Wrong is Relative

Disclaimer: Same as always. Nightwish owns the song.

Wrong is Relative
Part Three

Home is where the way is
My road goes on forever

Mikey keeps a journal hidden under his mattress. Most guys hide porn under their mattress, but Mikey hides a journal. He doesn't know I read it. I really shouldn't, but when he cries constantly and won't tell me what's wrong and blames it on allergies, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I love Gerard. God, I love him so much. I love him so much it feels like I'm breaking inside every time we're around other people and we can't kiss and we can't hold hands like 'normal' couples. I just don't understand. We're in love. What the fuck does blood have to do with anything? Wouldn't that make your love closer than two strangers just happening to fall in love? I've known Gee forever. Gee is forever. It's just so stupid.

And it is. I know it is. But there's not much else to do. I mean, coming out is one thing, but telling the world that you're in love with your little brother is another. He's always saying that he doesn't care because he knows I don't. But he does care and I care a little, but not about what other people would think of me, but what other people would think of Mikey.

Mikey doesn't think I know he cries after we have sex. Just because his back's turned to me doesn't mean I don't know what he's doing. He's in my blood. I know him. He's kind of fucked that way, no pun intended.

This hurts so bad. We got in a fight last night and he took off for five hours and then he came back completely wasted and high from God knows what. So he's sleeping in my bed now and all I can think is 'fuck'. I mean, if I hadn't yelled at him we never would have gotten in that fight and he wouldn't have driven off and gotten high. He said he was going to try and quit. He said so. He fucking promised me.

See, we are like other couples. We fight and we make up and we blame ourselves for things that aren't really our fault. We're just like everyone else. The world just hates this because it doesn't fit into their fucking social code. It's okay to kill people and it's okay to have pregnant teenagers running around and rapists go to prison where they rape more people, but it's not okay for me and Mikey to be in love. It's so fucking stupid.

I hear the front door open and I quickly slide the journal back under his bed, then go into the living room where Mike's throwing his jacket onto the chair. He crosses the room and kisses me on the lips. "Miss me?"

"No." I tease, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him again. It's really not fair when your little brother's taller than you. Mikey thinks it's hilarious, though. "Frankie called. He wants you to call him back. He sounded upset."

"He caught me on my cell. Found of a box of my stuff when Alexia made him clean out the attic. He's bringing it by later."

"Oh."

We just sort of look at each other for a moment and then he pulls out two cigarettes, lights them, hands me one, and sits down on the couch.

Uh-oh. Whatever he has to tell me isn't going to be good. He reaches out and grabs my hand, pulling me onto the couch next to him.

"Frankie found a box of journals." Mike said, taking a drag.

"And?"

"Well, he opened one, obviously, to see what it was and . . . it was about us." he says softly.

"So . . . he knows."

Mikey nods, even though it wasn't a question. "And he's coming by later." He reaches out and takes my hand, threading our fingers together. But he won't look at me. "Gee . . . maybe you shouldn't be here when he comes by."

"What?!" I grab his chin and turn him so he's looking at me. "Why?"

He gives me a look that makes me feel like I'm five. "Why do you think?" he asks, eyes dark. "Because Frankie's going to be pissed and he's going to think it's wrong and I don't want him jumping all over you because you know exactly what he's going to say, don't you?"

I let go of him and lower my eyes. "That I took advantage of you."

"And I know you didn't." Mike says. "But he's not going to think that. And maybe I can talk to him, but I can't if you're here."

I put my cigarette out in the ashtray. I didn't have a single drag off it. "Fine. When's he coming over?"

"Gerard, don't do this." Mikey says, putting out his own cigarette and grabbing my arm. "Don't do this." he repeats.

"Do what?" I snap.

"Get all distant on me. You know I hate it." He puts his free hand on the side of my face. "It's better if I talk to him alone, and you know it. So stop acting like this." He's trying to sound older than me, like he's explaining it to a child. He sounds like he's begging.

"Okay." I lean in and kiss his cheek, trying to smile. "You're not . . ."

"I'm not going anywhere." he promises. "You know I'm not."

I nod slowly. "Yeah, I know."

"Look, he'll be here in about thirty, so I'll call you when he's gone, kay?" He kisses me and then decides he's going to follow me to our bedroom.

I pull on a jacket and run a hand through my hair, all too aware that he's leaning against the doorway in jeans that he would be out of if the situation were a little different. He just sort of looks at me for awhile, picking nervously at his nails. It reminds me of when this whole thing started.

"What?" I ask, turning around.

"Do . . . do you ever wonder how different things would be if this--us--hadn't happened?" he asks tentatively.

"I take it you do." I say bluntly, crossing my arms.

"You never even think about it?" he asks.

"Once in awhile." I admit. "But it's never good. It always ends up with you married to some stupid chick and me still being addicted to drugs. That's why I don't ask myself 'what if', Mikey. It's stupid."

I turn back to the mirror and decide I look fine. Not that it really matters, because I'm only going to be driving around in my car blasting music until Mikey calls me.

He kisses me before I step out the door, grabs my arm and pulls me to him for a deep kiss, his tongue snaking into my mouth before he finally pulls away. He rests his head on my forehead and his hand on my cheek. "I love you. Don't forget that."

"I love you, too. And I won't."

~~~To Be Continued~~~

Me a bitch. Seriously. I was going to have them both commit suicide in this chapter, but I did this instead. Don't ask me why.