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Catch Me When I Fall	By : Tcharlatan Category: > Die/Kyo Views: 959 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. I do not personally know any of the members of Dir en grey, and do not profit from this work.

Chapter List
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I’m panting by the time I reach my destination, having all-but run the entire way here and then taken the stairs two at a time up to the fourth floor. I lift a hand to knock on the door in front of me, but… fuck, I’m tired. I slump against the doorframe and take a minute to just breathe. My legs are shaking so bad. I don’t know if it’s from all the running or the sex followed by masturbation or the fact that I’m kind of having a meltdown, but I’m right on the verge of collapse. I hate this. Hate what something that should have been so insignificant has done to me, hate being so confused, hate feeling like I’ve lost my grip on my own life.
[Standing out here wheezing isn’t going to fix anything.]
Taking a deep breath and swallowing, I bang my fist against the door three times. The hall around me is eerily silent, so even through the door, under the quiet buzz of some television program, I can hear the soft clatter of a bottle being set down amongst its brothers, followed by the unhurried shuffle of footsteps. There’s a brief pause, during which I know I’m being seen through the peephole, then the door opens.
“Kyo? It’s like two in the morning, what’s up?”
Is it really? Whoops. I duck my head a bit, “Sorry Kao, I… I couldn’t sleep.”
Not like I tried, but the words have become kind of a code between us over the years. There are two people I routinely run to when something is bothering me too much to deal with on my own. Shinya is great for when I just need to vent and have someone listen attentively, maybe sympathize a little, but he doesn’t really offer much in the way of feedback or advice. Kaoru will listen and then, when necessary, pry my head out of my ass to set me back on course. And I really need to get my bearings back right now.
The fact that he’s gay is kind of a bonus tonight.
He steps aside to let me in. “How long has it been bugging you?”
I hang up my jacket, then kick off my shoes and dig the slippers that he keeps just for me out of the shoe rack. “Couple weeks.”
“Mm. Sit, I’ll get you a drink.”
Gods, I love that man. Sinking into the couch as he disappears into the kitchen, I find that I already feel a little bit better. Kaoru will know what to do. He always does. He comes back a couple minutes later and presses a short glass into my hands, mutes his television, lights a cigarette for each of us, then settles onto the other end of the couch facing me, legs draped over my lap. It’s a damn comforting routine, and a couple sips of the vodka tonic he made me do a lot to settle my nerves. Another concession purely for my sake; he only drinks beer at home, but he knows that if whatever I’m holding onto is particularly upsetting, I’ll need some help getting it out, and my stomach really can’t handle beer.
“So, what happened a couple weeks ago?” he asks.
“Well…” Eh… how do I put this, without implicating Die? I can’t even fully identify exactly what part of this situation is bothering me, now that I think about it. I stall, taking a drag at my cigarette while I try to sort my thoughts. Smoke curls out of my mouth when I speak again. “A good friend of mine got incredibly drunk and… kissed me… And I really don’t know what to do about it.”
He raises an eyebrow. “…Just kissed you? That’s not all that unusual, I’d think. Hell, I’ve done it a couple of times.”
“You always miss.”
[And he doesn’t make you feel the way Die did.]
[What do you suppose that means?]
“The point still stands. I’d think by now you’d be used to people doing stupid shit when they’re drunk, so how is this one different? Did they… they didn’t attack you, did they? Molest you or something?”
I frown and shake my head. “No, no, nothing like that, just a kiss. It wasn’t a sloppy, drunk kiss though, it was very… careful. And before it, my friend just looked so… so sad… like they needed it so badly, like they were hurting…” My chest aches at the memory of it, and I rub it absently with one hand. It’s a strange feeling – bittersweet – and I’m not sure what it represents. If it hurt just a little more, I’d be tempted to dig it out of myself, but as it is, I find I almost savor it, somehow. “I’ve known them for years, and I’ve never seen them look like that before… they’ve never tried to kiss me, either.”
He takes a long, slow pull at his cigarette, watching me thoughtfully, then exhales. “Has your friend said anything to you about it?”
“No. I don’t think they even remember it happened.” I fidget with the glass and take another sip. “But I’ve been watching them a lot lately and sometimes I get the feeling that they might… maybe be attracted to me? I guess I’m thinking that they’re very lonely, and I’m wondering if I should… do something about it?”
“Do ‘something’ like…?”
This is kind of embarrassing. I shrug a little and look away from him. “Like… sleep with them…? I don’t know…”
“So you’re worried about choosing between your friend and your girlfriend?”
I wince. Shit, I’d almost forgotten about her. “No, she… we broke up earlier tonight.” I press my free hand over my face, mortified. “I was… I was thinking about my friend while we were having sex and she… well, she could tell. She accused me of cheating and we had a huge fight, then she left. I don’t think she’s coming back.”
[It’s for the best.]
Kaoru’s hand paused halfway to carrying his beer bottle to his mouth, looking a little shocked. “…You were fantasizing about your friend during sex?”
“Not fantasizing!” I snap defensively, then mutter, “Just… wondering, you know? What it would be like with them… If it would be different than it was with her… If I would like it. I didn’t call out anybody else’s name or anything.”
“Ah. Alright, she’s not the conflict here, so you’re freaking out because…?”
“I… I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend even after she left…” The next part needs to be said, but I’m still kind of feeling guilty about it. My shoulders hunch up a bit as I take another drink and mumble, “I fantasized then… in the shower. I… I jacked off thinking about them, and I just… it’s weird, thinking about them that way and actually getting off on it!”
His eyes narrow a bit and he leans closer to me. “Kyo… is there a reason you’re not using specific pronouns for your ‘friend’?”
…Shit. I cringe a little and nod slowly.
“…Is it because your friend is a man?”
I close my eyes and nod again. But… he has to know, doesn’t he? He can’t help if he doesn’t know the whole story. I’m pretty sure a huge part of my issue is coming from Die’s gender, and it’s not like he’s going to judge me. I’m just so fucking confused, the frustration and uncertainty is starting to make me sick to my stomach. I down the rest of my vodka tonic and shudder as the alcohol burns a path through me.
“I don’t know what to do. All he did was kiss me and he doesn’t even remember it, but it’s all I can think about. I lost my girlfriend over him, I jacked off thinking about him, and I don’t even know for sure whether or not he’s attracted to me! And even if he is, I don’t know what to do about it! I don’t… I’ve never… I’m not… gay… you know? At least… I wasn’t…”
He frowns a little, as if something just occurred to him. “Uh… it isn’t me, is it?”
I roll my eyes. “No. Like I said, you always miss.”
“Oh, good. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be flattered and all, but you seem like you’re probably kind of a biter, and I’m not really into that.”
Asshole. But what else are older brothers good for?
“Alright, well… are you attracted to this guy?”
I want to say no, but I think that’s a knee-jerk reaction. When it comes right down to it, I just masturbated thinking about Die, and it’s like a switch has been thrown in my head. Even now, exhausted and wound so tight I’m liable to snap any minute, thinking about him makes me quiver just a little bit. Of this much, I can at least be fairly sure.
“…Yeah. Yeah, I am.”
It does get me wondering, though, if the switch that’s kicked over is for men in general, or just for Die. I look Kao over from the corner of my eye, contemplating. He’s shirtless – something shockingly few people have had the privilege of seeing, considering what we do for a living – and stretched out in what could easily be seen as a provocative sort of drape across the couch. Intellectually, I can acknowledge that he’s an attractive man. He’s in great shape, his tattoos do more to accentuate his looks than to distract from them, he has that beautifully long neck, and his face has an almost sensually predatory look to it when he’s being serious. But, looking at him, I feel nothing beyond a nebulous kind of camaraderie.
[It’s just Die.]
“And I’ve never known you to suffer the company of douche bags, so he’s probably a decent person as well?”
Gods, is he ever. Die is just about the sweetest person I know. He’s just so damn sincere, completely committed to everything he does, and unwaveringly devoted to those who are close to him. I admire him in a lot of ways, and I cherish him in others. I feel like I’ve always kind of gravitated to Die, everything about him is just so comfortable for me, so warm. He’s like a song from the first CD you ever bought, or the blanket you brought with you when you first moved out of your parents’ house. Familiar, laden with so many memories of so many good times and bad, omnipresent and maybe a little taken for granted because of it. Makes you feel safe, like anywhere can be home, if you just have that one treasure with you. I nod.
“The best.”
“If your friend was female, would you sleep with them?”
Well… I don’t know. Would all of this have happened the same way if Die were a woman? On the one hand, I wouldn’t have been wondering about whether or not the sex would have been different while I was with my girlfriend, so we probably wouldn’t have gotten in that fight and broken up. In which case, no, because although I am many unsavory things, I am not unfaithful. But if not for her, if it was just a matter of attraction, both physical and personal… if it was just a friend I was that close to, hurting for want of company, possibly my company… a friend from whom one damn kiss could so completely overturn my life…
“Yeah, I… I guess I would.”
“You trust this guy?”
[You don’t even have to think about this one, do you?]
“With my life.”
“Well then… if your only problem is that he’s male and it’s not completely turning you off of the whole thing, maybe it’d be worth it to test the waters a little? If he returns your attention, you’ll get to try something new, and if not, I’m sure he’ll let you down gently. But really, it sounds like there’s a fair chance he’s into you already.”
I bite my lip against a flare of anxiety and look at him. “But what if… what if we start fooling around and I freak out? I wouldn’t know what to do with another guy; I don’t even know if I’d enjoy sex with him at all! I don’t want to ruin our friendship for an experimental fling!”
“I’m sure it’s not all that different than sex with women. Foreplay’s a little different, but in the end, you put your dick in a hole, there’s some thrusting, and if you’re doing it right, good times are had by all.”
I grunt and try (failing miserably, I’m sure) not to blush. “But what if I-… what if he wants me to-… what if I have to be the woman?”
He looks caught between offense and amusement. “There are no women in gay sex, Kyo. That’s kind of the point.”
“You know what I mean! I just… I mean… I don’t understand how… that could possibly feel good. It seems like it has to, or else why would so many people do it? But I just can’t imagine… I don’t know if I could do it, even for him.”
“Hmm… I suppose that’s fair. Alright, wait here.” He swings his legs out of my lap and stands, disappearing down the hallway.
My head hurts now. I rest my elbows on my knees and put my face in my hands. Kaoru thinks I should try something with Die? My heart kind of shivers at the prospect. I’m not sure it it’s from nerves or anticipation or what; probably a vile cocktail of so many conflicting things. The pervert in me is kind of excited by the idea, I think, thrilled at the possibility of something new and forbidden. The pessimist in me is insisting that Die can’t possibly want me when he’s actually sober, and that if I do this, I’ll lose him forever… the optimist is whispering that he could like me, that we could be something so much more than we are, and would that be so terrible?
To be so close to such radiance… would it warm me through? Or burn me alive?
I wonder if Kaoru would give me the same advice if he knew exactly whose arms he’s pushing me into. He’s right though… I’m pretty sure that if I reach out to Die and it turns out I was wrong and he doesn’t actually want anything from me past friendship, he’ll let me down so gently. I don’t think he would ever hurt me on purpose.
[You know he wouldn’t.]
Nnh… there’s that ache again.
“Here.”
Kaoru’s voice calls me to lift my head, and I find him holding out a small bag. I accept it and look inside. When my frazzled mind finally registers what I’m looking at, I blanch and stare up at him. “What the hell is this?”
“Call it a bi-curious starter kit. Dildo, lube, condoms, and a couple of decently realistic pornos with good foreplay and preparation scenes.”
“…Are you kidding me?! I don’t want your fucking dildo, Kaoru!”
“It’s new! No one’s ever used it, you have my word.”
“You just have unused sex toys laying around your apartment?!”
“Tons.”
“Why?!”
He grins wickedly. “For when my vocalist comes over professing his new, secret craving for cocks, of course. Plus that one is too small for me.” He flops back onto the couch and picks up his beer again. “It’s not a joke, Kyo. Practice on yourself, figure out what you like, see if this is what you really want. At least that way, if you decide to go for this guy, you’ll have some idea what you’re asking for.”
Ugh. Just, fucking… ugh! I hate that that makes sense. This whole situation just became so damn ridiculous I can’t even be mad at him for that comment about craving cocks. I stare into the bag helplessly and wonder how the hell I got to a point in my life where I go to my friends for advice and wind up with a bag of sex toys and porn. We’re just going to go ahead and ignore that weird, squirmy little feeling in my lower belly whenever I look at the bright purple rubber dick Kaoru’s given me.
[Curiosity just fucking kills you, doesn’t it?]
“…Kaoru?”
Holy shit, was that my voice? It sounds so… lost. And I don’t really remember telling my mouth to start moving again.
“Yeah?”
I look over at him, searching. “You… you really think I should do this?”
He cocks his head a bit, watching me with a curious smile. “Yeah, I do. I think anything that can have such a strong effect on you is worth exploring, even if seems a little weird at first. The worst that can happen is that you learn something about yourself. Don’t get me wrong, now, I don’t think you should jump straight into bed with this guy if you’re having reservations, but don’t let his gender be all that shapes your decision.”
“Aa…”
“And I don’t want you fucking anybody just because you’re worried they’re lonely. Only if it’s what you want too,” he scolds me, gently. “You’re too soft-hearted to let yourself be used like that, and I’d hate to see you get hurt again.”
I growl at him halfheartedly. He’s right, as usual, and I hate it. I might very well be setting myself up to be used. And if Die does hurt me – if I botch this so badly that he can’t even be bothered to be kind in shooting me down, or if I let myself get too attached and all he wants is a fling – he is in a unique position to damage me more deeply than anyone else could. I don’t know if I have it in me to sing another song like Zakuro.
[Don’t be stupid.]
“Oh, put your fangs away. Here, do you want another drink?”
“No.” I shake my head slowly. That first one was pretty strong. “I… I think I should go home. It’s late…”
A lot of times when I come to Kaoru looking for help, I wind up getting completely loaded, passing out, and spending the night, just because I can’t stand to be alone. Tonight, though, I think I need to be in my own home. I need to resolve myself to my lost relationship, and contemplate the possibility of a new one, and I can’t do either of those things if I’m as drunk as Kaoru will get me. He’s already asked the questions that lead me to a workable understanding of what’s bothering me, and given me a course of action to resolve this issue. I think I’ve settled down enough that I can find my way from where I am to wherever I’m going without too much further freaking out.
[He didn’t tell you anything you didn’t already know.]
“Are you sure? If you’re still bothered, I don’t mind staying up. You know I never really sleep anyways.”
“No.” I stand, letting the bag hang loosely from two of my fingers. “No, I think I have to sort through the rest of this by myself. Thanks, Kao, you… this helps a lot.”
He nods and stands as well, following me to the door to see me out. “Alright. You know I’m here if you need me again, right? You can call or come over; I don’t care how late it is.”
I smile at him, because I know he really means that, and goddamn is that a rare trait to find in a person. “Thank you, Kaoru.”
Huddled into my jacket, with what feels like Pandora’s Box dangling from my left wrist, I head back out into the winter cold. Something like resolve settles deep in my stomach now that I have a halfway passable plan of action. I don’t care what it takes, I will get this situation figured out, and I will not lose my friend in the process. Die may have been absolutely shit-faced when he started this mess, may have completely forgotten about it, but I will be damned if I don’t see it through to the finish.
[You can do this. You have to.]
…Jesus Christ, why does the dildo have to be purple? Fucking Kaoru…
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Catch Me When I Fall