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Forbidden Light	By : KathyF1Slash Category: Individual Celebrities > Athlete/Sports Misc Views: 1445 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the people written about in this fanfiction. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter 3: You say there's nothing on your mind

Yesterday and the day before that, were reasonable. I’m at the Spanish circuit of Barcelona. The free practice was good, we got a lot of data and we were able to find a good set-up for the qualification. The race yesterday went well. But I’m still slightly disappointed that I didn’t win. I always want to win. But I also realize that just wasn’t possible, I tried hard but didn’t win. A second place is not that bad. So once on the podium I was happy about it. Now I have to start from seventh position in the second race today.
I’m still confused, about my feelings for Nico, but I’ve giving up on denying my attraction to him. It’s just no use, the harder I try to deny it and tell myself I shouldn’t feel this way about him, the more I want it. So for now I’ve given up on denying my feelings for him. I need all my focus for the race.

My race was reasonable, I ended 4th. I could have achieved a better result, when I wouldn’t have fallen back at the start. My start was a disaster, I lost some positions and while I was able to take them back. It did cost me time, so I couldn’t get any closer to the head of the field.
It’s now evening and I’m in my hotel room.
I’ve been wondering what dad thinks about gay relationships. I think I know in general what he’ll say, but I want to know for sure. So I’ll try to approach the subject casually. I’m trying to figure out how to approach this and breach the subject to him. Then I hear my father’s voice. But because I was lost in thought I didn’t hear what he said.
“I’m sorry what did you say?” I ask him.
“I said, I’m proud of your achievements today. But you didn’t hear me. Is there something on your mind?”
“No not really just thinking what I can improve for tomorrow.” I reply while my brain is still feverishly trying to figure out how to bring this conversation on the subject of gay people. Then I have an idea the connection may be a bit far fetched, but it will have to do. I’m nervous and hope he won’t notice it.
“You say you’re proud of me, but isn’t pride considered a sin? So I guess I’m a bit of a sinner when I say that I’m proud of what I have achieved today.” I say in a slightly mocking humorous tone.
Dad smiles, “Yes pride is indeed a sin, but as long as you’re still thinking about how you can improve and not start looking down on people. I don’t think pride will really be a problem or a sin in your case son. Only when you have too much pride and forget all about God it becomes a sin.”
“So I guess you would consider being gay to be more of a sin.” I reply, trying to prevent my voice from sounding nervous.
“To be honest I fail to see the connection,” -my heart stops for a moment, please don’t let him think too much of it “but ,yes being gay indeed is a sin.” –he continues. “No matter how you look at it, being gay is wrong and a sin, unlike pride which does not have to be a sin in moderate amounts.”
Like I expected actually, I don’t now if I should be relieved because of his answer or not. Now I do know how he feels about it. But that is not going to make it any easer for me. But dad isn’t done yet, he has even more to say about it.
“But even gay people are not beyond redemption. If they just give up their evil lifestyle and seek forgiveness from God.”
When he says it like that, it sounds so simple, I wish it was.
“Thanks dad. I think I’m going to bed now.” I don’t know whet else to say I need some time alone with my thoughts.

In the past I’ve always been able to talk to my father. We’ve shared much. But not this time, he wouldn’t understand. I can’t talk to him about my growing attraction to Nico. He won’t like it nor believe me if I told him I was attracted to Nico. Maybe he would blame it on my hurt and confusion after breaking up with Jodia.
I after all thought the same at first. But I’ve been looking at girls walking around at the paddock. Some of them are beautiful and nice too, and I also talked to some. But I felt no actual attraction, they were nice but nothing more. All the girls had just one important flaw, they weren’t Nico.
I’m not even sure if I’m attracted to men now, or that it just is Nico that I’m attracted to. This is so confusing, I really start to hate and get frustrated with myself.

What to do now, ignoring Nico is not going to help in any way. I should go back to my normal behaviour. I’ll be careful and make sure Nico doesn’t find out. I don’t want to risk my friendship with him. I’m sure he’ll be disgusted with me if he finds out I’m attracted to him. For now let everything take it’s course. And concentrate on racing. Though even that is hard, more then once caught myself fantasising about him.
How his lips would feel on mine, what it would be like to run my hands through that sunny blonde hair. I’ve seen him doing it many times, but now when I pay attention to it, I realize how sensual it looks when he runs his hands trough his hair and sticking some stray locks behind his ear. I don’t think he’s even aware how, how something -I can’t even find the word to describe it- he looks when he does that.
I became hyper aware of everything about him now that I’m paying more attention to it. His hands, when they move trough his hair, the gracefulness of such a movement.

A/N~
Anthony Hamilton (Lewis’ father) maybe sounds too much like a religion fanatic, but he’s as far as I know a religious man. And I’ve had discussions with religious people and this is usually how they respond to the subject of gay people. No offence.
The author is hungry for reviews, so please read and review. Even if you just say you read it in a reply, that’s enough. I just would like to know if any people are reading my story.
And maybe someone can help me out. Do any of you know at which race Lewis has short hair again? During the beginning of the 2006 season he let it grow, but halfway he cut it short again.
K~
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