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A fatal mistake	By : fundamellie Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Pet Shop Boys Views: 944 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the celebrity I am writing about. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The night was cold and windy and Neil was still walking through the darkness.
He had been on his feet most of this day and it felt like an eternity. The hours had dragged on, from the moment he had woken up at 5 o’clock in the morning, covered in cold sweat and shaking. His dreams since that fateful argument with Stefan had been haunted, his control had become non-existent and the blur he was living in was getting more and more scary every minute. He had hardly gone out since he had thrown Stefan out, hoping that the boy would show up again, would phone, that he would get a chance to explain everything. Of course Stefan had not shown up, so Neil had spent almost an entire week close to the phone, trapping himself in his own flat. Torn between hope and desperation.
Right now he was walking back from the city centre; starting at Leicester Square, following Charring Cross and Tottenham Court Road which led him up Euston Road, past King’s Cross Station, the London Canal Museum and finally into the side-streets and alleys of Islington where he hoped to find a friend of his at home. It was a miracle that he had not gotten lost on his way considering the state he was in but sometimes it paid to know the city like the back of your hand.
That day he had refused to take a line, to have a drink and by time he usually got up he was restless and desperately craving one or the other so he had left his flat and had been walking aimlessly. All day. He had not eaten anything because he felt sick and had only had several plastic cups of bad black tea with too much milk and sugar on the way which he had bought at various fast food chains. By now he was cold and wet, it had been raining on and off the whole day; some time after darkness had fallen around 5 o’clock there had even been a thunderstorm. Neil did not remember if he had carried an umbrella but if he had he had lost it somewhere. His overcoat clung to him, wet through and through and did nothing to keep him warm. He was exhausted now and beyond caring about the fact that it might be considered rude to be ringing your friend’s doorbell at around 2.45 am without prior warning. He was desperate for some warmth, for someone to talk to, for some company.
His friend’s semi-detached house lay at the end of a quiet dead-end street where the traffic was slowed down by a quick succession of speed bumps. There was no sound but his heels clicking on the wet pavement. All the lights were out, nobody seemed to be outdoors here apart from him, not even a single cat crossed his way.
He slowed his pace and walked up the few steps leading to his friend’s place as quietly as possible. He stood there for a moment, hesitating and trying to gather up his thoughts, his courage.
‘Poor Danny-boy,’ he thought and then drifted back in time, thinking about all the years he had known his friend. Daniel Parker had been 16 when they had fist met. He had been the younger brother of one of his flat-mates, had later shared the flat with him and Jeffery and had always been there, despite of everything: their friend’s illness and his death, the ups and downs on the rocky road to fame, all the heartaches of lost loves and whatever else had gone wrong in his life. Daniel had always been there. Fiercely loyal, but with the ability to walk over dead bodies if it served his good course. Danny-boy. Well Daniel Parker was hardly a boy anymore, just about to turn 40 in a couple of months. But his looks had this timeless youthfulness that made him the darling of every mother-in-law. Slightly curly dark blond hair, light brown eyes which always look slightly surprised behind his glasses and a boyish grin that regularly made the hearts of one or two of his female pupils beat faster. Neil had to smile; well, the Saturday girls might not be here anymore but the teachers and artist still were.
He rang the bell, once, then a second time. He waited, listing hard of any sign of life from the inside. Nothing happened, everything remained silent. He rang the bell again and after a minute or two a light went on upstairs. He imagined how Daniel was glancing at the alarm clock in disbelieve, muttering curses as he put on his dressing gown and went down the stairs. Now Neil could hear his footsteps and then the lights came on in the hallway. These were just small, unimportant things but to Neil they seemed so comforting he felt like crying. He heard Daniel half shouting even before the door finally swung open.
“This better be important or I swear I’m going to kill you!”
The impression on his friend’s face was far from inviting and suddenly Neil’s heart was beating too fast. He stepped forward, almost stumbling in the process, his voice faint.
“Danny!”
Immediately Daniel’s face expression changed from anger to concern.
“My God, Neil! What the hell happened?”
“I… I just, I thought…” Neil began but found that he could not speak. Everything seemed to be crashing on him, he felt worse than before. Cold, exhausted and hurting and lonely. He felt crushed, totally powerless and as low as he had ever been. Before he knew it he was crying, sobbing miserably. He was trying to speak through the tears but he did not make any sense at all.
“I… It’s all over. He’s gone. It’s all my fault, Danny, all my fault. I… Don’t know what… what to do anymore. I can’t… It’s all shit, it’s all…”
“Jesus!” Daniel muttered under his breath as he manoeuvred his friend into the small hallway and closed the door behind them. He pulled Neil into a tight embrace, letting him cry without asking why. Neil rested his head on his friend’s shoulder, desperate for the comfort. When he had calmed down a bit, Daniel let him go and just looked at him for a long moment. There was something of a Mum scolding her disobedient son in that look that made Neil smile slightly.
“Now, don’t say anything,” Daniel told him. “Give me that damn coat of yours and then upstairs with you. Take a hot shower, some of Martin’s clothes will fit you, I guess. Tea will be ready when you come down and then we’ll talk.”
Neil just nodded, too tired to object. He followed his friend upstairs and then waited in the bathroom until he was handed a bunch of fresh clothes. Training pants and a sweatshirt; socks and underwear. Even slippers. All from Daniel’s lovely boyfriend.
A fluffy towel on top, the heating systems turned on and then he was alone again. Daniel was such a darling. Neil sighed as he peeled himself out of all the wet, sticking garments.
“If he only knew…” he thought. Or maybe not, maybe if Daniel knew he would not be so nice to him anymore. Well, he was going to find out what confessions a friendship could endure; he would tell Daniel the complete story. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. All he could do was pray that he would face a kind judge.

After the shower and freshly dressed Neil felt a little better. Still awful but not quite as desperate. He found Daniel in the living room, sitting in his favourite armchair, legs crossed, holding a mug of tea in both hands. He stared at it thoughtfully as if he could read the secrets of world out of the steam that rose from it. He looked younger than he was, almost like a kid secretly staying up long after his bed-time. His hair was plastered to one side of his head, but stood on up on end on the other. His glasses were balancing a little too close to the edge of his nose and he still looked slightly drowsy.
Neil felt very self-conscious and embarrassed as he sat down on the sofa opposite to his friend.
“I’m sorry,” he began but Daniel simply held up one hand and shook his head.
“Don’t be.” He put his own mug down on the table and poured Neil a fresh one, having noticed how badly his hands were still shaking after the shower.
“What’s going on? What gets you here at 3 o’clock at night?”
Neil sat there, feeling lost and scared for a moment. He did not know where to begin, how to put it all into words. He was freezing, trembling so hard he had to hug himself to get it a little under control. He stared into nowhere, forcing himself to concentrate on what he wanted to say and not on how much he hurt. He drew a deep breath, swallowed hard and looked up, facing his friend directly.
“Oh Danny, I made a mess of things. I have something really bad to tell you!”
Daniel seemed to freeze in mid-movement. He looked alarmed but did not break the eye contact.
“Don’t tell me it’s… You’re not… as well, are you?” He asked in a hollow voice.
“What? No, no, I’m not.” Neil shook his head. “I’m not positive, if you mean that. I’m not ill.”
Daniel looked relieved and for a second they seemed to share the same bleak memories but then Daniel blinked and looked away.
“What is it then?”
“You know that I quit with Stefan,” Neil began slowly. “I had my reasons for it, I really thought it was for the best. The best for him. To spare him the truth. But he, he came back and we fought again. It was dreadful. I did horrible things to him; I said horrible things. That I didn’t love him anymore. But that’s not true, Danny. I do love him and I miss him and… I did tell him the truth and he must be shocked now. I did not see him again. I’m afraid, I’m really scared. Of what he will do now, of how it will all end. I’m scared I don’t make it.” The words were tumbling out of him, there was just so much to say, so much to explain, so much pain.
Daniel sipped his tea and looked at him, a concentrated thrown wrinkling his brow.
Neil drank some of his tea as well and then went on. He told Daniel everything; how everything had gotten out of hand during the last tour, about his parties and
one-night-stands and the occasional lines. About how he suddenly was almost always taking cocaine and E and how he was suddenly out almost every night, almost every morning waking up with someone else. How the high of the drugs had faded and he had begun to need the lines and the drinks just to make it through the day. How he had betrayed his boyfriend, how he had lied to him. About the dreadful fights they had had and all the awful things he had said to Stefan just to cover up the truth. About how desperate he was and how much he was missing the boy. He talked and talked and still Daniel had not spoken once. His eyes fixed on Neil as he listened. Whatever he was thinking was well hidden behind an unreadable expression.
“Danny, I think I stepped over the edge. I’m losing it. Or rather, I’ve lost it some time ago. I think…” Neil closed his eyes and grit his teeth. He had finally reached the point of his first confession. “I think I’ve gotten myself addicted to all that crap. I don’t know how to stop.” He studied Daniel for a while. His friend’s posture was not hostile. Neil did not know what it was but at least Daniel made no attempt to lecture him or to throw him out. Not yet at least.
“Wait before you say anything,” Neil continued with a strange feeling in his stomach. He did not want to tell what he was about to tell, did not want to reveal one of his darkest secrets but he felt he had no choice. If he did not say it now, that fatal night with Lynn would hold him forever under its poisonous spell.
“I told you about the one-night-stands. About the boys I paid for sex. It gets even worse than that, Danny. One night some boy came home to my flat and I… Well, it happened. I don’t remember much because I was so… drunk and high, it was all just a blur. Anyway, when I woke up the next morning, I realised that he was nothing but a kid. A kid, Daniel! He told me he was almost 15. I went to bed with a 14 year old. It makes me sick just to think of it. And I told Stefan during our last fight.”
Neil leaned back on the sofa, resting his head on the frame. He closed his eyes. He did not want to see the look on Daniel’s face; the disgust and the accusation. He felt like crying again, totally spend and exposed and vulnerable. Like his skin had been removed and he felt the cold even more keenly. Apart form that his headache was getting worse by the second. His head was pounding once again, he was still shaking and he felt as if every muscle, every nerve in his body was aching. He had never thought he could suffer that much without passing out.
The sound of his own ragged breathing and the pulsing of the blood in his ears were the only sounds for a long time. When he heard a sigh and footsteps pacing the floor not far from where he still sat. When they stopped again and suddenly Daniel spoke.
“Was that the only time?” His voice was trembling. If from anger or shock Neil was unable to tell. He snapped back to attention at once, sitting up straight. He looked at his friend, trying to comprehend the question.
“The only time?” he echoed lamely.
“Yes. Did you ever… do this before? With a kid?” When he said those words, Daniel’s voice was emotionless, icy. Neil winced at the implication and shook his head slightly.
“No! No, for heaven’s sake, I never did this before. And I don’t want to do this again! I… It’s not an excuse, but I never even thought about this before. I… do not fancy kids. Not under-aged boys and not under-aged girls. I don’t tick like that.
Christ Daniel, I’m not…”
“A paedophile?” Daniel finished the sentence for his friend.
Neil bowed his head. He shook it weakly. “No.” It was hardly more than a whisper.

The silence stretched for what could have been an eternity. Neil thought he was going to collapse any second now; this was just all too much. He was up for almost 24 hours, he had not eaten, had not take any drugs the whole day and now it took its toll.
“I believe you.” Daniel’s measured voice cut through his clouded thoughts. Neil’s eyes snapped open. He could do nothing but stare at this man in front of him in disbelieve. What had he just said? That he believed him? A wave of relief washed over him. Maybe not all was lost after all. Maybe Daniel could help him. Maybe.
He shut his eyes. He did not have the strength for more tears; he hardly had the strength to speak.
“You are amazing, Daniel Parker!” He said, half laughing, half crying. If he was not close to being hysterical now, then he would never be.
Daniel threw him an icy stare.
“I don’t have to tell you what I think about it. You seem to know that it’s horrible. I’m not your conscience, Neil.” He sighed and ran a hand wearily over his face.
“But I’m your friend and I will help you. I don’t want you to fall because of all that. I… I don’t want to lose another friend!”
He went back to the armchair and threw himself down into it heavily. He sighed again and shook his head.
“My dear, that’s truly the worst mess you ever got yourself into, Mister! Now, what are you gonna do?”
Neil wiped at his tears absent-mindedly”. “What do you mean?”
“You got to get sobered up. Get help, maybe. And make sure that this doesn’t get out. Who knows about this… this secret of yours?” Daniel was back with the reigns, taking control of the situation. He had always been good at that, to keep his head above water when everybody else was drowning. It made Neil smile again; sometimes he did not mind being bossed around like that.
“Yes, Mum! No, seriously, I’ve got things planned for the sobering up bit,” Neil explained, ignoring Daniel’s thrown at his joke.
“Rehab?”
“Private hospital. But yes, rehab, if you like,” Neil nodded with a shrug. God, it was still so hard to talk about this, to admit to this weakness.
“I’ll be gone for about two weeks, supposedly on a holiday. In reality it’ll be a simple detoxification. I don’t want to have anybody around. I don’t even want anybody else apart form you to know about this. So it’ll be just me in room, a doctor and some nurses. I was lucky, I can start tomorrow.”
Daniel let out a deep breath. “That’ll be hard.”
“Yeah, I know. But look at me know, I’m in a right state. I don’t want this to get even worse!”
Daniel nodded thoughtfully. “It’s probably a good thing that you say so. I guess you will get through, you’re strong.”
“Thanks.” Neil looked uncomfortable and hugged himself again. The shaking just wouldn’t stop. “Though I don’t really feel like it. But to your last question: Well, that boy obviously knows and the guy who… suggested him to me. Stefan knows. You know. And Kevin knows and he made the threads that he will go to the press and make sure that I get my headlines.”
“Ha!” Daniel laughed an ironic laughter which sounded almost like a bark.
“Kevin wouldn’t know how to contact the press if he had a journalist in bed! I wouldn’t worry about that. The boy himself won’t be thread. Same goes for the match-maker, I guess. And Stefan… That boy doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but you should talk to him when you’re… back from your holiday.”
“You’re possibly right. Why do things always seem so much more reasonable when I’m discussing them with you?” Neil wondered, amazed that suddenly there was so much less which scared him.
Daniel smiled at him affectionately.
“Because you’re the crazy artist and I’m the boring, reasonable teacher. And now to bed with you!”
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A fatal mistake