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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)	By : urbanephoenix Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Placebo Views: 5829 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction! I do not know any members of Placebo or their families, and I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
- 28
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Warnings: None really besides language, angst, mild D/A references.
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BRIAN.

‘This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, this is-‘ Brian couldn’t shake the thought from his head, even as he pulled his friend in closer, running his fingers through his hair. Finally, it was Stef who pulled away.

“Ok, no.” He said seriously, propping himself up. “This is exactly the problem.”
Brian sighed. He was right. “I- I’m sorry.”

“I think I’m beginning to understand why Courtney feels threatened by you.” Stefan smiled.

“Oh don’t make me feel worse.” The singer frowned. “I’m just... impulsive. I’m not trying to break you guys up.”

“I know, I know. It’s partially my fault anyway.”

“It’s entirely your fault for being so gorgeous.” Brian smiled.

“Flattery isn’t going to make this problem go away.”

“What problem?”

Stef shifted uncomfortably, leaning back on his hands. “Even if Courtney wasn’t in the picture, I think we both know you and I just wouldn’t work.” He said, staring at the ceiling. “We’re very compatible in some ways, but in the end, we drive each other mental.”

Brian laughed. “I know. But you realise this will just keep happening, right?”
“What do you mean?”

“Well, we already go to school together, and now we’ll be playing together too, music I mean.” The singer blushed. “We’ll be spending a LOT of time together, far more than you and Courtney.”

The blonde rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks.”

“Stef, you know it’s true! So what happens when this happens again? What about when Courtney goes back to America?”

“We’re not kids, we just need more self control.”

Brian laughed. “Yeah, we’ve proven we’re great at that.”

“I’m not breaking up with Courtney. Not again.” Stefan said seriously.

“I’m not asking you too. Just... this, whatever this thing is with us, it’s going to cause problems if we don’t do something about it. Don’t you guys have some kind of... agreement whereby you’re allowed to-“

“Forget it,” Stef interrupted. “you’re the exception anyway. No emotional attachments.”

“It’s not emotional! It’s... chemical.” The black haired boy thought aloud.

“You’re trouble, that’s what you are.”

“Fine. Go be a good little boyfriend, resist the temptation that is my sweet a-“

Stefan stood up. “Oh no you don’t.” He smiled. “Besides, I’m perfectly capable of resisting your... everything.”

Brian wasn’t convinced. “Fine by me. But just so you know, I don’t believe that for a second and sooner or later, neither will you.”

“Nice talk,” Stef laughed, opening the door. “I’m going to go and look for my sanity. I’ll see you later.”

Brian couldn’t help but laugh as he collapsed back on the bed, reaching for the paper Ianto had given him earlier. “’It’s just a matter of time, before our stars align, I’ll show you what it’s like, to be mine’,” he read aloud. “Amen brother.”

STEFAN.

He was glad to have gotten out of there when he had, history had proven Brian could be quite manipulative when he wanted to be. Opening the door to his room the first thing Stef noticed was Courtney wasn’t there. ‘Great,’ he thought to himself, slamming the door. ‘I guess that means I’ll be off sightseeing too.’ Sighing, the blonde grabbed his coat, and went out to look for his boyfriend.

BRIAN.

He’d been saying the same lyrics out loud over and over and over and it was starting to drive Brian mental. How was he supposed to memorise this by tonight? There was a knock at the door, he sure was popular this afternoon. “Come in.” He called out, half expecting, or rather hoping, it was Stef who’d had a change of heart.

“Hey,” Courtney said from the door. “Stefan here?”

“Na, he left a while ago.” The singer replied, putting down his piece of paper.
The redhead cringed. “I can’t find him anywhere, I’m worried I upset him this morning.”

Brian shrugged, this really wasn’t something he wanted to get involved with. “Oh yeah that, he came to see me earlier.” Good work Brian, now he’s going to stay.

“Oh?” Courtney asked, closing the door and walking over to a chair in the corner of the room. “What did he say?”

“Isn’t that something you two should talk about?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, I know. He’s just...”

“Difficult?”

The older boy laughed. “You could say that.”

“You guys make a cute couple.” Brian smiled, propping himself up on the bed against the wall. “You know, when you’re not fighting.”

“Do you really mean that?”

The black haired boy thought for a moment. He did mean it, in fact, he wished it wasn’t so true. “Yeah, I do.”

There was a long silence, in which time Courtney got up and sat next to him on the bed. For as long as he’d known Courtney, Brian had known him to be very level-headed and logical. He’d only ever gotten upset when Stef had lied to him but now, the smaller boy could see he had tears in his eyes.

“A-are you ok?”

Courtney smiled. “I’m ok, just... stressed out I guess.”

“I know that feeling.”

“It’s selfish, but I wish things were just easier, you know?”

“I’m sorry.”

The redhead frowned. “It’s not your fault.”

“Bullshit it’s not my fault!” Brian exclaimed. “Every time you guys have some sort of problem it seems to be because of me.”

“But Brian, if we were a stronger couple you wouldn’t matter. It’s obvious it’s not meant to be, we’re just prolonging the inevitable.” Courtney was running his hands through his hair, looking far more emotional and frustrated than Brian had ever seen him.

“Oh... well why then?”

Courtney laughed. “I don’t know, I really don’t. I adore him, but over and over again I know we’re just going to keep hurting each other.”

“But you love him?”

“Yes,” the redhead sighed. “yes I do.”

“At least you have someone.” Brian sulked, crossing his arms.

“I thought you had whatsisname?”

“Hey, I’m in love with someone who’s in love with someone else, and the only person who’s interested in me is straight, whether he knows it or not.”

“How can he be-“

“He is, trust me.” Brian interrupted, burying his face in his hands. “He’s just confused.”

“But who are you to decide that for him?” Courtney asked inquisitively.

“Look, that’s not the point. The point is, I try so fucking hard, and every time it turns out I’m being used, or my boyfriend is a complete psycho, he’s indecisive, he wants someone else.... it’s never easy. It can never just be normal.”

Brian had subconsciously tightened his hands into fists, gripping his jeans tightly. He felt the redhead place an arm around his shoulder. “I know. I’d like normal too.” He said softly.

“You ARE normal though!” Brian said, turning to face him. “You have a normal job, your own life and everything...”

“Yet here I am.” Courtney laughed. “I wish I could tell you that these things get easier, but at 23 what do I have to show for it?”

“Well, you ARE a doctor. That’s pretty impressive.”

The redhead scoffed. “Yeah I’m a doctor, but NOT the impressive kind. Not the one who saves peoples’ lives. My parents are so proud of me, they tell everybody they know that their fantastic son is a damn scientist.”

Brian smiled. “At least they’re proud of you?”

“Brian, my parents are professors at the university I’m working at in America. They tell everybody they know that I’m a doctor, a genius, the second coming of Christ, whatever... and that I live in London with my girlfriend Eliza.”

The singer’s face dropped. He knew that feeling. “Oh,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.”

Courtney shrugged. “I let them believe it, it keeps them happy.”

“But it doesn’t make you happy...”

“When you get to my age it doesn’t matter. It’s the hypocrisy I dislike. You know why I wasn’t really mad at Stef about the other night?”

Brian shrugged. “He said you just got over it.”

“No,” Courtney shook his head. “it’s because I’ve done the same thing.”

“You’ve said my-“

“No, no, not you!” The redhead laughed. “No, this was years ago, the one and only time I’ve ever had sex with a girl. I was young and stupid, trying to convince myself I wasn’t gay. As it turns out it’s hard to hide the fact that you moaned the name “Henry” when her name is “Lisa”.” He chuckled.

“Well, in fairness to Stef I am an incredible shag.” Brian joked, making Courtney break out into a fit of giggles.

“Oh I bet you are.”

STEFAN.

He’d been walking through town for almost an hour, and Stef hadn’t seen a single person he recognised. Not surprising really, but he had hoped to run into Courtney eventually.

“Hey, Stefan!” a voice called out. The blonde turned around to see Ianto running towards him.

“Hey,” he smiled. “you haven’t seen Courtney, have you?”

The Welshman frowned. “Courtney? Oooh your redhead friend? No, sorry man. Have you seen Brian?”

“Back at our hotel.”

“Courtney could be back there by now too, wanna head over?”

Stef shrugged in agreement. He had nothing else to do, after all. “What do you want with Brian?” he asked.

“I asked him to sing the finale with us tonight, just want to check if he’s up for it.”

The blonde shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. I mean... personally?”

Ianto blushed furiously .”Oh. That. I don’t know.” He sighed.

“You should probably work that out, he’s confused enough as it is.”

“Really? Hmm.” Ianto thought aloud.

“He said you’re straight.” Stef said matter-of-factly. As much as he liked Ianto, he didn’t want him to screw Brian around, figuratively of course.

“Yeah, well I don’t know. Can you be straight and still be attracted to someone of the same sex?”

“No, I guess not.”

“It’s just him though. Not other guys, just him. I know that’s ridiculous, but if I’m hurting him, well...”

Stef sighed, nothing was ever simple with Brian. “No, just... talk to him about it. Don’t play the ‘wait and see’ game, he’s not like that.”

“So noted.” They kept walking in silence for a while, passing busy streets, school children, and bustling shops. “You seem to um... know him quite well.” Ianto said finally.

“Well he’s my best friend. We spend a lot of time together.”

The Welshman rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Stef laughed. “Oh that’s a long and arduous tale. Trust me, it can wait.”

BRIAN.

It had been a while since he and Courtney had spoken properly, Brian had forgotten how much he enjoyed the redhead’s company. Putting aside the fact that he was his best friend’s boyfriend, of course.

“Why’d you get your lip pierced?” the singer thought aloud.

“Fellatio.” Courtney replied straight faced.

“You’re kidding, right?”

The redhead laughed. “Am I?” Brian honestly wasn’t sure. “Don’t worry, I am. I went through a rebellious stage as a teenager and kinda grew to like them.”

The younger boy thought about this for a moment. “Do they, you know, help?”

Courtney shrugged. “Never had any complaints. Besides, you’ve kissed me before, that should give you some idea.”

Brian straightened up, slightly alarmed. “I have?”

“When we left Stef in the hospital. We uh, were pretty drunk.”

“Oh yes, I sort of remember. We didn’t... you know... did we?”

The older boy smiled. “No, not THAT drunk.” He laughed.

“Oh I see how it is,” Brian smirked. “You’d have to be off your face to want to get with me, is that it?”

“Not necessarily, but it would be a terrible idea regardless.”

Brian laughed. “I know, I know. Does Stef- “

“Oh no you don’t. I’m not discussing THAT with you. Besides, there’s not much to tell. Stef and I have only slept together a few times, one of which being the other night which was awful.” Courtney rolled his eyes in frustration.

“Awful for who?”

“Who do you think? All that work for nothing.” He scoffed. “Well, nothing on my end anyway.”

“That must be frustrating.” Brian smiled.

“Damn right it is.

“No, I mean frustrating in other ways.” He knew it was wrong, but no more wrong than anything else that’d gone on during their short time away. Sleeping with Ianto, kissing Stef, hell this was nothing more than innuendo.

“Well, you could sa- wait, what?” the redhead’s eyes widened as he caught on to what Brian was saying. “Brian, don’t joke about that.”

“Who’s joking?” the singer smirked.

“Fuck it.”

He hadn’t expected it, truthfully- he had been joking, but before he even had time to think, Brian found himself being thrust into the body next to him. Courtney’s hands running down his back, pulling him forwards, his mouth being invaded. He knew he shouldn’t, but Brian liked it. A lot. He started kissing back, feeling the redhead’s liprings being pushed aside by the pressure of his mouth. “You know,” he mumbled in the brief moment he had to come up for air. “with your casual rela-relationship thing, urrgh Jesus Cour-t, y-you know Stef isn’t allowed b-but you are, right?”

Courtney pulled away, smiling and pushing Brian’s hair from his face. “I don’t even care. I’m always so fucking well behaved, it’s boring and I’m way beyond caring anymore.”

“A-are you sure?” The younger boy was surprised at his honesty, he’d always considered Courtney to be the mature one amongst them. The one with the self control.

“I’m over it. I just don’t care.” He repeated.

“You know,” Brian smiled. “I’m sure that’s terrible, really terrible but I agree.”

Grinning, Courtney pulled the black haired boy back towards him, filling Brian with a sense of warmth. He knew it was wrong but it felt good, and that’s all that mattered. Sliding his hand up the redhead’s chest he undid his top button and latched himself onto the other boy’s neck, nibbling on it gently.
Courtney moaned in approval, wrapping his long arms around Brian’s small torso, gently running his fingernails over the smaller boy’s back.

“So-“ the redhead whispered in his ear. “do you want to find out what my piercings ARE good for?”

Brian felt his entire body tingling, oh god yes, he wanted to find out.

His impure thoughts were interrupted by voices in the motel hallway, followed by somebody fiddling with the doorknob. Jumping up and hurriedly trying to straighten his hair and making sure his make-up wasn’t smudged, Brian’s head spun around to look at the door.

“We have to go soon anyway,” one voice said. “we can’t be late.”

“I know, stop complaining.” The other laughed.

“Hey!” Ianto exclaimed, coming into view. “You guys ARE here! We’ve been looking for you.”

Brian glanced to his right. Courtney was still laying on his back, hair a mess and looking rather bewildered.

“You guys ok?” Stef frowned, sitting between them.

“Y-yeah, sure.” Courtney mumbled something about having a shower before abruptly leaving the room.

“What’s up with him?” The Welshman laughed, collapsing into an armchair.

Brian shrugged but an overwhelming feeling of guilt started to overcome him. What had felt so good minutes ago, now made him feel terrible. Dirty and low beyond belief. It wasn’t a good feeling.

“So I hear you’re going to be singing something with Hanlon Riots tonight?” Stef asked.

“Oh yeah, sure.” The smaller boy mumbled in reply. It wasn’t exactly front and foremost for him at that moment.

“Brian, are you sure you’re ok? You seem really distracted?”

“I’m fine! You guys just need to drop it, Jesus!”

STEFAN.

Stef knew Brian well enough to know that his heart wasn’t in it that night. Maybe he was tired from the show earlier, but by the end of the second set, the blonde was worried.

“Ok, what’s going on?” He asked, pulling the singer aside as they came off stage for the second time that day.

“Nothing,” Brian sulked, not making eye contact. “I’m just... tired.”

“Bullshit you are,” Stef rolled his eyes. “be straight with me, please!”

“Fine, you want to know what? I’m sick of all this!”

“What, playing? But Brian, you love performing!”

“No, not that!” The black haired boy rolled his eyes and slumped against the wall of their dressing room. “That’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.”

“Did you and Courtney have a fight?”

Brian laughed. “He’s probably the one who best understands my frustration at the moment.”

Stef was confused, did he really not know his friends at all? “What’s the problem then?”

“Me.” The singer muttered under his breath. “I’m the problem. I just want things to be easy for once, you know? I want to not have to worry about my dad, or school, or us or this... music thing we’ve got going.”

“Band?”

“Stef, we’re not a band, we never WILL be! It’s just a stupid dream. We can’t even go a week without fighting for fucks sake!”

The blonde knew he was right.

“I think... we need some time apart.”

“What?” Stef exclaimed, feeling hurt. “So it’s my fault?”

“It’s nobody’s fault! We just need some time to ourselves, I need some time to myself to be... different. I want to FEEL something! There's something fucking wrong with me!”

“Fine.” The bassist scowled. Why should he care what Brian did in his own time anyway? He had Courtney to keep him company. “Do what you like.” Throwing his guitar down (or rather, the one Hanlon Riots were lending him), Stef left Brian in the room alone. He felt guilty, but was sick of all the drama. Maybe his friend was right, maybe the best thing was for them to spend less time together? “Oh, am I glad to see you.” He sighed, seeing Courtney leaning against the wall near the bathrooms. “Brian has gone a bit... weird.”

The redhead didn’t return his smile, but looked very serious. “Stef, we have to talk about something.”

BRIAN.

For some reason, Brian felt like he’d just broken up with Stef. But then, what was there to break up? He took a last minute look at the song lyrics Ianto had given him, fixed his hair and make-up, and headed to the side of stage.

“Now,” Ianto’s deep voice crooned into the microphone, in time to the accompanying drumbeat. “this last song is very special to us... very special to me in particular... so we’d like a very special guy to join us on stage for it... please welcome back, Mister Brian Molkooooooooooooooooo!”

Brian couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his name. Jumping back on stage, he felt more alive than he had all evening as Ianto slapped him on the back, and the other band members charged into the opening bars of the song. It was just the lift he needed.

“That was pretty good!” Ianto grinned as they came off stage. “We should get you to make an appearance on the album.”

“What album?” Brian laughed wiping the sweat from his brow.

“Well, one day when we have one. Oh hey, can I talk to you about something?”

Brian shrugged. He really didn’t feel like talking, he felt like punching a wall, getting drunk, or very, very high. “Sure.”

Ianto looked around nervously. “Not here,” he whispered. “come back to our hotel?”

The smaller singer was suspicious. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked.

“No, no, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.” The Welshman was blushing, Brian could hardly refuse.

***

Ianto’s room was just as messy as the first time Brian had seen it. How he’d be packed by tomorrow afternoon was a mystery.

“So, shoot.” Brian said standing just inside the doorway. He didn’t trust himself to sit down.

“Uh, ok, so Stef talked to me this afternoon...”

Oh fuck it, Brian thought, lounging into one of the armchairs. This was going to take a while.

“He uh, said I should clear things up with you.”

“What things?”

The older boy looked confused. “Well, define our uh... situation.”

“Ianto, we don’t have a ‘situation’. Just because two people sleep together, doesn’t mean there’s a ‘situation’. It happens.” He hadn’t meant to say it so bluntly, but there was no point beating around the bush. Much to his surprise, the Welshman looked hurt.

“Oh,” he said sadly. “well, I was thinking, you know... maybe if you were-“

“What? Oh come on, why even have this conversation? Ianto, you’re just confused, you're straight, you-“

Looking furious, Ianto walked over to him, towering over Brian’s tiny stature. “Stop saying that! You know, two weeks ago I’d have agreed with you, but clearly things are a bit different, aren’t they? I am confused, you're MAKING me fucking confused! Why are you so determined for me to be straight? Is it because if I’m not then I might be interested in you? Would that make life too simple? Is it just easier to say I’m straight and push me away?” he was almost yelling now, Brian was afraid those in the adjoining rooms would hear.

“I-“ he was lost for words.

“Look, I don’t know what I am, and frankly, I don’t care. I just know that I really do like you. A lot. If you’re not interested, fine, but stop trying to define me!”

“No, I can’t deal with this at the moment.” Brian muttered angrily. He got up and slammed the door behind him.

***

It may have only been his second day in Manchester, but Brian already knew his way around pretty well. He found his way to the hotel alright anyway. Not his own, the hotel he’d seen him go into. The one he was looking for. The one he knew could fix him.

Charming the secretary, Brian found out the room number and made his way to the fourth floor. It was by no means a classy hotel, but still nicer than the one he was staying at. Hell, it had an elevator!

The black haired boy knew it was a mistake before he even made it to door 35B. He should turn back. Of all the ridiculous, stupid, and dangerous things he’d done recently, this took the cake. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door, almost hoping nobody would answer.

The door slowly creaked open. “Well, well well, look who it is.”

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A/N: The next chapter won't be so mysterious, I promise. It'll have some kind of resolution for a change. That is, if I write the next one. Please comment and let me know if you want more! It's hard to know if anyone is still reading by chapter 29 otherwise :)
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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)