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Heartbroken	By : purplecandlelight Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Rasmus Views: 1190 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Rasmus. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
**Disclaimer: Don't know. Don't own. Never Happened**
The strong scent of slow burning cigarettes filled my senses as I burrowed my cool face farther into the soft material. Behind my sealed eyes I could feel the soft warmth of the early spring sun streaming through my window, a warm beam of light grazing the flush skin of my foot which had snuck out from under my fuzzy blanket sometime during the night. Chest rising slowly as my lungs filled with another deep smoke scented breath and my stiff legs began searching the other side of the empty beg for signs of life. My eyes fluttered open to see the lavender color of the pillow case my face was pressed against: he was nowhere to be found, just that familiar scent of Marlboros and cologne surrounded me, reminding me that he must have been here not too long ago. Sitting up, pushing the covers back slightly I took note of the clothes from yesterday which still hung unceremoniously from my frame and a quick survey of the room showed no physical sign of him. A sharp crack of my shoulders and neck and I threw my feet over the edge of the bed, bare toes landing softly on the cool smooth wood floor. With a deep sigh I pushed my hair out of my face and silently thanked any deity listening for the fact that I had apparently slept through most of what should have been a brilliant hangover. My quiet thanks were interrupted by the invasive sound of the unfamiliar black mobile resting on my bedside table. A hasty look at the display before flipping the cool aluminum object open and bringing it to my ear.
“Hey.” My voice slightly rough.
“Anna? Hi.” Pauli’s voice on the other end was upbeat as always.
“What’s up Pauli?” Shuffling slowly towards the bedroom door as I waited for his seemingly labored response.
“Nothing. . .did I wake you?” a timid laugh escaped me as I took note of the slightly uncomfortable undertone in his gentle voice.
“No I’ve been up for like five minutes. No worries dear.” Entering the hall I took a quick peak in the bathroom, empty.
“Ah, well, I was just trying to reach Lauri, you know, just wondering when he intends on showing up for rehearsal.” The soft laugh in his voice was one more of annoyance than anything else. Making my way through the living room I looked quizzically at his bags, still sitting by the front door.
“hhmmm, well,” my mind rolling the scene over and over. If he left his bags he must be coming back at some point, I tried to calm my racing mind and heart, “his phone and clothes are here, but the man himself appears to be missing, along with his acoustic case.”
“Oh. . .”
“Sorry I’m no help Pauli.”
“Eh, it’s alright, he’s probably on his way if his guitar is gone.” The seriousness in that warm voice brought a smile to my lips as I drew myself a glass of water. Just as I brought the glass to my lips the nervous silence was broken, “So, um, did you guys finally hook up?” The drink of water caught in my throat causing me to choke.
“Excuse me?” I croaked out, voice cracking as Pauli chuckled audibly.
“That psychotic ex of his called everyone yesterday trying to find out how long the two of you had been seeing each other.”
“I see.” My voice much flatter and more despondent than I had intended.
“Yeah, she claimed that the two of you were all over each other in his apartment yesterday.”
“He,” clearing my throat, an attempt to buy some time, hoping that the world would suddenly end so I wouldn’t have to say it, “he wanted to piss her off. . .so. . .he. . .uh. . .we kissed that’s all.”
“Oh, so you guys aren’t. . .” Pauli’s words trailed off and I felt my heart hit the bottom of the stomach.
“No.” my voice trying to play off his question as preposterous, but failing miserably.
“That’s a shame,” my brown furrowed at those seemingly out of place words, “We were all hoping it had finally happened.”
“What on earth are you talking about Pauli?” his hearty laugh ringing through the phone as I gently sat the half drained glass of water on the counter.
“Come on Anna, everyone’s always assumed it would only be a matter of time before both of you realized how perfect you were for each other.”
“Pauli” a muffled voice came from the other end of the line.
“And the man has arrived,” Pauli proclaimed mockingly, “gotta go Anna, talk to you later.” And with that our conversation was disconnected and my mind began running faster than I thought it ever could.
My afternoon was filled with menial tasks, all an attempt to shake my thoughts. A long almost scolding shower: a thorough cleaning of my bedroom and kitchen: flipping through a few choice magazines paying particular attention to meaningless articles on how to find the perfect pair of jeans or the perfect hair cut based in the shape of one’s face: finally I found myself in an almost vegetative state in front of my television. As the living room slowly sank into darkness I realized that my day’s worth of busy work hadn’t done a bit of good and he was still the only thing on my mind. Turning the tv off, I tossed the channel changer onto the coffee table and shuffled towards the kitchen, stopping only to grab my iPod off the table by the front door. Flipping the light on in the kitchen I popped the little white device into the speaker unit set up on my counter and let the room fill with the sound of old Metallica. A quick rummage through the ice box and I had retrieved everything I needed for dinner and the cooking began. The lyrics to “Sanitarium” strolled through my ears as I pondered whether or not he told the guys about everything that had happened and didn’t happen. Did he know how Pauli and the others felt? Had he ever felt that way about us? Mindlessly I went through the process of cooking dinner and as the songs in the background changed I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into my own thoughts. Would he come back? Would he have left if he didn’t have rehearsal? Why did he come back last night? My sock covered feet scuffed across the floor as I moved between the counter island and the stove. Pouring more of the brownish seasoning into the cooking meat I sighed as I noticed the small red splatter of tomato on my green t-shirt. Making a mental note to treat the stain before washing the shirt I returned my attention to the task at hand and resumed stirring the rapidly heating meat.
“I haven’t heard this song in years.” the wooden spoon clattered to the floor as I jumped, turning to find him in the doorway.
“Christ you sacred me.” my heart pounding against my breastbone as I watched him bury his hands in the pocket of his Ant-Hero hoodie and an innocent smile gently lift his lips.
“Sorry,” his black trouser covered legs moved him through the room towards me, “I was just coming in to see if you wanted to go out to dinner,” standing next to me he raised an eyebrow as he looked over the counter, “but I can see we’re having tacos.” Tilting my head back slightly I met his eyes and gave him a quick nod before grabbing another wooden spoon and stirring the meat once more
“I really wish you wouldn’t wear those damn shoes.” I mumbled more to myself than anyone else.
“If you’ll let me finish seasoning the meat,” rough strong hands landed on either side of my waist, “then I’ll take the damn shoes off.” leaving the spoon in the pan I let him move me slowly away from the stove. Leaning against the counter I watched as he dug through my spice rack and toed his shoes off, kicking them across the room. “Why don’t you like the shoes anyways?” his eyes never leaving the pan.
“Cause I don’t like having to look up to you when I know we’re the same height,” retrieving two plates from the cupboard, “it’ll give me a complex.” A soft chuckle rang from his thick chest as he nodded approvingly at the meat and switched the burner off and with that a dinner of tacos and beer began: a virtually silent dinner. The sounds of taco shells cracking and large gulps of cheep beer being forced down the throat filled the room as we sat at the comfortable kitchen table. Tossing my napkin onto my plate I took the last swig of my beer and leaned back in my chair to find him staring intently at me.
“Can I ask you a question?” his face expressionless as his fingers played with the edge of his napkin.
“Of course.” my cheeks warming slightly from the beer.
“A few years ago,” his eyes focused on that napkin as if it held all the answers, “what was all that about with Timo?” Without even thinking about it, my brow furrowed.
“Wow, well, that question sort of came out of nowhere.”
“We never talked about it. I went out on tour and when I came back there was this guy I’d never met and you’d never even mentioned” his soft green eyes moved up, landing in mine, as if pleading for an answer.
“Ok,” uncomfortable under his gaze I studied the empty beer bottle in my hand, “what is it that you want to know?”
“Did you love him?” Drawing a labored breath I couldn’t help but let out an unintentional laugh.
“No. . .”
“Then why were the two of you engaged.” Bringing my hand to my temples I rubbed lightly, trying to think of a way around this conversation and finding none.
“If I tell you, you’ll laugh. . .”
“You know I won’t.” His words flat as he shifted forward in his chair
“Fine,” turning my head to look out the dark window, wanting to look anywhere but at him, in those eyes that would expect so much more from me than the reason I was about to give, “I just felt like I had nothing going for me. Everyone I knew had already made something of themselves, good jobs, families, and my closest friends were doing what they loved and making more than a decent living at it.” Shifting my eyes back to the empty brown bottle I paused less for dramatic effect and more for finding the right words. “What had I done? Not a damn thing.” my voice coated in a sarcastic laugh. “I finally had my business degree, but that didn’t really seem to mean anything, so when I met Timo and we seemed like such a decent match. . .I guess. . .I just thought that getting married and starting a family would validate my life.” The briefest of glances into those beautiful eyes and I found something I’d never seen before – pity. “Don’t do that,” a nervous laugh mixing with my words, “it was a mistake and we all realized it before things got out of hand and if you’ll remember that’s when I decided to open the shop, so good things did come of the whole experience.” Gazing almost defiantly into his eyes as I awaited a response, but the longer our eyes stayed locked, the more I noticed the feeling in the room shift.
“When you told me you were engaged to Timo,” his words stopped short, but those haunting eyes stayed on mine making my pulse speed up, “that’s when I gave up hope for us.” My mouth went dry and my throat felt as though it was closing.
“Pardon me?”
“I waited for so many years for you to say something or do something, but you never did.” My mind raced with all the implications of what he had just said, his admission that he did have feelings for me at one time. My brow furrowed at the realization that this whole discussion had been placed in the past tense; my thoughts were so loud and so numerous that I almost didn’t hear him as he continued. “It took me a long time to accept that we just weren’t ever going to happen Anna.”
“What the hell?” my tone slightly accusatory, “You waited for me to say something? Why didn’t you say something or give me any sort of a clue about how you felt?”
“Why didn’t you?” he fired back.
“I did, as soon as I realized.” Grabbing my plate I walked to the sink, depositing the dish. “I get it Lauri, you felt something once, I missed my chance. I get it.” my words addressing him, but for all intensive purposed I appeared to be talking to the sink as my hands braced themselves on the edge of the metal basin. “It’s fine I get it. Can we just drop it now and pretend that this damn issue never came up.” the frustration in my voice was obvious even to myself; closing my eyes I let my head fall slightly as I tried to figure a way out of what promised to be an uncomfortable rest of the conversation. “Just drop it.” I whispered one last time before two sturdy arms came around me from behind, one hand landing flat on my stomach the other on my far shoulder; he pulled me in tight against his warm, firm body, his head leaning against mine.
“I don’t think we should pretend this never came up, I don’t want to drop it. . .” Squeezing me a little tighter against him as his head shifted, letting his breath brush against that spot just under my ear, “and I never said you missed your chance.”
- 4
- 5
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Heartbroken