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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)	By : urbanephoenix Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Placebo Views: 5829 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction! I do not know any members of Placebo or their families, and I do not profit from these writings.

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BRIAN.

The next week sped by, one big blur Brian wished could last forever. Not because he was enjoying it, but because it would mean keeping Stef. Forever. They hadn’t spoken about his decision since the first time. In fact, they hadn’t spoken much at all save the few times they had no choice. Brian wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted his friend to be happy, but if that meant losing him, maybe he didn’t want it after all.

‘At least the shower in this motel works.’ the singer thought to himself, wrapping a towel around his waist, throwing another one on his head to cover his dripping wet hair. He paced the room slowly rubbing his hair dry, thinking about what he could possibly do to keep Stefan from leaving.

“Brian?” a voice outside his door interrupted his train of thought. Speak of the devil.

“Come in.” He called, still pacing.

“Oh, sorry I can come back later if you want.” Stef offered, blushing slightly.

Brian smiled. “Nothing you haven’t seen before.” Throwing his hair towel into the bathroom, Brian knew this was his one chance to convince his friend to stay. If not now, then when?

“I wanted to ask you if-“

“You have to stay.” The singer interrupted.

Stef frowned. “We’ve been through this, I’m leaving in two days!”

“No, you can’t. You have to stay. Please?” Brian wasn’t used to begging, but desperate times...

The blonde shook his head and sat on the end of the bed. “I can’t stay. I just came to find out why you’ve been avoiding me all week, but I guess I know why now.”

“I’ll do anything.”

“Bargaining isn’t going to work.” Stef laughed.

Two days. That’s all he had left. “What if I never see you again?”

“Brian, I’m going to Sweden, not to war. I’ll come back in the holidays. I’ll come back during Christmas.”

“No you won’t.”

“Ok, maybe not Christmas. I’ll come back during the holidays next year.”

Brian smiled sadly. That was over six months away. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”

“You’re taking this far too personally, Bri.”

“I always thought that, you know, despite our problems, despite our fighting, despite it all, we had something special. You’re my best friend, really the only friend I’ve ever cared about. More than myself.”

Stef looked up at him and smiled. “I know, we are pretty special, aren’t we? Weird, very weird, but special.” The blonde stood up and walked to where the smaller boy was standing, still in the bathroom doorway. “I’m going to miss you.” He whispered, wrapping his long arms around Brian’s neck.

Brian could feel tears welling up. No, no he was going to hold it together. He leant his head against Stef’s chest, his wet hair soaking through the blue shirt.

“I’m going to miss this.” He replied. “Just this.”

STEFAN.

Stef was racking his brain, trying to think of something, anything, to make this better. Something to cheer Brian up. Nothing. There was no way he could fix this, short of staying put. “You know,” he finally said, not loosening his grip on the smaller boy. “before I’d decided to leave I was thinking about asking you out. You know, properly.”

Brian pulled away suddenly, looking up at the blonde. “You what? When?”

“A couple of weeks ago. But not like the other times. I mean, for real. A normal relationship.” He chuckled. “As normal as anything could be for us anyway.”

“Two weeks ago you were with Courtney.”

Stef smiled. “I know, never a dull moment with us, is it?” he felt Brian’s head flop back onto his chest, water soaking through to his skin.

“I would have said ‘yes’.”

“I think I knew that. That’s one of the reasons I was so upset when Courtney broke up with me. It meant I had no excuse not to ask you. That scared me.”

Brian bit his bottom lip. “If I said ‘yes’ now, would you stay?”

“I already said bargaining wouldn’t work.” The blonde smiled.

“Tomorrow is going to be the last normal day. Home, final show, final day we have.”

“Oh don’t say it like that.”

Brian pushed Stef away harder this time, forcing the taller boy to almost lose his balance. “How am I supposed to say it? You want me to pretend to be happy?” he asked. “Well I’m not, and you shouldn’t have told me what you just did!”

“But I-“

“Because now I’m not just losing my best friend, but I’m always going to wonder what could have been now.” The smaller boy spat, pushing past Stef to sit on the bed. He buried his face in his still damp hair, running his fingers through slowly. “I’ve thought about it so much before,” he muttered, eyes fixed on the floor. “what it would be like for us to have a regular relationship. Hell, a regular friendship! Just for a while.”

Stef knew he shouldn’t say what he was thinking, but if not now, then when? “We’ve got now.”

Brian looked up, his sad green eyes making the knot in Stef’s stomach tighten further. "What?”

“Two days. The last two days. We can be whatever you want.” Stef held his breath, knowing there was a very good chance Brian’s reaction could be less than pleasant.

“You want us to be together... properly.... for two days? That’s ridiculous.”

“But at least then you’ll know. We both will. And we’ll always have that.”

"Stef... it's two days!"

"I know but... it was just an idea."

Brian thought for a moment. “Like a regular couple? Holding hands in public? The whole shebang?” he smiled to himself. “Snuggling?”

Stefan laughed. “All the snuggling you can handle.”

Brian jumped off the bed and flung his arms around the blonde’s neck, lifting his small body off the ground. Stef smiled, gripping him tightly. “I’d do anything for you,” he whispered. “I can’t stay, but until I leave, I only want to be with you.” He put Brian down, unable to hide his joy as he looked upon his friend who minutes ago was on the verge of tears, now wearing a smile Stef had longed to see for weeks.

“Two days.” Brian thought aloud. “I don’t want to waste a second.”

Stef smiled, looking down at his watch. “Well, we still have a few hours before the show.”

“Oh great minds think alike.” Brian smirked, tugging at the blonde’s damp shirt.

“You have a bit of a head-start.” He nodded down to the towel still wrapped tightly around his slender hips.

“Oh and don’t I know it,” the blonde grinned. “I should take a picture of you like that to take with me.”

Brian laughed. “You’re a sicko.” He finally managed to pull Stef’s shirt off, revealing the warm, flat chest Brian had so missed being pressed up against.

STEFAN AND BRIAN.

It had been a while since they’d been here, like this, but neither boy felt unfamiliar. It was well charted territory. Familiar.

“Why are you always so gorgeous?” Stef smiled, admiring Brian’s small figure in his own vast shadow.

“Only the best for you, my dear.”

The two became entangled once again, hands searching for something to grab onto, mouths colliding in a moment of passion. Stef could feel Brian’s small hands trying to unbutton his jeans, while endeavouring not to break the kiss.

“Let me, we both know what happens when you try to remove my clothing.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Not that again.”

“Oh but that’s when it all started.”

The singer smiled as he stroked the taller boy’s arm, watching him tug his jeans off and throw them in the corner.

“Now we’re on an even playing field. Happy?”

“Not quite.” Brian took Stefan’s hand, tugging him over to the bed.

Positioning himself over his friend’s smaller body, Stef was unable to hide a smile, seeing those beautiful green eyes looking up at him. He leant down, placing another soft kiss on Brian’s lips, hungrier this time, for something more.

Brian wrapped his arms around Stef’s waist, pulling his body down upon his own. He could feel the blonde’s excitement growing in his briefs, which did nothing to help calm his own arousal. Gently, Brian shifted himself to free a hand and slide it inside the last item of clothing Stef had left. Taking hold of the blonde’s cock, he started rubbing slowly, enjoying the sudden tensing of his friend’s body as the pleasure started to sweep his body.

“Brian...” he moaned softly, before diving his tongue deeper into the smaller boy’s mouth. “C...can I... oh fuck it.” Stef abruptly sat up awkwardly pulling his briefs off and discarding them. He looked down at the body pinned below his own. Brian was still wearing the towel, and while Stef couldn’t help but think he looked damn sexy in it, there was something that would be sexier.

As Stefan lower his body back on his own, Brian felt the towel around his waist loosen and eventually disappear.

“That’s better.” Stef muttered before locking his mouth back onto the smaller boy’s.

“So, what would you like?” Brian asked, pulling his head away.

“I’ll give you whatever you want. Anything.”

“You,” the singer replied, smiling as he pushed blonde hair from his friend’s eyes. “I don’t want anything else. Nothing complicated. Nothing different. Just you.”

Looking over to Brian’s half-packed suitcase by the bed, Stef was relieved to see lubricant and condoms within arm’s reach. He quickly prepared himself, before moistening his hands to work on his friend. Tugging gently on the smaller boy’s growing erection, Stef couldn’t help but be aroused watching him writhe and shudder at the touch. Without missing a beat, the blonde leant down, kissing Brian hard and forcing his tongue between the barrier of teeth.

Brian opened himself further, allowing Stef to further devour his mouth. He moaned softly in disappointment as he felt Stef’s hand move from his cock, only to resituate itself lower.

“Ready?”

Brian nodded as he felt a warm, wet finger enter him. He tensed up, eyes tight shut as he tried to adapt to the sudden intrusion.

“You have to relax.”

Nodding again, Brian breathed in slowly, relaxing his body so Stef could push in another finger, and another.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

After a couple of minutes, the singer was relaxed, enjoying the sensation of his friend slowly probing him, forcing him open and loosening him up.

“I think I’m ok now.” He smiled.

“Sure?”

“Yeah, it’s ok. I know you’re gentle.”

Stef positioned his body at the end of the bed between Brian’s legs, grabbing a hold of his shoulders. His fingers ran over the warm, soft skin, feeling small scars scattered beneath them. He hadn’t noticed them before, but that was the least of his concerns. Slowly, he pushed inside his friend and much to his surprise, didn’t see him cringe, tense up, snap his eyes shut. He must have done a good job at preparing him.

Brian breathed out slowly as Stef pushed past the first ring of muscle to be inside of him. It was something he hadn’t felt in a while. Someone’s intimate, loving touch. Stefan pulled out slowly, not letting go of the body under him. Brian looked up at him lovingly, his small hands resting on the blonde’s slender hips.

Pushing back in Stef started speeding up, getting into a rhythm. The knowledge that this could very well be his last change with Brian was constantly nagging in the back of his head, he wanted to make the most if it, for both of their sakes. He noticed Brian’s breathing becoming faster and heavier, soft moans escaping his lips. But it was the little things that made Stef so aroused, the way Brian tilted his head every time his prostate was hit, the way his nails dug ever so slightly into his skin, the way he bit his bottom lip.

Trying not to break this steady rhythm, Stef started to speed up his thrusts, while still controlling himself. The worst thing that could happen now would be his coming first.

Brian tightened his grip on Stef’s hips, pulling the blonde into him harder. He tilted his head up, enough to make contact with the younger boy’s lips, pressing into them gently. Stefan pushed back harder, forcing Brian’s head back onto the pillow.

Despite how much he loved feeling Brian’s kiss, Stef knew he had to do something to control himself, but excite his lover further. Detaching himself from the smaller boy’s lips, he quickly latched onto his neck, sucking and nipping at the tender flesh ever so gently.

Brian shuddered and moaned softly as the blonde’s teeth ran their way up the crook of his neck, finishing just below his ear. Damnit Stef knew exactly how to push his buttons. He could feel the other boy quickening his pace, pushing in faster and deeper, rubbing against his sweet spot.

“S-Ste-“ he muttered incoherently running his hands down Stefan’s back, running his nails gently over the soft skin. He wrapped his legs around the back of his friend’s pulling him in tighter.

Stef pulled his head from Brian’s neck, looking him in the eye, not missing a beat. “I love you.” He whispered, leaning in to kiss him one last time. He knew Brian was close so stayed in the kiss as long as he could, still thrusting as hard and fast as he possibly could from that position.

Brian did his best to return the kiss, but instead found himself burning up, digging his nails deep into Stef’s skin, his entire body tensing up as he came over their stomachs . He moaned hard, still mid-kiss, and pulled the blonde in harder.

Stef followed minutes later, his own sweaty body quivering ever so slightly as he came hard inside his friend, still coming down from his own orgasm. He allowed his body to flop onto the bed, still half on-top of the singer. Brian smiled and reached for a tissue on the bedside table to tidy up.

“You’re still sensational.” The blonde smiled, his shivering body spread over most of the bed.

“You did most of the work.” Brian smiled back, handing him a tissue. “You get better each time.”

“Just think how good I’ll be by the time I get back.” Stef laughed before realising what he’d said. “Wait, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know.” Brian laughed, pulling his underwear on and laying on his side beside his friend. “Well aren’t you a sexy, sweaty mess.”

“I could say the same for you.”

“We should have a shower before the show.”

“You want another shower?” Stef chuckled, turning to face the smaller boy.

“I do if you’ll join me.”

***

BRIAN.

Brian woke the next morning conflicted. On the one hand, last night they’d played their best show yet, and today they were going home. On the other hand, Stef was leaving tomorrow. He rolled over, tugging the sheets over his shoulders, to look at the blonde laying beside him. In the past few months, he and Stefan had been through more than he’d ever experienced before, for better and for worse. The thought of everything changing in 24 short hours was heartbreaking.
The clock ticked over to midday, not much to Brian’s surprise. Late rising had become customary over the past couple of weeks.

“Stef?” He whispered loudly, shaking the sleeping body beside him gently. “Hey, Stef. Wake up.”

“Mmm? Whatimeisit...”

Brian smiled. “It’s midday. Come on, we’re going home today.”

“Good!” Stef grinned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “It’ll be nice to sleep in my own bed for a change.”

“For the last time.”

“I’ll come back, I promise.”

***

Brian was relieved to be going home. After almost two weeks on the road he was starting to miss the ease of home life. Having someone to cook all his meals, clean his clothes, simple creature comforts like heating. He sat alone in the back of the van, watching Stef and Courtney talk and laugh in the front. He wasn’t sure if the redhead was aware of the two day arrangement they’d made, he didn’t really care. Resting his head against the wan door, Brian fell asleep.

“Hey, Brian!” Courtney called out, tearing the van door open. “Hey, wake up, we’re home!”

Brian’s eyes burst open. They were in the driveway of Stef’s parents’ house. A thin layer of snow covered the path to the door, the letterbox was overflowing, and the front garden a mess. The main difference, however, was the large “SOLD” sign plastered across the ‘for sale’ sign out front.

The trio dragged the gear inside the cold, empty house. The couch had gone, as had a majority of the rest of the furniture. All that remained was Stef’s unmade bed, a lamp, and a few scarse kitchen utensils.

“I should go.” Courtney smiled, putting down the last of the gear, a large amp.

“Will we see you tonight?” Stef asked.

“Ah, unfortunately not, I fly out at eleven tonight. Haven’t packed a thing.” The redhead laughed.

“Y-you’re leaving? Tonight!?” Brian gawked, he hadn’t realised Courtney would be leaving as soon as they got back. “But we haven’t paid you back yet! You didn’t tell us you-“

“It’s ok, Brian. I don’t want or need you to pay me back. I wanted to help you out. Think of it is as parting gift.”

The smallest boy looked over to Stef, who hadn’t said a thing since Courtney had announced he’d be leaving that night. The colour had drained from his face, his gaze glued to a the redhead’s.

“Stef?”

Stefan ran to the other side of the room, wrapping his arms around Courtney tightly. Brian felt that was his cue to leave.

STEFAN.

For some reason, Stef had assumed he’d be leaving before Courtney. He’d thought he’d be there to see him off at the airport with Brian. “I’m going to miss you.” He muttered.

“I know. I’ll miss you too.”

“Could your work ever bring you over?”

Courtney laughed. “No, I’m afraid Sweden don’t have a space programme. I’ll be in touch though. That’s a guarantee.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For everything. Respecting my choices, trying to blow up Michael’s building,” Stef couldn’t help but laugh, “driving us around for the past two weeks... everything.”

“I should go.”

Stefan broke the hug slowly, looking his friend in the eye. “Aren’t you going to say goodbye to Brian?”

“He’s feeling horrible enough as it is, I don’t want to depress him further.”

“Promise you’ll come back? Some day?”

Courtney thought for a minute, his hand on the front door knob. “I promise you’ll see me again. Sometime.”

***

“Wow, what’s eating you guys?” Ianto laughed as Brian and Stef threw their gear down backstage.

“Courtney left this afternoon.” Brian replied, looking through his guitar case for spare strings.

Ianto frowned. “Bummer. You guys are right to play though, yeah?”

Stef tried to smile, but doubted he looked genuine. “Sure. We’ll be right.”

“Hey, I’m gonna miss you, man.” The Welshman said, holding a hand out to the blonde. “It’s been a pleasure playing with you.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Stef took the hand and shook it firmly, before going back to sorting through the pair’s gear.

“Ok, well uh... you guys are on in fifteen.”

Stefan breathed a sigh of relief once Ianto had left. The last thing he felt like doing was playing. He wanted to spend his last few hours in the country with Brian. Alone. Looking over at the singer, he could tell he felt the same way.
“So, how do you want to go out?”

“What do you mean?”

Brian started plucking at his guitar strings, trying to get the instrument in tune. “Well, this is our last show, ever. Shouldn’t it be special?”

Stef smiled and got up to sit beside his friend. “It’s always special with you.” He kissed Brian gently on the cheek making the smaller boy blush.

***

“Good evening, one and all!” Brian announced after they’d pumped out their opening song to an enthusiastic crowd. Stef still couldn’t believe there were people who actually liked their music. “This is a very special night for Cygnet Committee. This is our final show ever!”

The crowd groaned and booed disapprovingly, but Brian went on.

“I recognise a few of you from our first London show a few weeks ago. It’s been a short run for us, but a great one, thanks for coming out.”

Stef caught the signal, and started up the drum machine for their second song, Nancy Boy. The first song they ever wrote together. And this would be the last time they’d play it. Ever.

***

Ianto had tried to drag them out to celebrate after the show, but as far as Stef could tell, there was nothing to celebrate. He sat on the end of his bed, his room only lit by the dim lamp beside him. In four hours he’d be leaving for the airport. In six hours he’d be on the plane.

“Are you going to sleep?” Brian asked quietly from the doorway.

Stef shook his head vigorously. “I don’t want to waste any of the time we have left.”

Brian smiled and joined him on the bed. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. What do you do with someone you care about when you’re not going to see them again for such a long time? I really don’t know.” He didn’t want to cry, knowing full well it’d just make Brian cry too. Looking over to his friend, he saw it was too late.

“I love you.” He said softly, tears rolling down his face.

“I know.”

“Promise you’ll come back.”

“I’ll be back for university. I promise.”

“Promise you’ll call me, write to me, e-mail me if you can work out how.”

Stef smiled. “Promise, promise, and I’ll try.”

“I’m still going to miss you.”

Stefan leant over the small space between them, running his lips gently over Brian’s, pressing in deeply. He ran his hand up the smaller boy’s back, tangling his fingers through black, knotted hair, pulling Brian into the warm kiss. This is what he’d miss. Stef pulled away, just enough for their lips to part, but left his hand on the back of his friend’s head, rubbing gently. “Brian?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you too.”
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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)