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If We Hold On Together	By : EmilyRose Category: My Chemical Romance > Slash - Male/Male Views: 2249 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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A/N: So, I get like no reviews, does this new fanfic suck or what?

For another three weeks things just rushed by. I didn't do anything, I barely ate, and I didn't speak to anyone. I just stayed in my room, at all times. My arms were so covered in cuts I had started cutting my legs instead. And my heart ached so much I could barely breathe. More often then not I'd cry myself to sleep.

Then came the day that Gerard visited me in my room again. I didn't look at him; I stared at the blood sprayed walls. I heard him walk towards me and then I felt the bed shift as he sat down. And instantly I tried to get away, but he was too fast. In a matter of seconds he had me pinned again the mattress and he was violently kissing my neck. I screamed bloody murder and begged for him to stop. I cried that we were brothers, that he should think about what he was doing. I begged him to not hurt me again.

And suddenly he stopped, he let go of my arms and sat up. He got up from my bed and his eyes were wide in fear. "Oh God" he whispered and then he was gone. It was like he had just realized what he was doing, and I thanked God for that. I was crying heavily when my dad came into my room an hour later.

"Mikey" He said and embraced me. For once he wasn't drunk, which surprised me, but made me happy. I cried against his shoulder, and the feeling of having someone hugging me was almost too much to bear.

"I'm so sorry Mikey, for everything" I knew he wasn't talking about what happened between me and Gerard, after all he didn't know about that. But he was still apologizing, and that made my eyes fill up with tears again.

"I love you dad" I whispered as he rubbed circles on my back.
"I love you too Mikey" He whispered back.

+

Of course that was a rare thing. My dad being sober, but he did try. But he just wasn't strong enough to stay away from the bottle. Gerard left; he packed his things and moved in with our cousin a few blocks away. He didn't speak to me again.

Then one day I decided to go to school, out of the blue. I had to leave my room; I just needed the world again. In my worn jeans and black t-shirt I made my way to school. My hair was a mess, and I was unusually skinny. But that didn't stop me from feeling good. I had the feeling something would change.

And something did.

Her name was Alicia. The new girl. And we hit it off instantly. I was assigned to be the one to show her around, and that's when we realized how much alike we were. We liked the same music, the same movies and so on. We had the same humor so we laughed all the time. She started sitting with me and the group at lunch, and they always gave us knowing smiles.

They knew we were going to end up together, and of course we did. After four months I said 'I love you' to her and I really meant it. She said it back right away and I smiled from ear to ear. When we graduated we were still together, and our relationship was wonderful.

Gerard disappeared after graduation; he went to New York to go to college. Not that it really mattered to me anyway; he hadn't spoken to me since… since before he raped me. I and Alicia had of course gone all the way, and I could tell she enjoyed it very much, but I never did. I just couldn't. I faked that I did, and she didn't notice. When we had been together for three years Alicia started talking about us getting engaged. I didn't want to though. Sure, I loved Alicia, she was the light in my life, the reason I got over Gerard. Or that's a lie; I never got over what Gerard did to me. And something didn't feel right in my relationship with Alicia. I loved her, and I was happy, but still I wasn't. Something was missing, and I was still broken.

The only person that could fix me was the person I hadn't seen for more then three years.

+

"How about this ring?" Alicia said and pointed towards another ring in the catalogue. I shrugged again and barely looked at it. She was pushing for us to get engaged, but I still didn't want to. We were both in college in New York, since we got into the perfect school there. I hadn't seen Gerard though, which was a relief.

My dad hadn't seen Gerard either, and I hadn't seen my dad. My dad was in prison; he got really drunk one night and drove over a kid with his car. He regretted it, and knew he deserved what he got. But I just couldn't go see my dad, it hurt too much. I was still angry at him for not helping me, for not rescuing me.

Frank, Ray and Bob stayed in Jersey, but I still saw them on a regular basis. They knew something had happened between me and Gerard, but they had no idea how serious it really was. They all tried to talk me into go seeing Gerard, but of course I couldn't.

"Mikey, pay attention" Alicia said, now fed up with me not even looking at the rings she pointed at.

"That one" I said and pointed to a random one, just so she'd shut up. She smiled and started jumping up and down in her seat.

"I love it, oh Mikey lets get that one" She said and I nodded slowly. I should've told her no, but I didn't. I couldn't.

+

"Gerard" I whispered when I opened my door. Tears immediately formed in my eyes as his eyes met mine.

"Can I come in?" He asked and I trembled, my whole body shook and I felt sick. Alicia wasn't home at the moment, and I felt like I wanted to die. I nodded my head even though I should've slammed the door in his face. When we sat down on our couch I realized that I was alone with the person who had broken me down to nothing. And I was scared, really scared.

"Oh God Mikey" He said and started crying. The minute I saw his tears I started crying as well.

And there we were, two brothers, clinging to each other like we would die if we didn't. I forgot about how he broke me, I forgot about how I hated him, I forgot about how he ruined my life.

We sat there for hours, crying and clinging to each other. Our arms wrapped tightly around each others bodies, and our hands fisted I each others clothes. I cried more then I had in years, and I know he did too.

"I'm so sorry" He choked out between sobs and I nodded my head against his neck.
"I know" I whispered out and hugged him even tighter. Then I suddenly pulled away and stared him dead in his eyes.

"Why?" I asked, my voice hoarse from all the crying. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and took a trembling breath before answering.
"Because I loved you so" He said and looked down on his hands.

+

I told him everything, everything that had happened in my life since we last spoke. And he told me everything. From the beginning. How he was guilty for being in love with me, his own brother, and how he hated himself for hurting me. He told me he had gone to therapy to get over me, to fall out of love with me, and that he hadn't dared to seek me out until he was completely sure that all his feelings for me was gone.

I told him about Alicia, that I loved her, but wasn't happy. That we were getting engaged, and I didn't want to. I cried as I told him about our sex life. That I always had to fake my pleasure, since I never could enjoy it. I guess I should've felt weird saying that to my brother, but I didn't.

I don't know why, but I forgave him. Just like that. I shouldn't have I guessed, but I didn't know what else to do. I still loved him, he was my brother, and even though he had done something terrible, I had to forgive him.

+

"Let's leave" He said and I looked up at him. He was sitting on my couch, my head in his lap, and we were watching TV. I didn't say anything, I just stared at him, and he looked down on me.

"Let's just leave, you and I, just go somewhere to think" He said again and pulled me up so I was sitting. I thought about it for a moment, and then decided 'what the hell'.

"Okay" I whispered.

+

I left Alicia a note, telling her me and my brother had to do something. I hoped she'd understand, after all I had told her almost everything about Gerard. Of course not what he'd done, but almost everything else. I knew it was a coward thing to do, just leaving her a note like that, but I couldn't face her. I wrote that I needed a break, that I needed to fix things with Gerard, and that was it. Then I signed it with 'Mikey'. I didn't even write 'I love you'.

When I stood in the opening to our apartment I took a quick look around the place. Then I closed the door carefully and walked after Gerard towards his car. I knew what I was doing was the right thing. I think the thing that had been missing my whole life was Gerard, and now that I finally had my brother back I didn't want to let him go.
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If We Hold On Together