whatever she said would come out wrong.

It wasn’t the exchange of feelings that she had thought she would get, which unfortunately meant that Kelly had to keep going. “You’re right, I didn’t lose them. They supported me from the start. It was because of them that I was able to tell my mom a few months later, and they kept me together when she screamed and left my house when I told her. I needed them, and they were there.” Kelly had already hinted that her mother had reacted badly, and while she had hoped to get through the conversation with only talking about Jason and her friends; she knew she couldn’t leave it at that, not until Carrie knew that her mom had come around fairly quickly.

Carrie couldn’t imagine Jeanne getting angry with Kelly, but it wasn’t like Kelly would lie to her about something so serious. She also couldn’t imagine her family ever disowning her, at least, she couldn’t until she had started to date Kelly. “She came around though, she couldn’t have been too upset with you. I bet she came back right away.” Carrie couldn’t look at Kelly. She didn’t want to see if her words were wishful thinking. She just wanted to hear Kelly tell her that she was right.

“No, she didn’t come back right away. She left, went back to her home. I didn’t hear from her for months even though I was on vacation and had the time to talk everything through with her. She wouldn’t talk to Jason either.” Kelly abruptly stopped when Carrie looked at her. She knew she had just Carrie’s worst fear, but she couldn’t take it back. “My mother still didn’t like that I was gay, but she started calling again because of Jason. It wasn’t easy, Carrie. I didn’t see my mother for six months. I thought that she hated me. I thought I would never have her hug me again, but I was wrong.” Kelly swallowed back her own feelings when she realized that she had made Carrie cry; that hadn’t been her intention at all. “She got it over it though, with phone calls, and emails. There were times we had to yell at each other on the phone, but we got through it. Your parents aren’t going to get it at first either. They’ll come around though.”

Carrie got up to her feet and walked away a few feet because she didn’t want to cry or have Kelly see her crying. She didn’t think she could handle it if her family reacted like Kelly’s mom. At the same time though she couldn’t get when they had first arrived at Kelly’s house out of her head. The whole conversation was too much and not enough. She wouldn’t get the reassurance she needed from Kelly because she needed it from her family. “I love that you’re trying to make me feel better about this, but it’s- it’s not going to change it, Kelly. I could have everybody behind me, but I would still worry about my parents and my sisters.”

Kelly had remained on the ground in case Carrie wanted to return, although she got up when she thought about how Carrie was reacting. The other girl was too private to loose control in front of her when everything was so complicated. Kelly walked over to Carrie and gently touched the blonde’s back. When Carrie didn’t pull away, she moved closer and hugged Carrie with one arm. She didn’t want to crowd Carrie, but she wouldn’t leave her girlfriend to cry alone. “I cried when I first told Jason and Ashley. It’s okay to be scared, I know that doesn’t go away until you know for sure that they’re still gonna love you. But what’s going on now, you missing time with them, that’s not any better. I’m not trying to push you, but it’s not going to get easier to tell them. Trust me.”

Part of Carrie knew that Kelly was right; however, the side that was winning thought that it was better to have them still love her and not know the truth. “I do trust you… I’m just not ready. There’s things I have to figure out still.” Carrie brusquely wiped her eyes, and then she faced Kelly. She looked at the smaller girl to see if Kelly was disappointed in her; the only thing she saw in Kelly’s eyes was concern for her. “It means a lot to me that you could tell me everything. I need to think about all of it though. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. I just need some time to sort this out. Can we shelve this discussion for a while?”

Kelly hugged Carrie and then separated herself from the other girl. “Of course, we didn’t come out here to get into such a heavy topic. Whenever you want to talk about it again though, I’ll listen. I don’t care if I’m about to go on stage.” Kelly paused and looked deeply into Carrie’s eyes so that there wouldn’t be any misunderstanding about how important Carrie’s feelings were to her. “I’ll be there for you.”

Carrie took Kelly by the hand and started back to the house. She hadn’t meant to make Kelly back off from her completely; if anything she wanted Kelly around her now that she felt like she was beginning to think clearly and felt more in control of her emotions. “We needed to get back in anyway.” Carrie glanced at Kelly and smiled. “It’s hot as hell out here.” She tried to cheer herself up with the thought that at least the next time she started to think about the subject, she could talk to Kelly. Kelly’s past wasn’t what she was going through, but there were important parallels that they could talk about when she felt ready.

Kelly hadn’t planned on the way their tour had gone, and at the moment all she wanted to do was make Carrie feel better. She could give Carrie time to work through all the things she had said. “What did you think; it’s Texas in the middle of summer.” Kelly tightened her grip on Carrie’s hand at the reminder. She couldn’t be happier that they could spend the time together.

Carrie smiled, more than a little relieved that the discussion was over for the time being. “I didn’t think it’d be so hot since the sun’s about to go down.” Carrie kicked up some dirt and ignored Kelly’s laughter. “You laugh, but it won’t be funny if I pass out.”

“If you didn’t pack right, you’re more than welcome to walk around in your skivvies.” Kelly giggled quietly and hoped that Carrie would agree.

Carrie laughed loudly because she hadn’t expected the comment. “You would love that, wouldn’t you?”

Kelly nodded unrepentantly as she tugged Carrie closer with their joined hands. “Yes I would, and I’d totally do the same.” She stopped herself from saying that she liked to walk around the house without any kind of clothing on when she saw the blush on Carrie’s face.

“Yeah, cuz I’m so irresistible.” Carrie hated that she was blushing, but she wouldn’t quit joking and flirting with Kelly. She liked it when they could let go of everything and just focus on themselves and how they felt for each other. “Admit it.”

Kelly failed to hold in her laughter and ended up bumping into Carrie briefly, which only made Carrie claim to be right. “I so don’t see where they get that whole cocky thing. You’re just so shy and unassuming.” The answering grin on Carrie’s face made Kelly give up on making the blonde blush again, so she dropped Carrie’s hand and ran for the house, all the while ignoring Carrie’s calls for her to come back.
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