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I Hate How Much I Love You	By : YoshikiLove Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > X Japan Views: 1869 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of XJapan. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Ok sorry... I wanted to edit the original chapter two. I ended up changing quite a few things, and altering a lot of others. If you read the previous chapter, you get the gist of it, but there's more detail, and an extra scene in this one. In case you want the extra scene, but don't want to read it all, it's added onto the flashback... Sorry for the spoiler!
Once again, I do NOT own X Japan, here you guys go.
~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter Two~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been how long? Minutes turned into hours… Hours into weeks… Weeks into months… Still, he couldn't explain it. That affection had taken all this time to regrow between him and Toshi, but sometimes… When it was dark… and the song in his beautiful head had silenced… He saw Toshi's pained face. It had made him turn cold to his girlfriend until she eventually just dumped him. Not that it mattered. In 3 days she was a forgotten memory.
Yoshiki sat in his new house, the almost empty wine bottle sitting on one of the few items of furniture in the large place. When he'd gotten it, he'd been blissfully happy, finally seeing the reward of coming up in the world. New walls, new floor, new ... EVERYTHING! It was his too...... The stars had faded fast though with all the issues and work piling up on him as usual… Things were a lot different…
After awhile Toshi had somehow become the best option again. Toshi... a small escape from this downward spiral of... nothing. Was it a mistake? The first time hadn't gone so well… but for some reason when Toshi asked him to be his; the words "yes" had slipped out of his mouth before he could even comprehend the decision. He had to admit, Toshi made him happy… He was nice to talk too, and didn't bug him at work like everything else did… but something seemed so off. Yoshiki frowned, twirling the wine glass in his hand. Was he making even more mistakes?
~~~~~~~hide~~~~~~~~
It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking FAIR! Maybe he was a fucking jerk, but when Yoshiki and Toshi had gotten so distant he'd assumed they weren't together, and that sex scene he'd walked in on was just a drunk thing, but then…that fucking thing happened.
It was during a normal recording day. Well, pretty normal, except Yoshiki wasn't screaming about anything… but only because he could barely talk with his sore throat. The music was blaring! Loud and fast and all those great things! His guitar was in tune, and those new speakers were delicious... yum yum yum...
When everything was done, about 9 hours later, he and the rest of the band had walked off, leaving Yoshiki, and Toshi to finish up. It was a nice day, the sky was so blue! EVERYTHING WAS GREAT! Then…Stupid Taiji! He'd been the one to grab hide's guitar case, but when they got to his car, and popped it open there was no damn guitar!
"Uh… didn't check that", Taiji spoke laughingly, his tone maybe... slightly.... SLIGHTLY guilty, but not guilty enough! Taiji just grinned, pressing a hand to the top of his hat. How dare he be so cheery and lighthearted when he'd forgotten his baby! That was his favorite guitar dammit! WHY!? WHY WERE THEY FRIENDS?!
"EEEEEEE! My baby!", hide practically squeeked as he ran back to the studio. I mean, he could have left it, but who knows who could touch it! What if the janitor decided to bring in some 3-year-old family member with sticky fingers, who happened to be a huge hide fan!? Well… Maybe not probable, but that wasn't the issue here.
With a light wave he wandered past the secretary. She was nice enough... Kinda weird and starey, but nice. He'd just rounded the corner, boots squeeking on the highly polished surface…when he saw them…
~~~~~Toshi~~~~~~~
"Toshi, stop. I'm sick", Yoshiki muttered, pushing Toshi's larger frame away with one hand. He had that husky low :Go ahead and do it: tone..
"But you're worth getting sick over", Toshi made a toothy grin. They had enough money, but he never got them fixed. Yoshiki didn't mind so much though, they'd been that way his whole life.
"If my singer gets a sore throat, we'll be behind by th-"
"Yoshiki, Just o-"
"No"
Toshi's strong arms wrapped fully around Yoshiki's waist, his fingers touching gently at the curve of his back. Yoshiki was so thin! But it was nice being able to pull him close so easily. To nibble on his neck, and not let that sick princess push him away, even though he only halfheartedly tried.
"To-"
That's when they heard a THUD. Yoshiki instantly pushed Toshi away, somehow mustering the strength. Hell would break loose if some worker had seen them… and the chills were coursing up both his, and his childhood friends spines. This constant fear of getting caught was slowly becoming familiar…
"Yo-chan… What was-"
"Give me a minute", Yoshiki murmured, once again all business, as he walked down the hallway, glancing around. Nope… No one. "Hmm… Must have been a rat"
"Rat?"
"WAIT! I DON'T WANT ANY DAMN RATS IN MY STUDIO! CALL THE EXTERMINATOR!"
"Bu-"
"NOW!!!!", Yoshiki suddenly gagged, his throat shrieking in pain "uahg.g.g…."
"YOSHIKI?!"
Sickness…How was he going to get his kiss now?
~~~~~hide~~~~~
His forehead hurt... Running into a wall was not slick...but even worse... His heart was breaking… It felt like it was being crushed by some giant obese fan girl. No… This really wasn't the time for joking. He felt like he was dying inside. He knew he thought about Yoshiki a lot… and in more than friendly ways, but he didn't think he'd care this much! That wasn't just mindless sex… They were… a couple. TOSHI AND YOSHIKI! It wasn't fucking fair. Why didn't he realize until now? Why didn't he know before that he loved him? Thinking back, it might have been from the start…
~~~~hide flashback~~~~
"You're hide?", the man asked in soft surprise. He was from another band… Some X thingy. Hide had seen him around at a few gigs. Even listened. This guy was intense! He played so fast, and his body just… moved. It was odd seeing him now though. His spikes were gone, instead his hair was soft, and down. It seemed so much longer, those odd hay and black colored strands reaching down past his shoulders, framing that nicely shaped face.
"Yes, yes, I am", hide replied in a bit of a dark tone. His mood wasn't the best... Another band member had quit. What the hell was he going to do with this? Looked like the end of the road for music anyway. At least he had beauty school…
"Ah.. Need help lighting the fire pot?"
"Eh? Sure"
By the end of that night. Yoshiki and hide's faces were black. The fire pot had turned into a disaster… Leaving the tips of his hair charred, and soot covering every inch of his clothes. One thing he remembered perfectly clear though, no matter how many years that passed, was Yoshiki with that dark soot covering every single part of him, turning… and laughing. Those white teeth glistened, eyes sparkling with mirth… No one else ever had a laugh like that… One that made him fill up from the inside out with… something warm.
"Be with me", Yoshiki said suddenly, his eyes shining as he looked at him.
"WHA!? BU-BU BUT I'M NOT GAY!!!" hide had practically jumped back, his eyes, golden from contacts almost popping out of his skull. Yoshiki simply stared at him blankly for a few long moments before breaking into that laughter again.
"No, NO! My band! You wont regret it!"
Why had he gone? Not the great reviews for X. Not because of some glimmer of hope that he'd be a star. It was the look on Yoshiki's face, that aura of confidence and laughter... "Be with me"... It was during some of the hardest parts of his life that he remembered Yoshiki's hand in his, a soft but firm handshake, the laughter in his tone as he said that...
"Be with me"
~~~~~~hide~~~~~
It just… wasn't fair….
hide's face was oddly blank as he walked out of the office. He hadn't said goodbye to the secretary as always... He hadn't trounced down the steps like he normally did after a good practice. Just nothing... X was his life... Yoshiki's X... Or so he'd always thought, but now he'd gone and lost something he never even knew he'd wanted?
"hide, where's the guitar?", Pata asked cheerfully, taking hide out of memory lane… quite rudely I might add.
"I uh… saw it, and decided I wanted to leave it there" His baby could break into 40 pieces and it wouldn't matter now.
"Hah! Just like you! Go all the way, and don't even take anything back!"
"haha", It was hard to smile… "Yeah… I never get anything"
If only they knew.
~~~~~~~4 months later~~~~~~~~~
Everyone noticed it, that distant and cold vibe between Yoshiki and Toshi. It wasn't really hidden, with them not even talking to each other for over a week. Pata and Taiji just brushed it off… Probably just another fight between friends? This wouldn't be the first time they'd argued…
The one most curious about it though… was none other then… well… HIM, hide… He hadn't been able to sleep… Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Toshi and Yoshiki in each others arms... it kept him awake, but if Yoshiki was happy… it didn't really matter… right? Every night was drowned in booze… Waking up at a different place, with a different woman, with a name he couldn't even remember. How the hell he even managed to remember practices was beyond him.
I mean… maybe he'd wished for them to fight, just so that he wouldn't have to live with this misery for a minute… but had he REALLY wanted it?… Well… Yeah… But seeing Yoshiki so upset hadn't been anywhere in those wishes. When the room was clear, everyone having left to go do whatever it is they do, hide had stayed.
"Yo-chan… what's wrong?", hide asked softly. He was trying his best to be the caring affectionate type... It really wasn't his thing though... Well, actually on occasion he-... He was getting off topic, and at a bad time...
Yoshiki had turned quickly, his long hair falling into his face. He seemed even more upset for a minute, those dark brows pinching close together. Okay, now he regretted asking. This wasn't what he had in mind... He looked very pretty upset though bu-... Back on topic!.... again...
"hi-chan… I know you know…"
There was silence for a minute. They both knew what the other was talking about,. Well… Mostly anyway. hide still didn't remember his drunken blunder all those months ago. Yoshiki didn't talk after that, and neither did he. It was just quiet… This was the first time silence had ever actually hurt his ears. Just when he was about to babble, he heard Yoshiki… His voice was so soft and low…
"He…Left me…"
"LEFT YOU?!"
That was not what he'd expected, well… actually he did expect it, but it still came as a shock! Who could leave Yo-chan!? Yes he was a control freak… a bit into himself, stubborn, depressive, greedy… a jerk… Well… he was perfect! He had so many beautiful qualities too, things that made him shine… That made him so much more than anyone else. No one was as… sensitive… smart…Talented… No one had that smile… That happiness that was shown on every single part of him… The bad just made him so much more unique.
"Yes he left me! For a woman…", Yoshiki looked down, turning to the window. It was almost as if he didn't want to look at him… and it pissed him off! That slender back, stiff and proud, just pushing him away... He never let him close.
hide was across the room in a second, his long rough fingers curling around Yoshiki's shoulders, turning him around… and what did he see? He was crying… Wet tears dripping down those perfect features… and before he knew it, he'd kissed him.
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I Hate How Much I Love You