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Coming Home	By : SujiChan Category: Dir en grey > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 1406 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not know Dir en grey. This is just a work of fiction to entertain. I make no money off of it.

Chapter List
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Saika gasped. “They didn’t!” When I nodded she patted my arm sympathetically. “Welcome to my world,” she sighed. “Well, except they never found me in bed with my boyfriend. But they did interrupt some kissing by dragging the guy away, and I’d never hear from him again. The bastards! I hate my brothers.”

I chuckled. “You know damn well you love them to death.”

“Death being the operative word. I’ve often wanted to kill them. Tried to kill Di… some of them a few times, actually.” She suddenly turned to the rice cooker and kept rather intent focus on it as though her staring hard at it would make the rice cook faster.

“Why are your brothers so worried about what would happen if I regain all my memories?” I asked, knowing she had to be aware of the answer, she was their sister, and had been my bff for our whole lives. I saw her shoulders start to lift in a shrug, and I shook my cooking chopsticks at her. “Don’t tell me you have no idea. I know you do.” Her mouth opened, and I knew she would argue that point. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t know.”

Saika took a deep breath, glanced at me, and deflated. “Dammit, I hate when you make me look you in the eye. I could never lie to you.” She glowered at me. “Suji, don’t ask me to tell you why.” I opened my mouth to press her, but she shook her head. Real concern shone in her dark eyes. “There’s a reason why you can’t remember. Something you’re mind is holding back from you because it hurt you. I can’t be the reason why it hurts you again.”

Automatically I hugged her. I would never do anything to hurt her either. She’d always been more like family to me than just a friend. Her whole family had… Well, except for Toshiya and… I frowned, trying to let the thought finish itself, but it went blank. “I’m sorry. I’d never want to do anything that hurts you either.”

She pulled back, smiling. “I know. So… you almost had real sex! Tell all the gory details, but please don’t use my brother’s name. I really don’t want to think of sex in detail in relation to any of my brothers because it would kill the mood for me.”

I laughed.
………………………………

“I’m sick of this,” Toshiya growled, pacing the bedroom. He’d entered the one Kaoru, Kyo and Shinya shared. “I’m sick of pretending, and I’m sick of running around like I’m doing something illegal. I’m going to tell Die the truth.”

“Not a good idea,” Kyo replied. He was at the closet door, wearing only a towel and choosing what to wear. Dropping the towel he began to pull on a pair of denims. “What do you think his first reaction would be?”

“Kick the shit outta me… or try to,” Toshiya quipped with a shrug. “I can handle that. I can wipe the floor with him if I want. And I’d want to because his idiocy is why Suji-chan is how she is now.”

“After that, ass!” Kyo glowered at the taller dark haired male.

Kaoru had been making his bed, but he now turned. “He’d go to her. He’d want to hear it from her. He’d want to make her realize that her choice had been made before she remembered about him and how he loves her. He’d tell her about how she reacts to his kisses, and tell her she feels something for him.”

Kyo now faced Toshiya as well, advancing on him a few steps. “It would be a shock to her. He’s the reason she can’t remember, but from what we’ve heard she’s starting to have flashbacks about him. Once those memories flood back she’ll either pass out and never wake up, or she’ll realize you took advantage of her memory loss and she’ll hate you. So go ahead, be asinine like Die was and let your selfishness either destroy her, or make her leave you forever.”

“You shouldn’t even be with her right now,” Kaoru added. “To be fair and to give her time to recover and make a real decision based on all the facts.”

Jaw working, Toshiya glared at them both. They were right, damn it! He felt overwhelmed with rage. Twirling he left the room, moving hurriedly through the house and into the backyard. Without any hesitation he smashed a fist into one of the sakura trees, a cry of rage ripping from him. The pain in his knuckles made him feel a little better. It had expended his rage, but hadn’t done a damn thing for the suffocating despair that still roiled inside him. Both hands slid up his face into his long black hair, the fingers curling and gripping his hair. If pulling it all out could make things better he’d do it.

“You’re bleeding.” Shinya held out a handkerchief, Miyu in one arm. “I love Suji-chan. She’s my best friend, and like my sister. And I pray to Kami-sama she never remembers because if she does what you’ve recently done to her will hurt her worse than anything Die ever did.”

“Fuck off,” Toshiya ignored the offered handkerchief and grabbed his youngest brother by the shirtfront, yanking him near to sneer into his face. “How ‘bout I hurt you, little brother?”

Shinya didn’t flinch. “Will that make everything better, Totchi?” Miyu whined because he was holding her too tightly despite not showing any other sign of fear. “Betcha she’d still get pissed off if she found out you beat me up.”

Toshiya shoved the other away, turning away in disgust. “Go to hell, Shinya.”

“Reserve you a spot for when the shit hit the fans,” the youngest male of the family retorted.
……………………………..

There was something that my mind was keeping locked away, and everyone was worried about when my mind finally let it out. Did that scare me? Absolutely. But what scared me even more was the thought that I’d never remember, and it would be hanging over me like some Sword of Damocles, ready to fall at any moment and perhaps ruin my whole life. It had to be that bad. It certainly felt like it was considering how the family tiptoed around the memory. I spent most of the day considering if it would be better to know what it was or not, and trying to figure out what it could be.

Had I done something horrible? Had I killed someone? Had I given birth and abandoned my child? Had I left an abusive husband and was here in Japan in hiding? Were my parents dead? I had been assured they were alive and had been apprised by Mama about my amnesia so they were trying to get Papa’s company to approve time off for him to come see me. I was kind of looking forward to meeting them.

Now that sounded odd. How many people could say they were looking forward to a first meeting with their own parents? But that was how I felt. Like they were acquaintances I might have met as a child and didn’t recall years later but was curious to meet. And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or more precisely, the chopstick that broke mine. It had been bad enough to not remember Saika and Toshiya and their family that I loved so much, but to not remember the people who had borne me, raised me, and loved me all my life? That was intolerable.

I sneaked out of the house, taking the road that I had taken that day when I’d fainted into Toshiya’s arms. I didn’t look up until I felt the looming structure of the barn right before me. Even then I didn’t really look up as I opened the door and entered. Once inside I leaned heavily against the door’s frame and lifted my eyes to see the inside of the barn. Farming tools hung on the walls, and some old machinery littered the middle. I felt no stabs of pain, but an urge to move further in. My feet seemed to know the way. They led me to an old wooden ladder nailed to a support beam, and I climbed it to the hay loft. There were several tied bales of hay tossed to one side of the loft, a layer of loose straw or hay littered the floor. I automatically moved to a pole as if drawn there by an invisible chord that pulled me.

There was graffiti of crude carvings made by sharp stones or small knives in the aged wood. A trembling hand lifted, and my fingertips felt the rough cuts of three familiar names: Saika’s, Shinya’s and mine. I moved around, seeing the Kanji and even some English words. Then one line caught my attention, and my whole world spun as the ghosts of years past whispered.

‘I think you want me to kiss you.’

‘No!’

“Then why else did you follow me here?’

‘Untie me!’

‘I will… after you agree to kiss me.’

‘I think you want me to kiss you.’ ‘I think you want me to kiss you.’ ‘I think you want me to kiss you.’ ‘I think you want me to kiss you.’

It kept repeating in my head, echoing continuously until I put hands to ears to try to block it out and spun to escape. But I didn’t take that first fleeing step. I stared at the redheaded male that stood frozen at the top of the ladder, his dark eyes locked on me.

"Tell them to leave. Tell them to leave, and let me make love to you."

I gasped, recalling a moment of hot bare skin crushing my breasts, and large callused hands gripping my bare ass. Steamy breath fanning my lips, and my heart thudding madly against my ribs… as it was doing right now. This man had touched me. He’d kissed me and held me.

“I can see you chasing after a little one like that. You’d be wearing a pretty yellow dress, and you’d be barefoot, playing with our child in the grass.”

Did we have a child? No, I’d remember a child, wouldn’t I? How could a mother forget her own child? Was the image of the little girl with a smudged face and smiling over a flower our daughter? Was that what my mind had hidden away? Why would it not let me remember a precious little girl like that? Was it because this man was abusive? I wanted to step back, put more distance between us if he was, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t. And it didn’t feel like he’d ever lifted a hand against me in any way, though I did sense danger when I looked at him.

"I am sick and fucking tired of you blindly holding onto something that's not there! Why do you think he always leaves when you show up? Eh? He doesn't love you. He never has. Not that way. He sees you like a little sister. You're wasting your fucking time while for years someone else has been trying to get your attention!"

Those words had come from this man. Who had been avoiding me for years? This man? No. No, that didn’t feel right. It wasn’t him. He was the one who had been trying to get my attention. Somehow, I knew that was right.

"I would do whatever it took to make you notice me, and forget about Toshiya for a little bit. Even tease and torment you. Whatever it took. I would date, and when I'd kiss the girl I'd pretend in my mind that it was you. I don't even remember what the first girl I fucked looked like. In my mind I was with you."

Make me forget Toshiya? But I loved Toshiya! I always had. How could I ever forget him? This was making my head ache, the pain a dull throbbing that matched the beat of each memory as it came.

“He’s been avoiding you for years so why listen to him now. Suji, marry me. We can buy a nice little house somewhere and have a family of our own!”

Kami-sama! I remembered Toshiya saying he’d been denying how he felt for me. I didn’t realize it had been years of denial. And in those years had I turned to this man? It was all so confusing. I should have continued to read that diary, but after Toshiya and I had started seeing each other I had put it away. Why? Because I was afraid to face anything else written in it? This man… This man…

Trembling hand lifting to my temple where that dull ache increased, I leaned back against the post with the carvings. “Who are you?”

His jaw tightened, the tension in his body increasing, and he had to clear his throat before he could get his voice to work right. “Daisuke, but everyone usually calls me Die.” His hands were fisted tight.

From the memories that had been surfacing and causing me such pain I knew he was more than that. What wasn’t he telling me? And why wasn’t he telling me? “I think I kind of remember you. Are we married? Do we have a daughter?”

“I wish,” he snorted, relaxing some.

Frowning, I watched him, trying to recall the scenes that had flashed in my head just moments ago. “But we’re close. I mean, you asked me to marry you, right? You tied me up for a kiss? You confessed to me?”

Die kept his eyes on me. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I tightly shot back, the pain making my jaw tense. “Please, answer the questions?”

“Yes, it’s all true.” He moved a few steps nearer. “You really don’t look so good.”

I now lifted my other hand up to rub at my other temple. “It hurts to remember,” I gasped. “Did I say yes? Are we engaged?” There was no reply so I focused on him, and saw his whole face and body had tensed up again. “I gather that’s a no?” Shit, if this pain didn’t go away soon I was going to either pass out or throw up. I’d rather pass out, especially in front of such a hot guy.

“You ended up in the hospital and lost your memory before you could say yes or no.” Sounded like it was taking everything he had to admit that.

“So if we were close and you proposed why haven’t you been around lately? I’ve been out of the hospital for a while. I was awake in the hospital for days. Where were you?” I demanded, knowing I sounded terse because of the pain as well as wanting answers.

“I wanted to be there,” he defended. “But they wouldn’t let me. Told me to keep away.”

“Who?”

“The family,” he replied. When I just stared at him he sighed. “Mama, papa, Saika, Shinya, Kaoru and Kyo.”

I stumbled forward. “Sorry, I think I’m going to be sick.”

Die caught me as I leaned over the edge of the top floor, missing the post I’d tried to grab hold of so I wouldn’t fall. One of his strong arms held me around the waist, and with his free hand he pulled my hair back from my face as I gagged and retched. It seemed like many minutes went by before I sagged back into him. Nice. Nothing more graceful and sexy as puking up a lung in front of some hunk! Without a word he lifted me into his arms, and carried me to a pile of hay. There was a horse blanket on a peg, and he used one hand to take it down and spread it on the hay. Once satisfied with the results he laid me upon it.

“Just rest a little,” he soothed, brushing my hair from my face. “How’s your head?”

The pain was gone. But replacing it was all the ugly truth, and because of that I couldn’t open my eyes and look at Die. What had I done?
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