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Your Guardian Angel	By : CedricIsForLovers Category: My Chemical Romance > General Views: 2632 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Thanks for the reviews everyone!!!

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”- My Chemical Romance

Well if you wanted honesty
That’s all you had to say
I never want to let you down
Or have you go
It’s better off this way
For all the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
Remember when you broke your foot
From jumping out the second floor

I’m not okay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you
That it’s not the life it seems? (I’m not okay)
I’ve told you time and time again
You sing the words but
Don’t know what it means (I’m not okay)
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook
For the last time
Take a good hard look

I’m not okay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book
But the pages are all torn and fray now

I’m okay
I’m okay
I’m okay now (I’m okay now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I’m telling you the truth
I mean this
I’m okay
Trust me

I’m not okay
I’m not okay
Well I’m not okay
I’m not o-fucking-kay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay

..Jillian’s POV..

-May 2, 2004-

It had been a few days since the message board incident and we were all heading home in two days. At the moment, Ray and I were having an epic battle in Donkey Conga while the others were sprawled out around the bus.
“Damn I suck at this game!” Ray complained.
“You’re a musician Ray! How is it you have no rhythm?” I asked teasingly. He scowled as we competed again.
“Baby you’re phones been going off for the past ten minutes,” Frank said, coming into the back room with my ringing phone. I looked at the called ID and saw it was Hannah. Ray paused the game. “You’re lucky Toro,” I said and took the phone from Frank with a smile. “Hello?” I asked after flipping it open.
“Jill?” my sister asked. She didn’t sound like herself though. She sounded as though she had been crying.
“Hannah? You OK?” I asked. She started sobbing and my heart was beginning to pound in my chest. “Han what’s wrong?” I asked worriedly.
“Are you near a computer right now?” she asked and sniffled.
“Yeah,” I said. “Hey Ray can I see your laptop for a minute?” I asked him.
“Sure,” he replied and handed it to me.
“Go to newsday.com,” she told me. I clicked on the internet explorer and went to the website. There was a large picture of a destroyed white car with big bold letters over it saying: “FATAL CAR WRECK LEAVES ONE TEEN DEAD AND ANOTHER CRITICALLY INJURED.”
“Now what?” I asked.
“Read the story,” she said and started crying again. I scrolled down and began to read:
“Two Manhasset teens were in a fatal car crash last night as they headed home from the annual church fair. The driver, Colin Ventrice was killed instantly when he lost control of the car and slammed into a telephone pole on Searingtown Road at 10:40pm. The passenger Alicia Lovett was critically injured and is in ICU at North Shore hospital in stable condition. Ventrice, 18, was a senior at Manhasset High School set to graduate next month along with Lovett.” That was as far as I could read as my breathing was constricting and everything was fuzzy.
“Jilly?” I heard Frank question before everything went black.
“Jilly baby? Can you hear me? Please open your eyes,” I heard Frank’s worried voice, although it sounded far away. I felt a cold rag on my face and I stirred, feeling myself regaining consciousness. My whole body ached and I was shaking. I opened my eyes and saw five faces starting down at me with concern. My head was resting on Frank’s lap and he was gently wiping a cool, wet washcloth on my forehead.
“W-what happened?” I choked out.
“You were on the phone with your sister and reading something on the internet when you just collapsed,” Frank explained. “Is everything all right?” he asked. Then everything came back to me and I sat up fast, making the others back away quickly so I wouldn’t hit them.
“Colin,” I whispered and felt myself start to have a severe panic attack and black out again. Frank noticed and held me tightly from behind.
“No, stay right here with me sweetie. Take deep breaths. Nice, slow, deep breaths,” he soothed. Tears sprang in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I was breathing heavily and my heart was beating so fast I thought it would explode.
“Frank she’s gonna pass out again,” Gerard said worriedly and grabbed the dropped washcloth from the floor. He kneeled in front of me and pressed it to my forehead, trying to keep me awake. Mikey looked scared, and Matt and Ray were looking at the computer screen, reading the story.
“Peanut relax,” Gerard told me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even talk.
“Oh God. Jill you know them?” Ray asked me, pointing to the screen. I sobbed loudly and nodded. Colin. How could Colin be dead? I’d known him since sixth grade and we always had classes together. He was my lab partner in Biology and Chemistry and always on my All-Star volleyball team the day before Christmas break.
“We make a great team Palamino. Let’s show these kids how Volleyball is REALLY played,” I heard his voice echoing in my head. Ray had showed the story to the others and Frankie held me tighter while he read it. I was crying hysterically now and Frank kissed my temple, rocking me gently back and forth.
“Let it out baby, let it out,” he whispered in my ear. The others were at a lost for words. The only sounds coming from the bus were my loud sobbing and the music from the game that was still paused.
“H-Hannah,” I whispered, swallowing hard.
“She hung up,” Mikey said, picking my phone up off the floor and closing it. No one was saying anything. They were all just looking at me, not knowing what to say or do.
“Sweetheart you need to lie down,” Frank said. Was he kidding? I was too upset to do anything except curl up in a ball and cry. I shook my head.
“I can’t,” I whispered, more tears just falling down my face.
“Gerard do you have an extra Xanax? Just to calm her down,” Frank said worriedly.
“Yeah, let me get it,” he said and got up, going into the kitchen area. He came back with a glass of water and a pill, handing them both to Frank. Frank took them and held them to my lips, but I refused.
“Baby please take it. You’re gonna make yourself sick,” he cooed. I took a deep breath, letting him put it in my mouth. He held the glass to my lips and I sipped the water, feeling the pill go down my throat. Frank handed the water back to Gerard and held me tightly, trying to slow my breathing. After a few minutes, my body was relaxing and my eyes were drooping shut. Frank picked me up bridal style and sat on the couch still holding me closely. My fingers which were gripping his shirt tightly, loosened considerably as the Xanax took affect. It didn’t make me tired, just feel relaxed and out of it.
“I won’t leave your side,” Frank whispered to me. I hated being sedated, so I closed my eyes and forced myself to fall asleep. A few hours later, I awoke feeling less relaxed. I looked up and Frank was passed out. We were the only ones back here now and we were still driving. Slowly, I got up and stumbled to the door. I opened it and almost collapsed to my knees, but someone caught me.
“Whoa, easy there,” Mikey said. I looked up and he gave me a sad smile, steadying me. “I was just about to come back here and wake you two. You all right?” he asked.
“Been better,” I answered and bit my lip. My heart was still shattered from the news I received earlier.
“Why don’t you go sit up front with the others? I’ll wake Frank,” he said and I nodded. Holding onto the wall for support, I made my way to the front of the bus. Ray, Gee, and Matt were playing poker and I walked looked up when I walked in.
“Hey Jill. Wanna join in?” Matt asked. I shook my head and went over to the refrigerator. I pulled out a can of Bud Light and began to chug it.
“So you’re just gonna drink all your problems away?” I heard Frank say. I looked over and he was staring at me.
“What else am I supposed to do?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Talk to me? Talk to any of us? There are better ways then what you’re doing,” he stated.
“I don’t wanna talk Frank. It hurts too fucking much to talk,” I said and finished the beer. I went to grab another, but his hand stopped me.
“I know it hurts Jilly. I’ve been there before and I know how much it sucks. You just want to stop thinking and stop feeling, but you can’t. It’s OK to be weak and cry about it, but eventually you’re going to have to face it and deal with it. It’s not going to be easy, but it will get better. You will be OK,” he said.
“Just please let me deal with this the way I want to,” I pleaded, tears forming in my eyes.
“Jill I don’t care if you drink, you know that. Right now though, you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons and I will not sit back and watch you hurt yourself. I love you way too much,” he said softly. I opened my mouth to speak, but the bus came to a halt.
“We’re at the hotel,” Gerard said, looking out the window.
“Come on baby. Let’s go to our room and just relax,” he said. The others got up and went into the hallway to get their things and I followed, not replying to Frank. After I grabbed my stuff, he grabbed his and we all got off the bus, walking into the hotel. We were in Madrid and were lucky that one of the roadies spoke Spanish so everything would be easier. After getting handed our room keys, we got into the elevator and made our way up. We were all on the same floor.
“Be back down in the lobby in three hours,” Brian said before retreating into his room. Frank stuck our key card into the slot and opened the door. I walked passed him, dropped my stuff on the bed before going into the bathroom and locking the door. I heard him sigh and turn the TV on. I wasn’t mad at Frank I just needed to think. I needed to be by myself and try and figure out what was going on in my head. I decided a nice hot shower would help me so I stripped off my clothes and turned the water on. Tears ran down my face as I thought about Colin. Why him? He was such a good person, always thinking of other’s before himself. The picture of the mangled car flashed through my mind and I sobbed loudly. My head cleared as I cried harder and harder. I was grieving and mourning for the loss of a friend. Pretty soon my body was hurting from sobbing so hard and I calmed myself down as best as I could. I turned the water off and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop the tears from leaking out of the corners of my eyes. I took a deep breath and went out to face Frank. He was sitting on the edge of the mattress staring at the TV, but not really watching it. He looked up when I walked into the room.
“I heard you crying,” he stated. “You locked the door.” I nodded.
“I just… needed to think,” I said brokenly.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked. I shook my head. “Are you sure?”
“Frank I’m not mad at you,” I said and wiped my eyes even though it was pointless since more tears were falling down my face. “I just needed to be alone.”
“You should have told me. I can’t read your mind,” he said tiredly. I bit my lip.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t apologize. You’re upset. You have every right to be. You just need to let me know what you want Jillian. If you wanted to be alone, you should have said something. I would have left you alone,” he said.
“I know… I’m just… I’m fucked up OK? My head is spinning and these fucking tears just won’t stop falling! It hurts Frank. It hurts so fucking bad,” I said and broke down again. Frank stood up and came over to me, enveloping me into a tight hug.
“Shhh it’s going to be OK sweetheart,” he whispered comfortingly. “I’m here if you need me. Whatever you want, just tell me.” I sniffled and looked up at him. He looked concerned and worried. I stood on my tip-toes and kissed him, running my fingers through his hair. He kissed back and pulled me closer. His tongue entered my mouth and I moaned, pushing him back to the bed. He sat on the edge of the mattress again and I climbed onto his lap, facing him. In one swift movement, pulled the towel off of me and dropped it to the floor. He broke the kiss to stare at my body. I took his hand in mine and sucked on his index finger, earning a moan from him.
“Touch me,” I whispered after taking his now wet finger out of my mouth and bringing it down to my hot center. He stroked my clit and I threw my head back, moaning loudly. He pushed the finger into me and I bucked my hips, trying to get closer. I could only imagine what we looked like. I was completely naked on top of a fully clothed Frank, who was fingering me. I bit my lip as the image came into my mind. I reached in between us and undid his pants. He pulled his finger out of me and began to suck on it greedily as I pulled his shirt up. He took it off and laid back on the bed as I pulled his jeans and boxers down to his knees. His cock was so hard and ready to go. I began to grind myself against him, lubing him up with my own juices. He moaned and his hands went to my hips.
“Say it Frank,” I whispered lustily.
“Fuck me Jill,” he said roughly and I slammed myself down on his erection, biting my lips together to keep from crying out.
“FUCK!” he yelled in pleasure. It hurt me and I knew it would. I wanted it to hurt. I needed this pain to distract me from the pain in my heart. I began to ride him as fast and as hard as I could. It was almost unbearable now and tears ran down my face. I don’t know why I kept going. This wasn’t helping me. The pain I felt in my heart was still overriding the physical pain I was inflicting upon myself. I don’t understand why people cut if the emotional pain still hurts. “JILL STOP!” Frank yelled and sat up, holding my hips to stop me. I was full out crying now and Frank grabbed my face, making me look him in the eye. “You’re hurting yourself. I know you are and I know why you’re doing it. Baby it’s not going to help, it’s going to make you feel worse,” he said and wiped my tears with his thumbs. He rolled us over so now he was on top and kissed me softly. Slowly and gently, he pulled out and sunk back into my now very sore hole and I whimpered.
“It’s OK Jilly. I’ll make you feel good,” he whispered. The tears were still falling, but now I wasn’t sure why I was crying. Was it because I was touched? Frank stopped me when he knew I was hurting myself physically with sex. It takes a real man to do that. Or was it because I was still sad about Colin? I think it was both, but I can’t be too sure. Frank’s lips pressed light kisses on my neck as he held my body close, still slowly thrusting. The pain had pretty much disappeared except for a dull ache and I lifted my hips up so he could hit the right spot. My breathing was heavy as was his and he moaned quietly in my ear each time he entered me. It was at that moment I realized that I didn’t need to hurt myself to get rid of other pain. I needed love, Frank’s love. He kissed my tears away before kissing me fully on the lips.
“Are you OK?” he asked. I nodded and buried my face in his neck, feeling my orgasm approach. Frank’s gentle movements were taking me to heights I’ve never known before and I cried out, reaching my peak the same time he reached his.
“Jilly,” he whispered in my ear as he let go. Once we caught our breath, he kissed me again, still inside of me and slightly rocking back and forth. My body trembled in his arms as he gave me a soft smile.
“We haven’t made love like that in awhile,” he said. “I liked it. I want it more often,” he added.
“We’ve never done it that slow. Only our first time. It was amazing. I felt everything, every movement, every sensation,” I said. He leaned down and kissed me and slowly pulled out. I was sore and felt stupid for what I did earlier.
“You hurting?” he asked and I nodded, not meeting his gaze. He laid beside me and held me close, kissing my forehead. “Please don’t do that again,” he pleaded. I sighed and rested my forehead on his chest.
“I’m sorry. I just…” I said, not being able to find the words to say.
“I know. I don’t like to see you hurt Jilly, especially if you’re the one hurting yourself. It’s not healthy,” he said. I looked up at him and he stroked my cheek.
“I think we have to get ready,” I said. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to lie here in his arms all night.
“Yeah. I’d rather just cancel the show and spend time with you,” he said, but I shook my head.
“Just one more show after tonight and we can go home,” I said and closed my eyes. I wished I didn’t have to go home. I didn’t want to go back and deal with everything.
“If you want me to Jilly, I’ll be there. If you need me with you, I will be,” he said. I shrugged.
“I don’t know right now. I do need you there, but part of me thinks I should face this on my own. I don’t know what to do,” I said and tears of frustration came to my eyes.
“Baby it’s OK. I won’t get upset or hurt if you want to go by yourself. It might help you. Just know I’ll be there after,” he said and I nodded.
“I think I should go to the wake and funeral alone,” I whispered. I felt bad, but I knew it was the right decision.
“That’s fine princess. You need your friends now. Ones who also knew him. They’re going through what you are,” he told me.
“I just don’t want you to think I don’t need you.”
“I know you need me Jill. I’ll be there when you get home to talk or just hold you,” he whispered and kissed me.
“I love you Frank.”
“I love you too Jillian.” We reluctantly got out of bed and started to get ready. I was walking around walking like I had just lost my virginity again and I hoped no one else would notice. Once we were dressed, we headed out and went down to the lobby.
“Just get off a horse?” Gerard whispered in my ear. I bit my lip and looked away.
“Gee not now,” Frank said. Once everyone joined us, we got into a van and headed off to eat before the show. We were seated and not only was I uncomfortable, I was also not hungry.
“You already know what you’re getting?” Frank asked, looking at my closed menu.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Jilly you have to eat something,” he said.
“I’m not hungry. I just wanna lay down,” I said quietly so only he could hear.
“I know you do. I want to also. Do you want us to bring you back to the hotel after so you can relax?” he asked and I shook my head.
“I’ll be right back,” I said and got p, going to the bathroom. It was a one stall bathroom with a lock on the door and very clean. In between my legs was throbbing so bad and I cursed myself for being such a fucking jackass. There was a knock at the door.
“Someone’s in here,” I said.
“It’s Frank,” I heard him say. I unlocked the door and let him in. He shut it quickly and locked it again. “Does it hurt that bad?” he asked.
“It’s killing me,” I said.
“Are you bleeding?” he asked. I pulled my pants down and breathed a sigh of relief. No blood. Frank sat me down on the closed toilet seat and kneeled in front of me. He pulled my jeans and panties off the rest of the way and spread my legs.
“You’re all red and swollen,” he said, touching it lightly and I winced. “Don’t worry baby. I’ll kiss it and make it all better,” he whispered and leaned forward, dragging his tongue up my slit. I gasped at the unexpected feeling and thread my fingers in his hair. He tongued and sucked on my clit and I moaned uncontrollably, pushing my hips further in his face. He pulled away and used his thumb to rub me while he shoved his tongue in me, moving it in and out. I cried out and it echoed in the small space as I came intensely in his mouth. Frank licked me dry and gave me a smile while I tried to slow my heart rate.
“How’s that baby? All better?” he asked. I nodded and swallowed hard. Standing up on shaky legs, I pulled on my panties and jeans again before fixing my hair and seeing that my face was all flushed. “Jilly will you please eat something for me?” he asked before we walked out.
“Frank I’m really not hungry.”
“I know you’re not, but you haven’t eaten a thing all day. If you don’t want to order something, can you eat some of mine?” he asked. I sighed.
“OK. For you Frank, I will,” I said and we headed back to the table.
“Were you guys banging?” Ray asked as we sat down.
“No we were talking,” Frank said.
“Then what’s on your chin?” Brian asked amused. Frank blushed a little and wiped my juices off of his chin before sucking it off of his fingers.
“Don’t want to let that go to waste now do we?” Frank said casually and I turned bright red, burying my face in the menu.
“Smooth you two, real smooth,” Mikey said, rolling his eyes. We ordered food and I ate a few bites of Frank’s fajitas, but I started to feel sick since I had been crying most of the day. Once everyone was finished, we headed out to the venue so the guys could perform their second to last show.
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Your Guardian Angel