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May All Be Pain or Love	By : Skwishee Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 5674 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING but my cat and a few random cds...this is not for profit and this is FICTION. Get over it.

Author's Notes: WOW!! You guys really delivered on the reviews this time, made me super happy!!! It didn't take long at all to get 5 reviews!! Keep it up, it's really encouraging. Incidentally I'm sorry for the lateness of this chapter. 1) it was irritating, 2) I've had tons of shit going on from Dad and my cat both going to the hospital (everything turned out fine ^^), friend trouble and general depression. But all of that is OVER and I am free to do as I please now, hurrah! I have this whole story written out to Chapter 8 right now, but I've been adding and changing things and that's why they take me so long. But from here on out I really won't change very much in the finished chapters I've already got, because I'm actually pretty happy with them. I've stared at this chapter so much I hate it and can't tell if it's ok anymore X_X I think it may be a bit slow and there's not alot of conversation, but it's the point where the plot actually gets started, so it's necessary. I guess consider it an important filler and go from there. THANK YOU AGAIN for the reviews. They were very appreciated!

Chapter 4

o o o

It's hard to describe what I felt that next morning. I was hoping to wake up still pressed up against him, my face buried in his hair, his body still enshrouding certain parts of mine, and that precious comfort he gave me simply by being near me staying fast? I thought all of this because I was some twisted romanticist...but truthfully, that's not how I awoke at all.

Some invisible happening had forced me awake in a hurry and I had righted myself in one swift movement , snapping up in the sheets as though I had heard a loud noise and gathered my surroundings with sleep still in my eyes. He wasn't beside me, he wasn't even in the room. I imagined I should have felt a bitter pang of resentment then for being abandoned in the early morning, but I was too tired to dwell on it then. Instead, I let myself go back to where I had been laying, caressing the bare spot next to me, determined to stay exactly as I was, inhaling the scent of him till it filled every pore of my body and my sex, until I desperately craved release of him and my immature desires. At least in my head I could imagine he was still with me.

There was still that trail of blood on the linens...

I had fallen asleep again staring at it, surrounded by the smell of chrysanthemums.

I was beginning to wonder if I would ever wake up at all...

Then it had come to a point where I had stirred though it didn't seem that my eyes would open any longer. Now, they merely fluttered in a blurry mess and sank back together, effectively shutting out the light again. The sheets smelled too much like Kyo when my face was pressed this closely to them...

I knew that I had fallen asleep again when I realized that the door to the courtyard had been opened and a wonderfully cool breeze feathered against my face. It was beginning to feel like spring at last, the temperature finally settling from moderately cool to a comfortable warmth that coupled itself with wispy, light winds that brought in the sweet smell of newly flowered plant-life, and the sun rode the sky so gracefully and with so much passion that the two seemed like long lost lovers coming together again after a year apart.

It was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes, this partnership, the little flowering trees and young maples, and the pond just there in the center. One of the servants was washing a few garments in a basin outside on one of the patios as she hummed a familiar song. Her hair was long but pulled up away from her face, which looked no older than sixteen or thereabouts and this child blushed furiously when she picked up her head and caught sight of me by accident.

I was drawn from her by a soft noise. Kyo was kneeling by his low enamel table, varnished ebony, eating rice from a bowl set on a similarly painted tray. He looked as though he had been there for a very long time as there were notes and ledgers scattered around him, some of which he was studying silently. His brushes and ink stone were set beside him on the table.

I watched him from my place in the bed, loving the childish way he twirled his chopsticks around in the rice before bringing any to his mouth. All the while I silently cursed myself for being so enamored by him and the vile way that he could dominate all my consciousness.

"You're awake." he said at last, breaking through my daydream. "I thought you were going to sleep forever."
Suddenly I was aware that I had slept in his bed all night, and that no doubt my presence here had been observed by more than just Kyo and myself...and Kyo had opened the door to the courtyard...I scrambled for my robes that I thought were laying at the bedside, but there was nothing there.

"Hana is washing your clothes." he said calmly, not even looking up from his tray. "They were a bit...soiled, you know. I had her take them."
I pulled the sheets up protectively, not hiding from him (after all that would have been pointless) but from the cool air and prying eyes that both swept through the open door every now and then.
"What am I supposed to...?"
Before I could finish he threw me a thin kimono made of plain colored jacquard silk which I quickly put on. As I was tying it together I couldn't help but speak, there were so many things on my mind.

"Why didn't you make me leave? You let me sleep all day."
"It's only mid afternoon." he said. "You were tired."
"Well someone must have seen me here..."
He looked up from his tray and gave me a curious look. "Yes, I suppose someone must have. Naoya I imagine as he came to fetch me that robe for you."
I looked at him, puzzled. "You're not worried? I expected after my outburst last night that you'd be twice as careful about someone seeing us."
"It was precisely last night that changed my mind." he said simply.
I stood and padded over to the table and sat down before him. I hadn't understood him. "What do you mean?"
He sighed and moved aside his bowl so that he could place his hands on the table, a small gesture to show he was paying attention. "It was just that I realized whether people see it or not doesn't change the fact that we're doing what it is we're doing. Anyways it's not so fair to either of us to be made to crawl for each other in the dark as though we were going on illicit errands. It's not fair for this to be made a shameful affair, do you see? I'm only saying what you've been thinking all along. I came to my senses. You should be happy and keep from thinking about it so much."
"How can I not!? Don't pretend you weren't terrified by the prospect of being found out just last night. It's true that I hate being forced into this secrecy, but I know it has a purpose: To protect you. You know opening up about this...us...will make you more of a target." I laughed, but it was hollow and spiteful. "For god sakes, now you have me preaching to you, in favor of something I hate. You make an awful habit of eating away my sanity you know. I probably would have grown to be a rational man otherwise."
"You really think so?"
I scowled at him.
"You think I'm being condescending but I'm not." he said. "And I'm not scolding you so don't think that either."
I laid my hand flat against the table, "Alright, so say it's out in the open..."
"It is..." was his answer to my statement, which I hadn't expected a reply to.
I wet my chapped lips. "...so what will change?"
"Nothing." he said. "Though I hope you'll be more inclined to listen when I call for you..."
I cleared my throat, "What do you mean nothing? Surely something has to change, doesn't it? You argue with me, you sleep with me, you let me be seen and now you say that we should live in the open..."
"Are you accusing me of contradicting myself?" he looked at me curiously.
Was I? Yes, yes I was. "Well...yes." I said.
He sighed, "Just because I slept with you doesn't mean that what I told you last night is forgotten. I know you...you worry too much. Look, last night happened...well, it just happened. I didn't expect you would come to my room and I didn't intend to get so carried away...I still want you to grow up and until you do nothing will change. Don't you think that's fairly straight forward?"

"I don't know what to think when it comes to you. Especially so when you're asking me to sleep in your bed and your body as though you loved me and the next day say that you had just gotten 'carried away' and that perhaps whatever emotion I thought was there hadn't really been there at all."
He stared at me, almost shocked. He was probably.
"Kaoru..."
I closed my eyes, hoping he would say something meaningful, maybe even that he would be sweet, tell me how he thought about me all day as I did him. I wanted him to. At least let it bring a smile to his face, I thought.

"I need you to go find Toshiya." he said at last. I pushed the table so hard when I rose that it nearly flew into him. His expression was detached but in his eyes there was a lingering shred or regret or sadness, something that kept me from getting angry, which really only made me want to scream.
"I sent him to the blacksmith early this morning but he hasn't come back yet. I imagine he's still there, you know how Yamada-san likes to talk. I want you to bring him back, I don't like him being on his own right now, he's not as strong as you."
I was torn between wanting to scream and wanting to cry.
"You could have woken me up....I would have gone instead, and he'd be here...safe in your arms..." It seemed to take all my will to say it, but as I was his retainer it seemed to be my job.
He sighed heavily and shook his head, for the first time gaining some visible allusion to being loving.
"I wanted you to sleep in, you've done too much. Stop worrying, Kaoru. I would like to have stayed with you but..."
I slid the door open before he said anything else. "I'll be back with Toshiya."

o o o

However much wealth our family had amassed, it was a staggering fact that we had not always been so lucky. In actuality, we had upraised ourselves by any means we could rally. We worked by our sword and many undertakings we had done were not without their own contemptible nature. So you see we are not without our own regrets, but we did what we had to do to resurrect ourselves whether it was ethical or no.

Not all of us had come to this by our skill in bujutsu. Toshiya had chosen to live his life in a custom most befitting a woman. His sin in all this struggle was not his contribution to our cause, but the means by which he had contributed. As I have said, we all did things we weren't proud of, but because Toshiya had no sword skill in that age he had turned to ways far more foul than immoral mercenary work. He had been a dansho, a male prostitute who took his aesthetic form as that of a woman's. He had worn beautiful kimono and kanzashi in his hair, a highly ornamented courtesan, and highly expensive for his beauty.

Without a doubt, the money he took in was great and never once had I heard him complain as to how he had earned it, and indeed the rest of us were oblivious, assuming he had taken odd jobs from the magistrates. We had even suspected that he might have been a runner for the brothels, taking messages to and from the clients that bought themselves a girl for the night. What we had never expected was that he was part of the brothel itself.

This tale can be cut short by saying that this lifestyle had been ended quickly after it was that we four had found out, only because Kyo was fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have born witness to one of his client's cruelty. It was the first time he had ever been mad enough to kill, and he did. It was in a little alley way, in between two vying confectionary shops a mile north of the Kamo river that it had taken place, Toshiya with his robe hiked up to his thighs, a man in between them. Kyo told me the tears that streamed down Toshiya's face were so thick with sadness that they glittered in the moonlight and the weight in his heart upon seeing this was almost heavy enough to snap it in two. The blows the man threw to his beautiful face and the subsequent bruising that formed on Toshiya's skin had broken down the wall that sealed Kyo's anger.

Pleased to just abuse his whore, the client had given little thought to there being another in the alley, until he was suddenly made aware of a clawed hand sliding effortlessly through his insides, propelled by a fantastical strength. His skin seemed to tear apart as if he were made of paper.

The desecrated body was dropped, lifeless, to the dirty ground, then grabbing the misused beauty's hand the little demon ran, hand in hand till they were out of the city and well within view of our then modest home. I'd been coming up another path and found himself at the front door: Kyo, whose blood soaked arms cradled a weeping treasure.

Since that day we had protected Toshiya like he was our family fortune, though now it's unthinkable and a little funny that he was once so weak. Years ago he had been trained by our kunoichi and had become adept in the ninjutsu arts. His speed and stealth were unfathomable but his strength was small. Still, it didn't mean we didn't watch him and cater to him like a jewel. Also he was employed as Kyo's consort, but of his own will. Maybe it seemed to him a way to pay Kyo back for releasing him from his former life.

You may think it strange that it would be perfectly normal for him and Kyo to have such a relationship, but for Kyo and I to have the same...that was not so well received. This was because while the general opinion declared that it was a perfectly normal gesture for a wealthy daimyo to select a beautiful boy to be his consort, it was disagreeable that a relationship of the same sex be maintained as a love affair when it involved a member of the ruling class. However, this sort of pairing was not uncommon or objectionable within the samurai classes. In fact, homosexuality, as a rule, was looked upon with almost as much respect as its opposite, providing of course that it was for the long haul and not any sort of paltry fling. A samurai who kept a lover and a wife or slept around within their ranks would be looked upon as no better than a whore.

That said it would be offensive should I lie with my own lover simply because I was a vassal in his service. Thus, Toshiya went to him and I did not.

I really didn't mind because Toshiya was so close to us all. Mostly I was relieved, I guess you could say, because he was being cared for since I couldn't do it myself, but there were times, yes, whenever we could sneak away, somewhere where we couldn't be seen, where it was dark. Kyo and I would consume each other whole, though these instances had grown increasingly seldom. Our household (which was affectionately nicknamed 'Miya-tei' by those who lived within its walls) was now home to 124 people: servants, samurai and their families as well as the five of us, so we were hardly ever alone and anywhere we had the mind to escape to we inevitably met with more watchful eyes.

We had come to realize that, by ascending from our impoverished life we had forced ourselves further apart. Instead of his lover I became his chief retainer and no one knew otherwise save for Toshiya, Dai and Shinya, but I wondered, now that Naoya had seen me...now that Kyo had let him see me...what would follow?

o o o

I rushed to sannei-zaka, avoiding the enterprising merchants and throngs of potential buyers as I made my way toward the kajiya. I had my heart set on being angry at Toshiya, or maybe even a bit jealous that Kyo was more concerned with him than he was with me, but I knew I wasn't really being rational. Anyway, as soon as I saw him all the negative thoughts that I might have been entertaining toward him dissipated as though they were particles of sand being blown away by a calming wind. In fact...the second I saw him a grin came to my face because he looked so exasperated.

Yamada-san was standing by him looking smug, though most people looked that way when they spoke to Toshiya. It was a sort of congratulatory expression as though they were thinking how special they were that someone as stunning as Toshiya was speaking to them in broad daylight. Not that Yamada-san couldn't get any beautiful person to stop and say hello to him. He had this way about him that was so comfortable and so pleasing that even the most stuck up of girls I'd seen lingering near his shop every once in awhile.

Everytime I saw him it struck up a funny mental image. Out of the five of us it was Shinya who had a bizzare fascination with him and loitered around his shop like it was a shrine. It was mostly because Yamada-san (who was also named Shinya as luck would have it) was the best Taiko drummer in Kyoto and Shinya had always been completely fascinated with the subject. The thought of such a quiet person turning into a dumbstruck girl in front of him was highly amusing.

"Oh thank god you've come for me." he said, and after he'd said it he turned right around and bowed low to Yamada-san. "Forgive my rudeness. But you do have a habit of catching me with your stories and I can never find the time to go home."
Yamada-san only laughed. "No. I can't imagine that I'd do such a thing." he smiled at me. "I think he stays here because he's a little enamored by me you know. I've told him that I have a wife, but he's so persistent."
I laughed at Toshiya's addled expression. "I'll try to keep him away,sensei, but he's very much in love with you, you see."
Now Toshiya was glaring evilly at me, same open mouth.
" I feel sorry for him, you know, so I speak with him and keep him company. It's the least I can do really after breaking his heart."
Toshiya scrunched his face up angrily but it only made him look like a pouting child, and he was so frustrated by our joking that he couldn't think of anything to say.
I was made to stand awhile and speak to him, because once he got to talking it was a difficult chore of it to try and move away. On any given day I would have stood there till the sun went down, but I was still agitated and didn't want to end up getting frustrated and taking it out on anyone else. I remember thinking that metal-working, while he was the best in Kyoto, should not have been his profession. He would have made a much better author.

After awhile Toshiya placed his torashuko on the center block that sat next to the furnace and asked him to temper the blades and that he'd come by again to pick it up. Honestly it didn't need much work but he had offered it up as a way to distract Yamada-san from speaking.

As we both left the shop I felt Toshiya stumble into me, his hands clutching my shoulders demurely. Sometimes he reminded me so much of a woman and others he was so much the man. It was a constant struggle for me to resolve how it was that I should treat him at any given moment: like a woman or like a man. At that moment in time I only looked down curiously as he was worrying over his feet and had noticed one of his zori had broken a strap and had come off on the steps of the kajiya.

A voice behind us called out that he had spotted the 'lady's' rogue sandal.

The man who'd addressed us there on the street had a hideous broad face. His eyes were too close together and an awful smell, which I likened to the odor of rotten eggs, (which wasn't a pleasant smell in the warm air) came off his clothes. There was another man beside him who was smaller and thinner; his hair was pulled into a top knot and the top of his head was closely shaven.

When I turned it took a moment for their expressions to change, when they did it was because both had caught sight of our house's crest as it was embroidered on my haori, they both sneered," Miyamoto..." The tone of their collective voices changing dramatically from when they had called out helpfully only a moment ago and the taller one's face dropped and instantly became more unsightly than before.

The two of them stared at me with contempt and I slid my thumb upon the hilt of my sword, unlocking the brace just enough to flash a shard of steel, letting them know that I was more than willing to fly to the offensive if they approached without making their intentions clear or if they were to cause any trouble for us. My unspoken threat was noted but not obeyed as the tall one came closer, leaving his companion to stand a fair ways behind him.

"Now, I wonder what business that Oni's dogs have in sannei-zaka." The big one said. He was too arrogant. I could tell by his posture if the obvious inflections in his voice hadn't given him away.

"I'm afraid that's our business, gentlemen." I held out my hand. "No quarrel, if you'll just give me the sandal..." I replied, trying my best to be restrained.

He looked over Toshiya for a moment, ignoring my words, eyes skimming over his bare legs, the haori that hit mid thigh and he sneered, no longer thinking him the 'lady'. "Purchasing meat outside of pontocho is illegal."

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you implying?"

He smiled often just to spite me, showing off his chipped and yellowed teeth. "Implying? Why nothing. I'm -saying- the magistrates forced good laws to keep prostitution off public streets in this district. You're doing yourself no favors by breaking them."

"I am Miyamoto, therefore any beautiful creature I'm with must be a whore, is that it? Well you're wrong and it's none of your concern anyway, what Toshiya is."

"Is that so? I think it is, we've made good deals with the magistrates to keep an eye on this area. Unless...she wants to work out a payment for letting you get away with it..." Coming a few steps closer he lay a hand on Toshiya's thigh and before I could blink he had a kunai to the bastard's throat and his deep voice kissed the air in all its sultry glory.
"Touch me again and I'll cut off your balls...if I can find them."
His eyes widened when the realization hit him. Toshiya was a man. He stumbled backwards, an angry glare fixed in his eyes and he spat on the ground below Toshiya's feet.
"Disgusting!" He hissed through his gnarled teeth. The sandal in his hand he threw towards Toshiya and it slapped his leg with a crude, offensive sound. He instinctively cringed and dropped to his knees to retrieve the shoe. I was stunned at their rudeness. Even in the midst of a feud I would have never approached a member of their house with such a vile attitude.

"But to be expected of Miyamoto samurai." said the skinny one. "A boy who thinks he's a samurai and a whore that thinks he's kunoichi, I can't think which is worse. If this is all your house has to offer I can't imagine how you managed to take out our warriors..."
"Killed them sleeping..." said the other.
"...Is that what it was?"
The big one nodded, more out of reflex than affirmation. "Found them tucked in real nice, insides on the outside, right on top of their blankets, laid out like a present... When our lord says, we tip toe through your door and pluck out your master's internals while he's sleeping, how's that for reprisal?"

I pulled my sword in a heartbeat. I couldn't help it. The action was so motor driven that I hadn't realized what I had done until I was staring down the blade at the two of them.
"Choose your words carefully, I've cut off tongues for sweeter words than that." I growled.
Toshiya stepped back inside the doorframe.
The big ugly one narrowed his eyes. "You are in no position to threaten us."
"That's not the way I see it." I said. "If seven of your best were slain, not even aware enough to wake when the room was compromised I can only imagine what imbeciles are left to fend for your house."

A metallic noise stung the silence as my sword clashed against his. Though he had struck first, I was absolutely seething with anger, and the sudden threat spouted against Kyo was fueling my rage, though the dim thoughts in the back of my head were telling me to disregard it entirely, attempting to grasp me and shake my body, screaming 'You idiot. Do you even know what that forest is? How could they even get near him?' but it seemed their grip was fleeting,my rage enough to override their meddlesome cries.
Everything seemed a blur but for the face at the edge of my blade, a smirking, ugly stain on a yellow tinged palet. I couldn't help but think that I should have had some self control. With the accusation of murder still fresh on the air the last thing I should have done was pull my sword in such a crowded place. Already people had fled inside the shops. I knew because I heard the scattering of zori on the cobbled streets and no doubt the old gossip mongers were already whispering about Miyamoto's chief retainer spitting venom at Ryozen in broad daylight.
Toshiya watched quietly, unsure of what to do, but the look on his face suggested that he was going to be civil and stand down.
As for the brute, my sword was pressing so close to his face that his foul breath ghosted on the steel. The serated notches on the bottom of his sword hitched against my metal, effectively deadlocking the both of us.
Coming up suddenly, his heel pushed at my torso, giving him enough leverage to unlatch us both and send me stumbling backwards into the wooden wall behind me. We drove towards one another continuously, and each time the clash of swords parroted like wind chimes and the deep hammer of our feet as they came down on the ground seemingly just a thrumming beat to a well choreographed dance.
The next time he struck his blade split the wooden beams behind me and held fast in the splinters. I saw all of this from where I had dropped to the ground to avoid the blow. My arm was extended, propelling my sword upwards, the edge biting into his badly shaven neck. If I had so much as moved a muscle in the wrong direction his throat would have been gashed open.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Walk away and I'll forgive you your rudeness this once."I said. " Quickly, before I change my mind."
His hands were still wrapped around the hilt of his katana, but he weighed the situation in silence. His eyes were disdainful, glaring at me from behind greasy strands of hair. But he was clearly smart enough to see that he had lost, having reluctantly released his sword and stepped back. I stood, still keeping my katana steady.
Toshiya watched me nervously. "Kaoru..."
"Go home." I said softly, deeply. "I will follow you."
"You will follow him to hell."
I forced myself to the side just in time to avoid a strong blow to my head.
So his partner chose now to be the added enforcer, and here I thought he was just playing the coward. With my free hand I pulled Toshiya's ninja-to from his obi and kicked him backwards as gently as I could to move him out of the way since he didn't seem inclined to do it himself.
My gaze moved between the two offenders, The brute seemed to gain a vile smirk that broadened his face even more so making his head look like a swollen pumpkin. His confidence was premature.
A warm breeze filled the silence. I was crouched low, watching and waiting, katana twirling in my hand, ninja-to held in its proper stance, hilt outward, blade parallel to my arm.
"You want to fight? Fine. Then come." I said. "Make a fool of your master, I will not make a fool of mine."
Before anything else could happen the hammering in the shop ceased and Yamada-san stuck his head out the door and glared at the two Ryozen members. His voice boomed like thunder when he was angry and it made the lot of us cringe as though we were hostile children being scolded by our father. Everyone greatly respected him, so it wasn't a surprise how many house members of all manner of provincial clans obeyed him. Anyway it was more beneficial if they did considering he was one of the only remaining sword smiths in the city.
"If you two don't stop talking trash I'm going to come out here myself and remove your heads." he brought his hammer smack against his hand for effect. We all stood and bowed low, apologizing to him.
"Now go home. All of you. I have work to do and you're keeping me from it!"
With great care the three of us lowered our swords and after one final, angry glare at one another we all turned and walked away. But before I had taken no more than 5 steps I heard the big one mutter under his breath. "If their master's as pretty as they say we should maybe have our fun with him before and tear his insides out later, maybe that would make us even for this insult" said one.
"Saa. If he's half as pretty as that kunoichi bitch I'd gladly shove my pole in his throat while the lot of you pick him apart. Fucking Miyamoto pricks."
I calmly went another foot or so before I laid a hand on Toshiya's shoulder. When he turned I did my best to smile to him. "I just remembered Shinya asked that I pick up some documents from the notary, please, go straight home while I fetch them. I'll be along shortly."
I watched casually as he ran off towards the temple, disappearing into the once again busy crowd. After he had gone I turned gracefully and followed after the two wretched corpses.

o o o

The paint that stained the Aomori shrine, even for its age, showed no signs of wear; It's antique red wash as bright as the streaks of fresh blood on my skin. I stood at the steps, crippled in the sight of it, somehow. There was a silent understanding in the air between the red ash beams and I would go no further. I had never set foot inside, not knowing what lay in the dark save for the sound that had paralyzed my imagination in my youth, and both myself and the shrine knew that I would not go so far again.

I focused my gaze onto the rough wood before me and the 'gift' I'd lain there, the breathless body of the derisive, thin man. I had carried it to this spot, a display of desperation...mental instability perhaps. I had left the other where it had fallen, I couldn't lift it.

I don't know why I had done it, laid him there I mean. Maybe it was the hope that this place would absolve me of my anger...I wanted to feel bad that I had cut this man down. My fears that his death would be blamed on my master and not myself swam recklessly in my head, but no matter my determination to instill a sadness within myself, I was just glad he was silent. No, I was elated, his acid tongue removed and his body exanimate.

His last words shouldn't have affected me the way that they had. Instead they should have passed through me as easily as the small-minded insults that were cast before them, but my reasoning had for some reason construed them and named them hazardous as though the words themselves had drawn blood and breath from me in spite and here I had lain the results of my mind's misunderstanding.

I wondered if Kyo would forgive me. He was hell bent on retaining some fragment of decorum in this dispute between us and our new adversaries. I couldn't think how much I had messed that up.

I couldn't...rationalize my idolization for the boy that seventeen years ago I had adored on sight, or why, even now, at twenty four, that I was willing to do anything in his name, even if that meant spilling blood for what had almost become just protocol for a sacrifice.

I had carried the carcass through the marketplace, taking the back alleys and narrow streets to Kiyomizudera, and then to Aomori-jinja, the place I loved even more than Miya-tei. It was because of Aomori and it's mysteries that I had found Kyo that day, like falling into a life long dream. I half expected that was all that it was, that the fall from the steps when I was six had lain me out, my blood wetting the stone formations and falling leaves. I was already dead.

This newer, fresher blood wasn't mine, it was a gift to the place of my rebirth. The deities for whom it was built could look down and see plainly to what lengths I was willing to go for Aomori's child. If they would make him love me the way that I loved him I would spill or save any drop of human blood, destroy or protect any shred of life that they asked. I wanted him...without the monumental restraints set upon us.

I felt my body travel downward, my katana shifting the dirt that crowded its edge as it served to support my weight. I closed my eyes, giving myself to the breeze and the distinct feel of the sakura forest above my head that felt, in a word, perfect, except for the coppery smell in the air and the very tangible realization that everything was turning sour.

"What's this, a present?" said a voice that was calm but for a slight tonal upturn.

My eyes attempted to refocus themselves once I'd opened them. Tried and failed. Was I suddenly so tired? At first all that I saw were the flat colors of the shrine, blurred and dull while the sunlight changed intensities above the trees. On what I perceived as the steps, above the grayish gloom of the man's body, was an infusion of hellish red tones. The pitch of them made me close my eyes again to keep my head from swimming and my eyes from stinging.

"You're something like a cat, aren't you?" The voice said again.
"A c...cat..." I blinked one eye open, feeling a particle of dust scratch at my cornea. I saw the red shadow move in the sunlight, gesturing toward the lump of grey below him.
"Cornering mice to bring home to master...to lay their bodies at his feet or in this case, a shrine somewhat embodying the idea of being at his feet I think, hence the little...dead...present."
I groaned at the sudden sharp irritation in my eyes and rubbed the closed sockets with my fingers.
"You don't like cats?" the shadow asked curiously.
"I..."
Upon fluttering one eye open I noticed the shadow had begun to come closer. Whereas it had once been sitting above the body, it was now standing only a few feet away from me, dark curls of smoke rose from the grass beneath his feet whenever he moved. The hues danced in the foggy light as though the image were made of formless watercolor.

The closer I sensed this shadow the more my eyes would water, and the temperature rose dramatically from a cool spring day to what felt like a grueling summer heat. The air felt dry and smokey, hazy, and what smelled like sulfur invaded my senses.

"Maybe you don't like mice. I can see you deal with vermin in the age old tradition." he said.
"...."
"Something wrong with your eyes?"
I coughed, feeling the scorching sensation rise, and now I actually could taste smoke in my mouth.
Then suddenly it was gone and a rush of cool and clean air hit me like a wave breaking on a seaside cliff.
"Is that better?"
The voice was so close now that I was startled out of all distraction and my eyes snapped open, my vision now completely clear and not a shred of irritation remained. I didn't have time to wonder what had happened.

But now that I could see clearly this rough hewn shadow seemed to visibly smolder. I watched light traces of smoke simmer and die along the tanned skin. The creature had a human face, but the eyes were deep set and shrouded in a ring of thick, dusty sable, one eye red, the other gold. It's hair was like a long beaded curtain threaded from strands of molten fire, resembling thousands of thin streams of rushing magma. A fire demon? My body shuddered as the last of the sulfur smell was washed away in a fit of coughing and fresh air.

"Who are you?
He smiled like a devil. "By nature? A casual observer. How lucky for you."
I couldn't understand what he meant. I didn't feel lucky for his presence, much the opposite. He exuded a rank foreboding that I couldn't begin to shake or describe.
"I watched you and realized what you were. It didn't take me long."
"What am I?" I asked.
"A cat, I said." He stated and shook his head as though I were dumb.
He sighed when I didn't respond, bending toward the ground so that his feet were flat against the soil and his hands were firm on top of his knees. "You're lucky I came down here before you walked into that shrine. There's nothing in there for you."
I shook my head, though it added nothing to my oncoming words, no effect at all. "I wasn't going to do that."
"Just dropping presents at its door? I don't think you're supposed to be doing that either."
"I came here by accident." I said. "I just came here..."
"I don't think you did." His eyes held on to the image of the body on the stair, head craned to look so that all I could see was a long veil of red braids. It didn't seem to bother him, or even that it seemed unusual to him that a body was split open and bleeding on the ash boards. He looked at it as though it were just another ornament adorning the building.
"Were you just going to leave him there?"
"I...I didn't think about it." I replied.
"No..." he said, "I don't think you did. Tell me, kitten, does the hanyou know you barter his affections with bodies?"

My head shot up to look at him. His eyes were still turned toward the stairs, all I could see was his exquisitely formed profile. A million questions ran through my mind though none of them found strength to fly from me.
"Your desperation is cute though. Obsessive a bit, but cute."
Suddenly I rose up off the ground, angered.
He laughed. "You're much too hasty, I think. Humans, as a rule, are too hasty. It's why you're so quick to kill. Sit down and let me talk to you again, I'd much rather do that."
"I was defending my house then." I said of the man I'd slain, my voice raising just a bit. I didn't like the thought that he was accusing me of killing just to win over Kyo, if that's what he was doing, he confused me.
"Against what, an idea of death? You're much too quick. Sit down!"
I did so cautiously.
"Well, it's done now," I said firmly, "and it's one less threat on Kyo."
"It's one less of something, but not a threat. There are much too many of those things and no great trouble to find men to carry them out. You're no fantastical problem solver." he said with amusement. "Go home and go to bed,you're of better use to your master there by the smell of you."
I didn't move, I was amazed at his boldness. "What do you know of my master, fox?"
His eyes flashed brilliantly, excited that I'd found him out. "Now, however did you arrive at that conclusion? That I'm a fox spirit..."
"You're much too bold."
"Bold is it? All demons are bold, little cat." he said, smiling broadly. "My being a little brash shouldn't brand me. Now, how would it look if I wasn't what you say and something else? Some demons wouldn't take kindly to you calling them a fox, it's offensive and rude."
"I know what you are...it's your face." I said.
He looked interested.
"I was trying to decide what you were. A fire apparition...but something else...you're much too attractive to be a tengu and your face is very feral..."
"Don't pretend you've seen very many demons, most don't make it a habit to parade in front of wayward kittens like yourself. But you're right, I'm much too beautiful to be a tengu."
"So you are a crossbreed?"
"Yes, yes, if that answer will please you."
"It will." I stated flatly. "Now, tell me who you are and what you know of my master."
He smiled at me in a way that was so lazy I would have expected him to have only been lounging on the grass on a nice summer day. "My name? It's Közi. As for your master...I couldn't begin to think of where to start."

TBC

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May All Be Pain or Love