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I Hate How Much I Love You	By : YoshikiLove Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > X Japan Views: 1869 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of XJapan. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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I do NOT own X Japan, and make no profit off this
~~~~~Yoshiki~~~~~~
Why am I here? Why am I sitting here alone in my room, writing a song... when everything is breaking down around me? Fame... That's why....
It was odd how everything seemed different at night. Even in the busy city, you could still hear the silence of the dark. Oh yes, the sounds of the street reached your ears, but it didn't feel connected. Despite the world thrumming around you, with it's problems, bright lights, and blazing sirens... You were still disconnected at night. The slightest rustle seemed louder. Even the ticking of the clock seemed to fill every inch of his room. Despite the serene silence, his mind was working overtime. Sleep wasn't a concern, not when you had so much to do. Normally it was very common for him to just stay awake, working until the morning, but he couldn't even do that.
My heart beats
Yes it indeed DID beat... but why had it beat so fast? Faster than when he'd had asthma attacks as a kid... Faster than even the speed of is drums... He thought back on it, that uncomfortable stiffness that had slowly taken over all his muscles as Toshi's body had gotten closer. His warm minty breath washing over his face... Yet, he hadn't minded... Really, he was okay with it, but when the door had opened, his heart had plummeted into his stomach.
It's beating too fast....
He couldn't say why. Honestly he didn't know why. Why was he obsessed with hide!? In fact he always had been. If Yoshiki thought back, it had always plagued his mind. X... all he had ever cared about was simply X. He had MADE it, with his own two hands. He'd worked hard for it, pouring every aspect of his life, and every single aspect of his being into X, and yes... had even relished in it. Despite all the changes in the line-up the first few years, he hadn't given in for a moment. That was when he'd met hide...
I want fame
hide had a life. hide hadn't shared his complete groundless confidence that they would be rockstars. hide had a girlfriend, a future, he had beauty school, he even had his own band... and honestly? At the time there were plenty of guitarists to choose from. Why did I choose you? Was it the way he held himself on stage? The perfect curve of his neck... The way his fingers seemed to flow over every single string... That way he seemed bored at times, but the energy poured off him in waves....? The wild clothes... the angular jaw, that smirky smile he had... Why had he chosen him?
Look at the way he moves Toshi.
You seem almost obsessed, Yoshiki, you watch his shows whenever you can.
I don't know... He just... I don't know
Toshi had never said a word about Yoshiki's obsession to hide. In fact it had seemed almost as if he'd forgotten it once hide joined X. Maybe it had been the fact that he hadn't had to journey to see the slim man play. Maybe... but that didn't matter. He had chosen, and he was concrete in his decisions. All that mattered now was X, that's all that ever had mattered. These weird feelings... The confusing thoughts in his head, none of it mattered. Even if he did, he couldn't let go of his dream, his glory, and his greatest work... Not over feelings.
~~~~~hide~~~~~
Toshi Toshi Toshi Toshi Toshi. HE FUCKING HATED HIM! Well... Hate was a strong word. He was sitting here drinking with him after all. They had been friends forever... but why had he hurt Yo??! Yo was so sensitive... well yeah, he was a pompous asshole, who was obsessed with money, fame, and glory, but it was Yo, you dealt with it. He wasn't like fire and water. Just plain water was boring... It was more like icy rain, or hail... It rained down on you, taking over everything in it's path. On the news, on everyones lips "have you seen that rain out there!", but people admired it. Even went so far as to love the beauty of it... but the next second you were freezing your ass off, soaking wet, and miserable while that damn rain went off to take over another place... but then again he was fiery... Red like blood and flames, with his quick temper... There really was no way to describe Yoshiki, but he was beautiful... High maintanence, but gorgeous... What he'd do for him!
Yet, WHO GOT HIM!? FUCKING TOSHI!!!!!! TOSHI TOSHI TOSHTIHJASHKQW!!!! HE WOULDN'T HURT HIM!!!! HE'D HAVE FUCKING KEPT HIM FOREVER IF HE'D LET HIM!!!
"YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!" hide suddenly screamed his head off, slamming his fist onto the counter. Almost everyone turned and looked at him, but the only one who dared to speak was Toshi. He was used to it... The bottles on the counter rattled, when hide hit the bar a few more times, not even noticing how terrified the young bartender looked. Sure hide was thin, but he had a scary aura about him at the moment...
"Eh? hide? Did you drink too much? Maybe you should calm down on the bourbon?"
Toshi just blinked as hide glared at nothing. His fiery brown eyes narrowed at the bartender. Oh dear, This was what he knew would happen. He was already pretty drunk, and his response to drunk was drink...
“I WANT MOOOORRREEEEEE!!!!!!”
With that being said, hide took the situation into his own hands, crawling over the bar to grab another bottle of his favorite drink. Sure he wasn’t that drunk yet, but he was mad! Sorta… or he wanted to cry… He wasn’t that sure, but he did know he needed a fucking drink. The bartender was smart enough to slip out of the way as the brightly colored man crossed his legs, chugging away at the bottle.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay!”, Toshi called out loudly, bowing his head repeatedly to the other befuddled drinkers. “I can keep him in control”
~~~~~~~Yoshiki~~~~~~~~
BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!
Yoshiki blinked, looking up from the report on the next tour date. Who would be knocking on his door at 2am? The crew knew he stayed up late, but hed unplugged his phone and stuck the "Do not disturb" sign onto the back of his door. Thet generally meant LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! After glaring for a moment he looked back down at his work, eyes narrowing in concentration... maybe more lights on the right sta-
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!
Okay, he was pissed the hell off at this point. The pianist threw the entire booklet of papers across the room. This just wasn’t his fucking day!!! Emotional turmoil was enough in small doses!!! The solid wood work chair went sailing across the room next as he marched to the door, throwing it open.
“What the hell do you wa-… Toshi?”
Toshi stood in the doorway, his clothes hanging off, and his hair wet with what smelled like… bourbon? He looked up at Yoshiki and started babbling a bit… very unToshi Like…
“I CAN’T KEEP HIM IN CONTROL!!!!!!”
“Eh?”
Toshi just grabbed Yoshiki’s wrist, dragging him to the elevator as he explained. It would seem hide had drank all the bourbon behind the counter. If that wasn’t enough, he’d started serving “HIDE DRINKS!” which was a little bit of everything all mixed together… but of course he had to taste test everything before he gave it out… and dance around the stabilizing bar like a stripper pole while singing “Baby, blow blow blow me, and I’ll fuck you crazy” in drunk accented English….
By the time Toshi had finished his little story. They were in the bar… and sure enough the story seemed pretty true. Hide was partially slumped over the bar, telling a story about how he was the worlds greatest guitarist because he had talented hands. Generally this wasn’t new… Neither was the fact that he had a woman under each arm, and was grinning like the Cheshire cat…
But it still pissed him off...
“hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~~~~~hide~~~~~~
He’d been having a good time! YEAH RIGHT! His life was fucking over! Maybe if he kept drinking, he’d just zone out or stay gone forever. Where there was no Yoshiki… No fuckin Toshi… No fuckin…. Anything! Just gone! Slowly it had happened. Why was he here again? HE WASN’T SAD! Oh no, not when the girls were this pretty, and getting prettier every drink… Uhm... He wasn't sure what that meant, but he didn't mind!
But right about then… he heard it….
“hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“YO!?”, he blinked and stood up fast! OH SHIT! IT WAS HIS FUCKING MAD VOICE!.... Then the room spun… and the girls suddenly wobbled and… where was he?…. Oh….
Right about that time, he felt himself get acidicy, that gross taste of “about to get sick” filling his mouth… and then everything was woooozy… Oh shi-
~~~~~Yoshiki~~~~~
That fucking moron! It had been… disgusting. It wasn’t even worth thinking about. How fucking sick! Ugh… well… With Toshi’s help, they’d managed to drag hide upstairs and get him cleaned up, but Toshi had been a coward and abandoned him, the moment he’d started having trouble getting hide dressed. Especially since that drunk idiot kept putting in his two cents now and then.
“But Yo-chan, I don’t like to be naked. My body is icky”
“Then put your clothes on!”
“They’re not onnnn?”
“NO!!!”
"Ewwww that's so icky!"
"SHUT UP AND GET DRESSED!"
“I’m not dresssssed??!”
“AAAAUGH!”
Finally he’d given up, just tossing him in bed and covering him with the sheets. Sure hide would be uncomfortable for a week, knowing people had seen him nude, even if it was old friends, but he didn’t really care at the moment.
“Why did you go and act li-….” Yoshiki blinked glancing back… was he….?… No way… Out cold… That fucker.
For some reason though, he didn’t leave. Instead he just looked at hide sleep… He looked so young… His face relaxed, those long lashes soft against his cheeks. Hardly the trouble maker he was known for. It took awhile, but the harsh frown lines on Yoshiki’s face slowly vanished as he just… looked. His skin looked soft... Like velvet. hide had girls skin, even though he complained about how dark it was, he longed to touch it with his fingertips...
Why was his heart pounding? Why was he sitting here, not working…?
Because I'm obsessed with you
He sat there for hours… not moving from his seat, just drowning himself in his own thoughts. The same things as usual. Duty, Desire, Dreams… but he never could figure a single thing out. Just going in circles… How could such a rambunctious thing look so innocent in it’s sleep? So…
“ Beautiful?…”
Always... I can never stop thinking about you
Yoshiki wasn’t sure why he did it, but he leaned down, and gently brushed his lips over hide’s forehead. Without a word, or a backward glance, he stood up and left, locking the door behind him.
That was the last time he’d think of hide like that
I've always been obsessed with you... hide
~~~~End of chapter~~~~
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I Hate How Much I Love You