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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

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Kaoru sighted, but tried yet another time to make Kyo’s fingers grasp the fork on their own.

“You’ll like it, Kyo, believe me. It used to be your favorite treat. Come on, take the fork.”

Finally it seemed like the fork was going to stay in Kyo’s fingers. Now to the second part of the process. Kaoru took Kyo’s hand holding a fork in his own and guided it to the little box that was full of small banana pieces coated with caramel. He stuck the fork in one of the pieces, then guided it to Kyo’s lips and touched them with the little bite of food.

For a moment it seemed that Kyo didn’t even feel anything, but soon he opened his lips a little and Kaoru thrust the food inside Kyo’s mouth. Very slowly Kyo started to chew and Kaoru sat patiently, waiting for him to finish.

Kyo was starring out the window, his gaze focused on nothing in particular. He looked much better already. In two months that he was back, he gained six kilograms. He still was too thin for his height, but at least they were on the right track and Kyo was eating.

“You see? It’s good. The whole box is for you, so dig in.”

When Kyo swallowed, Kaoru still helped his hand to go back to the food, but this time Kyo slowly turned his head and his eyes were now fixed on the little red box full of banana pieces coated in caramel. When another piece was stuck on the fork, Kaoru let go of Kyo’s hand and watched how Kyo lifted the fork himself and put the food in his mouth.

Now Kaoru could lean back and wait for Kyo to finish.

He watched as piece after piece disappeared in Kyo’s mouth and was content with himself. He knew he wasn’t allowed to really bring anything here, but the nurses almost never came to check up on Kyo unless it was time for drugs, therapy, eating or to go to bed. He knew the schedule very well by now, so he was almost sure that nobody will ever notice.

“You can have it all, Kyo. I’ll eat later. They’re going to throw me out of here at dinner time no matter, so I’ll eat later. Stupid pricks.”

Kaoru wished he could stay beside Kyo the whole day, but he couldn’t. The visiting hours were very strict. He could be here in the morning from 9 to 12 o’clock and in the afternoon from 3 to 6 o’clock. This, in his opinion, wasn’t long enough. But the rules were strict. There were patients who got quite bothered if too many strangers were walking around all the time.

Kaoru sighted and watched as Kyo took yet another bite. Even if there was no real expression on Kyo’s face, Kaoru thought that perhaps Kyo remembered this desert as he was eating it quite heartily. Or at least he remembered the taste and liked the sweet sensation in his mouth. They don’t give sweet stuff to eat in here.

“You’re almost done, Kyo” Kaoru smiled affectionately. He still couldn’t tear his eyes off Kyo. That Kyo was here was still a miracle to him and he could watch him for hours and hours.

Though at first it brought only heavy pain to his heart. Kyo wasn’t the same. The lack of any emotion and response to anything made Kaoru want to just curl up and die. Nothing the doctors did made Kyo respond in any way. The most believable diagnosis was that his head was void of any thoughts and any comprehension of surroundings. It’s as if he would be hovering in a soundless atmosphere without anything to settle his gaze on. Nothing triggered his attention, therefore, no thoughts entered his mind.

Kaoru sighted involuntarily, as the fork hit the already empty box and Kyo was putting it back to his lips even though there was nothing to eat any more. He took the fork away from Kyo and stuffed it together with the box in his bag. When his eyes shifted back to Kyo, he saw that Kyo was now starring at the surface of the table, his right hand resting in front of him.

“We’ve still got an hour and a half until I need to go, so maybe let’s go out for a walk? It seems like such a wonderful spring day. A couple of sakura trees in the backyard should already be blossoming.”

Kaoru was silent for a moment as if waiting for Kyo to reply, then sighted and stood up. He took Kyo’s hand by the elbow and tugged it up. Kyo, feeling this, stood up and Kaoru started walking, his hand still firmly grasped on Kyo’s elbow. Kyo followed obediently.

They entered the main room where usually all the patients were spending their time. Barely anyone looked at them now. After more than a month of Kaoru visiting here, other patients stopped caring about him. They used to stare, used to go close to him and touch him, talk to him even though they couldn’t even formulate their thoughts clearly. But now it was almost calm. Kaoru was really glad that he became invisible to most of the inhabitants in Kyo’s ward.

The doctors put Kyo in the part of the institution where the most severely ill patients were locked. So there really was no one at least a bit sane. And Kaoru didn’t like this at all.

How could Kyo get better if all he saw every day were total psychos? How could he get better by sitting every day in his room on the bed or by the window and starring into something? He wouldn’t go anywhere unless someone took him out of the room, so Kaoru almost always found him in his room when he would come in the morning. And later, after dinner, he would find him in the main room, as the nurses after lunch would lead him there and leave him.

It was not a healthy environment and Kaoru hated Kyo’s parents for leaving him here.

Kyo stayed in the hospital for just six days. His physical wounds were not too severe and they were already healing. The doctors spent most of that time trying to figure out where to put him and how to treat his illness after he was discharged.

Finally, with the agreement of his parents, Kyo was sent here – to the mental institution. But if anyone asked Kaoru, they were just naming things nicely. It was the most real loony-bin he has ever seen. Kyo didn’t belong among crazy people. He wasn’t crazy! During the time that he was missing, he obviously had suffered so much that his mind just snapped.

Of course, the doctors would immediately add that it’s also a result of the drugs and medicine he was forced to take during that time, but, in Kaoru’s opinion, the shock must have been the fatal cause of Kyo’s recent state.

Kyo’s parents had a very long and thorough discussion about his condition. Kaoru knows just the gist of it. Kyo’s sister told him. She said that her parents have their own business and can’t be 24/7 with Kyo at home, especially when Kyo needs to be taken care of constantly. Kyo can’t even eat or go to bed on his own. So taking him home to Kyoto was not an option. His sister was still studying in the university and also working part-time, so she couldn’t take Kyo with herself as well. So the doctors suggested to put him in a mental institution, where he would be taken care of, he would get a therapy along with other similar patients and would be safe.

The doctors prescribed some drugs for Kyo, but nothing else to help him get better. And as no member of the family wanted to take him home, he was stuck where he is now. His parents would pay for Kyo’s stay here from his own bank account and, according to them, everything was settled.

Even the media finally got bored of chasing after this story. It was two months already that Kyo was found and his family, band members and friends were already left in peace by the journalists. And what could they possibly still write? That the police don’t know where he was or what had happened to him? That doctors announced him to be crazy and had put him in a mental institution? That Dir en grey is really done for good and that the singer is now a half-deaf crackpot?

It gets annoying to read stuff like that pretty soon. So, to Kaoru’s relief, they all were finally left in peace.

But about a month ago, on the day when the doctors refused all hope for Kyo’s recovery was still harder than any other day before. Kyo was supposed to stay here for as long as he’s like this. And who on earth would get better in such a place? How Kyo has to get better by sitting almost all the time alone and doing nothing? By not being able to see normal people? He needs to learn to use a toilet, but nobody here cares enough to help him. They showed him a few times, but apparently it was not enough. And, according to them, they don’t have more time for this, so Kyo’s left with peeing and doing other stuff in his pants. Or, to be more precise, in his diapers for adults. Can you get better by sitting on your own excrements all the time?

Of course, they weren’t ignoring Kyo on purpose. They said it’s either Kyo’s mind clicks on by itself, or he’ll stay like this for the rest of his life. But chances that Kyo would ‘come back’ were slim according to them. Kyo’s doctor looked after him, and the nurses were kind, but they just didn’t believe he could get well, they didn’t have any trust in Kyo as Kaoru did. And they had so many other patients, who required much, much more attention than Kyo did. Kyo was the most silent of all. He would just sit throughout the day and do nothing. Others needed to be always observed, as they often did stuff to other patients or themselves that Kaoru never even thought possible. They required more attention than Kyo and it was understandable.

But abandoning Kyo like that was like announcing a death sentence to him. If only Kyo was in the normal environment, surrounded by people who really cared about him and loved him, he would have a better chance at getting well.

Or at least that was what Kaoru believed.

He once talked to one nurse and she said that of course it would be better for all the patients to be at home with their families, but it was utopia. To take care of a mental patient was an extremely hard task, requiring a lot of time and effort, and patience. So it was understandable, that most of the relatives left it to do to the professionals.

“Are you going for a walk, Niikura-san?” Kaoru heard a nurse ask him.

“Yes, we are. It’s a beautiful afternoon.”

“Yes, it surely is. Just don’t sit in the shadow, because Tooru might get a cold.”

“Of course” Kaoru nodded.

He guided Kyo out of the doors and immediately they were greeted by the sunshine.

“Isn’t it a wonderful day, Kyo?”

Kaoru glanced at Kyo for a moment, then sighted and started walking.

He couldn’t help but be angry at Kyo’s parents for abandoning him like that. He couldn’t know for sure, but he suspected that their unwillingness to take Kyo back home, at least transfer him to a hospital in Kyoto where he could be closer to his family, in a way was because Kyo’s parents still were reluctant to accept the fact that Kyo might be gay or bi.

And this was so stupid! To leave their son in such a depressing place just because of something he might or might not be was just too cruel! They never even visited. It took some time and money to come to Tokyo and back. So they didn’t come. After Kyo was taken to this place, they left and as far as Kaoru knew, just called his sister to check up on how the things were going.

His sister visited as much as she could. But she was busy with her job and studies, so she sometimes couldn’t even manage one visit per week.

“Your sis told me she’d perhaps visit on Saturday. I know you’re always waiting for her, Kyo.”

Kaoru watched as Kyo’s eyes squinted a bit because the sun was shining directly into them. No other reaction. There never was any reaction.

Kaoru immediately suppressed these thoughts. He just tried no to think about it. He lived by waiting for Kyo to get better, to smile again and just be himself. Just be the old Kyo everyone misses so much.

“If you could only leave, we would go to a café, we’d get some coffee and cakes. I know you can’t drink alcohol and that’s cruel, but your health is more important, so we’d have to stick to tea and coffee. But we would still have so much fun…”

Kaoru looked at the flowers growing in the grass near his feet and sighted again.

“I’d love to take you to watch sakura trees. They’re already blooming here, in Tokyo. I know you liked them.”

But he fell silent suddenly. Today it was too hard for him to speak. He knew that he’d have to go back home soon and he didn’t want to leave Kyo in this place all alone yet another night.

Kyo would be so ashamed if he knew that some random people, even if they were nurses, undressed him every evening, cleaned his private parts and put him to bed. He would never want strangers to shower him, feed him, take him for a walk. He would be humiliated if he would understand what was happening to him now.

But perhaps he has gone through much worse things than this when he was gone…

Kaoru caught himself in time and stopped these dangerous thoughts. They never led to anything good. They only tore his heart apart.

“It’s almost time for us to head back in” he tried to sound cheerful. “Tomorrow I’ll bring some new book for you to read again as we finished our last one already.”

They went back in and Kaoru guided Kyo back to his bed. He made Kyo sit and straightened. Looking down on Kyo’s calm face, his heart squeezed painfully at the thought of having to leave him again. It was too hard to go away. Even if he was not beside Kyo, he always thought of him. He just couldn’t stop thinking about the once cheerful and enigmatic blond with a magnificent voice and strong will.

“I wish I could stay” Kaoru whispered and brought his hand on Kyo’s cheek. “I know you’d like that too. It would be better than staying here on your own.”

Perhaps he was stretching this too far. He never knew what Kyo thought of Kaoru’s feelings for him. There was a slight chance that he would have never wanted to even hear it again, perhaps be shocked and disgusted.

But knowing that he perhaps had a lover - a guy - Kaoru really doubted Kyo would have reacted like that. Perhaps he would have just told him he was not interested. That Kaoru was not his type. Or that he was back on dating girls again. But Kyo would never have been too hard with Kaoru. Kyo was just a better person than that. He was kind and loving and he would have never hurt his close friend like that.

Or at least Kaoru really wanted to believe in this.

What would Kyo say if he knew Kaoru was visiting him so often now? Would he think Kaoru had any secret hopes? Would Kyo be careful and suspicious?

Kaoru drew back his hand from Kyo’s cheek and looked at his deep, dark eyes.

“All I want is for you to come back to us, Kyo… I swear, it’s all I want. It’s all I can think of… If you come back and say you don’t want to see me anymore, then that would be fine… It would hurt, but I would survive… Please, Kyo, please, be strong. Get well soon. We all miss you…”

Kyo stared at something on the other end of the room as if he was a wax doll – void of any thoughts and emotions.

Kaoru stood up abruptly and took his back.

“See you tomorrow, Kyo-kun. Have a good evening.”

Then he turned and left.

For the first time in many weeks he even wanted to get out of that place himself. It was draining all the hope out of him and without hope it was impossible to keep on going.

If only I could be with you all the time. Or take you home with me…

Kaoru stopped suddenly, as if he just had a revelation.

Would it even be possible? Could it really be done?

He suddenly grabbed his phone and dialed.

“Hey! --- No, he’s alright! I wanted to ask if we could meet. I need to talk to you, please. --- Ok, Saturday is fine with me. After visiting Kyo we could go have lunch in a nearby restaurant. --- Thanks a lot. Goodbye.”

He thrust the phone in his pocket again and started walking in big steps. He was so excited that he barely saw anything around himself and bumped in some people until he reached his car.

And why not? It should be possible to do! It would be best for Kyo! It would be much better than staying in that horrid place!

He threw the bag on the passenger’s seat and turned the engine on.

Oh God, if only it could be done! I must do everything I can to make it happen! I’m not going to leave Kyo rot and die in that place!

He drove off already thinking various possibilities and things that he would say to Kyo’s sister. He needed to really think this through, but it was possible. He was positive about that at least.

TBC

I think you can easily guess what Kaoru is thinking about, as it was more or less said somewhere along the lines ^^ And comments are always welcome ^^
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Blurry Days