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Silver and Cold	By : Calixte Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 3940 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Yami990: Lolz, thanks for the cookies! A little bribe never hurt anyone ^^!

B: of course I'll keep going with this story! It does bug me that people don't wanna read it just cuz there's no guy on guy action, but I really like writing this stuff, so it shouldn't matter.

-Chapter Five-

-Dir En Grey's rehearsal time-

"Totchi?" I laughed out loud. "That's what your fans call you?" I nearly snorted as I imagined myself calling him that. It sounded cute, sure, but I wasn't much for cute. Well, there was one exception, that being Shinya's dogs.

"It's not that bad," Toshiya said, sounding hurt, but I could hear him trying to stifle a laugh. "I didn't make it up,"

"Oh sure," I was still laughing. "And birds don't fly," I rolled my eyes, but I hugged Toshiya's arm playfully. Shinya was once again sitting silently in a corner, with Miyu of course. Ever since morning, he was avoiding me yet again. "Don't worry, TOTCHI, I'm only joking," I teased.

Toshiya pretended to be offended by me. "Say sorry," He said in a low, menacing voice. I let go of him and folded my arms across my chest stubbornly.

"And if I don’t?" I raised my brows as a silent challenge.

Toshiya approached like a jaguar, ready to pounce on its prey. He was a whole head taller then me, and when he stood just inches away from me, I had to look straight up to meet his eyes. "You don't wanna know," He said darkly.

I stepped foreword. "Yeah? Try me,"

He grinned like a Cheshire cat, "You can't handle it," He said as he walked towards his bass.

"Totchi," My voice was high and whiney. "You can't walk away from me," I purposely wanted to sound annoying. As soon as I said that, Die walked through the door. My spirited expression immediately fell to a grimace.

"Oh look," I mumbled. "My tormentor has arrived,"

"I didn't know you were so happy to see me," Die smirked before walking behind me, snaking an arm around my waist and kissing the back of my neck. I immediately ripped away.

"Hey!" I gasped, my hand unconsciously trailing back to the spot his lips touched. My face felt like it was on fire. "Y-you can't just w-walk up to me a-a-and kiss me whenever a-a-a-and wherever you want!" I spluttered.

"Why not?" Die was acting innocent.

"Because!" I couldn't even think of a reason. Toshiya seemed oblivious and was strumming something on his bass.

Die smiled slowly. "Sorry, do I make you uncomfortable?" He asked, tipping his head to the side. His eyes flicked from my face to my chest. I covered myself like I had just caught a chill.

"Why are you so mean?" I sounded like a child yet again.

He played with my hair, which was pulled back. "I'm not mean, you just don’t like me," He said.

I swatted his hand away, and tightened the elastic band holding my hair back. "Great, now you're talking in riddles," I sighed, and slouched a little, looking away. Die was still standing in front of me. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was still watching me.

Toshiya sighed in exasperation. "Will you two never stop?"

"I'll stop if he stops," I glowered at Die.

"I'm not known to be a quitter," Die grinned when I groaned out of vexation.

"You-" I couldn't finish that sentence. Instead, I turned and went to sit with Shinya. As I practically fell on the couch, Shinya's frail form bobbed up and down like a ship on rough waters.

Shinya's voice was nothing more then a whisper. "Don’t be so troubled by Die," He was going to reach out and touch my shoulder, but then his hand paused, hovered in mid air, then recoiled back. Somehow, that hurt much more then Die's words. "Dio?" I pressed my lips together, desperately wishing that he wouldn't say my name the way he did. I didn't know what it was, but somehow it made me shiver.

"What?" I snapped unintentionally, silencing Shinya. I turned to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that," I mumbled. "I'm a little.. agitated, you could say,"

He had an understanding look about him, and he just nodded. I ran a hand through my dark, pin-straight hair and bit my lip, hard. I hadn't done that all day yesterday. I looked up at Shinya again; my eyes shining with unshed tears. I wasn't about to cry from sadness, though. More like utter frustration and desperation resulting from my current situation.

"Ugh!" I groaned, feeling even more annoyed when I couldn't stop my tears from falling. "God, this is so screwed up!"

"What is?" Shinya's voice was cool and steady.

"This!" I lowered my voice so that neither Toshiya nor Die could hear. "Everything! I mean, I've gotten so low that I need to accept charity!"

He looked surprised by this. "Are you talking about yesterday?" He asked.

"What do you think?" I hissed, sounding crueler then I intended. But this time, I didn't take it back.

"I think..." Shinya looked at me with dead eyes. His eyes alone made me want to cry more. "I think that you can't tell the difference between charity and sheer kindness," He stood up, taking Miyu with him. He didn't need to say any more. I knew exactly what he meant.

Alone, finally, I wrapped my arms around my knees and bit back my tears, bottling them inside myself, but all I felt was numb. Terrifyingly numb.

I reached into my pocket, and toke out a small pocketknife. I needed to feel something, anything. I flicked the blade out and rolled my sleeve up, staring at the milky skin of my wrist. Bracing myself, I swiftly lowered the knife and ran it over my wrist. It left a red mark, blood rapidly surfacing.

I grabbed a piece of blank paper and held it over the wound, making sure that it wasn't noticeable.

***

I didn't listen to Dir En Grey's songs while they practiced. I vaguely recalled Kyo complaining that Toshiya's bass was too loud, and then they positioned the speakers in a different direction. Then Kaoru began to complain that it was hurting his ears and, well... it was all extremely taxing. I was glad to be back in Shinya's apartment, sitting on his carpet, with Yuyu in my arms.

Yuyu made a pitiful little noise and I offered her a listless smile. "What are you whining about?" I asked, not expecting an answer, of course.

Shinya was sitting in his living chair, reading a book. It was then that I began to feel truly awful about what I had said to him.

"Shinya?" I sounded like a mouse. Just like Yuyu, I wasn't expecting an answer. And I didn't get one. "Please talk to me?" I pleaded.

He placed his book onto his lap. "What do you want to talk about?" His voice was no longer comforting. It sounded distant and impersonal.

"I... I don't know what to say to you," I sighed. "I was just so caught up with my own feelings that I didn't consider yours," It sounded corny, like it was ripped straight out of a cheesy soap opera. "Forgive me?" Somehow, it was so cliché.

He watched me for a moment. "I was never angry with you," He said, walking over to me and sitting down, patting Yuyu quickly. "I believe you are just very... confused," He didn't sound like he was satisfied with the word. "You don't know what you want,"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't understand," I shook my head.

"Exactly," He acted as if it was plain as day.

I couldn't help but crack a smile. He gave me one of his own, shy grins. Unintentionally, I reached out and grasped his hand in mine. He immediately tensed up, and I pulled my hand back like a scared animal.

"I'm sorry," I looked away, embarrassed. "I didn't-"

"No," Shinya mumbled, though he sounded unsure. Carefully, he laced his slim fingers with my own. His hand was trembling, but I didn't care. "I don't want you to be sorry for my skittishness,"

I laughed quietly through a closed mouth, my eyes cast down, staring out our hands. It was only then that I saw the scar I had inflicted upon myself earlier. With a gasp, I quickly hid my arm.

Shinya frowned. "What are you doing?" He asked. I released his hand and hid it under my other arm. I didn't know whether to tell him or just keep it to myself.

He toke hold of my arm and brought it back out. I didn't stop him. He raised the sleeve of my shirt, revealing the nightmare of tiny red slits, and a disappointed sigh escaped from him.

"I accidentally scratched myself on your counter," I stretched out the word 'accidentally'.

"Stop it," Shinya said firmly, surprising me to no end. I had never taken Shinya as one to snap. "Don't do this to yourself," He sounded like a beggar starved for food and drink.

"I have to!" This time I surprised myself. "Don't you understand?" I cried out, scaring Yuyu off my lap. "I need to feel something!"

Out of nowhere, Shinya grabbed both my hands, and silenced me. Slowly, he moved closer. I could literally feel the fear radiating from him. But regardless, his soft lips met mine, warm and inviting. I was paralyzed, unsure of whether to respond or wait until he continued the kiss.

He moved away, but only to kiss me again. I felt drowsy, the effect similar to that of too many cocktails. This time his velvet tongue darted through my lips, giving me a shock. I moved away, staring at him. We were both panting.

"You said you needed to feel something," He said quietly. I gazed blankly at him, but underneath my calm exterior, my mind was screaming. 'What? What? WHAT? What happened? Why? What do I do now?' I couldn't figure it out.

"Shinya..." I began, but he stopped me.

"No," He seemed to enjoy that word. "Please, don't say anything. I don't want to know what you're going to say,"

I dropped my eyes to star at my marred wrists. He moved closer slowly, and suddenly I realized I was scared. Scared to get close to him. Shinya, of all people. God, what was wrong with me?

"Don't," I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "We can't go through with this,"

"Why?" He sounded dejected.

"Because no good could come from this," I continued to stare at my arms. One of his hands was still loosely linked with mine. "We'll just end up breaking up, and then there'll be this awkwardness between us, and worst of all, we won't be able to be friends," I squirmed uncomfortably.

"Are we friends?" Shinya was the one who sounded like a child now.

I struggled to meet his line of vision. "Yes," I answered him. "Of course we are,"

His face was cold and introverted again, and for a moment I wanted the other Shinya to come back, but I knew better.

Silently, he turned on his television and this time, the silence was less then comfortable.

-End of Chapter Five-

Review, please! It's what I live for! Ok.. that sounded desperate. O_O
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Silver and Cold