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I Hate How Much I Love You	By : YoshikiLove Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > X Japan Views: 1870 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of XJapan. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
I do not own X Japan… Yoshiki, hide, Toshi, Pata, Taiji etc etc. Anyone featured in this… Not owned in any way by me. This is just writing folks, and in no am I claiming to know the rl people's personality… This is not truth… NONE…. Well maybe a few band facts but like… None of the story and… YOU GET IT!
Rated high for future…. stuff
Yes this is a YoshikiXhide fanfiction
DON'T KILL ME!!
~~~~~~Yoshiki~~~~~~
It had happened so fast. One moment he’d turned away, not wanting hide to see… Not wanting anyone to see him weak. He was the leader. That meant he had to be strong, only think of the band, focus, make sure everything went well… Not get tangled in personal relationships and cry after practices… but the next moment? He had been turned in the opposite direction and hide’s lips pressed against his.
hide’s lips were soft… Even though it had been a sudden, slightly harsh movement on the guitarists part, his kiss was so soft… Everything about hide was soft in that moment, his grip easing on Yoshiki’s shoulder, becoming more of a gentle hold, a caress, almost as if he treasured him. It was a nice feeling, different than anything he’d dealt with before. Like he actually cared or something silly of that sort…
Before he could really control his actions Yoshiki’s body responded. Long pianists fingers slowly raised until the tips grazed gently across hide’s neck, brushing along his pulse… Feeling his heart pound from that one throbbing point, and that… Is when he realized what he was doing…
“NO!”, Yoshiki screamed, his hands suddenly moving to push hide, HARD. He didn’t pause to see what his sudden action caused. Although he heard the clatter of something falling and a large THUNK. Instead he did the thing he always seemed to be doing to hide nowadays… Running from him.
~~~~~~hide~~~~~~~
He was in shock. Motor functions down… Brain at zero capacity… Body on meltdown… How many ways was there to say he couldn’t think? Or maybe he could considering he was thinking about how he couldn’t think… His ass hurt, and so did his head, and his elbows, but nothing hurt as much as his heart did.
I mean yes, it had been one of those sucky not thinking things, and he’d expected Yo to push him away, but for some reason his heart was actually throbbing as if in pain now. Knowing what would happen didn’t seem to make it hurt less, but for one second, just for one slight slight slight moment… He’d almost thought Yo-chan had liked it… Maybe he’d imagined it? That touch on his neck?
hide reached up slowly, touching the tingly spot on his neck when….
“OW!!!!!!”
HEAD HURTING!!!! He winced and rolled over onto his side, rubbing vigerously at the spot, sure it made it hurt more, but it made him feel better doing it. What the hell had he crashed into when he fell? He glanced up scowling… only to scream…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABY!!!!!!”
Broken guitar… He went to touch it and realized his hands were sticky with blood.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Broken head…Today was a bad day….
~~~~~Yoshiki~~~~~
By the time he’d left the building, he’d thrown on his heavy black coat, and darkly tinted sunglasses, regaining that calm business like attitude he was comfortable with, but inside? He felt insane. What the hell had he been doing? He’d gambled with fate… Being with Toshi, risking his band, and even though it had come to break his heart, his dream had kept living, but risking everything twice? On a wild card like hide? He’d have to be insane… but for just a moment there had been something… Something he’d wanted.
It would be a lie to say his reaction had only been about the band. A complete… lie. He’d been more scared. Scared of that odd feeling that had washed over him in that moment, but it wasn’t worth it. Just forget it. Move on. hide would in 5 minutes… Why should he suffer? Thinking about that one kiss, the only one they’d ever share, while hide stuffed an entire hotel room full of girls and managed to give every single one a piece of him before the sun had set.
As he walked across the parking lot, he saw Toshi. He hadn’t left? Ran home to his girl he cared so much for? For a moment he felt like running to him, wrapping his arms around his neck and sobbing like he used to when he was confused and downhearted…He always had been the emotional sort…Toshi just stared at him for a moment before clearing his throat and speaking.
“We need to talk”
~~~~~~~hide~~~~~~~
Owwww! Broken heart, and a broken head. The blood dripped from the top somewhere all the way down his face. It only took a few minutes to run along to the hospital although he got a lot of curious stares. That was actually pretty normal… By the time he’d reached the front desk of the little white building, the sticky red blood was all the way down to his chin, and he felt dizzy…
“Mai namu is Andy Johnson”
The nurse at the desk just stared at him in shock. Maybe speaking in English, and using such a weird name wasn’t the best thing to do… Her rather lovely brown eyes widened considerably. They reminded him of Yo-chans... All warm and dark, although he looked pretty lovely in those contacts too... Maybe it was the shape?
“You’re hide!” She didn’t even bother speaking in English. hide blinked once before jumping out of his thoughts and responding.
“ANDY! “
She just stared blankly before realizing the rockstar would stand there and babble instead of giving in. So she simple wrote down “Andy” on her little notepad and waved to the right.
“…Right that way… Andy”
How many people would believe hide, the guitarist if X, had come into the hospital speaking bad English and giving himself a cliché American name, arguing with the nurse while blood fell everywhere? Maybe she should have asked for an autograph…
~~
A few hours later he was stitched up and laying in bed. It had been tricky, trying to avoid everyone in the crew as he made his way to his room. The big white bandage on his head a clear indicator something had happened. It wasn’t until he actually got there that he realized he could have just taken the fucking thing off. It was now, drugged up with pain meds that he could actually think of it… Yoshiki.
His arm had felt solid under his fingertips, lovely drummers arms… But nothing compared to those lips, that warm scent. It wasn’t a surprise that Yoshiki wore perfume instead of cologne. His body had been soft and willing… willing?… willing…. Willing!? WAIT!? YO HAD BEEN WILLING!?
That small, and quite abused body at the moment lifted off the bed suddenly. He scrabbled with his bandage, ripping the thing right off and just jammed a hat on his head. He needed to speak to Yo. Maybe… just… maybe maybe in a small small small small small place he hoped, just BARELY … That maybe they could… He could… They… AH! It wasn’t worth it thinking on it, but he had to try, right? It wouldn’t be that hard. Just “Yoshiki, I love you”. Simple!… Well… He’d never confessed his love before, but it sure sounded simple.
~~~~~~Toshi~~~~~~~
Yoshiki just stared blankly at the fabric of his comforter before glancing up at Toshi. They hadn’t said a word to each other this entire time. It had been strange, like some overdone opera, or a modern poem. But finally here they were, sitting on Yoshiki’s bed, fully clothed of course… Just… staring… Finally Toshi broke the silence.
“I saw you and hide from the window”
Well that certainly caught Yoshiki’s attention, although he didn’t say anything.
“I wanted to talk to you about us… and saw that”, the faint tint of anger probably was noticed by Yoshiki, but once again he didn’t give any response.
“There is no us Toshi… Not like that. You have a gi-“
“She’s gone! All I want is you, ever since we were young. You were my first kiss, remember”
It was a lighthearted joke, a feeble attempt to make everything okay and easy, but Yoshiki’s only response to that was a dark scowl. Toshi couldn’t take that as an answer though. The Yoshiki that had always been his, even when they weren’t together had started to slip from his fingers. He’d known it the moment he saw him and hide…
“He just did it randomly… Don’t be stupid and jealous… Like hide cares. You know how he is, he’ll kiss anything in a skirt, maybe I wore one too many costumes…”
“Haha, that’s true”, but Toshi didn’t like it. Yoshiki sounded odd… almost hurt or injured by what he was saying, almost as if HE cared, and it pissed him off… Yoshiki was his! “But about us…”
“I said there is no us”
“You’re what I want… I’ll leave her…Just-“ Toshi had slowly trailed off, moving from his sitting position to crawl up the bed, up Yoshiki’s legs, but right before his lips met Yo-chans, the door flung open, and the two child hood friends sprang apart.
Hide stood there for a moment, his hat angled oddly on his head. After what seemed like eternity, hide just laughed and grinned. Lighthearted as always on a good day of practice.
“Well this makes it easier when you’re both here. I wanted to ask you both out for drinks”, hide spoke cheerily, acting as if he hadn’t seen that display.
Toshi almost sighed in relief, nodding and smiling, “Sounds good, what about you Yoshiki?”
Both men turned and looked at Yoshiki. He hadn’t moved. He’d just stayed like that except now he looked vacant. His eyes cloudy, and his brain somewhere else, after a moment he stood up, his arm swinging out to knock over a vase of roses. The blue vase shattered instantly as it crashed into the wall, red roses and green stems littered the floor.
“OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!”, Yoshiki’s scream was damn near earsplitting, and before either hide or Toshi realized what they’d done they both were in the hall…
What had they done? Ran away.
Yoshiki slammed the door shut, while both just stared in horror as they heard the faint click of the lock before blaring music came from beyond the door.
~~~~hide~~~~~
He just wanted to cry. To break down and sob, curl into a little ball and just never have to exist ever again. Why did this always happen? Working up the courage to say it, after years and… Why? When he’d seen them he’d broken, shattered. Dreams, hopes, life… Nothing seemed worth it anymore. “I love you. I love you. I love you… He can NEVER love you as much as I do. I can hold you every night… I can stress about work with you… I share your dream. The dream of X… I share your ambitions and goals… I love you. I love the way you talk, the way you think, and the way you feel… I love your face, arms, hair… everything about you. The way you smile makes me melt. The way you sleep so soundly makes me content… You were meant for me, because no one can make me feel this way but you.”
He’d thought it… his “confession”, as he offered them drinks, grinning as if he was fine, when he really couldn’t ever be okay again., but even still he hadn’t expected Yoshiki’s anger. Did he hate him that much? … but mostly, he was worried for him, even as he laughed to Toshi about Yo-chan’s temper problems as they walked to the bar… he wanted to be with him…
“Everything will be okay Yo-chan”
but not really… but how he wished he could say it instead of drinking away his misery.
~~~End of chapter 3~~~~~
DEAR GOD! hide has horrible luck! But don’t worry people… This is written as a hide/Yoshiki after all!
- 3
- 4
- 5
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I Hate How Much I Love You