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Vodka Cranberry	By : copperboom Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Rammstein Views: 1771 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know Rammstein or any of their members. I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
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THAT’S A BINGO
            As we pulled up to the gate I imagined my housemates in the seating area at the top of the double staircase with binoculars. I rolled down my window and punched in the code to open the gate then moved forward. The others were close behind us and would be along any minute so I went right up to the house. The front door didn’t fly open as I expected it to. Richard and I grabbed a few bags and went inside. The foyer was large, open, with the double staircase to the left and right. To the right of the stairs was the theatre. I was now glad for the oversized chairs we had put in there. To the left was the library. Behind the stairs to the let was the family room and the door to the basement. To the right was the dining room, then through that, the kitchen.
            I led Richard back to the kitchen. There I found Chrissy and Melissa peeling and cutting potatoes. Alas! They followed instruction! When they saw me, and who I was with, Chrissy nearly peeled skin off her finger, and Missy almost chopped a finger off.
            “You weren’t lying,” Chrissy mumbled, staring.
            “No, you weren’t,” Missy added, in as much awe as Chrissy.
            I set my bag down on the island and turned to Richard.
            “These are my housemates, Chrissy and Melissa,” I introduced them, gesturing respectively.
            “Hello. I am Richard Z Kruspe. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard many sordid lies about you,” he said, looking at me with a cheeky grin. I smacked his arm again as he moved to shake hands with them.
            “He’s probably right,” I admitted, watching him shake Chrissy’s hand.
            “That doesn’t surprise me,” Melissa said flashing a bright smile, turning on her irresistible charm for our guest. When the doorbell chimed, the two other women froze.
            “That will be the others,” I said and went to greet them. I was followed by the ducklings all in a row to the door. As the men filed in, they shook hands with Melissa then Chrissy, who were gawking, tongue tied. They pretty much stood there moistening their panties. I could tell. They had the universal ‘jizz in my pants’ face on. It got worse when Schneider and Ollie, respectively, made their greetings. Melissa coveted Schneider (she had a thing for drummers) and Chrissy coveted Ollie (she had a thing for cats, but Melissa and I only allowed one per human, so you know. Yeah. It was Ollie)
            “Ok, now that’s done, everyone to the car to carry bags and boxes, and we can get this shit started,” I instructed.
            “No,” Richard defied me. “You’re bossy.”
            “Yes, otherwise some things wouldn’t ever get done,” I replied. “So if you all wish to eat, you will help.”
            “Shut up before I eat you,” Chrissy smacked the back of my head.
            “Oooh, bitch! You’re asking for it now! Just you wait,” I taunted her.
            It only took a couple of trips with all the help, so I went out to the patio, which was right off the kitchen, and fired up the grill. As I came back inside, I was surprised to find the guys helping finish prepare the potatoes, veggies, etc. I then unwrapped the steaks and began seasoning them. The breakfast nook was overflowing with all of the liquor.
            “Where does all of this go,” Till asked me.
            “Downstairs. I’ll show you.”
            He, Richard and Paul all grabbed a something, as did I, and followed me downstairs to the bar. I showed them how my ‘system’ worked, then left them to their duty as I went back upstairs to check on things.
            “Did you get the brownies frosted yet,” I asked to my general audience.
            “Nope. Thought you’d like to do that,” Missy told me.
            “Probably for the best,” I said to her sweetly. She threw a chunk of potato at me.
            “Bitch, I’m about to boil some candy making shit and I have no problem burning you, you hear me,” I teased.
            “Go for it,” she shot back.
            “No, I think I’d have to stop that before it happened,” Schneider winked at her.
            “Dude. Get in my way, and I’ll get you too,” I threatened him.
            “Who’s getting in your way love?” Richard had come back upstairs.
            “No one yet,” I said, glaring at Missy and her newfound pal.
            I got out a sauce pan, measured all the ingredients, then let it melt and boil. Richard had chosen to lean against the counter right next to where I stood and kept nicking chocolate chips. I smacked his hand every time he took one, but he must’ve like it, because he continued until I made him fetch me the bag to refill the measuring cup he’d made a dent in. The veggie cutter crew had them all ready to go either in foil for the grill, or to be put into the ratatouille, then helped carry trays of food to the grill.
            “Oooh! You have a pool,” exclaimed Paul.
            “Oooh! That’s a bingo,” I teased him.
            Chrissy kindly told him, “Yes and there are swimming trunks and towels in the pool house, if anyone wants a swim, that is.”
            Mostly everyone agreed with the exception of Melissa, who had to grill as I would surely burn my face off. I declined, because I was going to make food for Flake and a couple other desserts. Doom declined, much to my surprise, and stayed back to chat with Melissa. Richard looked at me like a kid in a candy store.
            “Well go silly,” I told him. “I have cooking to do.”
            He kissed me then went off to join Chrissy’s tour group.
            “NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM CHRISSY,” I hollered.
            Her middle finger rose as she walked away from me. I went back into the kitchen, and threw together the ratatouille. Then I made a German chocolate cake, and an apple spice cake. I set timers for them all, as the baking times were all different of course, then brought them outside with me and took a seat at the café table right outside the patio doors. I could at least watch all the fun this way. Till, Richard, Paul and Oliver were shouting and splashing water at each other with the pool water guns. Chrissy and Flake were on mesh loungers chatting. Not to my surprise. She was sickeningly human at her best. Paul was the first to notice me watching them. He filled his pool gun and aimed it at me.
            “Do it and I will poison you,” I said sternly.
            “I’ll take my chances.” He had the most evil smile on his face.
            All four of them aimed at me. I ran for it, then tripped over my own feet falling on my face. “Son of a bitch” I hollered. ‘That was smooth move you idiot’, I thought to myself. Most of them laughed at my demise, including my two so-called friends. Richard jumped out of the water and hurried over to me, careful not to fall himself.
            “Jesus! Are you ok,” he asked concerned.
            “Oh I’m fine, but my ego took a beating,” I said, my cheeks flushing in embarrassment.
            “You’re knee is bleeding,” he stated, putting his hands on either side, examining my wound.
            “Tis but a scratch,” Chrissy had gotten out too, apparently to make fun of me.
            “Indeed it is, John Cleese, though I don’t recall asking your opinion,” I snapped.
            She made a face then flipped me off before turning back to the pool.
            “In any case, you should clean it up,” Melissa told me, always the mother.
            “Fine,” I conceded.
            I got my ass up off the concrete with Richard’s help and he followed me to the half bath behind the foyer stairs. There he instructed me to sit down as he searched the medicine cabinet.
            “You don’t have to do this,” I told him.
            “No, but I got you alone, didn’t I,” he replied, proud smile on his face.
            “Very nice,” I congratulated him, grinning like an idiot.
            He gingerly dabbed at my bloody flesh with an alcohol soaked cotton ball, then gently blew on it. My whole body tingled. ‘Do it again! Do it again!’ the voice in my head screamed. He opened the bandage, then laughed upon seeing it’s design. Though we were grown women, we preferred Hello Kitty bandages to the boring flesh-colored ones. He then got down on his knees and placed the bandage carefully, and laid a gentle kiss on top of it.
            “There love. You’re all better,” he said softly, looking up at me.
            I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him to me, nearly knocking us both over. He braced his arms on the wall behind me and let his mouth go. My hands groped at his waist, fumbling to untie his swim trunks.
            “Hoolech” came a barfing sound from behind him. Melissa was standing there.
            “Your timers are going off,” she told me, then quickly walked away.
            I stood up then, and followed my caretaker to the kitchen where I told him to go back out and play with the boys.
            “Crisis averted,” I heard him announce to everyone.
            I took out the cakes, which were ready, setting them on cooling racks then leaving the ratatouille, which wasn’t, then went back outside and sat down. Melissa and Schneider were both by the grill chatting. You could practically see the drool on the corners of her mouth.
            “Why don’t you join us,” Till asked me grinning.
            “Because you fuckers gave me a boo-boo,” I answered.
            “No, you did that to yourself,” Oliver pointed out.
            He and Chrissy high fived as he had joined her and Flake on a lounger. The rest of them begged me to join them. I continued to complain and make excuses until finally Till said, “Stop being a pussy and get in here.”
            By this time Melissa and Doom were paying attention to what was going on. She, Chrissy, and I immediately broke out with, ‘You have a pussy! I have a dick-ah! So what’s the problem? Let’s do it quick!’, hand gestures and all. This was common anytime the word ‘pussy’ was used. Our guests found this quite amusing and laughed like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. Then I decided I would join them, and went inside and up to my room and changed. On my way back through the kitchen I grabbed a bratwurst that had been neglected somehow, and placed it strategically in my bikini bottom, then wrapped my towel around my waist. I strutted out to the pool, making sure I had everyone’s attention. Then, I dramatically pulled my towel away, thrust out my pelvis and announced, ‘Das ist Mein Teil’! Everyone burst out in laughter, even Flake!
            “Christ on a cracker,” Chrissy said exasperated.
“What? You don’t think I’m funny?”
I grabbed the bratwurst and flung it at her.
“Bazinga!”
Hit her square on the nose! She screamed and fell off her lounger dramatically. No matter. Victory was mine! When she emerged from the water she sputtered, “You’re lucky this pool doesn’t get deeper than your shoulders, or I’d push you in and watch you drown.”
“Twat? I cunt hear you,” I told her. She in turn flipped me off.
“You can’t swim,” Paul laughed, making fun of me.
“No. I’m a hot tub kind of girl,” I said as I flipped him off and slipped in the water. “I can kind of swim, if I have to, but I don’t in front of people. It’s embarrassing.”
I had grabbed one of the pool water guns on my way in without anyone noticing, then shot Paul right in the face. He raised the one he held, and aimed, but before he could hit me, Richard put himself in front of me, back to Paul.
“Not today, fucker. She’s had enough,” Richard defended me.
“She’s never had enough. It’s nice to see her whooped for once,” Chrissy retorted. Thankfully, Ollie grabbed her hand and she promptly shut up.
“I think it’s about beer-thirty,” I said checking my non-existent watch. “In all the excitement, I forgot to be drinking.”
“Food’s ready,” shouted Melissa. Perfect. I retrieved the ratatouille from the oven as it was done, then I tread carefully down the patio stairs to make myself a drink at the bar, and one for Richard too. After taking them back up to the patio table, I took orders from everyone, deciding to play nice.
“Not everyone likes their drinks as strong as you,” Melissa reminded me as I went back down the stairs.
“Yes mother.”
Once I’d finished serving drinks, I took my seat between Richard and Till. I felt safe, like I knew they’d protect me if any of those assholes tried to fuck with me again, they’d take care of it. It was an awesome feeling. Thankfully, everyone got on well, laughing and telling stories. It was almost like we were all very old friends.
**NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED ON ALL POP CULTURE REFERENCES**
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