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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
My betareader from now on is lovely kampfussel ^^
So this is the chapter where I finally am happy with the whole thing ^^ The first two were difficult, but chapter 3 was so much fun to write :))) Loved it! XD And hope you will like it too! ^^
CHAPTER 3
--- the 12th of March 2010 ---
I drag my feet to my car, with two bags of food in my hands. It sucks to live alone. I have to take care of everything: the food, the laundry, the cleaning-up, the bills and so on and so forth. Sometimes it gets on my nerves.
Like today.
For some reason today I am in a shitty mood.
Maybe because I had a lousy day at work. My work sucks. I hate to work in an office. Sometimes it is decent enough, but most of the time it is boring and unchallenging. I do my best in hopes of getting an even higher position, but sometimes it is still just plainly boring.
I sigh and put the bags on the ground to open the doors of the car, and then shove the bags inside.
“Kaoru!”
I stiffen at hearing my name so unexpectedly and turn to see whom I ran into in this car park of the mall. At the back of my head a feeling that the voice is something very special to me nags me. But I turn to look at the person totally oblivious to who its owner is.
And for a moment I don’t recognize the man in front of me. As if part of me would be strongly rejecting the truth standing in front of my eyes. But I take in the face in front of me – the nose, the so familiar full lips, deep dark eyes and those handsome cheekbones, the blond hair – and the truth becomes obvious.
“Kyo?” I stutter, not wanting to believe that it’s really him in front of me.
Kyo slowly approaches me, looking a bit intimidated and hesitant, but curious. He stops just a few steps away from me and manages to force a little smile. I look him over more carefully now. He looks much older – much more mature than how he looked… how many years ago? Seven? Eight?
He’s got more tattoos as far as I can see, his hair is still blond and his face has a harder edge to it, something hostile in it. And his eyes… his eyes bear so much more feelings than they used to. They look much deeper and much more contemplating. As if he was almost another man, not the Kyo I used to know.
“Hi, Kaoru” he says and I feel my legs get weak at just hearing his voice after so many years.
“H-hi” I finally manage to utter.
For a moment we just stand in front of each other, looking at one another. We used to know each others thoughts so well, no words needed. But now I stand here not having any idea what Kyo might be thinking now, looking at me in my black suit and neatly combed black hair.
“I saw you in the mall and… well… but I wasn’t sure it was you. But I’m glad I decided to approach you.”
In the mall? So he must have seen and followed me here, hesitating if he should call my name or not and deciding to do it the last minute. And I’m glad he did.
“I work just right beside the mall, so I usually do the shopping here. It’s convenient.”
“Uhuh.”
What the hell are we talking about? There are so many things I want to ask him, but I don’t know if I can. Maybe he just wanted to say hi and has no intention of developing a normal conversation with me.
“How have you been doing?” Kyo asks, stepping a little closer, looking me in the eyes.
“I should be asking you that” I say. And immediately regret it. Not only is it rude, but also too personal. We haven’t met for so many years now and maybe Kyo is just being polite and has no intentions of revealing anything of what had happened to him back then. And I am being too blunt.
“I’m fine” he says, but I can see that I hit the most sensitive spot. He looks a bit irritated all of a sudden.
“Sorry, Kyo. I know it’s not my business. Not anymore.”
He suddenly smiles gently, as if he didn’t really care at all.
“How have you been, Kaoru? For real. I haven’t heard a word from you for so many years.”
My heart fills with happiness and warmth hearing that he cares enough to think about me from time to time.
“I’m fine, I guess.”
I don’t know what to tell him. I have some problems here and there, but on the whole my life is an average one now. I can’t really complain. It is nothing compared to what it’s been when I was dating a gorgeous singer of a famous rock band.
Suddenly my chests cramps painfully, as if lacking oxygen by being pressed down by the whole weight of the world.
I never thought I’d see him again. And I never thought I’d still be drawn to him so much. And now it hurts me to think he’d soon, so very very soon, would be turning away from me and walking in a different direction.
I hate myself for this weakness. For I still… still bear some feelings for him in my heart, even if they are buried so very deep that I myself forget about them most of the time.
I see him hesitate for a moment, as if not being able to decide if he wants to already go away or still stay for a moment or so.
“How is your sister doing?” I ask, just to fill in the uncomfortable silence.
“She got married.”
“Oh, congratulations!”
God, why can’t I hold a decent conversation with him? Why do I have to seem to be so lame? I’ve always been younger and more naïve compared to him, and yet after so many years I still feel to be the same. Kyo is much more handsome than me. And a much more wonderful person than I am.
“Well…” Kyo says and I hate to see him turning slightly away from me, as if intending to finally go. Something comes over me and I act on the moment, forgetting my pride and not caring if I’d seem desperate to him.
“Would you like to go have dinner with me? I know a good place very nearby!”
He looks at me for a moment a bit surprised, but then smiles slightly and nods.
“Great!”
Ahh God damn it! I don’t want to seem to be such a desperate loser to him! But surprisingly Kyo just smiles more at me. He seems not to be surprised by my outburst.
“I’ll lock the car and we can go on foot. It’s really very near here.”
He nods yet again. So I lock the car and we start walking. I wish I did a better job this morning at trying to make myself look more presentable. Now I almost look as one of those office guys – plain and boring, and like everyone else.
For some time we walk side by side in silence. It’s hard for me to stop my heart beating miles per hour. I can’t really believe this. I thought I’d never see him again. I really thought so.
I try to eye him while not being too obvious about it. He doesn’t seem to be suffering. He seems to be just fine. Well, except for his eyes. The look in his eyes always used to be gentle, but now there’s something cruel in it, something hostile and angry. It must be a trace left of whatever he had to undergo while he was missing.
Though I would never imagine what it was that he had to undergo.
I know only what I’ve read in newspapers and what I’ve heard from our mutual friends or acquaintances. But as Kyo never even gave a testimony to the police, nobody really knows what happened to him. Well, maybe just his family.
And the guy who was taking care of Kyo when he was found.
His ex-bandmate. Kaoru Niikura.
I never had anything against him. From what little I saw when I met him, I even thought of him as a nice guy. But not anymore.
I know he did the job that his parents didn’t want or couldn’t do, but he had what I always wanted – he had a chance to live with Kyo and to save him. He had a chance to do something for Kyo that Kyo would always remember. Thus leaving a trace in Kyo’s life forever.
And what did I have?
A relationship that didn’t even last long? Just another boyfriend to fill up the time?
I know I’m being unfair and wrong somewhat, as I know Kyo loved me back then and it wasn’t totally meaningless. But this Kaoru guy had a much more important role in Kyo’s life and I simply loaf that.
“How’s your brother?” Kyo asks so unexpectedly that I jump a little.
“He’s fine. Got himself a second child a few years ago. Again a girl. Still works in the same company and by now I think he will be working there for the rest of his life.”
“And what about you?”
I turn to him for a moment. Does he mean if I have any children or is he asking about a job?
“Are you going to stay in this job for good?” he clarifies.
“I don’t know. I hope not. It is quite boring.”
“Well, at least you have a job.”
I bite my tongue to stop myself from asking any questions. The bitterness in his tone says it all. A job must be a problem for him now. And obviously he doesn’t have one. Perhaps due to his health history now. But I can’t help to ask one specific question.
“Aren’t you going to sing anymore?”
He throws me a look as if asking was I mad or simply stupid.
“No” he says and falls silent. And I immediately regret my big mouth. Now the conversation stops again until we reach the restaurant and the silence is very awkward.
We get a table in the back of the restaurant and still keep silent while choosing what to eat. I choose what I usually have here, so I’m not surprised to be the first one to put the menu down on the table. Kyo still is analyzing his and I carefully look at him, hoping he won’t see I was starring.
The restaurant is half-lit and all is partly sunk in shadows. The mood is somewhat romantic. Perhaps I should have thought of a different, more neutral place. But it’s too late now anyway.
I see his brows furrowed a little in thought, but then he slowly lowers the menu and looks at me.
A strong feeling of longing washes over me. At that moment I feel drawn to him so strongly that it almost hurts. I missed him so much. I cried like some pansy over our split up so many nights. And when he went missing, I almost got crazy out of worry and fear that something fatal might have happened to him.
I tortured myself by wanting to see him when he was found but they didn’t let me. Random people couldn’t go and I was one of them. And when he recovered (I was following his health closely by asking my mom from time to time, as she has a cousin who is Kyo’s parents’ neighbor, so she always gathers some gossip), I already didn’t even try contacting him.
Would he remember me? Would he even care about my stupid problems when he had to go through so much? Would he even give a damn that I wanted all the best for him and wished he would be happy? Would he even care I still exist?
Now, sitting in front of him, I was at a loss of what to tell him, because there was just too much. And we have drifted apart so long ago. It wasn’t easy anymore. And I didn’t do anything to deserve his company. I wasn’t there for him after all that had happened to him back then.
I see him part his lips slightly as if he wanted to say something, but the waitress comes up to us and interrupts. I quickly order the usual set I get and Kyo gets himself a steak and coffee. Perhaps we’re both driving tonight. I wish I didn’t though! I would benefit from alcohol so much right now!
The waitress goes away and we’re alone again. The restaurant is only half-full and we’re far at the back, partly covered by folding Japanese-style screen. Kyo puts his hands on the table and leans in his chair.
“You have changed so much” he says, as if telling this more to himself than me.
“Really?”
He nods a bit and smiles.
“You’re just so mature… Well, I mean, it’s only logical and expected, as it has been many years since we met, but still… you’re not how I remember you.”
“You too.”
His smile falters for a moment, but this time he doesn’t seem as shaken as before.
“Am I even more handsome?” he grins at me.
“Much more handsome” I say without hesitation.
“Ha! Thanks, I guess. You’re not bad yourself as well. Though… the suit really seems just not your style.”
“Aw, well, there’s nothing I can do about that” I smile. “I’m now one of those office guys I was so afraid to become.”
“And how is it to be one of them for real?”
I shrug, thinking about it for a minute.
“Not too bad, just boring most of the time. I wish I could find a more interesting job, but you know… to quit this one for nothing would be a very drastic move when I don’t know if and when I would get a new one.”
“You always lacked courage!”
“Don’t make me sound like a total loser!” I laugh and Kyo smiles sheepishly.
“You should do something to change this. Will you really be working in a job you don’t really like for the rest of your life?”
“I hope not.”
I don’t even notice how we start talking and how easy it is all of a sudden. It’s as if we haven’t ever been separated. It’s as if we always were together. One moment I look down to find plates with food in front of me and I’m surprised given that I never noticed the waitress bringing them. I get so sucked in my little world where only me and Kyo exist that everything else suddenly disappears.
And when I suggest going to my place for a few drinks without thinking, he agrees.
And for a moment I get my hopes high.
***
While driving after him to his flat I start having second thoughts, but I shake them off. I just want to spend some more time with him instead of being alone at home. Kaoru will be working perhaps even till early morning – the awful nights and days of recording – and I will basically be abandoned for a week or so now. So why not spend my time with Ru-chan? Especially that it really feels so great to finally see him.
At first I wasn’t sure it was him, so I followed him in the mall for some time, trying to see his face without being spotted myself, but in wane. And when I followed him out and saw that he was going to get into a car and drive away, I just knew I had to make sure it wasn’t him. So I called him by his name and he turned to me. And I was thrilled to see it really was my Ru-chan.
The beginning, as I had expected, was awkward, but we soon were talking like we were never separated for so long. And it felt really good.
He rents a flat and only when we finally get in, a question rises in my head.
“You live alone?”
He nods, seeming to be ashamed for some reason. We take off our shoes and coats and head to the living room.
“I have beer. Is that ok?”
“Yeah, of course.”
One can of beer won’t get me in trouble with police if by chance they would stop me. I hope.
He leaves the room to get the beer and I look around. The room is quite simple and modest. I walk over to the furniture modules and look at some framed pictures put on display. What I not expect is to see a picture of me and him, standing right in front and middle of all the pictures. I remember the day we took it. We went to the beach that day. The weather was great, not windy at all. We sat looking at the sea, our shoulders touching. I remember Ru-chan took the camera out of the bag and balanced it in one of his hands, hugging me with his other one, and tried to take a picture.
It turned out a great one from the first try-out. We sat our backs half turned to the sea, so in the background it was still seen. Ru-chan was hugging me with his one hand over my shoulders, my head resting on his shoulder. I looked in this picture exactly as I felt – calm, happy and completely content with everything. And Ru-chan looked so proud. Sun lit our faces and we looked so young, so carefree, as if we didn’t have a single problem in our lives.
I hear him clear his throat so near me that it startles me from unexpectedness of it.
I turn to look at him feeling caught. But as I turn, I see him even more embarrassed than I am.
“I liked that day so much” he says as if trying to justify himself.
I just smile at him and go back to the table and sit down on sofa. He puts two bottles of beer on the table and I take mine.
Suddenly I feel a bit awkward. The picture put on display in such a place cannot be an accident. And by the look on his face I know he knows what I am thinking now.
“What about you, Kyo? Where do you live now?”
“In my house, of course.”
He shifts in his seat uncomfortably, as if he had to swallow a bitter pill, but didn’t want to do that.
“So you moved out from Niikura’s place then already?”
I nod, feeling a bit surprised he would know that. As if guessing my thoughts he clarifies.
“You know, women gossip a lot and my mom’s cousin is you parents’ neighbor, so…”
Ahh, yeah. I knew that, I just forgot. Of course I was an interesting topic for everyone who knew me. But it’s not what bothers me. Somehow, seeing the picture of me and him in his flat, put in such a respectable place, just makes it harder for me to break the news to him.
“We both moved out from his place to my house.”
Ru-chan raises his eyebrows in question.
“We still live together.”
I can see that this piece of news is not pleasant for him, but he tries so hard to hide his true emotions and I get a bit worried.
“You know, Kyo, I always regret only one thing the most in my life. I shouldn’t have let you go so easily. I shouldn’t have ever let you go without a fight.”
He looks me in the eyes and I know he means it. And somehow it becomes even harder for me to sit here and look at him.
I put the beer aside and sigh. Only because we’re alone here, without any witnesses, and only because I know Ru-chan would never use anything I tell him against me. I brace myself to look him in the eyes and be completely sincere with him.
“It’s a pity that you did, though. Because I shouldn’t have left you. It was a mistake I made out of my own stupidity.”
Ru-chan’s eyes widen in surprise. I guess it is not even close to what he had expected to hear.
“Do you mean it, Kyo?”
I nod. Because I really do. We both were in love then and I dumped him just because I chickened out. Even now I don’t really understand what I was thinking. Why did I ever let such a wonderful relationship go down the drain?
Ru-chan shifts closer to me and the next moment I feel his hand on mine. Still, his touch is somewhat careful and hesitant as if he was afraid I would get angry at him for such proximity.
But it isn’t a touch of affection, of seduction or just pure tenderness. It is a sad touch, a touch to remind ourselves of what we had, of how it felt to touch each other, to feel each other’s body heat and skin. It was a touch of friendly nostalgia, but nothing else.
“Kyo… I never forgot you. I never loved anyone as much as I loved you – not before you, not after you.”
“Please, Ru-chan, don’t do this…”
He lowers his head for a moment and his hand stills on mine. Then he inhales deeply and raises his eyes again.
“So you’re with him now?”
I nod. Then his hand disappears from mine and Ru-chan leans back a bit, to observe me from a farther distance.
We both know that it has been too much time for us to even consider reviving what we had. It is too late and we both did our best to stop loving each other. And it is not going to happen. I am with Kaoru now. My Kaoru. And Ru-chan hasn’t been in my life for so many years. We were young and we were in love so long ago, and now we’re not the same anymore. And perhaps even if we tried, we couldn’t revive the dead love.
“I’m sorry, Ru-chan.”
He shakes his head slowly and blinks. Perhaps trying to will the tears away, but I cannot be sure.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Kyo-kun. So you don’t have to be sorry. I’m happy you still care enough to want to talk to me, to see me. And I’m happy to see that you’re fine. I really am.”
“Kaoru, I will always want to know all about you. I wish you all the best in your life. I mean it.”
He smiles and the heavy feeling among us disappears.
“You left only good memories for me, Ru-chan. And there will always be a part of my heart that belongs only to you. Sometimes I remember you out of the blue and stop whatever I was doing and just wonder if you are all right, what are you up to, if you are happy. I want you to know that you are an important person to me.”
For a moment his expression changes and he looks astounded, but then he lunges forward, circles his hands over my neck and kisses me.
I can only sit stunned, unmoving and let myself be kissed. I come back to myself very quickly though and respond to his kiss carefully. I feel his hands over my neck get a stronger hold on me, his body suddenly presses to mine. I carefully put my hands on his waist and grip his white shirt in my fist. I desperately grip on his shirt and kiss back.
The kiss is not passionate, hot, or anything alike. The kiss is very tender, wary and a bit awkward. I cannot feel exited. I don’t feel what I feel while I kiss my Kaoru. Kissing Ru-chan only makes me sad. It’s nothing like it used to be – passionate, mad, desperate, hot and arousing. And it’s nothing like kissing my Kaoru – affectionate, devoted, tender and loving, without any desperate need and lust in it. It is a nostalgic kiss. I wanted it to remind me of what we used to have, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t remind me of any of that. It just makes me sad because I realized it could never be the same anymore, and it could never be the same or better than what I have with Kaoru now.
It just feels nostalgic. I loved him and he loved me. We were young and full of hopes about our future. We had so many plans for our future. And I made it all end.
I pull back suddenly, not wanting this to continue.
Ru-chan looks bewildered and a little ashamed. But I can see the same understanding in his eyes as well. I know he also felt the same as I did. I know he also understands that you can’t bring back the past. The past is what we have now as memories of our relationship. And only the closeness and the friendship can now remain between us.
But not love.
“I’m sorry, Kyo, I shouldn’t have…”
“It’s ok. It’s no big deal. I’m certainly not angry.”
Reassured he looks at me and smiles. And the look on his face makes my heart ache.
Whatever he tells me, I can still see some love for me in his eyes. I know he still wants to try to bring back the past. And it makes me feel guilty.
I suddenly lean forward and embrace him. He circles his hands over my torso now and buries himself in my arms.
“I love him now, Ru-chan. I’m sorry. But Kaoru has done so much for me like no living being on earth. He saved me in all ways possible and I came to love him.”
“I know” I hear his voice and it sounds strained to my ears. “I’m not asking you for anything, Kyo. I just… “
“I understand.”
We sit like this for some time and it feels good to be close like this. I know I’ve been overly emotional since I met him today, I know that maybe I should stop calling him Ru-chan since he is too old being called like that, and I know I should put all sentiments aside, alcohol or no alcohol. But with Ru-chan it’s impossible. He is one of a kind – a wonderful kind-hearted person. And I hate hurting him. Unintentionally as it is.
And after all that happened to me, when I lost almost all my friends and my family, I came to value those few important people in my life that I still have. And Ru-chan is certainly one of them.
“Your Kaoru sounds to be such a nice person” he mumbles against my chest, trying very hard to sound neutral. And he almost succeeds. Almost.
“He is. He really is very kind. He’s very devoted and loyal, patient and forgiving. If somebody treated me like I treated him at times, I would have kicked out that person right away. But he patiently endured all my mood swings, insults and accusations, and never even reminded me of them.”
“Sounds like he’s really great.”
“Mhh… he is.”
Ru-chan carefully entangles himself from my arms and smiles slightly. We sit close to each other, our legs still touching, my hands brushing over his arms from time to time. Gradually we start talking about other things. He tells me about his job, his holidays, what happened to him during these years. We carefully avoid the subject of his love life, because from what he told me I suspect it wasn’t anything important and worth even mentioning.
I tell him some of my life with Kaoru now. Basically about Kaoru’s job and our few future plans. He doesn’t ask what are my plans concerning finding a job and I avoid this topic as well. I still don’t know and I just can’t make myself think about it yet. He gets upset at hearing about the situation with my parents, but I assure him that it’s OK as it is. They will have to deal with it, because I am not going to leave Kaoru.
By the time I accidentally look at the clock it shows 1:23AM.
“I should be going already! You have to go to work tomorrow! I won’t have to get up early at all, but you do!”
He looks as if he wants to disagree, but just sighs finally.
“I would love to make you stay here forever, but you’re right. I have to get up early. I hate my lousy job.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll find yourself something better. I’m sure you will.”
“Thanks, Kyo” he smiles and beams at me. “It was great seeing you. You don’t even know how much it means for me that you still care about me and wanted to see me.”
“It means a lot to me too. I always want to have you in my life.”
“For real?”
“For real.”
We go to the hall and I put back on my shoes and coat.
“Do you have a business card that you could give me? I don’t have your phone or e-mail.”
“Yes, of course!”
He practically runs back to the living-room and comes back carrying a little card in his hands. Then he turns it over and writes down a phone number on the other blank side.
“There’s my job’s address and phone number, and here I wrote down for you my cell number.”
“Thanks.”
When I finally open the doors to leave and stand half way out of the flat, I turn to look at him yet again and can’t help but smile. It was such a coincidence that I saw him. But it was great. Now Ru-chan is back in my life and it feels wonderful to know he’s fine.
“It was great seeing you” I say, wanting to make sure he really knew that. “I will send you my e-mail and cell number tomorrow. I hope we will meet again for a drink some time soon.”
“Definitely” he nods, looking so happy that for a split second I think if it really was a good idea.
But then I shake the feeling off. Ru-chan knows I love Kaoru. It’s been too long to even try reviving old dead feelings. But it will be great to have him back in my life, because he is dear to me. For some reason such a wonderful person thinks highly of me and still loves me as a friend. And I am happy and thankful for that. Friends can be tested with time, and after so many years I know who the real ones are.
“Goodnight, Kaoru.”
“Goodnight, Kyo. Drive safely.”
The whole way home I think about him. I went out to do the shopping, but it was forgotten the moment I thought I saw him. He moved and as I didn’t have any of his contacts, I either had to try looking for him through our mutual acquaintances with whom I didn’t keep in contact anymore or just forget this idea altogether. So it almost felt as if it was fate that brought us back together.
Seeing him made me breathe easier. It was like a thing you have to do to feel you’ve got no debts in your life anymore and can die peacefully. He is doing fine and I am happy for that.
My attention gradually gets back on the road and I focus on the streets and people. There aren’t that many of them as it is so late now.
When I reach home, I feel already sleepy. But ---
Right at the gate of the fence of my house stands a man and watches a few cars passing by my house. A man hiding his face under a cap. A man standing near my house in the middle of the night.
I step on the brake pedal and my car stops to a halt. Thankfully there is no car behind me as it would have hit the back of my one for sure. The seatbelt stops me from hitting the front window and when I lean back again, my hands gripping the wheel so tightly that my knuckles turn white, I see the man turn slowly to my direction and stare at me.
Though in the shadows of the night I cannot see his face, I know he is looking at me. His whole frame stiffens as if from anticipation. From excitement.
The only thing I can think of is if it is him or not.
Is it him or not?!
IS IT?!
My hands almost spasm as I grip the wheel so fucking tight I would brake it if I had enough strength.
What do I do? What the fuck do I do?!
Is it him or not? If it’s him, how did he find me? If it’s him, what do I do? If it’s him…
I should get out of the car and beat him up so bad he’d never get up.
But… if he’d managed to hold me captive and powerless for so many months… how the fuck should I know I can keep him away from me now? What if he has a knife? A gun even? A syringe of some of his damned drugs? Or whatever else he could use against me.
And I just… I am scared shitless of him… He is the only fucking thing in the world I want to forget, want to pretend never happened in my life, want to pretend doesn’t exist.
“Calm down, just… calm down.”
I take a deep breath and try to make my hands stop trembling.
“You don’t know if it’s him. Maybe it’s just some guy waiting for something or somebody. Some thief, or joy rider, or whoever else. I am just being paranoid. And it is not the first time.”
I inhale again and start driving.
I don’t like the fact that the man is still starring at me, or that I can’t see his face at all. He looks awfully familiar – his height, the way he stands, shifting all his weight on his right leg, his long legs and well-built frame. But I cannot be sure. And perhaps I just want to see him in every stranger I meet.
“No need to panic” I repeat to myself and start driving.
When I turn to my yard, his face never gets lightened by the street lamp and I just don’t get to see his face. Then I just turn away from him. I quickly stop the car and get out, lock it and practically run to the door.
“Where are the fucking keys?”
Shit shit shit!
I finally fish them out of my pocket and unlock the door, get inside and slam the door shut, then lock it immediately and lean on the door for a moment.
“Fucking coward.”
That’s what I am.
A fucking coward.
But I don’t care. I can be the most cowardly man in the world as long as I don’t see that psycho ever again. If I would be forced to go back there… I would bite my tongue off and bleed to death, or take out the light bulb from the ceiling of my prison, smash it on the floor and eat the glass. Or do whatever else I could think of to escape the torture that I couldn’t cope with the first time.
He got off by watching me writhe and convulse from impossible pain on the floor from something he injected me. Over and over again. It was one of his favorite ways to get off. One of the ways I was sure to endure at least twice a week. No wonder my mind finally just snapped…
“God… I wish I would never remember any of that again…”
Before my thoughts go further, I force myself to kick off my shoes and go to the living room. My house sunken in the shadows doesn’t look cozy and safe.
“Shit!”
I run to the window in the living-room – I left it fucking open!
I shut the window and look out to the street. I can see the man’s head hovering over my fence. But I can’t detect if he is looking at me, or if he is just standing there like before, looking at the street.
“Shit!”
I check all the windows here, and then run to the kitchen, to the hall. I check all the possible ways to get in the house on the first floor. Then practically run up the stairs and do the same on the second floor. I don’t care if I will seem to be paranoid. At least I will be safe.
When all is done, I sit on my and Kaoru’s bed and put my head in my hands. It is surprisingly silent. And dark. I haven’t switched on any lights. It is not pitch black as the lights from the street illuminate the bedroom in a kind of ghostly light.
“Shit, this is so stupid…”
I know it is. I know I just freaked out for nothing. I know I should have just come up to the man and made sure that it’s not him and then sleep peacefully. Not get in the house like a fucking sissy and lock all the doors and windows.
I sigh and stand up. All that is left is just to draw the curtains and get in bed. And try to sleep.
A strange sound makes me stop. The creak of the gate. Of the gate in front of my house.
I freeze to the spot and tense up, listening.
No other sound.
But I am sure I heard the gate creak.
I grab my cell and run to the bathroom, turn on the light and lock the door from the inside.
I sink to the floor, my back leaning on the wall, my eyes on the knob of the door, my cell in a tight grip in my hand.
If I called the police, what would I tell them? Nobody is breaking in. They wouldn’t come.
Can I call Kaoru?
He’d only freak out and there’s a high chance there is no real threat. There’s a high chance it’s only me freaking out totally for nothing.
“Shit…”
Maybe Kaoru will come back soon? Recordings usually last to the middle of the night or until an early morning. And then he’d be back and we both could go to sleep.
I hate myself for being so fucking weak, but… there is nothing else I am so afraid of in my life as that man. Perhaps only the thought of loosing Kaoru is scarier than meeting that fuck. Or maybe I’m equally scared of that man and of loosing Kaoru.
And I hate myself for this weakness. I hate myself so much…
But I am not going out of here unless I am completely sure I am just being paranoid and he is not here.
“He is not here – not here – not here ---“
TBC
This time I’m definitely happy the way the chapter turned out to be :) Finally I myself like what was written >_< lol I loved writing about Ru-chan ^^ It was something I was looking forward to when I was still writing Blurry Days :P And finally the time and place was perfect for this episode to occur ^^
Comments are very much appreciated! :)))
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White Nights