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Slow Motion	By : clandestinecassie Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Panic! At The Disco Views: 2102 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Panic! At the Disco. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Sorry, this has taken so long. I'm in college now and it serves to eat my brain and my time. Please enjoy and we're coming to the end soon.
chapter fourty-two: I’m in love with my own sins
Brendon can't have been sleeping for more than four hours before his cell ringing woke him up. He was disoriented, confused and for one brief moment he wanted to believe that everything that had happened that day was nothing but a bad dream.
But it couldn't be a dream because there was no Spencer cooking in the kitchen, no Ryan reading a book or playing a game, no Nate snuggled up next to him while they slept. But there is his phone and he shoves his hand into his tight jean pocket to anwser it.
"Hello?"
There's a small silence and Brendon regrets not checking the number before he anwsered the phone.
"Brendon, it's me." A familiar voice washes over Brendon's body.
"Nate." It's Nate and suddenly the boy doesn't care that he's just got woken up at a little after four in the morning because it's him, it's Nate. "I'm sorry to call so late. I was sleeping when you called and I just got up to get ready for work when I checked your message." His voice is so soft that Brendon almost believes that it's all his imagination, that if he breathes too loud the boy on the line will disappear. But he is real and the boy just wants to let him talk forever, get wrapped up in it for eternity.
"It's okay."
"Was...was what you said about Ryan and Spencer true?" Nate asks, voice low and filled with concern.
"Yeah, I went out for awhile and when I came back...he and Ryan were gone."
Again silence. A fresh wave of pain washes over Brendon. He bites his lip and listens to Nate's breathing.
"I know," He starts. "I know we're fighting and everything...but please, please, I need you tonight." Brendon whispers across the phone line. His heart is beating rapidly, afraid of the anwser he might get. He doesn't exactly trust himself to be on his own, doesn't think he can handle the silence.
"Okay," Nate sounds breathless. "I'll call in at work and I'll be there in twenty." The slightly older boy says. Brendon's smiling despite the situation. The two of them hang up and Brendon can't go back to sleep now. He does lay stretched out on the couch though, long leg hanging over the arm of the worn out furniture.
Nate shows up fifteen minutes later, he doesn't knock, as familar as Pete was at this point. Some back part of his mind wonders if someday he'll look at Nate, look at him as he thinks about his new lover and know that the two of them will never be like that again. Who the fuck knows, that day could arrive at any time.
Brendon's staring at the spot where Nate should be any second. Three, two, one. Then there he is, Nate's face coming into view as he stands back behind the couch. "Hi," Brendon says weakly, daring a small smile. Nate returns the tentative smile and leans over the couch.
"Hi." The other boy says, his face falls blank and he wrings his hands together, almost nervously. "Brendon, I'm-"
"No," Brendon cuts his boyfriend off. "Not tonight. I just-I just need you tonight alright?" No fighting, no words, just them. Brendon drops his leg off the arm of the couch, reaches up and gets his fingers wrapped securly around Nate's wrist. He's tugging, pulling Nate down over the back of the couch. The other boy going willingly, sliding down on top of Brendon. His head resting on the other boy's chest.
Brendon's other arm comes up around Nate's back, his hand still holding on to Nate's wrist.
They must fall asleep like that because the next time Brendon opens his eyes, it's light out. Nate's still on his chest and it's a relief to just not be alone. But at the same time it's not enough. One out of three isn't enough to make the pain in his chest fade away. He needs all of them.
Brendon stretches and Nate stirrs, waking up and propping himself up a bit to look at the younger boy's face. "Are we still not using words?"
"Words are complicated." Brendon replies, "But I know we need to talk, I get that. Last night was just-" Nate nods.
"I get it."
They break apart and sit side by side on the couch.
"Did he," Nate starts, looks apprehensively over at Brendon. The younger boy slides his hand into his boyfriend's. "Did he leave because of me? Because of what happened?" That’s at least some part of the reason Spencer left, some kind of misplaced guilt combining with the need to save Brendon and Nate’s relationship, that being a good part of the reason Spencer decided to go.
But Brendon can’t tell Nate that. Not with the way he’s biting his lip and his eyes are big and full of something that Brendon wants to label pain. He sort of forgets how much Nate cared about Ryan, how they connected from the start. So Brendon just shakes his head and squeezes Nate’s hand.
“I can’t believe that he’s really gone…” Nate says softly, Brendon tilts his head and the other boy smiles but it never reaches his soft brown eyes. Brendon knew that Nate cared about Ryan that he liked the younger boy but he never gathered that Nate might be hurting as much as Brendon was. “I mean, what if something happened to him? I trust Spencer but…” Nate trails off and Brendon leans forward, presses fingers to his warm jaw and tilts his head so that the two of them are face to face.
“If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that Spencer will keep him safe.” Brendon mutters, Nate nods and leans into Brendon, into his touch until their lips are touching, soft and dry.
“What should we do?” Nate pulls away slightly, they’re sharing breaths and Brendon can feel every word hitting against his skin.
“I don’t know, Spencer is a shadow now, gone without anyone noticing and impossible to pinpoint…I-I’m lost as to what to do.” Brendon admits and Nate shifts and sighs until his face is pressed into the skin of the younger boy’s neck.
It isn’t going to bring Ryan and Spencer back but for the moment it’s enough.
Later on Nate takes Brendon out to eat, neither of them are great cooks and it’s almost a painful reminder of Spencer’s lack of presence in the house. They sit across from each other in a plastic booth inside a shotty diner. Brendon’s picking at his food and Nate is attempting small talk but nothing is connecting with the younger boy, his mind is sliding from thought to though, not wanting to stay in one place for too long.
“It was my fault he took Ryan.” Brendon finally says, Nate’s perfect brown eyes widen as he sets down his drink.
“What?”
“I’m not a good person, that’s why Spencer took him, because I’m terrible.” It’s not pity, Brendon points out, no, not pity just a fact. He’s done horrible things, hurt people, and it’s only some kind of divine retribution that his punishment be losing Spencer and Ryan. He still hasn’t figured out what he did to earn back Nate.
Nate’s hand comes out to rest over Brendon’s, rubbing soothing circles over the back of his palm. “You’re not terrible, you’re not Brendon.” Nate tries to insist but the other boy already knows the true, he is, he’s a bad person.
“Nate, I’ve done bad shit.”
“I know. We’ve talked about this before. I know you’ve done drugs and had affairs; I know you were involved in things you’d rather not remember.” Brendon’s beautiful boyfriend is staring at him with wide earnest eyes and a thought strikes the younger boy. He suddenly knows what he has to do, pay back his karma, whatever the fuck you wanna call it, he has to come clean to Nate.
“You don’t know all of it.” Brendon begins, Nate’s baby face crumples into a frown but the other boy can’t back down now. “When I told you I was off drugs, I lied and I used, I still use sometimes…but I did it to save our relationship…as stupid as it seems.”
“I-I don’t understand.”
“Pete,” Brendon replies, “Pete wanted me to sleep with him again and Nate…I was fucking tempted, I wanted to and with me getting clean and Pete’s temptation, I-I just couldn’t do both. I love you so…I chose the drugs.” Brendon confesses, Nate’s mouth is a tight line and okay, yes, maybe Brendon should’ve waited until they were back to his place and not confess to his innermost sins right in the middle of some greasy little diner but he’s betting that because they’re here, Nate won’t make a scene.
Nate’s just staring with wide eyes and that tight frown but he can’t stop now. He gets up and the older boy’s eyes follow him, he plops down ungracefully next to Nate, Nate whose watching him with a mix of anger and curiousity. Brendon leans in close, lowers his voice so that only Nate will hear. “But the worst of all is what I did to Brent.” The black haired boy starts Nate tenses, obviously thinking that Brent is someone else that Brendo fooled around with.
“What did you do?” His voice is breathless but Brendon barely hesistates before his spills the darkest secret that his body holds.
“I-I shot him…I killed him.” It’s the last thing Brendon’s ever held as a secret from Nate but it’s now or never and Nate, god, he deserves the truth after all the shit he’s put up with. “And I know you must think I’m a monster, I know we just got back together and we need to work a ton of shit out, I get that. But at the same time I don’t want there to be anything, no secret or part of my past that can destroy us and now…now there isn’t.”
There’s a few long moments between the time Brendon stops talking and Nate starts, icy moments that slide down Brendon’s throat cutting off his air as he’s sure Nate is going to just get up and leave, leave Brendon and all his problems behind. Nate doesn’t though and to his utter surprise Nate rests his hand over the younger boys, both their hands warm against the cool formica counrertop.
“Are you sorry for doing it?” Nate whispers, blazing brown eyes locked on Brendon’s, it’s almost uncomfortable, the way it feels like Nate can read every thought that slips through the other boy’s mind. Brendon nods, he is sorry. Brent might have been a lousey friend but he didn’t deserve the ending he got. “You’ve never…besides him right? I mean, you’ve never-“
“No, Brent was the only one.”
Nate falls silent again and the ice returns to cut off Brendon’s air supply.
“God, Brendon, every part of me, every single part of me is telling me to walk away from you right now.” Nate begins, Brendon chokes on the ice. “It would be the smart thing to do, it would. But I can’t” Brendon opens his mouth to ask why but Nate pulls off his mindreading trick and answers before the boy can ask. “Because I love you, I love you more than anyone else I’ve ever been with.”
Brendon doesn’t want to think about that, the nameless, faceless people who once upon a time had his Nate.
“But this relationship is also the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. After all the shit we’ve been through, after how much we shared, do you really think I can just give up on you now?” Nate asks, there’s an odd shine to his eyes and his narrow face is playing at a smile.
“I really don’t want you to.” Brendon admits, Nate’s smile is real this time as he cups the younger boy’s pale, stubble rough cheek.
“I’m seeing this through to the end, I promise.”
They kiss in the middle of the dinner rush crowded diner, full and intimate and very public. They only leave once the aging waitress asks them to. It’s no problem, they go back to Nate’s place, Brendon doesn’t want to face his own empty place quite yet. He quickly remembers that he loves it at his boyfriend’s place, everything smells like Nate, everything is so essentially Nate.
Nate doesn’t fuck Brendon, Nate makes love to Brendon. Slow, romantic, like in the movies and Brendon, he’s never really had that. It’s something he’d like more of in the future.
Afterwards they sleep, after the sleep comes Nate prompting Brendon to take a shower, suggesting that the younger boy get more food in him, Brendon never realized how much he missed being taken care of. When all is said and done, the two of them are curled together on the couch, the TV is on but neither of them is watching. Nate’s got a thick bright yellow phonebook out and he’s systematically calling every person with the last name Smith in that damn book.
“No? Okay, thanks anyway.” Nate hangs up and instantly starts to punch the next number into his cell phone. He’s been at it for over an hour now and has barely cleared five pages.
“Nate, you don’t have to do this I mean-“ Nate raises a finger to silence Brendon as he tucks the cell to his ear.
“Ah, yes, I was wondering if you’ve got a Spencer Smith that lives there?” The shorter boy asks, looks at Brendon with hopeful eyes. “No? Well, maybe a son or a cousin, someone who lives in this area?” Brendon’s so sick of seeing that hope steadily drain from his boyfriends eyes.
This was the only idea either of them had, to call around and find Spencer, it was a longshot but Nate was determined to try. But Brendon knew it was an impossible task, they were grasping at straws here, Spencer and Ryan being nothing more than needles in the neverending haystack.
A handful of hours later, Brendon dozes off during the phone calls, Nate’s easy voice lulling him gently to sleep. He has fitful dreams, dark and lonely and he’s running, calling for someone he can barely make out in the shadows, reaching and straining but never quite grasping and he wakes sweaty and with a start. Nate peers at him from between his fingers where he’s brushing his bangs out of his eyes. Once he knows Brendon’s awake he turns back to the bright yellow book on his lap and flips a page.
Ten thousand Smith’s later and still nothing.
Brendon makes Nate take a break after a few more frustrating calls. “You don’t have to do this.” He repeats as he slides behind his boyfriend and rubs at the smaller man’s shoulders, feeling the tension melt away at his touch.
“I want to find them.” Nate insists, leaning back slightly resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Brendon’s fingers brush across pale neck and jaw and Nate makes soft little noises.
“It’s my responsibility Nate and I think…I think I know what I have to do.” Nate turns those burning eyes to look at him, he doesn’t even have to ask before Brendon is telling. “Its like, I’m being punished you know? The world, god, whoever is calling the shots around here, I think, I think they want me to repent.”
“What? Brendon that’s-“
“No, no, it’s what’s right.” He continues on. “I killed Brent,” Nate flinches slightly at the words. “And someone who did nothing wrong is paying for my sins, losing Ryan and Spencer was the hint, the sign that I need to get my shit together.”
“What are? What are you going to do?” Nate questions, words hot against Brendon’s jaw. Brendon strokes at Nate’s soft, soft hair and kisses his forehead. The thought is a scary one but he knows that he’s had one too many chances already, it’s time for him to fess up to his sins.
“I’m going to turn myself in.”
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