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A fatal mistake	By : fundamellie Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Pet Shop Boys Views: 944 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the celebrity I am writing about. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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When Neil came down for breakfast the next morning he found Stefan already fully dressed, sitting at the table, drinking tea, reading a magazine. He did not look up or say a word when the older man entered the room. Neil had made plans to apologise, to explain everything but the tension was as obvious in the air between them as some kind of invisible, but poisonous fog that the words died on his lips. He bowed his head slightly and passed his boyfriend, not daring to break the silence. He made himself a cup of coffee and two slices of toast, buttered them up and then carried his plate to the table where Stefan was still sitting as if he was alone in the room. Neil sipped his coffee, thinking hard how to ease the tension. Suddenly Stefan pushed away his cup and threw the magazine down. He stared at Neil with eyes that there red-rimmed from crying. He had dark smudges underneath his eyes and he looked tired and so hurt that Neil thought he was surely going to burn in hell for causing the boy so much pain.
When he finally spoke, Stefan’s voice sounded so fragile that he was hard to understand.
“Why? Why did you hit me last night?”
“I… I didn’t want to. I just… I just wanted you to stop. I didn’t want you to do that to me.” As he spoke Neil realised that what he was saying made everything worse instead of better.
The boy still looked directly at him, desperately trying not to cry again.
“So… so you rather go out and have sex with someone else than me?” he asked.
“Yesterday? No, I was just out with Janet; I didn’t go with anybody, I...”
“Great, so you didn’t betray me yesterday, but what was when I was in Munich?” Stefan demanded, suddenly angry. “Whom did you start an affair with this time? Do I know him? Was it Kevin again?”
“No, it wasn’t Kevin, it was…” Neil felt like he was trapped in quicksand, there was no way out of this; he was just sinking in deeper and deeper. He fell silent. There was nothing he could have said without giving the truth away.
Stefan looked at him sadly, anger gone as quickly as it had appeared.
“So you admit it? That you betrayed me? But why? Am I not good enough anymore? Don’t you love me anymore, Neil?”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Steve, stop that now!” Despite of himself Neil was getting angry. He knew he had no right but he was frustrated and scared and he just wanted this discussion to end. “It was just sex, okay?”
“Just sex? You tell me now it was ‘just sex’? Then what about last night? I was trying to have ‘just sex’ with you but instead you slapped me! Do you like that these days?”
The boy was close to being hysterical now and tears were running down his pale cheek.
Neil wanted to take him into his arms and tell him that it was all nothing but a horrid nightmare, that everything was going to be fine and that he loved him like nothing else in the world. But instead he got up and just stood there, looking down at the crying boy with fake indifference.
“If you really think that, why don’t you go? Did it ever occur to you that I do all of that because…” Neil’s voice broke and he had to turn around to be able to say the words. “…because I really don’t love you anymore? I don’t and I want you to go, to pack your things and not to come back. Ever! I’ll go now and when I return I want you gone!”
He stormed out of the kitchen, put on a coat and left. Not daring to look back. Not wanting to see his poor little boy all lost and hurt. He could not go back, not now, not ever. It was over between him and Stefan. It had to be, if he did not want to take Stefan with him on his downward slide. It was all for the best, he tried to convince himself, even though he felt like he was walking over shattered glass and had left his heart in that kitchen.

When Neil returned to his flat, it was a long time after darkness had fallen. He had been walking in the city aimlessly, swallowing back his tears with too many drinks. He had been quite drunk by midday but now felt sober and sore all at once. He had hoped against hope that Stefan had not listened to him; that he had stayed, stubbornly clinging to him, their relation and their love, like he had done so many times before. But the flat was dark and empty when he closed the door behind him. He instinctively knew that Stefan was gone. That the boy would not be waiting for him in the living room or sleeping in his room. Gone. Like he had ordered him to be. Neil switched on the lights and went through to Stefan’s room, which now he could call the guest-room again, he thought grimly. The door was wide open, the room dark and in a complete mess. The curtains had not been drawn, the bed sheets had been thrown back and the doors of the wardrobe stood open as well. Some things had been tossed on the floor and left there, considered too unimportant to be packed. Neil switched on the light and stood there in the door frame, starring at the chaos for a long time. There was the big Winnie the Pooh he had given the boy for their first Christmas together. There were the pyjamas he had always bought for Stefan. A book that he had persuaded Stefan to read lay with its spine up, pages crumbled underneath. A pair of forgotten socks lurked underneath the desk. It all looked so forlorn. Neil closed his eyes, so this was that then. It was all over. He had pushed the boy out of his life. Punished him and hurt him and blamed him for things that had never been his fault. Stefan would not understand any of this, but how could he? All the fault lay with himself not the boy. He switched the lights off again and left. He did not want to face the emptiness, the silence and his guilt. He just wanted to go somewhere and forget. At least for the night. At least for now. He would have a whole life-time to regret that he had let Stefan go.

The days passed and then the weeks and still he had not seen Stefan again. Neil had not dared to call him up or to go to the flat of the friend he was most likely to stay with. Nobody seemed to have seen the German ever since Neil had thrown him out. None of their shared friends had either seen the boy or knew where he was. The only person whom Neil had not asked was Kevin and for good reason. He did not want to look into his former friend’s accusing face again, he did not want to hear that he had told Stefan what a bastard his ex-boyfriend really was. Most of the others were angry with Neil for quitting with Stefan seemingly out of the blue. They all had asked the same question: How could you do that to him? Why did you treat him that bad? Did you have to fuck around so much? Did you care so little? An endless litany blaming him for everything that went wrong between him and his boyfriend. Words hitting him right at the core, reminding him constantly that everything was far worse than any of his disappointed friends could possible guess. He tried hard to push all of this from his thoughts, to bury himself in work. Spending as many hours in the studio as possible, meeting as many people as possible, agreeing to radio interviews and photo shoots and talking to all sorts of designers, producers and sound engineers about possible future projects just to fill the time. Chris had stopped complaining about this untypical workload, he seemed to know why his friend was doing all of this. Neil went to premiers and gallery openings with Janet, he went clubbing and pretended he was just carrying on as normal. But his life was as far away from normal as it had ever been. He was seriously losing it and everybody seemed to sense it. Maybe people were just to kind to say something, maybe they were scared of his reaction, he did not know. But he knew that he was losing it when he faced himself in the mirror, when he looked his reflection in the eyes. He knew he was losing it when he re-read the latest lyrics he had written, listened to a vocal he had recorded or saw Chris’ face expression when he played him a demo. He felt like he was a stand-in for himself, an actor trying to walk in his shoes, an imposer who was not up for the task. He was trying to fulfil all the expectations but all he came up with was sub-standard. Yet Neil could not care less, he had not been able to fulfil Stefan’s expectations and that was the only thing that mattered. Like the loneliness mattered. And the pain. And the way he was missing Stefan.
Stubbornly he went on day after day, refusing to admit his defeat. Sometimes it was had to remember what he was supposed to do because he was living in a chemical haze and sometimes he did not recognise himself but he went on. God knew for what and God only knew where to.
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A fatal mistake