Last Swim | By : jai Category: Individual Celebrities > Athlete/Sports Misc Views: 8134 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the people written about in this fanfiction. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
Except from the journal of Michael Phelps
Sunday June 10 2007 Baltimore, MD
By this time next week, my mom will be a married woman. Heh. I think they’ll have a good life together.
~
Things between us have been better lately, he’s not walking around like I killed his dog anyway. I do understand why he thought I might be cheating on him or thinking of cheating on him but I guess I’m still holding on to my resentment which is probably why we still aren’t back to normal. One draw back of knowing each other is that you can’t really hide how you’re feeling from each other.
Or that used to be a problem, we haven’t been very in tune with each other lately. I guess those things happen but it was unexpected. Not just that it happened that neither of us saw it coming and that neither of us did anything to stop it. Fear is a horrible thing to live with even if it’s only the fear that the one you love is leaving. Were we too afraid to talk to each other. Even if our relationship ended tomorrow, we’d both still be alive. Hurting but alive. We were in more danger right after we first moved in together but I wasn’t half as scared then as I have been the last few months.
I keep trying to pinpoint the moment when we first stepped away from each other and I can’t find it. Because it wasn’t just one of us, we both did it. Even if I was only reacting to his distance, why did I step back myself?
We were lucky in the beginning; spending all that time talking. We were lucky again when we started living together because we didn’t have to make the effort to spend time together. We had date night but we always managed to spend more time together than apart (or so it seemed) so date night wasn’t really a necessity but a luxury.
Once we needed to have that time put aside for us, we stopped doing it. I can’t remember the last date night we had but it was probably last fall. I think he planned the last one which means it was my responsibility to plan the next one so maybe that contributed to this. Guess I’ll have to confess that to him.
He’s good at putting things together (which is probably why he creams my ass every time we play Clue or Risk); he’s good at strategies and I’m not blaming him for adding up all the different pieces and coming up with what he did.
I did the same thing after all which he doesn’t seem to credit. We joke about me being in charge of long-term planning but I had no idea he was really going to retire next year which puts a whole new spin on things. Professional student, he’s such a nerd. A hot stud of a nerd but a nerd nonetheless.
Doc says I need to figure out this whole sex thing on my own and to ‘not depend on JIT for my sexual identity’ but I don’t know how I can go about that or what that means. Okay I know what it means but I don’t know how I can fix myself at this point or even if I use JIT that way. I would still be gay if JIT was not in the picture. Four partners, three of them men; I guess it’s clear where my inclinations lie. I can’t say the same thing about JIT though. Does it bother me that’s he more experienced all the way around? Sometimes it does because I wonder if he’s comparing me to previous partners. He doesn’t have the same worry about me. I wonder if someone else he’s been with cheated on him and maybe that’s why it’s the way his mind went? He had a reputation before and he seemed to lose interest pretty quickly in relationships.
We have to get to the bottom of this or we will break up eventually. I can understand and I can forgive being suspected of cheating once but I can’t live under suspicion the rest of my life. Then again, he wasn’t following me around or he would have known why I was disappearing. And he wasn’t accusing me of cheating; he was just letting it eat away at him. Sometimes we can’t help reliving our pasts. I was scared he’d lost interest and was moving on. He was scared I’d found someone else. Huh. I think I’m going to ask him if any of his previous lovers were unfaithful. We’re not going to like talking about it but we’ve never discussed anyone he’s dated aside from Rene.
And I need to figure out why part of my lack of interest in sex was tied to JIT and what part of it was because I was so exhausted. I’ve finally started sleeping better the last week or so and I feel more stimulated lately. Having JIT sleeping next to me and the cuddling and how he’s looking at me again helps. But it’s been like living with an elephant that no one in the house talks about. Or two elephants, we’ve both got our own.
I think my main problem with sex is that I can’t initiate it. There I wrote it down. I think of putting the moves on him and I just don’t have moves. Even when I end up being the top person, he usually starts. Maybe I have been able to and I just can’t remember it but I suspect it’s been few and far between. JIT usually can figure out when I want sex but doc says it’s wrong for me to depend on JIT in that manner and that may be why I always feel like I’m using him.
No, I don’t always feel that way. I feel that why when JIT reads things right and takes over usually after I’ve teased him into taking action. I know I’ve got this submissive side and doc says there’s nothing wrong with having it but JIT has to be aware of it.
God, does JIT talk about me as much as I talk about him during sessions? I hate knowing when he has an appointment because I spend the whole hour wondering if he’s complaining about me. About what I brat I can be. I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go before I have a truly adult relationship. I don’t want to be a grown up. JIT’s a grownup or almost a grownup. He acts like a grownup most of the time. Two and a half years didn’t seem like much of an age gap when I was 19 and he was 22. Now I’m 21 and he’s 24 and it’s just looming. I’m still playing around in the pool and he’s ready to go. I’m scared of what he’s going to find out there without me.
If I didn’t think it would get me a spanking, I’d probably fall right down and have a tantrum. Scratch that, if JIT gave me the spanking okay but with my luck my mom would catch me and she’s not putting up with much right now. She’s pretty freaked. I wonder if I am going to have a major breakdown at my own wedding. I always had this vision that JIT and I would be calm cool and collected when the day came and we’d have the ceremony on a beach somewhere and we’d look back and think it was awesome and hip. Probably the farthest thing from reality. At least we wouldn’t have to worry about our mom’s trying to take over the ceremony. Mom said at breakfast that we kids better elope because 2 weddings are enough for her. I wonder if JIT was going to propose last year and changed his mind. I should ask him because I do want to marry him, oh maybe he thinks I should be the one to propose? Did I do something that made him think I was going to?
I wish we were back to where we were and I wouldn’t have to think about questions to ask him. I’d just ask without trying to figure out a good time or place or whatever. God, I’m thinking about the beach wedding thing and he might have something else in mind. We were so busy congratulating ourselves on being this perfect couple that we never even bothered to talk about the most basic crap. We are both such idiots.
Okay. I need to talk to him. I need to get him alone to talk to him. I need to get him alone and maybe after we talk we can make love. God, I’m really pathetic. The man calls me ‘love’ one damn time in months and I’m ready to roll over and let him have his way with me.
*****
AN: this isn't supposed to make much sense. It's Michael writing in his journal for his eyes only. Ian is JIT because Michael was worried in the beginning about someone stealing his notebook. This wasn't spell checked or grammar checked.
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