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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)	By : urbanephoenix Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Placebo Views: 5829 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction! I do not know any members of Placebo or their families, and I do not profit from these writings.

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BRIAN.

Waking up Sunday morning Brian couldn’t have been happier. His music assignment was more or less finished, and he was laying next to a gorgeous blonde boy who, the night before, had just told him he loved him.

Or so he thought, it was then he noticed Stef wasn’t actually in the room. A note was taped to the dresser. “Gone to get food. Back later.” Brian saw this as a perfect opportunity to restore order to an otherwise out of control room. How could anyone live like this, with their clothes draped over chairs, homework strewn over the desk, various miscellaneous objects scattered over the floor?

While putting Stef’s completed maths homework in one of his desk draws, Brian started sorting through his various notebooks. As untidy as the blonde was, his academic material was astoundingly well organised. Everything was labelled, except one. Flipping open the hard-cover book, it was clear it was some kind of journal. Brian hadn’t picked Stefan as the journal type, but despite the lack of dates and “Dear diary” introductions, that’s definitely what he had found.

Well aware he’d be tempted to read it, the black haired boy quickly put it back where he’d found it. It was none of his business. No, it wasn’t. He shouldn’t look. Oh, but maybe a little? For all he knew, it was years old.

The first page was blank. The second had only three words scribbled on it. “I hate this.” Brian frowned, desperate to know what ‘this’ was. He looked to the later entries. “I think Anton really likes me! He’s in my football team. He’s gorgeous.” Brian smiled, flipping forward. He hadn’t heard of any ‘Anton’ but he knew his friend hadn’t played football since the beginning of the year. If he didn’t know better, it almost sounded as though he was reading the diary of a thirteen year old girl.

“Anton came over today. I got to kiss my second boy ever. I think he wanted more.”
Most of the entries were like this. Short sentences, and very few per page. The next few were more exploits with this ‘Anton’, though they grew slightly more graphic and adventurous.

He was about to put the journal back when Brian saw the latest entry. Unlike the others it was long, over a page.

“Brian is the most perfect person I have ever met. He is gorgeous and so talented. I wish I was more like him. I know he cares about me, he may even be in love with me. I just don’t think I love him. When we slept together the other night he called it ‘making love’. Is that it now? Every time we’ve had sex it’s been good, great even, but now we can’t, we have to ‘make love’? Why is he forcing this when everything is going so well? I love him, but I’m not in love with him...”

Brian couldn’t read on. This couldn’t be more than a day or two old. Had Stef really had a change of heart last night or was he just trying to make him happy? Hearing a door close downstairs, he quickly put everything back where he’d found it.

STEFAN.

He knew his parents had left in a rush, but would it killed them to have left some food!? The money his mother had given him had hardly covered a week’s worth of groceries. Great. “Brian!” Stef called out, putting everything away. At least his parents had left the fridge.

Brian appeared at the bottom of the stairs, wearing one of Stef’s black singlets which came down just past his thighs and hugged at his tiny figure. He looked gorgeous, running his fingers though his bed hair. “Who’s Anton?” he yawned.

Stefan was confused. When had he ever mentioned Anton by name? “How do you know about Anton?”

Brian froze, like a kid who had just been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. “Oh, you know, you mentioned something about him a while ago and um... I just remembered.”

“Oh I don’t believe that for a second, but if you must know, he’s that guy who was such an epic disappointment. The one I told you about when we first met.” The black haired boy was avoiding eye-contact but seemed satisfied. The only way he could have known about Anton is if- “Wait... did you read my black book?”

“No.” He was obviously lying. “Ok look I was tidying up and it fell off your desk and I saw the name Anton that’s all.”

Still lying. “Did you read anything else?” He already knew the answer.

“I didn’t mean to! It was just... there!”

Stef smiled. “That’s ok. Most of it is old anyway, and as you know, I have nothing but good things to say about you.”

“Huh!? No! You said you didn’t really love me, when you told me last night you did!”

“N... no I didn’t.”

“Yes you did!” Brian exploded.

“Brian, calm down. Did you read the whole thing?”

“Um... well I got a bit upset and-“

“Go and read the whole thing. I’ll make breakfast, or at least try to.”

BRIAN.

He had expected Stef to be furious at him for reading his private thoughts. Yet here he was, being told to read more. Flipping to the back of the book, he found what he was looking for.

“Brian is the most perfect person I have ever met. He is gorgeous and so talented. I wish I was more like him. I know he cares about me, he may even be in love with me. I just don’t think I love him. When we slept together the other night he called it ‘making love’. Is that it now? Every time we’ve had sex it’s been good, great even, but now we can’t, we have to ‘make love’? Why is he forcing this when everything is going so well? I love him, but I’m not in love with him...”

That’s where he’d stopped before. Who would have wanted to read on, knowing the person they were in love wasn’t in love with them?

“Or maybe I am? I’ve never actually been in love and my parents have a very strange way of showing it towards me, who knows? I know I always feel better around him, when I upset him it feels like I’m being ripped in half. I know he cares about me, probably more than anyone else does. I know he can make everything better without saying a word. I would do anything for him. It’s like, he completes me. Is that what love is? If it is, then I am certainly in it.”

Brian had tears in his eyes, he’d been stupid for doubting his friend. He rushed back down stairs, Stef was standing over a frying pan attempting to cook eggs.

STEFAN.

He was caught off guard, as Brian wrapped his arms around him from behind, gripping him tightly. “You’re so lovely.”

Stef smiled. He’d felt like such an idiot writing that entry in his book, what 18 year old boy has a diary, after all? But knowing it made Brian so happy, it was worth it. “I told you, you don’t have to worry. I know what I’m doing.”

***

He wasn’t due to work again until Wednesday after school but Stef was keen to have them test their songs before performing them on Friday for assessment.

“Hi Randy, it’s Stefan Olsdal.” Stef said brightly once the phone at the end of the line had been picked up.

“What can I do for you, Stef?”

“Well, I know you sometimes let bands give performances in store, and I realise it’s a huge ask, but I was wondering if maybe my mate and I could do something before Friday?” he was speaking too fast, he always did when he was nervous.

“Interesting you should ask actually. My nephew’s band are playing on Wednesday night, you and your mate can open for them if you like? You’ll only have ten or fifteen minutes but that’s the best I can do, I’m afraid.”

Stef’s face lit up. That had been much easier than he thought. “Yeah! Yeah that sounds great!”

“Sure thing. I don’t expect U2 or anything, but you fellas know what you’re doing, right?”

“Of course,” he lied. They may need to brush up a bit on their performing. “but can we maybe not be referred to by our real names? We’re kinda... wanting to go under the radar.”

“Fine by me. I’ll see you Wednesday. Your little friend too.”

The call had lasted hardly a minute but somehow Stef had secured their first gig.

BRIAN.

They ate breakfast back in bed, after which Stef started strumming away at his guitar. Brian couldn’t be more excited, they were actually going to be performing to people. Open minded people who had a real interest in music. Or, at least he hoped.

The smaller boy lay on his side, admiring the blonde’s long fingers running up the neck of the guitar. “Where did you get your lacy underwear?” he asked, smiling.
Brian hadn’t noticed it until now, but the singlet he’d borrowed from Stef had creeped up his side, revealing his entire lower half. “The shop?”

“Oh come on,” Stef laughed, putting the guitar down and running his hand lightly up his friend’s thigh. “one day you just walked into a lingerie shop and bought some women’s underwear?”

Brian blushed. There was more truth to that than Stef realised. “Well, one day, when I was about... fourteen, I was staying over at a friend’s house. It was the middle of the night, he was asleep, I was bored. I heard noises in his brother’s room so went to have a look and...” he smiled, it seemed like so long ago now.

“And what?”

“Well, my friend’s brother, Jonah, was about seventeen. He was in there, with his friend. Boyfriend I guess. They were making out, quite feverishly when he caught me peaking. I thought it would be really awkward and he’d yell but he didn’t. He told me to come in. What was I supposed to do? It was strange... I walked in and they hardly missed a beat. Jonah... he smiled at me and told me I could watch if I liked. That was the first time I’d seen two guys together, you know, for real. They were, so... hot. By the time they were finished... I had... too...”

Stefan grinned. “Oh you naughty boy.”

“You should have seen them!” Brian giggled.

“Is that when you realised you liked boys?”

“No, I worked that out before, but I’d never actually had any hands on experience, if you know what I mean. When they were... done... Jonah’s boyfriend, whatever his name was, gave me his underwear. They were really skimpy, almost see-through. At the time I thought that was weird and a bit disgusting, but after a while I realised it was actually a huge turn on. To this day it’s the sexiest thing anyone’s ever given me.”

Looking down Stef pulled at the elastic. “Are these them?”

“’Are these THEY.’” Brian corrected sarcastically. “And no, they’re not. I still have them, but don’t wear them. These days I get by by telling shop assistants I’m buying for my ‘girlfriend’.” He laughed.

“You should wear that when we do our thing on Wednesday night.”

“You want me to play in public, wearing my underwear and one of your singlets? I don’t know if that’ll leave the best impression.”

Stef rolled his eyes. “No I mean the singlet, it makes you looks so... yummy.” He grinned wickedly. “Wack some leggings or jeans on underneath or something.”

It was nice having Stefan be so open with him. In just the past day, Brian could see a huge difference in him. He was more relaxed and seemed happier. “If you insist, but I was thinking about wearing my sunnies, you know? I really don’t want to be recognised.”

“Only wankers wear sunglasses when they sing indoors,” Stef laughed. “can’t you find something at work? They must have all sorts of kooky hats and wigs and things.”

“You’ll have to wear a disguise too, otherwise there’s no point in me wearing one. People will figure it out.” Brian said, quite seriously.

“What people? Gees, you’d think we were robbing a bank!”

“Please?” he pleaded. Anonymity was important, at least for now.

“Whatever makes you happy.”

***

They rehearsed for the rest of the day until Brian had almost lost his voice. As much as he enjoyed singing, he wasn’t used to doing it for hours on end.

“Stef?” Brian asked nervously as the blonde put his guitar away, at long last.

“Hmm?”

“I was um... wondering...” he wasn’t sure how to bring this up. He knew what Stef’s reaction would likely be.

“Hold that thought.” The taller boy smiled, cupping Brian’s face and pulling him in close. He was getting used to the spontaneous romance, and loving it, but now wasn’t the best time.

“S-Ste-“ unable to finish, the black haired boy found his words drowned out by his friend’s warm mouth pushing against his. Those familiar, large hands running down his shoulders, pushing off the little clothing he had on. Catching on, Brian quickly detached himself and pulled Stef’s t-shirt over his head.

STEFAN AND BRIAN.

Stef pushed the two of them onto his bed. He’d been admiring Brian all day and had finally reached breaking point. He was well and truly aroused by the time they had each completely stripped off. No matter how many times he saw Brian’s naked body, it never ceased to turn him on, more and more each time.

“Stef...” Brian half moaned, pushing the larger boy aside .

Stefan was fiddling with the lid on the tube of lube. “Huh?” he asked, finally getting it open.

“Can I be on top?” the smaller boy held his breath, afraid of what his friend’s reaction was going to be.

“Sure, whatever you want.” Stef smiled wetting his hands.

“No I mean, can I... fuck you? You know, instead of the other way around?”

The colour vanished from the blonde’s face. “W-why?”

‘Why?’ Brian thought, ‘why does he think?!’ “Well,” he started. “it’s something I’d like to do... with you.”

“Only one person has ever-“

“I know,” the black haired boy smiled, sitting up. “I know, that’s one of the reasons I want to. I think you’d like it, with us I mean.”

Stef didn’t know what to say, it wasn’t something he’d considered, to be honest. “I don’t know...” he muttered, looking away.

“Do you trust me?” Brian smiled.

“Of course, but-“

“If you want me to stop, I will. Promise.”

Stefan closed his eyes. “Ok.”

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A/N: Thoughts, likes/dislikes, criticism? If it's crap tell me, if you want more, tell me, if you wish I'd stop putting A/N at the end of every chapter, tell me =)
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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)