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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)	By : urbanephoenix Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Placebo Views: 5829 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction! I do not know any members of Placebo or their families, and I do not profit from these writings.

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STEFAN.

Stefan woke to the shrill ring of his alarm clock. Through his blurred eyes he saw it was 8:30am. Ah crap he had to get to school. Rolling over, he landed on top of Brian. He’d completely forgotten he was still there.

“Ugh, Stef!” Brian mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “Oh, turn that thing off!”

“We have to get ready for school.” Stef replied, getting up and looking through his closet for a clean shirt.

“S... school? Oh shit, it’s Friday!” The black haired boy jumped out of bed, picking up his clothes which were still strewn all over the floor from the previous night.

“I can’t wear this shirt! It’s all gross!”

Stefan rolled his eyes. “Well you don’t have much choice do you? We have to get going.”

Grumbling, Brian pulled his creased, dirty uniform on. Stef caught him cringing in the mirror. He smiled, he hadn’t seen Brian without make-up before, or looking anything but his best. Even now clean faced and his hair a mess, he still looked beautiful.

“Stop worrying,” he smiled, wrapping his long arms around the smaller boy’s neck from behind him. “you look perfect.”

***

They hardly made it to homeroom, sneaking in just as Ms. Provis had begun talking to the class.

“And that is why... Mr. Olsdal and Mr. Molko? You honestly think you can just waltz into homeroom and I won’t notice!?”

Stef frowned. Who ‘waltzes’ into homeroom?

“Sorry, ma’am.” Brian muttered. “We uh... missed the bus.”

Ms. Provis rolled her eyes. “This, is exactly what I’m talking about!” she said to the rest of the class. “The school has had enough of your tardiness. From now on, anybody who skips class or is more than five minutes LATE to class, will be seeing me in detention after school.” Her hawk-like eyes shot back to the door. “You two will be my first victims.”

BRIAN.

Brian couldn’t help but laugh as he and Stef headed to Chemistry. “So is this the first time you’ve been in trouble?” he asked.

Stefan sighed. “At school, yes. But it’s ok, at least we finish early on Fridays.”

***

Detention turned out to be exactly what Brian had expected. He, Stef and a dozen students he didn’t recognise had been seated at long tables in a classroom, Ms. Provis glaring at them over the top of her oval glasses. “Now, work.” She ordered.
Work on what? Brian pulled out his Maths homework. ‘Find the limit of...’ wait what? From the corner of his eye he saw Stef pass him something.

Scribbled on a little piece of paper were the words “No more sleep-overs on school nights!!”

Brian smiled and took out his pen. “I hav no regrets :)”

Stef smiled. “Still Id rather not be here. Much rather be elsewhere”

“With me?”

“Of course.”

Brian thought about this for a moment. This probably wasn’t the place, nor the time, but it couldn’t be any worse than last night could it? “Do u remember what I asked u last nite?” he scribbled, biting his bottom lip as he pushed the paper back to his right, making sure Ms. Provis wasn’t looking.

He could see that Stef was confused as he read the last few words. “No, was it important?”

Ha, was it important? ‘Only to me.’ Brian thought. “No,” he lied. “not really.”

“What is it?”

Damnit Stef could tell he was lying even when he was writing. “Nothing”

“TELL ME!!”

Taking in a deep breath, Brian turned the paper over and began to write.

STEFAN.

Why did Brian try to keep things from him? Stef smiled as he saw his small friend urgently writing back a reply. It was probably something trivial but he wanted to know nonetheless. Looking down at the fresh side of paper, the blonde began to read.

“Well, I told u I loved u + then later asked u if u loved me too. But I think u were asleep. Its ok if u dont I just wanna know. I wanna know what the deal is with us.”

Wow, no he certainly didn’t remember that. He felt terrible, knowing Brian had probably been dwelling on it since last night. What was worse, he didn’t have an answer. How was he supposed to know if he was in love with Brian, or anybody for that matter? “Its ok if u dont". No it’s not, Stef thought.

“I don’t know,” he wrote truthfully. “ur special to me.” Damnit that’s not the same thing, you idiot. “Very special.”

It felt like forever before he got a reply. “Its ok.” The five letters smudged by a single tear making the ink run.

***

It was three o’clock before they were let out of detention, but a voice called him back.

“Stefan! Brian!” Ms. Provis yelled out as they were leaving. “Boys, it’s none of my business what either of you do outside of school, but you need to get your acts together.”

Stef looked down at his feet. He knew it was true, and not just what his teacher meant.

“You boys have turned up to classes with cuts and bruises, usually late with no excuse, homework not done. Stefan, I have known you for years, and this is very unlike you. Brian, when you started here you took pride in your appearance, you were so assertive. Today I just don’t see it. Buckle down, ok?”

They left in silence, Stefan wasn’t sure what he could say anyway.

“We can’t do it anymore.” Brian piped up as soon as they were out of the school.

“Do what?”

Brian’s face dropped. “No more sleeping together.” He muttered.

“Why not?” Oh you idiot, you know why. Stef wanted to smack himself.

“Because we want different things. I want you, all of you, but I think you’re after something less... permanent.”

It was true. Stefan knew deep down, Brian was perfect for him, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it.

“Ok.” He murmured, as Brian veered off to the left, as they reached their fork in the road.

BRIAN.

Tears ran silently down his face as he walked away. Brian knew he’d told Stef he didn’t mind if he didn’t feel the same way, but it was a lie. He’d honestly thought they had a real shot now. A real shot to be together. How naive.

***

Brian groaned as he forced himself out of bed Saturday morning. He had to be in town by ten for his trial shift at the second hand clothing shop. Carefully applying his make up, brushing his long hair, pulling on his perfectly ironed jeans, he wasn’t sure what to expect. But, at least it was a job.

Walking down stairs, Brian could hear voices in the kitchen. Maybe he could sneak past and avoid any-

“OI! Brian!”

Ah, not so lucky.

“Yes, dad?”

His father was leaning over the kitchen table, his mother seated beside him. “Brian, sit down.”

“Can it wait? I have to go into town, for a job.”

“I said SIT!”

Brian did as he was told. As abrupt as his father could be, he didn’t usually yell.
“Brian, we spend a lot of money to send you to St. Winstons. The least you could do is do your schoolwork!”

Oh shit.

“I got these in the post yesterday,” he yelled, holding up half a dozen pieces of paper. “from your school saying you’ve failed to hand in several pieces of work and if you continue to do so you will FAIL!”

“I... I’m sorry!” Brian stuttered, standing up. “Can we please talk about this when I get home? I’m going to be la-“

The black haired boy cringed as he felt his father smack him across the face. The stinging spread quickly through his jaw. “I said I want to talk about it now! I... are you wearing make-up?”

Brian took a step back, knowing what would come next.

“Take that crap off and get out of my sight!”

He didn’t need telling twice, running into the bathroom and dousing his face in water. Damnit, he was already turning red.

***

The shop was dimly lit but had a feeling of timelessness about it. Random items of discarded clothing hung around the place, almost completely hiding a small counter tucked away at the back.

“Brian! Glad you came.” The manager exclaimed, emerging through a forest of pants. “Follow me and I’ll show you the ropes.”

As Brian had expected, there wasn’t a great deal to the job. People took clothes off the racks, tried them on, bought them. As basic as his understanding of mathematics was, it was hardly rocket science. Much to his surprise, a lot of the items in the store were quite interesting. He made a mental note to try on a pair blue leather pants later.

It had only been three hours, but as Brian left his new place of employment, he felt a lot better than when he’d arrived. Sure, not the most stimulating work, but it gave him a chance to sit around and write, something he could seldom do at home.
“Ugh! Watch it!!” a familiar voice exclaimed. Brian had been daydreaming, not watching where he was going, and managed to bump into someone who had, rather unfortunately, been carrying coffee.

“Oh shit, I’m so... Stef?”

Stef was looking down at his now coffee-stained shirt. “Oh Brian. Sorry, I didn’t realise it was...”

“How was work?” the black haired boy asked, paying no attention the stains seeping their way through his own t-shirt.

“Dull. I just walked around all morning re-stocking stuff. Still, better than nothing.” Stef shrugged, throwing away his empty coffee cup. “How was yours?”

“Good.” Brian looked away, the awkwardness of their parting the day before re-entering his mind.

“Shit, what happened to your face?”

Ah, something else he’d managed to block out. “N-nothing. Just had a run-in at home.” He muttered.

Stef raised an eyebrow. “A run-in with your father?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Come on, I’m finished for today. You can ride it out at my place.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “No, I’m going... somewhere else.”

“Jesus, Brian, you can’t go home, where else are you going to go? Just... come and stay for a while. You don’t have to like it, or even like me, I just don’t want you going home right now, ok?”

STEFAN.

The house was now almost completely empty now besides a few scarce pieces of furniture and the contents of Stef’s bedroom.

“Here, put this on.” He said, throwing a shirt to Brian. It was four or five sizes too big, but better than the alternative.

“You’re so lucky,” Brian muttered, pulling it over his head. “having a place of your own.”

“It’s only for three weeks or so, then I’ll have to go into the boarding school.”

Stef cringed. The thought made him depressed. “What do you want to do?”

The pair were standing in Stef’s messy, as always, room, Brian drowning in one of his t-shirts. “Music project? It’s due in a week.”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” the blonde thought aloud. “maybe we should practice before our assessment. You know, to an audience.”

Brian laughed. “Yeah, how many people do you know who will want to listen to something WE wrote!?”

“None, that’s the point. I was thinking maybe asking Randy if we could do an in-store thing. You know, sometimes he lets upcoming bands play some stuff on Thursday nights.”

The smaller boy looked up at him, confused. “We’re not a band.”

“Look, it’d give us some idea if our stuff is any good.” Stef shrugged. “For all we know, it’s crap.”

“If my parents find out-“

“We can use pseudonyms, wear a wig if you want, I just think we should get a second opinion.”

BRIAN.

It was a good idea, and as a natural-born performer, Brian was excited. “My parents can never find out.” He said. “Ever!”

“Ok, ok! We’ll work it out. I’ll mention it to Randy next week.” Stef walked to his bed, guitar in hand, and started strumming some chords.

“That sounds terrible,” Brian smiled. “come on, we still have five songs to go.”

It may have taken them the rest of the day, but come nine o’clock, they had ten complete songs. Despite Stefan’s insistence they get a second opinion, Brian knew they were good. They were a good writing pair.

“Should you get home?” Stef asked. “I mean, will your parents worry?”

Brian sighed. If only. If only they cared enough to worry. “Unlikely. But I guess we’re done here.” He shuffled his feet. He didn’t want to go. He was still upset about their written exchange yesterday, but going home would just make him feel worse.

“You can stay here, if you want.” Stef offered. “I mean, there’s plenty of room.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Stef.” He answered truthfully.

“Look, it’ll be fine. Nothing will be happen.”

Brian smiled. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Stefan put down his guitar, looking troubled. “Brian... if we were, you know, ‘together’ how would things be different?”

The black haired boy’s eyes lit up. “R-really?”

“I’m not suggesting anything-“ Stef replied hurriedly. “just asking.”

“Well, we’d be a real couple, do couple things.”

“Yeah, but how is that different from now? We spend more time together than with anyone else, we have sex, we fight, I care about you... isn’t that a relationship?”

He had a point, Brian thought. But it was something else he wanted. “I want commitment.” He said, sitting back down on the bed. “That’s what makes it real. I don’t want a friend I get to fuck, I need someone who loves me as unconditionally as I love them.” He kissed Stef lightly on his lips. “Plus, it means no long distance boyfriend in Los Angeles.”

Stef laughed. “I know you don’t approve, but I can’t break up with someone while they’re in another time zone.” He said.

Did that mean... he wanted to? Brian lit up. “After, then?”

“I dunno...”

“What’s the real problem? You obviously want to!”

Stefan sighed, leaning back on his arms. “We fight enough now, why make it worse?”

“What a shit reason.” Brian laughed. “Really?”

“I think I just owe some sort of loyalty to Courtney. After all, I’m the one who wanted to keep things going.

He had suspected that was the reason. Brian was grateful for all that Courtney had done for Stef, but now surely it was time they both moved on? “You’re allowed to change your mind.”

Stef looked sad, he was obviously conflicted. Brian couldn’t, for the life of him, work out what was so tricky. “Look, it’s different for me, I suppose. I mean, you already know that I love you, you know I’d give anything for you. I guess, I just want to know what that’s like. From someone I care about.” He trailed off, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. Damnit Brian, why are you such a little girl? It’s not the end of the world.

The blonde gently lifted his head up, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I think... no, I know... I love you.” He smiled.

-----------------
A/N:
1. Thanks SO much for comments on the last chapter! I've been having a shitty week so those brightened my day =D

2. Tell me what you think of this one, I really do like to know. In the past I've changed things based on comments and it's turned out better than what I had in mind.

3. Because it's Easter and I'm on holidays and very, very bored, I'll finish the next chapter tomorrow and upload tomorrow night (probably) =)
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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)