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Crossover from Hell: Sordid Beginnings	By : jediragsniffer Category: Individual Celebrities > Orlando Bloom Views: 2094 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know Orlando Bloom. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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The tiny bundle screamed in distress, kicking and crying pathetically against Orlando’s chest, the young man holding onto it helplessly, an expression of confusion and wonderment, not to mention fear, on his face.
“Let me take her,” Remus gestured, relieving his company of his tiny, screaming daughter and depositing a beer in her place. As soon as the child was back in her fathers arms, she grew silent, content which the familiar presence holding her.

“Fuck, I’m so glad I don’t have any fucking kids.” Orlando muttered, taking a long swig of his beer and settling tenderly on one of the bar stools. He hoped Lupin wouldn’t notice his favoring of his backside, and was secretly relieved that the other man was so wrapped up in his child. He winced slightly, adjusting his position to get comfortable and wondered if there was a healing charm or something for this sort of thing. Not that’d he dare ask. Remus was a pretty open guy, but Orli doubted he’d be *that* open. He returned his attention to his friend, watching first with interest, and then disgust as Remus changed the baby’s soiled diaper, cooing and awing over her, making her giggle adorably. How the man did it was a complete mystery. Both the Ministry of Magic and the British Government had put up a fight when Ida Talath had announced she was pregnant with the offspring of Lupin, a well-known werewolf. They’d tried to take her into custody and abort her pregnancy. What they hadn’t counted on was the absolute rage of the full-fledged Jedi woman and her partner, Orlando’s own husband, Legolas, tearing the building to shreds with a wee bit of force energy and disappearing completely. The four months that the two Jedi had been in hiding had been the worst of Orlando’s life, as he had no idea if his lover was safe or not. Remus hadn’t faired any better, and the two had bonded over the incident. What had shocked everyone, the government especially, was that Remus was the most caring and devoted father in the world. He’d truly proven himself in the long run, sacrificing everything for the small chance to keep his child. Orlando hadn’t been surprised, for Remus was a very gentle, loving man, but it was still awe inspiring to see him handle his hterhter with such incredible ease. Fatherhood had been the best thing to ever happen to Remus, and Orlando sometimes found himself envying the older man, though he wouldn’t admit it, not even on pain of death.
Remus swept his little girl up and placed her delicately in the basinet, casting a silencing charm around her so that she could sleep without being disturbed. He’d spent weeks researching and tweaking the charm so that it would only work one way, ensuring he’d hear the babies cries while she in turn, would hear nothing. Turning back to his guest, he smiled warmly. “So, Orli, how are things with you?” He took up a position on the other side of the breakfast bar, popping open a beer and going into ‘listening mode.’ Another great thing about Remus: he actually listened when you talked to him.

“Uh, not that much, really.” He concentrated on peeling the label from the moist bottle.

“Hmm, not that much, you say? I trust things are all right between you and Legolas?”

Orlando winced. “I guess so. You know what he’s like.” He downed the rest of his beverage in one gulp, and looked to Remus for a refill. The werewolf kindly supplied, and settled back in to listen. Of course he knew. He was the only other person on Earth married to a Jedi Knight, though Ida’s temperament was as different from Legolas’ as Orli’s was to his own.

“Well? Let’s hear it. What’d the big oaf do now?”

Orlando smiled at the endearing term. Legolas was hardly an oaf. The elf moved with a liquid feline grace that Orlando himself could never hope to mimic. He was beautiful, and charming and graceful and commanding. The young man shivered. “It’s my doing this time, actually.” He admitted, sheepishly.

“Oh?” Remus raised anbrowbrow in interest. This had to be good, for Orli to admit he’d done wrong-

“I went out for drinks with Colin Farrell last night.” Orlando explained. “I didn’t get home until past two in the morning, and Legolas was waiting for me. He wasn’t happy.”

Oh dear. Remus could just imagine. Legolas hadn’t been pleased at all a few months back when The Daily Sun and Times had both printed articles about Orlando’s supposed steamy affair with the other muggle actor. He’d been furious, though Orlando was not to know that. Orli hadn’t been there when Legolas had first seen the article, hadn’t witnessed the destruction wrecked on his and Ida’s small kitchen (easily fixed with a repairo charm.) The Jedi had been so ashamed of his emotional outburst that he’d locked himself away in meditation for hours, and only Ida had been able to coax him out.

If Orlando was suddenly spending him with the other actor, however innocent, Remus knew that Legolas would be less than thrilled-

“The thing of it is, he kissed me, Colin that is.”

All right, so maybe it wasn’t so innocent. Perhaps he’d better ask Harry if he knew of a decent bomb shelter for Orli to hide in and ride out the storm. It certainly explained Legolas’ abrupt appearance in their apartment this morning, and his practical dragging of poor Ida out the door. His wife had looked at him apologetically before disappearing in a flash. He’d simply smiled. Patience was a necessary trait when youe ese espoused to a Jedi Knight. He figured that was why Orlando appeared to spend so much time with him. Maybe he hoped it would rub off.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, and I certainly didn’t want him to kiss me. I tried to tell him I was married.”

“What was his response to that?” Remus asked, sipping his beer. Orlando kept shifting in his seat, uncomfortable, and the werewolf could smell the sent of the elf all over him. He smiled to himself behind the bottle. Legolas must have felt the need to stake his claim.

“He told me that my wife only married me for my money, and she was probably off fucking six guys at that time, so what would it matter if I had some fun too?” Orlando shook his head. “I wonder, Remus? What would he have said if I told him that in my marriage, if either one of us was to a ‘wife,’ it would have to be me, and that my husband wouldn’t take kindly to hearing such vulgar words about us?”

Remus laughed. “He’d probably be thrilled, luv. He does have a reputation as a womanizer, well known for stealing away other men’s ‘wives.’” The werewolf laughed at the younger mans scarlet blush. Legolas had once told him that he adored making Orli blush like a virgin, and that he could do it with a single look. The elf’s confession and subsequent gloating had startled Remus, as it had seemed highly out of character at the time. Now he knew better, and Remus certainly believed him. The young man really had a hard time masking his embarrassment.

“He makes me uncomfortable, Remus. Just the way he looks at me sometimes, like I’m a piece of meat.’ Orli twisted his wedding band on his finger, lost in his thoughts. “The shoot is almost over, so we won’t be working together all that much longer, but I can’t help that it bothers me, you know?”

“Have you told anyone about this harassment? Have you told Legolas?”

“I tried. First I had to convince him that I wasn’t cheating on him. Remember I told you that it was my fault?” Remus nodded. “Well, I made a huge mistake last night. Massive. The worst thing I could havesiblsibly done.”

Remus held his breath, closing his eyes in horror. The worst thing? Oh god, he hadn’t done *that* had he? “Tell me you didn’t block the rapport, Orlando. Tell me you didn’t shut the bond.” The young mans eyes were glued to the table, and he was worrying his lip nervously. Christ! No wonder the boy’s arse was sore. Legolas had probably fucked him straight through till dawn in his desperate need to reinstate his claim. He knew that his own wife would have castrated him if he’d dared try such a thing. “Well. That’s um, an interesting development. What happened when you got home?” Remus saw Orli’s cheeks flushed even redder, and he wondered what kind of trouble the two lovers had got up to, if it could cause a blush like that. Knowing Legolas, it was probably something incredibly kinky. **Those fucking Jedi. Oath of abstinence my arse.**

“We talked. I said I was sorry, and we retired.” Remus snickered. “We did!” He exclaimed, though there was a smile tweaking the corner of his mouth. Really, what else was he going to say? **My husband took me over his knee and paddled my ass so hard that he left bruises before fucking me harder then I’ve ever been fucked in my life, and now my backside hurts so bad I can’t sit properly. **

“Yours and Legolas’ private affairs are hardly my business, Orlando, but you really need to tell him about Colin before this thing escalates. And,” he added wisely. “I suggest you never break the link again. From my own experience as a) a possessive male, b) a jealous werewolf, and c) the life mate of a Jedi Knight, I can say it wouldn’t be wise to give Legolas’ any reason to suspect you of being unfaithful, even if you’re actions were wholly innocent.”

“I know. I feel miserable about it, and it certainly doesn’t help that he left this morning before I could talk to him. Do you know where he and Ida went?” Orli asked, his attention turning to the time, which he then realized was quite late.

“Oh, they’re probably on some obscure mountain top in Tibet mediating on the foundations of the universe of some such nonsense.”

“Yeah, really.” Orlando wasn’t so convinced.

~*~*~*~

Ida watched her partner amusedly over iced water with lemon. The elven Jedi was cracking his knuckles in a most annoying manner, his gaze fixed on a table near the rear of the restaurant. He’d dragged her from her husband’s arms at an ungodly hour that morning, muttering something about an emergency and barely giving her time to dress. It had only been hours later, when she’d tired of the secrecy and the insanity of the whole thing, when he’s finally relented and told her what he was up to.
She had to admit that she felt his agony, and deeply at that. The shock of having his bond cut off last night must have been terribly painful, and she could only begin to imagine the horrorssuchsuch a thing. She had half a mind to go find young Orlando and teach him a lesson, though she strongly suspected that Legolas had already taken care of that. She snickered. Ah well, she’d shake the whole story out of Remus later. Her husband could smell secrets like that. “There he is.” Legolas nodded. Ida turned in her seat to look at the young man in question. Not bad, not bad at all. At least Orli had good taste, though she could sense a sickening arrogant quality to this man that she didn’t like in the least. She turned back to the other Jedi. The two had dressed in what Remus called “Muggle Clothes,” transfiguring their robes into denim trousers and coloured tunics. No one paid any notice to their pointed ears, though Ida was sure her hair colour had drawn more than a few curious glances throughout the day.

“What are you planning to do, Mr. Obvious? Glare a hole into his head.” She smiled warmly when he shook his head.

“I would, were it possible. Instead, I’ll have a polite word with him, tell him never to touch Orlando again, and go home and fuck my husband breathless. Does that sound good to you?”

Ida laughed; the musical sound drawing the attention of a few of the eatery’s other occupants. “Oh yes, wise one. That’s well planned indeed.” A shadow fell over the table, and they glanced up at one of the servers, who informed them that Mr. Farrell had taken notice of them, and would be honored if they might join him for a drink. Ida stifled a giggle. ~**Well, that was easy.**~
The elf smirked in response, but they rose to join the actor at the back.

Colin was a well-made man in his late twenties, dressed casually in jeans and a maroon button down shirt with the collar twisted messily. His hair shot about all over the place in a fashion that reminded Ida of young Harry, but this man was much scruffier. He needed to shave, and lose a bit of the cologne. Yes, that would be much more attractive, she decided. He was also the slickest, cockiest bastard she had ever had the privilege of meeting, and that was including young Draco Malfoy on the list. As soon as he took her hand, kissing it suavely in greeting, she felt the need to shower. Yes, she made a mental note to bathe *before* returning home. If Remus caught even the slightest whiff of this man on her skin, she’d have a sulky werewolf on her hands for the rest of the week.
“Mr. Farrell.” She acknowledged, taking the seat he held out for her. “Thank you kindly for this privilege.” Deciding diplomat mode would be the best tactic she could take with Legolas looking ready to commit murder, she smiled noncommittally, opening her menu and gesturing for Legolas to sit. “My name is Ida, and this is my– brother, Legolas.”

“Hello, Ida.” Colin grinned,ningning the name on his tongue in a manner that made Ida shiver, and not with desire, either. He’d not even spared a glace in Legolas’ direction. “I couldn’t help but notice you across the room. You’re absolutely lovely.”

Legolas ground his teeth together, sizing up the man across the table. He decided within five seconds that he could take him easily, and that knowledge made him painfully happy. This was the slimeball that his Orlando had been wiast ast night? Watching Colin watch Ida, Legolas was unimpressed. He could woo with the best of them, and this child was a mere rookie.

They ambled through a small meal, neither Jedi feeling much of an appetite, and each watching with further disgust as the young actor ordered ale, after ale, after ale without looking to slow down anytime soon. “So.” Legolas began. “I hear you’re working with Orlando Bloom on this project of yours. How’s that going?”

Colin grinned. “Wha? Orli? I love the guy. He’s not as talented as he’d like to think he is, but he absolutely fuckin’ gorgeous. And sweet. Blushes like a motherfucking virgin whenever I so much as fuckin’ look at him.” The actor picked up another chicken wing, the sauce oozing down his fingers, and turning Ida’s stomach at the sight. She was starting to get worried. Legolas had turned a dangerous shade of white with that last statement, and with Mr. Farrell being as far into his cupshe whe was, things could get rowdy pretty damn quick.

“I’ll ask you this once. Never speak of him in that manner again. If I discover you’ve so much as looked at him in anything other than complete professionalism, I’ll take your tongue and use it as a toilet brush.” The elf was trying vainly to control his anger.

“What, are you some kind of fuckin’ fanboy? Get the fuck outta here, man.” Colin gestured rudely, and Ida intervened before her partner lost it.

She placed a gentle on on Colin’s shoulder and shot a glare at Legolas. “This argument is counterproductive, gentlemen. Mr. Farrell, I’m sorry for my brother’s rude outburst. He’s just, well, protective of Mr. Bloom.”

“That’s Mr. Greenleaf, Ida.” The elf corrected.

Farrell raised an eyebrow, and then something clicked. “Wait a fucking second here.” He gestured wildly at Legolas, backing his chair up and looking read to bolt. “Your-your Orli’s husband.”

A lazy, dangerous smile erupted on Legolas’ face, and Ida knew the whole thing was lost. Sighing, she sat back dramatically and waited for the two men to hash it out. “As a matter of fact, I am.” The elf drawled.

Colin paled. “He told me he was married. I thought he was joking. It wasn’t in the news. I never thought-”

“That’s just it, isn’t it? You didn’t think.” Legolas’ voice was beginning to attract attention.

“Keep it down, mate. Fuck. Unless you want the entire fuckin’ world knowing everything about you and Orlando within the hour.” The Irishman hissed. “Look. I’m sorry. About everything. The teasing, the jokes, the kisses. I won’t bother him anymore. It was just a bit of fun, really. I honestly didn’t realize-”

“Kisses?” Legolas jumped at the use of the plural. “Your telling me you kissed him more than once?”

The actor swallowed nervously, his lunch forgotten. “Let’s just forget it, mate. The shoot will be over next week, and we can all go our separate ways and live happily ever after.” He called for the bill. “Lunch is on me, eh? Least I can do.” He rose abruptly, eager as ever to leave. Legolas made to follow, but a firm hand on his arm prevented him from moving.

“What? Come on penneth! We have to follow him!”

Ida shook her head. “Let him go, Legolas. Leave it be. He apologized, and swore he’d cease his wretched behavior, what more do you want?”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Aye, but do you trust your husband? Orlando can take care of himself, and if the situation escalates to the point where he can’t, he’ll tell you. Let it go.”

The elf pouted. “Can’t you just mildly suggest to Mr. Farrell that he is in fact, Miss. Farrell?”
“Lot of good that would do. He’d still be drooling over your lover.”

“Good point.”

“Please tell me we can give up this awful adventure? I’m exhausted, and I’d hoped to spend some time with my family today, not to mention that you need to have a conversation with Orlando.”

The elf nodded. “Let’s get you home. You think Orli is at your place?”

“Where else would he be? You left him in a huff, he’d need to find solace somewhere.”

“You’ll have to thank Remus for me.”

“Thank him yourself! He doesn’t bite.”

“Yes he does.”

She hit him. “Home. Now.”

~*~*~*~

“I trust your day was exciting?”

Ida sighed, slipping into bed with a groan. “Exciting? Hardly. I got to meet that muggle actor Herminone fancies though.”

“And that wasn’t exciting?”

“Hardly, the man is a scrub.”

“Did he touch you?”

“Force, don’t start that again!” She turned to face her husband, watching his amber eyes flash in the dark. “He kissed my hand. I used a scowering charm on myself before I came through the door.”

“That’s nothing. Orlando closed off his bond with Legolas last night.”

“I know, Legs told me.”

“Ah, but did ‘Legs’ tell you how he punished the lad? He must have fucked the boy until the sun came up, and probably laid a lashing or two on that delectable arse, with thountount of trouble Orli had sitting today.”

Ida giggled. “Orli’s arse is delectable, eh?” her husband didn’t respond. “Legolas is one kinky bastard.”

Remus raised an eyebrow in the dark and drew his wife closer. “Just Legolas? And here I thought it was a Jedi trait.” He suckled her neck, kissing her jaw line smoothly.

“Hush you, you’ll wake the baby. How was she, anyhow?”

“Hmm, good.” The werewolf nibbled at her ear playfully. “Hush now, I’ve been waiting all day for this.”

The Jedi giggled again, but otherwise complied with the request. It was good to be home.

~*~*~*~

The Crossover from Hell. Still a WIP, but with over 50 000 words and counting, it’s a bloody fun WIP. Interested? Send us an email and we’ll gladly add you to the mailing list. The website is still under construction.

jediragsniffer@yahoo.com

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Crossover from Hell: Sordid Beginnings