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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)	By : urbanephoenix Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Placebo Views: 5829 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction! I do not know any members of Placebo or their families, and I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
- 33
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A/N: I had sort of planned to finish the story at chapter 33 but got comments here and elsewhere asking what happened next etc so had a moment of inspiration and decided to continue on for a while in what I'm calling; "Without You I'm Nothing: Part II". Something else that made me keen to do this was people saying how they liked Courtney and wanted to see more of him/know more about him. Now, while this will remain a Molsdal story in one way or another for the most part, I couldn't resist =) So for now, there'll be more. Part II.
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LONDON. JUNE 1996.

BRIAN.

Brian wiped the sweat from his brow, and cringed as his talkative and uncharismatic bass player attempted to chat up the audience.

“So we have one more song, yeah? And like, we’ll be recording an album next week so you all gonna buy it, right?”

The crowd cheered. ‘God knows why,’ Brian thought to himself, tuning his guitar. He hadn’t wanted to include Chris in the band, but he needed a bass player.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Thanks everyone,” the singer said quickly, before his band-mate could say anything else. “We’ve been Placebo.”

As much as he disliked Chris, Brian couldn’t deny he was a talented musician. He looked out into the sea of adoring faces looking up at him, some singing along, but there was one who caught his eye. A tall figure at the back, just behind the scope of the lights. All Brian could see was a splash of blonde hair, but it was enough. It took all his focus not to stop playing there and then. It couldn’t possibly be who he thought it was, could it?

Brian put the mysterious blonde from his mind and played out the song before dragging himself off stage. It had been a long day, hell it’d been a long year trying to organise himself and the band to be ready to record an album, something he thought would never happen. He pulled his shirt off, searching his bag for a new one.

“Hey,” a voice behind him said softly.

Brian froze. He knew that voice, but not how to respond. “Who is it?”

“It’s me. Stefan.”

“Stefan who?”

Stef sighed and walked over to the smaller boy. “Come on, Brian. Don’t be like that.”

“How am I supposed to be?” the singer muttered to himself as he tugged his clean shirt on.

“I know I said I’d be back soon but things came up and-“

“What are you doing here?”

“I... I came to see your-“

“Three and a half years!” Brian stood up, shoving Stef back into the wall. He was shaking all over, his eyes glaring with hatred at the taller boy before him. “You didn’t call! You didn’t even write! What the fuck?!”

The blonde looked down sadly but Brian was having trouble feeling anything but anger.

“I waited for so long to hear from you. I even tried looking your address up but nothing, nothing at all! It’s like you disappeared completely. I thought...” Brian stumbled on his words, trying to hold back the tears he felt welling up in his eyes. “I thought you might have died.”

Stef gasped softly. “I didn’t... what? Why would you think that?”

“Because you promised you’d come back! You said you wouldn’t leave forever.”

“Well I’m back now. I-“

“Don’t you get it?” Brian was yelling now, unconcerned whether others would hear them. “I thought you had actually died. I haven’t heard from you in over three and a half years! You have no idea what that’s like.”

“I’m sorry, ok? I’m really, really sorry, Bri.”

“Don’t call me that,” Brian scowled. “only my friends call me that.”

Stef looked as though he could break down at any moment. “But... am I not your friend anymore? Just ‘cos I went away for a while?”

“A while!? You said you’d be back in six months, hell I would have been fine if it’d been a year if you’d bothered to call me! But you’ve been gone for years! You just, fell off the radar. Those two last days you were here were two of the best I’ve ever had. I held on to those, telling myself no way that Stef, MY Stef would just cut himself out of my life like that.”

“Brian, I can explain.”

“I don’t want to hear it, ok? I have enough in my life right now. My band is recording our first album next week, the bass player is the most irritating person I’ve ever met, I’m desperately trying to stay on top of everything, pay my debts, my rent, hold down a job, deal with my family, maintain a relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t need you back in my life. Not after all this time.” Brian’s face was now wet with tears. Not a day had gone by in three and a half years that he hadn’t thought of Stefan, wished he’d come home, but now that he was here, he didn’t want it.

“Please, just give me five minutes, Brian.” The blonde pleaded. “I know you don’t owe me anything, and I’ve been a terrible person, I know. But I want you to know why. Then I’ll leave, if that’s what you want.”

***

They drove to Brian’s apartment in silence, the singer not wanting to start anything for the fear of making Stef hang around longer than planned.

“So, do you live here alone?” the blonde asked as the pair unloaded Brian’s gear and started heaving them up the dark stairwell.

“Yeah, uh, kinda...”

Stef frowned. “Kinda?”

“Look, I don’t owe you an explanation for anything.” Brian spat, opening the door. His apartment had felt so empty since Zach had moved out and now that half the furniture had gone too, it even looked empty. “Ok, now shoot.”

STEFAN.

Stef felt his stomach sink, he’d known this wouldn’t be easy, but he had hoped Brian would have been a little happier to see him.

“I wanted to call you, I really did. Every day. Once I got over there my parents forbid me from calling you. I-“

“What the fuck? You couldn’t spare five minutes in three and a half years to pick up a phone and call me? Give me a fucking break!”

“Will you let me finish? Look, it’s not that simple. When my parents asked me to move the first time and I said no, it was because I didn’t want to leave you. They... don’t approve, you see.”

Brian snorted. “There’s a shock.”

“This second time they asked, and I said yes, I thought things would be different. But I wasn’t allowed to contact anyone back here. If I did my parents wouldn’t pay for university and I wouldn’t have had anywhere to live, I-“

“So you get a job and move out! Jesus, I wish you hadn’t told me at all.” Brian rolled his eyes, lounging into a tattered leather couch. “At least when I thought you were dead I couldn’t hate you for it. Now you just sound pathetic.”

“Look, what was I supposed to do? For the first year I was terrified of doing anything because I was sure they’d find out and I’d be on my own. I couldn’t just come back, I’d be stuck there.”

“And after the first year?”

“Well, I stood up to them. At first they were just worried about me. They didn’t want me always worrying about my friends back in London, they wanted me to move on from everything, and from you. They caved in but I was too scared to call you by then. I... I thought you’d have forgotten about me. Or worse, hated me.”

Brian frowned. “How could I forget you, Stef? You were so important to me, in every way. I was depressed for weeks, probably longer, after you left. My last year at school was horrible. Everything went downhill once you were gone.”

“I called Courtney quite a bit and asked him to pass messages onto you. I pleaded with him to call you when I was too afraid to.”

“What? That bastard, he never called me! Not once!”

“He said he did, but every time he called you weren’t home. He left messages with your dad though.”

“Well that explains a lot.” Brian shrugged. “I don’t forgive you though. You avoided me for that long because you were scared of your parents? You didn’t used to be such a pussy.”

Stefan couldn’t help but laugh. Saying it all out loud, he certainly did sound extremely pathetic. “Well, in fairness, for the first year I was afraid, the rest of the time I was a coward.”

“I’m thinking this isn’t going to be the five minute yelling match I’d planned,” the singer smiled, moving over on the couch. “there’s beer in the fridge, come on over.”

Nervously, Stef grabbed two bottles from the fridge and went to sit by his old friend. Besides a haircut, Brian hadn’t changed at all. He definitely hadn’t grown, his face still so feminine; his small frame in perfect tact. “I really am sorry, Bri... Brian.”

The black haired boy shook his head. “No point dwelling on it now.” He said, opening his drink. “But, I’m not forgiving you.”

“I don’t expect you to. I wouldn’t.” There was a long, awkward silence. In the past Stef remembered the pair being able to sit in silence together for hours and it was never awkward, it was peaceful. So much had changed since then. “So, want to explain what you meant by ‘kinda’ living here with someone else?”

“Oh... he moved out last week.” Brian replied casually, but Stefan could hear some hurt in his words. He figured it was worth the risk asking.

“Why?”

“Because he finally worked out I’m out of my mind?”

The blonde laughed. “How long did it take him?”

“He did pretty well, we were together for almost two years, living together for the past year. I think he just got sick of waiting for me to make something of myself.”

“What a jerk. You’re actually recording an album next week, that’s a pretty big deal.”

Brian smiled sadly. “I don’t think he believed it would actually happen. I mean, we’ve been putting it off for ages. We promised the label we’d have it released at the end of July so it’s next week or never, really.”

“I’m sorry.” Stef muttered, and he was. As much as he knew Brian disliked him, he had always hoped he’d be happy one way or another.

“You know the worst part? I don’t think I actually want to record it anymore.”

“What? Why not?”

“Chris. My bassist, he’s more narcissistic and off his nut than I am. That, plus I stole all your songs.”

Stef laughed. “My what?”

“You know, the songs we wrote together.”

“You still play those? Wow.”

Brian shrugged. “Everything I’ve tried to write since hasn’t sounded right, it’s all so incomplete. So, I told Chris and Robert that for now, they would be the songs we’d record.”

“Do what you want with them, I won’t come after you for anything.”

“Stef...” Brian said softly after another short bout of awkward silence. He was looking down, fiddling with the bottle between his hands. “How... how would you feel about recording the songs?”

“What?” the blonde laughed. “What happened to you hating me?”

“Oh trust me, I do, I really do. But the thought of Chris being permanently part of something so great that you and I created together... it makes me a little sick. We don’t have any shows booked for three weeks, plenty of time to find a permanent replacement. I just... it would mean a lot to me if you’d record some of the bass lines. I don’t know them all.”

Stefan was completely taken aback. If this was Brian extending an olive branch, he was going to grasp it and never let go. “I’m sure I could do that.” He replied, trying to sound casual.

“I’m not forgiving you though.”

“Of course not.”

BRIAN.

Brian got up to get more beer from the fridge. He had been nervous about asking Stef to help out recording, now he just hoped he wouldn’t regret it in the morning. “Want another one?” he called from the kitchen.

“Sure.”

Stef hadn’t changed a great deal, Brian noticed. He was still tall and lanky, short blonde hair, still gorgeous.

“So, what was so bad about school after I left?”

“You really have to ask?” the singer frowned, handing one of the two bottles he was holding, over.

“I dunno, I thought maybe things would have been easier after the break.”

~~~

“So fag, how was your break?” Ryan sneered. It was the first day back from the break. The day after Stef had left. Brian was not in the mood.

“Piss off.”

“Ooh, that good, was it?”

Brian turned around, now nose-to-nose with his classmate. “I said, ‘piss off’!”

“Hey, where’s Stef?” Matt asked loudly. It was then the other boys noticed he was missing. “Oi, poofta, where’s Stefan?”

Brian trembled, feeling like he’d burst out crying at the mention of Stef’s name one more time. “I don’t know.” He lied, looking down at his work.

“Oh you’re lying!” The whole group had surrounded his desk now, making Brian feel extremely uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted right now, was to deal with them.

“Look, he just went to Sweden, ok? He’s gone to live with his family, now for the last time, leave me alone.”

Ryan looked down at him with disgust. “What did you do, queer boy? You drive him away all the way to Sweden?”

“What’s your problem? Stef’s gay, why do you care where he is?”

Matt slammed his fist down on Brian’s desk, making it shake violently. “Don’t say that about Stefan. He’s as gay as I am. Just ‘cos you’ll take it up the arse, doesn’t make Stef a dirty homo like you. He had to leave the country to get away from you.”

“You make me sick.” Ryan spat.

Thankfully the bell rang.

~~~

Stef didn’t say anything for several seconds, he just stared at Brian as though he’d sprouted another head. “Th-they what?” He finally spluttered.

Brian shrugged. “It wasn’t anything different to how it was when I started at St. Winstons. Just, I no longer had you to save me.” He smiled.

“They didn’t treat you like that for the rest of the school year, did they?”

The singer didn’t answer. As angry at Stef as he was, he really didn’t want to guilt him about this. “So,” he said brightly. “how long are you in the country for?”

“Brian...”

“I just don’t want to talk about it right now, ok?”

Stef sighed. “Fine, but I’m not going to forget.” He smiled. “I’m here for good.”

Brian’s eyes widened. He must have heard wrong. “You’re what?”

“I’m here for good. I’m going to live here, work here, everything.”

“No really...”

“I’m serious. I finished university in Sweden but now that I’m older, the idea of living that close to my family makes me queasy.”

Brian laughed. “It didn’t before?”

“Well, more so now. I feel more at home in London. I’ll just need to find an apartment and a job.”

“You can’t have your old job back, it’s mine.”

“Oh really? Good for you.”

“Randy was quite unimpressed to hear you wouldn’t be coming back and Ianto put in a good word for me. Plus I get all the time I need off for touring. Guess I have you to thank for it all.”

“How is Ianto these days?”

Brian shrugged. “Fine I guess.”

“Oh... oh he wasn’t the one who moved out last week was he? I’m sor-“

“No!” the singer laughed. “Oh god, no, not Ianto. No, his band did break up though, couple of years ago now. He was pretty devastated but I still see him around sometimes, you know, we catch up.”

Stef looked at him suspiciously, a small smile creeping from the side of his mouth.

“Oh is it that obvious? You still know me so well.” Brian commented slyly, taking a sip from his beer. “Zach my... um... the one who moved out, he was a friend of Ianto’s, that’s how we met. Have some good memories of those guys.”

“Oh come off it! You didn’t?” Stefan laughed.

“Hey, we’re not here to discuss what may or not may not have happened in my sex life, we’re here so I can yell at you, tell you I hate you, and then kick you to the curb!” Brian snickered.

The blonde’s face dropped. “D.... do you? Hate me?”

“No, I couldn’t possibly hate you. You were such an important part of my life back then.”

“I... I know this is asking a lot... but, do you ever think... maybe, I could be an important part of your life... again?”

Brian smiled. “Of course, just give it some time. I think I’m going to have some major abandonment issues for a while.” He laughed. “You leaving my life, Zach entering it, Zach leaving, you coming back? It’s the soap-opera starting all over again.”

Stefan looked down at his watch, putting his empty beer bottle next to the first on the coffee table. “I should probably head off, gotta find a motel before it gets too late.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” the singer rolled his eyes and pulled himself out of the sinking couch. “you can stay here tonight.”

“R-really?”

“I wasn’t serious about kicking you to the curb. Or the hatred. Or the yelling, really.” It was then Brian noticed Stef hadn’t brought anything with him besides one small backpack. Surely when one moves countries, they bring... something! “Where’s all your stuff?”

“My parents are sending it to my aunt’s house in Northern London until I find a place. It’ll probably arrive next week... at least I hope so. I can’t imagine wearing the same clothes for a week or more on end.”

Brian laughed. “Says the guy who left dirty clothes laying all over his bedroom floor for weeks on end!”

“As if you remember that! I was a teenager then, I’ve grown up a lot thanks very much.”

“I remember everything, Stef. Every single day, even the ones I’d rather forget. Come on, you can sleep in the study.”

‘Study’ was a generous word to describe the spare room. Rather, it was a study, guest room, store-room, Brian’s second wardrobe. Most of the room was clattered with junk, an old computer sitting on a small desk in the corner. On the other side of the room was a dingy fold-out bed with a thin mattress and sleeping bag on top.

“Uh yeah, sorry about the bed, but trust me- it’s better than the couch. It was a hasty set up when things got a bit... ugly around here. Relationship-wise.”

“It’s fine,” Stef smiled. “thanks for letting me stay. I owe you.”

“Oh you have no idea.” Brian muttered to himself.

“Good night.”

“Good night.” The black haired boy turned to go, grasping the door handle. “Stef?”

“Hmm?”

“We could go and find you an apartment tomorrow... if you want? I mean... together? But only if you-“

“That sounds great.”

“Great.”

“I’m glad to see you again, Brian. I missed you, so very, very much.”

Brian closed the door behind him and buried his head in his hands, reeling from all that had happened over the past couple of hours. “I missed you too.” He whispered.

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A/N: Due to the time-jump the format has changed somewhat. Comments are always appreciated.
Also, I am well aware of the whole Placebo story, how the band came to be, Bowie, Robert etc but this is fictional. Entirely fictional. Some names, dates and places will be true to life, but for the most part, this is fiction and will not play out true to life at all. Just thought I'd point that out.
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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)