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Not for me	By : KarinVAM Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 1450 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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He woke when a hand landed upon his shoulder, shaking him lightly out of his slumber.

“Bam…Bam wake up.”

He didn’t open his eyes just yet, but noticed the surface underneath him wasn’t very comfortable, as it wasn’t his bed, but the wooden top of his desk.

He suddenly remembered the night before, feeling his stomach tighten when he did. In fear, and his happiness of what he'd discovered only hours ago. Of the knowledge that Ville was coming to see him today. Which of course made him feel guilty. It was all just so hard.

“Bam, please wake up.”

The small hand on his shoulder, and the voice coming from behind him made him stir, and he finally opened his eyes, seeing the sunlight shining upon his face through the blinds in thin streaks.

“Missy…”

When he lifted his head, his eyes came across his words from the previous night and as he read them silently to himself again, he felt her hand squeeze his shoulder tighter.

“You never came to bed. You stayed up all night to write this poem.”

It was a statement, so he didn’t bother to answer. Nor did he turn around. Her voice told him enough, and he realized she understood.

“And it’s not for me….”

‘Not for me.’

“It’s a love poem, for him.”

Again it was a statement, and again he stayed silent. He didn’t know what he could say to make things better for her. And he wanted to, because she didn’t deserve this. Lying would only make things worse, but telling the truth would make it all so real. And nothing was real just yet. He didn’t know what would happen.

“Why, Bam?”

Her small sob made him turn around, and his heart broke when he noticed hers being ripped from her chest, as her eyes filled up with tears. She knew. She knew he belonged to some one else.

“I don’t know….”

“Bam…”

“I never wanted this to happen, ok? I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.”

His voice was steady, but quiet. Almost begging her to forgive him. He wasn’t good with words, usually. But he loved her, he truly did, just not like she deserved. He had believed this wouldn’t make such an impact on him, but he realized now it was a lie. His denied love for Ville was killing him slowly.

“I don’t.”

There was a pause, where she stood in front of him. Her arms draped around herself and her teeth chewing on her lip. She wasn’t sobbing anymore. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t even looked surprised. Because she really wasn’t, he figured.

“He’s coming over today.”

Bam disturbed the peace, but still her face didn’t change. She just nodded, avoiding his gaze and stepping back.

“You want me to leave? Come back tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

His answer was short and fast, and she froze for a second. It hurt her, he understood, but it was the truth. With her here, this wasn’t ever going to be set right. Whatever that meant.

“Alright….”

She turned around to leave, and Bam didn’t know what to say. He just sat there, watching her walk to the door. She stopped before leaving, looking back, her eyes actually showing some
kindness. Her face softening as she looked at him again. He was more than surprised to see this, but extremely thankful she wasn’t screaming, or crying like she really should. Because that would kill him even more.

“You love him.”

It sounded like a question, but he knew it wasn’t. Therefore, again, he did not answer it. Partly because he was afraid to hear his own words.

“I want you to be happy Bam. No matter what happens. I want you to be happy.”

She spoke gently, making his lip tremble. How she could deal with this like she was, was beyond him. She must have seen this coming, it was the only explanation.

“I want you to be happy to Missy, but not like this.” He simply replied and she nodded.

“I know.”

Than she was gone.

And ashamed as he was, or should have been, all he did after she left, was go to his room, shower, do his make-up and choose the right outfit. All he wanted was to look good, for him.
Deep inside, he knew how this would end.
**
His phone rang an hour later, startling him while he was in his bedroom, staring at some framed pictures of them over the years. They were the only pictures he ever framed, enlarged and hung on his wall. Even though he had taken them down when he got engaged to Missy.

It was him, the screen let him know, and so he answered.

“H-h-hello?”

“Bam, I’m at the airport now.”

Ville sounded like he felt, and hearing his voice, knowing he was really here, made him feel like he could breathe after holding his breath for too long.

“I’ll come get you.”

“No, that’s ok, I already have a cab. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

“Ok…See you then Ville.”

“Ok Bammie…”

There was a click, and a steady beeping, letting Bam know the line was dead once again.

‘Bammie’

He sighed, feeling the butterflies in his stomach break dancing from his nerves. He went downstairs, downing a few beers to calm himself, but it backfired, making him more restless than anything.

He just paced around, thinking about what he should say. But nothing came to his mind.

Finally the sound of a car nearing reached his ears, and he put down his third beer with a loud thud on the counter. He was here.

The car left, and he knew Ville was walking up to the house now, almost hearing his footsteps on the driveway.

He walked up to his front door, finding the courage to open it, and doing so
after taking a deep breath.

And there he was, looking like the tall, dark and still so white beauty he had always been. Walking up to his house with his bag hanging from his shoulder. His hair fell gracefully on his slumping shoulders, which seemed even thinner than before, and his piercing green eyes were surrounded by dark rings.

He was looking so good and so bad at the same time, and Bam felt relieved to have him there with him. He just wanted to make him feel better, and them being together was the way to do it. He wanted to care of him, like he always wanted to with Ville. He was truly the only person that brought that side out of him.
He didn’t know what to say, or how to welcome him, but he didn’t need to. The moment Ville saw him he simply walked up to him, dropped his bag and ran into Bam’s arms, hugging him close and burying his head in his shoulder.

Bam instantly wrapped his arms around Ville’s small frame, pressing his cheek to Ville’s head and inhaling his smell with closed eyes. This affected him more than he had expected it to.

Holding Ville felt so good, and despite everything he smiled.

He heard Ville sniffle against his jacket, feeling tears running down his neck as he realized Ville was crying, and he rubbed his back in slow circles, holding him even closer. This was hard for both of them, but more than confused and scared he felt happy to have Ville with him again.

It felt like ages since they had opened up to each other. In any way. They had been disconnected for so long. Ever since Dark light had come out, it had been different.

“Bam, I’m so sorry.” Ville sobbed against him, and Bam pulled back a little, allowing Ville to lift his head and look at him. Ville’s eyes were angry red from the tears, and his cheeks were flushed, looking like a mess and still more beautiful than anyone.

“I’m so sorry for the poem, and for the way I acted when you called. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to ruin your marriage like this.”

Bam couldn’t help but sigh in relief, not feeling alone in his doubts anymore, and he smile a watery smile, whipping a strand of hair from Ville’s face.

“You have nothing to apologize for, I was the one making terrible mistakes.”

While he spoke, he led Ville back into the house, and the living room, sitting across from him on the huge couch as Ville sat on the other.

“Like what Bam Bam?” Ville sounded defeated, as he accepted the beer Bam offered him.

“Like….my wedding basically. I knew how I felt about you….and still.”

Bam frowned when Ville placed his face in his hands with a sigh. He was no longer crying, but it was obvious he was struggling. And all Bam wanted to do was go over there, hug him and kiss the pain away. Make love to him until all the doubts were gone.

But he couldn’t, so he stayed where he was.

“No see….I knew how you felt too. And I knew how I felt, and still I didn’t say anything. And now I’m here weeks after your wedding. It’s just so wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t have written that damn poem.”

“I loved the poem. I though it was beautiful. It expressed everything I feel when I think of you.”

Bam stared at Ville, who lifted his head and looked directly at him, pain visible in his eyes, but a smile appearing on his tired face.

“Oh Bam….I’ve been so stupid.”

Ok that was it. Screw whatever……was going on. He got up from the couch, walking to Ville. Whispering a; "So was I.” Before smashing their lips together into the first sincere kiss they ever shared.

It was sweet and slow and beautiful. Ville moaned like a hungry kitten as Bam stroked his tongue gently, rubbing his flushed cheeks with his thumbs.

And it was short, because they pulled from each other before the kiss could
become anything more.

“Bam this isn’t right…You’re married. Missy….”

“She knows. She knew all along.”

“Bam….”

Ville rubbed the bridge of his nose with a sigh and Bam knew he was having one of his inner battles; He realized he couldn’t hope for what he was hoping for…it was too selfish. Poor sweetheart that he was.

“She doesn’t deserve this.”

Bam stated, seeing Ville trying to hide the disappointment on his face, and failing. He obviously wasn’t realizing what he was getting at.

“No, she doesn’t…..”

“So I can’t stay with her. It’s not right. I don’t love her the way she should be loved.”

It was a statement, and at the same time his answer to Ville as his answer to himself. He had made a decision, and it was the best for all three of them. If not on a short term, than definatly on a long one.

And there was a silence, where Bam could see the wheels in Ville’s head turning. Processing what the hell this meant. And Bam couldn’t help speeding the process.

“I love you Ville. It’s the only thing that feels truly right to me.”

“Bam, are you sure?”

“Very sure…I only wish I could have been earlier.”

“Me too. I love you Bam.”

They shared another kiss. A deeper, longer and more emotional kiss, causing both man to moan as well as sob into it. Finally having what they wanted, and soon, they would truly have each other. When everything was right, and everything would be arranged.

“People will hate us. We’ll loose fans, jobs, maybe relatives. Are you ready for that?” Ville questioned him, but Bam simply nodded.

“I know, and I am. Our love comes with a price, but that’s just how it is. I’m fucking willing to pay it.”

And it would be hard. Missy would be pitied, even though she understood and excepted it, and Bam would be hated. And so would Ville. Fans would turn on them, and maybe even friends and family. Bam knew he deserved it all, but he couldn’t deny who he was any
longer. Who he wanted to be with.

Despite all, he finally felt truly happy in Ville’s arms. And as the evening fell, Ville fell peacefully asleep in his arms. They didn’t make love just yet. It wasn’t right, right now. They would wait for the divorce, as they should. Now all they had were stolen, sweet kisses and each other. And that was enough.

When Bam woke the next morning, Ville was not there. It scared him for a moment, before he realized the note on his pillow.

It was another poem. The happiest poem Ville had ever written, and would ever write. It was the poem he would read to Bam the night before they made love for the first time, and his vows when they would get married.

Now you are here

Hopeful dreams
Silent smiles
Sparkling stars, not far from reach

Rainbow colours
Soothing kisses
Answers to a silent preach

Touching words
Familiar songs
Glowing hearts filled with new love

Shower clearness
Talks with god
Needing help from hands above

Lift-up- spirits
Ice cream drops
Your steady heartbeat in my ear

Full moon lighting
Changing moves
Concurring my greatest fear

Silent nights
Sun bleached hair
Feeling raindrops on warm days

Random actions
Childish games
Touching outlines in your face

Centred lives
Feeling safe
Speaking of lives greatest glory

Forgotten fears
Sun warm smiles
Head up tilled faces with no worry

First born children
Chocolate fudge
Kisses on your fallen knee

Piercing eyes
Summer shorts
This is what lives is bringing me

Now you are here

*Out for a smoke love.*

This was the last Chapter! Thanks for reading and happy Valentines day!
I write this for my sweeteste friend in the wolrd Punksbitch!
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Not for me