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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
“Hey, Totchi! Toshiya!”
“What?” Toshiya’s angry face popped out in the doorway, glaring at Die sprawled on the bed.
“Come on, don’t say you really got angry over that!”
“I did!”
“Totchi, please, there’s no need to! I didn’t have another choice!”
“You could have told him to piss off! Not say ‘yes yes, of course we will change it the way you like it’! It’s a fucking cowardly thing to do, Daisuke!”
Toshiya turned off the light in the bathroom and now fully stepped into the bedroom, drying his hair with a towel.
“Yes, and then stick that song to a place where the sun doesn’t shine! You know perfectly well what could have happened if I told him we’d still do it our way! I had no choice!”
“Kaoru always found a way to get them to let us release the songs the way we wanted” Toshiya grunted, starring at Die from above.
“When we were insanely famous and were becoming even idols” Die replied dryly. “Our current band is in no position to raise demands if we want to release more albums.”
Toshiya threw the towel on a chair and turned his back to Die. Die spoke the bitter truth. And yet Toshiya was still angry.
“You could at least try” he muttered, bitterness seeping in each of his word. “Our band isn’t that bad.”
Die sighed and turned to lie on his back, starring at the ceiling.
“I didn’t want to argue with him. He was in a shitty mood and I just knew I wouldn’t get my way even if I had brilliant ideas. What I thought is to change something very minor and then try again and talk him into giving us more freedom with this new album.”
“The biggest problem is that sometimes you are spineless, Die.”
Die turned to look at Toshiya and found his lover starring back at him.
“Don’t look at me like that, Die. You know it’s true.”
“Well, sorry if the label is giving us a hard time. I just have troubles understanding how suddenly it has become completely my fault!”
“You are the one talking to them for the whole band! And the more time passes, the shittier of a job you do!”
Die sat in bed now glaring at Toshiya angrily.
“You can do it instead of me, I have no objections to that! I’d love to see you persuading them to give us more freedom!”
“Fine! I’ll do it! And I bet our band mates will not object to that!”
“Fine with me!”
Die lied down and turned his back to Toshiya. He heard Toshiya still going around in the bedroom, dressing for the night. Then he turned off the light and lied down next to Die. There was still some space between their bodies. Toshiya made himself comfortable, but he didn’t even close his eyes. He was still angry.
They both turned their backs to each other, but Die could still feel how Toshiya was breathing tensely. He closed his eyes and tried to relax and get asleep. But Toshiya’s words were still resounding in his head and he just couldn’t throw them out.
He was angry at that prick from the label. But now he was even angrier at Toshiya.
Both of them fell asleep without saying a word to each other.
***
“Hurry up!” Die screamed angrily standing in the doorway. “We’ll be late because of you!”
Toshiya appeared in the hall throwing daggers at Die and looking very displeased and ready for a fight.
“I’m coming! Can’t you see? And if we’re going to be late once because of me, it will never top the times of us being late because of you!”
Toshiya stepped out into the hall and headed outside, not waiting for Die to lock the door. Die caught up with him only outside. He unlocked the car and Toshiya headed for the driver’s side.
“I’m driving today” he said glaring at Die and looking as if he was daring Die to talk back and argue with him. But Die just threw the keys to Toshiya and sat in passenger’s seat. Toshiya started the car and they drove off.
The atmosphere in the car was tense. Both of them were still angry with each other because of yesterday and neither of them was inclined to yield their point.
“We have a photo shoot in the afternoon and an interview for GIGS, remember?” Toshiya asked, not sparing a glance at Die.
“Of course I do” Die said, crossing his hands on his chest and starring out the window. “I don’t have amnesia. I’m only spineless.”
“Glad we agree at least on that” Toshiya shot back.
“You know what, Totchi, dearest” Die said and turned to look at Toshiya. Toshiya half turned to look at Die, cocking one of his eyebrows, as if challenging Die for a fight. “Fuck you.”
Toshiya sneered back and turned to look back at the road.
The rest of the drive to the studio was silent and full of tension in the air. As soon as Toshiya parked the car, Die climbed out and headed straight inside, not waiting up. He got in the main room and angrily threw his bag on a sofa.
“So you’ve already heard the news?”
Die jumped in surprise. He didn’t see the drummer of their band right beside him.
“What news? What are you talking about?”
The drummer opened his mouth for a silent ‘ow’ and fidgeted a little. During those moments Toshiya caught up with Die and entered the room, looking angry and irritated as never before.
“Morning” he muttered to their drummer. But then noticed the strange expression on his face and stopped for a moment, first looking at the drummer, then at Die. “What’s up?”
“I thought you would be one of the first ones to know” their drummer uttered, clearly not wanting to be the barer of the news.
“Know what?” Die barked, clearly still immensely annoyed. “Just say it! Don’t beat around the bush like some chick with gossip!”
“It’s about your ex-band members” the drummer said, now feeling a bit irritated himself about Die’s attitude. “Haven’t you heard what happened yesterday?”
“No” Toshiya said, getting worried all of a sudden. “What is it?”
“Your friends Kyo and Kaoru were attacked yesterday night. Both of them seem to be OK, but Kaoru killed the attacker. It is rumored in the paper that he is even still in police custody since yesterday night.”
Die and Toshiya could only stare at their drummer for some seconds, totally stunned by the news.
“What the fuck…” Die uttered.
“Who attacked them? Where? Why?” Toshiya also seemed to still be too surprised by these news.
“Here” the drummer took the newspaper from the table and showed it to his band mates. “It is said that they were attacked in Kyo’s house by the same man who kidnapped Kyo back then.”
Toshiya took the paper in his hand, but could just read the headline and look at the picture of Kyo and Kaoru. He was too shocked to actually read the article.
“Kaoru killed the guy?” he heard Die ask and looked up at the drummer again.
“The paper says so.”
Toshiya lowered the newspaper and looked at Die. He could see Die was shocked and as much confused as he was.
“We need to call…” Die said but stopped for a moment and started pacing back and forth in the room. “Who the fuck should we call? What should we do?”
“Is Kyo all right?” Toshiya asked and the drummer shrugged his shoulders.
“It is said he is in a hospital, suffering from shock.”
“I’ll call his sister” Die decided and dialed. Nobody seemed to be against this idea. Toshiya and the drummer waited looking at Die with his cell pressed to his ear. Nobody picked up for so long that it seemed that the call will be unanswered. But finally Die heard Kyo’s sister’s voice on the other end.
“Hey! It’s Andou Daisuke! Umm… Hi!”
Toshiya came closer to Die in hopes of hearing the voice on the other end of the phone.
“Yes, we’ve just heard what happened. I mean me and Toshiya. How is Kyo? --- You know what, just tell which hospital he is in and we’ll be there soon. --- Yes, I know where it is. OK. See you soon. Bye!”
Die hung up and looked at Toshiya.
“Let’s go. I know it’s not really OK to ignore our work schedule, but…”
“Just go, we will manage without you today” the drummer urged them. “We’ll rearrange today’s meetings for later. Considering that these news are all over the newspapers, nobody will really question why the two of you are gone.”
“Thanks” Toshiya said and turned to look at Die. “Let’s go.”
Die nodded, grabbed his bag and both of them left the room in a hurry. The drummer sat down with a flop and sighed.
“Fuck…” was all he could think of saying. He lit up a cigarette and waited for the forth member of the band to finally show up.
***
Toshiya was just too nervous to concentrate on driving, so Die sat in front of the wheel, while Toshiya took the passenger’s seat. For some time they both sat in silence, Toshiya nervously playing with the seatbelt and Die tapping his fingers on a wheel and constantly fidgeting.
“Shit, this is bad” Toshiya muttered, finally not being able to keep all the emotions inside. “It’s like Kyo missing all over again.”
“It’s not” Die immediately said and glanced at Toshiya. “They are both all right.”
“We don’t know that for sure yet!”
Die kept his mouth shut, knowing that Toshiya was right and worrying as well.
“Daisuke?”
“Yeah?”
“What if there’s only half of the truth in the newspaper and something really bad happened to Kyo because he’s still in a hospital?”
“You mean…?”
But Die couldn’t finish his thought out loud. He hoped they were wrong and Kyo wasn’t hurt in any way even remotely close to how he was hurt before. It would bring fatal consequences. They both knew Kyo wouldn’t be able to take the same torture and abuse for a second time and be fine. This time it would take even more time for him to recover.
“I hope not…” Die muttered. “We’ll soon find out by ourselves. We’ll soon be there.”
For the rest of the drive they were silent. There was nothing to discuss and they just wanted to finally get to the hospital and see Kyo for themselves.
Kyo’s sister told them the ward Kyo was in and after going up to the seventh floor of the hospital, they finally reached the hall where they saw Kyo’s sister sitting on a chair. As soon as she saw them, she stood up and eagerly looked up at them.
“Oh, hello! I’m so happy to finally see somebody! I’ve been here alone since early morning and it was getting hard to be all alone with him.”
“How is Kyo?” Toshiya asked, forgetting to greet her.
“He’s considerably all right, I guess. When they brought him here at night, they said he was in shock and was delusional, so they gave him tranquilizers. And as he was overly agitated and scared and just simply panicking, they drugged him this morning again, so he’s relatively calm now. Just a bit confused. He isn’t completely able to sort out his thoughts and make coherence of them. But the doctor said it will pass soon – two days tops.”
“So he’ll be fine?” Die had to make sure.
“Yes, thank God he will.”
“What happened?” Toshiya asked silently. “Did the kidnapper really attack him?”
Kyo’s sister nodded, suddenly looking so very scared.
“Did he do anything to Kyo?” Toshiya asked again, as Kyo’s sister seemed to be unwilling to give out information easily.
“No, as far as I know, he didn’t. Just scared the hell out of Tooru. Unless… unless he’d be keeping the truth to himself. But the doctor said there weren’t any signs of… abuse on his body.”
“None at all?” Die wanted to make sure.
“Well, he was beaten up a bit, but nothing other than that… no…”
They all glanced at each other, exchanging the looks of understanding. Nobody wanted to even say the words, but they all knew what exactly they were talking about. But thankfully Kyo was not hurt very badly – not shot, not raped, not tortured.
“He’s fine” Toshiya repeated loudly, as if it made it easier for him to believe it was true.
“So why are you out here, not inside the ward with him?” Die asked.
“The police officers are now with him. They want to get a testimony from him as soon as possible and he’s just now able to coherently talk, so the doctor let them talk to Tooru. They’ve been there for almost ten minutes now.”
Die and Toshiya glanced at the door of the ward for a moment in silence.
“God, I still can’t believe it’s finally over…” Kyo’s sister said and sat on the chair again. She looked tired, but ready to fight at the same time. “I’m so relieved that that man’s dead.”
“So he really is?” Die asked and sat next to her. She nodded in agreement. Toshiya sat on her other side, also having a question of his own.
“So it’s true then? Kaoru killed the guy?”
“It seems so… Though Tooru said it was an accident, but we couldn’t really talk about it as the doctor and nurses were constantly going in and out after Tooru finally came round and was coherent enough. But he says Kaoru saved him. And I don’t think that’s only my brother’s delusions. Kaoru-san has done that before, saved him, I mean. Only this time he saved my brother directly from that madman’s hands.”
“But Kaoru is fine, isn’t he?” Toshiya inquired worriedly.
“He’s not hurt as far as I know.”
“So why isn’t he here?” Die asked. “He, of all people, would never leave Kyo now after what have happened!”
“I think he is still with the police…” Kyo’s sister said, looking cautiously at Die.
“Why are they keeping him so long?”
She shrugged, not having an answer.
They fell silent now and just sat, waiting for the police to go out so that they could finally get in and see Kyo.
They didn’t want to leave him alone for long. Not right now.
***
I see them come in the ward and take two chairs, put them next to my bed and sit. They stare at me politely, but sternly and I wish they would just get out of here. But I know they won’t. They have questions that need to be answered.
“Good morning, Nishimura-san” one of the two says politely. I just nod in response, still feeling dizzy and not really up for talking.
“How are you feeling?” the other asks, examining my expression.
“I’m OK, I guess” I mutter. My head still spins too much if I make sudden moves and my tongue feels swollen. I’m tired and feel like I’m still in a kind of dream where everything is blurry and unfocused, and surreal. But I am perfectly well aware of why I am here and what has happened.
Nurses drugged me pretty well though, as I feel too calm and too unmoved by yesterday’s events. It’s creepy. But I guess it’s better than being all scared and panicking and crying.
“We’re glad to hear this, Nishimura-san. Your doctor let us question you as he said you have already recovered from the initial shock.”
I nod along while he talks, but then remember the only question that is really of any importance to me right now.
“Where is Kaoru?”
“You mean Niikura-san?” one of the two, the taller one, asks. He doesn’t look hostile or judging or anything at all. He looks like he’s just doing a usual thing – another boring task in his job.
“Yes, Kaoru Niikura. Why isn’t he here yet?”
“Niikura-san is still at the police station and I’m afraid he might not be out today at all.”
“Why?”
Why the hell they would keep him there? They had almost all night to question him!
“He has confessed of being guilty for committing an accidental murder. He will be charged in trial for this crime.”
“W-what? Are you serious?”
“Unfortunately yes. This is the law.”
Kaoru? He will have to face trial for murder?
“But he is not guilty!” I sit up so quickly that the view in front of my eyes blurs for a moment and I can’t see a thing.
“Take it easy, Nishimura-san” I hear the shorter of the two speak up. “This is exactly why we are here – to get your side of the story and see what really happened yesterday.”
I blink and wait a few seconds until the view in front of me gets shapes. Then I turn to the cops and look at them pleadingly.
“Kaoru isn’t guilty of anything! He saved me from that fuck!”
“Please, Nishimura-san, start from the beginning and tell us exactly what happened.”
I nod and try to get a grip on myself. I fear to think what I’d be like if I wasn’t given any drugs. I guess I would still be babbling and be of no use to Kaoru. I have to gather my thoughts and tell them what happened.
“OK, so… yesterday… very late in the evening I returned home alone. I parked the car and… well, I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see a man approaching me. And I immediately recognized him. It was the same man who kidnapped me that time, back then... You know about that, right?”
I had to make sure. They had to know about what kind of fucking psycho we were talking about.
“Yes, we know that case” the taller one spoke up, reassuring me, while his partner was constantly scribbling something in a notebook which I noticed only now.
“I just… froze, because… well, I really… I was shocked and scared to death the moment I knew who it was… He grabbed me and dragged me to the back of my house, to the backyard and beat me up.”
“What exactly did he do?”
“He pushed me on the ground and kicked me in the stomach and on the sides, he even aimed at my head and I think I passed out, because the next thing I can remember is lying on the floor in my own kitchen.”
The more I talk, the more I remember. Every fucking detail.
I just could never tell them how scared I felt and how powerless, miserable and helpless as a fucking new born baby. My whole fucking body betrayed me and just stiffened, went numb, all limp and soft and powerless.
I haven’t been this scared since I got out of that hellhole. And only the thought of the torture coming back after me and dragging me back…
It was unbearable.
That moment I felt nothing but pure horror.
Pure, undivided, all-consuming horror.
“What happened then?”
I flinch from unexpectedness of hearing a gentle voice so near me.
“I… my hands and legs were bound, my mouth gagged with something… He was sitting on the floor, his back resting on the kitchen cupboard and watching me…”
He was leering from joy. Oh, I saw that written all over his fucking face! He was triumphant! He was getting off only on the thought of finally getting back a hold on me.
And I couldn’t do anything to save myself from that.
“I started struggling, trying to get myself free…”
I can hear how my voice sounds small and scared, but I just can’t help it. The memory is so vivid…
“He let me do that for some time and then… then he came closer to me and… and he started talking to me, started saying how much he m-missed me…”
How much he missed fucking me, hearing my voice scream in agony, touching me all over, beating me, dragging me by my hair around the room, rubbing himself against me, and fucking me again – hard, raw, cruel and dominating.
“He started fondling me all over… under my shirt and pants… and it went on and on…”
I lower my head not wanting to see the faces of the officers right now.
“He said that he didn’t plan this to happen so soon, but he just couldn’t resist the opportunity when he saw me alone at night with nobody around. He said… he said he was going to leave me for a moment and get the car and then… then he’d take me back to… to that p-place…”
Kaoru… I can’t do it… I can’t even think about it… about being taken back there…
“What happened next?” one of them, now I’m not even sure who, asks me as I remain silent.
“I… I don’t know how much time passed but he suddenly turned around to look at the hall… I just saw Kaoru standing there, looking dumbstruck. The fucker drew out a gun and lunged at Kaoru, but Kaoru just threw himself at the piece of shit and they started struggling.”
I try as hard as I can to remember the details, but it’s all very vague. I couldn’t even see it all happen as I was bound and lying on the ground, further away from both of them.
“I think I heard the gun fire three times.”
“You think?”
“It was… it was muffled… like shot through a pillow or something…”
I don’t know how the fuck to explain that. But I think I heard three shots.
“I turned to look at them, but they both were on each other and I couldn’t even see the gun. But then he just collapsed on the ground, a gun still in his hand. And Kaoru was standing beside him. He was not hurt – that I know for sure! Kaoru kicked the gun from the man’s grasp and then ran straight to me.”
And I can remember only that he hugged me so hard I almost choked from the strength of it. I felt Kaoru’s whole body tremble as if he was crying or just completely mad with anger. I couldn’t see his face.
He was shouting something to me, but I didn’t hear it.
“What happened then?”
“I think he untied me…”
“You think?”
“From then on… the memory is very… fuzzy… I don’t remember things clearly… I just remember being held by Kaoru and… and at some point I remember seeing other people and not finding Kaoru anymore… and…”
And it’s a total mess from then on. From when Kaoru finally had me in his arms, I guess my mind finally turned off and just snapped. I guess as my body was finally in a safe place, my mind decided to finally shut down to save me from more damage and shock.
“So you don’t remember when it was that Niikura-san called the police?”
I shake my head.
“Is there maybe anything else you would want to add, Nishimura-san?”
I think just for a moment and shake my head again.
“OK, then that’s all for now. This is your first official testimony, but we will have to do this again after your mind completely clears off.”
I nod. Even if I said no, nobody would listen.
“And you will have to come and identify the body as soon as possible. Tomorrow or the day after that.”
“Th-the b-body?”
“Yes. The body of the man who assaulted you. You have to clarify completely that this is the man who attacked you yesterday and that he is the same one who kidnapped you in November of 2003.”
I barely make myself to nod.
I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to see him again. Even if it would be his cold dead body in morgue.
“So this is all for now, Nishimura-san. Thank you for your cooperation and we’ll be seeing you again soon.”
“Wait!” I almost scream as they already are standing up. They turn to look at me questioningly. “What about Kaoru? Will you now let him go?”
“This is not for us to decide, Nishimura-san” the shorter one says looking almost sympathetic. “We will report the information that we have gathered from you and then it’s already not for us to decide.”
“I want to see him!”
“You can come to the police station as soon as they let you out” the shorter one smiles now, with some strange understanding on his face. “We will leave the address for your sister. You will still need to go there for further testimony, so you will surely be able to see Niikura-san as well.”
I nod slightly, not really feeling too reassured about anything.
“Get well soon, Nishimura-san. We’ll be seeing you in some days again” the shorter one says and his partner just nods in my direction.
They finally go out and I fall back on the pillow.
I slowly lift my hands and rub the sides of my aching head.
There are too many thoughts I have to sort out and I can’t even start to do that as the door to the ward opens yet again and I hear somebody come in. I take my hands off my head reluctantly to look who it is. And I’m not really so surprised to see Toshiya and Die heading straight towards me.
“Hi, Kyo!” Toshiya says.
“Hi” Die also greets me and I just nod.
“How are you?” Toshiya asks, looking very concerned.
“I’m OK…”
“The police officers are talking to your sister right now, but she’ll be here soon as well” Die says as if trying to justify her absence.
“It’s OK, I don’t mind.”
Silence settles between us and I see how agitated my friends are. They seem very worried and concerned.
“Kyo… what exactly happened?” Toshiya asks. “Are you really all right? Did he really not manage to hurt you?”
“I’m fine” I try to assure him, knowing very well where this is going. “Kaoru appeared there just in time. If not for him, I’d now be back in that fucked-up basement with that psychopath.”
“How is Kaoru?” Die asks and I immediately get irritated.
“How the fuck should I know if he is fine or not?! Do you see him anywhere close here?! I myself want to know how he is!”
“Sorry, sorry” Die even backs of a little from me and I immediately regret my outburst.
“Kyo, there’s no need to be angry” Toshiya butts in. “If police said he is fine, then he must be.”
“But why the fuck he is still held by the police?! Do you know what they said?! They said he will be charged in trial for murder!”
“W-what?” Toshiya gasped. “But…”
“Are you sure, Kyo?” Die asked, sitting down closer to me again.
“The officers who were just here said so.”
I lower my head again, feeling desperation starting to take over me. I grip the sheets in my hands trying to force the feeling away.
“But why?” Toshiya asks incredulously. “Wasn’t it an accident?”
I nod.
“It’s just the law” Die says silently. “Even if somebody kills somebody by an accident, they must still face the trial.”
“But it’s so fucking unfair” I force the words out through gritted teeth. My knuckles get white from gripping the sheets so tightly. I would do anything to have Kaoru safely here with me. “It’s so unfair…”
I feel Die’s hand on my shoulder suddenly, and he rubs it a bit perhaps trying to comfort me this way.
“That psycho tortured me so much – being shot and dying like that was such an easy way out for him. Such a painless and quick death… He didn’t get punished for what he’s done to me and now Kaoru is the one who’s going to be sent to jail?”
I feel like my happiness is suddenly slipping through my fingers and I’m helpless to stop it. Kaoru is going to get punished for saving me. Oh God… I just…
“Hey, don’t write him off, Kyo!” Die says. “It might all turn out just fine. Maybe it’s just a formality and Kaoru will be out of here in no time.”
“But they said there’s going to be a trial!”
I want to get a grip on myself, but I can feel slowly getting hysterical and I can’t help it.
“I can’t lose him! I can’t… what the hell will be left of my life if Kaoru will be gone from it?!”
“He won’t, Kyo” Toshiya shakes his head assuredly and sits on the other side of the bed next to me, taking one of my hands and making me let go of the sheets. “Come on, Kyo, Die must be right. This is just formality and you know how much time all the paper work takes. It won’t be sorted out in hours, it will take days. But he’ll be out of there soon.”
“But they said…”
“You know what?” Die interrupts me. “Me and Toshiya will go to see him right from here and will then get back to tell you all we got to know about the real situation. We’ll talk to Kaoru if we’ll be allowed and make sure he is fine, OK?”
“Yes, OK! Do it right away!”
I look up at them expectantly, but at that moment the doors open again and my sister comes in. She smiles at all of us slightly and comes closer.
“Are you alright, Tooru?”
I nod, trying to calm myself down. I don’t like this at all. The way life treated me in the past doesn’t make me feel too optimistic. I just can’t shake off the feeling that a long time of separation is in store for us again. And I can’t be separated from Kaoru. I just can’t. I don’t think I’d bear it. I just… please, just…
“Hey, Kyo-kun” I hear Toshiya’s soft voice near me and feel him grip my hand in his stronger one. “Don’t let the bad thoughts overtake you, alright? It might all end very soon and in your favor. Why don’t you think about it instead of expecting only bad to happen?”
“Because it might not be good and I…” this time I don’t even feel the knot in my throat break through and a sob escapes my lips. I hold my breath for a moment, but it is pointless to fight the sadness that slowly takes over each and every cell in my body. “I’m so afraid to lose him…”
“You won’t” Toshiya says. “You’ll see. You’re still in shock and terrified, no wonder bad thoughts get in your head. But you’ll get rest and things will seem better!”
“He’s right” I hear my sister’s voice. “Everything will be OK, Tooru. Especially now, after you’re finally really safe.”
I lift my head and first look at Die, then at Toshiya.
“Can you go and see Kaoru now? Please? They won’t let me out of here yet and I really want somebody reliable to make sure that Kaoru is really fine.”
“Yes, of course” Toshiya smiles reassuringly and stands up. Die follows immediately and stands up as well. “We’ll go now and then come back and tell you what we managed to get out of him.”
I nod.
“Bye, Kyo.”
“See you soon.”
I watch them go out of the room. I sigh and lower my head again, still feeling weak and miserable, and powerless.
“Hey, Tooru” my sister says and takes my hand in her soft and smaller one. “Everything’s going to be fine. The doctor said they’ll most probably let you out tomorrow morning.”
“I want to go now.”
She sighs and keeps silent.
Yeah, I know… It doesn’t matter what I want. I’ll still have to do as the doctor will tell me. Even if it’s totally pointless.
I sit there for a while until the knot in my throat goes away and I can breathe a little easier. The panic draws back slightly.
“Would you want some tranquilizers? I could go ask a nurse to bring you some.”
I think about it for a moment. Tranquilizers made me calm and apathetic. Almost unaware of what is going on around me. Without them the pain tears my chest and panic takes over easily. But without them I can think clearer.
I shake my head slightly.
“I’ll have to deal with it sooner or later without any drugs.”
“Yes, perhaps you’re right…”
She keeps silent, but doesn’t draw back or let go of my hand and I am very thankful to her for that. I need her support at least for now. It’s hard to be alone. I’m afraid to fall asleep, because whenever I close my eyes – I see him. Coldhearted, cruel and grinning madly at me. The fucking piece of shit I hate so much.
And Kaoru is not with me at the moment like this.
I feel my sis squeeze my hand tighter in support. I guess the look on my face gave all my feelings away.
“You should rest now while it’s still calm and no one’s visiting.”
Yeah, I guess I should.
I want to ask her if she called our parents and if they are coming. But I don’t really want to know. Or, to be more exact, I don’t really want to see them.
I lie down and close my eyes.
The scenes from yesterday’s night spring up in my mind immediately. But I try to force them out of my head. And when I do, I see Kaoru’s shocked face in the doorway to our kitchen. Looking at me, then at the man, shock written all over his kind face.
I want to see him and to make sure he is all right.
I want to see him as soon as possible. I need him by my side in order to breathe easier.
***
It’s still an early morning, but I feel like I’ve been up for hours and hours. My head is aching and a heavy feeling suddenly weights on my chest. After seeing Kyo I feel a bit calmer, but there still are many things that I am worried about. But I can work out at least one of those right now.
“Die?”
He half turns to me while driving, but his eyes are fixed on the road.
“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. I don’t think you’re spineless, that was quite exaggerated. And uncalled for.”
Die keeps silent, starring at the road and I wait for him to say something.
“Apology accepted” he finally says.
A small smile escapes and appears on my lips for a moment. But I have to really make sure he isn’t angry at me anymore.
“I know the management gives us a hard time and it’s really not your fault. What I should have said instead was that I want you to try to take a risk at pushing them in the direction we want. We can at least do this.”
Die finally turns to look at me for a moment and smiles, and I immediately feel relieved seeing that gorgeous smile I fell in love with years ago.
“We’ll talk this over later with the other two, OK?”
I nod.
“I’m just… My head now is full with the current situation. I’m very worried over those two…”
“Yeah… me too… But Kyo is fine, just still shocked and edgy. And Kaoru…”
Kaoru is not with Kyo and only this little detail worries me to no end. If it depended on Kaoru, he’d be there with Kyo after what has happened to him tonight.
“Die?”
“Yeah?”
He glances at me for a moment, looking a bit concerned, but his face is already much gentler than it was when he woke up this morning.
“I’m really sorry. I don’t want to ever fight with you again, it’s just that…”
Our band faced some real difficulties for the first time and if we now won’t make it and screw up, we’ll have to disband. All of us know but we just never talk about it. Never say it out loud. But I am so worried. Constantly thinking about it. Constantly pleading the God to help us survive as a band. And who was there to be on the receiving end of my anger and frustration? Only Die.
“Hey, Totchi.”
I look up at him and am caught for a moment in Die’s gentle smile.
“Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine. I mean, our band. We’re gonna make it! And in the worst case scenario… there still are many things we can do in music industry.”
I nod. I know he’s right.
“And the rest… Kyo and Kaoru had to go through a lot of shit, more than anyone else I know. But can it be even worse now? The crazy kidnapper’s dead. That’s it! There’s actually a reason to celebrate!”
I chuckle. The way Die says it seems to be as if we are talking about a dead neighbor’s dog who never let us sleep during the nights.
“I mean, I’m not happy that someone has been killed, but… well, you know…” Die shrugs, now a bit lost for words.
Yeah, I know. It is best that the guy is dead. He will no longer be a threat to Kyo – ever. And it was good to know that.
“What the fuck it might have been that the bastard did to Kyo to make Kyo return like that… completely oblivious to the outside world…”
“Honestly, Toshiya, I don’t really want to find out… Because I believe we would never even imagine ourselves half of what had happened, because… because it must have been unimaginatively cruel…”
I sigh and look out the window. I know Die’s right. But I still want to know just for the sake of knowing.
“Should we call Shinya? Do you think he already knows?”
“Shinya?” Die gets startled for a moment. “Yeah, I guess we should. He might not know yet if he hasn’t called us by now.”
“I’ll call him then right now” I say and take out my cellphone.
Shinya needs to be informed. Then I hope we’ll be able to see Kaoru and talk to him. Then we’ll head back to the hospital and talk to Kyo (which I don’t look forward to unless we’ll be bringing Kaoru along with us). And then we’ll have to go back to the studio and do the whole day’s work in only half of the day.
I sigh again and dial.
It’s going to be a very long day. But at least the worst is behind us all.
We just need to keep our fingers crossed for Kaoru.
TBC

So this time I still managed to update quite soon ^^ But I have no clue when chapter 5 is going to be up :((( So no promises this time, I’m sorry :(((
And as always – I’m very eager to read your comments! ^^
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White Nights