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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Chapter 4
The next day Kyo was late but Kaoru didn’t say a word about it. Other guys were already there so they started the usual work. When a break came, Kaoru left saying he had to give their manager some documents. Kyo thought it was a perfect opportunity to talk to the others.
-Hey, guys, can I have a word with you? –he asked.
-Sure, -Toshiya answered and other two also turned to look at him.
-About yesterday… I don’t want you to start hating Kaoru. I feel that you are more on my side than his…
-Well, he’s the wrong one here, so it’s obvious why we are on your side, -Die interrupted.
-That’s what I want to talk about. It’s our business, we’re both to blame for bringing our problems to work. I promised to Kaoru to never talk about it again and he will do the same. I want to ask you guys also to forget everything.
-But Kyo… -Shinya started to protest.
-It’s OK. Everything’s over and we just need to forget it. We won’t get into fights because of it any more.
Everyone was silent for a while. Kyo finally decided to say something:
-How’s your teeth today, Shinya?
-Better, thanks.
-Well, I’d better go and get a cup of coffee until the brake hasn’t ended, -Kyo said and went away. The others just stared at each other not saying anything.
***
Kyo kept his promise. He didn’t even mention his relationship with Kaoru anymore. They both acted as if there was nothing between them. Kaoru seemed to go on easily. But for Kyo everything was much more difficult. He knew he needed time to get himself free from the love he still felt for their leader but it was difficult to do. He was seeing Kaoru every day. He was hearing his voice, looking at his beautiful face with that little hump on his nose, seeing him smile or being in the pouts about something they did not do properly. Kyo knew he was not getting anywhere. He was afraid that he’ll be stuck loving Kaoru for as long as he’ll be near him.
Shinya tried to comfort him, but Kyo asked him not to talk about Kaoru anymore. He still liked it when Shinya came over with the dessert, but all they talked now was work or other unimportant stuff.
The work was progressing. They will soon start the recording of their new album. That only meant a lot of hard work. Especially for Kyo. But he did not complain. He even thought that being busy might help him not to think about Kaoru all the time.
As time went by, Kyo got used to the idea that he lost Kaoru for good. The finality of their breaking up was very hard for him to accept. But months went by and nothing changed. Kaoru got over him very easily.
Kyo knew it was exactly three months and fourteen days. Three months and fourteen days. He knew Kaoru wasn’t coming back but he still loved him. Kyo managed to learn to live with this feeling though it did not do any good for him.
He didn’t know what others were thinking now about all this. They agreed not to talk about it and Kyo wasn’t going to break this agreement. Die was again his old self. Teasing Shinya even with a bigger passion than before. Toshiya gradually started to be friends with Kaoru again and forgot the anger that had grown up because of Kaoru’s behavior towards Kyo. They were in good terms with each other again. Shinya’s teeth were as new and the fight did not leave any remainders on his gentle-looking face. And Kaoru was as bossy as ever though he did not loose his temper so easily and shout on then any more. At least that was a good turn in the events.
-I finally know the date when the recording starts, -Kaoru announced suddenly entering the room. Everyone turned to look at him. –It’s exactly after three weeks.
-Well, I’m glad to hear that, -Toshiya said. –We delayed it for so long.
-Yes, but now there won’t be any more postponements. Kyo, be careful and try not to catch a cold.
-I know, I know, -Kyo brushed his warning aside. –I’ll be ready as always.
-You don’t sound too spellbound about it, -Die said.
-It’s like all the other recordings, -Kyo shrugged. –Why should this one be any special?
-Show at least a bit of enthusiasm! –Toshiya smiled.
Kyo just shrugged. Suddenly the phone rang. It was Kaoru’s.
-Moshi moshi, -he picked it up. –Yes, it’s me… Hai… Hai… That’s all? Should I bring some cherry-pie or something like that? … Ok, sure… Bye!
He put the phone aside and looked up.
-Sorry for the interruption. That was my girlfriend, forgot to give me the list of goods she wants me to buy.
-You’ve got a girlfriend? –Toshiya asked in astonishment.
-Yes, can’t I have one?
-No, you can, but… you never told us! -Toshiya accused.
-I never did because it’s not your business. We don’t know if you have a girlfriend, for instance. Or if Shinya has one.
-Shinya is so in love with me that he doesn’t look at the girls, -Die laughed. Shinya looked at him angrily but did not say anything. They soon were occupied with work again.
With the tail of his eye Shinya noticed that neither Kaoru nor Kyo were looking at each other. Kaoru pretended he already forgot the phone call. Kyo pretended he did not care. When the working hours ended, Kyo hurried out immediately with just ‘bye’ to the others.
***
He knew this would have happened sooner or later. He knew. But still that didn’t help him. Kyo thought that there was nothing that could hurt him more. But he was so wrong.
Only the thought that somebody else could touch Kaoru was terrible. But now that somebody not even touched him, but hugged him, kissed him, and most probably made love to him…
Kyo dropped an empty can of beer on the floor and lit a cigarette. It was already dark in the room but he didn’t bother to turn on the light. He didn’t care about anything in the world. He hated the world. Why did he have to loose Kaoru? Why somebody else could have him but not Kyo?
He’s got a girlfriend. After three months of their split up.
No, perhaps it was much too earlier if he’s already buying products for her. Perhaps he already had someone while they were still together?
Kyo felt the tears running down his cheeks. He was crying again. He tried not to do that and he succeeded. He managed not to cry for almost a month. But now he just couldn’t hold them back. He hated himself for it but couldn’t do anything.
He was so lonely. Kaoru was the first thing he remembered in the morning, the first person his eyes sought at work, the only one he thought about until he got to bed and fell asleep.
And now some filthy woman was holding Kaoru in her embrace.
Kyo threw the cigarette in the ashtray and screamed with all his strength letting out the pain. But suddenly he choked and took himself by the throat. Kyo lost his balance and fell off the chair. He could barely take a breath. He managed to do that after several frantic breaths and inhaled deeply. For some time he just laid on the floor trying to make his breathing normal and calm himself. But he was so scared…
Kaoru, where are you when I need you so badly?
Ka-o-ru…
***
-Hey! That’s a new Miyavi song! Leave it on! –Toshiya exclaimed as Die wanted to turn off the radio.
-He’s a fucking pop singer! –Die said disgusted.
-No, I think he’s so cool, -Toshiya giggled. –I haven’t heard this song before, let me listen!
Toshiya sat near the radio with the smile on his face.
-I like his tattoos so much!
-Kyo’s also got tattoos, why don’t you like him? And he’s not a stupid pop singer.
-But Miyavi’s so pretty! And wild!
-Enough of this nonsense, -Kaoru interrupted and turned the radio off.
-Oh, please, PLEASE…
-No, we’ve got work to do, -Kaoru cut him off.
-Is it the only word you know? –Toshiya asked angrily.
-No. Here’s another one for you - now.
Toshiya stood up and strode angrily to his place.
-Now, we need to… -Kaoru started talking, but suddenly stopped. Everyone looked where Kaoru was looking and saw that Kyo was sitting at the table… asleep.
-Kyo! KYO! –Kaoru shouted and the vocalist opened his eyes. –I thought that your era of sleeping everywhere and anytime was over. What’s wrong with you? What did you do last night?
-Nothing.
-Kyo, your voice sounds funny, -Shinya suddenly said with a worried look on his face. –Are you all right?
Kyo nodded.
-You look a bit pale, -Shinya persisted. –Are you sure you feel fine?
-Yes.
-Leave him alone, Shin-chan, -Die said. –I might get jealous.
-Shut up.
-Oh, little Shin-chan got angry, -Die laughed. –If I’ll be dead tomorrow you’ll know whose job it was.
Toshiya and Kaoru laughed but Shinya was not amused at all.
-Shut up, Die. That’s enough already.
-Ok, love, just don’t throw plates at me!
Shinya stood up and for a moment it looked like he was going to scream or throw something at Die, but instead he just went out.
-Stop it Die, ok? –Kyo said. –Don’t tease him, you know it gets on his nerves.
-It’s not my fault he’s too sensitive.
-What if he’d really be in love with you? –Kyo asked. –You’d hurt him so much without knowing it.
-What? I… -Die looked completely shocked and serious suddenly.
-I’m not saying he is, -Kyo added. –Actually I know nothing about his love life. But he’s always so nice to you and how do you pay him back?
-He’s nice with everyone, -Die muttered.
-So it doesn’t mean that you can make fun of him because he doesn’t say a word about it.
-I… he…
-Well, Kyo’s right, -Kaoru spoke up. –You should stop this childish habit of yours one day. It’s not funny any more.
-I didn’t do anything wrong now!
-But it was all it took for his patience to finally end up, -Kyo said. –You say things like that almost every day. Everyone would run out of patience. And I think Shinya’s been very patient with you.
-You know, your voice really sounds strange.
-Don’t change the subject, Die!
-Ok! I’ll just go and apologize! Happy now?
Nobody said anything so Die just went out and looked around for Shinya. He saw the other man standing at the coffee machine his back to Die. Die came up to him and lightly touched his shoulder. He felt Shinya tense immediately.
-Ano… Shinya, I didn’t want to offend you. If I did, please, don’t be angry with me. I’m sorry.
Shinya didn’t say anything. Die walked in front of him and was surprised to see that Shinya tried to avoid his eyes.
-What’s wrong? Shinya?
Die stepped closer to the other man and suddenly froze. Shinya was crying. Die has never seen him cry. As long as he knew him, he’s never seen him cry. Not once. Never.
-Shinya, what’s wrong? Is it because of what I said? Shinya?
Die took Shinya’s hand in his because Shinya wanted to burry his face into them. So Die held them tight and forced Shinya to look in his face.
-Leave me alone…
-Shinya, please…
-‘Please’ what? What do you want?
-I want you to tell me what’s wrong.
-Everything’s fine! Leave me alone!
Shinya tried to pull his hands from Die’s grasp, but Die did not let go. So Shinya just stood there crying silently. His eyes were already red. Die looked at him for some time then decided that he should do something. He let go one of Shinya’s hands and gently stoked his cheek brushing away the tears. Shinya tried to move away so Die leaned closer to him trying not to let go. Shinya pulled his hand stronger this time and Die leaned forward loosing his balance. He embraced Shinya’s neck with one hand and found himself staring at Shinya’s eyes. He could see the wet eyelashes and dark sad eyes. Die didn’t even noticed as his lips lightly brushed Shinya’s ones.
Suddenly Die felt that Shinya pushed him back with such a force that he hit the coffee machine and almost fell down. Shinya looked horrified at him for a moment then turned around and ran towards the men’s toilet. When he disappeared outside the door Die straightened himself and just stood there looking at the spot where Shinya vanished.
***
Shinya returned to the room almost after half an hour. His eyes looked a bit red but that was all. He looked like nothing have happened. Die tried to seek his eyes but Shinya just ignored him. After the work he hurried away not even looking back. Die wanted to catch up with him but changed his mind. He didn’t know what he could say to him. Shinya made it clear that he didn’t want to talk to him.
Die joined Kyo and Toshiya and they went to a parking lot. Kaoru stayed for a bit longer today.
-Kyo, are you really feeling fine? –Toshiya asked.
-Yes, why are you asking?
-Well, your voice really sounds strange and you look so tired.
-I’ve just got less sleep than usually, you know that it affects me much.
-If you say so…
-Well, see you guys! –Die said as he headed to his car.
-Bye!
-Ja neee..
Everyone drove away. Kyo hoped he wouldn’t fall asleep while driving. His throat still hurt and he was happy that he didn’t have to sing today. He considered going to the doctor but decided to wait a bit longer. He didn’t have time for doctors now and he was in no mood going there anyway.
Kyo wondered where would Kaoru go. Maybe to his new girlfriend. Kyo couldn’t stop thinking about it now that he knew. The jealousy drove him mad and he couldn’t do anything about it.
Kyo sighted and tried to focus on the road. These kind of thoughts never led to anything good.
***
Next day Die was totally at a loss. Shinya ignored him and didn’t even look at his side. It was obvious that he was still angry. Kyo was in extremely bad mood about something and barely said a word. Toshiya was just lazy and Kaoru his usual self.
-There’s so much to do before we start the recording of the album, -Kaoru complained.
-We should go out together before starting to work really hard, -Toshiya suggested.
-Yeah, that would be nice, just the five of us, -Die agreed.
-Maybe, -Kaoru looked like he had to think about it first.
-You just need an excuse to go out to drink, -Shinya snarled.
-What’s with your attitude? –Toshiya asked. –Even Kaoru thinks it’s a good idea!
-I still remember the last time, -Shinya just said.
-Well, we’ll defend you, Shin-chan, don’t worry, -Die reassured him.
-I don’t need your protection! –Shinya shot back at him.
-It was just a friendly suggestion, calm down, Shin-chan.
Shinya just sniffed.
-Kao… ru…
Everyone turned to look at Kyo because it was he who murmured the name. But it appeared that Kyo was asleep.
-Should we wake him up, Kaoru?
Kaoru just looked at Kyo with a strange expression in his eyes.
-Kaoru!
-What?
-Should we wake him?
-No, let him sleep. It worries me because he doesn’t look well these days and I might say he looks even depressed about something…
-He really looks tired, -Shinya added. –It would be useful for him to have a good rest before the recording. It’s always so much pressure to him.
-Yeah…
Everyone was silent for some time, then Shinya probably remembered that he was angry with Die so he turned to the other side and got back to his work. But Kyo didn’t wake up soon so they had to wake him up and Kyo didn’t look pleased about having to go back to work.
-Well, it’s so late already, I think we should finish for today, -Kaoru said at the end of the day’s work.
-You think? –Die asked. –It’s almost 11 o’clock!
-Will you stop complaining once? –Shinya asked angrily. –We’re all tired, not only you.
Die didn’t say anything just looked at Shinya who was already putting on his coat.
-Bye! –Toshiya waved and went away.
-Shinya, can you stay a bit, please? –Kaoru asked. –I need to talk to you.
-Ok.
Kyo went out not even saying goodbye and Die followed him closing the door.
-So, what is it, Kaoru.
-I wanted to ask you if you know what’s wrong with Kyo.
-What do you mean?
-He looks so depressed lately, falls asleep so often at work and he looks like he’s sick.
-How should I know what’s wrong with him?
-You seem to spend a lot of time together…
-We’ve been working so much lately that I didn’t have a chance to visit him. And anyway, why are you asking me this? Ask Kyo!
-He was dreaming about me, he said my name in his sleep. I don’t want to talk to him if he’s still not over me.
-If? Of course he’s not over you! Are you blind? He’s been depressed since your girlfriend called. Does it say anything to you?
-Yeah, it does…
-I worry about him too, -Shinya sighted. –But he has to try and forget you by himself.
-But he looks sick to me! It can’t be because of me!
-You’re right, it can’t. But I have no idea what’s wrong with him. He says he lacks sleeping. Maybe it’s the problem.
-Maybe…
There was a pause of silence then Kaoru suddenly said:
-I also wanted to ask what’s wrong with you.
-What do you mean?
-Why are you angry with Die? Why do you keep pestering him?
-What?!
-It looks as if you even hate him.
-I can be angry with him if I want! He deserves it!
-Don’t be childish, Shinya.
-I’m childish? What about him? He’s acting like a stupid brat and I’m the one who’s childish? You know what? I’ll hate him as long as I like! I’ll hate him with all my heart!
-Don’t be stupid, Shinya! Die hasn’t done anything wrong!
-Shut up, Kaoru! SHUT UP!
Shinya stormed out leaving Kaoru speechless because the timid and silent Shinya have just bawled him out. Kaoru didn’t understand anymore what was going on in his band.
***
Shinya regretted loosing his temper when he already was in his car driving home. He knew Die was acting like always, he didn’t do anything unusual but he just couldn’t take all of this any more.
He didn’t know why he reacted so sensitively when Die started to tease him that day. Maybe because he was so tired lately, and Kyo really worried him, and Miyu was sick, and he was late paying taxes this month, and he wanted to sleep all the weekend, and the work seemed never to end, and Die was constantly nagging him. Shinya just had to go out and calm himself down. But then…
Shinya closed his eyes for a second and the image of Die’s face just few centimeters away from his sprang to his mind. Die’s eyes looking intensely at his, suddenly leaning so close that…
Shinya opened his eyes and whispered:
-He kissed me…
He kissed me. He kissed me. It was a kiss. Even though it was an accident. Or perhaps it was just some way of making fun of me. But still, he kissed me…
Shinya couldn’t forget it though he tried hard to do so. He said hundreds of times to himself that Die had no interest in him. Die was straight, Die liked to make fun of him because he thought that Shinya was weak and feminine like. Die would never fall for Shinya.
Shinya always managed not to have any hopes about him. He lived loving Die for so long now that he got used to it. He never expected anything and he was not going to confess to Die. Never. He would not survive the humiliation. Die would either laugh or start hating him with a bigger passion than he does now.
But this accident was a huge shock to Shinya. He couldn’t now stop thinking about Die’s lips on his, about his warm body, about his beautiful dark brown eyes…
Shinya understood Kyo too well. Though for Kyo it had to be even harder because he was with Kaoru for almost a year and had to suddenly stop loving him because Kaoru decided so. Shinya had only Die’s teasing.
-Stop it! It’s not doing you any good! –Shinya scolded at himself.
Don’t think about that stupid red-haired punk. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’m so stupid…
Shinya felt that his hands started to tremble. He knew tears were almost out but he tried to focus on driving. He just wanted to get home as soon as possible, go to bed and not to think about anything.

TBC

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Until You Lose Your Breath