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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
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I try to think I won’t be less of a friend if I feel happy to finally be out of that place. It’s just so depressing. The whole atmosphere screams of hopelessness. I can’t imagine staying there for at least one night. So I’m really relieved we’re finally leaving.
Though Kaoru stayed. Of course he stayed. He’s there all the time. You could come here any time of the day and be almost 100% sure that you’ll find him, unless the visiting hours are over. He’s practically living there now. And it also makes me feel bad for wanting to visit this place as rarely as possible.
Special hospital.
Special hospital my ass!
If you asked me, I’d say it’s like a real nuthouse from a horror movie, just a bit cleaner and more presentable.
I haven’t ever seen so many crazy people in one place. Like, real crazy. Talking or mumbling to themselves, spit dripping slowly out of their mouths and sliding down their chins and necks, walking strangely and trying to touch me with their trembling, skinny and yellowish fingers, or just sitting on a chair and starring intently at the table as if it called their mother a whore. Some of them even look dangerous, glaring at whoever passes by them as if they would really like to kill the annoying interruptions. Some of them even were in straightjackets, because, and I’m pretty sure of it, they would actually do something to the visitors if their hands were free.
Gosh, I’m so happy to get out of there, to see normal people and to breathe fresh air, ‘cause even the air in that place stinks of piss, medicine and old age. I can’t even explain it, but the smell makes me sick, I can’t stand it.
How can Kaoru spend there so much time, I can’t even imagine. He stays there as long as they let him. Every fucking day.
I wish Shinya would really try to make Kaoru be more sensible and not to spend there so much time. He needs to find a job. He’ll soon be broke, if he keeps this up. Of course, he must have quite a fortune still, but to keep a flat in Tokyo is far from a cheap luxury. And it’s not only the money. He needs to find a job so that he could occupy his mind with some other things. He’ll go crazy himself if he’ll keep this up for longer. He needs to let go.
I sight and Die immediately glances at me, looking worried. He wouldn’t be worried if he knew what I was thinking right now. He'd be angry at me and disappointed, because right now I’m glad to be leaving that place, to be leaving Kaoru and… and Kyo behind…
Suddenly tears were stuck in my throat, threatening to burst out with sobs and I lean a bit, trying to suppress them. I flinch as I feel somebody touching my shoulder, but as I turn, I meet Die’s concerned eyes.
“Are you ok, Totchi?” he asks and I manage to nod. He rubs my back with his hand a bit and keeps silent until we finally reach his car. When we're finally inside, I buckle up and immediately reach for my cigarette pack, left in the glove compartment. But Die catches my hand in the air and gently squeezes. Our fingers intertwine and I have nothing else to do but turn my head and look at him.
"I know how you must be feeling right now, Totchi. I'm not the happiest person on earth either. But we have to see a good side in all of this. At least he's alive."
"Alive? Have you seen him, Die?! Can you call that state he's in being alive?!"
I roughly pull out my hand out of his and finally grab my cigarettes, lighting up one and inhaling deeply.
Kyo's like a zombie. I can't find another word that would best suit him these days. He's just a pile of meat and bones that can't do anything on its own. He doesn't react to anything at all. Even if they try to get out a reaction form him and pinch him repeatedly, Kyo shrinks back, but doesn't move away unless somebody takes him by his hand and shows him to move back so that the pinching would stop.
He's... Kyo is worse than dead...
"Totchi..."
I hear Die's voice again, but I don't want to look at him right now. I'm a horrible person. If he knew the things that I was thinking, he would be disgusted with me. He'd be disgusted...
"I've lived with him, Die... I've lived with him for almost two years in the beginning. I really think of him as one of my closest friends. But I... but I wish he'd... I wish he would have better died instead of being like he is now... for the rest of his life..."
There, I said it.
My head falls down on its own, I close my eyes and rub them, trying to hide the tears, but a few of them still escape. My hands trembling badly, I can barely hold a cigarette in my shaky fingers.
It wasn't the first time we visited Kyo in this place, but up until today I tried not to think about it. I waited until Kyo would try to recognize things, voices, people. Until he would start to smile, or cry, or just show any emotion on his face. He was going through some therapy there, he was pumped with drugs every day. There had to be some kind of improvement soon.
But Kaoru said today what the doctors finally came to agree upon.
Kyo's state of mind was damaged severely. There was barely any chance for him to get better. He most probably would remain like this for the rest of his life. Doctors didn't really know what was wrong with him and how to treat him.
"It's not fair, Die..." my voice breaks and I shrink back in my seat much further. "To see him like this... Kyo of all people, being like this..."
I feel Die's hand taking my hand again and this time both of his palms enclose my hand, so that I wouldn't be able to escape him this time.
"I know, Totchi."
His voice is so soft and so gentle. And so full of sadness.
We sit like this for some time until I calm down more or less and he starts driving.
We don't talk. What could we possibly talk about? It's too painful to even think about it. And to voice it out loud would inevitably mean to accept it as the truth. As reality.
I could never imagine how Kaoru must feel right now. How he was feeling since the day they found him.
Kaoru never left his side unless somebody told him he had to go. Does he still have hopes?
I think he does. Otherwise he would be much more devastated. He still thinks, hopes, that Kyo can get better. And who am I to tell him that he's wrong? He doesn't even believe in what doctors say.
I want him to get out of that place, to get his life back, to start living, not slaving around Kyo's mindless body in that depressing place.
Die glances at me for a moment, and then turns to the road again. He's worried. For me. For Kaoru. For Kyo.
What would I do if I were in Kaoru's place? If it was Die in that bed, in that nuthouse instead of Kyo?
I put my forehead against the cool surface of the window and close my eyes for a moment.
My heart would break. I wouldn't leave his side. I wouldn't let him rot in that horrible place all alone until the end of his days, even if he'd only be a bag of meat and bones with no emotions and thoughts and nothing else at all.
"I love you, Die. I love you so much it hurts" I say to him for the second time in my life, because I want to make sure he really knows this. He has to know this.
I can't see his face, but I hear him inhale deeply and sharply.
"I love you too, Toshiya. With all my heart."
And this is why I can't tell Kaoru to let go. Because I know he wouldn't. Was I in his place, I wouldn't let go either.
If I can leave my friend Kyo there, and go on with my life, I would never even think of leaving Die in such a place.
Never.
TBC
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Blurry Days