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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 21
- 22
Why the hell we forgot to draw the curtains yesterday? The stupid sun shines right in my eyes and I have nowhere to turn my head to escape it. I lower my head a bit and feel it being propped against something. A rhythmical, but calm beating of the heart makes me smile a bit.
Kaoru.
I open my eyes and find myself looking at the shirt on his chest. My lousy t-shirt with ‘brown bunny’ written on it.
I cuddle up to him to find a more comfortable pose and close my eyes again. It feels so comfortable and I still feel a bit sleepy. It is an indescribable feeling to wake up and remember that everything was finally OK. I am healthy, free in all possible ways and together with the most important person in my life.
Kaoru is still deep asleep and I put my arm around his waist and my head on his chest. The beating of his heart is now heard even better. I draw my other hand under my head to support it and lie like this for some time.
I know I was thinking that perhaps Kaoru would reconsider his priorities while I was away from him. I thought he would go out, have fun, get wasted, meet new people. But apparently he didn’t. He asked me to call him every day at least once and I tried to do that, because when once I didn’t call him for two days, next time I did I had to calm him down for ages until he believed me that I was fine and nothing bad happened.
Kaoru didn’t call me himself, because I always kept my phone turned off. Patients couldn’t have phones in the hospital. So I had to charge it as rarely as possible so that nobody would see it. That’s why I turned it on only when I was going to call Kaoru and this left me completely in charge of our communication.
But Kaoru didn’t back off at all. Not even slightly. The way he yesterday seemed to be so damn happy seeing me made all my doubts disappear.
Kaoru still wanted me. In all possible ways.
Speaking of that…
I open my eyes and look down, but the sheets cover everything up. But I am sure I can feel something very hard press up against my side.
I look up carefully and look at Kaoru. He seems to be asleep.
I slowly take my hand off his waist and draw it under the blanket and then lower, praying all the time for Kaoru not to wake up.
I hesitate for a moment when my fingers reach the end of his belly. I can feel his pajama pants with the tip of my fingers and hold my breath.
I’m not so sure what I am doing right now and why. I guess I want to find out. To find out what it would feel like to touch him there…
I take a breath and run my fingertips over the front fabric of his pants.
There’s definitely a hardness in there. By the feeling on my fingers it’s either only a half-hard cock or a small penis. Considering the fact that Kaoru is asleep, perhaps the first option is more likely.
I gulp too loudly to my ears and look up at Kaoru’s face again. He seems to be asleep.
What the hell am I doing? Why do I need to molest him in his sleep?
I just… I tried to always never think about this one aspect of being with Kaoru. I know he wants me. I’m not stupid. But he has never done or said anything to let me know he expects that from me. On the contrary, he is afraid I would let him use me because I feel in debt to him. So I know he would never say anything about it. He would never ask, even though he needs it. And he needs it badly, by the looks of it.
But do I need it?
That’s what I want to find out.
And just a moment after deciding this, I slip my hand in his pants and grab his crotch with my hand.
His cock feels hard and hot in my palm. It twitches just the slightest under my touch and I glance at Kaoru yet again. But thankfully he seems to be asleep. I look down again and lift the sheets from our bodies a bit, so that I could see where my hand disappears to. I only can see his pubic hair and a bit of his cock, but this is enough to make me blush hard. I can feel my cheeks burn hotly, but I stubbornly keep my eyes on the view in front of me.
Even though my hand is trembling slightly, I start exploring what little I can reach. I run my fingers over the full length, then measure the thickness and hardness of his dick. My fingers for a moment stop at the slit, then go up again to explore the balls. They feel heavy in my palm and after just some time I think his cock hardens a bit more. The last thing I explore is his pubic hair.
All this time I listen carefully to his breathing to make sure Kaoru is still asleep.
I feel bad at feeling him up while he’s unconscious. But there’s no other way for me to do it. I couldn’t do it with him watching my every movement.
Why the hell I need to do this at all?
Because I’m curious. Because Kaoru did more than this to me when my mind was ‘turned off’ and this is nothing compared to what he’s done. Because I don’t want to find myself in an intimate situation like this and freak out on him. I need to find out in advance how I would feel faced with this part of him. With the part that only his lover can see.
And I suddenly feel happy because he feels nothing like that man.
It’s nice to touch Kaoru. It doesn’t bring me back any memories. It only makes me blush madly and makes my heart beat a hundred miles per hour. It doesn’t feel strange. It feels natural, as if I’ve done it hundreds of times before, but just the excitement remained. It feels new because I never touched him there and at the same time very familiar because it’s Kaoru.
My Kaoru. Kaoru who belongs to me. And I know if I asked him, he’d give me anything I wanted if it was in his power.
God, this is… too overwhelming.
I draw back my hand and sit in bed. Thankfully Kaoru is still fast asleep, though his face now has a bit harder expression. I guess I made him more miserable than he already was. Being this hard and having no release is tough.
I get out of bed and practically run to the kitchen. I don’t want him to wake up and find out what I’ve done. I feel embarrassed enough already.
Strong coffee and a sandwich will be best to freshen up in the morning. I sit to eat, but I can barely swallow. My mind is only on Kaoru.
Is he horny because of me?
I guess he might me… Maybe he had a dream, or maybe just the fact that I was pressed up to him throughout the whole night made his body respond like that. I don’t know when was the last time he had sex. I have no idea.
Will he ever make an approach on me?
I have no idea.
Do I want him to?
…
Do I desire him physically?
In some level I do. I need him by my side, I love when he hugs me, or lets me cuddle up to him, or just is very near me so that I can just reach out and touch him whenever I want.
But do I want to be intimate with him? For real?
Not right now, but… But I guess I am very close to wanting that myself… Not yet, but…
…
And does it mean I… What does it mean?
“Good morning!”
I jump in my chair and the cup falls down from the table and breaks, already cold coffee spilling all over the floor and on my right foot.
“God, Kyo, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”
Kaoru rushes up to me and grabs a towel from the table, starts cleaning the floor and my toes.
“I’m fine.”
I want to collect the pieces of a broken cup, but Kaoru pushes me away and bows down to do it himself.
“You have no slippers on, you might cut your feet. Step away.”
I just sight and do as he tells me. He is like a mother hen sometimes. And there are times that it irritates me more than amuses me.
“I didn’t hear you come in.”
“I’m sorry Kyo.”
“It’s fine, I told you.”
Kaoru straightens up with the pieces of the cup in both his hands and looks at me. His cheeks are a bit flushed. I guess he took care of the little morning problem he had. I quickly glance between his legs. Yep, seems like he did.
“What are you doing up so early?” he asks.
“So early?”
“It’s not even 9 o’clock.”
I stare at him dumbly.
“Did you sleep well?”
I should be the one asking him that. But I bite my tongue to prevent myself from commenting.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yeah, of course. But it was a change for you again, so I was worried that you would… I don’t know…”
“I slept just fine, Kaoru” I finally smile at him and Kaoru smiles back.
“What would you like to do today?” he asks and throws the broken cup away.
“Well, first of all you have to make me another cup of coffee as you ruined this one. Then I want to go to my house. I want to see what’s been done in there and if I can move back already. There’s a lot to do. And there’s going to be a lot of packing as a lot of my stuff is now at your flat.”
Kaoru stares at me for a moment, then turns away and takes two new cups and starts to prepare coffee. When he speaks, his voice sounds forced.
“OK, sure. I will help you to pack. Your sister left the keys to your house here, so we can have breakfast and go.”
“OK, I’ll go quickly take a shower.”
I leave the kitchen feeling a bit down. Kaoru got so upset at me just mentioning moving back to my house. But it’s the best decision. My house is bigger and more comfortable than his flat. It’s much better to live in there than here.
At least I think so. I just hope Kaoru will be of the same opinion as me.
***
Kyo wanted to drive my new car. He seems to really enjoy it. The radio is turned on, he hums along with the song that is on now. The windows are opened and warm wind messes our hair. A cigarette between my fingers, his hands gripping the wheel tightly. Though Kyo enjoys the drive, he still is more attentive and tensed than normal. He hasn’t driven a car for many years now, so he lost some of his skills that he’ll have to relearn again.
He glances at me shortly and I force a smile for him. I don’t want to go to his house. I don’t want him to move out. We’ll be together from now on, I don’t doubt it a second. But I really don’t want to finalize the thought that it’s not going to be exactly what I want.
And I want to be Kyo’s lover. His partner for the rest of his life. Not his friend.
I have no courage to ask him of this. And I don’t think I’ll ever will. What’s the point? He’ll say it eventually. And if he won’t, then at least I would be able to live always hoping that maybe one day he will change his mind and turn to me for more than friendship.
It’s better this way. At least for me. I hate the reality. I don’t want to hear anything except good news from now on.
Kyo takes a few wrong turns but finally we stop in front of his house. I always liked his house. It’s in a good neighborhood, has a fence all around it, so when you’re outside the house, you’ve got total privacy. And there’s a backyard. Even if it’s small, it’s still wonderful to have one. We used to stay outside his house in the backyard having drinks, smoking and listening to the cicada making the usual noise in the grass. It used to be wonderful evenings. So calm and perfect.
Why did I never use one of these to confess my feelings for him? Why did I never do that way before his disappearance? Things might have been different. If we would have become an item then, we would have spent the time in the bus together after the show and he would have never gone anywhere alone.
If only…
It’s no use playing this stupid guessing game now. Kyo is finally alright. I should just be happy for him. Not sit here and pity myself. And wish for more.
Kyo gets out of the car smiling brightly and it infects me as well. I can’t remain frowning when he is all smiles.
“This car is pure pleasure!” he laughs and I laugh along with him.
“And you were mocking me for almost having an orgasm after the first time I saw it!” I can’t help but remind him.
“Yeah… Sorry. This baby is really gorgeous!” he laughs and locks the car.
We head to the house and Kyo unlocks the door. I expected the air inside to be stuffy, but it isn’t. It’s fresh and smells nice. I guess his sister really took her task of taking care of her brother’s house seriously.
We take off our shoes and go deeper into the house. Kyo looks around intently, a serious expression on his face. From time to time he glances at me and I always answer him with a smile. I want him to feel reassured.
He can do whatever he wants. It’s his life.
“Nothing seems to be different” Kyo says silently, looking pleased. “Though she left some unnecessary things.”
“Like what?”
“Like these glass figurines. Or those girly cushions on the couch.”
“She wanted to make the house look homey.”
“It’s a bachelor’s house, it’s supposed to look cool and a bit messy.”
“You know you’re complaining for no reason like an old man, Kyo” I tease him.
“Do you like the house, Kaoru?” Kyo turns to look at me questioningly, completely changing the subject.
“Of course I do. I always liked your house. I wish I bought a house instead of a flat when I still had the money. Well, too late now.”
“Would you like to live in a house like this?”
“Of course. It’s a wonderful place and a nice house, Kyo.”
“So that means yes?”
“What? What do you mean ‘that means yes’?”
Kyo suddenly looks very nervous and fidgets, lowering his eyes for a moment. I must admit I really don’t understand where he’s getting at. But Kyo looks me in the eyes again and this time he looks determined.
“I mean, would you like to move in this house and live here? With me?”
Come again?
Did I just hear him right?
“Move in with you? Here?”
“Yes” Kyo nods vigorously. “Don’t get me wrong, I like your flat, but living in a house is always better. And we would even have a backyard! There’s so much more privacy here! No neighbors listening through the walls! More space!
And you could sell your flat. Or if you don’t want to, you can rent it. But there’s no need to keep two places for living. At least I think so. I want to include you in the documents as officially living here, in this house, so that if anything happens to me, you wouldn’t find yourself on the street. It’s only fair enough. You would be an owner of the house together with me, living here with me and having the same rights as me. So that’s why I suggest you to just sell your flat.
There’s a lot of room here. I already thought of where your study could be. We would need to share one bedroom, but I guess that wouldn’t be a problem, would it?”
I shake my head a bit, as Kyo looks at me waiting for an answer.
“So what do you think, Kaoru?”
I still can’t force out a word, it’s as if they have stuck somewhere in the throat on their way out.
“Please, just say something, Kaoru” Kyo suddenly gets agitated. “Yes or no?”
“Yes” I choke out. “Of course yes!”
A huge smile immediately appears on Kyo’s face and he beams at me. And I want to pinch myself.
Is this for real?
“You want us to live together? For a long time to come?” I have to make sure I got it right.
Kyo nods.
“For as long as we live. Forever.”
“Sounds so corny.”
“Yeah, I guess it does. Sorry.”
“No, don’t be sorry! I never dreamt you’d ever tell me anything close to that!”
Kyo doesn’t say anything and studies my face for some time. But soon a gentle smile reappears on his face again and he looks right into my eyes. It’s as if he can see through me. Can see all my dirtiest and lowest secrets and still wants to be with me. In whatever way he wants that.
I have millions of emotions inside me.
Here I was just a minute ago thinking that Kyo will leave my flat and I’d be alone and miserable. But suddenly I have his heart laid out in front of me without any secrets.
Kyo wants me in his life forever.
Forever.
“This is like a fucking dream come true” I can’t help but say out loud and it makes Kyo smile again.
“No, this is what had to happen, Kaoru. What did you expect?”
I shrug my shoulders. There’s no point in voicing all my doubts now. They were wrong after all.
“I want you in my life, Kaoru. And you said once that whatever I’ll decide, you asked me to be honest with you. So I’m doing just that. I’m being totally honest with you. I don’t want to be separated from you ever again.”
“Kyo, I… I don’t know what to say. I have so many sentimental and stupid things in my head, but I would only embarrass myself if I said them out loud.”
Kyo laughs and turns his back to me.
“Come, let’s take a look at the garden.”
I follow him, feeling my heart beating miles per hour. It’ll explode from all the emotions. I just want to lunge at Kyo, squeeze his life out of him and kiss him all over.
Would he push me away if I did that?
Now, right at this moment, I believe anything I want could happen.
Kyo stops at the balcony door and after unlocking opens the door widely then looks at me eagerly. He’s like a kid on Christmas, who just got the best present on earth and wants to show off. Or like a bad student who finally got a good mark and wants to be praised. The most important thing for me is that my opinion and my approval are crucial to him.
He looks at me expectantly. I step closer to him and look at the garden.
It’s as beautiful as I remember. The trees and bushes cover the neighboring houses and streets. There is a little flower garden in the back – his sister’s doing I guess. It’s cozy and beautiful. A little place of paradise – a private paradise.
Kyo goes out of the room and sits on the floor, leaning on the outside wall. I step outside and sit beside him. I still can’t believe I’m going to live here with Kyo from now on. Perhaps I should have never doubted his feelings for me. Kyo loves me. Maybe he doesn’t desire me physically, but that might be just the only drawback in his feelings for me.
I should have never been so blind.
But… To have Kyo wanting me is like the most wonderful and miraculous thing happening in my life. Everyone has their biggest dreams and they rarely come true. So why was I different? I had my dream. Which for most of my life was only that – a dream.
I turn my head slightly and look at Kyo. His face is irradiated with the rays of sun, and he squints his eyes a bit because of that. His black hair as always looking more like a messy nest on his head than a normal haircut. His dark deep eyes looking thoughtfully at me.
Suddenly I feel his fingers on my hand. He traces his fingertips down over my arm carefully until they reach my fingers and he slowly intertwines my ones with his.
I feel him squeeze my hand gently and I do just the same in response. He looks me in the eyes, then lowers his head and puts it on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry you’ll have to put up with my parents after they’ll hear the news. But I don’t want to lie to them. There’s no point. The sooner they get to know that you’ll be living here, the sooner they will leave us alone.”
“It’s ok.”
I’m actually happy with this, because when Kyo will tell them the news, they won’t be visiting Kyo here at all. But they’re Kyo’s parents and I can’t say that to him.
“I will put you in the documents as one of the house’s owners, Kaoru, so you don’t need to worry. You’ll never be without home if anything happens to me.”
“Nothing will happen to you, Kyo. Stop saying that. You’ll get old and die from old age, as most of the people do.”
“Well, you never know which one of us will live longer, Kaoru. So I want to make sure I did everything I could to leave you happy.”
“I’ll never be happy if you leave, Kyo.”
I kiss him on the forehead carefully, still a bit afraid of his reaction. But Kyo only leans closer to me and closes his eyes. He puts his other hand on my chest and grips my t-shirt in his fist.
“Kaoru, I…”
If you would say it, I could die happy right here and right now, Kyo. Please, tell me you love me. I need you to voice it out. I need you to confirm it out loud.
I feel him squeeze my hand even stronger, feel him inch even closer to me. He lifts his head, opening his eyes, and looks right at me. I stare back, barely able to control myself. I think my body starts to shake from intensity of the closeness I am in with him.
I can feel the dreadful consequences again. The evidence is hard to miss. It’s right there in my jeans, hardening and making itself visible.
Kyo leans in and I know where he’s aiming. I close my eyes anticipating it and soon I feel his lips on mine.
We kiss gently, with calm, patient and careful touches of our lips. It’s as if he’s exploring what it feels like to kiss me. And I can just let him do how he pleases. It’s our kiss. It’s what I will always treasure in spite of whatever it is.
He draws back slowly and looks at me, with his eyes looking sodden and full of many emotions.
He releases his grip on my chest and traces his hand down. For a moment I want to move away from his exploring touch, but he holds my hand with his other one tightly and I remain where I am. He never turns his eyes from me, but his hand continues roaming on its own until it settles down between my legs, over my hardening length.
I feel him slowly measure the length of my cock with his fingertips and I blush madly. I don’t want him to feel cornered. I don’t want him to feel obliged to do things he thinks he has to do in order to be with me.
Shit, it’s the worst time ever to get a hard on.
“It’s ok, Kaoru.” Kyo says silently. “This is ok” he repeats, pressing his fingers down on my length. My body reacts to this simplest touch immediately and jerks violently, just from this one little touch.
“Kyo, I can’t help it… I want you badly… But it doesn’t mean that you---“
“Oh, shut it!” Kyo leans closer to me again and now when he speaks I can feel his breaths on my lips. I swear, he’s trying to slowly kill me on purpose! All this physical tension in my body is going to be the death of me!
“Kaoru, it’s totally normal to desire someone you… you want to be with. And it’s not that I don’t want to. Just… not yet.”
I have to process this new piece of information, but when I do, it only makes me harder and needier than I already was.
Kyo is making promises to me. This time for real.
“Just think of me as something you just got – still wrapped in a package and brand new. You want to keep it somewhere everyone can see, perhaps in the living room on the table, so that everyone could see what you have. You admire it for days, until you no longer get excited seeing it like this. Only then you unwrap it finally and take the real thing in your hands. And then it’s new again, and you have a new wave of joy over what you have. Do I make sense to you?”
I nod. I can only nod right now.
“When was the last time you… you know…” it’s Kyo’s turn now to blush slightly. But he keeps his eyes on me, his face so close to mine.
“A long time ago, actually…”
“Poor baby” Kyo whispers and kisses me again, this time braver and more daring than the first one. I can still feel his fingers on my cock, he doesn’t draw them back and I soon find myself out of breath. He’s pressing his fingers down on my length, kissing me gently. I can feel his chest pressed to mine, his heat radiating from his body.
I start to sweat, my body jerks a bit involuntarily, my free hand tangles in his hair, steadying his head, not letting him go, kissing him back forcefully. And when Kyo by some reason puts his whole palm on my length and squeezes hard, I come.
So unexpectedly that even I am caught off guard.
Kyo draws back and stares at me shocked. Then at the stain that starts to gather around the head in my jeans. I lower my head, ashamed to look him in the eyes.
Kyo kneels and puts both of his arms around my shoulders, hugging me and forcing me to lean into his arms, into his welcoming embrace.
I have nothing to say to him. I know I don’t have to be ashamed of what just happened. But I bet Kyo didn’t expect this. He knows I want him. But now he knows I want him badly.
But I’ll wait. I can wait. It’s just that my body is so tense from all the waiting and abstinence that I can’t control it anymore.
I feel Kyo start stroking my back with his hands and I just can’t help it – I cry. His t-shirt gets wet all too soon, but he doesn’t let me go. He tries to sooth me in his arms, gently stroking my back and giving me a kiss on my hair from time to time.
When I manage to somewhat calm down, he still holds me in his arms, and I suddenly realize with amazement how strong his grip on me is. How strong he actually is. It was always me protecting him, taking care of him. It was always me thinking how vulnerable, how weak, how fragile he is in body and soul.
And it strikes me as a shock to realize that he is neither of those things anymore. That he does not need my protection and care.
“You’ve been taking care of me for so long, Kaoru. You’ve burnt yourself out. For me. But now you can relax. It’s my turn to take care of you. And I want to make you feel happy, Kaoru. You don’t have to ever be ashamed in front of me for anything. We’re in this together from now on.”
I nod a bit, thinking if I dare to speak.
“Thank you, Kyo…” I manage to utter.
I feel him kiss me on the head again and I can’t help but snuggle myself deeper in his embrace.
“You’ve got nothing to thank me for, Kaoru. You deserve it. You’ve gained my trust and my love for you only with your efforts. You have to know that you’re the only person in my life now that I can trust with my life.”
“I know.”
And I can’t be happier than this.
It’s still a long way ahead of us. Many problems to face. Many conflicts to deal with. Not only his parents, but perhaps even mine.
But at least it’s a start. A good start, if anyone asked me.
“Let’s go inside, Kaoru-kun” Kyo breaks the silence. “I’ll find you a pair of new pants. We could go out and buy something to eat, then walk around the house and decide on how to furniture it and make it even more comfortable for both of us.”
I nod.
Kyo stands up and I follow. He looks back at me and smiles gently. Then takes my hand in his and leads me inside the house.
And I follow his lead.

THE END

Author’s comment: So it’s done. Makes me very sad, actually, because it is my most precious story for me from all the ones that I have written. And most challenging one as well :D It was never supposed to be this long, but I don’t care – I still love it :)
I can’t stop here now. At first I was considering to end it after the scene in the kitchen where Kyo for the first time recognized his surroundings, and I kind of wanted to leave an open ending there. But then, when I got to that place, it seemed to me there were more reasons to continue than to stop :P And now, after I really got into the story and really love it so much, it just doesn’t stop here for me. I already know what happens next because I just have to >_<
So I guess I should make it official that there is like 99% chance that there’s going to be a sequel. So I guess I can promise that you’ll see it posted some time in the future :) To tell you the truth, I kind of don’t want to screw the whole story with a shitty sequel, but as I am really going to write it for myself, I guess I might post it as well :P Let’s just hope it will be at least half as good as this one was :P lol Because this one in my humble opinion was not bad at all >_< LOL
So I guess I’ll leave now :) Thanks to all the people who were always waiting for a new chapter and were supporting me ^^
Thanks a lot, guys! ^^
And I can’t just disappear without saying – comments are always more than appreciated!!! :D It’s the last chance to do that after all! lol
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Blurry Days