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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
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Chapter 3
Shinya took a little bite of stew and smiled contently. It was tasty. The smell lingered in the kitchen and mixed with the cigarette’s nasty smell.
-Could you put it out? –he asked.
-I’m hungry.
-The meal is almost ready.
-What about the dessert?
-It’s already done. I baked the cherry cake in the morning before coming here.
-Why?
-Well, you like it best. Would you better preferred pudding or dumplings?
-No, I mean why you bother at all?
-Kyo, it’s no trouble. I wasn’t doing anything special so I thought that I could visit you.
Kyo didn’t answer anything to that.
-Are you in love with me or something? –he finally asked after a while.
-Oh, Kyo-kun, that’s a funny one, -Shinya smiled.
-Lately you’ve been very nice to me.
-Well, that’s what friends are for. Now, be so kind and put it out.
Kyo sighted, put out the cigarette and went to take the dishes. When they finally sat at the table and ate, Kyo looked extremely pleased.
-Like it? –Shinya asked.
-Uh-uh, -Kyo muttered with a full mouth of food.
The stew was quickly eaten and the cake took it’s place on the table. Kyo sipped his coffee and took a large bite of the cake.
-So, what did he say about my lyrics?
Shinya looked up and suddenly his face became very serious.
-He said that it will match with the music well.
-He won’t tell me to rewrite?
-No.
They ate for some minutes in silence.
-Do you really feel like that, Kyo?
-I’m not going to kill him if that’s what you’re asking.
-You still love him?
-Of course I do, -was a silent response.
-Sorry, that was a stupid question.
Kyo suddenly sneezed.
-Do you…
-Yes, -Kyo interrupted before Shinya could say anything more. –I drank tea, kept myself warm and did other stuff like that. I’ll be ok soon.
-If you say so…
They finished the cake in silence. Shinya gathered dishes and put them in a sink. Kyo lit up another cigarette and remained at the table silently thinking about something.
-Kyo-kun?
-Yeah?
-Take care of yourself, ok?
Kyo just smiled and did not say anything.
-Would you like me to stay?
Again silence. Shinya understood that as no.
-Well, if you need anything, just call me, ok?
He went into a hall and put on his shoes. Kyo unlocked the door and Shinya stepped out of the apartment.
-Thanks for the dinner, -Kyo suddenly said.
-Iie, -Shinya smiled.
The vocalist closed the door and went back to the kitchen. It took him some time to realize that his mobile phone was ringing. He took it and looked at it. Kaoru.
-Yeah…
-Hey, it’s me, Kaoru.
-Hi.
-How’s your cold?
-I’m feeling much better.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah…
-Ok, then. Um…
-Bye.
-Bye.
Kyo hung up. Suddenly the good feeling that lingered in him after a great dinner vanished. That was their first normal conversation after their break up and it didn’t even last a minute. Kyo sat at the table not knowing what to do. He wanted to call Kaoru and tell him that he still loved him. But it was useless to do so. Kaoru seemed to move on easily without him.
Without him…
Kyo felt a tear running down his cheek.
It will take me a long time to stop loving beautiful Kaoru…
***
There was nothing on the television. The radio seemed to play the same songs over and over again. There was nothing to do on this boring Sunday.
~~~
-Do you want to go somewhere or would you rather stay at home?
Kyo looked at his lover and shrugged.
-We could go to the cinema or just take a walk, -Kaoru suggested.
-It’s already four, I’d rather take a walk, -Kyo answered.
So, they went to the park that was near Kaoru’s apartment. They walked slowly enjoying the calm and nice weather.
-Kaoru…
-Yeah?
-We’ve been together for almost seven months now. We always are together on weekends except those rare times we go to visit our family. We often go to someone’s place after work…
-What are you trying to say?
-Wouldn’t it be more convenient if we… you know… if we would move in to live together…
Kaoru was silent for a moment. He didn’t even turn to look at Kyo.
-I was actually thinking about it for some time already. But I finally decided that it’s ok the way it is now.
Kyo lowered his head in disappointment.
-Are you unsatisfied with what we have now?
-No, but I thought… I don’t know…
-We’ve got such a long way ahead, Kyo. There’s no need to hurry. We spend so much time together and I’m perfectly fine with that.
-I know, but I want to be with you ALL the time.
-My kawaii warumono, -Kaoru chuckled and quickly placed a kiss on his cheek. –I promise to go back to this subject later, ok?
-Ok.
~~~
But you never did, Kaoru, never…
***
The day was so busy that he barely had a decent dinner. And the meeting with the manager was still waiting. Kyo took another cigarette from the pack and lit it. He smoked too much these days.
-Ah, that’s great, -he heard Toshiya say and turned to look at him. Toshiya sat at the table with a cup of hot coffee.
-Where are the others? –Kyo asked.
-They’ll soon be here. The manager will be late for fifteen minutes.
-Fucker, -Kyo muttered. –I want to go home not to wait for his majesty to show up.
-Why so angry? –Toshiya asked. –It’s just fifteen minutes.
They were silent for some time when suddenly Toshiya asked:
-Me, Die and Shinya are going for a drink after work. Kaoru won’t be joining us. So, maybe you would?
Kyo thought about it for some time and nodded.
-Great, -Toshiya smiled with satisfaction. And so after work they all were heading to a nearest pub. Kyo wandered why on earth Shinya agreed to go because he did not like to drink much. Die was in a mood for serious drinking and Toshiya just wanted to get some fun.
-I want to get drunk tonight, -Die said.
-Don’t you dare! –Shinya shot back angrily. –You are supposed to drive us all home tonight.
-Ah, why on earth I promised to do that…
Toshiya chuckled and waved for the waitress. She came and the guys ordered drinks and some refreshments.
-So, Kyo, will you finish the lyrics for the other song soon? –Die asked.
-Yeah, maybe in a few days. I’ve already got the idea and a few main lines.
-That’s great, -Toshiya smiled. –We won’t have Kaoru shouting at us then.
-His behavior towards us improved lately, -Shinya tried to intercede Kaoru.
-Yeah, right! –Die laughed. –The fact that he looses his patience when he just has to repeat something twice really shows how gentle he is.
-Could we, please, change the subject? –Kyo asked.
-Uh, sure… -Die said a little baffled.
The order arrived and the guys started to drink and talked about nothing in particular. With every order Die seemed to get even more and more drunk and Shinya felt he had to interfere.
-That’s enough for you, Die. Please, stop drinking.
He took the glass from Die’s hand and put it aside.
-You’re not my mother, don’t order me around!
-Shinya’s right, -Kyo said, -stop drinking.
-You’re no fun to be with.
-Hey, Shin-chan, -Toshiya suddenly said, -I think you’re worried about Die!
-I’m worried about us getting home in all pieces, -Shinya retorted.
-Hey babe! –somebody said behind them. The guys turned around and saw a tall, muscular foreigner standing right behind Shinya. The guy leaned forward a bit and took Shinya’s hand.
-Would you like to join our table? -he showed with a move of his head to the table that was in the other end of the cafeteria. –Me and a friend of mine would be delighted to have your company. Leave these dorks alone.
Shinya suddenly became red in the face and tried to take his hand from the other one’s hand.
-Don’t be so stubborn, sweetie, -the guy smiled. He looked even more drunk than Die.
-I’m not a girl, -Shinya said still blushing furiously.
-Oh, so you’re saying that you are already experienced? A woman, eh? –he chuckled. –Well, I like experienced women.
-I’m not a woman! I’m a guy!
The man stared at him for some seconds then his face suddenly became red of anger. He suddenly raised his hand and struck Shinya so hard in the face, that he felt down from the chair and held his face in his hands whimpering. Blood seeped through his fingers immediately. Kyo jumped from his seat and leaned over Shinya wanting to see if he was badly hurt. He tried to pull away his hands but Shinya didn’t let him. Kyo held his hands hard and pushed them from his face. Shinya’s lip was bleeding badly, the chin and left cheek were already black. It looked like his mouth was full of blood. The tears were already in Shinya’s eyes.
Suddenly Die screamed and Kyo turned to look. Die was on the ground, the big guy on him. The foreigner was thumping him not even aiming properly. Die was more drunk than the guy, so he could only lie and try to avoid punches. He also saw Toshiya father away from the table trying to hold back foreigner’s friend who apparently rushed to help. Kyo ran to him and pushed the guy off of Die. The foreigner then jumped on Kyo. But Kyo was sober, quick and quite strong. While somebody finally came and separated them, Kyo managed to leave a black eye on the guy’s face and some pain in his flank. Kyo stood up and rubbed his arm. The guy managed to land there one punch.
-Fuck, -Die cursed and tried to stand up but failed. He was drunk and now also lightly dizzy. Kyo came over to Shinya again.
-How are you, -he asked with concern.
-My… teeth… -Shinya managed to say.
Kyo decided to call an ambulance and in a half of an hour they were at the hospital. Toshiya did not go with them because he was completely OK. The foreigner’s friend was so drunk that Toshiya did not have any problems with him.
Die was soon released because there was nothing serious with him. But Shinya had a front teeth knocked out. Luckily, the doctors still could put it in place for it to heal. It was lucky that Kyo decided to call an ambulance.
Kyo called a taxi and first dropped Die at his place. The guy fell asleep twice. First, in the hospital, then in the car. Kyo just waved him goodbye and said:
-We’ll talk tomorrow.
Then they went to Shinya’s place.
-Feeling better? –Kyo asked when they were almost there.
Shinya just nodded.
-Well, we’ll meet tomorrow. There will be a lot of explaining to Kaoru, -Kyo sighted thinking that Kaoru would definitely not like this.
-I’m sorry, -Shinya whispered.
-For what?
-For getting in trouble because of me…
-No, it’s not like…
But the taxi stopped and Shinya not listening any more jumped out and went home. Kyo sighted again looking at his figure.
***
-What the… -Kaoru wasn’t even able to finish the sentence. Kyo, Die and Shinya all entered the room at the same time. Toshiya was already here, standing by Kaoru, but for some reason he was not surprised at all at the sight.
The three looked awful. Die had a black eye, his lip was cut and he looked like he had a wild night. Kyo also had a cut eyebrow which he noticed only in the morning. And Shinya… The guy had such a big black chin and cheek that it was a sorry sight and something was really bad with his lower lip that looked like a tank had run over it.
-What the fuck happened to you? –Kaoru finally managed to ask.
-Eto… We were out last night… -Die started. –Just to have some drinks and talk…
-I’m sorry, -Shinya suddenly said and bowed. –It’s my fault.
-No, it’s not! –Die said rather angry.
-Yes, it is. You had to fight just because of me.
-Will someone please explain me what exactly happened? -Kaoru said and from his tone it was clear that he was already running out of patience.
-We were sitting at the table, -Toshiya started speaking, -when suddenly a guy came over. He thought that Shinya was a woman and wanted to take him away but Shin-chan said he wasn’t a girl. The man just hit Shinya hard on the face and knocked his front teeth out. Die immediately jumped on the guy, I tried to shield them from his friend and Kyo helped Die. That’s the story.
Kaoru looked at them all again. Shinya lowered his eyes in shame.
-If not Kyo, I would be at the hospital right now, -Die suddenly said. –Thanks, man.
-It’s nothing, -Kyo smiled and added. –If you’d drink less, you’d be able to defend yourself better than that.
-Thanks, Die, -Shinya said silently, -for trying to defend me.
-Iie…
-Well, I’m not grateful at all for anything, -Kaoru said. –I’m not blaming you, Shinya, don’t worry, but I am extremely unsatisfied with all of you. Why the hell you decided to go out to drink ON MONDAY? The weekend had just ended! Why, on earth, you had to drag your sorry assess to a bar ON MONDAY?
-We did not have much… -Toshiya started but was soon cut off by Kaoru.
-I’m not interested at all whether you drank much or not! The important thing is CONSEQUENCES! You could have been hurt badly!
-But we are ok…
-Look at Shinya!! Does he look OK to you?! He looks fucking AWFUL! Will you ever grow up?! Will you ever learn?!
-Nothing bad happened, -Kyo interrupted. –Shinya’s teeth will soon be OK and…
-Oh yes! –Kaoru cut him off. –The hero spoke! Where were YOU when they decided this Monday trip to a bar, huh?! I don’t fucking care that you knocked this guy out!
-I’m not boasting for anything, -Kyo tried to reason with Kaoru. –We just wanted to have some time together like friends. It’s not our fault that some guy decided to hit Shinya.
-I don’t fucking care that he WILL be ok! Look at him! JUST LOOK AT HIM! And to all of you! How on earth we are going to have an interview looking like THAT?! We’ll have to cancel it!
-Then we’ll cancel it, -Kyo said. –It’s no big deal.
-NO BIG DEAL?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! It’s an on-air interview!!! AN ON-AIR INTERVIEW!!!
-We heard you the first time, -Kyo shot back.
Kaoru suddenly ran to him, grabbed Kyo by his lapels and spit out angrily:
-Don’t get fucking smart with me. You fucked up completely and there’s no excuse for your behavior.
-Kaoru, calm down, -Toshiya said but Kaoru just glared at him with rage and Toshiya backed off.
-Don’t start tutoring me, shrimp, -he said to Kyo with anger in his eyes. –I’m here the leader. I am responsible for ALL your crap! I have to explain myself for all of you so I have the fucking right to be FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!!!
-Let him go, Kaoru, -Shinya pleaded.
Kaoru gave a heave to Kyo but still looked at him bitterly.
-You’re not right this time, -Kyo said looking at Kaoru. –It’s not our fault this guy wanted to start a fight. Admit it and stop yelling at us.
-I will not admit ANYTHING! You hear me?! You’re so totally pathetic, -Kaoru said looking at Kyo.
Kyo narrowed his eyes in anger.
-Me? Pathetic?
-Yes, you.
There was silence and then Kyo lost his temper.
-You are the one who’s pathetic here! I did NOTHING wrong but it looks as if I started that fight! Can you at least once stop blaming me for everything? Can you not confuse work and personal life for once?!
-I’m not doing that! Don’t over estimate yourself. You mean NOTHING to me! You hear me? NOTHING.
Kyo suppressed the tears that suddenly sprang to his eyes. How could he say things like that after a year of relationship?
-I thought I meant something to you, -he said. –Are you that heartless?
-Our relationship had no future and you knew that perfectly well. I try not to single you out from everyone else but it’s so difficult. You want my attention so desperately. And it’s not me who’s confusing work with personal affairs. What about your new lyrics for a song? How should I react to them? You act so childish, Kyo. Don’t blame me for anything because I try hard to make our life in band tolerable.
-Well, I try hard as well, -Kyo said but his voice sounded weak this time. –I try so hard to please you. And you know I’d do anything for you…
-Oh, really? Then why didn’t you spread your legs for me? It’s not like it is a hard job. Every dickhead could do that.
-I don’t understand what I ever saw in you... –Kyo whispered and left the room closing the door behind him. Kaoru looked for some time at some spot in the wall then turned angrily to the others.
-Well, what are you waiting for! Go away, have a fucking day off! Go, get drunk, get beaten, I don’t fucking care!
-Kaoru, -Shinya started but was soon cut off by the leader.
-Just GO!
Nobody said a word and went out leaving raging Kaoru alone.
***
When Kyo finally got back home it was already dark. He did not drink at all, he just didn’t want to go home. He knew that Shinya would come but he didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t want to talk to anybody, in fact. He turned off his mobile phone and spent the day in the city just roaming around the shops, cafes and trying not to think about anything.
He only saw him when he was already near his apartment’s door. Kaoru stood leaning to the wall and looked at him. Kyo froze to the spot, then slowly calmed his racing heart and came up to the door.
-Can we talk? –Kaoru asked.
-I don’t have anything more to tell you.
-But I have.
-Please, Kaoru, don’t…
-We need to talk, -Kaoru interrupted him and Kyo was too tired to argue any more so he just unlocked the door and they stepped in. Kaoru took his shoes off and went to the living room. When Kyo entered the room, he found Kaoru already sitting on the sofa. Kyo took a seat and looked sadly at Kaoru.
-I’m sorry, -Kaoru suddenly said. –I was a jerk this morning. I overreacted. I know this is no excuse but still…
-That’s OK, -Kyo answered. –I’m not angry. Not any more.
-I just wanted to hurt you, that’s why I said that nasty thing about you spreading your legs. I didn’t mean it, Kyo. Sorry.
-You wanted to hurt me? –Kyo laughed. –But why?
-Well, it was hard for me to split up with you. I felt so disappointed, I just…
-Then why did you leave me? Kaoru, please, we can start this over…
-No, -Kaoru interrupted. –I meant it when I said it’s the end. Our relationship was just more trouble at times than fun. I don’t want to start a discussion about it again. We cleared things out. I just came to apologize because I understood I was not fair to you.
-But what do I do? –Kyo suddenly felt completely pathetic and grievous. –God, I love you so much…
Kyo could not take it any more. He started to weep bitter tears and could not hold them. He covered his face with arms and leaned forward putting his head on his knees.
-Kyo, please, stop…
But that didn’t help. Kyo just couldn’t force himself to stop.
-Am I really nothing to you? –he asked. –Did this year mean nothing to you at all?
Kaoru didn’t say a word.
-I love you, jerk, -Kyo cursed. –I … please, take what you need… don’t mind my pain… if it’s all you lack, take me roughly, fuck me hard, don’t pay attention to anything… fuck me sore, fucking rape me, I don’t care, just stay with me…
Kaoru was silent. Kyo just kept crying. Finally, when his tears seemed to cease a little, Kaoru spoke:
-I think I should leave the band.
Kyo lifted his head suddenly and looked at the man before him.
-You can easily find another guitarist, but without you there’s no Dir En Grey.
-No, you can’t…
-I can’t see any other way out. I can’t be with you, Kyo. I can’t be with a man who says he loves me but he doesn’t desire me. I’ve already told you, Kyo, I felt like using you. You don’t get hard because of me. How can you say then that you want me?
-I just need time…
-TIME! It’s been five months! Are you some shy virgin that you…
Kaoru stopped and tried to calm down.
-I will not be with you, Kyo. I’ll say it bluntly – I hate it when you push me away. It disgusts me. It makes me feel that this thing we have… that we had was really a bad and sinful thing. Your not wanting to give over to me makes me feel that we should plead God forgiveness for ever starting it. We’re men, for God’s sake! Maybe it was better we didn’t go too far. It’s not too late for us. We did nothing to be ashamed of.
-How can love be sinful?
-Our relationship must have been sinful, otherwise you would have submitted to me easily. Something keeps you back. The perversity of it, I think.
-My love for you isn’t perverted…
-It’s not for us to judge.
They fell silent again. Kyo felt completely broken. And he felt even worse for loosing his pride and crying like that in front of him. Kaoru despised weak people.
-Then at least don’t leave the band. We need you. I swear that I will never mention our relationship again. I give you my word. Just don’t leave…
-OK.
Kyo sighted in relief. He didn’t want to be the cause of Kaoru’s retirement. Maybe it would have been better to never see the beautiful leader ever again, but the circumstances were not well-disposed. He had to accept the situation as it was though it broke his heart.
Kaoru suddenly stood up and left without saying another word. Kyo leaned into a seat and closed his eyes.
…my beautiful… Ka-o-ru…
TBC

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Until You Lose Your Breath