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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)	By : urbanephoenix Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Placebo Views: 5829 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction! I do not know any members of Placebo or their families, and I do not profit from these writings.

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BRIAN.

Brian woke on Sunday morning convinced the previous night had all been a dream. Stef wasn’t really asleep in his spare room, he wasn’t even in the country. Last night he’d played the show and come home alone. Stumbling into the kitchen, still half asleep, Brian quickly discovered only part of his initial thought was true. Stefan was standing by the stove fiddling with a frying pan.

“Morning.” He smiled.

Brian looked closer, noticing a small stack of pancakes sitting on a plate by the stove. “Mornin’. What’s all this?”

“Flour, milk, and eggs.”

“I need coffee.”

Stef laughed. “Pancakes, what do they look like? I thought it’d be nice, you know. I owe you after all, you let me stay here.”

“And you disappeared for three and a half years.” Brian muttered to himself, looking through his cupboards for coffee. With Zach gone, he was quickly learning he knew where very few things were kept in his own home.

“You don’t have work today or anything?”

“Na, not today; we need to find you an apartment. Besides, I should probably look for one for myself too.”

Stef flipped another pancake. “What’s wrong with this one?”

“Well, it was fine with two people paying rent, but I can’t afford it by myself.” The singer replied, putting the kettle on.

“There’s a very obvious solution to both our problems.” Stef thought aloud. “I could always-“

“No.”

“That’s it? Just ‘no’?”

“Just no.” Brian repeated. “You can’t just waltz back into my life, make pancakes, and expect everything to be fine. The world doesn’t work like that.”

“I know, I know. It was just a thought.”

“Hmph, nice try though.”

***

Thankfully it was a warm day, the last thing Brian wanted was to be dragging himself around London looking at apartments in the rain. The pair had found a few in the paper that could be suitable, but none nearly as good as the one he had now, Brian noticed.

“Ok, no.” Stef said sternly as they arrived at the first on their list. They hadn’t even stepped inside yet, but Brian agreed. The two storey building had piping dangling from the roof, broken windows and the front door hanging from a single hinge.

The second apartment was much the same story, though this one also had some suspicious plants growing in the backyard. For some reason, Brian had assumed this would be easy, but as the day went on and they visited shitty apartment after shitty apartment, his enthusiasm and optimism slowly diminished.

“Last one.” Stef groaned. It was almost five in the afternoon by now, they’d been walking around town most of the day and hadn’t found anything even remotely suitable yet. A dark, foreboding building greeted them at the end of the road. The tall grey walls and heavy brown doors were all too familiar to Brian, if only he’d recognised the address before they’d come. He looked over nervously at Stef.
The blonde was looking up at the building, eyes glazed over as if he were in a trance. “I thought Courtney blew it up.” He muttered.

“You didn’t think he actually destroyed the whole building, did you?” Brian laughed softly. “He’s a scientist, not a terrorist.”

“Hmm, I didn’t really think about it.” Stef sighed. “I think this is the worst one yet.”

On the outside it wasn’t, but the black haired boy knew this place held far too much history for either of them to consider entering it again. Disappointed, and having achieved next to nothing, they headed home.

“Is it ok if I stay here until I find a place? I’ll help with the rent.” Stef offered as Brian unlocked the door to his apartment.

“Yeah, whatever.” He dismissed, throwing his keys onto the kitchen table. Truth be told, he missed having a housemate, living alone certainly didn’t suit him.

“So, what went on here in my absence?”

“Hang on, you haven’t told me anything about what you got up to in the past three and a half years!”

Stef shrugged. “Nothing interesting to tell. Just school, university, worked as a stagehand at the local theatre. That’s all there is really.”

“Bullshit. No boyfriends? No drama? No drunken nights out or anything?”

“Not really, I mean, sure there were guys here and there, but nobody all that long term. I went out with one of the actors from the theatre, Emil, for a while. He was nice.”

“Yeah? How ‘nice’?” Brian asked, searching the kitchen for anything they could put together for dinner.

“Well, we were together for just under a year, but he moved to Stockholm for his career and it became too difficult.”

“That’s a shame.”

Stefan smiled. “It’s ok, he had to do what was best for him.”

“Was he hot?”

“Have you ever known me to be with someone who wasn’t?” the blonde laughed, pushing Brian away from the cupboard. “If you keep looking through everything it’ll be breakfast time before you find anything. I’ll make us something.”

Brian blushed. “Are you sure? I mean, you made breakfast, and you’re my guest, and-“

“I’m your friend, not your guest. It’s fine, really.”

“You know, Courtney didn’t leave before you.” Brian thought aloud. He wasn’t sure why he said it, but for some reason, he felt Stef should know.

“What?”

“Back then, in 1992, Courtney told us he was leaving the night before you, but he didn’t.”

~~~

The clock had just ticked over to eleven in the morning. Stef had been gone for hours, but Brian hadn’t gotten home from the airport all that long ago. He felt sick to his stomach, unsure what to do next. He’d be going back to school tomorrow, the thought of which depressed him even further.

“Brian!” his mother’s voice called from downstairs.

“What?”

“Someone at the door for you!”

Begrudgingly, Brian dragged himself off his bed and went down stairs. He was in no mood for visitors.

“Hey, Brian.” Courtney smiled.

“W-what are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to leave last night?”

The redhead bit his bottom lip nervously. “Yeah about that... uh, can I come in? It’s freezing out here.”

The pair headed back up to Brian’s room. It usually would have been immaculate, but after two week of abandonment and Brian’s lack of attention dust had gathered, clothes piled up on furniture, and books lay strewn on the floor.

“What are you doing here?” Brian closed the door behind them.

“I came to see you before leaving.”

“You should have already left.”

Courtney sat on the end of the bed, leaning back on his hands. “Yeah um... I lied. My plane leaves tonight.”

“Why would you lie about that?”

“Because if Stef knew when I was leaving he’d want me to be there at the airport when he left, and I couldn’t do that.”

“Again, why?” Brian was getting lost.

“Two reasons I guess. One, I didn’t want to take that moment away from you two, and two, which I guess is related to one, I didn’t fancy my last sight of him being an image of you two together.”

“Courtney, I’ve had a long, shitty morning. Just tell me what the hell you’re on about.”

“Brian, I broke up with Stefan because I knew he was in love with you, not because I didn’t love him. I accepted that, but that doesn’t mean I want to see you guys parading around in front of me. I know it’s selfish, but I wanted... needed... the last time I saw him to be just us. Him and me.”

“You’re right, that is selfish.” Brian sighed, sitting beside him. “But I understand, I think.”

“But, I’m definitely going tonight, for a few more months anyway.”

“Will you come back?”

“One day.”

Brian looked down at the floor. “Do you think Stef will come back?”

Courtney smiled. “Of course he will. He’ll always come back for you.”

~~~

“Huh?” Stef stared blankly at Brian who quickly realised he hadn’t said anything.

“Oh, nothing, he uh... he missed his flight.” The singer lied, he didn’t feel like going into it.

“That’s a shame.” The blonde shrugged, cutting up some carrots.

Brian shook his head, desperately trying to sort through all the nonsense shooting through his brain. This wasn’t right. Stefan wasn’t supposed to be here. Brian had spent the past three years doing everything he could to forget him and move on with his life. “No, you have to go.” He muttered.

“Hm?”

“You have to go. Now.”

The blonde frowned, putting down the knife. “Go where?”

“Leave! You can’t stay here, I changed my mind.”

“Brian... what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, I made a mistake. I thought I could handle this, but it’s not going to work. You can’t just come back into my life when you feel like it. I’ve moved on, you should too.” The words didn’t come easy as Brian saw Stef’s face drop. He didn’t even believe in what he was saying, but he knew it was for the best.

“Hold on, I thought... I thought we were going to be ok? You said you just needed time!”

“Yeah, well the time isn’t now. I can’t have you here.”

“Brian, tell me how I can make this right, please!”

“You can’t!”

STEFAN.

Stef was shaking. He knew this transition wouldn’t be easy for either of them, but Brian’s outburst was so sudden he didn’t know what to think. “Just tell me what I can do.” He pleaded.

“Nothing. I wish I’d never met you.”

“W-what? You don’t mean that.”

“Yes I do.” Brian spat, his jaw clinched. “Then I wouldn’t know what I was missing for those years you were gone. I wouldn’t be in this situation now. I wouldn’t have to be worrying about recording all this fucking music next week. I’d have a normal, boring life like everyone else.”

“Sure, when you look at it that way! But come on, we’ve had some good times too.”

“Hardly worth it. I’m damaged, thanks to you. Zach didn’t want to live together, but I made him, because I was scared he’d leave like you did.”

Stef paused for a moment, letting the words sink in. He should have expected this, it was no less than he deserved after all. “Yesterday... you said you had a boyfriend. So you’re still toge-“

“I lied. You should know what that sounds like, you’re the fucking expert.”

“I’ll do anything, just-“

“You want to help? Then go now. I don’t want you here, I don’t want you to record anything, I don’t want to see you. Just go.”

“Brian, we’re not in high school anymore. Surely we can work this out.” Stef didn’t know what to say. The thought of losing Brian again hurt too much and he’d do anything to avoid it. “Please? I’ll listen, I won’t say anything unless you want me to. Just... give me a chance, please!”

Brian was visibly trembling, his eyes red, his teeth grinding softly. “You know what the worst part was?” he muttered, his face hidden by long, black hair. “I convinced myself that something awful had happened to you. I meant what I said yesterday, I couldn’t work out any other reason you wouldn’t contact me in so long. Not after everything that happened, everything you said in the last two days you were here. I thought you were better than that. I practically mourned you, do you have any idea what it feels like thinking someone you love is dead?”

“I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t mean for you to think tha-“

“What did you think I’d think? Stef, I was completely convinced you cared about me, loved me. You don’t cut people you love out of your life like that.”

“I’m sorry, I really, really am! I did love you, I just... I was scared and stupid. Very stupid and I’d take it all back if I could.”

~~~

“Oh Stefan, älskling!” his mother cried, running to the front door and grabbing the blonde in a bear-hug. “I’ve missed you so much, my boy.”

“Far, mor.” He smiled. As much as Stef resented his family sometimes, he had missed them. Yes, moving was the right thing to do.

“Come in here, boy,” Mr. Olsdal grumbled, leading the way to what Stef assumed was the lounge room. “we have to talk.”

The lounge was painted a sickly yellow, clashing horribly with the brown carpet. Stef could see his mother had tried to disguise as much as possible with rugs, photographs, paintings, but it didn’t do any good. He felt uncomfortable in this cold, unfamiliar house. It didn’t feel like home at all.

“Now, your mor and I have had a chat about... things. This is a new life for us, we’ve got a second shot at what we used to have before moving to London. We don’t want to lose that, förstå?”

Stef nodded. No, he didn’t really understand, but he was too afraid to interrupt, he knew where this was going.

“As such, we think it would be in your best interest to not speak to anyone back in London. At all.”

“Why not? I have friends there.”

Mr. Olsdal cleared his throat and leaned forward in his chair. “Because, Stefan, they are a bad influence on you. Look what you’ve done with yourself the past few months. Got it into your head that you’re some sort of musician! These days you even think you’re gay!”

Stef sighed. “Far, we’ve been through this. I am gay and that has nothing to do with my friends.”

“Well I disagree, and as I am the man of the house, you shall do as I say. Now, next year you shall attend university which we will pay for. You may live under our roof. You don’t have to worry about working. But, you must commit yourself to life here, not dwell on the past. It’s time to move on, Stefan. Does that sound reasonable?”

‘No.’ Stef thought to himself. He couldn’t possibly cut all ties with his friends at home, least of all Brian. “Far, that doesn’t sound fair. I should be allowed to write to my friends at least.”

“No, that’s not the deal, boy. That is all in the past now, this is our home. I am your father, and you will obey my rules. Förstå? And before you agree, remember, should we discover you have not been truthful, there will be severe consequences.”

Stefan bit his bottom lip. He should have known something like this would happen. “What happens if I say no?”

His father eyes narrowed. “Should you disobey me in any way, you’re on your own, boy. And I mean that, no house, no school, no university.”

“But, far! Tha-“

“No, those are the rules and you shall obey them, or you shall leave. You know I’m serious, Stefan.”

The blonde had no doubt his father would carry through with his threat, that was the kind of man he was. “Okay.”

***

It had only been a week, but Stef was already regretting his decision to move. Despite being with his family, in the country he was born in, he was homesick. More than once he’d picked up the phone with every intention of calling Brian. He just needed to hear a familiar voice. Nobody would know, would they? Another week went by and he still hadn’t called Brian, the temptation was becoming harder and harder to resist. He had promised his friend he’d call, after all. His father was smart though, and for the first few months at least he’d be checking the phone bill. Goddamnit, why was he making things so difficult?

“Stefan?” Mrs. Olsdal stuck her head inside Stef’s room nervously.

“What is it?”

She looked around quickly, ensuring they were alone. “Take this, hide it.” She whispered.

Stef frowned, looking at the small piece of cardboard she was shoving into his hands. “What is it?”

“It’s an international phone card. You know, so you can call your friends.”

“Mor! No, no it’s ok.”

His mother smiled kindly. “I know you miss him, I bet he misses you too. As long as your far doesn’t find out, it’ll be ok. Just make sure you use it at a public phone.”

“Of course.” Stef was stunned. He’d assumed his mother would back up his father on this. He clutched the small rectangle tightly as though it were gold. For what it was worth to him, it could have been. “Mor?” he called out as she turned to leave. “Thank you.”

***

“What’s with you, boy?” Mr. Olsdal asked as the family sat down for dinner.

Stef had been having a hard time hiding his excitement since his mother had given him the phone card. Such a small thing, but it meant the world to him. “Nothing.” He smiled.

“Nothing? Hmph, so what’s this?”

Much to Stef’s horror, his father held up between his fingers a blue rectangle piece of card, slightly bigger than a matchbox.

“I... I don’t know.” He stammered.

“Oh really? Then why did I find it in your school blazer pocket?”

The blonde nervously shot his glance towards his mother who looked just as surprised. “You went through my pockets? You can’t do that!” he protested.

“Good thing I did, how long have you been defying me for, boy? You’ve been here two weeks! I lay down these simple rules and you go and-“

“No!” Mrs. Olsdal interrupted. “No, it was-“

“Far, I’m sorry! It was stupid, I know, I shouldn’t have bought it.” Stefan wasn’t going to let his mother take the rap for this, not after she’d tried to help him. It was his fault for leaving it somewhere his father could find it in the first place. “I just wanted to speak to my friends again! Please forgive me.” Stefan looked up to find his father towering over him.

“I told you there would be consequences, boy.” He growled.

“Augh!” Stef flinched as a large hand collided swiftly with his jaw. Before he had time to see it coming, his father hit him again, and again.

“Stop it!”

“Mor, no! Far, I’m sorry, I am, it won’t happen again!” the blonde cried, fighting back tears. His father had never struck him like this before, not in anger anyway. The last thing he wanted was his mother to intervene. “Please, I promise!”

~~~

Stef fidgeted nervously. He didn’t want to tell Brian about his father hitting him that day. Or any of the other days. No, he’d deal with this on his own.

Brian closed his eyes and breathed out slowly. “How am I supposed to forget?” he mumbled.

“I don’t expect you to forget, but I’d do anything for you to forgive me.”

“I don’t think I can.”

----------------------
A/N: Thanks for the encouraging words on the last chapter =) I was a bit nervous people may not take to a continuation but I’m very happy about the positive response I received. Comments always appreciated, they’re great motivation. I'm actaully quite excited to write the next chapter (if it's wanted) for a reason begining with 'Mol' and ending in 'sdal' =)

For anyone confused:
Älskling = darling
Mor= mother
Far= father
Förstå = understand
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Without You I'm Nothing (Chapter 39 up now!)