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My Heart Breaks	By : dieromantic79 Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 2186 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Note: all my other stories are under the penname LondonzBurning, but I kinda forgot the username/password for that account =/ but u should check em out.

CH. 4

Bam closed and locked the door to the tiny bathroom on the tour bus and slid down to a sitting position. He knew it was pretty late at night by now. He had already jacked off in here after Ville passed out and gone back to his bed to try and sleep. But to no avail. He just kept thinking about him, and now Bam was tense and frustrated to the point of tears. He pulled out his cell phone and debated calling Ryan. He really really didn’t want to. But he really really did. The time on his phone read 3AM and Bam knew they were somewhere in California by now. So calling Ryan at 3AM meant calling Ryan at 3AM and he would be pissed. But he figured being huddled in a small bathroom on a moving bus in the middle of nowhere feeling like he was about to rip his hair out and scream warranted a call. After the first try, Ryan didn’t pick up, as Bam knew he wouldn’t, so he called again. Ryan always picked up on the second try, even if he was angry.
“Do you know what time it fucking is?” Ryan growled after answering.
Bam tried laughing nervously “Uh w-what no hello? No how ya doin Bammie?” he asked innocently. Ryan laughed sleepily on the other end.
“So what happened?” he asked Bam.
“Well…*sniff* not much but…”
“Bam, it’s three in the morning just say what happened.”
‘Damn, he knows me too well!’ Bam thought. ‘Well…three am, sniffly voice, maybe I was kinda obvious.’
“W-well it was more like a series of events…” Bam paused. Ryan waited patiently until Bam took a shaky deep breath and launched into everything that had happened that day.
“So, lemme guess, you think I should go home right?” Bam asked tiredly after finishing the story.
“No, not yet. I think you’re ok.” Ryan answered.
Bam started to raise his voice, knowing no one could hear him over the noise the bus was making, “OK? OK?!? I couldn’t even get through one DAY without breaking down a-and, and-”
“Bam its ok.”
“I can’t take it. I can’t do this…I’ve got so much shit running through my head I wanna fucking explode!”
“I know, I know. Hey listen, remember that blank notebook I told you to pack?” Ryan asked.
Bam sniffed and nodded even though Ryan couldn’t see.
“Y-yeah. I used it to write an apology to Missy…”
“Well you still got it?”
“Yeah…” Bam wondered where-the-fuck he was going with this.
“Ok well… I think you should use it as like a journal thing and you can write down all the frustration and shit your feeling about Ville. Writing is a great way to vent and purge out all the crap driving you crazy.”
Bam thought about it.
“But what if someone finds it? Oh god I couldn’t deal with that Ry…”
“Ok, ok just don’t use his name when you write! That way if anyone snoops through your shit and finds it, they won’t really know.”
“Still…”
Bam was still uneasy about the idea. For so long only Ryan knew his secret. To write it down would almost be like telling a third person.
“Diaries are for little girls, Ry!”
“Pfft. It’s not a fuckin diary, it’s a journal.” Ryan said. But he could sense his friend’s hesitancy.
“Eh…I don’t think I need...” Bam began.
“That dude from Mötley Crüe keeps a journal.” Said Ryan, smiling.
“Nuh uh! Which one?!?” Bam’s voice instantly changed to exited and curious.
“That Nikki Sixx dude.”
“Really? Oh that’s cool…maybe I will then.”
Ryan rolled his eyes. Bam was so easy.
“Ok so start using that and you won’t have to call me at awkward-ass times.”
“Oook…but I can still call you, right?”
“Yeah of course. If it gets bad and the diary isn’t working then call. Or just to hear my wonderful voice, whatever.”
“Heh. Ok thanks Ryan, bye.”
“Bye.”
“Hey wait! I though you said it WASN’T A DIARY!”
But Ryan had already hung up.

Bam decided to get started writing right away since he knew he still wouldn’t be able to sleep. He pulled out his bag from under his bunk; he thankfully had a bottom one and could use the extra space under it for all his crap. Bam pushed the bag back under the space and slid into bed, closing the little privacy curtain. HIM’s bus was pretty nice and new, so they had little night lights above each bunk. Bam pulled out the pen he had wedged in the spirals of the notebook and set out writing.
Careful not to use Ville’s name, Bam relayed everything about the day he had told Ryan into the notebook, but this time he added everything he would never tell Ry. He mentioned all the random feelings that ran through him every time Ville so much as glanced at him, and how each feeling seemed intensified during their conversations. Bam accounted the “almost blowjob” he gotten as well as detailed descriptions of other little things. Like the way his eyes lit up when he laughed, or how his pale chest hit the shadows of the stage perfectly during the show…
After what easily could have been an hour, Bam had no more to add to his stream of conscious ranting, and stopped. Thinking back to what he had written, he knew it didn’t matter whether he used Ville’s name or not. To anyone that found this, it would be painfully obvious who he was talking about. Bam crawled out from his bunk and decided that the notebook would only be safe deep under his mattress, so he could sleep on it. He pushed the notebook as far back into the mattress as he could until his arm was completely submerged under it, and he felt his new journal touch the wall of the bus. Bam took one more nervous look around; everyone was asleep, all the privacy curtains were closed except one. The bed directly in front of Bam’s, also on the bottom, was unoccupied, and he knew it was because Ville was still passed out in the back. Feeling fairly safe with his hiding place, Bam plopped down onto the, suddenly exhausted. But Ryan was right, he felt much better getting rid of all those nagging sexual thoughts about the singer. It was like a huge weight being lifted off him, and although he knew it would be short-lived, his mind was finally clear.

The next day Bam discovered Ryan was right about something else too. California WAS fucking hot. Bam spent most of the afternoon in the back room with Ville, Mige, and a really big-ass fan. They couldn’t put the air conditioner on cus it would kill the engine’s battery to cool such a huge bus for such a long time. (A/N: I don’t know anything about cars so I have no idea if that’s true).
So they sat in front of the fan for a few hours, just sharing stories, until Ville decided he wanted to visit Brian from Placebo and left.
“He just wants to see if their bus is colder.” Mige joked to Bam, “So if they have a shitty fan, he’ll come back here.”
Another hour passed though, and Bam started to feel paranoid and insecure.
‘Why does he like Brian so much more than me?’ he thought.
Bam decided to write down the question along with other stray thoughts, in his notebook. After he was done, he felt much better again and re-read what he had written.
Once Bam was done reading what he had read last night, as well as his new entry, he felt a mixture of embarrassment and nausea.
‘God, if anyone ever read this…I sound like a creepy jealous stalker!’ he laughed a little bit. But he was glad he was getting this out, instead of holding it in.
Bam stowed his notebook away back in its hiding spot, and began to wander aimlessly over to the main stage area so he could watch HIM play. All the remaining band members had already left, so he made the trip alone. Once Bam got to the backstage area, he saw Ville smoking off to the side, watching Placebo onstage. Bam went to go stand next to him and they watched together for a minute until Ville leaned over and said something to him. But they were near some very large amps and Bam had no idea what his angel had even said.
Ville looked at him to see if he had sorta heard him, but Bam pointed to his ear and shrugged. Ville rolled his eyes, and gently pulled Bam’s head closer so he could talk right into his ear.
“Sorry I was gone so long, but Brian really wanted me to watch them play.” Ville said to Bam’s ear. Bam tried to hold back the shiver threatening to rise as Ville’s hot breath tickled his ear and neck. Bam managed a weak nod and a facial expression that he hoped conveyed “no big deal” as he went back to watching the band.
As Placebo finished up, Ville went to go get ready with the rest of his band, leaving Bam to shift around in the uncomfortable heat. Bam finally relented and pulled his own shirt off, stuffing it in his back pocket.
‘Fuck its hot!’ Bam thought. He peered over the huge amp he was leaning on to get a view of the kids on the floor all squished together. ‘Haha! Suckers!’

Halfway into the set, if someone had asked Bam his name, he wouldn’t have been able to answer. Currently, he was far too busy watching a particular droplet of sweat make its way down Ville’s naked chest as he sung Killing Loneliness. Ville was irritated because the mics were acting like shit, so he made sure to give a nasty look to the techie off to the side of the stage during the guitar solo. Bam noticed this and laughed to himself. Even when Ville was trying to look angry he still looked adorable.
Ville darted his eyes off to the side of the stage as he took a drag on his ever-present cigarette. Instead of seeing the bumbling mic tech yelling at a frightened roadie, his eyes found Bam, who smirked at him and made a face. Ville winked at him and flipped him off simultaneously as he stepped back up to the mic to finish the song.
Unbeknownst to Ville, Bam had almost keeled over at this simple gesture.
‘He winked at me! Fuck…that was hot.’ He thought, barely able to contain his smile.
Bam’s grin widened as he imagined jokingly telling Ryan, ‘Yeaahhh so he was pretty much flirting with me like the whole show…’
A few hours later, Bam was in the main sitting area of the bus with the rest of the band as they barreled along to the next city. Somewhere in between their laughing and telling jokes, Mige decided to torment Ville, who had gotten ridiculously sunburned on his arms and shoulders during the concert.
“Ow! Fuck dammit Mikko stopit!” Ville yelled as Mige poked his arm for the millionth time. Bam laughed and joined too.
“Hey this is fun!” he exclaimed, watching the reddened skin turn white, then quickly back to red.
“Haha he’s fucking changing colors!” said Mige as he poked poor Ville again. They finally stopped after Ville tried to put out his cigarette out on Mige’s hand.
“Yeah, yeah fuck you too.” Said Ville as he walked to the back room of the bus.
Bam stayed for awhile to chat with Mige and Gas about random crap, feeling very pleased with himself for not going crazy from just touching Ville’s arm. This was a very big step.
‘Maybe I don’t have it so bad for him after all,’ he mused, ‘Yesterday I woulda sprung a boner from that…maybe I’m getting better!’
But a little voice in the back of his head whispered, “hah! Don’t hold your breath!”
Bam ignored the voice and watched in semi-amusement as Mige and Gas argued about exactly WHO had broken their old laptop from the last tour.
“I was testing it!” Gas muttered defensively.
“By sitting on it? What the fu-” Mige began.
“The guy at the store SAID it was shock proof!”
“God we’ve been through this…” Linde mumbled under his breath
“But not ASS proof!” Mige said.
“…soo many times!” Linde finished, rolling his eyes.
“Ok look,” Gas started, “First of all, you TOLD me it was ok…”
“Um where is the laptop anyway?” Linde asked quietly, trying to steer the conversation away.
“The broken one?” asked Gas
“The NEW one…I kinda wanted to check my email…” Linde trailed off.
“It’s in the back!” piped up Bam. He sprang up out of his seat, feeling like he had too much excess energy. “I’ll go get it!” he announced, glad to give his legs something to do.
He opened the door to the back to find Ville had changed clothes and was on said laptop. Bam gulped, suddenly not feeling so confident now that he was ALONE with him.
‘God ima wimp, what happened to being all better a sec ago?’ Bam asked himself in his head. He kinda wanted to turn around and hide, but he sucked it up and asked, “Hey dude, whats up?”
“Nothin’” Ville said, not looking up from the computer.
“Uh, Linde wants the laptop.” Bam asked, shifting slightly closer.
“Tell him to wait.” Ville answered, still not looking at him.
“How come?” Bam asked before he could stop himself.
“Cus I’m using it.”

‘Duh Bam! You fucking nidiot!’ he thought.
Bam was about to turn and leave, but he noticed Ville’s eyes were fucking GLUED to that screen.
‘What the fuck is so important…’ he wanted to know.

“Oh, so uhh whatcha doing?” Bam asked against his better judgement.
“Watching porn.” Ville replied calmly.

‘Oh, fuck.’ Bam felt his dick harden at just the words.
Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse….
“Wanna watch too?” Ville asked innocently.

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wow haha i love how ryan is like his threapist now. thanks to those who reviewed
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My Heart Breaks