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A Sense of Betrayal	By : white-tiger Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Rasmus Views: 926 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Rasmus. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
4. A Touch of Love
I sigh as I look out of the bus window, the bright sun shining through. It's been 5 months since I got my eyesight back, since the night I confronted Aki. After he left I phoned Pauli who came round. I told him everything that had been going on and he was just as shocked as me but he stayed and we spent the night just talking about everything, even Janne. The next morning I went to see the doctor who said that everything was back to normal with my eyesight and there shouldn't be any more problems with it but wanted me to call if there was anything worrying me or anything abnormal happened with it. After I left him I went home, packed my stuff up and got on a plane.
Pauli had agreed that I could come and stay with him for a while until I got my head sorted a bit more and wanted me to go back with him but I couldn't wait that long. I stayed in a hotel for a while until he returned and then moved into his house with him. After about a month I began to get the feeling that I was outstaying my welcome, I guess it was hard for him and his wife having me mooching around the house. Pauli suggested that I talk to Aki or Eero but I firmly told him that I didn't even want to hear their names let alone their voices. It was then that he went a bit sheepish and told me that Eero was flying over as we speak and would be there in a couple of hours. Within an hour I was packed and gone.
I decided to travel around, see some of the beauty of the world and make the most of being able to see again. I kept in touch with Pauli but only on the condition he doesn't mention Aki or Eero to me. He did once, refused to listen when I told him I didn't want to hear about them so I hung up the phone on him and didn't call him for almost a month. He got the hint after that. I don't ever tell him where I am, I don't trust him not to tell and I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time. I must admit that sometimes I get lonely being by myself especially as everyone else I meet seems to be in couples but in a way I kind of prefer it, at least I know I’m not going to be lied to or betrayed again.
I glance down the bus knowing that we should be going soon, another tour, another tourist spot. I do a different one every day, it's a good way to see all the magical places that the country I’m in at the time has to offer. I can see someone walking down the bus looking for somewhere to sit. It's strange because most of the people that do the tours seem to be older couples, couples that have retired, it's not often you get anyone younger than 40 on one and even rarer that you get someone alone. I look back out of the window again quickly as he nears me, cursing silently to myself as he stops.
“Is anyone sitting here?” he asks.
I look at him seeing him point to the seat, the hope on his face unmistakable. As much as I don't want company I've been in the same situation as him, forced to sit next to some 60 year old woman who wouldn't stop talking about her grand-kids, her kids, her pets, her neighbours, her old job. I honestly never knew it was possible for one person to talk so much about so little.
“No,” I say quietly as I shake my head.
“Do you mind?” he asks.
I give him a small smile and shake my head again.
“Thank you,” he says relieved as he quickly sits down, “I thought I was going to have to sit next to Mrs. Harrison again. She's a nice enough woman but if I have to hear about her hip replacement again I might end up jumping off the cliff.”
I let out a small laugh before quickly stopping. It sounds weird coming out my mouth and that's when I realise it's been a long while since I have laughed.
“I'm Michael,” he says holding out his hand.
“Lauri,” I reply shaking it.
“Unusual name,” he says interestedly.
“Finnish,” I reply.
He smiles and nods before finding something interesting in his bag to look at. I hope I didn't sound rude to him but I’m grateful that he realised that I’m not in the mood for talking. I can see out of the corner of my eye as he pulls a book out of his bag and starts reading. We spend the journey in silence.
I look out over the valley, it feels like I’m standing at the top of the world with the sun shining down on me, the gentle breeze blowing across my skin. The view is so beautiful that it fills me with a peaceful feeling but slowly the smile drops off my face. I wouldn't be seeing this if they had their way, I'd still be blind, in the darkness and being used to hide their secret.
I hear a click behind me jolting me out of my trance and turn around to see Michael standing behind me with a camera and an apologetic look on his face.
“Sorry,” he says gently, “I didn't mean to disturb you, you just had this expression on your face...”
“It's OK,” I sigh turning back around.
I hear him walk towards me before stopping next to me.
“I was just appreciating the view,” I sigh again.
“It is beautiful,” he says gently.
“I never thought I’d see anything like this again,” I say quietly seeing him look over at me curiously, “I had a car accident almost a year ago and lost my sight. Luckily it came back 5 months ago which is why I decided to travel and see as much as I could.”
“You're not with anyone?” he asks.
I look over at him.
“I mean travelling with anyone,” he smiles gently, “I thought maybe you found yourself alone today. You don't get many people travelling alone.”
I smile at him.
“No,” I say, “I'm on my own.”
He smiles at me before looking out over the view. We stand there both lost in our thoughts before we hear the tour guide trying to gather everyone up.
“I don't mean to be pushy,” he starts as we slowly walk back to the bus, “and would completely understand if you said no but I was wondering if you wanted to get something to eat with me when we get back to the hotel.”
I look at him with a raised eyebrow.
“I like eating in the restaurant,” he explains, “but whenever I go in there on my own everyone stares at me like I’m weird or something. How dare I eat by myself and force them all to feel guilty that I'm alone. You'd be doing me a favour.”
I let out another laugh, that's twice he's made me laugh now. Twice in one day.
“OK,” I say eventually, “but I’m not very good company.”
“That's OK,” he smiles, “even if you sat there and didn't say a word it'd be less weird than me sitting by myself.”
I chuckle quietly. Damn it what is it with him?
“So why are you travelling alone?” I ask him across the table.
“I prefer it,” he smiles, “and I needed some time to recharge my batteries.”
I look at him confused.
“I'm a writer,” he explains, “I've just finished a book and wanted some time out before starting the next one. I haven't had a proper holiday for 5 years.”
I raise my eyebrows at him.
“My first book sold pretty well,” he smiles, “so the publisher pushed for another one pretty soon after which sold even better and it continued like that,” he shrugs, “this time I told them I needed some time off or else I wouldn't stay with them.”
“It's hard being creative all the time,” I sigh, “especially when you've got someone pushing you.”
He smiles and nods but doesn't ask anything as the waiter brings our food over. We ate our food making small talk and I was grateful that he didn't question me about anything.
“So do you fancy becoming my temporary travel buddy?” he asks out the blue.
I raise my eyebrow at him again.
“Just so neither of us get bored to death by any of the older people on the tours,” he grins.
I chuckle softly.
“Sounds like a plan,” I smile.
“And don't worry,” he says gently, “I won't stick to you like glue.”
I smile and nod gratefully.
*************************************************
We spend the next couple of weeks hanging out with each other. It's actually been kind of nice to have someone to talk to and even nicer is that he seems to know when I need to be alone. Most of the time we've been talking about anything and everything. I've told him some of the basic stuff about myself but nothing personal, nothing about why I'm really travelling and luckily he doesn't seem to recognise me either. I found out that he's pretty famous himself and I was a bit embarrassed when I admitted to him that I’d never heard of him. He found it pretty funny and wasn't offended at all. He's actually got a pretty good sense of humour and is easy going, nothing much seems to faze him. I've noticed he's wearing a wedding ring but he hasn't mentioned anything about a wife or even a husband and I don't feel comfortable asking him about it especially when there's so much I'm hiding.
I look at myself in the mirror as I bite my lip wondering if I've dressed up too much. We decided earlier to try one of the local restaurants in town so I thought it would be nice to wear something a bit better than my normal tatty worn clothes. Now I’m wondering if he'll read something into it, like it's a date or something. I don't even know if he's gay or straight but I don't want to give him the wrong impression. I sigh to myself wondering whether or not to change when I hear a knock on the door. I frown as I walk over to it wondering who it is. I pull the door open and see him standing there.
“I was beginning to wonder what happened to you,” he smiles, “you're over 15 minutes late.”
I quickly look down at my watch and realise he's right, where did the time disappear?
“Sorry,” I say quietly, gesturing for him to come in, “I didn't realise it'd gotten so late.”
“Too busy deciding what to wear were you?” he chuckles as he closes the door, “I've had dates that haven't taken as long to get dressed.”
I blush as I walk over to the sofa where my shoes are.
“But you do look good,” he smiles.
Is he flirting? Or is he just joking? I can't tell any more. I feel my stomach flip in hunger and bend down to pick my shoes up. Suddenly I feel my head tighten as the room spins. I drop my shoes as all the colours suddenly brighten and blur.
“Lauri?” I hear him ask worriedly.
It sounds like he's shouting at me and then suddenly there's the stabbing pain in my head. I hold my head and groan hearing him rush over to me.
“What's wrong?” he asks concerned.
“Migraine,” I groan quietly.
“OK,” he whispers.
I cover my eyes feeling him leading me somewhere. My head starts pounding like it's on a countdown to explode, each painful throb another moment closer. I feel him stop me, his hands on my shoulders gently pushing me back.
“Sit down,” he whispers again.
I automatically bend my knees feeling my bum hit something.
“Now lay down,” he whispers, “you're in your bed.”
I lay down and curl up feeling my stomach clenching hard.
“Heat or cold,” he whispers.
I try to work out what he's saying and sob loudly as the vice holding my head tightens again.
“Lauri,” he whispers again, “does heat or cold work?”
“C...cold,” I sob.
“OK,” he whispers.
I hear him walk away flicking the lights off as he goes. It feels like I've been laying there for hours before he comes back.
“Move your hands,” he whispers.
I shake my head feeling my stomach churn again.
“The lights are off,” he says gently, “it won't hurt.”
I feel him gently moving my hands and gasp as something cold is placed over my eyes. The pain mutes itself instantly, it's like putting your fingers in your ears when something's too loud.
“That should help the nausea,” he whispers.
I realise he's right, my stomach's instantly calmed.
“This should help the rest of the pain,” he whispers.
He moves the cold thing off my eyes and puts it on the back of my neck causing me to shudder. It feels so good I let out a small moan.
“That's it,” he whispers, “let it go.”
He gently strokes my back bringing back memories of Aki causing my tears to fall but it's so soothing at the same time. It doesn't take me long to fall asleep.
I wake up slowly feeling better and rub my eyes in the dim light coming from one of the lamps. I glance up and see a glass of water on the bedside cabinet with some melting ice cubes in. I smile gratefully and look down to see myself covered with a thin blanket, jumping slightly as I notice Michael asleep in the chair. He looks so uncomfortable but so peaceful at the same time. I swallow realising how dry my mouth is and reach over for the glass of water managing to knock it at the same time. I hear him moan as he wakes up.
“You're awake,” he whispers, “how are you feeling?”
“Better,” I croak smiling at him.
I reach for the glass again.
“Let me get that,” he says quickly rushing over.
He picks it up and passes it over to me. I take it and sit up slightly feeling my head spin before taking a sip. It feels so good as the cold liquid runs down my throat.
“I thought you would of gone,” I say passing the glass back to him.
“I wanted to make sure you were alright,” he smiles putting the glass back down, “you had me worried for a moment.”
“I'm fine,” I sigh laying back down, “I used to get them a lot when I lost my sight, this is the first one I've had since then. I thought they'd gone.”
He smiles gently.
“Do you want me to give you a massage?” he asks, “it'll help and stop it coming back.”
I look at him.
“I'm trained,” he smiles, “I used to be a personal trainer, learnt massage to help with injuries and stuff.”
“You really think it'll help?” I ask.
He nods.
“OK,” I say hesitantly.
He smiles and nods again.
“Do you want to sit up?” he asks.
I frown knowing that moving too soon sometimes brings it back.
“I promise it'll help stop it coming back,” he smiles.
“OK,” I repeat.
I slowly sit up, gathering the blanket into my lap to hide the bulge in my crotch.
“I'll go and get some lotion,” he says before disappearing into the bathroom.
I fidget slightly trying to adjust my erection into a more comfortable place and look over quickly as he reappears.
“Do you mind if I get on the bed with you?” he asks, “otherwise we can do this somewhere else.”
I shake my head.
“I don't mind,” I say quietly.
I don't want to move and risk him seeing my crotch.
“OK,” he smiles and climbs onto the bed.
He sits behind me as I turn slightly.
“Do you want to take your top off?” he asks, “you can leave it on if you want, it's just easier to get your muscles properly without a layer of material in-between.”
I bite my lip for a moment before nodding and carefully pulling it off, clutching it tightly in my lap.
“OK,” he says rubbing some lotion into his hands, “are you ready?”
I nod and bite my lip again. I jump slightly as I feel his hands on me and it's only then that I realise how long it's been since I had contact with someone. I feel his hands rubbing over my skin before slowly beginning to squeeze my muscles. He was right, it does feel good.
“So how do you know so much about migraines?” I ask trying to distract myself from the growing heat in my pants.
“My wife used to suffer from them,” he says, “pretty much the same as you, they would come on suddenly for no reason. They got worse towards the end.”
I glance over my shoulder at him.
“She got one while driving one day,” he sighs, “drove straight into a tree.”
My eyes widen in shock.
“She died?” I ask.
“No,” he chuckles, “the only thing that died that day was the car and the tree.”
He sighs.
“And our marriage.”
I glance over at him again.
“She realised that life was too short,” he continues, “and confessed that she'd been seeing someone else behind my back.”
“I'm sorry,” I say gently.
“Things hadn't been right for a long between us,” he rubs my shoulders harder, “we were high school sweethearts, married pretty much after we graduated but we both changed. We still loved each other, that never faded but we both knew that it was different. I think we were both too scared to talk about it, scared of what life would be like without each other in it.”
“So what happened?” I ask gently.
“We divorced,” he continues, “she married the guy she'd been seeing, they've just had their first baby actually, a little girl called Lily. We talk all the time and are still friends, I never had any bad feelings towards her so it was all pretty amicable.”
“It still must of hurt,” I sigh, my own memories flooding back.
“A bit,” he admits, “but I was relieved, I’d been kind of seeing someone as well.”
I look over my shoulder quickly.
“It hadn't got physical between us,” he says, “he was one of my clients at the gym.”
“He?” I say quickly.
“I'd been having doubts for a while,” he sighs, “since before I was married and as time went on they only got worse.”
I tense up feeling my dick throbbing as he strokes down my spine.
“Don't worry,” he says gently, “I'm not trying to seduce you.”
“Sorry,” I mumble.
“Don't be,” he says, “a lot of guys find it weird to let another man touch them.”
“So did you ever figure it out?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says with a smile in his voice, “I definitely prefer men. I've been with a few men but being married made me realise that I prefer the comfort and closeness instead of a different man every night.”
I bite my lip wondering whether to ask the question in my mind.
“What?” he says gently, “I know you want to ask something. I don't mind.”
“I was just wondering why you still wear your wedding ring,” I mumble.
“At first it was just habit,” he says, “I felt naked without it but then I realised it was part of me, of who I am and even though I'm not technically married now my ex-wife is still a big part of my life. It's kind of like respecting her for putting up with me all those years and a tribute to what a wonderful woman she is.”
I smile and nod.
“So does that feel better?” he asks.
“Much,” I smile.
“Good,” he says, “you're actually carrying quite a lot of tension.”
I sigh and look down. If only he knew.
“I'm sorry for ruining this evening,” I whisper.
“Don't be,” he says gently, “we can always try again tomorrow if you're upto it. As long as you're feeling better.”
I nod.
“You must be hungry,” he says, “my wife always used to wake up starving. How about you go and get in the shower and I’ll order some room service.”
“Sounds good,” I smile.
“OK,” he says moving his hands, “I'll just go and wash my hands and then the bathroom is yours.”
“Thanks,” I smile.
I reach over and pick up the glass, taking a mouthful as he climbs off the bed. I watch as he disappears again and sigh feeling my dick almost screaming at me. I can't wait to climb under the water and touch myself.
As I walk out of the bathroom I instantly smell the food, my stomach growling loudly. I walk into the other room and see 2 big pizza boxes.
“I wasn't sure what you fancied,” he smiles, “if there was anything specific...”
“Pizza,” I grin staring at the boxes.
He laughs.
“I got 2 big ones just in case you were really hungry,” he smiles, “and 2 different ones in case you fancied some variety.”
I continue staring at the boxes.
“Well tuck in,” he chuckles.
It takes less than 30 seconds for me to walk across the room and start stuffing my face.
**********************************************
“You're looking thoughtful,” he says from across the table.
It had been 2 days since my migraine and we'd finally managed to get out to eat at the restaurant.
“I was just thinking,” I sigh, “maybe it's time to move on. I think I've seen just about everything here now.”
“Oh,” he says quietly, “any idea where you're going next?”
I sigh again and shake my head.
“I guess wherever the wind takes me,” I look down at my plate.
“I was planning on going to New Zealand soon,” he says, “you're welcome to come with me.”
I look up at him.
“New Zealand?” I say.
He nods.
“It's got some of the most beautiful country you've ever seen,” he smiles, “plus beaches.”
I look down again.
“Unless you've already been,” he says carefully.
I'll admit I didn't enjoy the thought of having to say goodbye to him, I have enjoyed his company but I don't know if going with him would be the best idea either. I know that the more time I spend with him means it's getting closer to the time I'll have to tell him more about myself and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Or even if I want to.
I look at him and shake my head with a small smile.
“I promise I don't have any hidden agenda's,” he smiles, “I'm not trying to get into your pants or even your head, I just enjoy your company and you're easy to hang out with. I just thought it'd be nice to hang out a bit longer.”
I think about what he said and can hear the honesty in his voice. At the moment he's the closest thing I've got to a proper friend, I guess I’d be stupid to throw it away.
“OK,” I smile, “I guess I could do with topping up my tan.”
“Great,” he grins, “I've got some travel books we can look at, maybe work out a route and find the best places to see.”
“Sounds good,” I smile feeling a small excitement growing in my stomach, maybe it will be good.
********************************************
I watch as the girl walks away shaking as she looks over her shoulder. I guess I should of known I would get recognised eventually, I just never expected it to be here, in the airport. I’m actually glad we're flying out, I know it won't take long for the picture she asked me for to appear on the internet and very probably details of where it was taken. I sigh before looking over at Michael, he's standing there watching me looking slightly bemused. I guess this is it, I can't keep it hidden any longer.
“A fan,” I mumble with a shrug.
He raises his eyebrow at me.
“I'm a musician,” I sigh.
“You must be good to get hysterical girls sobbing over you,” he says.
I shrug again.
“We've done quite well,” I say casually.
He continues looking at me waiting for me to speak and sighs when I stay silent.
“I've got a few things I need to get,” he says, “I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes.”
“OK,” I sigh watching as he walks away.
20 minutes later I’m standing in the same spot waiting for him with a bag in my hand. I see him walking through the people, smiling at me as he sees me.
“I got you something for the trip,” he says holding out the bag in his hand.
I take the bag and hold out the one I'm carrying.
“I got you something too,” I say.
He takes the bag and looks at me surprised.
“It's nothing special,” I shrug.
He opens the bag and looks inside before looking at me confused.
“I thought you might want to listen to some music,” I mumble.
He pulls one of the CD’s out the bag and looks at it.
“Yours?” he asks.
I nod as he laughs.
“You'd better look in your bag,” he grins.
I open the bag to see some books in there.
“I thought you might want something to read,” he says.
I pull one of the books out and see his name written across it.
“Yours?” I ask with a grin.
He nods as we both laugh.
“At least we'll have something to keep us entertained during the flight,” he smiles.
“Looks like it,” I smile.
*******************************************
I feel the sun slowly browning my skin as I read his last book. It's been 2 weeks since we arrived and have been to a few touristy places, seen a few of the sights but mainly spent a lot of time laying by the pool. It's weird cause I've never been someone who's content to lay in the sun and I've never been a big reader but it's where I've been happiest lately, sat by the pool with my head in his books. He's an amazing writer and I've told him so, he actually found it quite amusing by how engrossed I've been when I’m reading them. He's listened to my CD’s and said I’m an amazing singer and songwriter, which embarrassed me completely.
I look up as I see a shadow pass by and see 2 girls in bikini's walking past. I glance over at Michael and see him staring at them, his eyes following them as they walk away. I grin at him as he looks back to see me staring at him.
“Are you OK there?” I ask with my eyebrow raised, “I think you're drooling.”
“Did you not see them?” he asks.
“Well I can tell you did,” I chuckle, “decided you're not gay now then?”
“No,” he says, “I just appreciate beauty. And I said I prefer men that doesn't mean women repulse me.”
“OK,” I smile.
“I should be asking why you weren't looking,” he smiles.
“Not my type,” I say.
“What is your type?” he asks interestedly.
“Not that,” I say, “too fake for me, I prefer real women.”
“I'm pretty sure they were real women,” he grins.
“You were looking hard enough,” I tease.
“So,” he asks again, “what is your type?”
“Like I said,” I smile, “real women. My ex was a natural beauty, she was so amazing.”
“Oh,” he says, his smile faltering slightly, “why is she an ex then?”
“She couldn't handle me being away all the time,” I sigh, “and she thought I was cheating on her.”
“Were you?” he asks.
I shake my head emphatically.
“I've never cheated on anyone I've been with,” I say, “if I’m with someone I’m with them, I don't even want to look at anyone else. I've been cheated on before and it's not nice, I never want to do that to someone.”
He gives me a small smile and nods. I know it would have been a perfect time to tell him I’m bi but I don't want to complicate things. At least if he thinks I’m straight it keeps our friendship at just a friendship, no more, no less.
***********************************************
Before I know it 6 weeks have passed and we've seen most of New Zealand. I've managed to get a nice tan, we even went horse riding, something I've never done before and will most likely never do again. Michael spent most of the week laughing at me as I walked with a slight limp, my balls feeling like they'd been hit repeatedly with a baseball bat. He of course was a pretty experienced rider and was galloping off while I clung hopelessly to the poor horses neck as he trotted pretty far behind them.
It's been an amazing trip and I feel sad that it's coming to an end, I don't think I’m ready to be alone again or ready to say goodbye to Michael. It was strange because after he found out that I was straight he seemed to distance himself slightly, luckily it didn't last too long before he was almost back to his normal self. It made me think that maybe his feelings towards me weren't quite as platonic as he makes out they are. A few times I've wondered if mine were before I have to remind myself what happens when feelings are involved in a friendship. I know I’m not ready for anything more than friendship and don't know if I ever will be again, I've been hurt too badly and betrayed by the few people in the world I thought I could always trust.
“So where do you think you'll go now?” he asks gently as we sit on the balcony.
“I don't know,” I shrug looking out as the sunsets, “what about you?”
“I'm going to Thailand,” he says, “a friend of mine has got a house there and he said I can borrow it for a few months so I can get started on my next book.”
“You'll have to send me a copy when it's published,” I smile.
“OK,” he chuckles.
We sit in silence as the sun slowly begins to dip into the sea.
“You could always come with me,” he says quietly, “if you wanted. The house is big enough and private so you can have as much space and quiet as you wanted.”
I look at him and sigh before looking back out at the sun.
“I guess I’ll miss you too much if you're not around,” he adds gently.
I look back over at him.
“I think I would too,” I say in almost a whisper.
He smiles back before we both look back just in time for the sun to disappear.
**************************************************
It's been 3 weeks since we arrived in Thailand, the house is beautiful with it's own swimming pool and beach just down a small pathway. I've discovered how much I enjoy reading and have spent most of my time laying spread out on the sun lounger reading one of the books I bought on the flight over from New Zealand. It's been amazing, so quiet and peaceful, almost as if the sun is melting away all my stress. Michael has spent most of the time in the house as he tries to get some ideas together. He won't tell me anything though, just that it's a work in process. In a way it's been nice to be by myself but I've found myself a bit lonely sometimes.
I sit looking out at the full moon still feeling the heat from the day and the warm gentle breeze blowing. Michael's inside scribbling things down and typing on his laptop. We ate dinner in silence as he looked so thoughtful, I tried to make conversation once but he was so distracted he hardly responded. I wonder if I’m the same when I’m writing lyrics or trying to put a song together, it'd certainly explain a few things. Maybe I can be an arse hole and even worse, not know I’m being one.
I jump suddenly as I notice Michael sitting next to me, I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't even hear him come out.
“Are you OK?” he asks, “you looked a bit thoughtful.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, “just thinking through some stuff.”
“I'm sorry I've been neglecting you a bit,” he apologises, “I get a bit intense when I’m writing.”
“It's OK,” I say gently, “I do too. So are you having a break?”
He smiles and nods.
“Sometimes my head gets a bit full,” he says, “everything gets jumbled.”
“I know that feeling,” I chuckle, “at least you can enjoy the moon with me.”
He looks out over the sea and notices the bright full moon in the sky.
“Wow, it's a full moon,” he says, “it looks beautiful.”
“I know,” I smile.
I look out and watch the waves rippling gently.
“Actually,” he says, “I've got an idea.”
I look over at him confused as he stands up.
“Come on,” he smiles and nods inside.
I stand up and follow him, wondering where he's going.
“There's a local beauty spot,” he says walking through the house, “something that's magical only during the full moon, we should go and see it.”
“OK,” I say casually.
Before I know it we're in the Jeep driving down the dark narrow roads. I don't know where exactly we're going but it's good to be with him again. We drive for about 20 minutes before he takes a small dirt track off the road. I wonder if he's been here before as he seems to know the way.
“So where are we going?” I ask casually.
“You'll see,” he smiles, driving slower through the trees.
“Have you been there before?” I ask.
“Once,” he says, “when I was visiting briefly but it was during the day.”
He stops the Jeep and turns the engine off, we're in the middle of the jungle from the look of it. I look over at him confused as he climbs out.
“Come on,” he grins and disappears down an almost invisible pathway.
I jump out and quickly catch up with him, I don't want to get lost or be left alone in the middle of nowhere. We walk down a small path in the near darkness, it's lucky it's a full moon otherwise it would be complete darkness. I can hear a noise that gets louder the more we walk.
“What is that?” I ask.
“You'll see,” he says over his shoulder.
“When?” I sigh thinking I could be reading my book.
“About...now,” he says.
I look as the trees suddenly clear and there in front of us is a small body of water with a waterfall dropping down into it.
“Wow,” I say seeing the moonlight reflected in the falling water, “it's beautiful.”
“It is,” he smiles, “but that's not what I wanted to show you.”
I watch him as he pulls off his t-shirt and starts unbuttoning his shorts.
“What are you showing me?” I ask with my eyebrow raised.
He looks at me confused and then realises how it looks.
“Don't worry,” he laughs, “I'm not flashing you, we need to get in the water.”
“We?” I ask.
“If you want to see it,” he shrugs pushing his shorts down.
He tucks his thumbs into his boxers and pauses.
“You might want to look away,” he smiles.
I turn around as I hear him kicking off his boxers and listen as he walks into the water.
“You can turn back around now,” he says.
I look back and see him in the water with it covering half his chest.
“I'm just curious,” I say looking at him, “but if we needed to get in the water why didn't you tell me to put my trunks on or at least bring them?”
“Oh,” he says sheepishly, “that probably would have been a good idea.”
I laugh and roll my eyes.
“Are you coming?” he asks.
“I guess,” I sigh.
I pull off my t-shirt before slipping off my own shorts, pausing as I get to my boxers and debate whether to leave them on.
“You can leave them on it you want,” he smiles, “just hurry up.”
I watch as he turns away and swims towards the waterfall. I bite my lip before realising that if I did keep them on I’d had to travel back with wet boxers or go without them and I've learnt from the one time I didn't wear underwear under those shorts that it wasn't very comfortable at all. I look at him again and see him still with his back to me and quickly pull them down before wading into the water.
“OK,” I say when the water's covering everything, “what am I supposed to be seeing?”
“Come here,” he says beckoning me over.
I sigh before swimming over to him standing just in front of the waterfall.
“It's through here,” he smiles pointing to the waterfall.
I look at the falling water and then look at him.
“Are you joking?” I ask.
He smiles and shakes his head.
“There's a cave behind there,” he says, “not many people know about it. The rock has some kind of crystal in it that reflects during the full moon.”
“And it doesn't during the day?” I ask.
He nods.
“But you can't see it properly because of the sun,” he explains.
“Oh,” I say.
“So are you ready?” he asks.
“I guess,” I shrug.
“Come on,” he chuckles before walking through the water.
I stand there for a moment wondering if I should follow him before his hand suddenly appears through the water. I hesitate before reaching out and taking it feeling him pull me through the water. It rushes down over my face and it's only when I brush it out of my eyes and open them that I can see he was right. We're in a large cave with the water still chest deep, the whole surface of the walls are sparkling and reflecting off the water. It's like being in a large disco ball.
“Wow,” I whisper as I wade in further.
I turn around to look at him and giggle seeing the lights reflecting off him making him look like that sparkly vampire in that film whose name I can't remember. He looks at me and smiles.
“Glad you came?” he asks.
I nod and watch as he stares around in wonder. He looks so beautiful, his dark blonde hair flecked with gold sparkles as his brown eyes widen in amazement as he looks around. My feet automatically take a step towards him until I’m standing right in front of him. He jumps suddenly and smiles at me curiously as he notices me. I smile back before leaning up and brushing my lips against his. They feel so soft and good against mine that I press them back harder, kissing him firmly. I wrap my arms around his neck as we kiss deeper, his tongue brushing against mine. I can feel myself harden as I lift myself up and wrap my legs high around his waist. His arms wrap around me as he lets out a small moan. I kiss him passionately as I push against him and rub myself over his erection. He moves his hand quickly as I feel him brushing against my entrance. He holds himself steady as he begins to nudge against me, entering me carefully. I push myself down taking him into me and moan into his neck as he fills me. I forget how good it felt to have someone inside me and roll my hips into him. He groans loudly and kisses me hard using one hand to hold me up. He takes a few staggered steps forward and reaches out to rest his hand against the wall. I roll my hips even harder as he thrusts up hard into me, moaning loudly. He thrusts even faster before I suddenly feel him swell inside me and he lets out a gasp. I can feel the hotness begin to fill me as he comes hard. I feel myself shake and let out a moan of my own as my own orgasm begins firing hard and without warning. I hold him tightly, burying my face in his neck as I roll my hips slowly milking the last of his orgasm and pushing out the last of mine as my dick rubs against his stomach.
“Sorry,” he whispers breathlessly, “I'm not normally that quick.”
I smile at him and see him blushing slightly.
“It's OK,” I whisper back softly, “I think we waited long enough.”
He smiles and brushes his lips against mine again as he holds me tightly. I feel him slip out of me as the coolness of the water hits the hotness of my insides.
“We should probably get back,” he sighs, “this isn't exactly known to be a safe area.”
“OK,” I nod slowly unwrapping my legs and putting them back on the bottom.
I hold him for a second longer before moving my arms and reach down to wash over my stomach. I take his hand that he holds out for me and smile as he slowly leads me through the waterfall again. We swim back towards our clothes and quickly get dressed before walking back towards the Jeep
We spend the journey back in silence, I guess he's got a lot going through his mind, I know I have. Having him inside me felt so good but reminded me of the last time I had someone inside me, Aki. I thought then that it was amazing but it all turned out to be a lie, what if it is this time too? Before I know it we're back at the house, both of us walking back in in silence. There's kind of an awkwardness between us now as he heads towards the kitchen.
“Do you want a drink?” he asks opening the fridge.
I stand there looking at him and shake my head.
“Something to eat?” he asks.
I shake my head again as he sighs and closes the fridge. He walks over to me and stops in front of me, I can see he's desperately thinking of something to say. I smile and reach down taking his hand before slowly leading him off into his bedroom. He follows me still with an unsure expression on his face. I stop by his bed and lean up to kiss him.
“What I want,” I say quietly with a smile, “is for you to show me how long you can last.”
He raises his eyebrows in surprise as I start opening his shorts. It doesn't take long before we're both naked and on the bed kissing heavily. I sigh happily as I take him into me again, I know that even if this isn't real, that somehow he's lying to me, I just know that at the moment he feels good inside me and I want to make that feeling last as long as I can.
I ride him slowly for what feels like hours as we make love gently in a mixture of caresses and kisses, both of us exploring each other properly. I know that whatever this is between us it certainly doesn't feel like a lie. I sit up over him as stroke myself, letting him watch so he can see what he's doing to me, rolling my hips into him as I get closer. I can feel his hands on me, touching me lightly over my chest, my hips, squeezing my bum as I tilt my head back and close my eyes, moaning erotically. I know I’m getting closer as I lean over him and stroke myself faster, opening my eyes to look down into his. Just one small smile from him and it sends me over the edge, my cum spurting out all over his stomach as I clench hard around him. He brushes his lips softly over mine before pushing himself up deeply and filling me up again. The feeling of him coming inside me almost feels better than my own orgasm, the soft moan he makes and the look that passes across his face. I lay on him kissing him lightly over his face and neck, our lips meeting tenderly. As I feel him slip out of me I move onto my side and snuggle upto him, burying myself in his arms. He kicks the blanket up and covers us both up, gently stroking over my back as we both fall into a deep exhausted sleep.
I wake up the next morning to find I’m alone in his bed and stretch out feeling a sense of disappointment washing over me. I sigh deeply wondering where he is, what's going through his mind and even if it was real.
“Morning,” he says making me jump.
I look over and see him walking back in with 2 glasses.
“I got you some juice,” he smiles, “I thought you might be thirsty.”
I smile and nod, sitting up slightly as he holds it out for me. I take a mouthful before putting it on the bedside cabinet and laying back down. He climbs back into bed with me and I snuggle upto him again.
“I wondered where you were,” I whisper.
“I hadn't gone far,” he says gently.
I smile against his chest feeling the happiness fill me up again.
“I'm guessing last night wasn't your first time?” he asks eventually.
I shake my head and look up at him.
“I'm bi,” I say, “I should of told you before but I didn't want it complicating things.”
“You didn't have to tell me,” he says gently, “you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to.”
I smile and run my fingers lightly over his chest.
“But why did you think it would complicate things?” he asks.
I shrug and sigh debating whether to tell him anything more.
“I wasn't sure of my feelings,” I whisper, “and I like having you as a friend.”
He smiles and nods as the silence fills the room.
“I discovered I was bi when I was 17,” I say, “and had what I thought was a serious relationship with someone but it didn't work out.”
I don't want to tell him any more than that at the moment.
“I've had a few flings with men,” I continue, “but I feel in love with someone who didn't feel the same way about me. He lied to me, hurt me and betrayed me. It was part of the reason I decided to travel. I guess I’m still confused about things, about my feelings and I’m scared of being hurt again.”
He looks at me, gently stroking my cheek before kissing me.
“I promise that I’ll always be honest with you,” he whispers, “I only ask that you are with me too. And I understand if there's something that you don't want to talk about for whatever reason but I want you to know that anything you do want to tell me, I’ll be more than happy to hear.”
I nod and smile at him feeling my eyes begin to fill up. He kisses me softly again.
“We should probably get in the shower,” he smiles.
“Are you going to write again today?” I ask quietly.
He looks at me for a moment before shaking his head.
“I think I can take one day off,” he smiles, “I want to spend at least one proper day with you before I get buried in my book.”
“Good,” I smile and kiss him again.
**************************************************
Before I know it 2 months have passed. And I’m not afraid to say that they've been the happiest of my life. The morning after we first got together I moved all my stuff into his bedroom, spending every night snuggled upto him, making love to him or just talking quietly and laughing together before we fell asleep. There's so much simplicity with him, everything's so comfortable. Sometimes I even wonder if he can read my mind as he seems to know exactly what I want and need just when I need it. Giving me space when I need time with my thoughts but the moment I start feeling lonely, he appears always knowing if I just need him nearby, holding my hand if I just need contact, snuggling up with me if I need closeness or making love to me if I need to feel him. It sometimes feels like a dream that everything's so perfect but in a way, I know it's not. There's still so much I haven't told him, so much that still hurts. I know that the day's coming that it will all come out and I don't know how I'll cope with it, if it'll rip me apart or not.
His book is coming along well though he still won't tell me much about it. I've managed to distract him quite a few times, got him to spend some time lounging by the pool with me. We even managed to shock the hell out of the housekeeper that came by to do her monthly check and clean. She found us on one of the sun loungers with me buried deep in his arse. I still don't know who was more shocked, though me and him laughed about it later.
I close my book and stand up as I walk inside. I’m getting too hot outside and I have the sudden need to be close to him. I walk into the study where he's typing away at his laptop noticing that he doesn't even look up as I lay down on the sofa and open my book again and start reading. I read for a while longer before closing it again and sit up. I glance over at him and see him staring intently at the screen. I walk over to him and kiss him lightly on the neck before heading off towards the shower. As I stand under the cooling water I hear him slip in behind me and wrap his arms around me.
“I was hoping you'd join me,” I smile, “I didn't distract you did I?”
He smiles and shakes his head.
“I was getting stuck so you provided a good excuse to take a break,” he kisses me softly.
“Glad I could help,” I grin feeling myself start to harden.
“You've got such a beautiful dick,” he says wrapping his hand around it and giving it a small stroke.
“So have you,” I reach out for his.
“I love how big yours is,” he smiles, “and how perfectly it fills me.”
“Yours isn't exactly small you know,” I grin.
He kneels down.
“I've never had one so big before,” he glances up at me before taking me into his mouth.
He begins sucking me hard, teasing me with his tongue.
“I've never felt so good being sucked before,” I moan.
He licks me gently, taking my balls into his mouth and flicking them with his tongue.
“God,” I moan stroking his hair, “I'm close.”
He quickly stands up and kisses me hard before reaching over and flicking off the shower. We rush back into the bedroom and I fall onto the bed with him on top of me. I pull my legs back as he hurriedly thrusts into me.
“Fuck me hard,” I pant.
He bites my neck, grunting loudly with each thrust. I know it's not going to take me long as he thrusts harder and harder.
“Fuck me,” I shout pushing back against him.
He complies and slams into me over and over before pushing extra hard. I feel him swell and pulsate as he starts to come, that's all it takes to send me over the edge. The feeling's always so exquisite. He lays on me panting hard as he starts to relax.
“Michael,” I whisper.
“What?” he says breathlessly as he leans up slightly to look at me.
“I love you,” I say almost silently.
It's something I've known for a while but somehow haven't been able to tell him, something blocking the words each time. He looks at me shocked before smiling widely and kissing me deeply. He lays back over me, his mouth next to my ear as he whispers it back to me. In that moment I feel like my heart is going to explode with happiness but I should of known that happiness doesn't last forever. I wish I knew just how soon my bubble was going to burst.
***********************************************
It was about 4 weeks later when my phone rang. It was Pauli. I listened as he spoke each sentence stabbing further and further into my heart as the darkness descended. When I hung up I walked quickly back into the house. As I stood in the study doorway I already felt the room beginning to sway. I can't even imagine what I looked like as he glanced up at me and instantly looked afraid.
“Lauri,” he said quickly standing up.
The pain shoots through my head worse than I've ever felt it before doubling me over in pain. I groan loudly and vomit on the floor as another wave of pain hits me. My legs give way beneath me as I fall to the floor. I must of passed out as I don't remember hitting it and for a second I think I've died as I feel like I’m flying.
“It's OK,” I can hear Michael whisper, “you'll be OK.”
I whimper quietly as I start sobbing. I realise he must of caught me before I fell and is carrying me to our bedroom.
“It's alright baby,” he whispers.
I can hear his voice shaking as he struggles not to cry. Just the thought of him crying makes me sob even harder.
“OK,” he whispers, “I'm going to lay you down.”
I feel the bed underneath me and roll onto my side. He strokes my hair before rushing away again. I sob to myself as Pauli's words echo through my head.
“Here you go,” I hear Michael whisper before something cold is placed across my eyes.
I continue sobbing as I shake slightly.
“It'll be gone soon baby,” he whispers.
He moves the cold thing off my eyes and puts it on the back of my neck as he gently strokes my back. I can feel myself drift off as the pain begins to disappear.
When I wake up I feel him laying behind me, still gently stroking my back. As I glance at the window I notice it's nearly dark wondering just how long I've been asleep for. I let out a small whimper feeling sorry for myself.
“How are you feeling?” he asks gently.
I whimper again.
“You really scared me,” he says worriedly.
“Sorry,” I croak.
“Have some water,” he says reaching over me to pick up the glass.
I sit up slightly and take a mouthful before laying back down.
“You looked so pale,” he says putting the glass back down, “like all the colour had been drained out of you.”
“That was the worse one I've ever had,” I whisper, “sorry about throwing up on the floor.”
“Don't apologise,” he says gently.
He runs his hand over my chest before moving it down further. I gasp as he takes my erection in his hand and begins stroking it.
“My wife always used to wake up horny as well,” he whispers, “we had some of our best sex after one of her migraines.”
I feel him move his hand over my hip and realise that I’m naked under the thin blanket.
“You started getting hot,” he whispers, “and were fidgeting so I took your shorts off.”
“Is that the only reason?” I ask with a small smile over my shoulder.
“Of course,” he grins kissing my shoulder, “do you want a massage?”
I nod and smile over my shoulder.
“Sit up then,” he strokes my back gently.
I slowly sit up and shuffle forward slightly so that he has space behind me.
“I've already got the baby oil ready,” he says picking up the bottle.
I glance over my shoulder as he pours some into his hand and moan as he begins massaging me. I forgot how good it felt.
“I think I should get one of these more often,” I say, “or do I have to nearly die every time first?”
“Maybe if you ask nicely,” he says.
I moan to myself as the warmth washes over me, easing some of the stress I've been carrying. He strokes down my spine causing me to groan and start leaking.
“Jesus,” I mumble.
I hear him chuckle behind me.
“When you gave me that massage before,” I start, “did you know how horny I was then?”
“I guessed you were,” he says, “from the way you were clutching your top tightly in your lap.”
He strokes down my spine again causing me to shudder.
“And did you know what effect doing that would have on me?” I ask.
“Yes,” he admits, “I was checking something.”
“What?” I ask looking over my shoulder.
“Whether you were gay or not,” he says, “if a man is horny and gay and you do that he usually shoots his load. If he's straight he usually jumps straight off the bed and refuses to let you touch him again.”
“So what did you think when you did it to me?” I ask.
“I couldn't tell,” he admits, “you didn't really react either way so I still didn't know.”
“I nearly shot my load,” I smile, “but was embarrassed.”
“At least I know now,” he says.
“You could of just asked me,” I smile.
“Would you of answered?” he asked.
I think about it and realise he's right, I probably wouldn't have. I feel him move one of his hands off me and glance over my shoulder to see him stroking himself.
“Get on your knees and move back,” he smiles.
I do what he says feeling him against me. I push back onto him as he begins to fill me causing us both to moan.
“That's it,” he says huskily.
I begin rolling my hips as he continues massaging me, pushing him deep into me.
“That feels so good,” I groan.
“You're telling me,” he whispers.
He squeezes my muscles as I rock against him. It feels beyond amazingly good, I don't think I've ever been as hard or horny as I am right now. I can feel him thrusting up into me as I start to clench around him rhythmically.
“God Lauri,” he mumbles.
He moves his hand suddenly, grabbing my hip and pulling me into him as he thrusts up and comes hard. I hear him moan and wait for his breathing to calm slightly before I move his hand off my hip and round to my dick.
“You'd better get some oil on there,” I moan, “your arse is about to take one hell of a pounding.”
He strokes me hard before I move his hand and lean up on my knees. I turn around quickly and push him back on the bed before laying over him. He pulls his legs back as I thrust straight into him, without even giving him time to adjust I begin thrusting hard and fast knowing it won't take me long. He kisses my neck as I pant deeply everything feeling so much more intense.
“Jesus Lauri,” he moans, “you're going to make me come again.”
“I'm going to fill your arse so deeply,” I grunt.
He moans and grabs my bum pulling me into him. I can feel him harden again but at the moment I’m only thinking about my own orgasm. I know it's coming soon and it's coming hard.
“I love fucking you,” I pant, “pounding your cute little arse.”
“And I love you sticking your big dick in me,” he moans.
I hear him gasp and feel him shudder as I thrust deep into him and come hard.
“The pain of that migraine was definitely worth it for that,” I grin breathlessly.
“And seeing you like that was worth it,” he smiles, “I've never come twice so quickly.”
I lift up slightly and look down, there's a small amount of cum on his stomach. I smile at him and kiss him gently.
“At least you're feeling better,” he smiles, “I hated seeing you like that.”
“Sorry,” I whisper again.
“Don't apologise,” he says gently, “you can't help it.”
I sigh and snuggle into him.
“Is everything OK though?” he asks, “I heard your phone ring just before.”
I feel the tears sting my eyes and know I have to tell him.
“It's not OK,” I whisper.
“Tell me,” he says gently stroking my back.
I sigh before taking a deep breath and telling him everything. About Janne, about Aki, about Eero and about the phone call with Pauli. By the time I've finished I feel exhausted and emotional. And still without hope.
*******************************************
I stand outside the door trying to calm my breathing as my heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest. It's been almost 2 months since I got the phone call from Pauli telling me that I needed to come home, that there was a lot of pressure to start working on the next album and that there would be consequences if we didn't. It almost feels like another life away spending every second with the man I loved, reading in the sunshine and not having to do anything I didn't want to. After I told Michael about it things changed between us, there was nothing that I was hiding from him then, he knew absolutely everything. He handled it pretty well and even went out and bought me a guitar. At first it sat there staring at me every time I went in the same room as it but eventually, and reluctantly, I picked it up and started playing it. I was like a tidal wave of emotions pouring out of me as the seeds of new songs planted themselves in my mind. It distracted me from thinking about how soon this new life I had made would come to an end. And it was the thought of having to leave Michael that caused my migraines to become more intense and frequent than having to face Eero and Aki again.
I can hear their voices through the door and I know I can't run away any longer. I take a deep breath as I open the door and walk through. If I didn't feel paranoid before I
certainly do now as it suddenly goes quiet and they all look over and stare at me. I glance around seeing Aki and Eero sitting next to each other on the sofa obviously deep in conversation before I interrupted them. Eero's cut his hair, his eyes meeting mine for a split second before darting away guiltily and Aki still looks exactly the same.
“Lauri,” I hear Pauli say and turn just in time to see him wrap his arms around me tightly.
I chuckle as he envelops me and hug him back.
“God you look good,” he says finally releasing me.
“Had plenty of time to work on my tan,” I smile.
“When did you get back?” he asks, “I wasn't sure you were going to make it.”
I look down at my watch.
“About 4 hours ago,” I smile, “luckily the jet lag hasn't set in yet.”
His eyes widen.
“4 hours,” he gasps, “you like to cut it close don't you?”
I laugh.
“I just wanted to make the most of every second,” I say, my smile faltering slightly as I think about that part of my life.
“Well I've just put the coffee on,” he says walking over to it, “so I’ll make sure you're well stocked. At least enough so that you don't fall asleep.”
I laugh at him and nod before glancing back over at Aki and Eero. They've moved apart on the sofa as Eero had suddenly found something interesting to fiddle with on his bass. Aki's looking at me with a small hopeful expression on his face mixed in with fear. I give him a small smile and nod seeing him smile in relief. He actually looks like he's about to cry with happiness and I guess I don't blame him, the last time I saw him I told him I never wanted to see him again. I stare at Eero waiting for him to look at me, he fidgets knowing that I’m staring and eventually glances up at me. I give him a small nod as well, it's the best I can do at the moment and way more than he deserves.
I did a lot of thinking about things while I was away, things that Aki said, things that I’d previously missed. Eventually I came to the conclusion that even though they'd both hurt me badly I couldn't let it eat away at me forever. I was only feeding their hurt by feeling victimised. I knew I’d never forget what they both did to me but I guess I could start to heal by forgiving them. My only other choice was to give up the band, my passion for music and become a bitter old man with nothing. It was an easy choice to make. As Buddha said 'Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.'
“Here's your coffee,” said Pauli holding out a cup.
I took it and smiled at him.
“Let's get this meeting going then,” I grin, “the sooner it's over, the sooner I can go home to bed.”
Pauli laughs as I sit down nowhere near Eero or Aki.
The meeting actually lasts longer than I thought it would. It's over 4 hours later when we decide to call it quits for now. It actually went a lot better than I thought it would and even though I didn't directly talk to either Aki or Eero it didn't feel too awkward. Eero left as soon as the meeting was over, mumbling something about wanting to get back to his wife and kids. Pauli was the next one to leave as Aki loitered around finding things to do. I got the feeling he wanted to talk to me and it was only when I gave Pauli a small nod that he left us alone.
“So how have you been?” Aki asked tentatively.
“Good,” I say with a shrug, “relaxing and doing a lot of thinking.”
He gives me a small nod and looks away. I can see he's struggling to think of something to say, that he hadn't thought past asking that first question. I put my phone back into my pocket and see him still struggling to think.
“I'm going to get going,” I say, “I think the jet lag's beginning to catch up with me.”
He looks at me and I can see his mind racing.
“Do you want to go for a quick drink?” he blurts.
I look at him and raise my eyebrow.
“I think we should talk,” he says, “don't you?”
I sigh and glance at my watch again.
“I guess,” I say, “but does it have to be now?”
He nods.
“I think it's best,” he says.
“OK,” I sigh, “I guess I can manage one drink.”
“Great,” he grins, “I'll just tidy this mess up and then we can go.”
“OK,” I say, “I'll go and wait outside.”
He nods as I walk out the door.
The bar we're in is so loud compared to the quiet I've been used to and even though we found a quiet corner it still feels too loud and with too many people.
“So?” I say picking up my beer and taking a sip.
He sighs and fiddles with his own drink.
“I wanted to say sorry about everything,” he looks at me, “I never wanted to hurt you but I thought I was in love and I would of done anything for him.”
“You thought you were in love?” I ask.
He sighs and nods.
“You were right about him,” he says quietly, “it didn't take him long to say that we shouldn't see each other any more. He even said it was because that if you did say anything then he didn't want to raise suspicion. He hurt me and then I realised how much he'd used me.”
“I'm sorry,” I say gently.
“I guess I knew before then though,” he says looking at me.
I raise my eyebrow curiously.
“When I was with you,” he says, “I realised how different it was, how much more caring. It wasn't just about a quick fuck it was something more.”
“I thought the idea of being with me repulsed you?” I say.
He sighs and looks down at his drink.
“I'd never thought about being with a man before Eero,” he says, “and after I was so in love with him that it wasn't an option.”
I raise my eyebrow at him.
“I bet you were both laughing when I told you how I felt about you,” I say.
“No,” he says quickly, “never. Eero asked me if I’d ever thought about fucking you. I told him that I hadn't but I never would because it'd be too weird, you were my friend and until you told me that you loved me I never even thought about you like that.”
“Maybe I should of tried to seduce you like Eero did,” I say.
“Why didn't you?” he asks, “I mean why didn't you ever try anything with me?”
“Because you were straight,” I say, “and I wanted you to want me too but because you wanted me not because I’d persuaded you in any way.”
“I never realised how deeply you felt about me,” he says.
“I really did love you,” I say looking at him, “more than anything.”
“I guess I was stupid not to realise,” he sighs, “I know that being with you that one time meant more to me than all the times with Eero.”
I look at him surprised, is he saying what I think he's saying?
“I'll always love you,” I say reaching out and giving his hand a small squeeze, “as a friend.”
I can see the smile disappear off his face. I know that was mean but it felt slightly satisfying in a small way as well. I want him to know what that sting of rejection feels like running through your veins. He gives me a small nod.
“I never thanked you either,” I say, “for being there for me, through everything. I know you only did it out of guilt but I don't think I could of survived without you.”
“It wasn't all out of guilt,” he says, “I promise you.”
I smile and nod before picking up my beer and taking a sip. I jump as I feel a pair of arms wrap around my chest and a pair of lips on my neck. I laugh as I look up.
“I was beginning to think you'd got lost,” I smile.
“I did,” smiles Michael, “twice.”
I laugh before looking over at Aki. He's looking shocked as he looks between us both.
“Aki,” I say, “this is Michael, Michael this is Aki.”
“It's nice to meet you,” says Michael holding his hand out.
Aki shakes it, his eyes still wide.
“I'm just going to get a drink,” Michael smiles at me.
“OK,” I nod watching as he walks over to the bar.
“You met someone?” Aki asks.
I nod with a smile.
“While I was travelling,” I say, “he's amazing.”
My biggest fear when Pauli told me that I had to return was that I had to say goodbye to Michael but when I told him, he simply said that he would go wherever I was, that we belonged together and that he could write anywhere. It was such a relief that I wouldn't have to give him up. I know it would of broke my heart and been too much for me.
“So what does he do?” Aki asks me quietly.
“He's a writer,” I say, “a bloody good one as well. He's sold a lot of books and I think he's pretty famous.”
“You think?” he asks.
“It's not something we've talked about,” I shrug.
I smile as he comes back over and sits next to me.
“I was just telling Aki how good you are,” I say.
He grins at me.
“At writing,” I giggle.
“Just at writing?” he asks quietly.
“You know not just at writing,” I say quietly putting my hand on his leg under the table and giving it a small squeeze.
“Lauri said you've sold a lot of books,” Aki says interrupting us.
“Yeah,” Michael replies looking over at him, “mainly in America but my books seem to be catching on in Europe now.”
“You're from America?” Aki asks.
Michael nods.
“From a small town in Ohio,” he replies, “but I travel a lot as well.”
“Oh,” says Aki.
Michael picks his drink up and takes a sip, his wedding ring shining in the light. I see Aki's eyes widen quickly.
“You're married?” he blurts before looking over at me, “you're fucking a married man? After all the crap you gave me! What about his wife?”
“Yes I am married,” says Michael putting his drink down, “and the only reason my 'wife' isn't wearing her ring is because her fingers swelled up on the flight over.”
He picks my hand up and kisses it.
“I think they're going down a bit now,” I smile, “and I didn't hear you complaining earlier.”
I glance at Aki as his eyebrows almost disappear off his forehead.
“You're married?” he gasps in shock.
I smile and nod.
“We got married 3 weeks ago,” I say gently, “it was beautiful.”
“On the beach as the sun set,” Michael continues gently.
I lean over and kiss him.
“Isn't it a bit soon?” Aki asks still in shock.
I shake my head.
“We've known each other for 6 months,” I say, “it only takes a second to recognise perfection.”
I knew after I thought I was going to lose him that I didn't want that, that it would destroy me. He is so perfect for me and I love him so much that I knew I couldn't ever risk losing him. I was worried that he wouldn't want to get married again but when I asked him I thought he was going to explode with joy. He even cried and admitted to me that he wanted to ask me but didn't think that I’d want that. We had a simple ceremony with only a few locals there but it wasn't about how extravagant it was or how much money we spent, it was about us, becoming one forever and showing our love to the world.
“And technically,” smiles Michael, “we're still on our honeymoon so I’m going to steal my husband soon and take him home to bed.”
“You know I’m probably just going to fall asleep as I soon as I get into bed,” I smile.
“That wouldn't be the first time you've done that,” he grins.
“Does Pauli know?” Aki asks.
I look over at him and shake my head. I’d never even told Pauli that I was travelling with someone.
“You're the first to know,” I smile, “after my parents of course.”
He gives me a small smile and nods.
“What about you,” I ask, “are you seeing anyone?”
He looks at me and sighs before shaking his head.
“You'll meet someone,” I smile gently, “probably when you least expect it.”
He smiles and nods.
It's one thing I've learnt about life is that when you're at your lowest the only way to go is up, that it can surprise you in the strangest of ways and just when you're least expecting it, you'll meet the person of your dreams even if you never knew that they were the one you were dreaming of.
*************************************************
As time went on things eventually became more normal again. The album we were working on became our best one yet and sold out in practically every country it was released in. Aki met someone and settled down, they even had 2 kids together and I was pleased that he was finally happy. I tease him about why he hasn't married her yet but he always brushes it off. Sometimes I wonder if there's still a small part of him waiting for me. I've seen him looking at me sometimes and I know he's still in love with me, I guess it really is true that you don't know what you've got until you've lost it. I wonder what it would have been like if things were different, if we would of ended up together or not but they are only passing thoughts as I look at my husband and know that my life would have truly never been complete without him in it.
Eero and me finally became friends again, it took a long while to be able to trust him again and even longer to forgive him, and though it was never the same as it was when we were kids it was enough. He apologised for everything he'd done and even admitted to me that he'd been jealous of me and jealous of them for being with me. At first I thought he'd been in love with me but he explained it was more that it was because I wasn't in love with him. He'd felt rejected by our friendship and thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I never realised how low his self image was. As far as I know he'd stayed faithful to his wife after Aki and had never gone with Aki again. Things between them were tense for a while as well but they'd talked through their differences and made up.
And me, well I’m still happily married. It was hard when I had to tour, I hated being away from Michael and he hated it too so he started coming with us. I loved climbing into bed with him after a gig, it was like coming home wherever we were in the world. He could write anywhere so it worked well. The book he'd been writing when we first got together also became a best-seller. He also used the photo of me standing on the edge of the cliff as the cover, you couldn't tell it was me as I was silhouetted, but he said it was the first time he knew I was special. I’m pretty sure he also based the main character on me, there were too many similarities, he didn't deny it but he didn't admit it either. Since then he's wrote a few more books and each one better than the last.
A few years ago we both decided that we wanted a child and with the help of a surrogate we now have a beautiful little boy called Jasper. We couldn't decide which one of us was going to be the biological father so we decided to leave it to fate. We both produced our samples together and mixed them so neither of us would know. It only took until the first time he smiled that it became obvious that he was mine and as he got older he grew into a mini clone of me. I never doubted that Michael's love for him would change if he was mine but it did, he actually loved him even more if that was possible. He is the light of both our lives and made it so much richer. It was hard at first but we learnt like all new parents do and settled into a routine. Life couldn't be more perfect. We've even discussed having another baby now that Jasper's a bit older. I told Michael that I’d like the baby to be his this time but he disagreed and said he wanted to do fairly and that even though it's obvious Jasper is mine mixing his sperm with mine automatically made him part of Jasper too. I couldn't disagree with him.
I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life and strangely enough I don't regret any of them because they bought me to where I am now. And that place is happiness. While the future is always uncertain I know that with my perfect husband by my side and our wonderful son that I can get through anything that life throws at me now. And I know that anything is possible once someone touches your heart.
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A Sense of Betrayal