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Don't deny your feelings	By : Shinya Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1743 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
DISCLAIMER: Don’t own them… O___O

DON’T DENY YOUR FEELINGS

Chapter 5:

Kyo had never been this shocked. ”Oh no… No…” he whined in shock. ”Kaoru? Oh god no…” He was shaking very badly now, he didn’t have a clue what to do! Why was Kaoru laying next to him? Had they really slept together? He had to know! He couldn’t believe this was true. Maybe nothing had really happened, he just had some weird hurting in his ass? Kaoru could not have fucked him!! He didn’t want to hear it…

Leader-sama opened his eyes and looked at the singer surprisedly, whispering softly: ”Kyo? What’s wrong? Why are you so sad?”
Kyo stared at his boss and mumbled shyly: ”Kaoru, what have we done last night? I can’t remember anything… Only that we were all drunk…”
”Really? You can’t remember?” Kaoru asked quietly and started to explain: ”Oh… Well… We… fucked last night. I fucked you the whole night. We really were very, very drunk and –”
”NO!” Kyo whined, terrified. ”Why?! This can’t be real! This is a nightmare… This is horrible!”

Kaoru eyed him a while, asking then kindly: ”Horrible? No, I don’t find this horrible at all. I liked last night very much. We had fun, believe me. You liked it too. Everything is fine, Kyo-kun. Come here.” Kyo raised an eyebrow and leader-sama hugged him tightly, pulling him close. This couldn’t be true… He had slept with his boss! This was so embarrassing. And… What about Toshiya? He loved the younger man so much. He felt like he’d betrayed the bassist. Even though they weren’t together or anything, he still felt like a terrible person… He was disgusting! Sleeping with someone else, when he really loved Toshiya!
”Kyo, I am so happy now”, Kaoru whispered to his ear. ”You are so lovely.”
”I shouldn’t have come to the bar last night!” Kyo mumbled. ”I should have stayed to the hotel… This shouldn’t have happened. This is so wrong!!”

”Wrong?” the older man asked. ”What are you talking about? You are telling me that this shouldn’t have happened? Listen to me, Kyo. Everything is alright, don’t be afraid. It wasn’t just a one night’s thing. I love you. I want you all to myself… And now we can be together. I don’t want only sex from you. I really, really love you and I don’t even need sex if only you would be with me. Please be my koi.”

”Kaoru-kun?!” Kyo sighed shocked, but Kaoru just pressed his lips against the vocalist’s. The shorter man was shaking when the other licked his lips and was tasting him passionately. Kyo couldn’t respond, he was so scared of what would happen again. So he broke the kiss and whispered: ”Kaoru, stop… I can’t! Stop it…”
”What are you saying?” You can’t? Why? What do you mean?” Kaoru muttered with widened eyes.
”I don’t love you!” Kyo shouted hysterically, making the older man shake. ”I can’t be with you! You are not the one I am in love with! And I can’t remember anything about last night like I already said. I can’t be yours! You must find someone else to be your lover.”

And suddenly Kaoru was shaking and began to sob. ”You don’t.. love me? Do you find me disgusting? Am I ugly or something? Am I… too old? Tell me why can’t you be with me.” Kyo looked at the crying leader-sama and almost couldn’t believe his eyes. Even though he didn’t love his boss, he didn’t want him to be unhappy, and he hadn’t seen Kaoru crying ever before. He couldn’t be with Kaoru, but he wanted to make him feel better again. So he hugged the older man, muttering softly: ”Kaoru, you aren’t ugly. Not at all. I think you are very handsome and attractive, but I am just… in love with someone else… I don’t know how that someone feels about me, but I still feel like I have betrayed him by being with you last night. I am sorry, Kaoru. If only there weren’t any other who I like, perhaps I could love you. I don’t find you any disgusting or too old…”

”It is okay, Kyo-kun. I am sorry if I made you be afraid of me… I would never, ever have fucked you if I wouldn’t have been drunk. I didn’t want to use you or anything like that…” Kaoru said sadly, head down. ”I hope you can still trust me and be my friend as always. I shouldn’t have told you what I feel towards you.”
”No, it is good to know that someone likes me”, Kyo said smiling shyly. ”But I really can’t love you. I can’t love anyone else than Toshiya…”
”WHAT?!” Kaoru coughed, glaring at him with huge eyes. ”What did you say? Did you say –”
”Oh no, you got me!” Kyo whined and blushed. ”Please forget what I said. Please don’t tell anyone! I just… I am so in love with Toshiya and I can’t stop loving him. He is so…”
”… Sexy”, Kaoru finished his sentence, head still down. ”Almost as sexy as you. You are so kawaii…”
”KAORU! You know very well that I don’t like people calling me kawaii!”
”Yes… But you just are so cute and… Sorry, I am embarrassing you. I didn’t mean to…”
”No, it is okay, KaoKao”, Kyo sighed. ”Promise you don’t tell anyone. Okay? Promise?”
” I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

***

Kyo cried that evening when he came home. He was so sad and felt himself the worst person in the whole world. He was a loser. He really was. He had slept with his boss. It was so embarrassing, and Kaoru had said they had fucked the whole night. The whole night! Even though Kaoru had said that they would still be friends, it wasn’t that simple. He could not forget what had happened between them. And he really felt quilty…

He had betrayed Toshiya. They weren’t even together, but still… It felt so bad because he had never done it before. Kaoru had been his first seme. Of course Kyo had slept with women and men too, but he had always been seme himself. But now he had been uke and Kaoru had fucked him, and he couldn’t even remember. It was so horrible! He didn’t love leader-sama, he loved Toshiya!!

And now… He sniffed sadly. Why did he care? Toshiya didn’t love him anyway… How could he even think that he had ’betrayed’ Toshiya? It wasn’t betraying, because Toshiya didn’t feel anything towards him. He was ugly and short and stupid! No one could never love him, never! He was so fucking stupid and disgusting. He really was too short too, even many women were taller than him, and he was an adult man, god dammit! And… he didn’t have a big.. cock either… He was short in every way!

And Toshiya… Toshiya was tall, sexy and cute. The bassist had a perfect body that everyone wanted to touch and he was so goodlooking. They were two so different person. Everyone wanted Toshiya and he could have anyone he wanted. So why would Toshiya ever want to be with Kyo? But even though Toshiya didn’t love him, he couldn’t stop loving the cute bassist.
”I can’t have you”, Kyo mumbled, shaking. ”But I can’t stop thinking about you. You are stuck in my mind, Toshiya…”
Kyo started to sob quietly. He could never have Toshiya. Toshiya could not want him…

Suddenly Kyo felt a familiar feeling. He wanted it so much, yet it had been so long since he had done it. He needed to cut.. his arm again. He missed it. He wanted to rip and slash… He wanted blood, blood again. So he went to the kitchen and took scissors, sat to the sofa and began to cut his arm. ”Toshiya…” he said quietly, before whining in pain. It hurted so much! It had been too long ago since he had cut his arms last time! Blood… it was all over his arm again. Perhaps he should kill himself, it would be the best thing to do. But then he couldn’t see Toshiya never, ever again. And he wanted to see that man more than anything else in the whole world! He just wanted to see that perfect man one more time…

And then he would kill himself. He didn’t want to be alone, he wanted Toshiya to love him but it wasn’t possible. He would never have him and he didn’t want to live without the bassist. So he needed to… die. It hurted so much to know the bassist didn’t want him. He let the scissors fall to the floor and then he started to cry loudly. He just… wanted to see Toshiya one more time. Only one more time and then he would never see him again. He would end his life..

***

Kyo let Toshiya come in one hour later. He had called to the bassist and had told him that he was just lonely and wanted to see his good friend. Toshiya sat to the sofa and they were both quiet. ”Totchi, what would you… Would you like to… play videogames with me?” Kyo asked quietly. He couldn’t tell that the loved Toshiya, he just couldn’t. Maybe it would be easier to kill himself if he would hear from the bassist’s lips that he was ugly and disgusting, but he just couldn’t say what he felt. Propably Toshiya would say that he hated Kyo if he knew the truth.. He was so worthless thing! ”Yes”, Toshiya answered smiling sweetly.

After a few hours Toshiya was ready to leave. Kyo was standing in a hall, watching the taller man, who was putting on his black jacket.
”Oh, by the way…” Toshiya suddenly said. ”Kaoru called me and told that we have a practice tomorrow. At six o’clock. Remember that.”
”Yeah…” Kyo whispered, holding back his tears. He would never see the bassist again. This was the last time he would see him, or anyone else. He eyed the other sadly. ”Well, bye bye then!” Toshiya giggled and grabbed the doorknob.

”Bye.” Kyo sniffed and turned around, beginning to walk to the kitchen, not bothering to lock the door after Toshiya. He grabbed to the wall and started to sob quietly. He would never, ever see Toshiya again! And now Toshiya was gone and he had not told about his feelings towards the bassist. He wanted to die NOW. He wanted to kill himself right now. And that he would also do! Crying loydly he went to the sofa and found his scissors from the floor, under the sofa where he had hid them before Toshiya arrived.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his own. Shaking he turned around and saw Toshiya standingthere. The younger man looked worried and glared straight to his eyes.
”Kyo, what is behind your back?” Toshiya asked quietly, staring at him.
”Nothing!” Kyo answered, trying to get free. But Toshiya’s grip on his hand tightened and the bassist asked louder: ”I asked, what is behind you back?!” The blond was shaking very badly now and sniffed: ”Nothing. I told you already!!” But Toshiya was angry now. ”LIAR! Give me your both hands RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

And Kyo sobbed, gave his other hand too and the scissors fell on the floor. Right away Toshiya was on the floor and stood up, holding the bloody scissors in his hand. ”Kyo! What the fuck is this?! You were going to kill yourself, weren’t you?! ANSWER ME!”
Kyo fell to the sofa and cried hands on his face. He couldn’t say anything. Toshiya sat next to him and grabbed his hand again, pulling it off his face. Kyo couldn’t even cry loudly anymore, he couldn’t get the voice coming. So he only sobbed quietly.

Then Kyo felt Toshiya hugging him tightly. ”Kyo, what were you thinking?! Why would you want to kill yourself?! Is something wrong? Tell me, I promise I won’t laugh.”
”I… I slept with Kaoru last night”, Kyo whispered quietly. ”He… fucked me the whole night…”
He watched the bassist’s reaction and suddenly the other looked angry. ”WHY?!” Toshiya asked loudly. ”WHY DID YOU LET HIM –”

”I was drunk!” Kyo answered. ”You all let me drunk too much! I didn’t know what I was doing! I don’t even remember anything! I woke up next to Kaoru and he told me everything. He said that he loves me… I can’t stand this any longer! I… I just want to die! I have had a stress for a long time already, and now this... I can’t take this anymore!”
”KYO!” Toshiya shouted. ”Why haven’t you told me about your stress? Why haven’t you told anyone?! And why are you stressing? I don’t understand! I thought that you trust me and… HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF KILLING YOURSELF?! SUICIDE IS NOT AN ANSWER TO ANYTHING!! YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT!!”

Kyo was confused. Why was Toshiya so angry? He had meant to kill himself, yes, but why was the younger man shouting? Had he done something mean to him? But soon Toshiya glared at him straight to his eyes, demanding: ”How could you even think of leaving me all alone? I can’t live if you aren’t here with me! You are so important to me… I will do ANYTHING for you. ANYTHING that you just won’t kill yourself!”

And at that moment Toshiya crushed his lips to Kyo’s, who only whined amazed and let the bassist’s tongue invite his mouth. Toshiya hold him close and sucked at his tongue and licked his lips. The bassist was kissing him so roughly that it was even hard to breath! And as the kiss deepened, the feeling was so amazing. Feeling those perfect lips against his own… Kyo felt tears of joy in his eyes and passionately he joined to the kiss, pulling Toshiya even closer. This couldn’t be true… Toshiya was kissing him!

TBC…

A/N: WOOOOOWWW!! AAAAAAW!! They got their first kiss! Next chapter is going to be short, I think. REVIEW, PLEASE! YEAH! XD
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Don't deny your feelings