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Midnight Butterfly	By : Skwishee Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 6674 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Edited by Tech Department February 12, 2007 for database corruption related errors.

Author's Note: This chapter is a lot shorter than the others, but I'm trying to figure out how I want to do the lemon......yes there will be a lemon in the next chapter, I promise. I know there hasn't been up till now... Just bear with me. And PLEASE PELASE PLEASE REVIEW! I'm getting a lot of hits but no constructive criticism. Which makes me think nobody is interested, in which case I'm taking the story down. So if you like it and want me to continue please do let me know so I can make sure to spend time finishing it. As it is I have other stuff to do and don't want to bother if no one wants to read it. And thank you to those who have reviewed.

Kyo...

It was the sun that stole my slumber. Soft yellow hues from behind the trees, dancing shapes on the unpainted walls. I leaned back into my pillow. I didn’t know what time it was, I didn’t really care, but it felt early. Sleep had become easier, undisturbed and it was nice.

Early morning felt so different from the other parts of the day, it was almost indescribable. The air felt clearer, cooler even, it was wonderful just to breathe it all in and my body was so relaxed from hours of rest that it moved only when all my will would allow. I shifted my body in the other direction, facing my sleeping band mates. Toshiya was curled sweetly against Kaoru and his outstretched arm still lying on my waist despite my change of position.

It was strange, somehow I belonged here, under this protective arm, in these foreign sheets. My scent was on them now, they were mine. The silken expanse of cloth was my secretive heaven and I wasn’t leaving it. Though I was only ‘allowed’ to stay wrapped in it, I was grateful for the chance. I suppose I was bound to be saved from my world sooner or later by someone, it might as well have been people I cared for. My friends. It had been almost two weeks since I’ve been sleeping here, every night, no nightmares.

I pushed my head deep into the pillow, eyes heavy, mind willing itself to fall back into a peaceful reverie. Breathing slowed, warm in this bed, my bed now…not really, but I wanted to think so. I threw my arm over my eyes to block out the light that had stirred me in the first place. Not that my short time awake was unpleasant. The simple things are often the greatest.

******

I didn’t remember falling asleep but I know that I had slept for some hours preceding. Consciousness had not yet fully captured me and I had lay there in between life and dreams for a small eternity, hearing the soft sounds of breathing and the wind take the precious world outside the glassy window.

My mind was awake but my body and eyes were dead to the world, comfortably shut off and seeming lifeless, how pleasant. The world around me went on and one seemed like a sleeping beauty in a fairy tale, still for a hundred years, waiting to be stolen with a kiss. I was the prize for any who would claim me…and then…

My breathing caught slowly when something soft descended on my lips. I wondered for a brief moment if I was imagining things, dreaming. But it never felt –this- real. The scent was subtle, musky and slightly like incense, the sulfur and tobacco, jasmine… I think. Aftershave… Kaoru.

His lips stayed near mine for a moment, lingering close but not on, before pressing chastely on mine once more. They were gone as soon as they had come, like some transitory fantasy. Weight shifted on the bed and then moved to leave it just as quickly. Toshiya groaned and dangled one arm around my waist, fingers grabbing at the sheets by my side, just like some stuffed animal curled in a child’s arms.

My breath still stalled in my throat, lips still hot from the kiss…something so minor, unexpected, my small world struck by forceful pandemonium all in less than 10 seconds. It had to be some kind of record. And with that tiny kiss, something broke. My eyes fluttered open, catching the streaming rays of afternoon light. Yes, it was most certainly afternoon, after twelve anyway, the sun had been up for quite a while and the sunlight was almost hot on my face.

Kaoru was no longer in the room, the door was left open and the smell of food drifted down the open hall. Subdued voices echoed faintly from the very same direction, two voices, calm and respectful which meant Die was not awake yet. My gaze drifted down to the arm that held me in place. Nail polish flaked off slightly from Toshiya’s glossy nails, hands worn and callused from his bass, but the skin young and vibrant. And so strong, for looking so delicate. I didn’t even have to look at him to know his face. Several years of friendship and you’re bound to know every slight curve of their faces, every tone in their voice. I knew them all so well and still…(Kaoru)…they surprised me. Since the day at the hospital… a week of reflection had surfaced an attraction. I suppose it was always there, it just took this long to acknowledge it. Maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge it! Maybe I just held it back and hoped it would go away. Maybe I thought it was wrong, indecent. Or maybe I was just afraid. I had been terrified the past week. Still, the image of the two engaged with each other had rooted itself in the back of my mind, refusing to be obliterated. It must’ve had some meaning then if it refused to go.

Haunted in my head. Curious. They were so lost to each other, so consumed by pleasure. Even during the act with past lovers, had I ever been as lost as they were?

Had I ever been so frenzied in my desire that the simple act of pleasure became something purely divine? Transcending all boundaries to something beyond heaven? Never, no one fueled that passion, no one gave me wings…not until you di…
My eyes widened at the realization. Not until –you- cut them loose in that club. I stared down at Toshiya, almost horrified at the thoughts that swam across my head. And I knew… I wanted to give in. I wanted to be the one writhing under Toshiya, over him, with him. A cold sweat formed on my brow, my mind now in a conscious uproar. I wanted that? No, I couldn’t have wanted that! It was sick, sick for me to think that way when Toshiya wasn’t mine. He was my friend and that’s all he’d ever be. And besides, Kaoru was right…I’m straight. I loved women…but none were ever as beautiful as……NO! I buried my face in my hands, careful not to wake the man beside me, the object of my own sordid affection. No, obsession. That’s what it was I’m sure, because I never –thought- about anything these past few days, I obsessed over it, I let it take control. And… sweet fucking god! If none of this was true, if I didn’t feel anything towards Toshiya than why was it bothering me so much to say I did, even worse when I say I don't. I didn’t like him…love him. FUCK! I hit my head hard against the back of the headboards, hoping to knock myself unconscious, get a concussion, bleed to death, something...something that would make all this confusion stop.

Toshiya moaned and shifted to hold me closer and I stopped frozen, wanting to escape, wishing he was strong enough to crush my pitiful body in this embrace. Break through bone, would it kill me? Or would I just lie here broken…still under his spell…

I moved to break out of his hold but he curled tighter against me, still sleeping softly, but…

“Don’t…” I stared down at him in wonder and shifted once again, “Please Kyo….” His voice was soft and drowsy and as it was barely perceptible, I wondered if I had heard it at all. “Don’t leave me….” His voice never carried beyond a whisper, his lips scarcely formed the words, but he –had- said them. But his voice sounded sad and distressing, his hands now clutching almost painfully at my sides.

“I……L…….” his voice stopped and fell back into a somewhat deeper sleep. Subtle tears glittered at the corners of his eyes, reflecting light as they shined like tiny drops of diamonds. Toshiya crying diamonds……Ha! If someone could it would be him. Pushed by a desperate want to still them, I leaned down and kissed away a tear, faintly tasting a small gem-like drop as it clung to my lips and holding onto the flavor as time stood still. Yes, like diamonds. Damn it all…Damn him…I knew giving into this would end up killing me…but I just had this eerie fondness for getting broken.

******************

4/26 2:00 pm

Distracted eyes, flickering, watching silently the subtle movement of delicious hips swaying back and forth to the beat, compulsively observing every shift that the vocalist willed to his body. And disobedient fingers long forgetting the feel of the grooved frets upon the sleek body of his Eve.

The room stopped, flowing over in an unbroken silence.

“Totchi…” Kaoru spoke first, noticing the faraway look in the bassist’s eyes. “You could at least pretend to play your lines. We –are- at practice…Humor us.” Kaoru’s frustration was apparent. Toshiya bit his lip and fidgeted, snapping back to reality, looking back down from their leader’s gaze and at the glossy finish of his baby, running his fingers lightly over the strings.

“Gomenasai!!!! I’m just not feeling that great, can I sit this one out?”

Shinya sighed. “You –do- realize that our final’s tomorrow.”

Toshiya nodded and held Eve closer to him, running his hand carelessly down the neck of the bass. “Hai hai, I’m ready… I could play in my sleep.”

Kaoru shrugged, “Alright, go sit down, just be ready by tomorrow ne?”

Again Toshiya gave a slight nod and placed his bass back into its case so gently that some might’ve thought it to be made of glass. He slunk over to the old worn couch and stretched out, laying his head on the arm rest and closing his eyes as the music began again, beautiful but lacking that extra sound to bring it into heaven.

He hadn’t realized that just that one kiss at the club nearly two and a half weeks ago would’ve affected him at all. But it had. Undisputedly, it had. He had loved Kyo for as long as he had been a part of his life, which was to Toshiya, as long as he wanted to remember. Nothing mattered before Dir en grey to him, well, things mattered…some people even mattered, but since then they had become shadows and he had found another light.

In loving Kyo from a distance he could survive, without knowing his touch, his taste and his scent he could live on unaffected and concentrate simply on loving him as it was allowed, as a friend. But that effortless slip-up in his will had sent him straight towards that forbidden pleasure and now the addict in him could no longer live without that controlling hit. And there was no time, he had to focus, had to play the music. He ached to play, another kind of hit, but this addiction was harmless…too many he possessed could be fatal. No lover could kill him this way.

Toshiya sighed in irritation and rolled over, shoving his face into the deep cushions of leather and screamed as loud as he was able. The sound barely muffled by the black cushions, and then sound seemed to stop. Sound –had- stopped and he whipped around to be met with the confused eyes of four very curious men. He’d done that out loud hadn’t he?

“Are you okay?” Die asked, almost afraid to come any closer. Toshiya faked a huge smile and nodded assuredly. “Tension breaker. I need a smoke….” Before anyone could say another word he had made off with a pack of cigs and was already out the door.

Die scratched his head, “That was scary. Kyo, go see if he’s okay.”

Kyo scowled, staring at his microphone. “Why me?”

Die smirked and patted his head. “’Cause you’re little and cute and Totchi won’t hit you.”

Kyo shot a glare, but decided not to argue. He was annoyed as it was and getting pissed wasn’t going to make anything better. He threw on his coat and headed through the side door. Why did people go out into the fresh air just to breathe in smoke anyway? Wasn’t that a bit redundant?

Toshiya leaned up against the brick and growled, sliding down to sit on his knees. This had not been the best day. He –was- ready for the live but how was he expected to concentrate on playing when Kyo was shirtless and writhing only a few feet from him. That was just mean.

Sure he slept with shirtless Kyo every night, but that was different, way different. He didn’t have to see him all night, he could turn and shove his face into Kaoru’s chest, which he usually did and completely forget that the vocalist was even there. Fate was an evil sadistic bitch. He smiled envisioning a cartoon chibi-Totchi running over ‘Fate’ with his car, over and over again, watching her little cartoon limbs get ripped off. He let out a happy squawk and pulled a cigarette from the carton, fumbling for his lighter, which he’d managed to leave in the practice room only a few moments prior. 'Of course. Thanks a lot, bitch.' He twirled the white stick around in his fingers, brushing back his hair in aggravation.

Something silver flashed in the corner of his eye and he turned, catching the silver and black setting of Kyo’s X lighter. He’d never been happier to see that logo in his life. 'FIRE! YAY' Kyo flicked the flint of the lighter and brought it to Totchi’s range, watching Toshiya ignite the end of the cigarette and slide it between those full lips, exhaling the ghost-like smoke into the cool breeze.

“Arigatou.” Toshiya laughed, snorting smoke through his nose. “I really need to quit ne? This is sad.” Kyo smiled and nodded, sitting down beside his friend.

“Yeah me too. But not today.” He laughed, watching Toshiya, and leaned in to take a slow drag once it was away from Toshiya, who watched with hidden amusement. “Maybe Shinya’s right.”

“He usually is.” Retorted Toshiya, staring intently toward the door leading back into the studio. “I guess you came to see why I left ne? They always send you out for these jobs.”

Kyo frowned. “I noticed. If you don’t wanna talk about it I’ll make something up for you. They’re too nosy sometimes.”

“Arigatou. Are they planning on going out tonight?”

Kyo nodded. “Don’t they always go out? I’m staying home, maybe watching a few movies, I don’t like the whole club atmosphere much.”

Toshiya thought for a minute, watching Kyo from the corner of his eye. He’d rather spend a night with Kyo on the couch than out with the boys. “Do you mind if I hang with you tonight?”

Kyo looked surprised. “You don’t wanna get all dressed up and party?”

“No, I have a date with my sweat pants tonight, besides I want some company that won’t annoy me for the moment.” Kyo snickered knowing damn well that if Totchi went out he’d get a ‘talking to’ by the rest of the band. “Sure, we can rent some on the way home, get some take out.”

“Sugoi.” Kyo smiled and dug deep in the pockets of his fur coat, searching for his cigarettes, while he was out here he was bound to make the most of it. No luck. Tactic number two: bumming cigs, a lesson.

“Ne Totchi,” Kyo motioned to the white carton on Toshiya’s lap. “Do you mind? I seriously need a hit.” Toshiya smiled, his baser instincts kicked in and as he inhaled a rather long drag from his fading cigarette and held it in, he leaned over and covered Kyo’s mouth with his own, breathing into Kyo the nicotine as he tasted the soft lips. Kyo was stunned but simply leaned into it, breathing in the smoke and exhaling it through his nose as Toshiya pulled away, smiling, he stood and dropped the cigarette package in Kyo’s lap and waved. “See you tonight then. I get to pick a couple movies ne? Ja.”

Dark eyes stared at the carton resting against the tan fur of his jacket, he stared as though it had just moved or spoken, too shocked and excited to comprehend what just happened. All he knew was that it had to have been the most interesting thing to ever happen. Toshiya was certainly creative.

A devious smirk stole Kyo’s features, and suddenly he had a new idea for a song. He leaned back against the brick and licked his lips, “Sweet my honey.”

7:42 pm

It was just getting dark when the last notes of ‘Macabre’ gave out and faded with the light. Still, this energy remained locked in the room, making its rounds through each of the members as they breathed in a collective sigh.

“That was awesome!” Kaoru exclaimed. For hours they’d been playing hard, Toshiya especially, giving all he had into his bass and it paid off, leader-san was happy. “I thought you were feeling bad?” Toshiya smiled coyly. “I guess I just needed a break…and a smoke.” His eyes wandered towards Kyo but no one, not even Kaoru caught the subtle glance as the words rolled out of his mouth.

Kaoru set his guitar down and wrapped his arms around Toshiya. “You play like that tomorrow and I’ll give you a present.” The bassist’s eyes lit up at the suggestion. “In that case…I think I can manage it.” The words were almost whispered into the guitarist’s ear. Kaoru cleared his throat, and sat down on the couch, taking Toshiya with him.

“So are you coming with us Kyo-kun?” Kyo shook his head. “Iie, I feel like bonding with the couch tonight, watch a few movies.” Kaoru tossed his head to the side. “Sounds good, we won’t be back till late though.” Toshiya stood up and crossed his arms. “I’m gonna do the same, after today I just don’t feel much like partying. Besides if Kyo falls asleep…” Kaoru smiled, knowing that they hadn’t left Kyo alone since the night spent at the emergency room and Toshiya was right, it would be best not to leave him totally alone for awhile, especially since it would be very late before they managed to wander back into the house.

“Ah! You’re probably right. Like I said, we won’t be back till later, but I have my cell if you need anything ok?”

Toshiya nodded happily and gathered his things and the keys and Kyo followed him towards the door.

“Ja ne! And for the record…” Kyo peeked his head back in the room and smiled at Kaoru. “You worry waaay too much.”
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Midnight Butterfly