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Don't deny your feelings	By : Shinya Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1743 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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DISCLAIMER: Don’t own Dir en grey.

A/N: Thanks for your reviews! They have really cheered me up and I’ve got inspiration for my fic too! So thank you VERY, VERY MUCH! I hope you all like my fourth chapter too.

DON’T DENY YOUR FEELINGS

Chapter 4:

When no-one came as Shinya knocked the door, he sighed and decided to go and ask Kaoru if he could at least sleep at the floor of his room. But then Shinya heard steps behind him and someone grabbed his shoulder. He turned around and saw Die standing there. The older man was staring straight into his eyes.
”Have you... Why are you… Here?” Die muttered shyly, head down. The drummer answered very shortly. ”There weren’t any room left for me anymore. All rooms were already taken. So could it be… possible if I…”
”Okay.” The guitarist opened the door and went in, letting Shinya to come in too. Shinya shut the door behind him, seeing soon Die watching the TV on a sofa already. He sat to the sofa too and began watching a cooking show. There was a long silence when suddenly Shinya noticed Die’s hand moving towards his thigh!

Shinya got panic and screamed, slapping the older man’s cheek badly. Die whined and hold his cheek, watching the drummer very shocked, mouth open.
”Why did you do that?” Die shouted angrily. ”I was just going to take the remote-control! God dammit, what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!”
”I… I am sorry…” Shinya whispered blushing, head down.

Die laughed joylessly to Shinya’s apology. ”What ever… You were propably just enjoying when you finally got a chance to hit me! Weren’t you, Shin-chan? I know you hate me!!!”
Shinya’s heart jumped to his throat when he heard Die’s words. The guitarist stood up and switched off the television. Die looked… sad… Like he would have been holding his tears from coming. And soon Shinya heard Die walking towards the bed and the older man was sniffing.
”Die, are you… crying?!” Shinya muttered quietly, stood up and walked to Die. Die just went to the bed and answered sniffing: ”Shinya, I am not crying. I don’t have any reason to cry. You just hate me! Why would I cry?”

Die turned his back on Shinya. The younger man gulped, thinking of Die’s words. He knew he didn’t hate Die. Die was his friend after all, had always been… Of course Shinya didn’t hate the guitarist. Not at all!
”Die… I… I don’t hate you”, he whispered shyly, going to the bed too. He went to lay opposite of Die, glaring at the guitarist straight to his eyes. But Die avoided his glance and turned on his back, eyeing the roof.
”I really meant it!” Shinya sighed. ”I didn’t lie to you. I promise it! Believe me, please!”

”Then you must… Then you are… Then you are in love with me!” Die said surprisedly, still crying.
”I wouldn’t say that either”, Shinya mumbled. ”I don’t hate you, but I don’t love you either. I want us to be friends, you know… Like we have always been. This day… has been horrible, because I have seen how sad you’ve been. You have thought the whole day that I would hate you. And I am sorry about everything. I am sorry about this day…”

”You want us to be friends…?” Die sniffed, disapointed. ”You don’t want to be my koi…”
”Die, it is not your fault”, Shinya said. ”I just… I am not gay. I am a hetero. I know it. I am so sure of it. I want to get married and have kids. That is the reason –”
”But we could get married too!!” Die almost shouted hysterically, staring at the drummer. ”And we could have kids too! By adopting them! We could be a happy family… I know we could be good parents. When you want a family, there doesn’t have to be always a man and a woman. Two men or two woman can also be a family. I t is not a crime to love a man even if you are a man yourself! Don’t you understand that I want you and you only? No one else… I do not care that you are a man, I love you still! You don’t need a woman to become happy… I would make you happy, I promise it. I would love you forever and never leave you alone. You don’t need to be afraid of me or anything. I could not ever, ever hurt you! I really would make you happy if only you gave me a chance…”

Shinya felt his insides getting warm when he listened to Die. Die really wanted him. Die wanted a family with him.. It was so amazing… The guitarist really could be a romantic person. But.. he felt that this wasn’t right. Maybe Die could imagine things so far, want kids with him some day and all but.. He wasn’t gay. He really, really was NOT gay!

”Die, I am so sorry”, Shinya whispered quietly. ”I can not be with you. I can’t love you. I can’t have a family with you or adopt kids with you because I am not gay. I have told it many times to you already.”
”But… I love you!” Die whispered, sobbing. ”I can’t love anyone else! I may be gay but I am proud of it… I want you and I want to be with you. You can’t just… ignore that! You must feel something towards me! You can’t just act like nothing ever happened this day!”
”No, Die. I DON’T LOVE YOU. Believe it already!” Shinya sighed desperately. ”You must find someone else to be in love with. Understand?”
”No, I can’t understand! Shin-chan –”
”I am tired. I want to sleep now. Good night!” Shinya sighed again. He didn’t hear the guitarist answering.

***

Next day Shinya and Kyo met in a little restaurant. The drummer wanted to meet his best friend, because he wanted to tell everything to him. Everything that had happened last night…
”So… I really had to spend a night in Die’s room. We had a little fight…” the drummer explained quietly. ”When I told him that I don’t hate him and I just want to be his friend, he became so hysteric. He told that he only wants me and loves only me, no one else. He wants a family with me and he said that we would be a good parents. And told me that he would give me everything. Like he had been feeling like this for who knows how long! Can you imagine? It is so unbelievable.”

”And what did you say?” Kyo asked hopefully. He really wanted Shinya and Die to be together. They were meant to each other. Little, shy uke-Shinya and big, bad Die-seme… Maybe he was a little perverted or something, but why not?
”I was not happy at all”, Shinya answered coldly. ”I told him that I don’t love him. That I don’t want kids with him or family either. I said to him that we can’t be together, that I am not gay and I like women and I want to have kids with a woman. He really isn’t anything to me, only a friend.”

”You are an ass, Shinya!” Kyo hissed and everyone in restaurant started watching them with big eyes. ”How could you say all that to Die? How could you do that to him?! We all need him and we want him to be happy. But it seems that you want him to become sad and… He really must be heartbroken now!! He loves you and would give you everything you ever wanted! But you just… lie to him about everything! You aren’t hetero, you are gay! Everybody sees that!! I can’t imagine you with any girl, you know. You are so girlish yourself! It is not my fault if you ruin your life because you are so stubborn and even deny your own feelings! I can’t stand your stupid behaviour any longer! I am on Die’s side! Can’t you see that you love him?”

Shinya stared at the singer angrily. ”How can you turn your back on me? I thought that you are my best friend! And now you are on Die’s side! How would you know that I love Die? And I am not so girlish that I couldn’t have sex with a girl! I can fuck every girl if I only want! I can have kids with girls, own kids, I don’t need to adopt them! How dare you say I am gay when I am hetero?!”
”Hetero? You?” Kyo laughed. ”Don’t make me laugh, Shinya. You are so gay! You shouldn’t deny your feelings, do you understand me? Shinya-kun?”

”I am NOT denying my FUCKING FEELINGS, you shithead!” the drummer shouted angrily. ”You don’t even know me too well! I AM NOT GAY! And it really makes me so fucking angry that you are forcing me to be with Die! I don’t want to marry Die or have kids with him! I don’t want to!!”
”Oh Shinya! I am NOT forcing you to marry Die”, the vocalist sighed. ”But you really are denying your feelings. That is a really stupid thing to do. You will lost Die, he won’t love you soon anymore. He will find another beautiful man and marry him and have kids with him! And then you are jealous. But it is pointless to come and cry on my shoulder then! I have already told you my opinion about this situation. So do what your heart tells you to do! And… DON’T DENY YOUR FEELINGS!!! If you do, you will never find happiness!”

After hearing that Shinya stood up and left Kyo alone. ”I don’t have to listen to this and your stupid orders!” Shinya shouted before he left. All the other customers of the restaurant were staring at him as he slammed the door shut behind him, then they turned their attention to Kyo who know sat on the table, all alone.
”Oh that poor Shinya”, Kyo growled to himself. He knew Shinya would lose Die if he didn’t admit what he really felt towards the guitarist. He was sure of it. Die would not be in love with the man who didn’t love him back and answer his feelings. Not soon anymore and then Shinya would just want to cry. But what could he do? Shinya didn’t want to listen to his words, so he couldn’t help the drummer to get Die anymore.. Shinya was all alone now.

***

Kyo woke up next morning after their last gig in some weird feeling. He felt someone holding him from the back and that someone was… naked! And soon he noticed that he was naked too! He was so terrified now. What the fuck had happened last night? He only remembered that they had a gig and after that they had all went to have fun at the bar. And they had been drunk, very drunk, but…

Kyo felt his ass hurting so much. And his head too… It couldn’t be… Someone had fucked him!! Some old fat man of course… That would be his luck. He was so scared that he couldn’t look behind him. Why had others let him drink so much? Now Kyo turned around and he was shaking when he realised who had fucked him. It couldn’t be… It couldn’t be. But it really was true.

KAORU.

TBC…

A/N: Kaoru, hahaa!! I am sorry, but I had to put Kaoru into this… Don’t get angry… ;) And I promise that in the next chapter will be Kyo and Toshiya!! Perhaps something will happen between them! :)
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Don't deny your feelings