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Miwaku no Zakuro	By : Tcharlatan Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2861 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. I do not personally know any of the members of Dir en grey, X Japan, or KISAKI, and do not profit from this work.

Chapter List
- 23
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- 25
“Fuck! I can’t do this!”
Toshiya sighed, watching Kyo push away from the low table and flop onto the floor with over-dramatic, defeated petulance. Across the table between them, countless redundant sheets of paper spread in a dizzying mess of grainy pictures and prosaic words; the source of so many headaches and so much abject frustration for them both. Toshiya rose on his knees a bit to look over the table at his unruly charge, who had now slipped a hand under his new reading glasses and was rubbing tiredly at his eyes.
“Oh quit your sulking, it’s not that bad! There’s only a couple dozen people to memorize, any half-decent courtesan could manage at least twice this much.”
Kyo bristled with frustrated offense. “Then maybe He should get a half-decent courtesan to flaunt around at this stupid party.”
Sometimes he wondered if Toshiya wasn’t too easy to talk to. There were some thoughts he really would rather keep to himself, if only because they bordered dangerously close to outright rebellion. But ever since Kaoru had informed him that he would be “debuting” at his master’s annual Christmas party, he’d been spending the bulk of his days with the blue-haired man in preparation, and it was difficult to stay reticent around him. Toshiya always wanted him to talk, and he really could only be so diplomatic for so long before his real thoughts and opinions started creeping through. The taller man was simply too congenial for Kyo to be anything short of himself, in spite of his best efforts.
For the first couple of days, he’d worried every time a too-honest opinion or frustrated refusal to cooperate surfaced within himself, but the blue-haired man was always patient with him, always cheerful, and he found a surprising amount of comfort in that freedom. Toshiya man would offer him a gentle warning every now and again, when he crossed a line that Kaoru wouldn’t have forgiven if he had been present to witness it, but otherwise let him speak his peace. He also had a somewhat unique perspective on the situation that Kyo was in; not necessarily sympathetic, because he certainly didn’t feel bad for Kyo, but understanding that this life was outside the scope of the blonde’s experience, and always willing to offer advice and support. In a lot of ways, Toshiya’s blunt-yet-accommodating nature helped him to reconcile his own personality with the expectations placed on him as Kaoru’s pet, which was an indispensable gift.
Besides, though he’d never admit it, he was lonely when Kaoru was working, and Toshiya was good company.
“Propriety demands he bring his personal companion, and that’s you, sweetness. It also demands that you be familiar with the bigwigs that show up to these things, and the proper etiquette for dealing with them.”
“I’m only His companion because… I don’t know, He likes my blowjobs? Not for my social skills, that’s for damn sure.”
Toshiya grinned. “Well, sorry, but you can’t spend the rest of your life in the bedroom. Besides, if you do a good job, it’ll make Kaoru extra happy, and maybe he’ll give you an extra-special reward.”
Kyo sat up, frowning. “Don’t say that.”
“Eh?” The grin faded, and the blue-haired man’s head cocked curiously to one side. “Why not? What’s wrong with rewards?”
The blonde averted his burning gaze just a bit. “If I only keep Him happy because I want gifts from Him, that makes me a whore. If I keep Him happy because I’m afraid of Him, that makes me a victim. I never want to be either… ah, no offense.”
“None taken. I made my bed years ago, and I’m man enough to sleep in it – cum-soaked sheets and all. Why do you keep him happy then?”
“Well… if I keep Him happy just because I want Him to be happy… without any regard for how it affects me directly, then I’m just-”
“In love?” Toshiya cut in, maybe a little too excitedly.
Kyo’s lips quirked up in a wry smile. “Altruistic. You read too many romance novels.” He sighed then, plucking absently at the folds of his dusky-violet hakama. “…That’s what I tell myself, anyways. I guess if I’m being honest with myself, I do like the rewards, and I am afraid of making Him angry…”
Toshiya rolled back a bit and unfolded his legs, reaching his arms up to pull the entirety of his body into a languid stretch. He didn’t really mind the break in their lessons, after spending the morning rehearsing Kyo’s debut performance, then a couple hours drilling etiquette while their lunch settled before they would start rehearsing again. “Really? I think you’re one of the best companions Kao’s had. He’s been so damn happy lately; he’s almost back to the way he was before he took over the family. When’s the last time you even managed to make him angry?”
Kyo’s answer was immediate, requiring no consideration. “When I took His cell phone while He was sleeping.”
“And how long ago was that?”
Again, no hesitation. “Twenty-nine days.”
“See? Almost a whole month! I think you worry too much, you’ve got good instincts for this.”
Kyo huffed a little, but chose to neither argue nor agree. A month spent on his master’s good side had gone a very long way to soothing the chaotic turmoil inside him, as Kaoru had a surprisingly affectionate nature in his quieter moments. Kyo was treated as a cherished pet – spoken to in calm, smooth tones; touched with gentle hands; gradually given more and more freedoms, more and more small gifts; smiled at and petted and praised for his efforts to please – and he had mostly relaxed into the mellowed handling. The part of him that yearned for the older man’s kindness had become the dominate force in his mind.
But there was still a little bit of him that feared Kaoru’s darker side; that shivered when the man came back to their quarters in a sour mood and stilled his tongue when the honesty asked of him was too bitter for propriety. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was not broken only because Kaoru chose not to break him, and he struggled always to maintain that fragile truce.
“I don’t think I can do this,” he grumbled again, more for the sake of obstinacy this time than out of any real frustration.
Toshiya chuckled a bit, catching the change in tone. “That’s a damn shame. I guess I’ll have to tell Kao to find a second-best. Die will be heartbroken to hear it.”
Kyo’s head came up, a confused frown tugging at his brow. “…Die? Why would Die be upset?”
“Well he was just so excited to hear that you would be debuting at his birthday party. He’ll be crushed when he finds out his favorite little brother couldn’t cut it.”
“Birthday party? I thought this was a Christmas party?”
“That’s what’s on the invitations, yeah, but we hold it every year on the twentieth for Die’s birthday, just because he loves the holidays so much. He’s been bugging me every night at dinner to tell him what your performance is going to be.”
Kyo bit his lip a little, looking back down at the hated papers on the table. His trepidation for the party was almost enough to risk Kaoru’s disappointment by finding some reason to be excused from it. He was absolutely terrified at the prospect of performing alone on a massive stage in front of hundreds of strangers, and following that with an evening rubbing elbows with mafia big shots made his stomach shudder. But now, not only was he risking upsetting Kaoru, but Die too? He liked Die; the idea of souring that damnably sweet smile made his chest ache, just a little. And he knew Toshiya would be hurt by it as well, counting it as a failure after so many days of effort trying to get Kyo ready… With a resigned sigh, he pushed his glasses back into place on his nose and picked up the profile he’d been working on memorizing.
Toshiya blinked, a little surprised. “What, no more fussing? That easy?” He laughed a bit. “Oh, honey, don’t tell me you’ve got a thing for Die!”
Kyo scowled over the top of the paper. “Of course I don’t. I’m not that stupid.”
Toshiya stiffened a bit, his face caught between confusion, offense, and hurt. “What does that mean? Why would it be stupid to like Die?”
One delicate eyebrow quirked. “It would be stupid for me to like Die for a lot of reasons. Not the least of which being that, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m somewhat spoken for.” Kyo tugged pointedly at Kaoru’s emblem hanging at his throat. “And I know full well that my master is as jealous as He is vain.”
Which was truly saying something, considering the extent of Kaoru’s vanity. Kyo had, more than once, watched on with utter fascination as his master went through the convoluted morning rituals of primping himself for the day. Everything – his hair, his skin, his nails, his clothes, his jewelry – was maintained to the highest possible standards, and may the gods help the housekeeper that allowed a crease to mar a jacket or failed to refill an empty bottle of soap. In Kyo’s eyes, Kaoru was the very embodiment of the Sin of Pride, wrath and even lust taking a backseat more often than not.
“Besides, I…” Kyo hesitated a bit, finding his next thought to be too sentimental for his tastes, but carried on because he didn’t like how upset Toshiya looked. “I would never want to try to take him away from you.”
Toshiya’s face went stark white, then blushed to a brilliant red, his voice coming out somewhat strangled. “W-what… what do you…?”
Kyo returned his gaze to his studies. “I’ve seen the way you look at him, the way you talk to him, the way you touch him… it’s a little less than the way you interact with everyone else, because you don’t want to be caught, but a little more, because it means so much more to you when it’s him. Even if I had a chance with someone like Die, I wouldn’t do that to you. You’re…”
‘…What?’
‘My friend?’
‘My… brother?’
“…Nevermind. I just wouldn’t want to hurt you that way.”
He heard a shifting of cloth and looked up, surprised to see Toshiya had vanished from the other side of the table. Turning, he found the taller man standing next to him, staring down at him so intently that for a moment he thought Toshiya was going to hit him. He set his papers down, opening his mouth to apologize for speaking aloud what was obviously something of a secret, but before he could get out so much as a single word, the blue-haired man was descending on him. He knelt there, perfectly frozen, hands held out to the side with no clue what to do with them, as long arms wound around him and he was clutched against a thin chest.
“Ah… Toshi…?”
“You are the sweetest, most beautiful little brother I’ve ever had,” Toshiya murmured in his ear, voice trembling a bit with emotion.
‘Oh jeez…’
‘He must have it worse for Die than I thought.’
‘And Die doesn’t even…’
‘Poor bastard.’
Kyo sighed and returned the hug awkwardly.
“Please don’t tell anyone?”
He chuckled a bit, sympathetically, at the pleading in the older man’s voice. “You know I have to tell Master Kaoru if He asks… but I’ll try to keep it to myself.”
Toshiya sniffled, burying his face in the crook of Kyo’s neck. “…Thanks…”
They knelt that way for a long time. Kyo wondered to himself if he was really the only one to have noticed Toshiya’s infatuation and, if so, how long the blue-haired man had been keeping it to himself. It had to be a painful secret for one so extroverted. Kyo himself had only spotted it because he spent so much time silently observing Kaoru and his friends every time he was allowed out to join their gatherings. He’d also figured out some things about Shinya and Die that they probably didn’t intend for him to know, but he only really saw Die when the redhead escorted him to and from the courtesan house for his daily lessons, and he’d never once been alone with Shinya to speak of such things. When Toshiya did manage to pull himself together, Kyo politely ignored the man’s bloodshot eyes and blotchy cheeks, surreptitiously wiping away the mascara-laden tear streaks left on his bare shoulder while Toshiya cleaned up his own face.
The rest of the afternoon passed by as the last week or so had; he studied the names and profiles of other mafia bigwigs that would be coming to Kaoru’s party until Toshiya got himself back under control, then they spent a couple hours rehearsing Kyo’s performance. No matter how many times they ran through it, he was still nervous. It would be his first time alone on a well-lit stage in front of people who weren’t drunk and/or high, and the show was much more elaborate than anything he’d done at the bar, so he wanted to practice as much as he possibly could to be sure he wasn’t going to botch the whole thing. Three o’clock rolled around, and Toshiya bid him farewell with another crushing hug before shooing him out into the hallway and disappearing into his own quarters.
‘Pining in privacy, no doubt.’
Kyo looked around for Die and saw no sign of the lanky redhead. He sighed to himself and moved out of the hallway to the main room of the building, settling himself onto the arm of a cushy chair facing the entrance to wait. As tired as he was, he knew that if he sat properly in the chair, he’d fall asleep straight away, and the endless stares he got from passersby every time he was out and about in this place made him hesitant to risk such vulnerability.
‘People are always fucking staring at me here…’
Minutes ticked by on the clock over the door, and by three-thirty, Kyo began to get restless.
‘Where the hell is Die?’
‘Master will be upset if I’m not there when He gets back…’
Chewing absently at his thumbnail, Kyo weighed his options. He wasn’t expressly forbidden to wander the mansion on his own, but he’d never really gone anywhere without an escort, so he assumed he wasn’t supposed to move about alone. But, he’d been back and forth between Kaoru’s quarters and Toshiya’s realm enough times to have the route down well enough, even if he wasn’t familiar with the rest of the mansion, so it wasn’t like he’d get lost. And Kaoru would be upset if Kyo wasn’t there waiting for him when he returned from his work…
With that thought in mind, he found himself rising from his seat and drifting out through the main entry rooms of the courtesan house, out into the long hallway connecting the little building to the main mansion. The halls were busier than normal; there were only thirteen days left before the big Christmas party and everyone was working round the clock to ensure the whole thing went off without a hitch. Kyo kept close to the wall, feeling oddly exposed as he made his way down the hall. Everywhere he went, people seemed to watch him, and he wished – not for the first time – that Kaoru would let him wear a kimono under his hakama so he wasn’t bare-chested all the time.
‘And they still look nervous…’
‘I thought it was because of Die, but... it’s me too, isn’t it?’
‘…No.’
‘It’s what I am to Him.’
‘Everything comes back to Him…’
‘FUCK!’
Kyo bristled, shoulders hunching as a wave of goosebumps washed over him from a chilly blast of wind against his side. Then he realized what it meant. Wide gold eyes came around slowly, ever so slowly, to the door he’d just passed in front of, hanging open onto the wide expanse of gardens and koi ponds. All at once, all the noise and crowds and movement around him seemed to fade away, and all he could see was the wide open beauty of a winterswept garden laid out in front of him like a glorious feast for his senses. The sun just beginning to think of setting, the clean air, the sleeping plants, the quiet trickle of water and the peep of birds settling in… they called to him.
‘It’s so… beautiful.’
‘I… could…’
‘No one’s with me…’
‘Should I… run?’
His breath caught in his throat at the thought. To be free again… to feel wind in his hair and grass on his feet… to cross back into the light after so long living in the dark world his master ruled over… To take his life back into his own hands and finally be done being confused and afraid and ashamed all the time…
‘But… where would I go?’
‘He needs me still.’
‘I want to be free…’
‘Kisaki took everything from me, and-’
‘The others need me too… Die and Toshiya and Shinya…’
‘I need to be free…’
‘Wouldn’t He just hunt me down?’
‘They take care of me…’
‘Everything out there just… hurts…’
‘I want…’
‘I just want… to be happy…’
Kyo was absolutely torn. Part of him wanted to run and never stop running until his last breath escaped him and he could run no more. It wanted to wear his own clothes and sleep in his own bed and go to the grocery store and pay bills and all the trivial meaningless bullshit that he’d once taken for granted. It wanted to regain control of his life. Part of him was terrified of a disobedience that would surpass all others before it, possibly pushing Kaoru over that final boundary of tolerance where the man finally just killed him. It feared the resources at his master’s command and their ability to track him down wherever he might go, either to put him down on the spot or drag him back here for punishment.
Part of him – a bigger part than he wanted to admit – didn’t want to leave because he knew he was still needed here. It knew that Kaoru still needed Kyo to take care of him, to keep him happy. It knew that Die and Shinya and Toshiya still needed him to take care of Kaoru as well, to reach the places in the older man that they couldn’t and sooth away the strains of life as a mob lord. It knew – or maybe just hoped, lonely and yearning for friendship that didn’t stab him the moment his back was turned – that they might even miss him for his own sake. Toshiya would, he was almost certain, especially after today. And Die seemed quite fond of him. Shinya, he could never really tell, and Kaoru…
“Oh, thank the gods! There you are, I thought for sure Kaoru was going to have my head for forgetting you out here-…”
Kyo turned his head at the sound of Die’s voice, the bare longing and hopeless confusion written across his face telling the redhead plainly of his thoughts. Die stared down at him for a moment, then slowly shrugged out of his jacket and wrapped it around the younger man’s shoulders, gently pulling him away from the door and the intoxicating, terrifying freedom it offered. As they walked away from it, Kyo twisted his neck around to stare, almost happy to have the choice taken away because he simply couldn’t make it himself.
“Come on, you’re going to freeze standing around in the wind like that,” Die chided gently, saying nothing of the thoughts of escape he knew the younger man had been entertaining.
“It was… so beautiful… don’t you ever want to go outside, Die?” Kyo wondered, sounding lost.
Die smiled down at him. “Maybe later, little brother. Right now we have to get you back to Kao; he’s had a rough day.”
“Oh…” Kyo spared once last glance toward the door as a passing security guard shivered and pulled it shut, then turned to face forward. “Right… I guess I should go take care of Him, then…”
~*~
A whisper called out in the dead of night, searching for something from the body wrapped so possessively around his own. "…Master?"
The response took a moment, a low voice gone husky with sleepy satiation. "Un?"
"Do you… do you care… about me?"
A yawn. "I value all of my possessions, pet."
"But… me, as a person…?"
"I don't know you as a person yet. I can't say for certain either way."
"…Oh…"
The forthright honesty was as comforting as the physical imitation of love was painful.
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Miwaku no Zakuro