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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

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Author's Comment: The final chapter! *cries* I don’t want it to end! :((( I’m going to miss writing this fic so much! :(((((( As this chapter is going to be very long, this time you get the first half of it :P The rest of the final chapter is almost finished as well and be up soon ^^

--- the 28th of February, 2009 ---

„Fucking bastards” I mutter for the hundredth time today.
I already broke two cups and three plates during the last two days. And one plate was smashed into the kitchen wall on purpose. Now there’s a little dent on the wall – the paint has peeled slightly at that place. But I don’t give a damn about some stupid kitchen wall or my dishes!
I look at the calendar on the wall, right beside the dent I made and my hands clench into fists involuntarily.
28th of February, 2009.
I marked this day with a red marker. I don’t even know why, but I still did. It’s been only two days after that, but I still boil with anger inside.
They fucking did it! I still can’t believe they did it!
They came here with two doctors and took Kyo away! They reclaimed my status of an official Kyo’s guardian and sent him to the institution again.
I don’t think I’ll be able to even look at their direction calmly ever again!
“Fucking bastards!”
For two days I haven’t seen Kyo or even heard his voice. His parents have the right to set the visitor’s list and I was marked as an exception – in no way I was to be let near Kyo while he was there.
“Shit!”
I light myself a cigarette and sit down. I have to try to calm down. It’s not the end of the world. Kyo still had just some months until total recovery would be officially announced and we’ll see each other again then.
But… this is just so fucking unfair…
I rub the temples with my fingers and close my eyes for a moment.
This is like a nightmare.
I still take two cups when I make tea. I still take two plates when I prepare dinner.
I feel so horrible, like I’m physically sick. Kyo was taken away from me. Taken away from me for no reason. Shit, I can barely sleep! I’m so lost now – I don’t know what to do without him!
Kyo’s sister promised to try and make her parents let me see Kyo. But to be honest, after their last visit I think I have no chance at all. And this thought is killing me. It might be months until I get a chance to see him! Maybe even a year!
“No! No!”
Even the thought itself is too hard to bear.
What the fuck should I do now? Maybe I could still try to go see him. Even if they won’t let me in, I might see Kyo somewhere on the way. Maybe he’d be outside when I would come. Or maybe I could see him through the gate if the institution has a gate, not a brick wall as his former institution. It would be enough at least to see he is all right.
For a start I could live at least with that.
Suddenly I hear my mobile ringing and I snatch it from the table. It’s Kyo’s sister.
“Hello!” I answer, my voice rising high immediately.
“Hey, Kaoru.”
“Kyo?! Kyo, it’s you?!”
“Yes, Kaoru. Calm down, will you.”
“Are you all right, Kyo?! How are you?!”
“I’m fine, Kaoru. Pissed of as never before, but I’m fine.”
“God, Kyo, I… When will they let you out? What did they tell you? How are you feeling? Did they put you among the crazy ones again?”
“Calm down, Kaoru, please! I’m fine! Actually it looks more like a normal hospital than a mental institution. I’m in a section where the least crazy ones are. I already found a few people that I can actually talk to, even though I could so see that they recognized me and were dying to ask me questions.”
It was heaven hearing his voice. It worked like magic to me. I already felt much calmer.
“But how are you, Kyo? Did you have any nightmares? A blackout?”
The other line is silent and I get worried again.
“Kyo? Kyo, please tell me!”
“Just a nightmare the first night I was there…”
“Kyo… where you all right? Did anyone come to sooth you?”
“Not really… I sleep in a ward together with other three people and of course I woke them up. They lit up the lamp and shook me until I came round. We agreed that we’ll leave the light at my bed turned on, so that I could calm down quicker next time. It worked.”
“Kyo…”
I’m so angry that I even don’t know what to say.
“But I’m fine, Kaoru. Really. The doctor says I’ll be out of here in a matter of months.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Yes. The doctor said I’m almost there – they just need to make sure I am really fine and can handle life on my own.”
“I can’t visit you” I blurt out. It sums up everything. I can’t see him, I can’t be with him, and thus, I can’t help him.
“I know” Kyo says and his voice sounds bitter.
We’re both silent for some time. There’s so much I want to tell him. So much to ask. But above all, I just want to see him, to hug him and make sure he really is fine.
“It’s forbidden to even make calls while I am here, so we can’t talk for too long” Kyo says. “My sis is at the door, trying to look out for somebody coming, but we might still be caught and then she’d be in trouble. But she is going to help us out as much as she can.”
“Tell her thanks from me.”
“Sure.”
A moment of silence again. I still can’t believe he’s somewhere away from me. Locked in that fucked up institution.
“Have you finally calmed down, Kaoru?”
“Yeah” I chuckle a bit. “Yeah… I’m sorry, but I just…”
“Yeah, I know…”
We keep silent again. I hear him sight on the other line and a wave of sadness washes over me. My whole body was itching for physical contact, but all I got was his voice. My longing doubled after hearing his voice again. I ached for him and it was impossibly painful.
“Kyo, what am I supposed to do now? I can’t even see you! How am I supposed to help you?!”
“I don’t need help, Kaoru. I’m fine. And this situation is just temporary. We’ll see each other soon.”
Somehow he sounds too calm for me. I try to joke to lighten the mood.
“Huh, perhaps it’s like a vacation for you! I mean, a vacation from constantly being with me 24/7!”
He keeps silent and my slight laughter dies away in an instant. Could it be that I am right?
“Maybe it’s the other way around, Kaoru” Kyo says silently.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s a vacation for you from babysitting me.”
“No, Kyo, you know it’s nothing---“
“Kaoru, just don’t start!” Kyo interrupts me and sights again. “Look, we can’t do anything in this situation as much as we hate it. We now can just grit our teeth and wait until I get released. So let’s look at this as an opportunity to rest from each other. It might be good for you, Kaoru. Maybe you’ll taste freedom and you see how much you missed during all this time. You can finally go out, meet new people---“
“I won’t do that!” this time I interrupt him guessing too well where this is going. “I already miss you terribly, Kyo, and you say this should be good for me?!”
“I’m sorry…” Kyo mutters silently.
“It’s ok, Kyo. I’m sorry too. I’m just so frustrated! All I want is for you to get back.”
Kyo keeps silent and a thought strikes me. When Kyo will be released, he’ll be released as completely sane and independent person. And he’d be moving back to his own house then. Not back to me.
“I have to go now, Kaoru. I don’t want us to get caught talking. We’d lose the only way to keep in touch if I get caught.”
“Yeah, ok…”
But I don’t want to hang up. I want to keep talking to him forever.
“Please, try to calm down, Kaoru, ok? I’m fine, really. Get some rest and we’ll talk tomorrow or the day after that. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Goodbye, Kaoru-kun.”
“Goodbye, Kyo.”
He hangs up. I slowly lower my hand and put the phone on the table.
“Have a calm night, Kyo-kun. Sleep well. I love you.”
I turn to look at the calendar on the wall and stare at it for some time.
I wish I knew the exact date when he is going to get released. I would mark it on the calendar and wait for the day to come.
I sight and reach for my phone.
I have to tell the news to Shinya and to Toshiya and Die. I know they’re waiting for my call.
They will probably drag me out drinking tonight, but actually I don’t mind. I don’t think I could stand another night in this empty apartment.
***
I ended up marking the 11th of June on my calendar. This was set up as a date of Kyo’s release. After four months of his hospitalization. Seems not much, but for me every day was like a constant battle. The only thing I could live for was Kyo’s phone calls. Kyo’s sister left him a mobile phone, but Kyo had to be very careful not to get caught. But somehow we managed.
I occupied myself with work. But I managed to do all of it much quicker than usual and was still left facing some free time. I used it to visit my parents and to meet with Toshiya, Die and Shinya more often, or hang out with the band I write music for.
Still, these were lonely and depressing days. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kyo for a slightest moment.
What he was doing, did he eat well, was he bored or not, did he have any nightmares.
I couldn’t visit him. Kyo’s parents were immovable on their decision. And I started hating them with passion.
The only thing I tried not to think of was the future.
I couldn’t stand the thought that it might actually be like this from now on. That Kyo would not come back to me, but move back to his house and live on his own from then on. Leaving me all alone. Leaving me with my love for him. Leaving me…
I tried not to think about it. There was nothing I could do now. And I promised Kyo to respect his decision. If he will want to move out and live without me, I said I would be fine with this.
I just don’t know how to make this promise reality. I don’t know how to be fine with this. If now hurts so much to be separated for some months, how more painful it would get to be separated from him forever?
I don’t want to know that. I don’t…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
11th of June, 2009
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Getting excited, Tooru-san?”
I look at the nurse and nod. She smiles at me, collects the papers from the table and hands them to me.
“Your doctor will be expecting you after a month.”
“Yes, he told me already” I nod. “We already arranged time for that.”
“Ok then” the nurse smiles brighter at me. “Then that’s all.”
“Can I already go?”
“Yes, you can.”
“Thank you for everything. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Tooru-san. Stay well!”
I nod at her and get out of the room without turning back. Outside I can see my sister waiting for me. I can’t help but run up to her and hug her tightly.
“Someone’s happy today!” she laughs, but hugs me back.
“You bet I am! I’m finally free in all ways possible! It has finally ended! I can live on my own, I can have my money and my house back, I can go where I please and do whatever I want and don’t ask anybody’s permission!”
“I’m so happy for you, Tooru!” she smiles. She really looks genuinely happy for me.
“You know what I’m going to do right away? I’m going to dye my hair blond again! I miss that color so much and I just want some significant changes in my appearance! I’m even going to get new tattoos! I always wanted to have more!”
“Wow, don’t be so rash!” she laughs.
“It’s not rash! I had four months to think about my life! It was so boring there!”
“Oh, really… What about Kaoru-san?”
I cast my eyes down avoiding her look.
“What about him?”
She suddenly grabs my hand and stops me, forcing me to look at her.
“Kaoru loves you. He really loves you so much.”
I nod.
“I know that.”
She still stares at me and I shrug my shoulders, trying to tare my arm out of her fragile grasp.
“What about you, Tooru? Don’t you love him back?”
“I love him, of course I do. We were friends for so many years and he did so much for me.”
“You know I’m not talking about that kind of love, Tooru.”
I tear my hand out of her grasp and glare at her.
“Let’s better hurry. I want to get away from this place as far as possible.”
My sister nods reluctantly and we head to her car. She starts driving and I look out the window, suddenly feeling very nervous.
I haven’t seen Kaoru for four months. It was strange to say the least to not have him near me all the time. I always missed him. Every minute passed feeling unsafe and as if lacking something very important, very crucial for my existence.
We’re now going to Kaoru’s place. All my most important things are there, so there’s no point in going elsewhere. I need to come back home to Kaoru first. My sister has already started preparing my house so that I could go back living there. I need to pack my things and in a few days, after my house would be completely prepared, I will have to move back.
I don’t know for sure what I should feel about this situation. I kind of got used to living without Kaoru now. And perhaps it would be only fair enough if I freed Kaoru from the burden I always was and set him finally free.
But the only problem is that I don’t want to do that.
I want to be selfish and keep him by my side. I need him.
I sight and close my eyes for a moment.
I haven’t seen him for four months and the longing is hard to bear now. I miss him badly. I want to see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his touch.
It feels as if we were separated for four years, not four months.
“We’ll soon be there” I hear my sister’s voice and I turn to look at her. She smiles warmly and I immediately feel better.
“Don’t worry, Tooru, everything’s going to be fine.”
I nod at her.
It has to be fine. I went through a lot during the last several years. I just hope the future will turn out to be brighter from now on and will treat me nicer than it has.
“Let’s hurry, please” I ask silently. “Kaoru is waiting.”
***
I knew there was no point in getting up early, but I still did. Not intentionally, though. I just woke up at 6:38 and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I got up, cleaned up again, even though it was already very tidy, had a shower, got dressed and made breakfast. It was only 8:04 when I found myself sitting at the kitchen table with a cigarette in my hand and waiting, with nothing else to do.
Kyo and his sister had to be here only at around 11 o’clock.
I wanted to go take Kyo myself, but his sister beat me and said she was going to do it and didn’t ask if I would like to tag along. So I decided I won’t say anything and just wait at home. And perhaps it’s better this way. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from hugging and kissing him all over when I’ll finally see him. So no point in embarrassing us both in public.
I moved to the living-room and turned the TV on. It helped me not to get impossibly bored and even more nervous.
So when the doorbell finally rang at 11:14 I was overly emotional and excited. I ran to open the door and couldn’t stop grinning like a fool when I saw Kyo at my doorstep.
“Good morning, Kaoru-san” Kyo’s sister greeted and I nodded at her quickly, but my eyes were only on Kyo.
Kyo looked healthy and fine. It was such a relief. Even though he said he was fine, I had to see him myself to make sure it was true. Kyo was smiling and looked genuinely happy.
“Hey, Kaoru-kun!”
“Kyo, I missed you so much!”
I couldn’t help but hug him. I missed him badly and I’d go crazy if I had to keep away from him for a second longer.
He hugged me back and for a moment we just stood there, in each other’s embrace. Kyo smelled so sweet to me. I could feel his breaths on my naked neck, his hair tickled my cheek and his stubs on the chin irritated my skin, his hands around me, holding tightly on my t-shirt. His whole little frame was pressed to me so tightly that I even could feel his groin pressing to my hip. It was all wonderful.
“I missed you too, Kaoru” Kyo whispers and I squeeze him harder in my embrace. I can’t find the right words to express exactly what I am feeling. But happy was at the top of the list together with relieved.
Kyo’s sister clears her throat suddenly and Kyo draws back from me reluctantly. As much as I hate it, I have to let him go too.
“Come in” I say and step back, letting them both inside. “So everything’s fine then? You’re an independent person again, Kyo?”
Kyo nods and smiles to me.
“Feels great to get my life in my own hands again.”
“I’m really happy for you, Kyo.”
“Thanks” he says almost shyly and casts his eyes down. This startles me a bit, but I shake it off. There’s nothing for Kyo to be shy about when he’s around me.
“I brought champagne to celebrate this occasion!” Kyo’s sister smiles and takes out a bottle from her bag.
“Cool!” I laugh and we all go to the living-room. We sit there, have a drink and talk a bit about Kyo’s release. It seems like everything is really fine and Kyo just has to come for the check-up after a month. But doctor said he should be fine now.
“There’s a party in honor of Kyo’s release from the institution and also to celebrate his late birthday” I say and look at his sister. “Will you be able to come? It’s this Saturday.”
Kyo immediately glares at me and I smile apologetically.
“I told you already it was Toshiya’s and Shinya’s idea! Don’t blame me!”
“I don’t want any parties” Kyo mumbles stubbornly. He is convinced that people will come there to see if he is really not crazy any more. But I trust Shinya and Toshiya – they wouldn’t invite anyone so nasty. Only some closest friends and work-related acquaintances.
“It’s going to be just a few close friends, so it would be great if you would come too” I say to his sister again and she smiles.
“I will. Thank you for the invitation. And I think it will be good for you, Tooru. You need to finally get back to normal life.”
Kyo just makes a face, but I know he will be there. It’s our friends, after all. And a party was long overdue – we all need to relax a bit.
When Kyo’s sister finally goes away, we are left alone. I make us something to eat as it was nearly lunch time and we sit at the kitchen table, silently eating our food, but not lowering eyes from each other for a moment.
“So what now, Kyo?” I finally dare to ask him. I don’t really want to hear an answer, because I know what it will be. Kyo has recovered and he is going back home.
He shrugs and smiles a bit.
“We eat and then I want to go for a walk. I haven’t been out of that place for four months. I hated to be locked between four walls all the time!”
I bite my tongue and keep silent.
Maybe he really didn’t understand my question or then maybe he didn’t want to answer it now. But that’s ok.
“Let’s go for a walk then” I nod finally.
“You know, let’s take your car and go somewhere outside Tokyo. I want to get out of the city at least for a few hours.”
“Sure! That’s a nice idea!”
When we get dressed to go out and head to the parking-lot, I barely stop myself from taking Kyo’s hand. I want to walk hand in hand with him so much, but I don’t know what he’d say about it. If he wouldn’t mind people starring at us, I’d take his hand and proudly walk by his side. But for now it will have to be enough to just be by his side again and to see him, to hear his tender voice and silent laughter.
We ended up driving around the edges of Tokyo for the rest of the day, walking around in parks and just wondering around in the streets. When we got back home, it was almost midnight. Kyo looked tired, but happy. I guess I also looked the same. But it was a magical day for me.
At first we talked a lot and I nagged him about his health and his stay in that institution. I had to make sure he was really fine and nobody hurt him.
Then I told what less I had to tell him about my daily routine, though there wasn’t much to say.
Soon we found ourselves just walking side by side in a park, glancing at each other from time to time and enjoying the closeness. We kept silent most of the time, but it was wonderful. I’ve never felt so close to him before. We didn’t need words to tell each other that we both were happy. That we both enjoyed each other’s presence. That we both we finally fine.
When Kyo slumps down on the chair in the kitchen I can’t help but chuckle. He seems so spent.
“What do you want to eat?” I ask.
“Actually, I’m not hungry. I’ll just go straight to bed.”
“Ok.”
I watch him leave the kitchen and suddenly feel worried. I prepared his bedroom for him, but I want him to sleep with me in my bedroom. I know there’s no point to do that as he doesn’t have nightmares half as bad as they used to be. But I don’t want to be separated from him even for a night.
But as I go to the bedroom myself, I see that there was nothing to worry about. Kyo hasn’t even opened the door to his old room and headed straight to my bedroom. He was now in the shower, so I undressed and took out pajama pants for both of us.
When Kyo finally comes out of the bathroom, I then go and quickly have a shower myself. I feel refreshed and lighter after it. I’m still dead tired, but I no longer smell bad.
I step into the bedroom again and find Kyo already in bed, curled up in the blankets, his eyes closed.
A feeling of completeness fills me and I stare at the view before me for a second.
It was all I was lacking for the last months. And now I have it back. Now I have all I ever wanted.
I just had to believe that my life was not going to change again.
I climb carefully in the bed and turn off the light on the table. As soon as I lie down, Kyo shifts closer to me until we’re almost touching each other. I can’t see his face clearly, but as light from the building opposite mine reaches the bedroom through the window, I can make out the contours of his face slightly. He looks as if he was smiling.
I fight the urge to touch him. I don’t know if I can. But I want to so badly. So badly that I almost hold myself back.
But suddenly Kyo extends his hands just a bit and touches my chest with his palms.
“Kaoru?” he whispers, his voice muffled by the sheets and by his tiredness.
“Yeah?”
“I really missed you a lot. I wasn’t lying.”
“Of course you weren’t. Why would you lie about things like that?”
“I don’t know… I just want you to know that I really missed you. A lot.”
“I missed you too. Every fucking day.”
Kyo chuckles a bit and I feel his palms on my chest press harder. I extend my hand and touch his lower belly. It slightly quivers under my touch.
“I’m so tired…” Kyo whispers.
“Then sleep. We’ll have a lot of time tomorrow to talk.”
“Mmm…” Kyo answers. He lowers his head and lays it on my shoulder. I feel his breaths on my neck. He is so close to me now.
We lie like that for some time and Kyo’s breathing equalizes. I guess he already fell asleep.
But I can’t fall asleep even if I am tired. When I understand that Kyo’s finally sleeping, I feel brave enough to circle my hand around his waist and draw him closer to me. Kyo, still sleeping, snuggles in my arms and holds on my shirt with his hands. One of his legs shifts forward and comes to lie between my legs, his knee now propped against my crotch.
Not exactly what I wanted, but Kyo now has a tight grip on me and I can’t get away from that. It’s not that I want to, but this closeness has its consequences.
I try to will myself to sleep, even if it’s a bit hard to do when you have a raging hard-on.
I don’t know how much time passed, but I guess I somehow managed to fall asleep in the end.
TBC
Comments would be lovely to get ^^ Seriously! :)
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Blurry Days