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A Sense of Betrayal	By : white-tiger Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Rasmus Views: 926 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Rasmus. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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3. Words of Betrayal
I wake up with a smile on my face remembering the events of last night. For the first time since I went blind I actually feel happy, truly happy. I listen for him sleeping next to me but I can't hear him breathing. I wonder how late I've slept today. It takes a minute before I realise that something's different, it's too quiet and I can't smell the coffee. Maybe it's still night time. I can't hear anything outside either, no cars or birds. Maybe he woke up to use the toilet. I close my eyes and listen carefully. I know it's stupid that even with my eyes open I can't see anything but closing them helps me to focus somehow.
I can hear him talking quietly. I guess he's in the living room. I wonder for a moment who he's talking to but then realise I can only hear him so he must be talking on the phone. Either that or he's sleepwalking and sleep-talking. I wonder who he's talking to, surely it must be late.
“He was asking about that night again,” I hear him say quietly.
He's whispering obviously thinking I'm asleep or that I couldn't hear him even if I was awake. I haven't told him how super sensitive my hearing is, that I can hear him when he's in the toilet or having what he thinks is a secret wank in the shower. It was mainly so that I didn't embarrass him but also because I thought he might stop wanking in the shower and I have to admit that hearing him makes me so hard.
“Of course I didn't say anything,” he whispers indignantly, “I'm not stupid.”
I listen interestedly now. Who is he talking to?
“He didn't exactly take it well the first time,” he sighs, “did he?”
He knows what I was running from!
“No,” he sighs, “he wouldn't let up this time though. Pauli told him that he was running away from the hotel so he thinks something happened.”
I wish I could hear the other side of the conversation.
“I distracted him,” he says in a small voice.
It goes silent again as I hear him sigh.
“I slept with him,” he whispers.
I can hear something very faintly, whoever he's talking to isn't happy with that piece of news.
“What else was I supposed to do?” he protests, “I was protecting you.”
He sighs again.
“I know I said that,” he whispers, “and I meant it.”
I bite my lip wondering how much he's really hiding from me.
“It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be,” he says.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. He thought being with me would be bad.
“No I didn't kiss him,” he whispers, “it was just a fuck.”
Well there goes my happiness.
“Honestly,” he protests, “I didn't even look at him when I was doing it.”
I bite my lip again feeling my eyes begin to tear up.
“No,” he protests again, “no, I only did it for you, what else was I supposed to do?”
He sighs angrily.
“And how would you know?” he says slightly louder, “I'm the one here with him 24 hours a day, watching him struggle, taking all the abuse when he's angry, listening to him when he's crying, you haven't even been to see him.”
He's talking to Eero!
“Of course I feel guilty,” he spits, “don't you?”
He sighs deeply.
“I know,” he says, “you're going to have to explain your absence one day. You can't hide forever.”
I listen carefully trying to fight my emotions, I need to stay in control.
“Maybe you should come to see him,” he suggests, “you can't be sure it'll make him remember.”
He pauses.
“He wouldn't do that,” he says.
What wouldn't I do?
“What are we supposed to do, leave him blind forever?” he asks, “maybe it's you not coming to visit him that's stopping him seeing again.”
He sighs.
“I don't know what to think any more,” he says quietly.
I can feel my heart beating fast, there's so many questions going through my mind. And then all of a sudden I can remember. It's like someone clicked a switch in my mind and it all comes flooding back.
I was walking back to the hotel thinking about Aki. He'd seemed to be ill so much this tour, never coming out for a drink except rarely, always going back early to sleep or because he felt ill. I wondered if there was something going on in his life, something that was pulling him down somehow. I was planning to do something special for him to make him feel better, something to relax him.
As I got closer to the room I thought about talking to him the next day to see if he'd tell me if there was something wrong. I remember opening the door quietly so that I didn't wake him, he needed his sleep. I slipped inside and quietly closed the door again turning round to see something I never expected to see. Him and Eero both naked. He was half bent over his bed, one hand resting on it holding himself up as he used his other one to stroke himself, and one leg bent up with his foot resting on it as well. Eero was behind him with one arm wrapped tightly around his waist with his other one holding Aki's leg up. The sounds of them fucking echoing through my head, their quiet moans, Eero's balls slapping against Aki's with the squelch of each thrust. I stood there staring at them in shock unable to say a word. It must of only been for 30 seconds I was watching but it felt like an hour as they were both completely oblivious to my presence. It was only when Aki turned his head leaning to kiss Eero over his shoulder that he saw me. I think the shock on his face matched mine. They quickly scrambled apart as Eero saw me too, the look on his face of guilt and shock and for a second I thought I saw a hint of smugness and anger at being disturbed. I still couldn't even move when they both turned to face me, both of them hard, Eero's dick shining with lube and Aki's with pre cum. It only took Aki saying my name to break me out of my trance, that's when I turned and ran. I wanted to get as far away from them as possible but the images of them running through my mind like a broken movie. I wished I could unsee them, forget them as I ran. I remember hearing distant shouting before seeing a bright light and then nothing, nothing but darkness.
The shock runs through me like a cold chill through my veins. At least now my questions are answered, why Eero hasn't been to see me, why Aki didn't tell me. Christ he even fucked me to keep his secret hidden, to protect Eero. Not caring about how much he hurt me.
“I'll talk to you again soon,” he whispers before pausing, “maybe tomorrow.”
Hearing his voice makes me shudder now but not in the way it used to. I feel dirty and used. I know I need to confront him but I’m scared. Scared of losing him for good. Whatever's happened there's still a small part of me that loves him. And I know I couldn't cope without him, at least not while I’m blind. I’m torn about what to do, I need to think but my mind is racing too fast.
“Bye,” he whispers.
I hear him sigh before silence falls again. It's only when I reach up that I realise I've been crying. I wipe my eyes quickly, I don't want him to see and I don't know what the time is so it could be dark still or it could be light, either way I don't want to take the chance. I roll onto my side and pull the blanket up covering my face slightly. I hear him stand up and walk quietly back towards me. I lay still and pretend to be asleep as he sneaks back into the bedroom. There's a small clunk as he puts his phone back down and I can feel the bed dip as he climbs back into it. I can almost feel him staring at me, hearing him sigh again before he lays back down, his back facing me. It feels weird sleeping next to him now, being so close him but I need to think about what to do now. I need to think about me.
When I wake up again I can tell instantly that it's morning. I don't want to open my eyes yet, I just want to pretend it isn't really happening, that everything's been a bad dream and I’m still sleeping. I can hear Aki eating his breakfast and the rustle of the paper as he reads it. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't pretend that everything's still the same. Can I? Was he really pretending last night? Does he really not care for me? I hate not being able to see, I could always read him so easily, it's easier to hide in words.
I sigh deeply as I open my eyes gasping quickly as the light blinds them. My heart races. Oh my god I can see again? I cover my eyes with my hand and slowly open them again. I lift my hand slightly and it's the same, a small amount of light shines through. It actually hurts, it's so strong. I wait until they adjust slightly and realise it's just light I can see and the darkness of where my hand is. I guess I know now what it was that was blocking my sight. The image of him and Eero fucking. Both of them betraying me, laughing at me behind my back. All the lies they must of told me, all the secrets they were keeping. I can't believe I was so stupid not to see it, not to notice. I guess it's time to play them back at their own game. If my sight is beginning to come back then I don't need him around any more but I need to know why, I need to look into his eyes when he tells me.
I close my eyes quickly and roll onto my side as I hear him walking back towards the bedroom. I pretend to be asleep at least that way I won't have to deal with him yet and I don't have to hide my sight returning. He quietly walks into the bedroom and over to the bed.
“Lauri,” he says as he gently shakes me.
I moan as I pretend to wake up, my eyes automatically flicking open. Luckily the light's not shining in them so it doesn't make me flinch. I can see his outline, a dark shape which makes my heart ache and then break.
“Sleepyhead,” he chuckles.
I smile at him sleepily.
“I thought you would have been awake by now,” he says gently.
“What's the time?” I ask.
“It's 11:30,” he says.
“Oh,” I say trying not to look at him, “you must of wore me out.”
“Wore you out?” he chuckles, “you weren't moving much.”
“You don't regret last night do you?” I ask.
Even though I know the truth now there's still a small part of me that doesn't believe it completely.
“No,” he says gently, “it was actually pretty amazing.”
“Good,” I smile though I don't know whether to believe him or not.
I reach out and feel around to find him.
“So are you getting back into bed?” I ask finding his hand.
“No,” he chuckles, “I only woke you up to tell you I need to go out.”
“Out?” I ask, “where?”
Is he going to see Eero?
“I need to get a few bits of shopping in,” he says, “and there's some errands I need to run.”
“Oh,” I say.
“I'm not sure how long I’m going to be,” he continues, “but there's some coffee in the pot and I've made you some sandwiches in case you get hungry and I’m not back. They're in the fridge on the second self.”
“OK,” I whisper.
“If you need me just ring,” he says, “I'll try not to be too late.”
I nod as I hear him getting ready to stand up again. I let go of his hand and reach out resting it on his chest. I can feel his heart beating, wondering if mine still is. I move my hand up slowly to his face, cupping it gently as I run my thumb over his cheek. He sighs deeply before resting his hand on mine, moving it before squeezing it. He surprises me by leaning forward and brushing his lips against mine. I gasp before kissing him back tenderly and deeply, never wanting it to end. He pulls back eventually, brushing his lips over mine again.
“Are you sure you don't want to get back in bed?” I whisper.
He sighs deeply again.
“I can't,” he says after a pause, “I really wish I could.”
I nod believing him. The pause telling more than his words.
“I'll see you later,” he says quietly.
I nod as he stands up, listening as he walks out the room. I hear him getting his jacket and shoes on before the front door closes.
I lay there for a while just thinking about things. I remember he told Eero on the phone last night that he didn't kiss me, wondering why he lied. I know that from seeing them together that one time that it wasn't the first time they'd been together but now I wonder just how long it had been going on and whether it is just a casual thing between them or something more. The fact he lied to him suggests it's something more but why lie? Why kiss me back? I knew he was trying to avoid it last night, I just thought it was because he wasn't sure but he when he kissed me this morning it wasn't because he couldn't avoid it. Maybe he doesn't hate me as much as I thought. I guess I’m not going to know for sure until I look into his eyes and see the truth. I sigh as I roll out of bed and pull some clothes on. I don't care if everything's inside out this morning. I wince as the light shines in my eyes again and feel around for my sunglasses. As soon as I put them on it feels better, my eyes don't hurt as much and I can see a bit better. I wonder how long it'll take for my sight to return completely or whether it even will. I do know that it will be hard to hide it from him though.
I look at the time as I pour another cup of coffee, it's 6:30 and he's still not home. I sigh to myself wondering where he is. I spent most of the day sitting around thinking about things, about what I’m going to say to him. My sight gradually improved as the day went on until it returned completely, it's weird being able to see again after so long, everything seems so much brighter and colourful. I still don't know how to handle him and jump as I hear the door open.
“Lauri,” he shouts instantly, “sorry I’m so late, are you OK?”
I put the milk back into the fridge as he rushes into the kitchen. I can see he's walking carefully with a slight limp.
“I'm so sorry,” he says when he sees me, “I really didn't mean to be so late.”
I try not to look at him directly, not wanting to give away just yet that I can see but it's hard not to.
“It's OK,” I say gently, “I've been fine.”
“You must be hungry though,” he says.
“A little,” I admit, “but I've been missing you more.”
I reach out feeling for him which is actually hard now I can see where he is and wrap my arms around him pulling him close. I told him tight feeling him hug me back as I bury my face into his neck. He smells clean like he's showered recently. I kiss his neck as I move my hand over his crotch rubbing it gently. He pulls away from my hand quickly and I can see something on his face that looks like a grimace.
“What's wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says with a sigh, “I'm just hungry as well.”
I nod as he stares at me, almost sadly moving forward to kiss me before changing his mind and looking away. I pull away from him and pick up my coffee, walking over to the table and sitting down. He turns around and pours himself a coffee and that's when I can see it, the proof that he's been with Eero. There's bite marks on the back of his neck. I wonder how many times he's been sitting next to me like that, how many times he's gone shopping and for a quick fuck with Eero.
“Are you sure it's not just because I’m not Eero?” I ask picking up my cup and taking a sip.
He spins round and looks at me, his eyes wide in shock.
“What?” he says obviously trying to keep his voice under control.
“The bite marks on your neck,” I say, “or are you fucking someone else as well?”
His hand automatically moves to cover them. It takes him a second before he realises I've seen them.
“You can see?” he asks.
I nod at him.
“Since when?” his voice a mixture of anger and shock.
“It started coming back this morning,” I say looking at him carefully, “after I overheard your conversation with Eero last night and remembered what happened that night.”
He sighs and looks down not knowing what to say.
“I guess at least we know what was blocking my sight,” I sigh.
“You're not going to tell his wife are you?” he asks quickly.
I raise my eyebrows at him, so that's what Eero was apparently worried about.
“Do you really think I would?” I ask slightly stunned, “do you not know me at all?”
He sighs and looks down.
“Did I tell Pauli's wife about the girl he slept with 3 weeks after their wedding?” I ask.
He shakes his head.
“Why are you so worried about me telling his wife anyway?” I ask, “do you think she's going to come after you?”
He looks up at me and shakes his head.
“And it's a bit late to be thinking about his wife,” I say, “you're fucking a married man. One with a family. Jesus Aki are you really that stupid?”
He picks up his cup and sits down at the table.
“I love him,” he says quietly.
“Really,” I scoff, “and you think he loves you?”
“He does,” he says quickly, “I know he does.”
“And he told you that?” I ask.
He nods.
“And do you think he's going to leave his wife and kids for you?” I ask.
He sighs and looks down with a shrug.
“Let me guess,” I sigh, “he says he loves you but he hardly ever touches you, never sucks you and always fucks you and makes you suck him.”
He looks at me quickly his mouth dropping open in shock.
“It's always a fuck as well,” I continue, “he never holds you or is gentle or affectionate with you, just fucks you from behind.”
“H...how did you know?” he stutters.
“Because you're not the first,” I say taking a sip of my coffee.
He looks at me even more shocked.
“Did I ever tell you how I became bi?” I ask.
His eyes widen as he shakes his head.
“When I was 17 I lost a bet,” I say looking at him, “and I had to kiss Janne our old drummer. It had to be a proper kiss as well with tongues for at least 30 seconds. Everyone found it funny when we did it but for me it was something different. I’d never kissed another guy before and I liked it.”
I take another sip of my coffee.
“As it turns out, so did he,” I continue, “it was only one kiss but it stirred my curiosity and his too. We decided to see how far it would take us before one of us freaked out. From there it went from curious to casual and after a while we both realised it was more, that we both had feelings for each other. That was when we decided to tell the others. They both took it well and seemed happy for us.”
I sigh, I never thought I’d be telling him this, it's been so long since I've even thought about it let alone spoke about it.
“It was a different back then,” I say quietly, “the band was doing well, I was happy and thought I had everything I wanted. I was a bit of an arsehole, a bit cocky and a bit selfish which was why when I walked in on Eero fucking Janne I forgave them both.”
His mouth drops open again.
“Apparently it had been going on for a while,” I sigh remembering that day, “it started not long after we told them about us. I blamed myself and thought I deserved it. They were both apologetic promising that they never meant to hurt me and they'd never do it again. Eero even begged me not to say anything as he was due to get married and I agreed. But it was too late for me and Janne, he felt tainted after that and I couldn't stay with him. Things were tense between us all for a long while and I still don't know if the band suffered because of it or if the band suffering was causing the tension.”
I take another sip of my coffee.
“Janne couldn't deal with it all though,” I continue, “having to face me and Eero all the time, seeing what he'd done and having to relive the guilt all the time. So he left.”
“That was why he left?” he asks in surprise.
I nod.
“We decided never to mention it to anyone,” I say, “it was something in the past which is why no-one ever told you. I was hurt for a long time until you joined the band.”
“I can't believe it,” he says looking down.
“It's true,” I say looking at him, “so how long have you 2 been sneaking around?”
“8 months,” he says quietly.
“So before I told you I was in love with you?” I ask.
He nods and looks down again.
“So you lied to me,” I sigh.
He looks at me hesitantly and nods.
“I didn't know what to say to you,” he blurts.
“You could of told me the truth,” I say, “I thought we were friends.”
He sighs and looks down again.
“I didn't want to hurt you,” he whispers.
“More like you wanted to protect him,” I spit.
He glances up at me and I see the truth in his eyes. I can't believe it was going on for so long and I didn't notice. Thinking back it makes sense, I’d caught Eero staring at me a few times when I was looking at Aki or when we were messing around. He must of seen how I felt about him and made his move.
“So I’m guessing last night really was the first time you'd fucked another man?” I ask.
He looks at me and nods again.
“I'm glad I could help you with that,” I say sarcastically, “even if it was just out of guilt or pity.”
He picks up his cup and drinks some of his coffee.
“So I’m curious,” I say looking at him, “how did it start? I’m guessing you really were straight before him.”
He nods with a sigh.
“I don't really know how it started,” he starts, “but on the tour before the last one when I got sick I’d gone to bed early. He knocked on the door and brought me some soup, he looked after me making sure I had enough to drink then he gave me a massage to help. I thought it was weird at the time but it helped so I didn't think anything of it. When I was better he offered me another massage, said I was looking tense and my muscles must be hurting from all the gigs. I agreed but this time it was different more sensual, he told me that he didn't understand why I didn't have a queue of women lining up to be with me. We got talking about how hard it was for him to be away from his wife and how much he missed her, how frustrated he got sometimes. When he finished I noticed he was hard, he was embarrassed about it but brushed it off. I couldn't stop thinking about him after that.”
He drinks the rest of his coffee.
“One night I came back to the hotel a bit drunk,” he continues, “I bumped into him in the hallway and he helped me back to my room. I don't remember who kissed who but before I knew it we were making out on the bed. I stopped it before it went too far and he apologised, said he didn't know what had come over him, that he was just really missing his wife. After that he seemed to be everywhere I went, he was always close to me as well and pressed against me until one day it happened again but went further. Eventually we ended up sleeping together.”
“You realise he probably only started sleeping with you because he knew I liked you,” I say.
He looks at me angrily.
“That's all I’m good for?” he shouts.
I shake my head.
“This is the second time Eero's slept with someone I love,” I say, “for someone who's straight and married with a family you don't find it a little bit weird?”
He sighs and looks down.
“You know,” I start, “I hated myself for telling you that I loved you.”
He looks at me quickly.
“Because for a while I was scared I'd lost you as a friend,” I finish my coffee and put the cup down, “and even though I was drunk and told myself it was a good idea to tell you I still knew that nothing would ever happen between us because you were straight. Or at least I thought you were.”
He bites his lip.
“But losing you as a friend would have been too much,” I continue, “because at least if you were my friend I could make sure you were happy, I could still see you and spend time with you. It wasn't about fucking you or sucking you, it was about loving you. You, the whole of you, every little thing about you.”
I fold my arms as I look at him.
“The worst thing about losing my sight was not being able to see you,” I sigh, “the way your face lights up when you smile, the way your eyes crinkle when you get excited, the way you twitch your nose when you're hungry, the way you drum your hands when you think and don't even realise you're doing it. It was everything. All those little things that are you, all those little things that I loved.”
He looks down sadly.
“All I see now are lies, betrayal and hurt,” I look at him, “I don't even know who to be angry with, Eero for using you in his sick little games, you for falling for it, me for not seeing it, I just don't know.”
I sigh deeply and rub my eyes.
“You both lied to me and you both hurt me,” I say sadly, “and maybe eventually I can forgive those things, forgive you both but what I can't forgive is that you were both willing to leave me blind to protect your little secret. You could both easily ruin my life so that he could carry on sticking his cock up your arse. Did I really mean that little to both of you?”
I can hear my voice crack and struggle to keep myself under control. I need to stay strong, to see this through and I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me completely destroyed.
“I've spent so long wishing I could see your face again,” I say looking deep into his eyes, “and now that I can I don't want to ever see it again.”
He looks shocked like I've just reached out and slapped him.
“You've got 10 minutes to get your stuff together and get the fuck out of here,” I say calmly, “at least now you'll have more time to fuck Eero.”
He looks at me sadly as he slowly stands up.
“Though I'm guessing he won't find it as much fun now that I know about you both,” I say nastily, “so make the most of it because I have a feeling you're about to be dumped.”
He hesitates like he's about to say something but instead just sighs and walks out. In a small way I do feel sorry for him, he didn't ask to be caught up in this and probably wouldn't of been if I hadn't of fallen in love with him. But at the end of the day he probably would of continued to fuck me, lie to me, hurt me and leave me in the darkness if I hadn't of heard him and that's what hurts the most. Maybe it is me, something about me that deserves all this. Maybe I still am a selfish arsehole.
I listen as I hear him walk towards the front door, hesitating before leaving. It hurts that he's gone because despite everything, whether through guilt or protecting Eero, he was here for me and I really don't think I could of ever survived without him. I just don't know any more. I sigh deeply and pick up my phone dialling Pauli's number. At least I know I can trust him. Can't I?
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A Sense of Betrayal